Original subtitles

Undescended testicle.

Governor Burn?

You've got an undescended testicle.

Me?

Oh (speaks foreign language).

Your bollock was kicked so hard, it's gone back inside ya.

In me?

It's gone home.

And in a way, Moveen, that's what I've come here-

Who the hell is Moveen?

To talk to you today about, your balls.

You wanna talk to me about me what?

Your courage.

The courage you've been showing during your time here,

and the brilliant work you've been doing

with your job as a listener, counseling other inmates.

It's been really very impressive.

Right.

And that's why I want you to do some more.

I think you could help more men on other wings.

Yeah, but I don't fancy that, to be honest with ya.

You're almost done.

I'd hate to have to extend your sentence

because you haven't done the right thing.

I...

Oh, ah!

Pack it in, please, Moveen.

Think about what I've said to you,

and while you're thinking, stay out of trouble,

'cause I'm gonna be watching you.

I'm gonna be watching you all the time.

All the time?

Well, yeah, not all the time.

Not when you're in the shower.

Had to go on that little course,

you know, clear up the confusion.

What were you looking for?

It was research, right?

I'm trying to do good and I get punished, how is that fair?

The point is, I'm watching you.

Ooh, you bast...

Wake your bitch ass up.

What is that?

What are you sounding like an American for?

Shut up, Mobeen Deen.

Look at us, five minutes into your stupid mission,

and we're almost dead.

We? I am almost dead.

You look like Nelly in 2001.

Ha-ha, look at that.

Hope your testicle's ascending.

Anyways, I was chatting with Harper

over a few games of Zelda.

So you've been playing Nintendo Switch with Harper?

It was cold last night, so we got under your kambal-

Hey!

That is our kambal, it's not for sharing with other men!

Whoa, I am the one who's vexed, not you.

This is some madness, Mobes.

We're nearly done.

Hey, hey, hey, Nate, have I ever let you down?

Look at me!

Okay, I'm sorry about your life.

But listen to me, all I need to do

is make a connection with the Memory Stick.

Get him in this bed here, get rid of old Des.

You all right here, Dezzie?

Ha-ha.

He's got a hemorrhoid, bro.

Trust me, his bum looks like a war zone, pop!

Come on, Nathaniel.

Have you got anywhere yet?

No, 'cause you violated me, okay?

And I've had the Governor in here

telling me to do more listening.

You messed me up, Harper, so get, mi-mi-mi.

Go away, go away from here.

I don't wanna hear nothing you got to say.

Will you get a move on, Moon Juice?

He's right, get it done, get it done quick.

Yeah, or what?

Or what, big man?

Or we will be going to couples counseling. Hmm.

Hmm.

Mate, our life shit, okay, it's shit!

So, when you're a once-in-a-generation talent like me,

you can't help but rise to the top.

Crack on, Barry.

Officer Saj.

Oh, easy, cuz.

Told you, don't call me that.

The less people know, the better.

Look, I need a favor.

Oh, from me?

A total stranger who isn't one of your relatives?

You're so sensitive, man.

I'm not sensitive!

Oh, is it from Uncle Levi's birthday back in the day?

Where everyone made you wear that kid's cowboy outfit?

I was 24.

Look, I need you to get me and Megalodon

transferred to your wing.

No.

Please, cuz.

Megalodon is a fucking lunatic,

and I've just been put in charge of A wing.

Is it 'cause of the cowboy outfit thing?

No, it's 'cause of the fucking lunatic thing.

Maybe Megalodon will understand, he's very understanding.

Ah!

♪ Games, winner stays on, I'll play ♪

Don't you ever, ever, ever beat me

at fucking table tennis again!

You understand?!

Yes, Meg.

How is your missing testie?

Excuse me, sister, yeah?

I don't wanna be inappropriate,

but people have been screaming about my tatay all day.

Can you stop it?

I'm sorry, shall I keep it down for you?

Please.

How's the missing bollock?

Des.

Mobeen Deen.

I honestly don't know why you lot

get into these arguments with the screws.

"You lot"?

What do you mean, "you lot"?

Is this some kind of, like, man thing or a class thing?

No, it's a dickhead thing, with you being the dickhead.

Ooh.

Whatever, my privileged sister.

You don't get too many people

in Small Heath that are privileged.

You ain't from no Small Heath.

I was, born in Tennyson Road, yara.

Tennyson Road?

You from Small Heath, ha!

You know, erm, despite my current situation,

I just need you to know that I actually managed

to navigate my little sister to medical school, so-

The apple falls in a completely different universe

to the tree.

Okay, you're gonna know better than me.

She can't stand it.

They're the kids of doctors,

and then their parents were doctors.

Just a bunch of people born

with silver dicks in their mouths, man.

Getting experience in different hospitals is tough

when you're starting out.

She could probably shadow me here for a bit.

Really?

I mean, hey, that's a really kind offer, but this is prison.

I don't really want my little sister in prisons.

Look, give her my email address

and let's see what she says.

Shm@shm.com.

Hey, you really are from the ends.

Hey.

Would you need my email address for anything?

No.

But you've got my email address,

so you and your missing tatay know where to find me.

We'll find you here.

Interesting lady.

And how are we feeling today?

How are we feeling today?

I mean, I feel like utter shit

and I'm struggling to breathe properly.

Not sure what you're bringing to the party.

I just wanna know how you are.

I feel like somebody who's been

wrongfully labeled a nonce

and is now wasting the small amount of breath I can muster

trying to get rid of an annoying woman.

Will that do you?

Fine.

I tell you what, though, it sounds rough as, Des.

Well, being bitten by two dogs with rabies is no joke,

let me tell ya.

They shouldn't even be allowed in this country.

You know, I had to take time off work.

Do armed robbers get holiday pay, do they?

Pair of pugs, they were.

Little brown fuckers give me nightmares.

Imported, they were, from Egypt, apparently.

Egypt, oh, right.

They should be locked up.

Dirty, smelly little bastards.

Hey, we all know who the real victim is here, our Des.

Exactly.

♪ Ooh, yeah, let me get to it ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, let me get to it ♪

♪ I get it, take it, I'm running right through it ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, let me get to it, 10K in a day ♪

Back to your wing.

Come on, let's not take all day about it, for fuck's sake.

Can I talk to you about something?

Is it about lasagne?

This ain't lasagne, it's a hate crime.

It's about Megalodon.

Go on.

Can you get us transferred to this wing?

Not a fucking chance.

I think Mega will be a real asset to the wing.

Are you high?

My cousin said no.

So it would annoy Saj if you said yes.

Well, annoying Sajid is normally

an excellent reason to do anything, but not this time.

Why not?

I'm not here to answer your stupid questions, all right?

Why don't you talk to someone who actually wants to listen?

Who's your designated listener?

Mobeen.

Well, then, talk to Mobeen, then.

The Governor wants him to do more listening anyway.

No, I can't talk to Mobeen about things like this.

Just run along, lasagne boy, all right?

But if you do have any more ideas about annoying Sajid,

my door's always open.

He is a bastard, that Des.

I haven't heard any hate speech.

Of course you haven't, they're clever with it.

He's not gonna say it in front of you.

It's a serious accusation, Mobeen.

I know, and that is why I've got proof for you.

Watch this.

I'm sure you're not supposed to have that in here.

Chill out, Barry in D wing's got a 3D printer.

That's huge, how'd he fit that up his arse?

Have a listen to this.

They shouldn't even be allowed in this country.

Little brown fuckers give me nightmares.

Should be locked up, the dirty, smelly little bastards.

Racist bastard.

I cannot believe it.

I know, it's a disgrace.

Here's what we'll do, okay?

It's the most sensible thing,

'cause he's making me feel violent.

We'll move him from this bed,

and then we won't mention it to Des,

because he's old, he's not gonna change his ways,

and he'll be dead soon, in sha'Allah.

No, I can't believe how badly edited it is.

Huh?

Did you seriously believe

I was gonna fall for that, you khota?

Er, no, but...

What do you want me to do?

It's the free version of the software, it's shit.

You are an idiot.

How about I swap you and Des?

Anything for a quiet life.

You're gonna move him from that bed?

Mm-hm.

Get rid of Des?

Yes, thank you, because that's the right thing to do.

And also I think the real reason why you've done it

is because you love me, and that's not a problem,

just let it happen.

There is nothing wrong with loving me, so.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, gyar...

He bothering you?

Hello, Officer Sajid.

I told you, innit, just call me Saj.

The offer still stands, by the way,

if you wanna come round to my mum's,

chill out, watch a film, get some kadak chai in there,

the cinnamon shots.

Oh.

Aye-yi-yi.

I'm really busy.

You inviting girls to your mum's house, yeah?

Do you still share a bunk bed with your mum?

No!

Oh, wow.

For your information, khota-

Ooh!

I'm on the top bunk now.

Mashallah, big man!

Do you know what?

I've actually got a lot of things to do, Officer Sajid,

so I'm just gonna go.

Yeah, I...

Look, I told you, yeah?

Just call me Saj.

"Call me Saj."

Fuck off, Mobeen!

Go with God.

Piss off!

Chamomile.

Yes.

Ah.

Pow!

Hello, good sir.

I just want you to know, I-I'm a designated listener,

so you can talk to me any time you need to talk.

I'm in a hospital in prison, where everybody hates me,

because somebody, you, called me a nonce.

I didn't, technically didn't say you were a nonce,

I said you be looking like a nonce.

Well, when you said I be looking like a nonce,

everybody thought I was a nonce,

and they be beating me up.

Er...

- Mobeen? - Mm?

There's an Aqsa Deen here to see you.

I'll be back, good sir.

What happened?

Oh, yeah, erm,

I, erm, I slipped over in the showers.

You'd have to slip 147 times,

but sure, yeah, let's go with that.

Shh.

And who is this, your psychiatrist?

Why would I need a psychiatrist?

'Cause you constantly seek out chaos

and you're addicted to highly toxic environments.

Fair enough.

I love her already.

Dr. Nida Iqbal, MD.

Aqsa Deen.

So your brother tells me you're in medicine.

Yeah, although I feel like quitting.

Have they asked you to go skiing yet?

Yes.

Skiing is some bullshit.

And when you tell them you don't like it,

you might as well have a criminal record, no offense.

It's a bit offensive, but okay.

So, I was speaking to Mobeen about you

possibly shadowing me here for a bit.

I'll do it.

It's not easy, you're almost exclusively working with men.

A lot of them are abusive, hostile, and thick, really thick.

Really thick.

Yeah.

It's hard work, long hours, and the resources here?

Beyond out-of-date.

But if you can handle it here, you can handle it anywhere.

Can't be any worse than the A&E I'm in.

Last Friday night, a woman came in

with maggots living in her scalp.

This place is a dutty hole, I don't want you coming here.

Baska!

I think we should get you started this week if we can.

Really?

Aye-yi-yi.

I promise, I won't let you down.

You'll be great.

And we can smuggle some codeine and flog it back in ends.

Jokes!

Look, now she's gone-

Chup!

Come, let's go.

♪ Yeah ♪

Rough night?

Every night is a rough night.

You kept muttering in your sleep,

saying, "Nate, stop, that tickles," over and over again.

Whoa, baska, baska, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Okay, yeah, ha!

What you got going on for the rest of the day?

Hopefully, I'll stop vomiting

and gain some feeling in my right leg.

Cross that one off the list for today, innit?

All right, Moon Walk?

How's it going, Mobes?

Have, have you had a haircut?

You cutting his hair, yeah?

Cheeky little trim.

Cheeky little trim, is it, yeah?

You, man, would love it, innit, love it

if I was in here for the rest of my days.

You know what I'd prefer, Moon Boots?

What's that?

You get the information we need about Khan, quickly.

I'm trying to, but he, he's a weird guy.

I think he's an incel, you should investigate that.

Incest?

No, not incest.

Maybe that, I dunno.

Incel.

What's an incel?

It's basically guys who love the nyash

but can't get the nyash, so they blame the nyash.

- No bunda? - Mm.

Ah.

Do I need to remind you why you're doing this?

Your sister, your gunned-down mate.

Your promotion, your pay rise.

Look, if you don't wanna go through with this,

now would be a real good time to say.

When did I say that?

Why don't you go see the chaplain?

He knows everything about everyone in this place.

Now, that is a good idea.

Pow!

Shzz, pow!

Just chemistry.

Is that right?

Fuck off, ahojo, fuck off, ahojo.

You know what that means?

Say it with me.

Fuck off, ahojo.

Get ahojo out of here, man, go from here.

You're so dramatic.

Nathaniel, Nate, before you go.

Come back, spin back.

W-Will you still cut my hair?

Yes, always.

That's hard, innit?

♪ How can I lose when I came here with nothing ♪

♪ Hearing rumors that they wanna do summat ♪

♪ They ain't no piece, yeah, they ain't doing nothing ♪

Thanks for this, Doc.

I'd walk, but my tatay is still in the upside down.

Oof, oof.

I don't do this for everyone, you know.

Okay!

Anyway, I can just wait out here.

Really? You'd stay for me?

Yeah.

And I'd prefer it to Des's hemorrhoids.

You all right?

Huh? Nah, I'm good, man.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Yeah, you good?

Yeah, ooh!

I'm independent too.

Like you, thank you.

Yeah, okay, ooh.

How kind I am.

Assalamu Alaikum, sat sri akaal, namaste, shalom,

O great spiritual one.

Hello, bastard, what do you and your tits want?

Every day you talk about my titatita, every day.

Uncle, listen, I need something from you.

What, a sport bra?

No, have you, erm,

have you still got access to every prisoner

and their details on your laptop?

I need some information.

That's illegal to give to you.

Uncle, you're not in the country legally, so...

Who is he?

His nickname is Memory Stick,

but his real name is Colin Bigginson Junior III.

White people have these stupid names.

Shabash!

Shall I join you round there?

No, no, you stay there, you smell shit.

Oof.

Okay, Uncle, what's he into then?

Enjoy metal detecting, magic, '90s gangsta rap.

I like to be friend with this guy.

Uncle, are you sure that's Colin's details?

Get out, bastard.

Uncle, please let me just-

Get out, go get life.

No, you can't, you're in a prison, bastard.

Uncle, please-

Get out, or I will snap your tits.

Snap my tits?

That's not nice.

Just get out.

Tits don't even snap.

Whoosh.

Are you ready?

It's the, it's the thumb trick.

Get it?

Am I doing it?

Yeah, look.

No?

Okay.

David Blaine.

What about him?

He was in that box in London.

I haven't thought about him in about 15 years.

Harry Houdini.

Died in a box as well, innit?

Just listing magicians at me.

What about Paul Daniels? He's dead.

What about his auntie who used to come with him?

Sheila McGee, she was with him.

I know she was with him, she loved him.

She had nice hair, she had nice hair.

You didn't like her hair?

I did like her hair,

but I don't know why you're talking to me

about Sheila McGee's hair.

What-what-what you don't like magic for?

I don't like magic, no.

I mean, I wish I could make this moron

that keeps trying to talk to me disappear,

but apart from that, nothing.

I got one for ya.

Beep, boop-boop-boop.

Laser Quest?

And you're at the beach with a girlfriend,

maybe boyfriend, I don't know, whatever.

Beep, what's that in the ground?

Metal detecting.

No, why do you keep talking to me

about all this random bollocks?

Shut up!

Shitty khota bastard!

You should have checked the information first, bastard.

Uncle, I tried, yeah.

You told me, "Stay there, you smell shit."

That's true.

Very funny, shevi, very funny.

Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, there he is,

there he is, there he is.

Okay, Colin, he enjoys studying telescopes,

understanding the metaverse and the music of Avril Lavigne.

Thank you, Uncle.

He was a skater boy.

She said, "See you later, boy."

See you later, then.

See you later, boy.

Excuse me, where's he gone?

Discharged.

Shit!

Good for him, shit for me!

81.

Let's go.

82.

Yeah.

84.

What the hell is going on in here?!

Er, Harpsie just suggested a few changes.

Harpsie kauna?

Tu Harpsie, eh? Okay.

Talk to me, Moonlight, what you got?

Nothing.

What?

No, I mean, I have made a connection.

You know, like you would suggest,

you don't go all the way on a first date, slowly, slowly.

Oh, I was very much hoping you would

go all the way on a first date.

I was hoping you'd have full fucking sex.

What now?

In terms of intelligence-gathering, obviously.

Obviously.

Look, man, I'll see him next time and it will be pat.

You know how I do, you know my ting.

Listen, if you spent less time chatting up bloody Nida,

we'd get it done quicker, wouldn't we?

We haven't got much time left, Mob Deep, so when?

I'll tell you when, okay?

When I'm on a wing, when I'm in a canteen,

when I'm in the fucking showers, I'll get it done!

I've got blood pressure, had a stressful day-

Will you stop making excuses?

I don't want no more stress!

Just get out of the cell and get it done!

I don't want fucking stress!

- You told me- - Stop pressuring me!

Hey, hey, oi, oi-oi-oi!

What's going on in here, you bunch of shaggers?

Mobeen, I just wanted to come and say thank you

for listening to me and for going the extra mile.

You see, Chippy came to see me,

and he told me that you want to do more listening.

Chippy said what, now?

And now that the new inmate is here,

you can talk to him as much as you want.

Huh?

Harper, you fucking twat.

Can't argue with that.

Talk to who?

Who's on the wing?

We're going, come, come, come, come.

Jesus, Lord.

No one's that big.

I, I can't leave the cell.

I can't leave the cell, man.

What do you mean?

Harper, he's gonna fuck the lungs out of me.

Yeah, what about Memory Stick?

I'd prefer to keep my lungs.

And the structural integrity of his anus, batty gone.

Fuck!

♪ Now ever since a young'un ♪

♪ I dreamed I would be something ♪

♪ 'Cause someone with no dreams ♪

♪ Just means you will be nothing ♪

♪ And that's beside the fact I don't subscribe to that ♪

♪ You'll find me where the grinders at ♪

♪ Yeah, and I move like a pack of wolves ♪

♪ You a sheep, I'ma grab some wool ♪

♪ And no, I ain't asking, fool ♪

♪ I polarize and pulverize ♪

♪ Beware here, 'cause I can even scare the poltergeists ♪

♪ Don't play it on the safe side ♪

♪ Let the weak fall by the wayside ♪

♪ If I want it, I'ma take it ♪