Original subtitles

- Quiet, Mobeen. - I ain't gonna be quiet.

You dunno what you're on about.

I ain't gonna be quiet.

You need to listen to me, young lady.

Just stay out of it.

Recognize what I'm saying, yeah?

- Stay out of it. - Listen to me.

Look at me.

Contouring with a simple Dior palette

brings about outstanding results in the cheekbone area.

I don't wanna hear no more about it.

Whatever!

I prefer Rihanna make up, so-

That's 'cause you're obsessed with celebrity, that's why.

Get a grip on your life, yeah?

I should never have shown you those YouTube tutorials.

Yeah, well, you did.

I've subscribed to them all and now we're here.

So, there you go.

Yo!

What are you doing, you mup?

What'd you fucking call me?

Mobeen, let's just go.

That's it, walk away.

I'm gonna tell my mum about you.

Mobeena!

Cal!

Oh, my God, bro.

Thought you're due for release next year.

Oi, hold on a minute.

Have you escaped?

I can't be getting arrested right now.

- What? - You got bakery class.

- Bakery class? - Yeah.

Don't act like you've never banged out a bit of short crust

when you're in prison, you know what I mean?

You're right.

It's actually quite therapeutic, actually, that.

Oh, mate.

I can't believe you're here, bro.

Come here.

Oh, mate!

Little Aqsa, how big you are now.

You know, last time I seen you

I was showing you which colors to mix together

to make other colors.

Remember that? - Did that.

I'm just grateful you didn't teach me

how to mix talcum powder with cocaine.

Oh, sharp as hell.

She ended up just like you, Mobeen.

Ooh!

Listen, my brother.

We've got so much to catch up on, you know, yeah?

But it stinks of piss around here,

so let's do it later, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

Course, course, mate.

I'll say this for now. - Yeah?

I'm ready to be like you.

You wanna be like him?

I'd rather stay in prison. - Hey!

But you need to show me how.

I need your help, bro.

You're out here living your best life on your deal

and that, brother, I see ya.

I don't know about all that best life stuff.

Listen, I know...

Everyone thought I'd live and die by this life, I know that.

Okay.

But after nine years in that hellhole,

I ain't going back.

You get me?

Nah, nah.

Nah, you're not.

You're not, bro, you're not.

Oh, mate.

I've never seen two men cuddle each other so much.

That's it.

Oh, mate.

Okay. - Mobeen.

- Okay. - Let's go.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, I've gotta go.

I've gotta go, yeah? - Yeah.

- I've gotta go, okay? - All right.

- Yeah? - Yeah, nice.

- Come, let's go. - Yeah.

Have fun with the Filo, bro, yeah?

- Thank you, my brother. - Yeah.

I'll see you soon.

- Soon. - All right.

You're really making up for nine years on missed cuddles.

Oi, you're not allowed cuddles in prison.

People take it the wrong way.

- He's a weirdo. - He's harmless.

Why do you wanna hang around with him anyway?

'Cause he used to be one of my best mates.

Imagine if I didn't have anyone when I came out of prison.

And, anyway, it's not like we're gonna see him every day.

- Brother? - Oh, hey!

Back again, bro, yeah?

I remember you was the guy back in the day

to throw the maddest parties.

It probably wasn't me, though.

Probably wasn't me. - No, no, we had weed,

we had the honeys.

Remember those two sisters?

Remember who we did? - Outstandingly well.

You know, educational endeavors, yeah?

Can you shush, man?

You need to throw me a party.

Listen, I'm not really about that life no more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Link up with Prism, yeah.

The old spot from back in the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, better be good, though.

Nah, forget that, it better be perfect.

Yeah, okay, mate.

All right, Bashar al-Assad.

Someone's acting very dictatory out here today.

Listen, mate, it will bang, don't worry.

And, Aqsa, do your other big brother a favor, yeah?

Next time you see Paige, you tell her...

Tell her I'm gonna see her soon, innit?

I just need to get some money in.

No offense, but are you allowed to see her?

Don't worry about that.

Don't worry about the social workers

or her mom or anything like that,

'cause none of those assholes

are gonna stop me seeing my daughter.

None of them!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry, kid.

Brother, Mobes, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I end up just, you know?

Nah, yeah.

Listen, listen, I understand.

It'll be all right.

We've gotta get going now,

but we'll see you later on, yeah?

Okay, yeah?

Oh!

Okay.

Hey!

That's a lot of hugs, mate.

- Okay. - Yeah.

All right, nice.

- Sound, mate. - Sound, mate.

Same, same.

Likes holding them, doesn't he?

- Please. - No.

- Please, mate. - No.

- Please. - No.

- Yes! - What?

No, no.

Why can't you organize this heaving get-together, anyways?

Because I'm still trying to sort out the thing.

You still haven't sorted out the thing?

No, but I'm finalizing it.

It's in process.

It's all right.

When am I gonna find out about the thing?

Look, listen, boys.

Cal is a good guy, you know?

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Didn't he stab a guy in the eyes with knitting needles?

Yeah, but he didn't go blind, so-

Ah, yeah, well, that's fine then, isn't it?

Look, he's bad news.

You know it, I know it, even he knows it.

Yeah, I do.

And I never know anything.

And if the party ain't perfect, we're all dead.

Don't be silly.

We're not all dead.

You two are dead, I'm fine.

Look, this ain't time for jokes, Mobeen Deen.

You could have easily been with Cal

that day he smacked an ax on that guy's head.

Yeah, well, I wasn't,

and I didn't, so it's all hypothetical, innit?

You're pathetical.

He's gonna drag you back in.

Listen, boys, can you just do it for me?

For me.

Please.

- Okay, Gandhi. - Thank you.

But, look, if we do this,

you better tell Aqs about the thing.

I promise you I will tell Aqs about the thing.

I will, thank you.

Hey! - What?

You can't wear a Mosque hat in the club.

That's proper haram, that is.

But what about the one with the mirrors

and the jewels on it?

Just save that for when you go

on "Britain's Got Talent," yeah?

When I win "Britain's Got Talent."

They're gonna chop one of them off,

so I said, "You could save either your leg or his dick."

- Which one did he choose? - His leg.

- What a dick. - Yeah.

- Oh, fuck's sake. - Oi, oi!

Look at the color coordination on these boys, innit?

"Backstreet's Back," all right.

All right, Azaar, when's the new single out?

- You all right, Cal? - Yeah, you all right?

All right.

Can I ask you a question?

Are you boys currently competing

in a Formula 1 event at the moment?

What you on about, Mobeen?

I only ask 'cause you pulled up

like it's a Formula 1 pit stop, bro.

Oh, it's all agreeing on me.

So, be careful, mate.

There's kids playing around here.

You gotta respect the Green Cross Code.

Do you remember what the Green Cross Code is, yeah?

Oh, man's on his period.

Cal, do us a favor, let's go.

Nah, I'm not about that anymore, bro.

Trying to do things differently.

Do right by my little girl, dude.

Is that what you call Mobeen these days?

It's a good one, though, innit?

It's fast.

Listen, excuses are mong, Cal.

Let's go, man. - Nah, man, really.

With all due respect, Azaar, I'm out man.

With all due respect, Cal?

Some people change,

but you're not one of those people, do you understand?

I think you'll find he can lead

any fucking life he chooses to.

Is that understood? - There he is, the old Mobeen.

Whoa, whoa, all right, lads, come on.

It's all right, Cal.

He knows where I'm going.

He knows whose area this is.

Same area that you give up.

Same area that you need to behave yourself in, mate.

Cal, I'll see you at your party.

You bring the hobnob, Mobeen, I'll bring the bitches.

Come on.

- You all right? - All right.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

If the party ain't perfect, we're in trouble.

What's the worst that can happen?

Cal bites are retinas out and shoves them up our bottoms.

What's a retina?

Still no word from the club?

No.

You sure you left your number?

Yeah!

Your number, not the number eight.

I'm just gonna make a phone call.

It's mad, innit?

Being out in the world after so long in there.

Mobes, please.

Sorry, sorry.

Stopping any time now, yeah?

Whoop!

Really tickles your willy now.

Oh, listen.

Hey, take your time.

Adjust, yeah?

As soon as you're settled in,

you can fix your relationship with your little girl, bro.

She doesn't wanna know me, bro.

Oh, you have to keep trying, man.

You have to keep trying.

You know your little girl

should be the most important person in your life.

You don't need me to tell you that.

Look at you sitting here

acting like the perfect parent and that.

Bro, I ain't no perfect parent,

but, listen to me, if you think the road is tough out here,

wait until you gotta apologize

to a bunch of 15-year-old girls

who are Instagram-living you,

'cause you forgot to pack

their bloody gluten-free non-bread, innit?

I ain't doing that.

Then you have much to learn about the dark side, Cal.

Trust me, man, they're magical.

Brother, I was thinking of getting Paige something,

like a little gift and that.

Oh, yeah, real, that's nice, yeah.

Do you reckon...

Could you square me on some cash?

Of course.

Of course, my brother.

How much do you need?

- Five grand. - Five grand?

Five grand now?

What you doing, putting a deposit down on a mortgage, bro?

No, I ain't got five grand for ya.

Bro, listen.

Living this legit life's about living on a budget, man.

Should never have asked that.

Nah, it's all right.

It's all right.

I tell you what, see if you can go all the way around

like we were kids, yeah?

You do a 360 and I'll give you 10 grand.

Go on. - Go.

Boom, let's do this.

I think I've got inertia, man.

I don't feel very well.

Please stop, brother, please stop.

Hello, is that prison?

It's one of them voicemails.

Hello, prison.

Prism.

The name of the club is Prism.

Oh, I did think that was a shit name for a nightclub,

Prison. - Oh, my days.

Imagine saying you'll meet people there.

I'll see you in prison.

I had a great time in prison last night.

Cal, Cal, you wanna go back to prison?

- Are you still on the phone? - Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I'll ring you back, nightclub.

Nate, do you wanna dance with me in jail?

That's not the joke.

No. - Oh, yeah.

Are you Mobeen?

Do you think you could come round tomorrow?

Yeah, sure.

You okay?

I just really need to speak to you.

Oh, it's not a problem.

I'll be there.

Do you still like chicken nuggets and a burger?

I wonder what we're gonna wear in prison.

Nate, did you see how long the queue was for prison?

I wonder if there were any nice girls in prison.

I wonder if I need ID to get into prison.

Oh!

We haven't done anything yet.

- For what? - The party.

Party?

Retinas.

- Hello, Auntie Lydia. - Look at you, Mobeen.

Hey, you haven't aged a day. - Thank you.

Well, you do look a little bit older, actually.

And heavier.

Definitely heavier.

You didn't tell Cal that I asked to see you, did you?

No, no, no, of course not.

Of course not, no, no.

Come in then.

If you can fit through the door.

Cutting down on carbs and everything.

What is going on with this get-up?

What's going on with what?

This Taliban Tehrik look you've got going on.

Excuse me, this is a vibe.

That's all you need to know, yeah?

Okay.

And do we know any? - Sorry?

Taliban, do we know any Taliban?

Yeah, I know 'em all.

We go to Magaluf every year.

Just smashing out moves with Mullah Omar and them lot.

I don't know what your online activity is.

I haven't seen you for a little while.

I'm so sorry, you know?

I should have come to see you earlier.

My door's always open, you're like a second son.

You're always gonna be my little Mobeen.

There's a massive shit in the toilet.

Uncle Shady?

Hello, bastard.

Toilet's blocked.

Shady has always been very neighborly

when it comes to stuff like that, haven't you?

It's a pleasure to remove

the enormous shit for you, Lydia.

Oh, bless you, sweetheart.

You're a gentleman.

He ain't no gentleman.

You should get him outta your house.

I need to talk about Cal.

I'm worried, genuinely.

What is it?

Just let me get rid of whoever that is.

I know exactly what you're trying to do

up in here, Uncle Shady. - What do you mean, bastard?

You know what I mean, yeah.

That massive lump of-

Is the closest you're gonna get to her.

That's close enough for me.

That's disgusting!

Aunt Lyds, what's he doing in your house?

He just does all the odd jobs.

He was asked to it.

Have you been eating lasagna again, Lydia?

Got yourself a little brown man slave, yeah?

Hey, don't be cheeky.

He gets Thursday's off.

Mobeen, I'm genuinely worried about Cal.

I think he's really struggling.

Yeah, well, he would do.

He's been in the slammer for nine years.

It takes a bit of adjustment, don't it?

Yeah, but I think he's at the start

of a really long journey,

and he's got zero aftercare.

I think his head is messed up after that place.

Listen, we're family.

I've got his back, you know that.

Yeah, well, if you've got his back,

then you've gotta cancel this party.

I can't have him seeing them old faces.

Drugs and alcohol is...

He's not strong, Mobeen.

Ah, you're right.

You're right, just leave it with me, Aunt Lydia.

I'll sort it out, yeah? - Yeah?

Yeah, I promise

It's out.

It's big one, Lydia.

Really big.

He's playing with your shit in there.

- He means no harm. - Big turd.

Big, big turd. - He's lonely.

Oh, come on.

We've arranged your immoral get-together.

We've got DJs, food, girls.

Okay, but listen-

Ice sculpture spells the word cat.

- Cal. - Cal.

Really interesting, but-

The theme is freedom within a strict roped off area

of eight feet by 10 feet.

We've done a banging job.

We're thinking about- - Okay, but listen-

Getting a business together as party planners.

Yeah, we're gonna take the N from Nate

and the eight from Eight,

and we're gonna call it Nate.

The party's off!

- What? - Yes, it's off.

Listen, I appreciate everything you've done, boys.

Yeah, but Cal's not ready

for a party like that right now, man.

It's not good for him.

I'm sorry.

Got other news, though.

You two get to organize

and execute a new party for tomorrow.

No more get-togethers.

Just make sure that it bangs.

- Yes! - No.

Oh, is that a problem, Nathaniel?

It's just that "Frozen Planet" is on BBC Two again,

and I'm not missing that for anything.

Well, just watch it on catch up.

It's not the same thing.

I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same thing.

I don't think it is,

because if you watch it afterwards,

what if the planet defrosted then?

Eight, you bake the cake 'cause you make banging cake.

Nate, you take care of the ambiance.

You're good with that, go on.

- Fine. - Ambient.

Just as long as you sort out the thing.

I will.

I promise I will sort out the thing.

I'm sick of this.

What's the thing?

The thing is that Mobeen

still ain't Aqsa's legal guardian,

and he still ain't told her yet.

What?

Mobeen! - Oh, shit!

Hey, hey, let me talk to you about this situation.

She locked him out of his cave.

Can you two just go and organize the party, please?

Hey.

Hey, Aqsa.

Hello, my baby.

It's me.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah.

Anyway, listen, can I stay at yours again tonight?

Yeah, I know, she still won't let me in.

Thank you, bro.

Anyway, listen, I think I'm in the wrong place,

'cause it says I'm here.

- Mobeen! - Hi!

Good afternoon, Auntie.

Lovely, looks lovely.

I told you to throw a party

for a guy that's just come outta prison,

not celebrate the Queen's bloody coronation.

And where did you get this hay from?

I feel like I'm in a Waitrose advert.

I quite like it.

It's got like a vibe.

Got a vibe.

It's got a vibe, all right.

A vibe where all white people might come out

and play bowls any minute now.

Listen, Cal is not in a good place

and he's gonna flip out when he sees this.

- Serious? - He's gonna kill us!

No, he's gonna kill you two.

I told you we shouldn't have done this.

No, you didn't.

- I was supposed to. - What are we gonna do?

Have they got a graveyard here?

Go pick up a couple of plots, boys.

I'm serious, Mobes.

Well, you better just hope he's in a good mood,

or he'll stop by B&Q to pick up an ax on his way here.

- You all right, lads? - You all right, Cal?

Yeah.

So, listen, bro, yeah?

Long story cut short.

Prism is off.

This is your new party. - This is my party.?

- This is your party, bloke. - This is my party?

I love it.

- What? - Is that real hay?

- Yes, I told you. - I told you he'd like it.

- Bro, I made you a cake. - Thank you.

Oh!

That is cracking, mate.

That's really nice.

Right, seriously.

- Obviously. - Thank you.

It's better than bashing retinas, innit?

I love it.

IBS.

So, this is the legit life, eh, lads?

This is the legit life, bro.

No more girls and penthouses and jewelry.

- Hey. - Hmm?

- You all right? - Yeah, yeah.

But it's better life. - Yes, sure?

- Yeah. - All right.

Listen, man, yeah?

I want you to know you got friends out here.

You've got family as well, eh?

I know prison was tough, bro.

I know. - I handled it all right, bro.

But I realize my priority is to provide for my little girl

and my mom, you know?

- That's sweet. - Good, ain't he?

Told you. - Sweet.

Who invited him to the party?

What's he doing here, bro?

Oh, I can't stand litter bugs.

- He's on his own, bro. - Huh?

He's on his own, all right.

What is this, bro?

"Antiques Roadshow?"

Where'd you get the hay from?

I made a cake.

Do you want some?

Yeah, I love some, Eight.

Are you still a waste man, bro.

You've been wearing that apron since school, man.

You're still the same little weird you was back then.

What's your problem, bloke?

You better step back, Mobeen.

You know what, Cal,

tell him you're going straight

and this mug can do on now. - No, no, no, no, no.

Cal, you tell this waste man that you come with me, bro.

Go jump in the car.

Cal, what you doing? - Cal.

What are you doing, Cal?

I'm taking your food, Azaar.

- Come on, Cal, man. - You should have never come

to the "Antiques Roadshow" alone, bloke.

Eight, take it.

What did you do that for?

Mobeen, I got it.

Why are you pointing it at me?

Not this way, that way.

Mug, tell them random girls

you got 30k worth of coke in your car.

Oh, it's my car now, bloke.

You two set me up, man?

Nah, Mobe had nothing to do with this.

You win some, you lose some, Azaar.

Cal.

I'm sorry, Mobeen.

We can't all be like you.

You just don't escape this life, brother.

Don't do this, man.

You can't-

Cal, you're a dead man, bro!

- Cal! - And you, bro!

Azaar, I didn't have nothing to do with that-

- Are you a liar, bro? - Mobeen, mate!

Mobeen, shall I shoot him?

We don't kill people over cake.

Gimme the strap.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get out!

I need to dump the gun.

Run!

Oh, shit!

- Mobeen? - Yeah?

I've dropped my keys in here.

Do you think he's gonna be grumpy when he wakes up?

He's not gonna be happy, is he?

Budge, budge, budge!