Original subtitles

Oi!

Somebody help us.

Somebody save my baby girl!

Doctor!

Patient 293, please.

Oh, shit.

Ow.

The NHS is rubbish.

Yeah, don't say that, yeah.

It's not the NHS's fault they've been

stripped of their funding and...

It's all these time wasters anyway.

Look at them.

You can't be that judgemental.

Verrucas, mate, yeah?

Mr sniffles over here.

And what's wrong with you, big man?

Ah!

Oh, shit.

Ugh.

You need to be here.

You'll be all right, won't you, bro, eh?

Does it go there, yeah?

That was wicked.

Finally.

Right, so here's the deal.

This girl is-

Look, sorry, I'm a bit busy at the moment.

It's okay.

It's okay.

They're busy, mate.

They work really hard this lot.

You all right, beta?

No, not really.

He's on eBay.

Huh?

He's on fucking eBay.

Craig, is it?

We really hope you're the winning bidder

on that signed plastic cast

of Daniel Radcliffe's penis, yeah?

But the thing is, my sister's got some broken bones,

so could you check us in?

Before I break some of yours, Craig?

We have a zero tolerance policy

on threats of violence towards NHS staff.

Is that right, is that right?

Well, you ain't really NHS staff, are you, Craig?

Huh?

You're the freelance.

Earning twice as much money as the people

who do the real work in here.

Fraud.

Yeah, and I want my pound back from this trolley as well.

It's not his job.

No, but I want it back.

All right, all right.

Look, I'll help you, okay?

It's just what you said just then...

Well, that really hurt my feelings.

Sorry.

Please take a ticket, wait for your number to be called,

and good luck finding a seat.

I've missed it, now!

These places make me nervous.

You?

I've just spent half an hour being pushed down the bus lane

in a shopping trolley.

So ungrateful.

Oi.

They're full of germs and sick people.

I wish you were never born.

I wish you were dead.

It'll be fine as long as I stay clean.

It'll be fine.

And so does Mobeen as well.

Shut up, please.

Yo, we were better off in Kids A&E.

Well, that kid's fine.

You unplugged his respirator.

Yeah, to charge my phone.

Shut up!

Just a reminder, I've got broken bones

and I'm in a shopping trolley.

We were having a wicked time

until Miss Injury-Fake-Ardinian

made us come to the hospital for nothing.

Relax.

Hey, hey, family.

Everything's gonna be okay, all right?

Just watch something on your phone.

How you feeling, baby girl?

You okay?

It hurts, but I'll survive.

You're so brave.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

I told you he wishes you were dead.

No, no, no, just...

Just leave it.

Leave him, okay?

The rock bottom's about economics.

No, that's just a wrestling move.

Shut up, you jabronies.

Yeah, you tell them, Mr Tumble.

Aqsa Deen?

Mobeen.

I've learned how to say good bye in sign language now.

What?

Where are you going?

With you.

No, you ain't.

The nurse will assess me.

Yeah, I know, that's why I'm coming,

to make sure you're okay.

I don't need you there.

Why?

Because I'll have to take my shirt off.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, you go from here.

Make sure you close the curtains though, baby girl,

'cause A&E's full of perverts and weirdos.

Yeah, you heard me, Craig.

Mobes.

Uh-huh.

I've been thinking.

What we gonna say when they ask how she got injured?

We're just gonna tell the truth.

We got nothing to hide.

Yeah, we were wrestling with her in the garden.

Yeah, just three grown men wrestling.

Yeah.

With a 15-year-old girl.

Yeah.

We're going straight to prison.

You're gonna have some different things

on your hands in prison, you understand?

I'm telling you right now, we can not tell the truth.

Look, stop panicking.

The only reason why you're panicking

is 'cause of the way the media's conditioned everyone

to think about young girls

and all ethnic minority men.

Come on, man.

Facts, we're just gonna hit them with the facts.

Yeah?

We were wrestling with my little sister,

like we always do.

With my shorts on.

Okay.

She'd climbed on the wheelie bin, jumped off,

bust up the shoulder there,

and we brought her into A&E

because her parents ran away to Pakistan

without notifying anyone.

You might as well say she got injured

training for the Taliban.

Come on.

You're just overreacting, mate.

Come on, man.

Listen, Mobe's.

If they think this is a boogie situation,

they're gonna start snooping around.

Well, let them snoop.

We ain't got nothing to hide, bro.

Yeah, except you used to be a drug dealer.

- Shh. - Ssh!

Mobeen is an upstanding Christian...

Muslim and a responsible legal guardian.

Yeah, that's me, the...

Huh, legal guardian?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm her legal guardian.

Hey, put your headphones in.

Huh?

Put your headphones in.

Mobes.

Yeah?

Mobeen.

Okay, no.

No, I'm not technically her legal guardian.

What?

Bro, listen.

Listen, listen.

Those fees are so expensive!

And what does Aqs think about that?

Yeah, she doesn't know yet, so...

Oh!

Hey.

Come on, don't be angry.

I'm not angry.

Okay.

Good.

Just disappointed.

Look, come on.

Don't be disappointed with me.

Please don't be in a mood.

0 Oh, you'll know when I'm in a mood with you, Mobeen Deen.

You'll know.

They could take her away, you know?

Go on.

I'm gonna Khabib this thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It came out!

That's for you, beta.

Thanks.

Can you get me a Starburst?

Get in there.

Shall I Khabib it?

Yeah Khabib it, go on.

Yeah, it came out!

Which one is it?

What came out?

Uh, I don't know if it came actually.

Pakistan the shit out of this machine.

Come on. - Mobes.

Whoa, my man.

That's a very descriptive tattoo.

It's not a tattoo, is it?

It's permanent marker.

Cause you wanted to save money on a tattoo,

but still have the ability to go swimming

with the words dick tickler written across your forehead,

yeah?

It's not your job title, is it?

Are there any vacancies?

No, it's just the lads having a bit of a laugh for just...

It won't come off and I start my new job on Monday morning.

Doing what?

Uh, supply teacher, so...

Yeah.

Then you also finish your new job on Monday, don't you?

Yeah.

Is it just your own?

Or do you have to tickle other peoples' as well?

What?

I don't know what you...

Baby girl.

What took you so long?

They need to X-ray it,

but it'll take ages and there's no beds.

But you're okay though, aren't you?

Well, this doctor lady came in

and started asking me some weird questions about you lot.

What do you mean?

I can't go to prison.

My face is too kind.

What did she say?

Yeah, what...

What did she say?

Loads of stuff at first, but...

I think that she thinks one of you lot

did this to me on purpose.

I'd make a terrible boyfriend in prison.

No, you wouldn't.

Don't say that.

Anyway, did you tell her the truth?

That I was wrestling my brother and his two mates?

That you lost at wrestling.

At least tell it properly.

Wrestling with grown men sounds mad creepy out loud.

Yeah, it does sound a bit creepy, actually.

Yo.

Please.

So, what did you say?

I stuttered at first,

but then I came up with this sick alibi.

Yeah, you did, baby girl.

What did you say?

What did you tell them?

Gentlemen.

Can I have a word with you all, please?

Oh, shit.

I'm not with them.

I was just using the vending machine.

Shit.

What are you worried about?

I don't know.

So, how did Aqsa Deen sustain her injuries?

What did she tell you?

If you tell me what she said, I'll tell you what I said.

Right.

Let's not worry about my version.

What my sister's version is?

Well, I think she's making it up.

Would you believe me if I said we were wrestling?

Did I tell you about the tiger?

A tiger.

What did she say happened?

And it jumped through the air like a mad tiger bastard.

What?

You can check my record.

I've never been involved in anything illegal, I swear.

Mr Obidi, I'm a doctor.

Then I was like, Mobeen, run.

Get Aqsa out of here.

Let's have this conversation...

At Dixy Chicken's.

How about that?

Are you flirting with me?

No, I'm not doing that.

Mr Deen.

Mm-mm.

Mobeen!

A tiger?

Why?

Why?

"Life of Pi."

Ugh, you're an idiot.

You didn't do too much better yourself, either.

You were in there making us look guilty as shit.

What did you say?

Oh, my God.

Guys...

I'm gonna lose her, innit?

That's what's gonna happen here.

I'm gonna lose her.

I can't do this right now.

We need some time apart.

What?

No, Mobes.

No, no.

No, we need some time apart.

Mobe's, I can change.

You're very strong.

We need some time apart.

Let go!

What shall we do now?

I...

I need to poo.

I can't believe I forgot to renew my Bupa.

I mean, this place is a fucking shambles, buddy.

It's crazy in here.

So what you in for, fella?

Ah, banged my bonce on a barge on Simmo's stag do.

Luckily, I brought my own medicine.

Long ass waiting times in here tonight.

To be fair, you can't blame them, can you?

They've had their funding cut, they're under-resourced.

Mmm...

Is it?

Is it though, buddy?

Is it under-resourcing, or is it...

Something else?

Indeed.

Indeed, it...

Is it something else...

Or is it someone else?

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

I mean, you're not one of them, though, are you?

I mean, you were...

You were born here right?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I was born and raised in Birmingham.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you'll find I'm one of the good ones.

Yes, you are.

I knew you were.

Good man.

Right.

One word for you.

Uh-huh.

Brexit.

Well...

I've got two words for you.

Love it.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

You know, I just think the great thing is now,

we can have an open, honest discussion about immigration.

Absolute...

Absolutely.

You know what?

Now, we've had it...

Let's send the bastards back.

Yes!

God, how fucking refreshing.

I mean, from someone of your...

But, hey, look.

Mmm-hmm.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not a racist, buddy.

Of course not.

You haven't got an issue with trousers of color,

why would you have an issue with people of color?

Exactly.

Trousers and...

Exactly.

That's a good one.

I'm gonna steal that, if you don't mind.

Breader.

Boom!

Oh!

Hey, big guy.

Are you ready to be a family again?

Of course.

Any news?

Yeah, she's had the X-ray.

She waiting for a sling now.

Hey, listen to me, I'm worried for real.

She'll be fine.

Not about her, but these hospital staffs, man.

Them lot think we hurt her for real, for real.

Do you know what we need?

Yeah, a lawyer.

No, some time apart.

Let's see how you like it.

Hey.

Only joking.

Do you want a Twix?

Oh, yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Me, sore head.

You, no fix.

Me wait very, very long time.

Okay, right.

Still haven't bloody been seen.

Surprise, sur-fucking surprise.

You know, I don't know where you'd find more foreigners,

the patients or the bloody staff.

What have you and Simmo been putting in that flask, Rafe?

Liquid racism, yeah?

You know...

Sorry, could somebody tell me

which bloody country we're in again?

Hard to tell, innit?

Hard to tell though, Rafe.

What with all the Eastern European radiographers

and the Nigerian consultants sorting you out.

Sorry, buddy.

Am I detecting a hint of aggression there?

Oh, bloody...

I thought we were on the same bloody page.

Same page?

Motherfucker, we're not even in the same book.

Sorry about the swearing, all right?

That's okay.

He's an asshole.

Oh, I see.

All right, I get it.

You know, the trouble with you people,

you're all the bloody same.

You're right, Rafe.

We are the same, innit?

We're all sick of posh pricks like you

running our government and our media.

Posh?

Whoever said I was posh?

Mr Forbes Plunket.

Thank you.

- Is that you, yeah? - Yeah.

Is that you?

See you later, you double-barrelled dickhead.

Don't shove your willy in any pigs heads on the way down.

You know, I wouldn't stick my willy in a pigs head,

'cause I'd use its vagina, like a gentleman.

Dr Lange.

She won't be too long.

How long do you think she'll take?

I don't...

I don't know.

All right, just calm down, all right?

Relax.

I'm okay.

I'm okay. - Just relax.

Stop man-handling today.

Mobeen.

Aqsa.

Hey.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, they've sorted it.

Okay, let's go home.

Let's go home.

I'm afraid I can't quite release your sister just yet.

Sorry, and why is that?

There are a few more details we need to iron out.

And what are these details, sorry?

Just about following certain procedures.

Moonbeam.

Oh, I'm gonna run.

I'm gonna run.

No.

No.

These procedures.

Now, I really need to poo.

It's always about pooing with you, isn't it, Nathaniel?

Oh, shit.

Finally, about bloody time.

You're not a doctor.

What?

Nothing.

This man will take care of you, okay?

Yeah, yeah, I will.

And of course it's a brown one.

Thank you.

What did you call him for, huh?

He should be dealing with real criminals,

not law-abiding citizens like us.

Law-abiding.

Behave.

I called him because you lied.

Lied?

Did you lie?

Cause I ain't lying, so who's lying?

Go on.

Well, either you lied,

or there's a fucking tiger loose in Small Heath.

Maybe there is.

A tiger?

What is this, "Life of Pi"?

You are not taking her away from me.

Simple as that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's talking about taking people away from you?

She's talking about that, bro.

If this is domestic abuse and one of them

inflicted this injury on her,

then clearly he is not capable of being her carer.

Domestic abuse on his sister?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Harpes.

No chance.

If you'd have told me she'd broke his collarbone

with a flask, I'd have believed you.

She has previous.

You're my guy, you know.

Don't touch me.

Sorry about that.

Where have you been?

Operation.

Listen, to get to the bottom of this,

we need the truth.

How did she break her neck?

Okay, so-

The truth, Maybelline.

Nathaniel, speak.

Speak right now or you're going to prison.

We were playing WWE, then she stood on a bin

and she fell off the bin,

and then we pushed her in a trolley in the bus lane,

and it was an accident.

And...

And then I tried to tombstone her.

And you're just gonna take their word for it?

Yeah, he is.

Shut up.

Harper?

Shut up.

Aztlan, give me your phone.

He films every little thing this lot do.

I do want to film Mobeen-

And we just press play.

Oh, Aqsa...

Did I get it?

Well...

Thank you for wasting everybody's time.

Yeah, lads, it's not just NHS time you've wasted,

it's also police time, so...

Can you piss off, dick tickler?

Right-o.

Well, there you go, Dr T, huh?

Confirmation from Mr Officer Harper-

Don't touch me.

Sorry about that.

Now, I am more than capable

of looking after my little sister.

Ow!

Oh, sorry, baby girl.

Oh, God.

Ah, Officer.

Officer, please help.

I came into this hospital with a mild concussion

and a consultant has just sown up my arsehole--

Oh, fuck.

I wanted to be like Dr Lange.

Uh-huh.

I'm off.

You deal with the human centipede.

Please.

I'm losing a lot of blood from the anus.

Come with me.

Hey, Rafe.

Why don't you take a seat?

I can't take a...

Because all the blood's falling out of my...

Follow me.

It's a fucking travesty back there.

Like an f-ing war zone.

Slow down.

Did you do that?

Did I do good?

You did wicked.

Yes!

Wicked!

Such an asshole.