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1
00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,267
Oh, my God.
2
00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,600
Who did this?
3
00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:22,267
"We've pissed our pants
so many a time,
4
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:24,567
"but this place was first
and thus sublime.
5
00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:27,800
"You'll find the next clue
where the trash is disposed,
6
00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:31,700
the cleanest can on the block,
right next to the hose."
7
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:34,867
"P.S. Dress cute and hot
and fresh and young."
8
00:00:34,933 --> 00:00:37,000
Oh, my God, yes.
9
00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:38,667
Scavenger hunt!
10
00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:40,567
**
11
00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:42,900
Ha ha ha!
12
00:00:42,967 --> 00:00:45,333
Forgot my phone.
Okay.
13
00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:48,633
(gasps and exhales)
14
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,233
* Four and three
and two and one one-one **
15
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:55,633
**
16
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,600
The garbage can
next to the hose...
17
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,100
**
18
00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,567
Ew...
19
00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:05,633
"The next clue is held tight
by a long-haired purveyor
20
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,800
"in the place
you got a hickey
21
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,633
and I was a player."
22
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:20,300
Cha-ching!
23
00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:29,167
This is the whole clue?
24
00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:30,333
It's a blank piece
of paper.
25
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,900
Put it over the fire,
you dumb whore.
26
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,367
Ew!
27
00:01:36,267 --> 00:01:37,867
"The next clue's
in a place
28
00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:39,433
"we went and weeped.
29
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:43,700
A man holds the key,
he's prolly asleep."
30
00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:48,700
You know,
you're a sexy little bitch.
31
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:50,067
(laughing)
32
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:52,600
Where does she find
these fucking people?
33
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:55,267
Thank you
for the information.
34
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,467
Put it on my tab,
Barney.
You got it.
35
00:02:03,533 --> 00:02:06,933
Ha ha!
Got her!
36
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:11,133
(gasping)
Oh, my God.
37
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,333
Hi!
38
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,733
Oh-- no, please,
don't show me your dick!
39
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,767
I don't wanna see
another dick today!
40
00:02:15,833 --> 00:02:17,933
It's a clue.
41
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:22,067
Oh, my God!
Yes!
42
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:23,200
Thank you!
43
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,600
(puppies yelping)
44
00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:31,967
**
45
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,867
Hey.
46
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,133
Hey!
47
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,133
Oh, my God, dude.
48
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,500
This is nuts.
49
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,867
That scavenger hunt
was insane.
50
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,100
Ha-ha-ha!
The Intrepid?
Beautiful.
51
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,533
I mean, I've never...
experienced anything like that.
52
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,800
I mean,
I rode a horse.
53
00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:57,067
I have-- I didn't know
that I could ride a horse.
54
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,867
I did.
You know me better
55
00:02:58,933 --> 00:03:00,300
than I know myself.
Better than
you know yourself.
56
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:01,467
Oh!
Same...
57
00:03:01,533 --> 00:03:03,200
(both)
Page!
58
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,067
(both laughing)
59
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,567
It's...
It's so...
60
00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,133
(both)
Hilarious!
61
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,600
Yes.
62
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:12,300
(both)
Ahh...
63
00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:15,200
We are an incredible team,
and I love you.
64
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,533
That's so sweet.
65
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,433
And look,
it's our dish.
It is our dish.
66
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,600
I dream of these
chicken fingers.
67
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:20,867
Funny thing is,
we won't have
68
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,433
any dreams tonight
because we'll be
69
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,367
shitting ourselves
so crazy with diarrhea.
70
00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:25,933
Cheers to that.
Yeah.
71
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,067
**
72
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:30,200
(laughing)
73
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,467
Aren't these incredible?
74
00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:33,667
**
75
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,167
(both slurping)
76
00:03:36,233 --> 00:03:38,300
So anyway,
Happy Friendiversary.
77
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:40,333
(glasses ding)
78
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,900
Friendiversary... yeah.
79
00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:43,967
Ew.
80
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:47,800
Dude, that...
scavenger hunt
81
00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:50,467
was genius
82
00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,133
for the friendiversary.
83
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,267
Okay, so now, gifts.
84
00:03:55,333 --> 00:03:56,467
Ilana, um,
85
00:03:56,533 --> 00:03:58,067
hold on a second,
I need to...
86
00:03:58,133 --> 00:04:00,067
You can go first.
87
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:02,467
No... no.
88
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,767
No, no, you go.
89
00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:06,200
Thank you, 'cause
I am so freaking excited.
90
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:07,400
Yeah.
91
00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:10,200
Okay, so this is
a family heirloom
92
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:13,467
from my great-grandmother,
Fanny Rose, who came here
93
00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,667
on a ship during
"Fiddler on the Roof" times.
94
00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:16,833
And they were
experiencing
95
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,367
violence and raids
in their shtetl.
96
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,800
Grandma Fanny Rose,
being the child,
97
00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:22,333
was the most
innocent-looking,
98
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,967
so she swallowed
these diamonds,
99
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,467
over and over again,
100
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,133
pooping them out
and sifting through the poop
101
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,933
and swallowing them again
to continue the cycle
102
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:34,067
and keep them safe
until they were in America.
103
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:38,800
Wow...
Wow, wow...
104
00:04:38,867 --> 00:04:40,267
I don't know what to say.
105
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,333
No words necessary.
Just put it on.
106
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,867
Uh, Ilana, I--
I can't accept this.
107
00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:46,933
It's offensive
if you don't accept it.
108
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:49,133
Not just to me
but to Grandma Fanny Rose,
109
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,667
may she rest in peace.
110
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,367
Okay... uh...
111
00:04:53,433 --> 00:04:54,867
I'll just try it on.
112
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,733
I can feel her
when I hold that necklace.
113
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,233
And I feel like you're
bringing her back to life.
114
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,933
It looks gorgeous.
115
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:06,067
Even, like,
on a T-shirt,
116
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,067
you kinda dressed down,
which I get.
117
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:11,067
It's-- it's sort of natural
on you.
118
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:13,133
Thank you.
119
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,433
It's your turn.
120
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,667
Yeah, my turn-- okay.
121
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,233
Um...
122
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,467
I got you, um...
123
00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:25,700
(sighing)
I did research,
124
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,633
and I thought
about it a lot,
125
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,333
and I got a memento
126
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,067
that I-- I think
is the best...
127
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:36,333
Mmm.
And it is a...
128
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,300
um, intensive
hydrating face mask.
129
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,967
What?
Well, okay.
130
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:45,433
Okay, so, it-- it's a--
it's symbolizing--
131
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:49,467
You know, it's a metaphor
for how I feel about you.
132
00:05:49,533 --> 00:05:51,600
You feel that I'm dry?
No.
133
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:55,800
No, I feel that
you are nourishing.
134
00:05:57,833 --> 00:06:02,667
And that you're extremely
rejuvenating for me.
135
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:05,400
You regenerate me.
136
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:06,933
And you restore me,
137
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,733
my-- not only myself
but my skin.
138
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,267
Great, thank you,
thank you so much, great.
Yeah. Are you mad?
139
00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:13,467
(sighing)
140
00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:15,400
Not mad,
just informed.
141
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:20,100
Well, Ilana,
get ready...
142
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:22,067
because...
143
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:25,133
I planned...
144
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,067
a big night...
145
00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:31,600
on the top
of the Empire...
146
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:34,767
State Building!
147
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,733
And I got
the bill as well.
148
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,600
No, the tradition is
that we go Dutch,
149
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:39,933
unless you forgot.
150
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,700
No, I did not forget.
151
00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:44,233
I love that tradition
and very much remember.
152
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:45,367
Mm-hmm.
153
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,433
I think it's actually
better up here in the rain.
154
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:50,967
Hmm.
Hmm.
155
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:53,267
Glad I spent 1,200 bucks
getting these heads made.
156
00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,067
What?
Forget it.
157
00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,733
It is kinda romantic.
158
00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,800
Romantic, I was
just about to say that.
159
00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:01,200
We are, like,
inseparable
160
00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:03,600
and, like, on the same page,
totally, completely.
161
00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,067
Oh, my God, Ilana,
162
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,400
and I-- and I planned
an activity, for us.
163
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:09,800
Check out the city.
164
00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:13,067
Come on.
Here we go.
165
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,133
You're up first.
166
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,667
VIPs.
167
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,067
Wow.
168
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:25,100
The city really is
so magical.
169
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,800
Oh, my God, dude!
170
00:07:28,867 --> 00:07:30,433
What?
Hot sex!
171
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,367
Look right there.
Let me see,
let me see, let me see.
172
00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:34,067
(Ilana laughing)
173
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,933
Oh, my God, Ilana,
this is fucking disgusting.
174
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,267
You are so prude.
175
00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:42,600
It's weird.
176
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,400
No, I'm not.
177
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:51,867
Two ladies? Oh, my God!
You gotta see this!
178
00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:53,667
We gotta come up here
more often.
179
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,067
What the fuck, Ilana?
180
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,733
Do not be
a fucking homophobe.
181
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,100
No, look!
182
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,133
(Abbi)
No!
183
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,500
(gasping)
184
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,333
(both)
Holy shit!
185
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:16,300
Okay, love bugs,
so you say
186
00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,400
she fell off
the fifth floor balcony?
187
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:20,300
Yeah, it was the one
with the blue towel,
188
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,800
and she fell,
like, right here.
189
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:24,500
And then her--
her body bounced.
190
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:25,800
Right over there.
191
00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:27,367
Oh!
192
00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:29,533
Cool.
193
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,167
I'm sorry, sweethearts,
there's no evidence here.
194
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:33,867
Maybe you two
were bored.
195
00:08:33,933 --> 00:08:35,467
You just need
a little excitement.
196
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:37,800
You know it's a felony
to report a false crime?
197
00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,733
Okay, we don't need
any excitement.
198
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,333
We were in the middle
of excitement.
199
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,833
Okay, all right.
Calm down.
200
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,933
You two have
a nice night, okay?
201
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,400
(gasping)
202
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:51,067
I mean,
we saw that, right?
203
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:52,900
Yeah, I mean,
I think so.
204
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,867
Ilana,
that's the guy!
205
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,133
Holy shit!
206
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,267
(Abbi)
Oh, my God.
207
00:09:05,333 --> 00:09:07,067
He's got
a Burton bag!
208
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,400
Abbi. Dude.
209
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:10,567
No, the body's
in the bag, Ilana!
210
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,100
Okay, okay.
211
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,200
**
212
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,667
(Abbi)
I mean, what are we even gonna
say to him when we confront him?
213
00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:18,067
I mean,
are we confronting him?
214
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:19,400
Yeah, we're gonna be,
like, we saw you
215
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:20,567
kill your girlfriend,
bitch!
216
00:09:20,633 --> 00:09:22,600
God, I mean,
this is so crazy.
217
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,533
We are being
so crazy right now.
218
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,067
What if he has a gun?
219
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,667
He probably does.
Everybody has fucking guns.
220
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,767
Oh, my God.
I saw this "Oprah" once
221
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:31,533
where this girl was about
to be sexually assaulted,
222
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,133
and then she twisted
the dude's dick.
223
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,067
I mean, that is always
in the back of my mind.
224
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:37,300
Yeah, 12th season, 1998.
Amazing season.
225
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:39,067
And then the other girl,
who also had been attacked,
226
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:41,400
pissed on her attacker,
and it worked. Genius.
Yep.
227
00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:43,067
(Abbi)
Genius.
228
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:50,200
A karaoke bar?
What?
229
00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:54,633
Do you see him?
230
00:09:55,667 --> 00:09:57,700
Where the fuck
did he go?
231
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,400
**
232
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:06,000
** (vocalizing)
233
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,467
No suitcase.
He doesn't have his suitcase.
234
00:10:14,533 --> 00:10:17,667
** (vocalizing)
235
00:10:21,733 --> 00:10:24,067
What kind of sick fuck
comes in here and eats dessert
236
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,067
after he throws his fiancée
out of the building?
237
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:29,933
Why even get engaged
if you're just gonna murder her?
238
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,867
** (indistinct singing)
239
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,733
Ugh, milk?
What a fucking baby.
240
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,467
** (vocalizing)
241
00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:51,733
Let's go.
242
00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:56,867
**
243
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,700
Let's go.
244
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,700
Hi, um, excuse me, sir,
245
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,233
do you know the name
of the movie that that man
246
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:14,567
just bought
tickets to see?
247
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,700
He bought tickets
to "Daddy's Back."
248
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,867
Jerking off
at "Daddy's Back"
249
00:11:18,933 --> 00:11:21,467
after he kills his wife?
Whoa!
250
00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,067
How long is the movie?
251
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,833
(Ilana)
An hour and 50 minutes.
252
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,867
Plus 45 minutes
of previews.
253
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:29,933
That means we have enough time
to sneak into his apartment.
254
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:33,567
Whoa! No, bitch.
You are a cuckoo bitch.
255
00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,133
We're not breaking
into his apartment.
256
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,567
Okay, Ilana, you were
the one that just said
257
00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:38,800
that we're like,
this productive
258
00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:41,067
and efficient team.
We run this city.
259
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,733
You know, the mother
of his children does
deserve her justice.
260
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,467
Her story must be heard.
261
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:47,067
You're right.
262
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,633
Yeah, we just need to make sure
we do this the smart way.
263
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,533
(giggling)
264
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,600
Hi!
Ladies,
can I help you?
265
00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:56,200
You can indeed.
266
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:58,533
We are here
to surprise our uncle.
267
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,800
(Abbi)
We're his nieces.
268
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:01,200
He just left
a little bit ago,
269
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,933
and we wanted to sneak
into his apartment
270
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,633
to surprise him
for his birthday.
271
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,533
See, we got a cake
and everything.
272
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:08,633
Ugh, yum.
273
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,500
And we just
wanted to set up
274
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:11,833
before everybody else
got here.
275
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,333
We know
he's on the fifth floor,
276
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,533
and we know
he's on a corner apartment,
277
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,067
but we just forgot
the exact number.
278
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:22,500
Oh, that's
Mr. Hudson's apartment, 5D.
279
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,067
Yeah, Uncle Hudson,
we love him.
280
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,067
Oh, sweet Uncle Hudson.
Yeah.
281
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,533
You two are adorable.
282
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,867
You too.
(both laughing)
283
00:12:33,933 --> 00:12:36,133
Jesus, white girls can
get away with anything
284
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,933
if you act dumb enough.
I know, right?
285
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,200
We're lucky
we look dumb.
286
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:43,067
Healthy-looking hookers.
287
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,133
Whoa.
288
00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:54,133
I mean, this is crazy.
289
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,567
I mean, we really
can do anything
290
00:12:55,633 --> 00:12:56,700
if we put our minds
together.
291
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,067
So, we have an hour
292
00:12:58,067 --> 00:12:59,400
until he gets
out of the movie.
Right.
293
00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,067
What are we even
looking for?
294
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:02,433
Evidence.
295
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,067
Yeah.
296
00:13:07,167 --> 00:13:10,800
This was a home
that... had heart.
297
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,467
Oh, my God.
298
00:13:16,533 --> 00:13:18,500
Holy shit!
299
00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:22,733
This is an entire accordion
folder full of takeout menus.
300
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,267
You ever heard
of Seamless?
301
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:26,467
Insane, he probably doesn't
even let her on the Internet
302
00:13:26,533 --> 00:13:27,867
'cause she'll
read too much.
303
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,333
This is nuts.
304
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,600
Ugh, look at this.
They were a happy couple.
305
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,800
Sick.
306
00:13:32,867 --> 00:13:34,800
And all along,
his blood is just boiling
307
00:13:34,867 --> 00:13:36,600
that she's so much hotter
than he is.
308
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:38,067
Cleaning supplies.
309
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:40,567
An entire cabinet
full of cleaning supplies?
310
00:13:40,633 --> 00:13:43,467
She thinks that she's gonna
use them to clean the toilet.
311
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:46,333
Guess what. He's using them
to clean up her blood.
312
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,300
Mmm.
God.
313
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,133
(keys jingling)
314
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,600
(lock rattling)
(gasping)
315
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:59,133
(keys jangling)
316
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:05,867
Oh, my God.
Okay.
317
00:14:05,933 --> 00:14:07,400
Holy shit,
holy shit.
318
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,067
Oh, my God.
319
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,467
They're definitely married!
Look at all her clothes!
320
00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:14,667
I can't stand
dead women's clothes!
321
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,233
Jesus.
322
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:17,600
Okay.
(phone line trilling)
323
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,133
(woman)
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
324
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,267
Hey, it's Ilana.
325
00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:21,867
Um, we--
we called earlier.
326
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:23,567
Yeah, about the woman being
pushed off the balcony!
327
00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:26,133
And now we're being held hostage
in a man's apartment.
328
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,333
Oh, my God.
The cake!
329
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,433
Sh...
I left the cake.
330
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,467
Look, I'm so sorry, dude.
331
00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:42,833
I'm sorry, I think this is
the moment that we die.
332
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:44,200
This is it,
this is it.
333
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:46,533
My mom's gonna
be so pissed.
334
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,567
Ilana, can I just
say something?
335
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,267
You're my favorite person.
336
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:00,267
Oh, my God,
you're mine.
337
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,267
You're my everything.
338
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,400
And I want to tell you
something before we die.
339
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:06,133
Okay.
This morning...
340
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,267
I was the horse.
341
00:15:10,867 --> 00:15:12,267
What?
342
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,467
(floor creaking)
343
00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:20,200
We gotta hide,
we gotta-- Go, go, go!
344
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:21,867
Get in the corner,
get in the corner!
345
00:15:21,933 --> 00:15:23,400
(both gasping)
346
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:27,467
(breaks wind)
347
00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:30,400
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
348
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,133
(all screaming)
349
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,400
God, fuck no!
Don't!
350
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,267
No, no, kill me
and let her go!
351
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,700
No, Abbi, no!
352
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,267
Who the fuck are you?
353
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:39,967
What the fuck is
that smell?
354
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:41,433
Chicken fingers from...
355
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:42,500
(both)
The House of Barbecue!
356
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,233
The fuck
are you doing here?
357
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,700
We saw you kill
your soulmate!
358
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,233
We were on the top
of the Empire State Building!
359
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,233
We saw you push her
off the balcony,
360
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,767
you sick fuck!
361
00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:52,700
And then we found
your fucking sex doll!
362
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:54,533
You fucking freak!
363
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,067
Oh, you did, did you?
Okay.
364
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:57,800
You wanna know who's
in the closet with you?
That's Fran.
365
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,467
And you wanna know
who fell off the balcony?
366
00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:01,300
That was
Fran's sister Lydia.
367
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,467
Lydia's a sex doll, too!
368
00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,400
I didn't push her,
she fell!
369
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,600
We were making love!
370
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:10,167
And honestly,
it's a real design flaw,
371
00:16:10,233 --> 00:16:12,200
you know, how heavy
they make the head.
372
00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,900
'Cause sometimes,
I wanna put the girls
up against something,
373
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,333
you know, I wanna
stand them up straight.
374
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,667
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(stammering)
375
00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:20,067
Well, th-then why was the body
in a suitcase, huh?
376
00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:21,467
You were following me?
377
00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:24,067
I was taking my fake wife
to get repaired,
378
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:27,067
because her fucking head
fell off when she hit the--
379
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,700
the fire escape
on the way down!
380
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:31,800
That's a black market
sex doll hospital!
381
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,267
Like an American Girl
doll hospital.
382
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:34,833
Exactly.
Okay.
383
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:37,467
Then what were you doing
jerking off at "Daddy's Back"?
384
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,767
Yeah!
I wasn't jerking off.
385
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,467
I sometimes go
to the movie theater
386
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,267
and pay 30 bucks for a ticket
because I enjoy the popcorn.
387
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,067
Okay, I--
I'm going to apologize,
388
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:49,067
'cause I feel really--
This is not right.
I'm really sorry, dude.
389
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,367
This is really
just awful, you know.
We thought it was a--
390
00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:52,167
We thought it was a woman.
No, no.
391
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,067
And we were like--
we were gonna take matters...
Everything's trash.
392
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,833
Into our own hands
and save this person.
I get it, man.
393
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:58,067
It's really bad, we thought
it was battery against women.
394
00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,067
Yeah, yeah, that's not you.
I mean, that's not you.
You wouldn't do that.
395
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:02,633
(knocking)
Right after we explained
to the cops why--
396
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,367
What?
Why we-- Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry!
397
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:06,067
We did not know!
We did not know!
398
00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:09,933
So as you can see, this has just
been a stupid misunderstanding.
399
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:14,367
'Cause we really legit thought
that he murdered a-a lady.
400
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,367
Not that
a true companion,
401
00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,800
you know,
wasn't injured tonight.
No.
402
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,867
(both laughing)
403
00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,067
Hey.
Okay.
404
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:26,067
Enough.
405
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:28,733
(both laughing)
406
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,167
Guys, shut up.
407
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:33,067
Sorry.
This guy...
408
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,100
What's your name?
409
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,200
Uh, Terry.
410
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:37,467
Terry's just one man...
411
00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:38,800
trying to find
a little bit of comfort
412
00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:42,900
in this fucked up,
upside down world.
413
00:17:42,967 --> 00:17:46,567
And what's the difference
between Fran and your guns
414
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,067
making you feel like men?
415
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,267
And what's the difference
between Fran and...
416
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:53,267
this guy?
417
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:54,633
If I rubbed him
on my clit,
418
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,500
does that make me
a fucking freak?
419
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:59,133
You know, he's soft and--
and firm at the same time.
420
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,300
It's an interesting feeling that
I wouldn't mind experiencing.
421
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:06,467
Ew, Ilana.
That was you?
422
00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:09,333
You said
disgusting things to me.
423
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,133
Happy Friendiversary.
424
00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:13,967
So sweet.
425
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:16,700
So what are we doing?
426
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:18,867
Okay, so you don't want
to press charges?
427
00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:20,833
No, we-- we--
we would never.
428
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,600
That's not right.
It's like, it was
a misunderstanding.
429
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,467
Not you two-- you gals
committed a felony.
430
00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:26,800
You, sir, do you wanna--
431
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:30,133
No, I-I just want this over.
432
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,300
That's really nice.
433
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,600
Thank you.
Okay.
434
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,167
Mmm.
Let's go.
435
00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:35,800
So sorry.
So sorry about that.
436
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:37,567
Okay.
437
00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:42,100
Bye, Fran.
438
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,100
(door closes)
439
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:54,133
Well, Fran...
it really is my birthday.
440
00:19:03,133 --> 00:19:04,967
Want some?
441
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:10,200
Okay, Alec Baldwin.
442
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:12,200
Oof. No shoes.
Yeah.
443
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:14,667
I feel like he gets pedicures
and keeps them nice, right?
444
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,067
Totally.
445
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:17,800
Okay, Kim Kardash.
446
00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:19,900
Okay, so I'm sure
her feet are, like,
447
00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:24,067
sexy or whatever,
but I say keep the shoes on.
448
00:19:24,133 --> 00:19:26,533
I'd-- I'd want to see
the original feet, sure.
449
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,933
Wait, hold on, you think
she got her feet done?
450
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,567
Oh, no doubt.
451
00:19:31,633 --> 00:19:34,200
People get fat injected
to the balls of their feet
452
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:35,933
to make high heels
easier to wear.
453
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:38,267
Ugh, gross.
454
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,167
I know, um...
455
00:19:40,233 --> 00:19:42,067
Ugh, dude.
Michael Jordan.
456
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,433
Hmm, okay.
Yikes.
457
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,367
Well, I feel like his feet
would be, like, super scary.
458
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:47,667
Horrifying.
But so scary that
I'd want to see them,
459
00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,267
so no shoes,
definitely.
460
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:55,200
Tonight was insane.
461
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:57,733
Nuts.
That was crazy.
462
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:58,800
Yeah, like...
463
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,267
That was fucking...
464
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,300
That was nuts.
465
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,733
I mean, you jumped
in front of me.
466
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,467
You were gonna risk
your life for me.
467
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:10,367
Well, I mean,
your scavenger hunt
was fucking amazing.
468
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:14,367
Okay, Ilana,
I gotta fess up.
469
00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:15,933
I forgot about
our friendiversary.
470
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,267
I'm sorry, I--
I'm really sorry.
471
00:20:19,333 --> 00:20:20,367
Yeah, I know.
472
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,433
But that doesn't mean
you should die.
473
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:23,867
No, no, I know,
474
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,500
but you did
the whole scavenger hunt,
475
00:20:25,567 --> 00:20:26,733
and then you also gave me
476
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,667
your great-grandmother's
necklace that she kept
477
00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:30,533
up her butt or whatever.
478
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,100
I-- I should-- I should
probably take that back.
479
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,367
Yeah, I would love
to give it back.
480
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,967
That was a really
intense story,
481
00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:37,300
and I just feel weird
having it on my neck.
482
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,367
It was inappropriate,
but my love for you is
483
00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:40,933
sometimes inappropriate,
and you know what?
484
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,467
It looked beautiful on you
tonight, so fuck me.
485
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,000
But Ilana, I just--
I will say that I do
486
00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:48,267
really stand
by those sheet masks,
487
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,867
like, I know
it's a small thing,
488
00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:52,067
but those are
very hydrating.
489
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:54,300
It's just a great product
overall, I think,
490
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:55,633
in my opinion.
491
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:58,133
Sure.
492
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,600
Isn't it nuts
when you think about
493
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:03,733
how much shit we have done
together since we met?
494
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,167
How powerful
we've become?
495
00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:07,867
All the witch energy
496
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:11,133
we have soaked up
from this city.
497
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,067
Also, okay,
let's just say
498
00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:15,333
that that dude had
murdered his wife tonight.
499
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,267
Right.
And let's just say
that she was a human.
500
00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,067
Yes.
I mean,
we would have solved
501
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:22,367
a fucking
murder mystery tonight.
502
00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,600
I know, we were
literally, like, urgh!
503
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:25,733
(thunder booming)
504
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,933
Oh, my God!
505
00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:32,067
Holy shit, what the--
This is insane.
506
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:33,733
How are--
How are we not magic?
507
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,333
You tell me,
'cause I don't know.
508
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,400
You can't tell me.
You don't know!
509
00:21:44,233 --> 00:21:45,267
I have to tell you
something.
510
00:21:45,333 --> 00:21:46,767
Okay.
This morning...
511
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:49,067
Yeah?
I was the horse.
512
00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:50,400
(both laughing)
513
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:52,833
Forget it!
Forget it!
514
00:21:54,067 --> 00:21:55,667
Forget it.
Forget it.
515
00:21:55,733 --> 00:21:57,100
But can we do one more
other one?
516
00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:58,300
One more.
35502
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