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1
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,500
Thank you for house-sitting.
Thank you.
2
00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:12,533
I'm taking Oliver for detox
in the Hamptons.
3
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,000
Standardized testing has
really stressed him out.
4
00:00:15,067 --> 00:00:16,267
Hm.
5
00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,900
Now here, make sure
you feed the blue macaw,
6
00:00:18,967 --> 00:00:21,433
and make sure the house
gets a lot of positive energy.
7
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:22,933
I think I can manage that.
8
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,100
Great.
9
00:00:24,167 --> 00:00:26,000
Oliver, our Uber's close.
10
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,667
Times tables!
Topic sentences!
11
00:00:27,733 --> 00:00:29,433
Five paragraph essay!
Five paragraph essay!
12
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,267
Oliver, chill, chill, chill.
13
00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:33,267
Standardized testing
does not define you.
14
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,100
Nothing can happen
in the global economy
15
00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,433
that will ever
make you need to work.
16
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,033
(helicopter approaching)
17
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,967
Hi, Uber, we're out front!
18
00:00:41,033 --> 00:00:42,000
Whoa!
A helicopter?
19
00:00:42,067 --> 00:00:44,133
I thought Uber just had cars.
20
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,600
Uber has cars?
21
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,433
(car horns blaring)
Uh-huh.
22
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,000
Buh-bye!
23
00:00:52,067 --> 00:00:54,267
Enjoy the Hamptons!
24
00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,767
(helicopter flying away)
25
00:00:57,967 --> 00:01:01,267
Wow...
okay, dude, we're safe.
26
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:04,700
(grunting)
27
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,067
Ooh.
28
00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,133
You know,
there's a gate right there.
29
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,467
Oh.
30
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:13,800
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
31
00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:18,400
**
32
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:21,067
(angelic music)
33
00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:22,200
This is unreal.
34
00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:24,767
Double jumbo capacity
washer-dryer,
35
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:27,433
cleaning 25 pounds
of your dirtiest dog shit
36
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:28,933
at lightening speed.
37
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,567
**
38
00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:44,167
Now, mademoiselle,
to the tour.
39
00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:47,167
(fast classical piano playing)
40
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:50,067
**
41
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,433
Mmm.
42
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:59,067
(French accent)
Enter ze master bath.
43
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:01,867
(normal voice)
Italian marble,
Asian marble,
44
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:05,900
Puerto Rican marble,
every ethnicity of marble.
45
00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,533
And the coochie de gras...
46
00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:10,800
(Abbi gasps)
47
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,067
Is that a bidet?
48
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,867
You bidet believe it is.
Ow.
49
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,267
(bidet beeping)
50
00:02:19,333 --> 00:02:20,300
Let's try staccato.
51
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:22,800
(water spraying)
52
00:02:22,867 --> 00:02:25,533
I'm gonna check on
my online dating profiles.
53
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,500
Whew, the water
is perfectly warmed
54
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:30,067
to accommodate my anus.
Oh, my God, dude.
55
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:33,433
My high school English teacher,
Mr. Miller, is on Bumble.
56
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,500
(water running)
That is unreal!
57
00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,200
Oh, also your
Bumble thing is hot.
58
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:41,100
I don't know, I feel like
it's a little creepy.
59
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:42,467
Hell yeah,
60
00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,800
sometimes in life you need
creepy, freaky fucks.
61
00:02:44,867 --> 00:02:46,733
Plus, you guys
are both adults now.
62
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,400
You must swipe "yas,"
you cannot swipe "nas."
63
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:50,933
Yeah, you're right,
we are both adults now.
64
00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:52,867
Plus, I always had
a thing for him.
65
00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:54,567
Yeah, teachers are
the ultimate fantasy.
66
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,800
Yeah, you know what?
You're right.
67
00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:58,200
I'm doing it.
68
00:02:58,267 --> 00:02:59,500
(phone beeps)
Oh, my God.
69
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:00,767
Okay, we matched.
70
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,667
Hell yeah, you did,
you creepy bitch.
71
00:03:02,733 --> 00:03:04,567
All right,
what do I say?
Say, um...
72
00:03:04,633 --> 00:03:06,567
I need help
studying for my ACTs
73
00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:09,067
and I'm trying to get a 69.
74
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:13,833
I'm gonna write,
"Hey. Long time."
75
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:16,533
Okay, sent.
76
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,433
(water running heavily)
77
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,067
Okay, um, he's typing.
78
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,533
(water continues running)
79
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,133
He's still typing.
Jesus.
80
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,233
Okay, he's--
Okay, he wrote,
81
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,633
"I'm in town, do you want
to meet up tonight?"
82
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,833
(moaning and laughing)
83
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:33,133
Is that about the message
or the bidet?
84
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,067
(water pressure decreases)
85
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,867
Honestly, both.
86
00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:39,400
He should come here.
This place is so adult.
87
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,867
You know, you'll seem
older than he is.
88
00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:42,267
That's perfect.
89
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:43,500
Okay, I'm gonna say that
90
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:46,800
we're having
an adults-only soiree
91
00:03:46,867 --> 00:03:48,067
and that he should stop by.
(fingers snap)
92
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,400
Casual.
Love it.
93
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,767
(phone beeps)
94
00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:53,400
Gaga, now all
that's left is prep.
95
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,667
Sit your sweet ass
on this bidet.
96
00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:58,100
I feel like a wine glass
fresh out of the dishwasher.
97
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:07,633
(bidet beeping)
98
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,400
(water running)
Oh...
99
00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:13,733
Now get into it.
100
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,100
So what's going on
with you and Lincoln?
101
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,967
It's official now.
He's, like, your boyfriend.
102
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,633
Yeah, you know,
it's just that,
103
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,333
um, just trying not to
choke it out with a label.
104
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,967
Ah...
You know, I'm just like,
it is an essential part
105
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:25,100
of my character that
I'm just not into labels.
106
00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:28,067
So we're just
enjoying the ride.
107
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,867
Yeah, I think that's great.
(phone beeps)
108
00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:31,767
Oh, dude, it's him.
109
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:34,200
Okay, he's on his way.
(gasps)
110
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:35,567
(doorbell rings)
111
00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:37,067
Oh, my God.
That was fast.
112
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:41,133
Yikes. Hot, dude.
Dry that sweet ass and move.
113
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,633
It's wet.
114
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,067
You know what,
I think I need to change
115
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,467
into something
a little more casual
116
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:47,933
like... resort wear?
117
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:51,500
"Resort wear"?
You are naturally rich.
118
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,333
You ready?
Yeah.
119
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,333
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
120
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,633
Um, do like...
121
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,433
This is, like,
a little more mature.
122
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,533
Ooh, perfect.
Great.
123
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,100
Oh. Jaimé.
(Ilana)
Hi.
124
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:11,233
God, you're a princess...
Thank you.
125
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,100
In a castle.
Hey.
126
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:15,533
How you holding up, BB?
Ay, how do you think?
127
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,500
You know,
I had an adult circumcision
128
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:21,067
and I cannot get hard
for two more weeks.
129
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,167
Why can't you get hard?
130
00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:24,200
'Cause his stitches
will tear.
131
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:25,467
My penis.
Duh.
132
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,867
Oh, obviously.
133
00:05:27,933 --> 00:05:29,733
(whispers)
You can't just hold books.
134
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,233
You have to
actually read them.
135
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,700
Yeah.
136
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,967
(angelic music)
137
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,833
**
138
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,900
(all laughing)
139
00:05:45,967 --> 00:05:47,133
(washing machine rumbling)
140
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,867
Oh, my God. Um...
141
00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:51,433
I cannot be around vibrations
in my current state.
142
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:54,833
Do you mind if we just...
Okay.
143
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:58,567
(fast classical piano playing)
144
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:03,767
So... Italian marble,
145
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,567
Asian marble,
Puerto Rican marble,
146
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:08,867
and... the coochie de gras.
147
00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:11,867
(Jaimé gasps)
148
00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:15,400
A bidet is synonymous
with sex in rich Guatemala.
149
00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:17,700
A boner is inevitable,
I cannot be in here.
150
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:19,067
I'm so sorry. I-- I--
Go.
151
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,667
I see. Wow.
(doorbell rings)
152
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,733
(Abbi)
Shit, dude,
my teacher's here!
153
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,567
Hello, my dear!
154
00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:30,500
(Ilana)
Hello, my, um,
155
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,167
my fluid... dude.
156
00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:34,500
Uh...
157
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,067
Hey.
Hey.
158
00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:37,867
Oh, my--
159
00:06:37,933 --> 00:06:39,500
Okay.
He's here, he's here.
160
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,567
Oh.
(doorbell rings)
161
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,667
(groans)
162
00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:43,967
We got it.
163
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,100
Hey.
Hey, Abbi.
164
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,400
Hey, Mr. Miller.
165
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:51,500
Richard.
Richard.
166
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:53,267
(door closes)
167
00:06:54,933 --> 00:06:58,133
Um, hey, Ilana, Lincoln,
168
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,367
uh, this is a man.
169
00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:03,567
And this is Lincoln,
he is a-- a man, as well.
170
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:04,567
Friend from way back when.
171
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,900
Pal and a confidant.
172
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,767
Former teacher.
He's not my teacher anymore.
173
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:09,067
We're on a date now.
174
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:13,133
And this is Lincoln.
He is my...
175
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,867
boy... friend?
176
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:21,900
Yeah.
He's my boyfriend.
177
00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:23,367
(Richard)
That's great.
178
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:27,133
Wow, that took a long time...
179
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,400
to say.
180
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:35,067
Huh, a taxidermy room.
181
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,333
Oh.
Nothing. Hi.
182
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:41,533
Uh, Jaimé, this is, um...
Richard.
183
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,367
Um...
he was my teach guy.
184
00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:47,767
Not anymore.
That's why we're on a date.
185
00:07:47,833 --> 00:07:50,067
I mean, it's not why--
He used to be your teacher?
186
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,200
And now you're on a date?
187
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,300
Yes.
188
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:57,500
Ow.
Excuse me, I'm gonna...
189
00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:01,067
Ow! Can't... touch.
I'm so sorry.
190
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,200
(Jaimé grunting)
191
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:05,800
(angelic music)
192
00:08:05,867 --> 00:08:08,933
**
193
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,133
Okay, is it kinda weird
that we're on a date?
194
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,533
I mean, not really.
195
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,767
I mean, we're adults, right?
196
00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:20,333
Yeah, you're right.
I am an adult now.
197
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,400
"Supposably."
198
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,900
Supposedly.
With a "D."
199
00:08:23,967 --> 00:08:25,333
Sorry.
English teacher mode.
200
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,433
It's fine.
201
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:30,200
Speaking of which,
I did love it when
202
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,967
you used to make Tina Palmer
stop saying "like" so much.
203
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,767
She'd never let me
sit at her lunch table
204
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:36,267
because, "like,
I wasn't hot enough."
205
00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:37,467
What?
Yeah!
206
00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,267
You were so much
cuter than her.
207
00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:42,267
I mean, you're not
so bad yourself.
208
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:44,833
I used to think
about you like that.
209
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,400
I used to think about you
like that too.
210
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,900
I, um...
211
00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:58,133
I have to go piss...
212
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,067
hard.
213
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:02,833
I'm gonna...
214
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:06,067
Hon, do zip me up.
Of course, m'lady.
215
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,400
Mmm.
216
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:10,067
Oh, sweetie,
let me get that for you.
217
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,600
Your fingers
are for two things.
218
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:14,067
Filling cavities,
and filling cavities.
219
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,067
(chuckling)
220
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:16,233
Oh, you!
221
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,333
Mm. My man.
222
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,300
Ilana, I'm gonna be honest
223
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:22,300
'cause we're in
a relationship now.
224
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:24,167
I don't think
you got this 100% right.
225
00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:25,933
This is...
this is horrible.
226
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:29,367
I promise to improve.
You're my priority now.
227
00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:32,067
(Abbi)
Ilana?
228
00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:34,100
I need to talk.
229
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,433
BRB, Abbi's a priority.
230
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,933
Whoa, love that outfit.
Thank you.
231
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,233
Okay, I don't know
if I can do this with Richard.
232
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,967
He's, like,
really creeping me out.
233
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,067
Mmm, so hot.
No, it's not, okay?
234
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:48,067
He said he thought
about me like that.
235
00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,367
Like, when I was
his student, though.
236
00:09:49,433 --> 00:09:51,367
I mean, you don't think...
237
00:09:51,433 --> 00:09:52,767
that he jerked off to me?
238
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,333
Yeah.
Really?
239
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,667
Bitch, durr.
240
00:09:55,733 --> 00:09:57,233
All teachers jerk off
to their students.
241
00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:58,533
No, they don't.
All teachers do not
242
00:09:58,600 --> 00:09:59,900
jerk off to their students.
243
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,233
Oh, sweet Abbi.
244
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,967
Once students have flowered,
245
00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:04,233
teachers are either
fucking them
246
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:05,467
or jerking off to them.
247
00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:07,233
Respect the ones
who only jerk off.
248
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,233
The other ones
are in the news.
249
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,033
No, no, no!
250
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:11,233
Ilana, no.
251
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,600
We can't control
our thoughts, dude.
252
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,000
Jerking off
is not a crime.
253
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:15,400
Well, it depends
on where you do it.
254
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:17,000
In the privacy
of their own home?
255
00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:19,133
Listen, if Lincoln and I
ever have children--
256
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,767
and believe me, we're
not talking about that
for a couple of years--
257
00:10:21,833 --> 00:10:24,300
I hope their teachers
are jerking off to them.
258
00:10:24,367 --> 00:10:25,800
You do?
259
00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:27,500
If it keeps
their disgusting hands
260
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:28,900
off my hot-ass,
bl-ewish kids,
261
00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:30,400
then yeah.
262
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,400
I don't know,
it still creeps me out.
263
00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:34,767
All right,
let's get real.
264
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:37,800
You ever jerk off to JTT?
265
00:10:37,867 --> 00:10:41,067
Jonathan Taylor Thomas?
Yeah, I mean, all the time.
266
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,533
As he was
on "Home Improvement,"
267
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,133
that poreless, olive skin?
268
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,700
Or as he is now,
a present day,
269
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:50,167
31-year-old actor?
270
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,633
Oh, no.
271
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,367
I've been jerking off
to a teenager every other night.
272
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:56,400
And are you a creep?
Are you a criminal?
273
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:58,433
We're all jerking off
to teenagers.
274
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:00,867
And I'll tell you what,
they're jerking off to us too.
275
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:03,633
That's the circle of life.
276
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:06,067
When you say it like that,
it's not creepy at all.
277
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,300
Yes, dude.
278
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,500
Jerking off is all we got.
279
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,100
It literally saves the world.
280
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:12,333
Thank you.
281
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,567
(grunts)
282
00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:18,100
Oh...
283
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:19,367
* It's for the look *
284
00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:20,400
* I don't light it *
285
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:22,067
Love it.
286
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,100
(breaks wind)
287
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:25,067
Oh, sorry, I'm sorry.
Don't--
288
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,267
Don't even, it's--
289
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:27,833
I'm a grown man,
so I should have more control
290
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,400
over my pelvic flow,
that's all.
291
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,400
No, farts are part of
the total relationship package.
292
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:33,400
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
293
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:36,067
Watch this.
294
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,300
(breaks wind)
295
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,200
(breaks wind)
(laughing)
296
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,233
(breaks wind)
Yes!
297
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,167
(breaks wind rhythmically)
298
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:44,433
(breaks wind)
(laughing)
299
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:45,967
(breaks wind)
300
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,467
(gasps)
(breaks wind)
301
00:11:47,533 --> 00:11:49,467
Yeah. This is like
a breakdance battle,
302
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:51,167
but not at all.
303
00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:53,667
(breaks heavy wind)
304
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,367
That was different
from the others.
305
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,933
(hoarse)
All good. Excuse me one sec.
306
00:12:03,533 --> 00:12:05,167
(choking)
307
00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:07,267
Hey, Ilana,
have some perspective.
308
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:10,667
You shat yourself
at a party five weeks ago.
309
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,900
Hey, sorry about
those last few things I said.
310
00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:19,333
That sort of came out weird.
311
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,533
It's fine.
312
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,067
If we met right now,
you'd just be, like,
313
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,567
a hot dude
who happens to teach.
314
00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:27,300
All right.
315
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,733
This is, um,
actually pretty good.
316
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,733
Yes, this is, uh,
it's amazing.
317
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,100
Got sort of a full body
with a tannic grip.
318
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:38,500
Yeah, I-- I love...
319
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:41,867
full bodies
with tannic grips.
320
00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:44,533
I love those things
with my wine.
321
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,200
What do you mean?
322
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:48,667
Oh, just, what you said.
323
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:50,200
I was like, "Yep,
mm-hmm, me too."
324
00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:51,867
Yeah.
325
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,900
His and hers
casket sheets.
326
00:12:57,967 --> 00:13:00,567
This is amazing...
327
00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,833
(sighs)
Oh, I forgot to tell you
328
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,067
we have brunch
with Abbi and Jaimé on Saturday.
329
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:08,200
Oh, I can't, I already
have golf with Dr. Tims.
330
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:12,833
Okay, I guess we have to make
a shared Google Calendar now
331
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,067
so we don't double-book
all the time.
332
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,667
Sounds like a great idea.
I love Google Calendar.
333
00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:27,700
"Current events..."
334
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:33,233
(fast classical piano playing)
335
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:36,300
It's all good.
Ay, Dios mío.
336
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,367
**
337
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,567
That's not good.
Books...
338
00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:44,767
Ay!
339
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:47,467
Ay, stop it!
My stitches!
340
00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:50,767
My stitches!
Please! Please!
341
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:53,067
Ah, hello, Europe.
342
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,700
(screams)
343
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,900
**
344
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,167
I really enjoy Monet's
early impressionism.
345
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:11,767
I mean, I was reading
about his process
346
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:14,067
in "The New Yorker--"
Hold on a second.
347
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,367
You read "The New Yorker"?
348
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:17,500
Yeah, a lot.
349
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:18,767
Wow, like, the whole thing?
350
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,833
Yeah.
Yeah, I usually get through it.
351
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:24,767
That's so hot.
That's, like,
352
00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:26,367
super sexy.
353
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,100
That I can read?
354
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:36,067
(panicking)
355
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,967
"Pretend like it's day one."
356
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,433
Pretend like it's day one.
357
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,533
Damn, reading is so dope.
358
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,767
**
359
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,667
* Mirror, mirror,
on the wall *
360
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:55,100
* Tell me what you see *
361
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:57,567
* It's that, oh my God,
it's lookin' heavenly *
362
00:14:57,633 --> 00:14:59,067
* Ooh *
363
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:02,167
* Poppin' Power Rangers,
purple, yellow, pink *
364
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:05,100
* Throwin' ones,
wonder what my mama think *
365
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:08,233
* Feelin' like a stripper
when I'm lookin' in the mirror *
366
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:11,500
* I'll be slappin' on that ass
gettin' thicker and thicker *
367
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:13,233
* Ohh! **
368
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:16,567
Calling Dr. Rice.
I have a bad cavity
369
00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:17,967
that needs to get drill--
370
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,100
(breaks wind)
371
00:15:24,733 --> 00:15:26,067
Ugh. Wake up!
372
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,567
(yelps)
373
00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:30,300
Okay, so we have to talk about
this whole relationship thing.
374
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,100
What?
Think about what
we have sacrificed
375
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:35,300
to enter this sexless
fart party.
376
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,233
When was the last time
we even had sex?
377
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,767
We had sex an hour ago.
378
00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:40,333
And that's good enough
for you?
379
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,933
I--
I-- I can't.
380
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:48,533
Told you I have
a refractory period.
381
00:15:51,967 --> 00:15:54,567
Oh, good.
Chess pieces.
There's chess pieces.
382
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:01,833
Looks like somebody
didn't do her homework.
383
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,167
Wait, what?
384
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,067
Ohh...
Yeah.
385
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,300
Um, I didn't.
386
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,567
But, I don't know,
is there any...
387
00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:12,200
extra credit I can do
to bring my grade up?
388
00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:13,667
I don't think so.
389
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:16,933
Looks like you're getting
a big, fat "D" this semester.
390
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,567
(Jaimé whimpering)
391
00:16:25,633 --> 00:16:27,533
Jaimé, don't get hard.
392
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,367
Okay, I gotta hash this out.
393
00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:31,433
Like, are we aiming
at forever?
394
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,833
That seems ridiculous.
No.
395
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,900
It's cra-- I don't wanna
do anything forever.
396
00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:39,900
I like spaghetti,
but I don't wanna
die with spaghetti.
397
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:41,967
I mean, I might,
but I don't know yet.
398
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,333
I wanna take this
one day at a time,
399
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,833
the same way
I take spaghetti.
400
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:48,633
Yeah, 'cause a lifetime
sounds ominous and scary.
401
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,100
Yeah, 'cause lifetime
implies death.
402
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:52,700
Think about it like this.
403
00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,567
Let's say you won
a lifetime supply
of Doritos.
404
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,433
I'm listening.
At first you'd be psyched,
405
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,500
you got all these Doritos.
406
00:16:57,567 --> 00:16:58,967
Then after a while,
407
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,767
every time you went
to grab a bag of Doritos,
408
00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:02,067
you're like, "Oh, I wanna die."
409
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,567
(sighs)
So this is what I propose.
410
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:07,167
We do it for a year,
short-term.
411
00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:10,233
And then after that year,
we check in with each other.
412
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,600
See how it's going,
like a phone contract.
413
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,067
God, I love that.
414
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,733
'Cause I can do that.
415
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,067
And thank you
for all the food metaphors.
416
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,400
You're welcome.
417
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,067
I was eating spaghetti
and Doritos yesterday.
418
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,067
That's probably why my farts
smell so violent.
419
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,400
Right.
420
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,767
I'm gonna avoid that
combination in the future.
421
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,900
I'd really appreciate that.
422
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:32,700
(machine rumbling)
423
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,100
(whispering)
Jaimé, be strong.
424
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:39,900
Penis, be weak.
Be weak!
425
00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:45,433
Should we be doing this?
You're so young.
426
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,233
I mean, I'm 28.
427
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,900
No, but you're,
like, 17, right?
428
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:55,567
Yeah... I am only 17.
429
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:58,633
Yeah, like, you don't even
know how to drive.
430
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,567
No, I just got my license.
431
00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:04,267
I mean, it's actually
just my permit.
432
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:11,833
There you are, Abbi.
433
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:13,833
Hold on.
Get off, get off.
434
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,500
Okay, um...
Sorry.
435
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:16,833
Were you just pulling
my skin back
436
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:20,433
so I looked
more like a child?
437
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,700
We were roleplaying, right?
Like you're 17.
438
00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:25,433
I was trying to make you
look young-ish.
439
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:26,867
What the fuck?
440
00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:28,067
(Jaimé)
Okay, no more!
441
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,300
Wow!
Oh, my--
442
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,167
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Jaimé!
443
00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:33,800
Why are you in here right now?
Well, I'm so sorry, okay?
444
00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:35,500
But I was trying to hide
in the children's room
445
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:36,767
so I wouldn't get hard.
446
00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:38,167
But that, sir,
that was just disgusting.
447
00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,067
I hope you know that.
Disgusting.
448
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,333
Yeah, you know what, Richard?
That was disgusting, for one.
449
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,100
For two, I exfoliate, like,
almost every other day.
450
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,967
And you know what?
My skin is radiant.
451
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:48,433
I don't know
that much to be true,
452
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,833
but I know this much
to be true.
453
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:51,900
Abbi,
skincare is challenging.
454
00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:53,567
Oh, my God.
But we were roleplaying.
455
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,367
All right, well,
that's it.
456
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,333
I'm gonna leave
you two alone, okay?
457
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,667
But first,
I want to thank you.
458
00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,167
That image will forever
harden my soul
459
00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:03,633
but soften my peepee.
460
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,633
Namaste, you sick, sick man.
461
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:09,433
Find a reason to leave,
thank you, excuse us.
462
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:14,067
(loud banging)
463
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,767
Look, Abbi,
it takes two to Bumble.
464
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:16,867
Yeah.
I'm not your teacher.
465
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:18,633
You're not my student.
Okay.
466
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,167
We're--
467
00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:21,933
(fire alarm ringing)
468
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:23,833
Oh, my Gosh.
Uh, single file!
469
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,133
Single file?
I'm only one person.
470
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,933
Use the buddy system!
471
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:32,933
All right, roll call.
472
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,467
I think it's--
I think we can see
473
00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:36,100
that we're all here,
it's fine.
474
00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,333
All clear.
475
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:39,167
(sighs)
476
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:40,233
Dryer set fire.
477
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,433
It's a Newton Elite.
478
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,633
It's built only to dry
satins, silk,
479
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,133
or gold-infused fabrics.
480
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,833
Looks like you guys are drying
cheap cotton and polyester here.
481
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,100
Fire was inevitable.
482
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:53,100
Thank you, sorry.
483
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,367
(phone vibrates)
484
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,600
Oh, it's Heidi. Okay.
Okay, it's okay.
485
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:58,967
Hey, Heidi.
486
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,533
Yeah, it was
a small dryer fire.
487
00:20:03,633 --> 00:20:04,933
Great!
488
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,233
Enjoy the Hamptons,
and I'll talk to you soon.
489
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:11,033
Um, she didn't even know
there was a laundry room.
490
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,967
Uh, doesn't affect her
in any way.
491
00:20:13,033 --> 00:20:14,233
Wow.
That must be nice.
492
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,367
You wanna head back inside?
493
00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,500
Um... I don't think so.
494
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:22,400
Thanks for coming over.
It was... interesting.
495
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:26,033
Goodbye, Abbi.
'Kay.
496
00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:30,267
Richard, wait.
497
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:36,800
Do you...
498
00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:39,100
jerk off to your students?
499
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,700
All teachers do.
500
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,333
You kinda have to.
501
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:48,633
Hey, Abbi, one more thing.
502
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:53,067
You have to keep reading.
Your brain is a muscle.
503
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,567
If you don't
use it regularly...
504
00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:58,933
it goes away.
505
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,633
What a righteous dude.
506
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,300
* Don't you *
507
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:07,500
* Forget about me **
508
00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:15,600
I get carded
almost all the time.
509
00:21:15,667 --> 00:21:16,900
I'm sure.
Like, almost every time
510
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,333
there's, like, an age limit,
I'm questioned.
511
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,900
I bet--
Because people think
512
00:21:20,967 --> 00:21:22,267
I'm... way younger.
513
00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:25,067
Yeah, definitely
ten years ago, I'm sure.
514
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,433
I mean, for sure.
35082
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