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1
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,700
Ugh! God, it's so ridiculous
that we can't, like,
2
00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,300
control the heat
in our own apartment.
3
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:15,200
It's like, we're old enough
to drink,
4
00:00:15,267 --> 00:00:17,267
we're old enough to chaperone
a high school dance, to vote.
5
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,733
Like that did
fucking anything.
6
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,800
But to control your own
temperature, no.
7
00:00:20,867 --> 00:00:23,567
Some crazy landlord in the sky
gets to do that.
8
00:00:23,633 --> 00:00:25,667
And I was this close to being
able to afford
9
00:00:25,733 --> 00:00:28,367
the Hot Dream Q20-X
space heater.
10
00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:29,867
It's the one that
Drew Barrymore uses.
11
00:00:29,933 --> 00:00:31,933
Do you, like, get her credit
card statements or something?
12
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,533
I think she's got great taste,
and, like, a pixie spirit.
13
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,100
Dude, just let me
buy it for you.
14
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:37,433
I'm a waitress.
15
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,433
I am for real rich,
not (bleep) rich.
16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,233
No, I don't want you
to buy it for me.
17
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,600
I should be able to buy this
stuff for myself.
18
00:00:43,667 --> 00:00:45,833
I mean, it's just hard
right now without a job.
19
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:47,767
I'm a little hard right now.
20
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,667
Okay.
21
00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:56,100
Oh, my God, when were
you gonna tell me?
22
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:59,167
About what?
About this, Abigail.
23
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,633
The most powerful moment
in a woman's life:
24
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,633
Your first gray hair!
No, is it--
25
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,767
Oh, my gosh!
No, no, no!
26
00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:06,700
Yas, rejoice, yas, yas!
No!
27
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,567
I'm not rejoicing,
I'm freaking out!
28
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,067
What happened?
You guys okay?
29
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,567
Dude, aren't you freezing?
30
00:01:11,633 --> 00:01:13,433
No, I was snuggled under
a blanket.
31
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:14,600
What's going on?
32
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,100
Dude, Abi got her
first gray hair.
33
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:17,900
I'm full-on flooding
with envy.
34
00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:19,667
Well, you can have it
if you want it.
35
00:01:19,733 --> 00:01:21,533
God, I wish it were
that simple.
36
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,700
Don't you see?
You're becoming a witch.
37
00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:26,533
A dope and powerful
fucking witch.
38
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:27,967
Like Dame Judi Dench.
39
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,100
And Stacey London from
40
00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:31,067
"What Not to Wear" before you.
41
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,167
You're ascending.
42
00:01:32,233 --> 00:01:33,733
Witches aren't real,
you guys.
43
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,067
(both laughing)
44
00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,200
Uh, okay.
45
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:39,367
Wow.
What do you think this is all--
46
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,600
What do you think is
happening here?
47
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:45,133
You think this is all
just literal stuff?
48
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,500
Dude, if witches aren't real,
then who makes all the kombucha?
49
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,267
And where do scarves
come from? Scarf tree?
50
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,400
There's people that knit
all over the place.
51
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:54,700
You are magical.
52
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:58,733
It's a swirling
chasm of magic.
53
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,167
Okay, I just thought that by
the time I'd have gray hair,
54
00:02:02,233 --> 00:02:03,667
I'd have--
I don't know,
55
00:02:03,733 --> 00:02:06,400
a MacArthur Genius Grant or
at least be posting pictures
56
00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,100
of "akai" bowls
on my Instagram account.
57
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,200
Acai.
Whatever.
58
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:14,400
Well, where am I now?
Nowhere.
59
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,800
I mean, what do I have?
Nothing.
60
00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:17,467
You have a gray hair
on your head.
61
00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:19,067
He's right.
That's something.
62
00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:20,967
First of all, I don't like
what's going on with you two.
63
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,567
But you know what?
I'm gonna take
64
00:02:22,633 --> 00:02:24,933
my life into
my own hands right now.
65
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:28,133
I am gonna buy that
Drew Barrymore space heater
66
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,867
with my money that I make
selling my artwork.
67
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:32,400
Double, double,
toil and trouble,
68
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:34,533
fire burn and cauldron bubble,
bitch!
69
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,733
Oh, my God,
I totally forgot!
70
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,900
I have 250 handmade
Christmas cards
71
00:02:37,967 --> 00:02:40,200
that I was planning on sending
my 250 camp friends.
72
00:02:40,267 --> 00:02:41,600
250 camp friends?
73
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:43,433
But not anymore.
I am selling 'em.
74
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,767
You know what?
75
00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:47,233
I am gonna set up
my table at the Met.
76
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,300
Ooh, yes!
77
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:49,367
(Abbi)
This is perfect.
78
00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:50,467
Can you set up with me?
79
00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:52,433
Uh, totally.
I just have to
80
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,933
meet up with my dad
for pedicures.
81
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:55,633
Oh, I thought that you said
that you were
82
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,233
doing the ice skating
with your mom today.
83
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,867
Whole... family day planned.
84
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,800
I just gotta make sure
that I find the time
85
00:03:01,867 --> 00:03:05,133
for a powerful
genital sneeze, or four.
86
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,367
'Cause I'm a cum kween!
87
00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:09,067
I just have to come
sometimes.
88
00:03:09,133 --> 00:03:11,600
Like today, so fucking much,
so maybe you guys
89
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:14,567
can get the fuck out
so I can jerk off real quick.
90
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:17,367
What?
What?
91
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:19,100
I'm okay.
92
00:03:19,167 --> 00:03:21,267
I'm okay.
93
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:23,167
Am I allowed
to behave that way?
94
00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,933
* Four and three and two
and one one *
95
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:28,933
**
96
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,367
(Ilana shivering)
97
00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:35,567
Knish, k'witch?
98
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,300
Uh, yes, please.
99
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,767
Ooh! So much better.
100
00:03:38,833 --> 00:03:40,500
I think it's warmer out here
than it is in my apartment.
101
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,533
I can finally feel my toes.
102
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,133
Yeah, I love these knishes,
103
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,367
all pressed up on me and that
heat, you feel that steam.
104
00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:49,733
So how much do you have to sell
to get that space heater?
105
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,500
Well, with the BB&B coupon,
it comes to, like, 69 bucks--
106
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,067
Oh, horny number!
107
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,767
Ooh, yowza, love it!
108
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:57,867
All right.
109
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,100
Gotta run to my, uh,
hair appointment.
110
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:00,467
Uh, nice to see you.
111
00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:01,867
I thought you said you were
getting pedicures
112
00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:03,667
and going ice skating
with your parents.
113
00:04:03,733 --> 00:04:07,700
Yes, and-- and then
haircuts with Eliot.
114
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,100
It's kinda like the Wexlers
Take Manhattan.
115
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,600
We actually call it that.
116
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,267
It's cute.
Yeah. Totally.
117
00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,600
Hey, new blood.
118
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,200
Welcome to the steps.
119
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:18,267
I'm Margo.
120
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:19,367
Hey.
121
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,533
Would you like a hit
of some soup?
122
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,067
Wow.
Homemade lentil.
123
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:23,867
Oh, my goddess. You two have
the same thermos.
124
00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:25,700
Oh, wow, that's--
that's neat.
125
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:27,867
Same wheelie cart, too.
126
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:29,467
Soul sisters.
127
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:31,267
What a hot coincidence.
128
00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:33,600
Well, it's actually
the only one where...
129
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:35,233
(both)
... the wheels don't
turn to squares
130
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,567
when you roll over snow salt.
131
00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,200
That was spooky.
132
00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:42,433
Cute cards, Young Abbi.
133
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,100
You're gonna be a hit here.
134
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,300
Thanks.
135
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:47,967
That Margo's a mighty witch.
136
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:50,767
She nearly gave me a clit,
throat and butt-gasm.
137
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,067
Butt-gasm?
I'm a crazy,
sick sex addict,
138
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:56,067
like David Duchovny in that
show, and in real life.
139
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,067
Ilana, you're being
really weird.
140
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,333
Oh, I gotta... run.
141
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,333
My annual family massage
appointment.
142
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,733
Damn, I am so horned up, dude.
143
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,133
Better jerk off before
I get on the subway.
144
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,233
Ew, Ilana, chill.
145
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,200
Later, Ab.
Super wet!
146
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,300
**
147
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:14,667
(sighs)
148
00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,633
You must be Ilana Wexler.
149
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,067
Come in.
Hi. Thanks.
150
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,167
Beautiful apartment.
151
00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:27,833
Is this, um, pre-- pre-war,
or... yeah.
152
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:31,067
Yeah, I've lived here
50 years.
153
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,133
Wow.
154
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,267
There's a lot of history
in these walls.
155
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:36,933
So cozy.
156
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,600
Wow, you can keep
plants alive.
157
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:41,133
You're an adult.
Yeah.
158
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,533
Go on in, don't be shy.
159
00:05:49,233 --> 00:05:50,467
So, Ilana...
160
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,533
Show me your vulva.
161
00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:58,533
So basically,
I've had more sex than, like,
162
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,267
anybody in the entire world.
163
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:04,800
Not just average sex, but,
like, dank '70s porno sex.
164
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,200
I can squirt,
and like, spray.
165
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,400
I leave a cum trail
wherever I go,
166
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,267
kind of like a slutty slug.
167
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:12,567
Uh-huh.
168
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:15,067
I'm just really on the edge of
orgasm at all times.
169
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:18,467
So then what seems to
be your problem today?
170
00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,400
It's not, uh, my problem,
171
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,900
it is my friend
Abbi's problem,
172
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,933
so I'm just here
for her by proxy.
173
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:31,400
She hasn't, uh,
orgasmed in months.
174
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:36,633
And she's too embarrassed to
come, L-O-L, here, to see you.
175
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,467
I just want to help her
be a cum kween
176
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,167
like her best friend, me, is.
177
00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:45,667
So your friend hasn't come in
months and you're here for her.
178
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:47,733
Exactly.
179
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,933
Okay.
180
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:56,433
If that's what you want to do.
181
00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,367
**
182
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,833
How's business, Young Abbi?
Oh, my God.
183
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:09,067
Um, it's going okay.
184
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,133
I've only made five bucks
so far.
185
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,733
Would you like a puff
of my wand?
186
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,167
It's pretty magical.
187
00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:16,767
Uh, sure.
188
00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:18,167
Cool wand.
189
00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:20,533
You seem cold.
190
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,433
You know, most people
don't realize this,
191
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,500
but you lose most
of your body heat
192
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:27,667
from your upper wing area.
193
00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:30,667
Wing area?
Oh, I just--
194
00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:32,233
Oh, wow.
195
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,467
That feels really good,
actually.
196
00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:35,567
Yeah, thank you.
197
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:36,967
All right, well....
198
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,900
Holler if you need
anything else.
199
00:07:38,967 --> 00:07:40,567
It's lunchtime.
200
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:43,067
I guess it is lunchtime.
201
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,833
Hey!
Same Tupperware!
202
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,067
Oh, yeah.
203
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:50,167
Uh, twinsies, I guess.
204
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:55,767
Beautiful, isn't she?
205
00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,733
Straight up gorgeous.
206
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,900
Ilana, I want you to
name your vulva.
207
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:04,100
What about... "Abbi"?
208
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,200
All right, Ilana,
209
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,900
I want you to have a
conversation with Abbi.
210
00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:11,300
Tell Abbi how you've been
feeling lately.
211
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,067
Abbi...
212
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,967
you've been stubborn lately.
213
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:17,600
Like, withholding.
214
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:18,900
You're so full of shit.
215
00:08:18,967 --> 00:08:21,733
You can't even focus enough
to relax.
216
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,233
You're not even
a vulva or a vagina.
217
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,733
You're just a butthole
that happens to bleed.
218
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,867
I fucking hate you, bitch!
Fuck you!
219
00:08:27,933 --> 00:08:31,700
It's okay.
It's just the first layer: rage.
220
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,467
Go deeper. Tell Abbi
what's in your heart.
221
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,367
Abbi, I...
222
00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:39,833
I know it's not you.
223
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,133
It's me.
224
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,067
I increased my dosage
of antidepressants.
225
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,167
And I've also just been more
anxious and depressed,
226
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:50,133
this whole disgusting,
gross year.
227
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,867
And now I have dead pussy.
228
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:54,700
(voice-over)
Dead pussy.
229
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,267
Dead pussy.
230
00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:57,833
(Donald Trump)
Dead pussy.
231
00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,333
It's essentially dead.
232
00:09:04,567 --> 00:09:06,067
Dead pussy.
233
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,533
How about a little hug
for the Donald?
234
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:08,667
It's like a magnet.
235
00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:10,633
Grab 'em by the pussy.
236
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,067
Grab 'em by the pussy.
237
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:16,367
USA! USA! USA!
238
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,400
Grab 'em--
Grab 'em by the pussy.
239
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,067
I won. I won.
240
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,333
Let's go, ladies.
241
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,167
Oh, my God!
242
00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:25,467
Game show president
nutsucker in chief!
243
00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,333
I haven't come
since the election!
244
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,400
And come is a lot of who I am.
245
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,333
I'm a cum kween.
246
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,767
Oh, good.
247
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,900
Let it out, Ilana.
248
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,400
You're not alone.
249
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:40,700
Orgasms have been down 140%
since (bleep) was elected.
250
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:41,933
Ugh!
251
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:43,100
It's been horrible
for everyone.
252
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:44,933
Great for me, though.
253
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,400
I'm technically the only
small business owner
254
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:50,367
that that human skin tag
has ever helped.
255
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:54,300
Betty, can you help me?
256
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:57,333
**
257
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,200
Oh.
258
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:02,867
Oh, um, you have a little--
259
00:10:02,933 --> 00:10:03,900
It's a gray!
260
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,367
Uh, no.
On your nose.
261
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:07,933
Here.
Take a look.
262
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,167
Oh, it's a--
It's a lentil.
263
00:10:11,233 --> 00:10:13,133
It's a lentil from
way... earlier.
264
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,667
I don't know how that
got up there.
265
00:10:14,733 --> 00:10:16,833
It's not a wart.
Huh.
266
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,033
Did you really do
all of these yourself?
267
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,500
Oh, yes, I'm--
I'm the artist.
268
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,367
I went to this small school
called MICA.
269
00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:25,567
Get out.
My daughter goes to MICA.
270
00:10:25,633 --> 00:10:27,633
Sorry, but how old are you?
271
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,900
I'm 51.
What?!
272
00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:32,133
Wait, you're 51.
Fuck you.
273
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,733
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
You're 51 years old?
274
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,833
I get that a lot.
I'm a dermatologist.
275
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,933
An Upper East Side
dermatologist,
276
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,033
if you catch my drift.
277
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,867
Yeah, okay, I see.
278
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,433
But what do you mean
by that?
279
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:47,133
Let's just say I can get my
hands on whatever a girl needs
280
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,167
to stay fresh
and young-looking.
281
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,033
Botox, fillers, bat feces.
282
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,133
Ew, wait.
Fillers?
283
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,833
I tell you what. I'm gonna
take five stacks of these cards.
284
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,200
My clients are gonna
love them.
285
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,933
Wow, okay.
Cool.
286
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,100
Um, that's awesome.
287
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,667
That'll be 50 bucks.
288
00:11:03,733 --> 00:11:05,533
Ugh!
And what a steal.
289
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,067
That's, like, free.
290
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,767
Yeah, it's nothing for me,
either.
291
00:11:09,833 --> 00:11:11,367
That's my business card.
292
00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,900
My office is just around
the corner, you know,
293
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:15,733
if you're ever in the mood
to... freshen up.
294
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,400
Oh.
295
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,600
I'm still in my 20s.
296
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:20,233
I mean, the gray is
super premature,
297
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,067
and the hunchback is just a
scarf to protect my wings.
298
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,267
No pressure.
Okay, thanks.
299
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:29,600
I went to MICA, too!
300
00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:31,233
You could hear all that?
301
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,633
Spooky.
302
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,667
(exhales)
303
00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:38,500
(vibrator buzzing)
304
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,067
Ugh!
305
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:44,067
I think I'm just... broken.
306
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,400
You look perfectly
healthy to me.
307
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:49,233
Then why aren't I coming
yesterday?
308
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,067
Orgasms are a journey.
309
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,400
They start in your mind.
310
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,367
You're traumatized
by the fact
311
00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:57,933
that a sexual-assault
bragging steak salesman
312
00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,567
has become our president.
313
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:03,933
You need to find a way to rise
above it in spite of him.
314
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:05,767
Look inside yourself.
315
00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:08,767
(sighs heavily)
316
00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:11,100
(buzzing)
317
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,933
Ew! Wait! Ugh!
318
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,700
God, I'm never
gonna come again!
319
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:18,233
It's not going to be easy.
320
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,633
Stay in the moment.
321
00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:22,600
Fuck you, (bleep)!
322
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:23,933
I'm going back in.
323
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,900
(buzzing)
324
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:28,800
That's not too bad.
325
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:32,100
Oh, my God.
Abbi?
326
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,500
(slow voice)
Jeremy?
327
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,100
**
328
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,600
(music playing backwards)
329
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,467
I thought that was you.
Hey! Hi!
330
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,467
How's it going, man?
"Man"?
331
00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:50,533
Natalie, this is Abbi,
my old neighbor.
332
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:51,733
"Old"?
333
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:52,867
Hi, Zabby!
334
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,833
Nice to meet you.
Oh, hi.
335
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,500
And this is Milo.
336
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,833
(Jeremy)
Yeah.
337
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,367
He adopted us.
Wow.
338
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:03,200
Congrats.
339
00:13:03,267 --> 00:13:06,200
I mean, and you're married,
that's-- that's awesome.
340
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,833
Oh, no, no, no.
341
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,300
No, no, we're not married.
342
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,867
She's not my property.
343
00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,267
No, yeah.
No, no.
344
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,900
We're best friends.
Soul mates.
345
00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:15,967
Co-parents.
346
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,300
Wow.
347
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,300
Um, yeah, obviously,
you're not married.
348
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,467
This is not what I do
for a living.
349
00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:23,933
This is--
I lost a bet, so that's why.
350
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,733
Nice cards.
351
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,467
Babe, we should get some.
352
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:29,533
"Thank you" cards,
for the Planned
Parenthood fundraiser.
353
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,867
Oh, my God,
that's a great idea.
354
00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:33,467
These are great, Abbi.
Thanks.
355
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,967
Oh, I guess we need 'em all.
356
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,267
How much do you want
for all of these?
357
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,167
Oh, uh...
This-- This--
358
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,667
Like, uh, 80 bucks
would be good?
359
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:43,900
Totally reasonable.
360
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:46,167
And I love helping
struggling artists.
361
00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:49,067
Actually, you know what?
Keep it.
362
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:52,133
No, I don't-- I can't.
A hundred bucks?
363
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,733
Okay, I mean that's--
That's a fair price.
364
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,567
God, it's crazy
running into you.
365
00:13:57,633 --> 00:14:00,067
Stay warm.
Good to see you.
366
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,933
You too, family.
367
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,733
Say bye, Milo!
368
00:14:07,633 --> 00:14:10,533
I should be pounding
that ass tonight.
369
00:14:18,633 --> 00:14:20,767
Hey, Margo, can you watch
my stuff for a sec?
370
00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:22,233
I got money to spend.
371
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,733
Money is a mind control
technique
372
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,500
that quantifies the progress
of the patriarchy!
373
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:28,867
Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.
374
00:14:28,933 --> 00:14:30,633
Okay.
Thanks.
375
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,967
(sighs)
376
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,500
An average-sized dick...
377
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:34,667
Yes.
378
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,433
Electoral college!
379
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,833
Come on.
380
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:41,933
Fat titties.
381
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:43,167
Mike Pence!
382
00:14:43,233 --> 00:14:45,367
Focus, focus...
383
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,333
Hairy taints...
384
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:51,933
Tiny, tiny hands!
385
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:53,167
Push through.
386
00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:54,667
Tap in.
387
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,233
You are powerful.
388
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,067
You are woman.
Yes.
389
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:01,133
You... are... cum kween!
390
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,667
Yes. No!
391
00:15:03,733 --> 00:15:04,800
Yes.
392
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,367
When they go low, we go high.
393
00:15:09,433 --> 00:15:11,533
Women can get stuff done.
394
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,667
(classical music playing)
395
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,067
(Ilana)
He can never, ever take away
our cumming.
396
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:29,167
Yes. Yes.
397
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:32,867
Aah!
398
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,833
Looking good.
Just let that sink in
399
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,467
for a little longer
before we hit the other side.
400
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,767
So, uh, this is what
you use personally
401
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:43,933
to look so young, right?
402
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,633
That and 20 of its cousins.
403
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,867
It's hard to be beautiful
these days.
404
00:15:47,933 --> 00:15:50,733
It is my full-time job,
but for most other women,
405
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,633
it's their second full-time job
where you're losing money.
406
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,400
Anyway, while you're here,
can I do a little peel or--
407
00:15:58,467 --> 00:15:59,567
No, I--
I don't need--
408
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:02,133
Obviously, your chin
is of concern.
409
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,333
I thought I--
I had a--
410
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,167
like, a Reese Witherspoon
chin.
411
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,900
Or, I can make you whiter.
412
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,900
Uh...
413
00:16:09,967 --> 00:16:11,667
You know what?
414
00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:15,067
I think that I'm, um--
I'm okay.
415
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,533
I think I'm good
with just this one.
416
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,633
This feels like a big deal.
417
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,333
But that first side hasn't
settled yet, so...
418
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,100
Yeah. Um...
419
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,133
I'm feeling like I made
a little bit of a mistake.
420
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,767
I found a gray hair and then
I ran into an ex of mine today,
421
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:31,267
and I think I just got, like,
real swept up in that moment.
422
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:35,133
'Cause I actually really like
the way that I look, you know?
423
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,633
I think I'm really hot.
424
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:40,200
Usually. I usually
feel super hot.
425
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,933
But thank you so much.
You've been so kind to me.
426
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,833
Um...
427
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,167
And you know what?
428
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:48,267
I think you're
really beautiful.
429
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,900
And I think that you would be
430
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,067
even if you didn't do any of
this crazy shit to your face.
431
00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:53,667
(laughing)
432
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:57,767
Oh, no.
I laughed.
433
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,733
(sighs)
434
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,667
Hey, drink up.
435
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:10,133
You lost a lot of fluids during
that humongous orgasm.
436
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,200
It's mostly weed, a little
ginger and some cumin.
437
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:14,533
It's really good.
438
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,133
I think I'm gonna cüm again.
439
00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:18,667
(shivering)
440
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,567
(laughing)
Yes!
441
00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,567
The floodgates are
open now.
442
00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:25,467
You've got a lot of orgasming
to do after a year of
443
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,300
(bleep)-related pussy
constipation.
444
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,867
I hate to 'gaz and dash,
445
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:32,900
but I want to go tell Abbi what
"Abbi" accomplished today.
446
00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:36,100
Good.
I can't thank you enough
for helping m--
447
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,433
Oh...
448
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,700
Ooh, it's happening again!
449
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:40,500
Oh!
450
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,867
It's gonna be a big one!
451
00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:44,100
Oh!
452
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:46,800
I'm gonna have to
get these rugs cleaned.
453
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:49,200
**
454
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:52,533
Oh, Abbi?
Ilana?
455
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,067
Oh, my God,
this timing is weird.
456
00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,100
Are you sweating?
What happened to your face?
457
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,767
Well, I ran into Jeremy and
he's, like, married now.
458
00:17:59,833 --> 00:18:01,100
And then there was
this dermatologist
459
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,533
and she looked like
she was in her twenties,
460
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,133
but she was, like,
in her fifties.
Hot.
461
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,433
And then I just felt like
it's cooler to be,
462
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:08,133
like, hot and young
than warm,
463
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,500
but then as the Botox was
being injected into my face,
464
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,367
I was like, it's--
it's cooler to be warm.
465
00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:14,267
Botox?
Abbi, what?
466
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:15,933
Oh, my God,
my table's gone!
467
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,067
(bird squawking)
468
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:20,100
Oh, my God!
469
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,667
Dude.
Dude.
470
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:26,700
"Dear Young Abbi,
471
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,867
"at the start of the winter
solstice tonight,
472
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,933
"come into the thicket
of the park.
473
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:32,700
You'll know when
you've arrived."
474
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:36,800
Oh, God, that is witchy!
475
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,500
(exhales)
Are you all right?
476
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:39,900
I'm phenomenal.
477
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,400
So my pussy hadn't popped
since the election.
478
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,633
What?
But Betty coached me
through it.
479
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:50,400
She tapped me into this
ferocious female current
480
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:54,600
that is just constantly
zip-zap-zoppin'
481
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,967
around the universe
like the speed of light,
482
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,267
and I bazinga'd.
483
00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:03,100
Hard.
Oh, my gosh.
484
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,367
It was just the most
incredible thing.
485
00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:07,367
I saw shit, man.
486
00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:09,267
Witches who run the world.
487
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,833
And witches aren't monsters,
they're just women.
Yes.
488
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:15,167
They're fucking women
who cum and giggle
489
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:16,633
and play in the night.
490
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,333
And that's why everybody wants
to set 'em on fire,
491
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,833
'cause they're so
fucking jealous.
492
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,167
Dude, I don't know why
I ever doubted you.
493
00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:23,067
I'm in.
494
00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:25,067
(bird squawking)
495
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,933
(women laughing and howling
in distance)
496
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:32,167
Do you...
do you hear that?
497
00:19:32,233 --> 00:19:33,867
I think it's this way.
498
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:36,200
I've never seen this part
of the park before.
499
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:41,200
(laughing continues)
500
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,733
What the frig?
(laughing)
501
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:47,233
This is, like, "The Crucible"
and "The Witches of Eastwick,"
502
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,700
and Hillary Clinton getting
caught in the woods!
503
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,067
(Betty)
Ah.
504
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,333
Cum kween.
505
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,500
(Ilana)
Betty!
506
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,700
(Margot)
Young Abbi!
507
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,233
You found us!
508
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:00,500
Ilana...
509
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,500
Maybe we really are witches.
510
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,700
Of course we are.
511
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,533
We're gigantic,
humongous witches.
512
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,767
Join us.
Oh, my God.
513
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:09,667
Margo, you are just...
514
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:11,100
Uh, you know what?
515
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,567
I gotta go see about a girl.
516
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,667
Please.
517
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:23,267
(laughing and shouting)
518
00:20:29,867 --> 00:20:31,933
Hey.
519
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,667
Hey, Ilana.
520
00:20:40,733 --> 00:20:43,433
It's period blood!
521
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,567
(women howling)
522
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,800
(howling and shouting
continues)
523
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:59,100
(Ilana)
I'm gonna cum!
524
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:04,733
Thank you so much for
buying me the heater.
Of course, dude.
525
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,600
Witches have to have
each other's backs.
526
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:10,067
What are you gonna do
now that you know you
have magical powers?
527
00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:13,833
Well, I think I'm gonna
whip up a spell to get a job.
528
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:15,200
Good call.
529
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:18,533
It is so bananas
that you got Botox.
530
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,333
Yeah, it is.
531
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,267
But to be for real,
I'm like,
532
00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:25,600
I would get it if I wanted it
at some point in my life.
533
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:27,133
Exactly.
I also heard about
534
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,833
this thing where you
can freeze your butt.
535
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,367
They do that?
536
00:21:30,433 --> 00:21:33,567
Apparently, it makes it really
hard and shiny and grippable.
537
00:21:33,633 --> 00:21:35,833
Like a bowling ball, baby, yas.
538
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,100
So what are you doing
back there?
539
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:39,267
'Cause it's just, like,
the one gray, right?
540
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,700
Oh, yeah, just the one.
(nervous chuckle)
541
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,533
(whispering)
Thousand.
542
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,367
Cool.
543
00:21:53,567 --> 00:21:55,967
**
37238
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