Original subtitles

Ugh! God, it's so ridiculous that we can't, like,

control the heat in our own apartment.

It's like, we're old enough to drink,

we're old enough to chaperone a high school dance, to vote.

Like that did fucking anything.

But to control your own temperature, no.

Some crazy landlord in the sky gets to do that.

And I was this close to being able to afford

the Hot Dream Q20-X space heater.

It's the one that Drew Barrymore uses.

Do you, like, get her credit card statements or something?

I think she's got great taste, and, like, a pixie spirit.

Dude, just let me buy it for you.

I'm a waitress.

I am for real rich, not (bleep) rich.

No, I don't want you to buy it for me.

I should be able to buy this stuff for myself.

I mean, it's just hard right now without a job.

I'm a little hard right now.

Okay.

Oh, my God, when were you gonna tell me?

About what? About this, Abigail.

The most powerful moment in a woman's life:

Your first gray hair! No, is it--

Oh, my gosh! No, no, no!

Yas, rejoice, yas, yas! No!

I'm not rejoicing, I'm freaking out!

What happened? You guys okay?

Dude, aren't you freezing?

No, I was snuggled under a blanket.

What's going on?

Dude, Abi got her first gray hair.

I'm full-on flooding with envy.

Well, you can have it if you want it.

God, I wish it were that simple.

Don't you see? You're becoming a witch.

A dope and powerful fucking witch.

Like Dame Judi Dench.

And Stacey London from

"What Not to Wear" before you.

You're ascending.

Witches aren't real, you guys.

(both laughing)

Uh, okay.

Wow. What do you think this is all--

What do you think is happening here?

You think this is all just literal stuff?

Dude, if witches aren't real, then who makes all the kombucha?

And where do scarves come from? Scarf tree?

There's people that knit all over the place.

You are magical.

It's a swirling chasm of magic.

Okay, I just thought that by the time I'd have gray hair,

I'd have-- I don't know,

a MacArthur Genius Grant or at least be posting pictures

of "akai" bowls on my Instagram account.

Acai. Whatever.

Well, where am I now? Nowhere.

I mean, what do I have? Nothing.

You have a gray hair on your head.

He's right. That's something.

First of all, I don't like what's going on with you two.

But you know what? I'm gonna take

my life into my own hands right now.

I am gonna buy that Drew Barrymore space heater

with my money that I make selling my artwork.

Double, double, toil and trouble,

fire burn and cauldron bubble, bitch!

Oh, my God, I totally forgot!

I have 250 handmade Christmas cards

that I was planning on sending my 250 camp friends.

250 camp friends?

But not anymore. I am selling 'em.

You know what?

I am gonna set up my table at the Met.

Ooh, yes!

(Abbi) This is perfect.

Can you set up with me?

Uh, totally. I just have to

meet up with my dad for pedicures.

Oh, I thought that you said that you were

doing the ice skating with your mom today.

Whole... family day planned.

I just gotta make sure that I find the time

for a powerful genital sneeze, or four.

'Cause I'm a cum kween!

I just have to come sometimes.

Like today, so fucking much, so maybe you guys

can get the fuck out so I can jerk off real quick.

What? What?

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Am I allowed to behave that way?

* Four and three and two and one one *

**

(Ilana shivering)

Knish, k'witch?

Uh, yes, please.

Ooh! So much better.

I think it's warmer out here than it is in my apartment.

I can finally feel my toes.

Yeah, I love these knishes,

all pressed up on me and that heat, you feel that steam.

So how much do you have to sell to get that space heater?

Well, with the BB&B coupon, it comes to, like, 69 bucks--

Oh, horny number!

Ooh, yowza, love it!

All right.

Gotta run to my, uh, hair appointment.

Uh, nice to see you.

I thought you said you were getting pedicures

and going ice skating with your parents.

Yes, and-- and then haircuts with Eliot.

It's kinda like the Wexlers Take Manhattan.

We actually call it that.

It's cute. Yeah. Totally.

Hey, new blood.

Welcome to the steps.

I'm Margo.

Hey.

Would you like a hit of some soup?

Wow. Homemade lentil.

Oh, my goddess. You two have the same thermos.

Oh, wow, that's-- that's neat.

Same wheelie cart, too.

Soul sisters.

What a hot coincidence.

Well, it's actually the only one where...

(both) ... the wheels don't turn to squares

when you roll over snow salt.

That was spooky.

Cute cards, Young Abbi.

You're gonna be a hit here.

Thanks.

That Margo's a mighty witch.

She nearly gave me a clit, throat and butt-gasm.

Butt-gasm? I'm a crazy, sick sex addict,

like David Duchovny in that show, and in real life.

Ilana, you're being really weird.

Oh, I gotta... run.

My annual family massage appointment.

Damn, I am so horned up, dude.

Better jerk off before I get on the subway.

Ew, Ilana, chill.

Later, Ab. Super wet!

**

(sighs)

You must be Ilana Wexler.

Come in. Hi. Thanks.

Beautiful apartment.

Is this, um, pre-- pre-war, or... yeah.

Yeah, I've lived here 50 years.

Wow.

There's a lot of history in these walls.

So cozy.

Wow, you can keep plants alive.

You're an adult. Yeah.

Go on in, don't be shy.

So, Ilana...

Show me your vulva.

So basically, I've had more sex than, like,

anybody in the entire world.

Not just average sex, but, like, dank '70s porno sex.

I can squirt, and like, spray.

I leave a cum trail wherever I go,

kind of like a slutty slug.

Uh-huh.

I'm just really on the edge of orgasm at all times.

So then what seems to be your problem today?

It's not, uh, my problem,

it is my friend Abbi's problem,

so I'm just here for her by proxy.

She hasn't, uh, orgasmed in months.

And she's too embarrassed to come, L-O-L, here, to see you.

I just want to help her be a cum kween

like her best friend, me, is.

So your friend hasn't come in months and you're here for her.

Exactly.

Okay.

If that's what you want to do.

**

How's business, Young Abbi? Oh, my God.

Um, it's going okay.

I've only made five bucks so far.

Would you like a puff of my wand?

It's pretty magical.

Uh, sure.

Cool wand.

You seem cold.

You know, most people don't realize this,

but you lose most of your body heat

from your upper wing area.

Wing area? Oh, I just--

Oh, wow.

That feels really good, actually.

Yeah, thank you.

All right, well....

Holler if you need anything else.

It's lunchtime.

I guess it is lunchtime.

Hey! Same Tupperware!

Oh, yeah.

Uh, twinsies, I guess.

Beautiful, isn't she?

Straight up gorgeous.

Ilana, I want you to name your vulva.

What about... "Abbi"?

All right, Ilana,

I want you to have a conversation with Abbi.

Tell Abbi how you've been feeling lately.

Abbi...

you've been stubborn lately.

Like, withholding.

You're so full of shit.

You can't even focus enough to relax.

You're not even a vulva or a vagina.

You're just a butthole that happens to bleed.

I fucking hate you, bitch! Fuck you!

It's okay. It's just the first layer: rage.

Go deeper. Tell Abbi what's in your heart.

Abbi, I...

I know it's not you.

It's me.

I increased my dosage of antidepressants.

And I've also just been more anxious and depressed,

this whole disgusting, gross year.

And now I have dead pussy.

(voice-over) Dead pussy.

Dead pussy.

(Donald Trump) Dead pussy.

It's essentially dead.

Dead pussy.

How about a little hug for the Donald?

It's like a magnet.

Grab 'em by the pussy.

Grab 'em by the pussy.

USA! USA! USA!

Grab 'em-- Grab 'em by the pussy.

I won. I won.

Let's go, ladies.

Oh, my God!

Game show president nutsucker in chief!

I haven't come since the election!

And come is a lot of who I am.

I'm a cum kween.

Oh, good.

Let it out, Ilana.

You're not alone.

Orgasms have been down 140% since (bleep) was elected.

Ugh!

It's been horrible for everyone.

Great for me, though.

I'm technically the only small business owner

that that human skin tag has ever helped.

Betty, can you help me?

**

Oh.

Oh, um, you have a little--

It's a gray!

Uh, no. On your nose.

Here. Take a look.

Oh, it's a-- It's a lentil.

It's a lentil from way... earlier.

I don't know how that got up there.

It's not a wart. Huh.

Did you really do all of these yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm-- I'm the artist.

I went to this small school called MICA.

Get out. My daughter goes to MICA.

Sorry, but how old are you?

I'm 51. What?!

Wait, you're 51. Fuck you.

Sorry, I'm so sorry. You're 51 years old?

I get that a lot. I'm a dermatologist.

An Upper East Side dermatologist,

if you catch my drift.

Yeah, okay, I see.

But what do you mean by that?

Let's just say I can get my hands on whatever a girl needs

to stay fresh and young-looking.

Botox, fillers, bat feces.

Ew, wait. Fillers?

I tell you what. I'm gonna take five stacks of these cards.

My clients are gonna love them.

Wow, okay. Cool.

Um, that's awesome.

That'll be 50 bucks.

Ugh! And what a steal.

That's, like, free.

Yeah, it's nothing for me, either.

That's my business card.

My office is just around the corner, you know,

if you're ever in the mood to... freshen up.

Oh.

I'm still in my 20s.

I mean, the gray is super premature,

and the hunchback is just a scarf to protect my wings.

No pressure. Okay, thanks.

I went to MICA, too!

You could hear all that?

Spooky.

(exhales)

(vibrator buzzing)

Ugh!

I think I'm just... broken.

You look perfectly healthy to me.

Then why aren't I coming yesterday?

Orgasms are a journey.

They start in your mind.

You're traumatized by the fact

that a sexual-assault bragging steak salesman

has become our president.

You need to find a way to rise above it in spite of him.

Look inside yourself.

(sighs heavily)

(buzzing)

Ew! Wait! Ugh!

God, I'm never gonna come again!

It's not going to be easy.

Stay in the moment.

Fuck you, (bleep)!

I'm going back in.

(buzzing)

That's not too bad.

Oh, my God. Abbi?

(slow voice) Jeremy?

**

(music playing backwards)

I thought that was you. Hey! Hi!

How's it going, man? "Man"?

Natalie, this is Abbi, my old neighbor.

"Old"?

Hi, Zabby!

Nice to meet you. Oh, hi.

And this is Milo.

(Jeremy) Yeah.

He adopted us. Wow.

Congrats.

I mean, and you're married, that's-- that's awesome.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, we're not married.

She's not my property.

No, yeah. No, no.

We're best friends. Soul mates.

Co-parents.

Wow.

Um, yeah, obviously, you're not married.

This is not what I do for a living.

This is-- I lost a bet, so that's why.

Nice cards.

Babe, we should get some.

"Thank you" cards, for the Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

Oh, my God, that's a great idea.

These are great, Abbi. Thanks.

Oh, I guess we need 'em all.

How much do you want for all of these?

Oh, uh... This-- This--

Like, uh, 80 bucks would be good?

Totally reasonable.

And I love helping struggling artists.

Actually, you know what? Keep it.

No, I don't-- I can't. A hundred bucks?

Okay, I mean that's-- That's a fair price.

God, it's crazy running into you.

Stay warm. Good to see you.

You too, family.

Say bye, Milo!

I should be pounding that ass tonight.

Hey, Margo, can you watch my stuff for a sec?

I got money to spend.

Money is a mind control technique

that quantifies the progress of the patriarchy!

Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.

Okay. Thanks.

(sighs)

An average-sized dick...

Yes.

Electoral college!

Come on.

Fat titties.

Mike Pence!

Focus, focus...

Hairy taints...

Tiny, tiny hands!

Push through.

Tap in.

You are powerful.

You are woman. Yes.

You... are... cum kween!

Yes. No!

Yes.

When they go low, we go high.

Women can get stuff done.

(classical music playing)

(Ilana) He can never, ever take away our cumming.

Yes. Yes.

Aah!

Looking good. Just let that sink in

for a little longer before we hit the other side.

So, uh, this is what you use personally

to look so young, right?

That and 20 of its cousins.

It's hard to be beautiful these days.

It is my full-time job, but for most other women,

it's their second full-time job where you're losing money.

Anyway, while you're here, can I do a little peel or--

No, I-- I don't need--

Obviously, your chin is of concern.

I thought I-- I had a--

like, a Reese Witherspoon chin.

Or, I can make you whiter.

Uh...

You know what?

I think that I'm, um-- I'm okay.

I think I'm good with just this one.

This feels like a big deal.

But that first side hasn't settled yet, so...

Yeah. Um...

I'm feeling like I made a little bit of a mistake.

I found a gray hair and then I ran into an ex of mine today,

and I think I just got, like, real swept up in that moment.

'Cause I actually really like the way that I look, you know?

I think I'm really hot.

Usually. I usually feel super hot.

But thank you so much. You've been so kind to me.

Um...

And you know what?

I think you're really beautiful.

And I think that you would be

even if you didn't do any of this crazy shit to your face.

(laughing)

Oh, no. I laughed.

(sighs)

Hey, drink up.

You lost a lot of fluids during that humongous orgasm.

It's mostly weed, a little ginger and some cumin.

It's really good.

I think I'm gonna cüm again.

(shivering)

(laughing) Yes!

The floodgates are open now.

You've got a lot of orgasming to do after a year of

(bleep)-related pussy constipation.

I hate to 'gaz and dash,

but I want to go tell Abbi what "Abbi" accomplished today.

Good. I can't thank you enough for helping m--

Oh...

Ooh, it's happening again!

Oh!

It's gonna be a big one!

Oh!

I'm gonna have to get these rugs cleaned.

**

Oh, Abbi? Ilana?

Oh, my God, this timing is weird.

Are you sweating? What happened to your face?

Well, I ran into Jeremy and he's, like, married now.

And then there was this dermatologist

and she looked like she was in her twenties,

but she was, like, in her fifties. Hot.

And then I just felt like it's cooler to be,

like, hot and young than warm,

but then as the Botox was being injected into my face,

I was like, it's-- it's cooler to be warm.

Botox? Abbi, what?

Oh, my God, my table's gone!

(bird squawking)

Oh, my God!

Dude. Dude.

"Dear Young Abbi,

"at the start of the winter solstice tonight,

"come into the thicket of the park.

You'll know when you've arrived."

Oh, God, that is witchy!

(exhales) Are you all right?

I'm phenomenal.

So my pussy hadn't popped since the election.

What? But Betty coached me through it.

She tapped me into this ferocious female current

that is just constantly zip-zap-zoppin'

around the universe like the speed of light,

and I bazinga'd.

Hard. Oh, my gosh.

It was just the most incredible thing.

I saw shit, man.

Witches who run the world.

And witches aren't monsters, they're just women. Yes.

They're fucking women who cum and giggle

and play in the night.

And that's why everybody wants to set 'em on fire,

'cause they're so fucking jealous.

Dude, I don't know why I ever doubted you.

I'm in.

(bird squawking)

(women laughing and howling in distance)

Do you... do you hear that?

I think it's this way.

I've never seen this part of the park before.

(laughing continues)

What the frig? (laughing)

This is, like, "The Crucible" and "The Witches of Eastwick,"

and Hillary Clinton getting caught in the woods!

(Betty) Ah.

Cum kween.

(Ilana) Betty!

(Margot) Young Abbi!

You found us!

Ilana...

Maybe we really are witches.

Of course we are.

We're gigantic, humongous witches.

Join us. Oh, my God.

Margo, you are just...

Uh, you know what?

I gotta go see about a girl.

Please.

(laughing and shouting)

Hey.

Hey, Ilana.

It's period blood!

(women howling)

(howling and shouting continues)

(Ilana) I'm gonna cum!

Thank you so much for buying me the heater. Of course, dude.

Witches have to have each other's backs.

What are you gonna do now that you know you have magical powers?

Well, I think I'm gonna whip up a spell to get a job.

Good call.

It is so bananas that you got Botox.

Yeah, it is.

But to be for real, I'm like,

I would get it if I wanted it at some point in my life.

Exactly. I also heard about

this thing where you can freeze your butt.

They do that?

Apparently, it makes it really hard and shiny and grippable.

Like a bowling ball, baby, yas.

So what are you doing back there?

'Cause it's just, like, the one gray, right?

Oh, yeah, just the one. (nervous chuckle)

(whispering) Thousand.

Cool.

**