Original subtitles

("Fuerza" by Tony Quattro playing)

(grunts)

(crashes to floor)

You don't have to take that down.

She'll think it's, like, a kooky necklace holder or something.

She'll never think it's a dildo.

Oof, that hurts my heart.

Yeah.

(sniffs)

I feel like she's gonna know that you made it.

Why?

Just 'cause I don't call my mom

"Abbi's Mom."

(loud sigh)

* Four and three and two and one-one *

**

And then we're gonna do frozen hot chocolate.

Cool. And then after that,

we're going to visit Santa at Macy's...

Totally. And then top it all off

with a fancy dinner at Sushi Mambeaux!

That's a lot of stuff.

I like to keep it light and fun with my mom.

I mean, she's kind of conservative.

So, I appreciate you cutting the cheese.

(laughing)

Cut the cheese, shit!

I haven't said that since, like, 1997.

(click, shimmering sound)

Oh! Whoa! Yes, oh, my God!

Thank God, I'm so sorry about that.

Whoo! Okay.

Back, baby, I'm back!

(laughs)

Yeah, but cut the cheese is excellent.

Thank science for SAD lamps.

Why don't they just call them happy lamps

'cause, like, sad lamps

sounds so...

sad.

Oh, it's not, like, "sad".

It stands for "Seasonal Affective Disorder,"

which indicates the annual cycle of depression

that I and others like me experience

every winter, all winter.

(chuckling) And fall.

And, like, uh...

the end of summer too.

It's that sadness.

You know, that chews us up and spits us out

into the black abyss. Okay...

(shimmering sound) Okay, here we go.

Okay. Oh, wow!

There we go. (laughing)

Up and down... Yeah.

Juicing up, uh, unh, ah!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, yeah.

Whoo! You know, Ilana,

maybe you just increase your medication?

No, no, no, I don't need to do that.

'Cause I have been steadily decreasing my dosage

of antidepressants for two years.

And I'm supplementing anyway with my SAD lamp, happy lamp!

(laughing)

Remember that?!

And it is working like a charm.

Yeah, seems like it's working.

Well...

(singing cheerily)

She'll be okay.

**

(knock on door)

Okay... (clears throat)

Yay! Yay!

Mom! Abbi!

My little garbage pail girl!

Okay, it was just a phase.

(laughing)

For a couple years.

Oh, gosh, everything looks so clean.

Yeah.

(Abbi) It's basically just some glue, toothpicks.

And I just did little designs 'cause I wanted you

to see what kinds of cheeses that it was.

It's not a big deal. It's a very big deal.

You are so creative.

I'm so proud of you, living as an artist

in your perfect apartment in the big city.

So, what are we gonna do today?

Well, you know, I would love to take you to my studio space.

Uh, but I'm actually renting it out, so...

...phie is the name of the artist

that I'm renting it to, Sophie.

She is just, like, she's super funky.

Abbi, we need to be honest with each other.

Yeah, you know what, she's not, she's not that funky.

She's, like, a pretty mainstream artist. Abbi, stop.

I meant me. I need to be honest with you.

Okay.

I had a lump in my breast.

A big one.

Mom, what? No, but it's benign.

If I had cancer, I would let you know.

But I didn't wanna worry you.

Um... okay, I mean, I guess I understand that.

This is so upsetting, like, you had to go through all this. No, it's not upsetting.

It's good because it made me realize

all the things I still wanna do.

I've never, um, had a martini.

I never went to a play at night.

Matinees. I've never had

a pineapple barbecue pizza thing from Hawaii.

I've never gone without underwear.

I wanna wear clothes meant for black women.

That's an interesting one.

And I would really love to have one, like,

naughty girls' night out with you.

Could we do that?

Yeah.

(Bevers) Did you call me?!

Bevers! No! What?

Oh, shh, uh...

Bevers, Jesus! Okay, wow.

Sorry, I thought you called me.

When do I ever call you?

Anyway... who's this lovely creature?

Well, I'm Joanne.

Joanne? I'm Matthew.

Or Abbi's mom is how you should introduce yourself.

Uh, ugh--

Okay, Bevers, just if you could put clothes on

or stay in your room.

Joanne, until next time.

Oh, well... Okay.

(chuckling)

Yes, until next time.

Your scarf.

Thanks.

(Joanne) Cute. Mom?

Furry little bear.

(horn honks)

Bonjour! Listen up, hunties.

It's that time of year.

Spring cleaning.

Come on, Marcel, please!

What do you mean, spring cleaning?

Well, I know we normally pool out tips.

But tonight, it's winner takes all.

As in she who makes the most tips

gets all the damn tips.

And whoever makes the least amount of tips,

your ass will be fired. (gasps)

I owe so much money to so many bad people.

I'll need two weeks because I have to relocate.

You are all enemies now.

That's all.

**

Have you guys ever fallen asleep here and just spent the night?

If you ever have to,

it's surprisingly not soul crushing.

(Abbi) You know what would be really nuts?

I was thinking maybe we could split an app

or, like, get a charcuterie plate.

But I don't think we need to do anything too... crazy.

The dress.

(switch clicks, shimmering sound) Oh!

Whoo!

Unh!

Okay.

Mwah.

**

Bada boom, Marcel. (sniffing)

Smells like a winning kind of night, baby!

I'm glad you think so, tiny tits. (laughs)

Oh, and here is my best friend and her mother.

They are my lucky charms this evening.

Well, keep 'em close. You're gonna need 'em.

Hmm.

There's my favorite ass.

Joanne? Oh.

Look at you, Joanne.

Oh, my goodness. Hey, pretty girl.

Wow, Mama, you look so hot.

Your body is amazing, dude!

Really? You are an AMILF,

Abbi's mom, I'd like to--

Friend! Oh.

Friend!

Yeah, friends. Friends.

We're just friends. Yeah.

Well, let me take you to your table before I, uh,

do something really weird.

(Abbi) Better get to the table.

("Dans La Radio" by Jacques playing)

It has a subtle balance of foie gras and seaweed.

That's it. Okay.

Any questions? Um, oh.

Joanne? What is good to drink here?

Oh, um, there's, uh, an espresso matcha tea,

if you wanna get a little buzzy.

What is that?

Oh, this is, uh, the Mambeaux-Tini.

It's our signature cocktail.

It has alcohol in it.

Mom, do you wanna get those?

Okay.

Oh, my God!

(singsong) Bad girls! Yeow!

Let's do shots.

I have never done that.

(Ilana laughs)

(Abbi) Um...

Okay, yeah, let's do shots, I guess.

* Talkin' 'bout them bad, bad, girls whoo *

These are our infamous sake-rosé shots.

I'll be back in a little bit.

(clears throat) Well, you know,

I don't think I've had

hard liquor s...

Well, since I got pregnant with you.

Wow.

Okay, well, let's do it, right?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Did you finish it?

Why do people do this?

I don't think anyone knows.

It's a mystery.

Let's do another one.

Uh, okay.

Our signature sushi fondue.

And for the blonde pixie spirit, a pork belly hand roll to start.

Ooh. Ooh.

Well, uh, you all look like you have money to burn

and machismo to measure.

So, let me let you know about our award-winning caviar.

Let's just say they eat Sushi Mambeaux caviar in Michelin!

(laughing)

(exhales)

Fuck.

(Ilana) All winter... (chuckling)

And fall. The end of summer too.

(voice echoing) You know, I never tried it,

the caviar, obviously.

We're only allowed to eat family-style meals around here.

You know, move.

It's, like, uh, pigs eating slop out of a trough

at a country fair.

(scoffs, plate sliding)

Being measured for our weight in bacon.

Hm.

Oh, God.

Please work, please work.

(click, shimmering sound) Please work.

Please work.

Please work, please work, please-- (knock on door)

(Abbi) Ilana? Abigail?

Jesus.

Dude, is this as bright as it was before?

I'm not feeling it!

Uh, it's pretty fucking bright.

It's just not doing it for me, man.

I can't get the juice.

What about...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, keep 'er coming.

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

Jeez!

Oh, that's good.

Ass of an angel.

Mind of mental health MacGyver!

Thank you! Oh!

That was incredible, I'm good.

Awesome, great. What's up? You wanna get weird?

Okay, no, listen, my mom, like, apparently had a lump

in her breast, and she didn't tell me about it.

It's fine now, it's fine.

But, like, it really scared the shit out of me.

And so tonight she wants to have, like,

a fun night, like, a really fun night.

She wants more than that. The blue dress?

Talk about lumps, girl.

I know, I didn't ever think my mom was hot?!

I did.

Cool.

I know, I have a timeless classic for you.

Y'amagine?

**

You really know your way around that stuff, huh?

Not really.

(laughing)

Okay, I smoke, like, sometimes.

All right, I smoke... I smoke a lot.

(laughing)

Okay, are you ready? Okay.

I'm gonna light it, and you're gonna take a gasp

like Dad asked you to get back together.

(coughing) Not I think about that at night.

(coughing) Okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

(laughing)

Whoa.

Whoa.

My head feels like a balloon.

Like one of those allergy commercials.

(sniffs)

Mom, you're high. (laughing)

You know who else I think smokes a lot of this?

Who?

Charlie Rose.

Oh, my God.

That voice and the way he shoots the show

like he's in a black hole.

Yeah, there's no walls.

Right. It's just table.

God, I would not wanna fuck him.

(laughing)

Dude, I don't think I've ever heard

you say fuck like that before.

Well, there it is.

(laughing)

It's so funny for you to call me a dude.

Well, not, like, a dude.

Just, like, dude.

Like, anyone can be a dude.

It's just like a friend thing.

Aww... Well, then, cool... dude.

Cool.

You're getting good.

I feel like that's good. I feel like it's good to start.

I'll just do one more on our way back in. Okay.

(shimmering sound) Juicing, juicing, juicing.

(exhaling)

* Work *

**

* Work your shit out... *

(cash register dings)

* One, two, three *

(all) Mambeaux-Tini!

* Work your shit out... *

Ooh.

* Oh, girl *

* Better work, work, work, work * (cash register dinging)

* Work your shit *

(echoing) * Out... **

(exhales)

(voice echoing) Let me tell you something.

Life is trash.

(long sigh)

(silverware clanking)

**

Move! Go!

Out of my way!

Ugh!

(crunching)

It just tastes better.

Like, stuff just tastes better, right?

I'm pot.

(snorts, laughs)

(suppressed laughter)

Oh, my God.

Abbi...

Oh, jeez.

What?

I just wanna ask you a question.

Okay.

How many men have you slept with?

Whoa, okay, um...

I don't know if I wanna, like...

It's just, like, a lot to-- No, no, I'm just curious.

I don't-- have no idea what people do these days.

Fuck, okay.

We're being honest.

I'm just gonna... gonna do it.

We're gonna go there and we're gonna do it right now.

32.

Jesus (bleep) Christ.

Wow.

Wow, I have had three.

I've slept with three.

My whole life, 55 years.

Paul Kafferty, my first boyfriend

who I think was gay anyway.

Your father.

And now Neil. Okay.

My "husband," Neil.

You are married.

Well, we haven't made love in over a month.

And if we're being honest, it's more like making like.

And...

I just wish I would've fucked up a little more.

I wish I would've fucked a little more.

Oh.

You know, I never had sex with...

with a man who didn't speak English.

Not even an ESL guy.

You know, I've never even had anal sex.

I mean, not even a finger.

I mean, it's not really something you can ask for.

Well, you just have to actually just ask for it.

(quiet sobbing) Oh, Mom, it's okay.

Abbi, it's not ok-- I understand.

No, it's fine, it's okay.

Last week, I penetrated myself with a bottle of cough syrup.

Okay.

Get out of the way!

(shimmering sound)

(loud moaning)

Come on, uh!

Ilana, it's me. Um...

Dude, your tinfoil is broke!

Okay, uh, dude, my mom just told me she's, like,

really sexually frustrated and that she fucked

a bottle of cough syrup last week.

(voice echoing) I'm, like, I don't know

if I can, like, handle this level of honesty.

I'm, like, is this what being an adult is

'cause this is terrifying.

Wait, are you, are you okay? That is really, really...

Really, really sad. Are you all right? Okay.

That is so sad.

Okay, dude, dude, dude, what do you need from me?

Okay, what do you need?

Bulbs. Bulbs?

Top shelf. Okay.

Oh, that is some pathetic shit.

Okay, found 'em, dude.

Okay, give me ten... thousand watts.

Okay, I got it! Hang on, dude, here we go!

(grunts) Okay.

(click, light powering up)

(shimmering sound) Ahh!

Oh! Okay, here we go.

O-M-G!

Serotonin rising.

Dopamine flowing! Yes! Oh!

It's working, dude, it's working.

Oh, that's so good.

Oh!

Mm. It's working.

God, that's f--

Fuck!

(patrons groaning) (Ilana) It's all good,

just be right back on.

(Joanne screams) Whoo! 32!

My daughter fucked 32 guys.

Oh, my God. Oh, God, no, please, no.

I'm pot!

(shouting over each other)

(screaming)

(patrons gasping)

Oh.

I'm in so much trouble.

Look, I don't know what kind of Strong Island honkies

you brought up in here, Other Tonya,

but this is not Billy Joel's go-to Dave and Buster's, okay?

I'm, I'm sorry, Marcel.

I wasn't on top of it, and I just... don't care.

I'm feeling really depressed from the winter,

and I'm just... numb.

Do what you gotta do.

I honestly don't give a shit.

You should fire me.

Oh, okay, you play--

You playin' me right now, ain't you?

Marcel, seriously. Take my tips.

Do whatever you gotta do. Oh, please, man,

you are a-- you are a career hustler.

Whatever it is you're doing is working on me.

You know what? I want you to pick fuck me.

Get in there. Go on!

Wait a minute? Are you for real?

Mm-hmm.

Fuck it, I'll fire Owen.

Owen's a terrible waiter.

I don't care about-- He's rich, his family's rich.

He'll be fine.

But this depression shit.

That's, that's next level bitchy.

I'm kind of digging it.

My dick is a little bit hard.

I hope you never get better.

Thanks.

Drama in the alley.

Mom! Mom! Oh, my God, Mom, stop it!

What, Abbi, go!

Are you kidding me right now! Stop it!

Oh! This slut! Again?

Ha! He called me a slut! Yes!

I need to go back to med school.

(sniffs)

And rehab.

Owen! Owen! Owen, you're fired!

Marcel!

I blew you, dude!

And?

Fuck this! I'm out.

I kissed a bisexual man with tongue.

(Abbi) Okay, that's great. You're so good, Joanne.

Sushi Mambeaux.

Always celebrating cultural, fluid exchanges.

(laughing)

Dad? Ooh!

(scoffs)

Ex-squeeze me?

My mother is Aisha Johnson.

So that--

Yes, you are my fah... Uh-huh.

Well...

your ass is fired too.

I don't work with family.

(laughing)

Your ass is fired too!

Dude, you know what? You were right.

I should just up my medication in the winter.

You know, I was trying to decrease for the pure and strong

or something, but that's shame and stigma right there.

So, I get sick sometimes and need medicine, who cares?

That's awesome, dude.

(Joanne) I found one.

(Abbi) Ooh, that's pretty.

That is a good one. It's a good one.

(vibrating) Whoa. Holy sh...

So, I just wanted to offer you this Mom Pak.

It's really popular among your demographic.

She doesn't need a Mom Pak.

She's a city girl now.

Oh.

Whatever.

But thank you.

Whoa.

You know what this slut would love?

Okay, let's-- stop calling her that.

She loves it. I do.

Okay.

Dat.

(Ilana clicking cheek) (Abbi) Yes.

Mom, you're gonna love that. You deserve the best.

But, um, hand wash it only.

Mm.

Yeah, definitely just hand... wash it.

* Work your shit out... *

Ooh.

(sighs)

* Better work, work, work, work *

* Work your shit out... **

Mmm.