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1
00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,200
It just makes me nuts
that this is private.
2
00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:11,967
It's like we're supposed
to just, like, circle it?
3
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,200
It's Gramercy Park
douchebags.
4
00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:15,467
If I had a key,
I would go in there
5
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:17,467
like every morning
and read the whole paper
6
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,667
with a coffee
or, like, an Oprah chai.
7
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:20,567
Ugh. If I had a key,
8
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,767
I'd just grow
some fucking weed.
9
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,300
Dude, that is genius.
10
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:25,733
Rich people
never get caught.
11
00:00:25,767 --> 00:00:27,900
(coughing)
12
00:00:27,933 --> 00:00:29,000
Oh, my God.
13
00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:30,333
Are you okay?
14
00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:32,233
Hey, are you okay?
Come to the gate.
15
00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:33,267
She knows the Heimlich.
16
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,433
Yeah, c-- come over here!
17
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,767
She knows it now.
She took a course!
18
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,100
Come on!
Come on!
19
00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:39,600
(coughing)
Okay, turn around.
20
00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:42,167
Um, I can't reach.
I can't reach.
21
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,867
Ilana, give me your hand.
Give me your arm.
22
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,867
Okay, right there.
23
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,800
One... two... three!
24
00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:49,967
Oh, my God!
25
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,300
(gasping)
Thank you.
26
00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:55,833
How can I ever repay you
for saving my life?
27
00:00:57,467 --> 00:00:59,333
We-- we've never been
in the park.
28
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,633
I mean... we would
love a tour.
29
00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:03,167
It's beautiful.
Love. One love.
30
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,233
Ooh, absolutely not.
31
00:01:05,267 --> 00:01:06,400
Wait, what?
32
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,767
We just saved your life.
33
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,367
That's how you worded it.
You just said that.
34
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,100
You have to have
a key to come in.
35
00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:14,767
You have one.
36
00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:19,333
Shrug?
37
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,067
Sometimes,
I literally hate...
38
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:23,533
(chuckling)
...humanity.
39
00:01:23,567 --> 00:01:25,967
I--
That was unbelievable.
40
00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:28,900
I-- I can't--
(man coughing)
41
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,600
Really?
Oh, no.
42
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,233
This rich baby
doesn't know how to eat.
43
00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:35,400
(groans)
44
00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:37,967
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
45
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,800
**
46
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,600
(whimpering)
47
00:01:45,633 --> 00:01:47,833
You cold, BB?
Just a little bit.
48
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,433
You are like
a Columbian drug lord.
49
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:57,300
Thank you.
That's not gonna work now.
50
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:59,533
Wow... that is better.
51
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,400
God, it is so amazing
to have a day off from work.
52
00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:08,300
I worked seven
double-shifts in a row.
53
00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:09,400
Ai, mi amore,
you deserve it.
54
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,833
You been working
yourself to the bone.
55
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:13,333
Like, literally,
I think I can see
the bone in your foot.
56
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,633
Could you please
put it away please?
57
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,400
I'm sorry,
I have to air it out.
58
00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,700
God, it's just nice to have
fresh cash, though, you know?
59
00:02:18,733 --> 00:02:20,233
And now that I have
the day off,
60
00:02:20,267 --> 00:02:21,933
I can buy myself
some happiness.
61
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:24,400
Exhibit A:
this freakin' bed.
62
00:02:24,433 --> 00:02:26,967
A king for two queens,
bitch!
63
00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:29,733
You can fit four people
in here comfortably.
Mmm.
64
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:31,267
Speaking of orgies,
I need to go
65
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,767
put on my penis cream.
Do you need any help?
66
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,633
Again, I do not think
that's appropriate, Ilana.
67
00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,233
(sighs)
68
00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:40,333
At least do it in here.
69
00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:41,833
Okay, that's fair.
70
00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:46,867
Hi.
(giggles)
71
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:50,433
You, uh-- you have
something in your teeth.
72
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:52,433
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is it--
73
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:55,267
I-- I think
it's my chest hair.
74
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,233
Here. Let me-- I got it.
Oh.
75
00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:58,400
Yeah.
76
00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:01,167
I guess I was really
going to town.
77
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,067
Yeah.
Like, on your chest.
78
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,867
I'm gonna go pee.
79
00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:07,367
Okay.
80
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,767
All right.
Don't, uh, fall in.
81
00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:15,600
(exhales)
82
00:03:15,633 --> 00:03:18,533
(giggling)
Oh, my God, Bevers!
83
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,067
What're you doing?
84
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:23,200
Excusez-moi,
mademoiselle,
85
00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:26,333
but, uh,
who da' fresh man meat?
86
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:29,767
Okay... ew... to you.
87
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,700
But he's my new boyfriend.
88
00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:36,267
I met him at the gym,
he's a paramedic.
89
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,700
And Trey was all
like, "You're not
a relationship type."
90
00:03:38,733 --> 00:03:40,233
And I was all like--
(scoffs)
91
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,967
"Uh, am I?
'Cause I'm in one now."
92
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:44,733
I haven't had my ears
candled in a while,
93
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:48,733
but it sounded to me like
he gave you multiples.
94
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,367
Okay, were you listening
to us have sex?
95
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,133
Yeah.
Just listening.
96
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,167
Okay, don't. Please.
97
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,667
Mmm, I'm sorry.
98
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:02,333
But he is
really good at sex.
99
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,167
But I also think
that's really about me
100
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,633
knowing my body.
101
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,233
Yeah, I've noticed that too
102
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:10,633
and I'm proud of you.
103
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,400
God, it's so moist
in this bed.
104
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,433
All right.
105
00:04:15,467 --> 00:04:18,067
Oh, hey, uh,
this is um--
106
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,367
I'm Matthew Bevers,
I'm Abbi's roommate.
107
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,933
Oh, hey, um--
Mike, I heard.
108
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,500
(making laser sounds)
109
00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:30,733
(mouthing)
Out!
(clears throat)
110
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:33,933
**
111
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:39,500
(Ilana)
Man, this is the first time ever
112
00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:40,767
I'm not bringing
my own color.
113
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,400
This is a big day
for me, actually.
114
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:46,400
(gasping)
What? What?
115
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:47,833
These feet.
116
00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:49,467
Very badly abused.
117
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,800
Oh, don't worry about it.
118
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,200
I call 'em
"ballerina feet."
119
00:04:52,233 --> 00:04:54,833
Just shave the sides off
a little and slap on some color.
120
00:04:54,867 --> 00:04:57,133
And don't be afraid to really
grind with that pumice.
121
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:59,300
Nails not much better.
122
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:03,367
Thin, baby nails.
Are you working class?
123
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,200
Technically...
124
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:07,667
Wow.
125
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,700
I'll have what she's having.
126
00:05:10,733 --> 00:05:13,300
You're sure?
Very expensive.
127
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,533
(laughing)
128
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,467
Money is no object...
129
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,800
for me, although,
I appreciate a good laugh.
130
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:25,533
Listen, I know what
it's like to live off tips.
131
00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:27,700
But I did read that terrible
"New York Times" headline
132
00:05:27,733 --> 00:05:29,367
about the exploited
salon workers.
133
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,200
I want you having this
and not the owner.
134
00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:34,200
I am the owner.
135
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,533
Congratulations.
136
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:39,533
* White guilt,
white guilt *
137
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,267
* White guilt
138
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:44,067
* White guilt *
139
00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:55,133
Well, look at that.
140
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,300
(exhales)
141
00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:03,367
And I realized that a clit
looks a lot like a swoosh.
142
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,800
And that's how
the logo was born.
143
00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:06,967
(laughing)
People don't even realize
144
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,667
they're walking around
with clits all over their shoes.
145
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,833
Makes me laugh.
It should.
146
00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:15,067
Okay.
147
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,600
Before we get to
the Amtrak account,
148
00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,567
we gotta talk
office party.
149
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,133
We're a month out
and I wanna book
150
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,367
that private room at Freemans,
so I need to know
151
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,800
who's coming
with a plus-one.
152
00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:27,467
Oh, I'm in
a committed relationship,
153
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,367
I will be bringing
that plus-one.
154
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,867
You mentioned it.
Oh, we know.
155
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,067
Yeah, I just, like--
I love being part of a couple.
156
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,967
I'm just, like,
that kinda gal, you know?
157
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:37,167
Woman... girl.
158
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,067
Woman-- you know what?
It's not about me.
159
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,367
Do you wanna get back
to the clit talk?
160
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,467
No, we're-- we're kinda
past that, Abbi.
161
00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:48,733
Totally.
My God, this board is a mess.
162
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:53,067
**
163
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,667
(grunts)
164
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:58,200
Do you have a harness
in this size?
165
00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,800
Can you remind me again
why you asked me to meet you
166
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:04,367
at what turned out
to be a sex store?
167
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,233
Because I need a second opinion
on a new leotard.
168
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,700
Come on, Ilana!
169
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,467
Why didn't you
just ask Abbi?
170
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,167
Because she's with
her new boy-toy.
171
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,633
Ooh-ooh! Ha-ha...
172
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:17,333
What is-- what is that?
173
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,067
It's like '90s
canned laughter.
174
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:22,067
Wait, what about J--
why don't you ask Jaimé?
175
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,400
Gays are not
interchangeable, Eliot.
176
00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:25,767
Don't be a fucking homophobe.
177
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,600
I'm gay.
Now stop being inappropriate
178
00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,100
and tell me if my boobs
look good in this.
179
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:31,433
Ilana, I really
don't wanna do this.
180
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:34,300
Did I or did I not
buy you not one,
181
00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:36,633
but two Levain cookies?
182
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:39,100
Okay, fine.
Your boobs look...
183
00:07:39,133 --> 00:07:41,367
b-- bountiful or whatever,
I don't know.
184
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,833
Delicious.
Thank you.
185
00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:46,267
Now help zip a sister up
because I can't with these.
186
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,067
(sighs)
187
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,533
Gentle!
188
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:51,800
Perfect.
189
00:07:51,833 --> 00:07:53,433
You wanna come to
a sick-ass party tonight
190
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:54,767
with me and Abbi and Jimmels?
191
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,233
Um, whose party is it?
192
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:58,600
I don't even know.
I just clicked on it on Facebook
193
00:07:58,633 --> 00:08:00,167
'cause I need
a freakin' place
194
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,533
to flaunt my wealth
and my body.
195
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:06,133
Yeah, I-- I definitely
don't wanna go.
196
00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:08,600
But you will certainly be
the belle of the ball.
197
00:08:08,633 --> 00:08:09,667
Mmm, well, miss out, brother.
198
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:12,333
Miss out on your sista's
body, baby.
199
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,500
Okay.
200
00:08:13,533 --> 00:08:15,433
**
201
00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:18,467
All right, well,
I'm getting here safe.
202
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:19,767
Text me later.
203
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,067
No, you hang up first.
204
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,967
(giggling)
No, you! No, y--
205
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,367
Mike? Hello?
(car horn honking)
206
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:28,867
Did somebody order
a hot, rich cunt?
207
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,233
Young moolah, baby!
208
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:33,067
Whoo!
209
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,867
He's so cute, right?
Mmm.
210
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,633
Ooh, neck hair.
211
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,267
Ladies, ladies,
major conundrum.
212
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,467
What?
What?
213
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,467
There is a hottie
at this party that looks
214
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,433
just like a male Lucy Liu.
215
00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,867
Oh, yes.
216
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,567
(clamoring)
217
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,233
There's a big problem,
though.
218
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,833
(whispers)
My penis.
219
00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:58,700
I'm sorry?
220
00:08:58,733 --> 00:09:01,567
You know how I have
a gorgeous, uncircumcised penis?
221
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,900
Well, I do know.
222
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,567
How have I not told you
about his gorgeous,
223
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:05,700
uncircumcised penis?
224
00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:07,533
You're not listening.
225
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,533
But I love it.
I love it because
226
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:12,367
it has so much more,
like-- like sabor,
227
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,233
sensitivity
than normal, cut penises do.
228
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:16,467
Oh, really?
Oh, yes.
229
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,800
Circumcision exposes
the penile head
230
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:20,700
decreasing sensitivity
over time.
231
00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:22,800
The tip becomes calloused,
232
00:09:22,833 --> 00:09:24,967
leaving cut penises
with, like, five percent
233
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,267
of the pleasure experienced
by in tact men.
234
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,200
Pullback gang
all damn day.
235
00:09:29,233 --> 00:09:30,267
(whispers)
Every day.
236
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,167
Whoa, how do you know
so much about this?
237
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,367
Honestly, Ab, if you
don't read a book soon,
238
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,067
you're gonna forget how.
I--
239
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:40,500
The problem is because
of my particular PH balance,
240
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:43,667
I am prone...
It's okay.
241
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,100
I prone to having
the yeasty infections.
242
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,267
He has one now.
243
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,533
That's why I'm
wearing this skirt.
244
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,067
Oh...
But the thing is, like,
245
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:53,500
I know I "look good,"
but I don't feel sexy.
246
00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:56,667
So I've been thinking
that maybe it's time for me
247
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:59,667
to... cut my pepito.
248
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:02,433
Whoa, that's heavy.
249
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:03,767
Wow.
250
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:06,933
Should we drink?
251
00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,133
Yes!
Yes!
252
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,867
Woo-hoo!
Yes!
253
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,367
What's that behind your ear?
254
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,867
Pow!
One night off, get me off!
255
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,067
**
256
00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:25,300
(inhaling)
257
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,833
One last one for mama.
258
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,600
(inhales)
259
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:30,333
(laughing hysterically)
260
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:32,067
(screaming)
261
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,700
That's the one
football game I watched.
262
00:10:36,733 --> 00:10:38,900
God, you're cute as shit.
263
00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:40,233
Oh, thanks.
264
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,067
You wanna smash later?
265
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,033
Um, uh, no.
266
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,700
Thank you for
the polite invite, I guess.
267
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,000
But I'm actually
seeing someone.
268
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:50,167
(scoffs)
269
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,200
Waste of two minutes.
270
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:54,733
You okay? You want me
to cut a bitch?
271
00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,400
(chuckles)
No, it's all right.
272
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:57,567
But that's, like,
the third dude
273
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,400
that's hit on me tonight.
Mmm, not surprised.
274
00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:00,900
That's what happens
when you're taken.
275
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:02,433
Everybody can smell
your pheromones
276
00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:04,400
spraying off
your mons pubis.
277
00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:07,367
Gotta make my day off count.
Work hard, play hard, baby.
278
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,767
Hold up.
279
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,133
(glass shatters)
(belches)
280
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:12,600
Jesus, I'm getting there.
281
00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:13,467
Thanks very much.
282
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,867
Ow! Jesus!
283
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,933
I'm really sorry.
It was just the tips.
284
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,700
Ilana, those are dangerous.
285
00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:22,300
Oh, but they do
come in handy.
286
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,633
(phone beeps)
Mmm, thanks. Oh!
287
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,267
All right, the service
in here is terrible.
288
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:34,800
Swear to God,
train service and cell service
289
00:11:34,833 --> 00:11:36,800
has been terrible since
we became a fascist state.
290
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,133
You know what?
I'm gonna see if I can
291
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,300
get service in another room.
292
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:41,233
You know what?
I'm gonna work
my death drops.
293
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,600
Yes.
294
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,600
Ah, that's great, okay.
295
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,800
(woman sobbing)
296
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:01,800
(gasps)
Jesus!
297
00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:04,800
No, I'm so sorry.
I just-- I heard you crying.
298
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:06,833
Uh, are you okay?
299
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:09,067
(sniffles)
Um...
300
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:14,867
Yeah, I'm sorry.
301
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,067
Sorry, I don't usually--
I just was getting service.
302
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,367
I'm kind of having
a tough time.
303
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,367
(sniffles)
304
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,500
Well, actually,
my husband and I...
305
00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,600
are having a tough time.
306
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:28,733
And I really--
307
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,500
I really don't know
what to do.
308
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:32,900
Relationships are tough,
take it from me.
309
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:35,767
How long have you guys
been together?
310
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,933
Show me just one.
I'll show you both.
311
00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:39,567
I'll show you right now--
Ilana, what's good?
312
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,900
Damien!
Hey, hey, what's up?
313
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,267
How are you?
Good to see you.
314
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,633
You too.
Yeah.
315
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,967
What are you doing here?
What're you talking about?
316
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,533
It's my party.
I invited you.
317
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:48,867
Yes.
Yeah.
318
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,633
Right.
Right, yeah.
319
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:52,400
Wait, does that mean that
320
00:12:52,433 --> 00:12:54,967
Lincoln's here?
321
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,700
**
322
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:09,767
Hold on one second.
Whoa.
323
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,100
I'm just gonna grab this.
Okay.
324
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,633
(glass shatters)
I'll come back for you.
325
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,800
I shouldn't have
invited her.
326
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,700
Well, hello.
Hey.
327
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,467
Ilana. Ilana Wexler.
328
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:22,867
Yeah, I-- I know.
329
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,333
How are you?
You look great.
330
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:25,500
You look good too.
331
00:13:25,533 --> 00:13:27,633
You look like a video girl.
Mmm!
332
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:28,967
Woman.
Mmm.
333
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:32,067
Video gi-- You look good.
Thanks.
334
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:33,633
Oh, hey.
335
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:35,133
Steph, this is Ilana.
336
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,967
Ilana, this is
my girlfriend, Steph.
337
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,333
Oh...
(stomach rumbles)
338
00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:42,633
No...
339
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:44,967
* Oh, no, oh, no
340
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:47,633
(stomach rumbles)
* Oh, no...
341
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,500
(stomach rumbles)
Oh!
342
00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,300
Catch up with you later.
343
00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:59,500
Abbi, I just saw Lincoln
and then I met his girlfriend
344
00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:01,967
and I shit myself from
a sphincter-quivering,
345
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:04,567
pelvic-floor-loosening,
socially lethal combination
346
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,767
of cheese, champagne,
and cocaine.
347
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,067
I need some working fingers
in the bathroom pronto
348
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,067
before I Edward Scissors-ass
my ass.
349
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,700
You owe me
a doo doo favor, bitch!
350
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:17,300
(whimpers)
351
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:19,833
(Abbi outgoing message)
Hey, this is Abbi.
352
00:14:19,867 --> 00:14:21,200
I'm sorry I can't
answer the phone,
353
00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:22,333
probably with
my boyfriend, Mike.
354
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,067
We're in a relationship.
We're probably--
355
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,333
Okay.
356
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:28,067
Thanks for nothing.
357
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,733
(screams)
(knock on door)
358
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,067
In use!
359
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:32,933
Lincoln:
Ilana, it's me.
360
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,167
Oh, hey.
361
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,900
Hey, did you shit
your leotard?
362
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,300
No.
363
00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,367
How'd you know?
364
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,567
I know that face anywhere.
365
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,733
That face is saying,
"I'm shitting my leotard."
366
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:55,067
Mmm.
Also, it really smells
like shit in here.
367
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,533
Mmm-mmm.
It's just distinct.
368
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:59,367
That's a big... clue.
It's just a smell.
369
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,067
It smells how
it's supposed to smell.
370
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,267
Well, thank you so much.
371
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:05,533
I do appreciate
you checking in,
372
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:09,533
but your services are not,
um, needed here.
373
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:12,200
So thank you for, um...
374
00:15:12,233 --> 00:15:14,300
Ow.
375
00:15:15,633 --> 00:15:17,167
(both chuckling)
376
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,867
(high-pitched laughing)
377
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,633
(makes smashing sound)
378
00:15:20,667 --> 00:15:22,367
Yeah, I guess
I could use a hand.
379
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,067
Like I said, I'm open
to the idea of circumcision.
380
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,500
Okay.
You know, Damien,
381
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:29,233
I just love the full
sensitivity to my penis.
382
00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:30,700
Of course.
An orgasm for me
383
00:15:30,733 --> 00:15:33,167
is like a full-body experience,
you know?
384
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,233
Really?
Yeah!
385
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,400
It's like my body
fills up with fire
386
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,733
and then I just jump
into a glacier...
387
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,367
(grunts)
...that's broken up just for me.
388
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,067
That's how a normal orgasm
feels for you?
389
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,400
(chuckling)
So sorry.
390
00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:43,933
Maybe there is
a language barrier.
391
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,400
Silly Jaimé!
392
00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:46,733
It's like the world
crumbles beneath my feet
393
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,300
and when I open my eyes
the universe is reborn.
394
00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:50,667
You know what I mean?
395
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,833
Kinda.
Yeah?
396
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,133
Yeah. Uh...
397
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,300
When I orgasm it's--
it's kinda like--
398
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:59,500
Okay, you know the little
basketball hoops
399
00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:01,267
that are in the kiddie pool
for the kids?
400
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,933
Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm dunking on it.
401
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,800
Pow! Slam dunk! Wet.
402
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,533
And it feels great.
403
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:13,233
(woman)
I mean, we started
going out in college.
404
00:16:13,267 --> 00:16:16,733
And we just started going in
different directions, you know?
405
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,400
It's been, like,
three months since we had sex
406
00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:20,967
and even then,
it wasn't good.
407
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,100
I just tried to have sex
with him right now,
408
00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,267
and he pretended
he was asleep.
409
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,500
It is 9:00 PM!
410
00:16:25,533 --> 00:16:26,800
Relationships
are complicated.
411
00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:28,133
I mean, I know.
412
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,467
It's about communication
413
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,067
and listening
to each other's energies.
414
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,733
Tell him what you want.
Tell him what you need.
415
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:36,400
That's what Mike and I do,
and we're great.
416
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:39,100
Wow, you are right.
(laughs)
417
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,967
You just...
really get relationships.
418
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,600
I know.
419
00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,400
So how long have
you two been together?
420
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:47,167
We've been together...
421
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,100
uh, six long...
422
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:53,400
long... days.
423
00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:57,933
Wait, what?
424
00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:00,267
(laughing)
Well, okay.
425
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,600
Well-- it-- but our connection
is like super powerful.
426
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:05,433
Oh?
Um, it's like we've
known each other
427
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,267
for, like, three months,
four months.
428
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,933
Like, it's--
What's his middle name?
429
00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:11,500
Um... Berto?
430
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,500
Where's he from?
From Ohio.
431
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,700
Or is it Iowa?
Somewhere--
432
00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:18,467
Oh, my God.
You're not in a relationship,
433
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,300
you're literally
sleeping with a stranger.
434
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,467
You won't even know
for, like, years,
435
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:23,633
if you even get that far.
436
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,067
And even then,
he could end up being
437
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,433
a completely different person
than the guy he is right now.
438
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,633
(laughing)
439
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:31,533
You're such a fucking idiot.
440
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,500
I'm sorry. Oh, my God!
Okay.
441
00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:36,533
Oh, my God. Thank you.
442
00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:38,233
I really needed that.
443
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,767
(sighs)
You moron. Six days!
444
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,200
Okay.
445
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,800
(woman cackling)
It's not that funny.
446
00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:48,100
This zipper's stuck,
we're gonna have to rip it.
447
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:51,133
I know.
Perfect.
448
00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:56,733
Yeah!
449
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,533
Whoa, those things
look dangerous.
450
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,300
It's 'cause I'm rich now.
451
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,767
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
452
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,933
Got a dope waiting job
and I'm making serious bank.
453
00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:09,133
I'm... much more mature
than when you last saw me.
454
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,133
It looks like it.
Yes.
455
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,433
Could you close your eyes?
456
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:16,767
All right. Closed.
457
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,933
Well, Steph seems
really nice.
458
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:24,100
She is.
459
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:26,900
Yeah, she seems cool and...
460
00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:30,300
pretty and I hope
you guys are, um,
461
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,633
making each other
orgasm a lot.
462
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:34,500
Uh, you know, Ilana,
me and you, we had--
463
00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:36,767
we had our own thing
going and...
464
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,433
and that was fun
but now, I'm--
465
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,600
I'm getting what I want
and I'm happy
466
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,367
and I hope you're getting
what you want too.
467
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,533
Yeah.
468
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:46,567
Oh, you can open
your eyes now.
469
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,167
What were you doing
while they were closed?
470
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,600
I'm gonna need to buy Damien
a bottle of wine or something.
471
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:53,933
Sorry you had
to see me like this.
472
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,867
You're lucky you got out
when you did, brother.
473
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,833
I am a rich,
disgusting monster.
474
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,567
It's okay.
475
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,233
You should probably
just take a shower.
476
00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:08,600
Yeah, what I just did when you
closed your eyes made it worse.
477
00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:12,300
Much, much, much worse.
It became a medical issue.
478
00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:14,200
(laughing)
479
00:19:14,233 --> 00:19:15,667
(chuckling)
480
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,833
There's only one
Ilana Wexler.
481
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,800
**
482
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,300
Okay, just let me
get this out.
483
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,433
Um, someone recently told me
484
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:28,833
that I'm not
a relationship person,
485
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,100
so I think I just
dove into this too fast.
486
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:34,533
I think I just need some time
to really figure myself out.
487
00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:35,700
I just wanna
make sure you know
488
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,600
it's me and not you.
489
00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:41,067
Oh, well, yeah.
It's only been six days.
490
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:43,133
I didn't realize
we were being exclusive.
491
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,200
What?
492
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:47,500
Well, I've been sleeping
with a couple people.
493
00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:50,667
Okay, well, I guess
there's nothing more to say
494
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,167
unless you have
something to say.
495
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,667
I lost the heartbeat!
496
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,900
(siren wailing)
497
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:58,933
Oh...
498
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:01,667
How'd it go?
499
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,467
I-- I let him down easy.
500
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,633
Yeah, it was tough.
501
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,767
Good girl.
Yeah.
502
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:12,200
Okay, baby.
Here we go.
503
00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:14,000
Ow!
Ow! Hey!
504
00:20:14,033 --> 00:20:16,167
You know, I wanted last night
to be so perfect.
505
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,167
But I can't stuff my tips
into my empty heart.
506
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,067
Ow!
Ay! Ay! Ay!
507
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:23,900
I'm so sorry.
God!
508
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:26,033
And now I have
to lose these tips.
509
00:20:26,067 --> 00:20:28,033
It's like they're
leaving office all over again.
510
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,567
I know.
511
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,467
I think it is time for me
to lose my tip too.
512
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:33,800
I'm so sorry, Jaimé.
It's okay.
513
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,800
Ow!
I'm so sorry.
514
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,200
It's okay.
515
00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:39,700
I'm so sorry too.
It's a tough call.
516
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:45,900
I don't have, um,
a like-- a tip metaphor
517
00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:48,200
for me, personally, for today.
It's okay.
518
00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:50,967
But I did realize,
you know, maybe I'm not
519
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,367
a relationship girl,
you know?
520
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,400
Maybe I'm not not one, either.
521
00:20:54,433 --> 00:20:57,500
Like, maybe I'm just
figuring it all out.
522
00:20:57,533 --> 00:21:00,133
I'm just gonna focus
on myself, you know?
523
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:02,667
Totally.
524
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:05,367
Ow! Fuck!
525
00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:07,733
Thank you.
526
00:21:14,833 --> 00:21:16,533
These nails cost $480.
527
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:21,233
I...
Ilana, we need to talk about,
528
00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:22,400
like, your spending.
529
00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,433
Oh, you know how to spend?!
530
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:27,700
It's a lot of pressure
having this much money!
531
00:21:27,733 --> 00:21:28,900
Okay.
36630
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