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1
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,846
(Ilana)
Ab, $12.99 is such
a splurge for wine.
2
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:13,814
You're spoiling me.
3
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,249
(Abbi)
Don't, it's your birthday, dude.
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,885
You deserve
a bottle, not a box.
5
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:19,253
I made a reservation
and everything
6
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,955
and I cannot wait for you
to open up this b-day gift.
7
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,624
Oh, I'm dying.
It's so good.
8
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,293
I don't know.
9
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,028
23 is such a nothing birthday,
though, you know, like...
10
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,263
No.
11
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,698
22, you graduate
college.
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,900
21, you're suddenly
allowed to be an alcoholic.
13
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,968
20, you lose your virginity.
Right.
14
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,904
19's your last
teen year.
15
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,038
18, you get to vote.
16
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,340
17, you get
to drive.
17
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,609
16's your sweet 16,
15's your quinceañera.
18
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:42,943
See?
I guess.
19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,845
23 was pretty great for me,
I mean, it's the year I met you.
20
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:45,879
Really?
21
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,081
(both screaming)
22
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:48,149
Oh, my God.
23
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,883
Oh, my...
24
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,652
Tree man.
Oh, my damn God.
25
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:52,853
Every time he gets me,
every time.
26
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,288
He needs a little bell.
27
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,024
Or like, a personal triangle
he's playing all the time.
28
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,427
He could cause
a heart attack.
29
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,761
For real, though,
this wine,
30
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,796
this like, pricey,
high-class wine
31
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,266
is setting up
your entire year.
32
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,135
If we weren't going to
this BYOB, I mean,
33
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,402
this would be
like, 30 bucks.
34
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,671
I know,
I love a "byob".
35
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:12,005
I love a "byof"--
Bring Your Own Food,
36
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,974
or a "byos"-- Bring Your
Own Silverware.
37
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,543
I'd wash the dishes
if they'd let me.
38
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,945
This is the exact
opposite reason why
39
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,012
restaurants exist
at all.
40
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,148
I mean, why not
just eat at home?
41
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,515
I don't have a table.
42
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,251
(man)
You girls are so pretty.
43
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,219
You should smile.
44
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,725
* Four and three
and two and one-one **
45
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,176
(Ilana)
So, I've been spending all
morning writing out my will.
46
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,511
My dad said it's never
too early, and I agree.
47
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,946
Ilana, you're
only 23, dude.
48
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,081
Okay, you know what?
49
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,384
My people plan
for death, Abbi.
50
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,051
I'm Jewish too.
51
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,920
Okay, but you're
a mainline Jew.
52
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,323
New York Jews
wake up every day
53
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,658
just thinking about
how they're going to die.
54
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:08,196
(scoffs)
I think about death.
55
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,998
(man)
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
56
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,099
Whoa, Sex is right.
57
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,367
Oh, my goodness.
58
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,203
You wrote your
will on a napkin?
59
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,870
I made copies,
obviously.
60
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,373
Come on.
61
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,675
I know, how have I
never had edamame?
62
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,043
I know!
How has it ever--
63
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:24,912
It's always
on the table.
64
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,815
Hold up-- you gave me
power of attorney?
65
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:31,084
I need you to be able to fight
against my killer or whatever,
66
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,786
and then option
the rights.
67
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,722
I also am looking into
a few mutual funds
68
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,357
and I'm having some, um...
(clearing throat)
69
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:38,226
valuables appraised.
70
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:41,995
Are you (bleep) talking
about the Beanie Babies?
71
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,130
Don't!
72
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:45,266
Stop, I can't even
talk about this.
73
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,100
They're--
With the flamingo one?
74
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:47,968
Dude, I can't even--
75
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,503
There is still
some value there,
76
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,405
especially in the ones that
like, commemorate events, okay?
77
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,741
It's cyclical,
the market is cyclical.
78
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,043
Maybe you--
You don't know about the market.
79
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,511
But it's cyclical.
80
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,713
You're getting into like,
the eBay Beanie Baby game?
81
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,882
Yeah, baby, it's a whole
other math game.
82
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,251
I've got a math head.
All right, listen.
83
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,253
Math mind.
84
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,354
I'm all for wills.
85
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:07,588
I think it's a good idea
86
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,822
even though I think
you're very young.
87
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,691
But people get crazy about
material possessions
88
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,695
and it's like, who even owns
anything these days anyway?
89
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:15,896
Can you please
spare a dollar?
90
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,098
Yeah.
I just wanna
to get some food.
91
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:18,966
Good luck.
Thank you.
92
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:19,967
Yeah.
93
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,068
Appreciate it.
Bless.
94
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,970
I hope it helps.
95
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,172
Oh, my God, we are...
96
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,840
Can I get a buck?
97
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,075
Oh, sorry.
98
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,511
But you just
gave her a buck.
99
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,046
We can't give everyone
on the block a dollar.
100
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,282
Well, actually,
you could.
101
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,716
You just
don't want to.
102
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,585
Actually, we couldn't, because
we're going to the Meat Sack
103
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:39,019
and it's a
cash-only restaurant.
104
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:41,555
Wow, that must be nice.
105
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,524
Okay, we could bring you
our leftovers, after.
106
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,393
I was gonna
have them for lunch...
107
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:48,095
Oh, really?
'Cause that would be
so generous of you.
108
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,129
Oh, it's no problem.
109
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:49,997
I'm glad we--
110
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,299
Okay, he's being sarcastic.
111
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,633
Oh.
112
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,102
Michelle, party of two.
113
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:57,104
Michelle,
party of two.
114
00:03:57,204 --> 00:04:00,073
Three, two, one.
115
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,142
Okay, you lose.
116
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,143
I have a reservation.
117
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,812
It's under, uh...
118
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,146
(woman)
You're my next two-top.
119
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,181
Great.
A'ight?
120
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,950
Hope you're hungry.
121
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,352
Get the stomach
stretched.
122
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,353
I cannot wait.
123
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,822
I love me
some dumplings.
124
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,157
It's like a squirrel clutch
with a meatball in it.
125
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,493
(woman)
Little Wayne, party of two.
126
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,128
(muffled screaming)
127
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,830
Oh, my God,
Weezy's here.
128
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:23,897
He is so real.
129
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,367
No, that's us.
130
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,902
We...
are Little Wayne.
131
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,441
Oh, you are sweeping me
off my feet.
132
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,512
Oh, yum.
Oh, my God.
133
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,118
You can get as many
dumplings as you want, okay?
134
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,488
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
135
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,390
Oh, my God!
Wow!
136
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,424
Yo, girlfriends.
137
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,426
Hey...
Long time, no freakin' see.
138
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,227
Look at you two!
139
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,729
Couple of
Madonnas, huh?
140
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,898
Oh, gosh,
so fashion, baby.
141
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:58,766
(woman)
I love that!
142
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:01,268
How are you guys?
Yeah.
143
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:02,836
(woman)
When was the last time
we saw you?
144
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,438
I think it was at
our show...
145
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,640
Yeah.
...with Elliott.
146
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,809
It was our show choir show.
Yeah.
147
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:09,910
(vocalizing)
148
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,479
(vocalizing)
149
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:12,546
It was a long time ago.
150
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,947
Can I ask you,
do you live in New York
151
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,249
or did you move,
because you never respond
152
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:20,087
to any of my Facebook,
uh, invites.
153
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,389
I get so confused
on Facebook.
154
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:22,423
Me too!
Like, how it works.
155
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,258
What are all the numbers
and the things?
156
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:26,827
I know!
I don't know what they go with.
157
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,397
It's kind of change--
it changes fast, the interface.
158
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,499
I'm afraid to click it.
Yes.
159
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,401
You know, I'm actually,
I'm really kind of sad
160
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,936
that you guys missed
my last solo performance.
161
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,538
Yeah.
162
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,873
We're so sorry
that that happened.
163
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,875
We don't even know
you guys that well.
164
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,944
Honestly, Chris, I feel like you
should give them some of it.
165
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:44,978
You should show
them a little bit.
166
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,180
Give them a little
piece, a taste.
167
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,216
Oh, you don't
have to do that.
168
00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:50,918
You don't have to.
We're at dinner.
169
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,120
I was born the day
the Challenger exploded.
170
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,187
(woman)
Honey, no.
171
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,255
No, no, no.
172
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:56,957
Do the ending,
do the climax.
173
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,792
Do "Dear Uncle".
174
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,161
Um, please suspend
your sense of disbelief, uh,
175
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:04,297
as the lighting here is not
good and it's not a theater,
176
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:05,899
but all the world
is a stage.
177
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,435
Here we go.
178
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,938
No, Uncle,
please, don't!
179
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,707
Okay, so he is on stage,
he's fully naked,
180
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,676
and he's maximum erect.
181
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,712
Uncle, please,
don't do it, Uncle!
182
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,915
Okay, he's standing on a
shredded American flag,
183
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,150
little pieces.
184
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:25,719
Uncle, Uncle Sam!
185
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,955
He ejaculates!
(moaning)
186
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,623
Into the flag.
187
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,024
Yes.
188
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,926
That's the twist.
189
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,294
It's a bit of a statement.
Yeah.
190
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,597
It's like, about currency
and politics and government
191
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,065
and all that.
192
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,667
Um, we can push
your tables together
193
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:40,801
and then maybe you can talk
a little bit quieter.
194
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:41,902
(whispering)
No, please don't.
195
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,236
(woman)
Excuse me, sir.
196
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:44,304
That's a great idea!
197
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,172
Yes!
Yes!
198
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,239
Here we go.
Here we go.
199
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,542
Beep, beep, beep.
200
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,377
Honk-honk, honk-honk.
201
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:52,780
Beep, beep, beep.
202
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,482
Hi!
203
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,249
This is a good group.
204
00:06:56,349 --> 00:07:00,020
Oh, my...
Holy (bleep).
205
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,121
What the heck?
206
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,122
What the (bleep)?
207
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,157
I'm such a klutz,
we have to go.
208
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:07,628
Now we gotta go,
is what... it is.
209
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,362
We gotta...
We have to go.
210
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,364
Gotta go, we gotta go.
Oh, my God.
211
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,533
I can't be out.
212
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:13,867
I can't be out
like this.
213
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,736
We have to go, that's...
sorry, everybody.
214
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,204
I should go home
right now.
215
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,672
This is never
gonna come out!
216
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,940
Let's go.
Let's do it.
217
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,174
Here we go.
218
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:25,112
Wait, you can't leave
with an open container.
219
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,080
Okay.
Okay.
220
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,248
We will not do that.
221
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,251
You guys know wine
is heart healthy, so...
222
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,086
Mm-hmm, and...
Here we go.
223
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,655
Just do that.
224
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,097
Mmm!
225
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,867
(coughing)
226
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,703
Oh...
Oh, my God.
227
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,239
You have a good--
228
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,908
California,
I can tell.
229
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,176
You have a good
rest of your night.
230
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,310
Sayonara.
231
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,980
Bye, you guys.
See you guys.
232
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,415
I'm sorry,
but they are too much.
233
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:03,784
Yeah.
234
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,756
Scott Wolf,
party of five.
235
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:09,790
Scott Wolf?
236
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,324
(man)
Oh, hey, hey!
237
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:12,760
Where are
the leftovers?
238
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,295
It was... honestly
too annoying.
239
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,329
We didn't even order.
240
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:17,598
Wow, too annoying?
241
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:18,799
Must be nice.
242
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:22,202
Must... be... nice.
243
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,209
Must be nice!
244
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,343
Jeez.
245
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,945
I feel bad.
246
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:35,082
You know, runaway teens
have it so tough.
247
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,652
He probably came out to his
family, they kicked him out,
248
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,588
so he hopped a boxcar
from Oklahoma
249
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,357
and now he's turning
tricks on St. Mark's.
250
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,661
You know, child sex
trafficking is all around us.
251
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,097
(gasping)
Wigs!
252
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,232
Ab, I gotta go get a wig,
it's my birthday!
253
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,601
All right, you go ahead.
254
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:54,434
I'm going to this Thai place and
see if there's a wait.
255
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,903
Dope.
256
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:58,806
Everyone's like, "Where's
Christina, where's Christina?"
257
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,041
I can't keep saying you're in
the Keys at your parents.
258
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,310
What do you
want me to say?
259
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,278
"Oh, my girlfriend moved out
seven weeks ago
260
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,617
"and I'm falling apart and
my dick doesn't work
anymore, so..."
261
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,483
Dude.
262
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,252
Christina moved out?
263
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,389
Oh.
264
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,627
What happened
with the wigs?
265
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,028
I got distracted by this
business Guido.
266
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,062
Oh...
267
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,530
All right.
268
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:24,531
I put our name in.
269
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:25,999
45 minutes, we're in.
Whoo!
270
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,401
(man)
Yeah!
Ugh.
271
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,172
I feel like every city
has a parrot dude.
272
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,341
You ever see the guy
with the cat on his head?
273
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,009
Yeah, wonder if it
ever touches the ground.
274
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,879
If it does,
that would be disgusting.
275
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,881
Imagine if
those two guys met.
276
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:43,116
I think the parrot
would win.
277
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,152
God, I have
such a wig face.
278
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,720
It's not even funny.
279
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,689
This is the kind of wig
you get buried in.
280
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:49,923
Why would you want
to get buried in a wig?
281
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,391
It's the last time people
get to see you.
282
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,662
Yeah, exactly, I want to look
dope as (bleep) at my funeral.
283
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,897
It's my last party,
you know?
284
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,198
I even made
a playlist already.
285
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:02,369
It's pretty much RuPaul's
"Supermodel" on repeat
286
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,838
and I need
leather tissues.
287
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,707
I also want everyone
I've ever hooked up with
288
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,209
to just jerk off
together.
289
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,610
That might bring
me back to life.
290
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:11,544
Seriously.
291
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,580
Yo, you should
be careful.
292
00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,482
I just want like,
a really nice funeral.
293
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,317
You know, like,
like, on a hill.
294
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,853
You know, like everyone
would be really sad,
295
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,321
like hill funerals
usually are?
296
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,455
Yeah.
297
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,456
Everyone would
be crying,
298
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:27,094
maybe even hysterically,
but then, then,
299
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,763
everyone has to go
to Six Flags, my treat.
300
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:30,798
That is genius!
301
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,465
You can't be upset
at Six Flags, you can't.
302
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,433
No, no.
303
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,634
You can even
"Weekend at Bernie's" me,
304
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,804
but Ilana, no log flume,
for real.
305
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,739
How am I going to Bernie you
if I'm already dead?
306
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,641
No, I'm obviously
dying first.
307
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:44,544
No, the husband
always dies first.
308
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,612
First of all,
we're not married.
309
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,514
Second of all,
I'm the wife?
310
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,016
You're the other husband.
311
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,018
All right,
agree to disagree.
312
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,687
A to D.
313
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,023
Oh, my God.
314
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,291
I am definitely
getting this.
315
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,994
I am a female and I love
to inspect bodies.
316
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,429
Yeah, I think that's
what that stands for.
317
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,731
Me too.
318
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,533
I'm getting this because I look
like I've been stabbed.
319
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,269
I look like
I'm mid-death.
320
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,537
Challah back, y'all.
321
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:11,805
Challah back,
y'all.
322
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,641
All right, I'll take this
and we'll take these.
323
00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,877
Wigs are 10,
shirts are a buck each.
324
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:19,279
Here you go.
325
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,881
Oh, I love St. Mark's.
326
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,619
(boy)
I'm alone!
327
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:29,056
Oh, so sad.
Been there.
328
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,657
All right, so we can eat as many
dumplings as you want...
329
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,759
Thank you.
...whatever kind.
330
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,226
Dude.
331
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,764
Yo, yo, yo, that girl
just did a tongue thing.
332
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:37,765
(man)
A tongue thing?
333
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,599
Yeah!
Hey, what'd you do?
334
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:40,633
I don't know.
335
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,535
Yeah, it was like...
336
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,636
No, it wasn't.
337
00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:46,006
I just, I was
just like, cute...
338
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:49,542
You know, I'm not trying to
start a whole conversation.
339
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:56,149
You are seriously beautiful,
like, really, really beautiful.
340
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,418
No, you are.
341
00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,452
(man)
Whoa!
342
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,520
Holy (bleep)!
343
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:03,556
Hey!
Ilana, your gift!
344
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:04,624
(bleep)
345
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,894
Stop him,
he took our bag!
346
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,363
Drop the bag,
you (bleep).
347
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,265
When I catch you, I swear
I'm going to rip out
348
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,802
your disgusting little
ball sack until you (bleep)
349
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,203
throw up
your own dick!
350
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,037
Damn it!
351
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,106
Stop, we're the FBI,
bitch!
352
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:20,640
(man)
Hey, watch it!
353
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,575
Stop that guy!
354
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:23,610
Watch out, watch out!
355
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:24,978
(man)
Hey, come on.
356
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:28,949
Hey!
357
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,583
(horn honking)
358
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:36,623
My wig!
359
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,391
Leave it, leave it!
360
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,560
Market, market-- go!
361
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:52,239
Split up!
362
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,673
Oh!
363
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,142
Ass(bleep).
364
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,079
Go around, go around!
Oh, (bleep).
365
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,087
Where is he?
Oh, my God.
366
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,922
He just (bleep)
ran down here, I...
367
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,457
Go, there, there!
368
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,395
Drop it, you (bleep) face,
I swear I'll rip--
369
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,630
Come on, (bleep)hole!
Ball sack!
370
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,369
Jesus.
371
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,305
(Bleep).
372
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,974
All right, okay.
373
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:02,042
Yep.
374
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,310
Hopefully no one
will take that.
375
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:06,413
Okay.
Oh, I have a lot in here.
376
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,814
Okay?
377
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,049
Okay.
378
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:13,253
(Abbi)
Dude, he's going into a house!
379
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,222
Come on!
All right.
380
00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:16,990
Okay, he's getting away.
381
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,126
Okay, here we go,
I need just one--
382
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,494
All right, you got it,
and then I just straddled.
383
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,663
This is uncomfortable.
I know.
384
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,665
I don't feel
like I wanna...
385
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:27,134
You know what?
386
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,936
I'm gonna go back down
through the kitchen,
387
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,337
and I'm gonna be
so fast,
388
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:31,838
and it's
gonna be so good,
389
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,706
and we're gonna
get the gift!
390
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:40,847
(doorbell chiming)
391
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,152
Can I help you?
392
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,353
A guy just ran in here.
393
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,022
We were chasing him
'cause he stole my gift.
394
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:50,357
He stole my bag.
Call the police.
395
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:51,424
He stole it right
out of my hand.
396
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,692
He's in here,
he's in your house.
397
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,861
Please, come in.
398
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:57,030
Okay, uh...
399
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,467
Timothy.
400
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,070
Can you please
come down here?
401
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,671
Timothy.
402
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,606
That boy lives here?
403
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:09,276
Boy?
He's 34 years old.
404
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,178
I had him when
I was very young.
405
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,645
Timothy.
406
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,982
Timothy!
407
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,049
Jesus Christ.
408
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,150
What, mother?
409
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,718
Can you explain yourself?
410
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,721
Did you just steal something
from these girls?
411
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,090
Yeah, it was
a (bleep) joke.
412
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,124
Chill out.
413
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,392
You chill out!
414
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:26,693
Chill out!
415
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,828
And get
their stuff now.
416
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:29,896
Ugh!
417
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,864
Now!
418
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,433
I'm sorry.
419
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:36,836
Please,
don't press charges.
420
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,405
No, it's gonna...
It's all right.
421
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:43,376
Ever since he dropped out of
grad school, he's, uh,
422
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,912
he's given me
a lot of grief.
423
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,415
I don't know what to do-- throw
him out, put him on the street.
424
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,917
He'd love that.
425
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,152
I'm so rude.
426
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,387
Uh, would you...
427
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,223
Oh.
428
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,291
Would you, uh,
like a drink?
429
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,393
No, no, no.
It's fine.
430
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,133
It's a soft gift,
so it's okay.
431
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,700
Timothy!
432
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,069
What is wrong
with you?
433
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,171
I don't know, Mom.
Why don't you tell me?
434
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,339
You're the psychiatrist.
435
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,540
Or do I need to make
an appointment?
436
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,907
Maybe you should.
437
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:21,214
But you can't afford me
because you don't work.
438
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,150
You love this,
don't you?
439
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,252
You think I like this?
440
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,653
My only son.
441
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:29,656
Having to lie
to my friends about
442
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,424
what my son does
with his life?
443
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,361
He's a loser,
loser, loser,
444
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:39,166
loser, loser, loser,
loser, loser life.
445
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:40,233
Loser.
446
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,734
Right, 'cause you
have to lie about me
447
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,371
but not about anything in your
perfect little life.
448
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,139
Not about the wine,
the painkillers,
449
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,140
my father.
450
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,442
Do I look like the son
of a quarterback?
451
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,278
I will...
452
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:54,181
I never asked
to be born!
453
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,190
Let me
tell you something.
454
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,459
I'm a very good mother,
it's just sometimes...
455
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,396
you get a dud!
456
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:12,932
A (bleep) dud!
457
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,169
(Abbi)
I'm just going to grab...
458
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:19,772
I'm sorry your son
sucks so hard.
459
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:25,845
Thank you, thank you.
460
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:28,014
Thank you.
461
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,549
Thank you.
462
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,421
We're good, we're good,
thanks so much.
463
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:35,622
Thank you so much.
464
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,257
Have a great night.
Appreciate it.
465
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:40,127
You look beautiful,
and come back and see me.
466
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,395
Will you come back and see me?
Yes.
467
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:43,963
Okay.
468
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,035
Whoo.
469
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,036
Jesus.
470
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,971
I wonder if
they own or rent.
471
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,174
Dude, I need to do
more cardio.
472
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:55,642
I'm like, sore already.
473
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:56,909
Jeez, you know...
474
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,179
Oh, my God!
475
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,248
Tree man.
My wig!
476
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,615
Oh, my God.
477
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,151
Thank you,
tree man.
478
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,652
Thank you so much.
479
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,019
This is nice.
480
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,021
You're like the Giving Tree
in real life.
481
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,423
(horn honking)
482
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:11,858
All right!
Okay.
483
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,059
Hey, hey.
484
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,728
You (bleep)
piece of (bleep).
485
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,330
I will (bleep) car.
486
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,698
I will (bleep).
487
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,234
I'm a tree,
(bleep) damn it.
488
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,403
I was here first, car.
489
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,037
I was here first!
490
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,774
Thanks for the wig.
Thanks so much.
491
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,642
Have a good night.
492
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,318
This is the best
gift ever.
493
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:40,687
This is the most powerful
and beautiful blanket
494
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,022
since the AIDS quilt.
495
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,191
Good.
496
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,493
I love pizza, dude.
497
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,494
Me too.
498
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,497
It's a squirrel
sleeping bag, unzipped.
499
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,498
Yes, it is.
500
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,832
All right, listen.
501
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,202
So, my family has
a tradition on birthdays
502
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:58,505
where we ask the b-day-ee
a couple questions.
503
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,706
Are you ready?
504
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,209
Ilana, 23-year-old.
505
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,478
What have you done this past
year that you're proud of?
506
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:08,481
And what are you gonna do
this upcoming year?
507
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:09,416
Go.
508
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:11,117
Okay, well...
509
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:14,221
I am proud of the time I saw
something and said something.
510
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:16,223
Yeah.
511
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,526
I'm proud that I
finally felt a prostate.
512
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:21,228
It's tricky.
513
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,830
Um... I'm proud that
I used a lemon
514
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,266
successfully
as antiperspirant.
515
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:27,099
(sniffing)
516
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,501
Whoo, yes I did,
yes I did.
517
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:29,702
Mm-hmm, yeah.
518
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:34,040
And next year,
I want to finish a book--
519
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,275
reading, not writing.
Mm-hmm.
520
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:39,979
I want to gradually lower my
dosage of antidepressants.
521
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,114
And I want to
join ancestry.com.
522
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,250
Oh, I'm in.
523
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,417
Dude.
Let's do it.
524
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,418
Okay,
how about you?
525
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:46,686
Well, it's not
my birthday.
526
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,120
Come on, it's--
I wanna hear it.
527
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,356
Okay.
So, this past year,
528
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:52,892
I'm proud that I finally
finished "Damages," so good.
529
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,727
I really think you need
to reconsider TV.
530
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,129
Nah.
Um, what else?
531
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,498
I pegged.
532
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,032
Like--
Ow!
533
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,968
Really outside of
my comfort level.
534
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,870
You know.
Okay.
535
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,672
I finally masturbated
above the covers
536
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,674
without my eyes
being closed.
537
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,176
That was a really
big journal entry.
538
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,111
Um... when I figured out
my eyebrows.
539
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,281
They're sisters,
they're not twins.
540
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,448
Right.
Need to be treated as such.
541
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,485
Overwhelming pride.
542
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:22,522
Okay, um,
what about next year?
543
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,123
All right.
544
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,525
I'm going to do
one legit pull-up,
545
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:26,959
for real this time.
546
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,428
And I really want to
keep a plant alive
547
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,162
for more than
two weeks.
548
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:31,831
You know,
I'm going to do that.
549
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:33,232
Ooh, I forgot one.
550
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,901
I want to see
a mangina from behind.
551
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,536
I haven't in years.
552
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,305
What?
553
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,473
A mangina is when a guy pulls
his dick through his legs,
554
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,474
it looks
like a vagina.
555
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,842
I know, I know
what a mangina is.
556
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:43,876
What do you mean
from behind?
557
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,244
Oh.
Oh, I don't know.
558
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,547
It's just, dick head and balls
squishing back there.
559
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,782
It's so cute!
560
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:51,284
Okay, I have another one.
561
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,185
I want to get one of those
really painful massages
562
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,655
where there's like, an old
Russian woman who like,
563
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,492
slaps huge leaves at you while
you're like, completely naked.
564
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:03,463
I just feel like I need
to feel more of life's pain.
565
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:04,697
I hate pain.
566
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,533
I love pleasure.
567
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,343
I know, how have I
never had edamame?
I know.
568
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:18,345
And you probably
never had edamame.
I have never, I had sushi,
569
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:19,812
but I thought
it was decoration.
570
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:21,180
Ahh!
571
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,083
(laughing)
572
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:27,520
Oh, God!
38550
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