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1
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,278
Jaime, thank you
so much again
2
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:11,912
for getting us
this coat check gig.
3
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:12,946
For real.
Seriously.
4
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,115
Of course,
my babies.
5
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,016
So, there's a big rush
at the beginning
6
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,718
and at the end
of the night.
7
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:18,886
But for
the rest of the time,
8
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,754
you just get to chill
in the closet.
9
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,990
Kind of like me
in high school.
10
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,758
I had a lot
of fun though.
11
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,759
Here they come,
okay.
12
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,162
Best of luck,
ladies-- Ciao.
13
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,198
Hi.
14
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,233
I think I saw this coat on
"Who Wore It Best".
15
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,667
Guess who
wore it best?
16
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,069
You.
(chuckling)
17
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,171
**
18
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,206
(sniffing)
19
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,384
Is this bad?
20
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:51,652
Who cares?
21
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,954
Oh, no.
22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,592
I go to sleep dreaming
about caffeine enemas.
23
00:00:58,692 --> 00:00:59,660
My God.
24
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,762
I have fake boobs!
25
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,698
Although, if somebody
wants to get it,
26
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,934
it's like,
do your thing.
No, I agree.
Exactly.
27
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,137
Ooh.
Hello.
28
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,304
I'ma do one.
Okay.
29
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,006
Oh.
30
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,142
(with British accent)
Silly Benny.
31
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,544
Get me another serving
of American Bald Eagle
32
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:19,547
and then stomp on my balls
with high heels, please.
33
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:20,614
Thank you!
34
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,383
Oh, my!
35
00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:25,486
Oh, my God.
36
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,188
I love how working
moves my bowels.
37
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,423
You want me to FaceTime
from the bathroom?
Yeah.
38
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:30,724
Cool-- Just switch
to wifi.
39
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:31,892
Okay,
I was kidding.
40
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,194
Abbi.
(scoffing)
41
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,566
I am...
42
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:42,536
the Guardian
of the Coats.
43
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,905
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
44
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,175
**
45
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:53,981
Thank you.
Yep.
46
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,785
(water running)
47
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,287
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
48
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,489
I'm also working
the event tonight.
49
00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:02,590
Coat check.
50
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:05,426
Working for the man, right?
(chuckling weakly)
51
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,330
I'll see you.
52
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,500
I'll probably see
you again-- Yeah.
53
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,268
(muttering)
54
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:20,474
**
55
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,234
(door opening)
Ab.
56
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,301
Ab, Ab, Ab.
57
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,669
Abbi?
58
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,103
Prank!
Yes!
59
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,239
Dude.
60
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,074
I just saw the hottest girl
I have ever seen.
61
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:57,511
We had the most
incredible spark.
62
00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,013
You're right--
I have to find her.
63
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,449
I didn't say anything.
64
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,884
Here,
take my tickets.
65
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,486
Wait--
Wait, wait, wait.
66
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,787
These are supposed to be
with the coats.
67
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,088
No.
68
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,123
We put the tickets in the tip
jar at the end of the night.
69
00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:11,759
Then people find
their matching ticket.
70
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,926
That proves the coat's
theirs.
71
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,428
That's how
the coat check works.
72
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,129
No, that's not
how coat check works.
73
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,799
They're supposed to be
on the hangers with
the corresponding coat.
74
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,735
Thank you for always encouraging
me to follow my heart.
75
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:22,736
I love you.
76
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,273
Again, that's not
what I said.
77
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,607
(Bleep).
78
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,741
You guys.
79
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:28,909
(Bleep).
80
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,011
(people talking,
background music playing)
81
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:33,113
(Waiter)
Ladies? Any cheesecake?
82
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,717
Jaime!
83
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,851
Hey, baby.
84
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,420
I just met the most
beautiful stranger.
85
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,021
I need to find her.
86
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,324
Okay, baby, you take this tray
of the mini cannolis.
87
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:47,461
Through the power of the Italian
dessert, she'll come to you.
88
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,829
Genius.
89
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,564
Good luck now.
90
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,635
(man)
Excuse me, miss?
91
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:58,672
(man 2)
Waitress!
92
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,141
(people chattering)
93
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,476
We're having
fun, guys, right?
94
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,646
I mean, let's just remember
this is a charity event.
95
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,316
All right, who's got
a Marc Jacobs peacoat?
96
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,450
Oh, okay.
97
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,518
Small or medium?
98
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:13,454
(both women)
Small.
99
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,323
It's medium.
100
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,862
I wear a medium,
It's not a big deal.
101
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,531
Who's got
the Chanel jacket?
102
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:24,698
Mine!
103
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,368
That was
a trick question.
104
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:28,802
There is no Chanel.
105
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,671
Do not play me,
guys!
106
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,105
Not today!
107
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:33,206
(woman)
Miss!
108
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,075
Miss?
109
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,149
(chuckling softly)
110
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,486
(both)
I was looking for you.
111
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,020
(both)
Me too!
112
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,861
(sniffing deeply)
113
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,102
Hi.
114
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:04,372
I'm Adele.
115
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,939
I'm Ilana.
116
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:09,209
Would you wanna
split that cannoli?
117
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,480
(both moaning,
laughing lightly)
118
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,748
You wanna
get out of here?
119
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,049
(exhales sharply)
120
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,687
There you go.
Thanks.
121
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,822
Hi there.
122
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:23,957
Hey.
123
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,961
(quietly)
Be cool. Be cool.
124
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,630
Be yourself,
but be cool.
125
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,432
(hangers clattering)
126
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,834
Okay, I'm just getting
Kelly Ripa's coat.
127
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,843
All right.
128
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,546
I brought
a couple back.
129
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,680
Check these out.
130
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,517
Hmmm, none of these
are mine.
131
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,519
Could it
still be back there?
132
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:54,688
These are actually
the only ones left.
133
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,689
I'm so sorry.
134
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,858
I think someone took
yours by accident.
135
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,026
Oh.
136
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,193
(Bleep).
137
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,429
I love
that coat.
138
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,830
Oh, (bleep).
139
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,031
Huh.
140
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,834
Wait, um,
Miss Ripa?
141
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,836
I promise you
that I will--
142
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,203
I will get that coat
back for you.
143
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,505
'Cause we here
in the coat room,
144
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,206
we take these matters
very seriously.
145
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,175
And by "we,"
I mean me.
146
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,176
Okay.
147
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,779
Um, here.
148
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,114
I'm gonna write down
my information
149
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,451
in case it turns up,
okay?
150
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,687
Wow, your, um, your handwriting
is really beautiful.
151
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,088
It's like
a seven-year-old.
152
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,923
I've had a few.
(chuckling)
153
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:30,991
What's your name
again?
154
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,861
Oh,
it's Kelly.
155
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,062
(chuckling)
It's Hope.
156
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,497
It's
Faith.
157
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:37,531
Um.
158
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,199
My name,
um, is Abbi.
159
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,368
That's what
my parents gave me.
160
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,804
Okay. Well.
When I was born.
161
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,473
Nice to meet you.
Thanks.
162
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,474
Thank you.
163
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,841
You know, thank you
for your talent
164
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,978
and for
your role modelness
165
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,880
and just being like,
for being, you know--
166
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,482
(thudding)
167
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,488
(Abbi)
No.
168
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,122
Because you're
such a bobo,
169
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,124
I have the opportunity
of a lifetime
170
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:09,129
to find and return Kelly
Ripa's coat to her home, dude.
171
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,699
I mean, she, she's
America's sweetheart.
172
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,834
I really feel like
we just hit it off.
173
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,268
I'ma help you, B.
174
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,104
I'ma help you
achieve.
175
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,205
Oh,
is that a hickey?
176
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,339
It's very
seventh grade.
177
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,808
I know!
178
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:24,311
I had my first simultaneous
orgasm last night
179
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,514
and Adele and I
only kissed.
180
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,516
I think this is what
love might feel like.
181
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,518
(gasping)
Oh, my God--
Empty lounge chairs!
182
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,019
There's never
empty lounge chairs!
183
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,020
Go, go, go, go!
184
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,387
No, no, no!
No!
185
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,923
Whoo!
All right.
186
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:39,560
This is the last coat that was
left at the event last night.
187
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,896
All we have to do is find
this person, get Kelly's coat,
188
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:46,433
and then I can deliver it to her
like, beautifully toned arms.
189
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,868
Then I can die
whenever.
190
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,302
Not too soon,
please.
191
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:52,573
Also, I found
a clue.
192
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,242
Oh, my G--
Yaas!
193
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,745
**
(traffic honking)
194
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:06,053
Welcome.
(moaning suggestively)
195
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,556
Um, I think
I have your coat.
196
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:09,557
Wait.
197
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,058
You're not here
for the orgy?
198
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,060
No.
Not really.
(scoffing)
199
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,362
Maureen!
200
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:17,965
Can I help you?
201
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:19,399
Hi, uh, I think you
left your coat
202
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,101
at the charity event
last night.
203
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:25,005
No, that's my ex's.
He moved out last week.
204
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,707
That's why
I'm having an orgy.
205
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,009
I just felt so restricted in
this relationship, you know?
206
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,410
We've been
together how long?
207
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:31,579
I still never saw
his nipples.
208
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,647
How does that happen?
I don't understand that.
209
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,983
Maureen!
(cat meowing)
210
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:39,152
(chuckling)
Oh, sorry, I gotta dive
back in there.
211
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,387
Wait!
212
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,055
Do you think you could give me
his new address?
213
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,391
'Cause I need
to return this coat.
214
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,794
It's really important.
Fine.
Fine.
215
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,128
But could you drop off
some stuff he left here?
216
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,930
I'm not leaving
any time soon.
217
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,599
Okay.
Sure.
218
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,033
Cool, thanks.
219
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,136
Oh, wait.
220
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,107
Forgot his Civil War
(bleep).
221
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,643
Oh-- There's a lot of people.
Okay.
(door slamming)
222
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,912
**
223
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,382
So this coat
is yours.
224
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,619
I'm so embarrassed
I took the wrong coat.
225
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:12,653
Sorry.
226
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,622
Just one second.
227
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,523
(Maureen's ex)
So you met Maureen,
huh?
228
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:17,858
She's pretty
phenomenal.
229
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,360
We're just on kind
of a break right now,
230
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,329
but I got
her favorite dinner
231
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,732
and I think we're going to work
out all our issues tonight.
232
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,066
Hope it wasn't
too much trouble.
233
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,536
Uh, no, I would have gone
to so much worse 'cause, um,
234
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,839
that's actually
Kelly Ripa's coat.
235
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,173
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
236
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,442
This is
Kelly Ripa's coat?
237
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,510
Um.
Mm-hmm.
238
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,546
I'm an enormous
Kelly Ripa fan.
239
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,214
So is--
America's
sweetheart.
240
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,215
the nation.
241
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,651
She's my favorite.
242
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:46,153
I can't give you
the coat back, I'm sorry.
243
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,454
I'm going to have
to keep the coat.
244
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:50,157
No, you are not.
Ugh!
245
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,893
Yeah, I am gonna
keep the coat 'cause--
246
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,327
I'm sorry, sir.
No--
247
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,996
I'm not leaving
without the coat.
248
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,164
I'm keeping the coat.
249
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,166
I'm keeping it.
Yes, I am.
250
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,468
Drop the coat,
mother(bleep)!
251
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,603
Drop the (bleep)
coat!
252
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,905
(Ilana)
Oh, my God.
253
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,740
(scoffing)
The pistol doesn't
shoot, honey.
254
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,042
It's a 1782
Ketland flintlock.
255
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:10,878
It's priceless 'cause
my father gave it to me,
256
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,379
but it will
not shoot.
257
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:15,649
Okay, well, then I'm gonna--
I'm gonna smash this!
258
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:16,784
No.
259
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,118
I will shove it
through--
Don't do that!
260
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,387
I will ruin it!
Don't do that!
Okay, okay, okay!
261
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,855
Put it down.
262
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,023
Get it.
263
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,366
Jesus, who are
you guys?
264
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:36,269
Your worst
nightmare.
265
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:43,010
Okay,
hey, dude.
266
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,678
You don't need to go
to Maureen's tonight.
267
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,380
She was,
she was full.
268
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,118
She was hosting an orgy.
269
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,020
What?
Okay.
Sorry.
270
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,189
(door slamming)
271
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,691
I like
orgies.
272
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,729
Okay, so Adele is just
about to meet us.
273
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,731
I just want to let you know
that it's mostly sexual.
274
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,398
She's not
replacing you.
275
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,134
I don't feel threatened--
Thanks though.
276
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,368
I'm just surprised.
277
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,937
You never want me to meet
anybody you're with.
278
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,939
The only reason
I met Lincoln
279
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,640
is because you forgot you
were with him one time.
280
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,242
Oh, there she is.
281
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:18,311
I don't know what it
is about this girl.
282
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,748
(Abbi)
Um, I think I know
what it is.
283
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,315
Hey.
Hey.
284
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,583
Hi.
285
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,397
(both laughing breathlessly)
286
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,000
Adele,
this is Abbi.
287
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,001
Abbi, Adele.
288
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,002
Hey.
Hi.
289
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,503
So nice to finally
meet you.
290
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,438
I've heard so much about you,
seen so many photos.
291
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,774
I feel like
I already know you.
292
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,575
Yeah, it's like--
that's crazy.
293
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:49,843
I feel like
I know you too.
294
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,311
Adele, it was so nice
meeting you.
295
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,948
Um, I gotta go see about
a girl and get her coat back.
296
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,419
Dude, uh, she looks
exactly like you.
297
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,921
So.
298
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,156
See ya.
(Adele)
Bye.
299
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,364
Ooh.
300
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,399
Oh.
(both laughing)
301
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,676
Um, I'm here
to see Miss Ripa.
302
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:24,845
Right this way.
303
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,513
Okay.
304
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,816
(elevator dinging,
doors rattling)
Hi.
305
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,684
I cannot believe
you found my jacket.
306
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,854
Thank you so much.
Come on in.
307
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,923
I hope it wasn't
too much trouble.
308
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,292
No, it was the perfect
amount of troubles.
309
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:40,828
So much fun.
310
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,063
Whoa, Bed Bath and Beyond
coupons.
311
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,833
(both)
Yeah, I practically
live there.
312
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,835
That's my favorite
store.
313
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,736
You want a drink?
314
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:50,838
Yeah.
I'd-- Yeah.
315
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,106
Mark had to take
the kids to Telluride
316
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,976
for a capoeira festival,
so...
317
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:57,110
I love a cappella.
318
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,079
Hey, will you
do me a favor?
319
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,513
Can you take
your shoes off?
320
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,648
Um, sure.
321
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:04,051
Put on a pair
of those.
322
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,486
We're
a Shape-ups family.
323
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:12,525
(seductive music playing)
324
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,533
You a 28HH?
325
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,003
Yeah,
you got it.
326
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:24,704
Weird.
Me too.
327
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:30,710
You know, Kelly, I gotta say,
your apartment is beautiful.
328
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,579
Oh, thanks.
329
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:33,881
It's rent
controlled.
330
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:37,017
I only pay
600 bucks a month.
331
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:38,118
Really?
332
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,386
Of course not!
333
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,888
Prank!
334
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,389
I love pranks!
335
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,125
Oh.
Oh, my.
336
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,327
I can't believe we finished
a whole bottle already.
337
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,428
Oh.
338
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:49,696
That's okay.
339
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:52,799
I've been meaning to
crack open a special batch.
340
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,234
Here you go.
341
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,905
Whoa,
what is that?
342
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:00,707
Moonshine!
343
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,048
Oh, my God.
344
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,450
Do we have
the same exact tattoo?
345
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,752
No, that's
your arm.
346
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:13,921
Oh, right.
347
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,522
Right, right, right.
(chuckling)
348
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,828
(slurring)
Strahan keeps sending me
all these gift baskets
349
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:27,034
to butter me up because
he wants to switch sides
350
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:31,604
and everybody knows, first of
all, that I sit camera left.
351
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,940
Everyone knows that.
352
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,975
Everybody knows.
353
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,477
You know what I think
about sitting camera right?
354
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,712
I'll show you-- this--
355
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:43,083
I'll show you what I think about
sitting camera right right now.
356
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,722
Ah ha!
(thudding)
357
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,524
Oh, (bleep),
dude!
358
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,660
That's the street!
Oh, (bleep)!
359
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:54,861
I gotta take a whiz.
360
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,829
And I'll tell you what,
when I get back,
361
00:14:56,964 --> 00:15:00,067
I wanna see that big-ass
mother(bleep) basket
362
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,802
down next to my little-ass
mother(bleep) basket.
363
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,637
Are you kidding?
364
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,177
(music continuing)
365
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,282
Okay.
(clearing throat)
366
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,051
Could we turn off
the lights maybe?
367
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,553
Oh, but I wanna see
your cute little face.
368
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:21,854
Cool.
369
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,256
Uh, okay.
370
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:24,891
One second.
371
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,860
Okay.
372
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,229
Um.
373
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,797
Okay,
that's better.
374
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,378
**
375
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,256
Holy (bleep).
376
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,757
**
377
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:01,428
(Kelly)
Abbi!
378
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:08,468
What a beautiful
kitchen!
379
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,203
Thanks.
380
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,406
What, uh,
what, uh--
Oh, don't worry.
381
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,543
It'll just give us
trippier visuals.
382
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,479
Buckle up,
buttercup.
383
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,314
You only live once,
right?
384
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,916
(man)
* Break it down
break it don't stop *
385
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,685
Yes, queen.
386
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:26,919
Yes,
queen.
387
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,155
Yes, queen.
388
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:29,389
Yes,
queen.
389
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,224
* Break it down
don't stop *
390
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,459
(moaning)
391
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:35,362
* Break it down
Don't stop, don't stop **
392
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:36,429
Oh, my God.
393
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,065
Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
394
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,300
What's wrong?
Too much teeth?
395
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,169
No, the biting
was dope.
396
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,171
I just...
397
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,506
It's too weird.
398
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,275
What's too weird?
Okay.
399
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:49,742
I wanna put
this delicately
400
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,978
'cause I don't want
to freak you out too much,
401
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:56,783
but it came to my attention
that we look exactly alike.
402
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:00,320
Yeah,
no (bleep).
403
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,688
You knew?
404
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,723
I'm not blind,
I mean,
405
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,259
isn't that why you approached
me in the first place?
406
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,560
No.
407
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,762
I was drawn
to your aura.
408
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,099
And your scent,
you know.
409
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:15,402
And your curls
and your cheeks.
410
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,636
Of course
I'm drawn to myself.
411
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,105
I masturbate
in the mirror!
412
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,106
Me too!
413
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,807
That's what's
so hot about it.
414
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,509
It's like hooking up
with yourself.
415
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:23,643
I know, but--
416
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,546
I have sex with people
different from me,
417
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,880
you know?
418
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:31,618
Different colors, different
shapes, different sizes.
419
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,620
People who are
hotter, uglier.
420
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,022
More smart,
not more smart.
421
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,490
Innies, outies.
422
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,292
I don't know--
a Catholic person.
423
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,462
Nobody knows our bodies
the way that we do.
424
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,131
Look.
425
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,698
Your G spot...
426
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,901
is right here.
(gasping)
427
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,571
(sputtering)
428
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,140
Too intense.
Too intense.
429
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,407
Oh, my God.
430
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,008
I lost my vision.
431
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,177
Yeah,
for a second.
432
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,711
I don't know
though.
433
00:17:58,811 --> 00:17:59,712
I don't know.
434
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,381
It's like,
creepy to me.
435
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,949
I'm sorry.
436
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:05,152
That's lame,
but yeah.
437
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,788
Listen.
438
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,790
We should still
stay in touch
439
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,792
for organ donation
or jury duty.
440
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,595
Mm-hmm.
441
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:16,596
You want?
442
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:17,864
Oh, no.
443
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,066
I don't smoke pot.
444
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:28,341
I gotta say, like,
you're much wilder than I...
445
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,477
(air puffing)
446
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,512
(both laughing drunkenly)
447
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,614
You're, like, much wilder
than I thought you were.
448
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:37,217
Like, I didn't know.
I know.
449
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:38,718
(slurring)
A lot of people think
that because
450
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:41,388
I'm on the "morning show"
451
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:45,024
that I have to be like,
America's good girl.
452
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,058
Totally.
453
00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:48,861
And I'm just like,
at this place in my life
454
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,730
where I've accomplished
a lot.
455
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:51,964
So much, man.
456
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,200
Yeah.
457
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,868
I literally don't even
give any (bleep).
458
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,971
Like,
I hate (bleep).
459
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,740
They're the worst.
460
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,342
Seriously, you have
to pull me harder
461
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,044
'cause I can't even get into
a full pretzel like this.
462
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,213
What do you mean?
463
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,480
What is a pretzel?
464
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:09,982
Why are we
doing this?
Stretch.
465
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,818
I like it,
but what is it?
466
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,886
(elevator dings,
door opens)
467
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,957
(Kelly laughs drunkenly)
468
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,526
Abbi.
469
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,029
You get first pick.
(chuckling)
470
00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:25,932
First... ?
471
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,967
I...
472
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:33,473
I, like, haven't waxed my body
in a long time, you know?
473
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:37,410
So like, I gotta,
I gotta be going.
474
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,446
Thank you so much.
No.
475
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,613
For like, everything.
476
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,849
All the drugs
and stuff.
Abbi, no.
477
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:45,485
I have to.
No, Abbi, no!
478
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,719
Abbi!
(foot stomping)
479
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,021
I ordered Domino's
for after!
480
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,727
You know, maybe I should
have (bleep) that prostitute.
481
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:59,065
I mean, he was actually kind
of hot in like, a scary way.
482
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:01,534
And I bet he doesn't even
care if I waxed or not.
483
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,003
They don't care
if you're waxed.
484
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:07,340
Listen, if a prostitute's
what you want,
485
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,576
I can make that happen.
486
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,444
Really?
487
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,545
Yeah.
488
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:13,546
That'd be insane.
489
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:14,881
That'd be, like,
so badass.
490
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,683
I can make
the call.
491
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:20,219
They could get here
in 25 minutes.
492
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,588
For real?
493
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:22,755
Yeah.
494
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:24,924
Grab my phone.
495
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:25,992
I'll do it.
496
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,665
Here goes.
497
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,966
We get to pick
what they look like?
498
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,167
We get to pick
our names?
499
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:38,271
Fuerta
would be my name.
500
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,339
Charlie.
501
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,207
Oof.
As a girl.
502
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:42,208
Ooh.
503
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,644
All right, I'm gonna
be spontaneous.
504
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,978
Let's go.
Go. Call.
505
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:46,979
Okay,
here we go.
506
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,915
Own up.
I'm ready.
507
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,684
Okay, I don't know
any prostitutes.
508
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,052
You're letting me
make the call!
509
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:55,322
I don't know!
You were going with it!
510
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,657
I just wanted to see
what would happen!
511
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,560
Kelly has really
changed you.
512
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:05,565
Do you know someone you could
call to make the call?
513
00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:24,150
Jesus
of Nazareth.
514
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,985
Or Kanye West.
515
00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:28,721
Jesus or Yeezus--
You decide.
33702
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