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1
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:18,018
(cheering)
2
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,520
It's the little
American.
3
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,854
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
4
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,723
(both)
Jaime, what's wrong?
5
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,825
Well, I, um,
I failed the test.
6
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,160
(both gasp)
7
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,096
And I'm getting
deported.
8
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,998
Jaime, those old white dudes
are impossible to tell apart.
9
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,366
I know, babe,
I know.
10
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,835
(sniffling)
11
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,170
Just kidding!
12
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,605
I passed the test!
13
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,940
Ah...
Oh, man!
14
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,875
Tomorrow I become
a true American.
15
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,144
I got you,
I got you, I got you!
16
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:44,812
Yeah, Jaime!
I believed you...
17
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,847
It was scary.
18
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:48,882
My heart,
it was exploding.
19
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,118
I'm so sorry.
20
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,352
It's so good, though.
21
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,554
Hemos, tonight is
going to be a night
22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,557
that you are never,
ever gonna forget.
23
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,959
We are going to sail right past
the Statue of Liberty,
24
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,994
like the true American
immigrants did.
25
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,596
It's unbelievable that
we live in a city
26
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:06,700
where our ancestors
passed through Ellis Island.
27
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,869
Yeah...
Mine didn't.
28
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,441
Right.
Right, right, right.
29
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,043
(men)
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
30
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,683
So, Melody can only
put my name on the list
31
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,985
because her law firm's like,
really strict and rich,
32
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,454
or whatever,
but it should be fine.
33
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,156
Dude, Melody owes you.
34
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,524
Her boyfriend lives
in your apartment...
35
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,025
Like, completely free.
36
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,462
I wonder if that Aryan ghost
will even appear tonight.
37
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,763
No, Melody's
gonna be here.
38
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,165
She e-mailed me to tell me
there's gonna be like,
39
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,234
all this free booze
and all this free food.
40
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,203
I brought Ziplocs,
pass it down.
41
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:47,241
Okay, have fun.
42
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,376
Name.
43
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:51,345
Hello, I am Abbi Abrams,
thank you.
44
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:53,547
A...
45
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,416
No, no, no, no,
I don't see it.
46
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,218
It's Abbi
with an "i".
47
00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:58,419
Uh, nope.
48
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,453
How are you possibly
reading all the names?
49
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,754
You're going so fast.
50
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,991
I-- this is my space,
so just, please.
Okay.
51
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,093
Oh, there it is, okay.
Yes.
52
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,395
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
53
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,930
But it's not
plus three, so...
54
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:14,235
Okay, um, I have an assistant,
and they called.
55
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,237
Chrissy,
did you not call...
56
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:20,007
to change the confirmation
like I asked you to?
57
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:24,512
Did you mess up
my plans once again
58
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:28,048
and not call to change?
59
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,550
I'm so sorry,
I forgot.
60
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,751
We're trying to get
on the boat.
61
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,221
This is an important
business boat meeting.
62
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:34,922
Just please don't hit me
in front of everybody.
63
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,691
You know what, your mom died
two weeks ago, Chrissy!
64
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,893
Get your (bleep) together!
I'm so sorry.
65
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,961
No, it's fine.
66
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,396
Just get on the boat,
just get on the boat.
67
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,864
I don't care.
All right, we'll
deal with this later.
68
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:46,934
I don't care.
Okay, thank you.
69
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,869
I want to
give this to you.
70
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:49,870
Bye-bye, balloons.
71
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:50,871
Wait up.
72
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:51,872
* Cha-cha cha-cha
cha cha *
73
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,141
* Cha-cha cha-cha cha *
74
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,276
**
75
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,253
(laughing)
76
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,431
It's fantastic.
77
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,400
You have like,
a full-blown family.
78
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,269
Well...
How old is your daughter?
79
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,103
Well, she was born
in Q-3 of '012,
80
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:26,640
so she's
11-quarters old.
81
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,876
(Lincoln)
Maybe I should start wearing
belts with seafood on 'em.
82
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:33,881
I bet every guy on this boat
is into Annas with bananas.
83
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:34,915
Huh?
84
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:38,352
Denises with penises.
85
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,120
Gals with dongs, bro.
86
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,154
Oh.
87
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:43,324
Lawyers love 'em,
so hot.
88
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:46,294
You say that about every single
white-collar professional.
89
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,997
(scoffing)
90
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,031
So, where do
you guys live?
91
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,367
(together)
Murray Hill.
92
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,703
But I'm moving
to Williamsburg!
93
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,509
This is gonna
take forever.
94
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:02,943
You know what, Jaime,
this is your night.
95
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,077
You're not
waiting in line
96
00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:05,979
like some bridge
and tunnel club meet.
97
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,315
It's okay.
Yeah, you know what,
98
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:08,816
why don't you guys
go check out the view?
99
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:09,850
We'll wait it out.
What do you want?
100
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:10,884
Really?
101
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,920
Yeah.
102
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,688
Okay, I want a gin and vodka
maraschino sizzle,
103
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:17,224
okay, with curacao,
and a...
104
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,327
and a little splash
of crème de menthe.
105
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,194
That sounds good.
I'll have one, too.
106
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,430
Okay.
Two, coming up.
107
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:23,764
Okay, bye.
108
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,032
They are totally
getting beer.
109
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,667
(Bevers)
Hey, Abi-dab!
110
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,769
Oh, Bevers.
111
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,972
Melody and I have been looking
for you guys everywhere.
112
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,174
She just went to the can,
she had to take a doody.
113
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,444
I'm sure she'll be
so happy you told us.
114
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:38,245
You guys aren't waiting in line
for the bar, are you?
115
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:39,580
You don't
have to do that.
116
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,715
(whispering)
I know where they
keep the liquor.
117
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,116
Um, we're fine,
waiting.
118
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,619
What? No. Trust me,
I've sailed on this boat
119
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,655
with Melody
for 12 quarters now.
120
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,256
I know all its secrets.
121
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,959
The captain
is a murderer.
122
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:52,993
What?
Really?
123
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:56,830
(mocking)
Yeah, really.
124
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,633
They don't let murderers
be captains.
125
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,134
Come on, let's go.
126
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,503
Come on, let's get
some stuff.
127
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,405
Come on, come on.
128
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,293
Ah... all right.
129
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,167
Whoa!
130
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,970
Whoa, Bevers.
131
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,239
You actually
pulled through.
132
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,875
Abbi, you never
give me enough credit.
133
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,845
I got moves
you never seen.
134
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,147
Okay, let's just get
the drinks and go, all right?
135
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,215
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
136
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,519
(bottles clanking)
137
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,720
This is good.
Okay.
138
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,455
This is good.
139
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,159
(door clanking)
140
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,629
It's locked?
141
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,797
It's not my fault.
142
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,666
Help, somebody!
143
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,468
Rape! Rape!
144
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,702
Dude!
145
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,337
You're supposed to yell
"rape" in emergencies.
146
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,473
No, it's "fire,"
you yell "fire."
147
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,542
Oh, fine.
Fire!
148
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,343
Fire!
Hello!
149
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,678
Wait, wait,
move out of the way.
150
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:18,712
I'm gonna ram the door.
151
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,782
The man is gonna
ram the door.
152
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,452
Wanna see me ram it?
153
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:28,088
Ah!
(bleep)
154
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,089
(Bevers moaning)
155
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,090
(Abbi)
Are you okay?
156
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,792
Well, yeah.
157
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:32,993
Fire!
158
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,362
Fire and rape!
159
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,465
Rape and fire!
160
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:38,666
Fire rape!
161
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,236
I honestly have
always thought
162
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,639
that we'd die in
each other's arms at sea.
163
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,007
Ah! Balls.
164
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,611
Sorry, Abbi, I broke your
Starbucks gift card.
165
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,613
Bevers, I still had
$17 on that.
166
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:53,714
Well, maybe now
you can
167
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,583
start supporting
local businesses.
168
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,951
Listen, there are 250
lawyers on this boat.
169
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,687
These guys drink a lot.
170
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:02,289
So, if each one of them has at
least three drinks per hour,
171
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:05,559
that's 750 drinks
every hour.
172
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:08,028
What is this,
the 2400 point SAT?
173
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,062
(mocking)
No, silly.
174
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,531
(normal voice)
It's simple math.
175
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:13,734
They're gonna have to restock
the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.
176
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,136
We only wanna hang out with
each other anyway, right?
177
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,506
(chuckling)
178
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:19,740
So, what's the vibe
gonna be like
179
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,742
at the naturalization
ceremony?
180
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,612
Can I wear my American flag tie,
or would that be too gauche?
181
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:28,516
Hold on, I'm gonna be wearing
my American flag contact lenses.
182
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,517
Yeah, they burn me
very badly.
183
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,818
I should stop.
184
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,687
Hey, cheers to you, dude,
for becoming a citizen,
185
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,057
and also to me-- this is
my first time ever on a boat.
186
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,892
No, really?
187
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,127
No, prank, man.
188
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,261
I'm a well-to-do
dentist,
189
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,996
of course I've been
on a boat before.
190
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,598
Ah, you got me.
Cheers.
191
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:49,537
That is how we cheers
in Latin America.
192
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:52,005
Really?
No, man, prank, bitch.
193
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,040
(both laughing)
194
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,075
I'm stealin' that one.
195
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,112
(Abbi)
Okay, I got one.
196
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:02,249
Captain Morgan...
197
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:07,220
Jack Daniels,
Svedka vodka, robot...
198
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,556
(Ilana)
Easy-- kill the dudes,
199
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,759
(bleep) and marry
that robot.
200
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,060
You guys know that
human-robot marriage
201
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,664
is gonna be the civil rights
issue of our lifetime?
202
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:17,831
Oh, really?
203
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,066
(Bevers)
I got one.
204
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:23,937
Would you rather
drink a cup of mayonnaise,
205
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,374
or a cup of jazz?
206
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:28,942
What the (bleep)
is jazz?
207
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,912
You know, you jerk off
and jazz shoots out.
208
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,081
I knew that that was
gonna be something awful.
209
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,683
Why did we ask?
210
00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:36,917
I like to call it jazz
211
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,186
because it comes
out of my horn
212
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,254
and you never know
where it's gonna go.
213
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,024
That is so gross.
214
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,593
(with patois accent)
Me hearing a lot of chitchat.
215
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:49,096
Me don't hear you answering
that question, why?
216
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,664
And you never will.
217
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,032
I would chug the jazz.
218
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,602
(chuckling)
219
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,604
(Jaime)
Lincoln, can I tell you
a secret?
220
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,672
I want to practice talking
in an American accent,
221
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,107
but I'm very scared.
222
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,743
You're in international waters,
man, spread your wings.
223
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,045
Okay, I do this
for you.
224
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,614
Um...
225
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:10,483
(American accent)
I love hamburgers...
226
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:13,353
and I love DUI's.
227
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,255
(man)
Hey, bro, do I know you
from Michigan State?
228
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,790
Were you Delta Sig?
229
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,292
Eh...
230
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,261
(American accent)
That's correct, bro-sef.
231
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,264
I was a frat bro
upon the campus.
232
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,633
I knew it.
233
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:36,644
Uh, Abbi, I don't think
anybody washed those.
234
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:40,380
I don't even care,
I am so hungry right now.
235
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,517
You're in luck,
you can eat some of my shrimp.
236
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:47,220
Bevers, why do you
have shrimp in your pocket?
237
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,122
Because the shrimp
is always the first thing
238
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,858
to get eaten on
these boats.
239
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,393
I gave you a Ziploc
this morning, did I not?
240
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:57,097
And she is occupato.
241
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,966
You're welcome.
242
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,968
Dude, check this out.
243
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,536
(Abbi)
Oh, my God.
244
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:04,705
Whoopsie.
245
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,740
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
246
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,778
I'm gonna propose
to Melody tonight.
247
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,814
(vocalizing dramatic fanfare)
Bom-bom bwooom.
248
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:17,584
I really haven't
thought about it,
249
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,720
but I'd be
Posh Spice.
250
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,988
Oh, you're so Posh Spice.
251
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,589
I wish there could've been
like, a Latina one
252
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,224
called "The Spicy Spice,"
253
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,726
but this is just
a fantasy of mine.
254
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,995
Open your eyes, man.
255
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:31,164
Shakira is
Spicy Spice.
256
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,500
Oh... my God.
257
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,202
You're a genius.
258
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:36,603
Wait, this is insane.
259
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,739
I mean, have you even
talked to Melody about this?
260
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:42,275
No, but we've been dating
for like, 12 quarters.
261
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,845
I mean, three years.
262
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:45,979
It just feels
like it's time.
263
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,447
Besides, we already
live together.
264
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,183
No, you do not
live together.
265
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,584
You have your
own apartment.
266
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:52,920
Jesus!
267
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,191
Does this mean that
you'd be moving out?
268
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,659
I've been dreading
this conversation,
269
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:04,231
but, yeah, I know,
I feel sad about it, too.
270
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,465
I actually wanted to
ask you, though,
271
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:08,268
if you would
be my best man.
272
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,137
Bevers, you have
four brothers.
273
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:13,941
But, I feel like you're the one
who really, really gets me.
274
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,175
When we get
out of here,
275
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,845
I'm gonna pop the big "Q"
in front of everybody.
276
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,080
I already worked it
all out with the DJ.
277
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,082
I'm such a showboat.
278
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,217
This is rude, I'm sorry,
but bride marriage
279
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,219
keeps women
treated like property.
280
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,888
I thought all women
wanted to get married.
281
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,824
Wake up, Bevers.
Yeah, one day.
282
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,393
No offense, but women
don't hit their sexual peak
283
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:37,430
until their
extremely late 30's.
284
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,966
I just feel like
you guys are young
285
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,034
to be lockin' it down.
286
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,336
Government-mandated monogamy
is for old people,
287
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,774
like Facebook invites
or network TV.
288
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,809
Or it's not, Ilana.
289
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,278
Bevers,
you love this woman.
290
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,381
She is your lock
and key.
291
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:56,383
Marry her, start
a new life together,
292
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,251
get a new apartment.
293
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,788
Go for it, man.
294
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:04,491
I'm the king of America!
295
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:05,859
All right, switch,
now I get to be Rose.
296
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:06,894
Okay, okay.
297
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,061
I'm confused.
298
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,264
You and Lincoln seem like
a pretty serious couple.
299
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:12,565
We're sex friends--
300
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:17,304
although we haven't had sex
in like, four days.
301
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,807
You know, today I was
actually with him all day,
302
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,575
but I didn't see
his dick once.
303
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,444
Melody and I
haven't had sex in weeks,
304
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,512
on purpose, though.
305
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:26,546
It's called "edging."
306
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,580
Edging?
307
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:28,715
It's like when you
308
00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:30,283
get yourself
super aroused,
309
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,219
but you don't blow
your orgasm,
310
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:33,854
you never
blow your orgasm.
311
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,422
You know how whales
have that blow hole?
312
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,824
Yeah, o-okay.
313
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:40,393
Ab, do you think Lincoln and I
are like a "couple"?
314
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,728
I don't know, I mean,
you've been spending
315
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,196
a lot more time with him
lately, right?
316
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,464
And if you're
not having sex,
317
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,566
he's either your boyfriend
or your best friend.
318
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,600
Ow!
319
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:48,836
You are my best friend!
320
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,971
Don't you ever call
anybody else that!
321
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,372
What the (bleep)?
322
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,241
He's not my
boyfriend!
323
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,409
I'm wild and I'm free!
324
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,312
I'm a sexual X-man,
I'm Wolverine.
325
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,414
I'm Vulva-rine.
326
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,883
(Bevers with British accent)
Me thinks the lady
327
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:06,286
doth protest too much.
328
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,587
Ew!
329
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,356
(screaming)
330
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:15,095
Let us out!
331
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,396
God!
332
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,331
Jesus.
333
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:22,069
What are you guys
doing in there?
334
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,703
It smells like
balls in here.
335
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,440
No, no!
My insulin!
336
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,443
(Ilana)
If Lincoln and I are a couple,
337
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,713
it's like, why did my ancestors
even come here?
338
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:34,882
(Abbi)
I don't know.
339
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,950
Why don't you just
have sex with Lincoln?
340
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:39,219
And then you're back
to being friends, right?
341
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,889
You got beauty,
you got brains,
342
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:42,923
you're a (bleep)
genius.
343
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,024
Do you want a kiss?
344
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,658
That's okay.
Are you sure?
345
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,094
Abbi! Ilana!
346
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,696
Oh...
Saved by the bell.
347
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,498
The boys with
the penises!
348
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:52,632
Where have you been?
349
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,634
Oh, it's coming.
350
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,736
(Lincoln)
We were looking
everywhere for you.
351
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,639
Except, we forgot to
look for you.
352
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,175
Hey, do either of you two
have like, a knife?
353
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,511
Because me and Lincoln
want to become blood brothers.
354
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,512
Blood brothers.
355
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,180
(Abbi)
I have an idea.
356
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,717
* We should drink more,
ooh, whoa... *
357
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,719
* Oh, oh, whoa-oh *
358
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:15,923
Let's go, I'll go
get some drinks.
359
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,958
Not you,
you little bois.
360
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,127
We are gonna do it,
right now.
Yeah?
361
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,794
P to P.
P to P?
362
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,063
Pubes to pubes.
Pubes...
363
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,197
Come on.
364
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:25,432
That's a weird way
to say that, but...
365
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,368
**
366
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,583
Hey! There are
people (bleep) in here!
367
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,651
Rude!
368
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,222
(man)
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
369
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,091
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
370
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,659
Oh! Ah, yeah!
371
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,630
Oh, hey,
what's up, man?
372
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:58,765
I remember you
from earlier.
373
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,500
He's a nice guy.
What's up, man?
374
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,970
Y'all have a good one.
Enjoy.
375
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,005
**
376
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,077
(klaxon sounding)
377
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:15,182
(on PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going down.
378
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:16,383
I'm kidding!
379
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:17,550
You all know what
that sound means--
380
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,220
it's a love emergency!
381
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,322
And we're gonna need
Mattie Bevers to the mic.
382
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,992
Help me bring Bevers up here,
ladies and gentlemen!
383
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,093
Bevers!
384
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:29,196
(chanting)
Bevers! Bevers!
385
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,697
(whispering)
Abbi, I don't think
I can do this.
386
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,499
Yes, you can,
you can marry Melody
387
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,567
and you can build a life
that is-- that is
388
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,869
completely outside
of my apartment.
389
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,571
No!
Tell her what you told me...
390
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,840
all night long.
391
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:44,644
(DJ)
There he is!
There's the man of the hour!
392
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,014
Do it,
you can do this.
393
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,682
(cheering and clapping)
394
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:53,286
Hi, uh, tonight
395
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,088
is a very
special night,
396
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:58,925
because of
a very special lady,
397
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:01,661
Melody, are you here?
398
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,031
Whoo!
Okay, great.
399
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:07,534
Uh, Melody, tonight,
we're on a boat...
400
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,801
(man)
Whoo!
401
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,172
On the water,
nice facilities,
402
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:15,408
great crew,
beautiful skyline.
403
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:23,150
Uh, yeah, so Abbi...
404
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,618
is my best man.
405
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:28,655
Abbi's the man,
Abbi's the man.
406
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:29,822
She's the man.
407
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,659
(whooping and clapping)
408
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,895
Abbi...
409
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,065
Abbi's transitioning
into becoming a man,
410
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,433
and I'm just so proud of her.
What?
411
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,635
(whispering)
You talk now, your turn.
412
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,770
(whooping and clapping)
413
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,605
(DJ)
Come on out here
and talk to us.
414
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,874
Come on, give it up
for Andy!
415
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:54,081
Thank you, um...
416
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,282
Uh...
417
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:01,754
Okay, yeah...
418
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,491
It's true.
419
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,959
It's true.
420
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:10,163
Uh, I'm becoming a man!
421
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:13,966
I am becoming...
422
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,668
a man!
423
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,274
Abbi, I need you
to go talk to Melody.
424
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,844
She's in the bathroom again,
but she's not doodying.
425
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,347
She thought I was
gonna propose,
426
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,483
and she says I embarrassed her
in front of her whole firm.
427
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,119
Why didn't you
propose?
428
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,186
Because of you.
429
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,387
You and Ilana
made me realize
430
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,555
that we shouldn't be
getting married yet.
431
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:36,756
We're too young.
432
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,158
So, you told everyone
I'm transitioning
433
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:39,959
into becoming a man.
434
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,628
All the lawyers
are now into me.
435
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,331
Oh, you're way too good
for any of these lawyers.
436
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,799
Thanks.
437
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,268
Please,
will you help me?
438
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,903
I love Melody so much,
but she won't talk to me.
439
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,005
Can you just go talk
girl stuff to her?
440
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,577
Fine.
441
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:58,745
Don't get too sloppy.
442
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:01,348
I need you to be
on top of your game.
443
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,285
Melody, it's Abbi.
444
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,655
I just wanna say first
that I'm not--
445
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,056
I'm not becoming a man.
446
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:13,393
That was weird
and confusing.
447
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,562
But I-- I know
that you're upset,
448
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,864
um, and it's none
of my business,
449
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,832
but I know how much
Bevers loves you,
450
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,769
and I know that you--
you love him, too,
451
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,471
for some reason,
and as much as I hate
452
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,173
that he's always
in our apartment,
453
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:30,177
'cause it's a lot--
he's there a lot.
454
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,944
Like, listen, I think
we need to actually schedule
455
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,647
a time to talk about that,
like, just the two of us,
456
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:37,817
'cause he just eats
all of my stuff.
457
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:41,388
He's not my cup of tea,
but he really cares about you.
458
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:44,023
And I just hope
that you know that
459
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,593
even though he
didn't propose,
460
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,529
that doesn't make what you
guys have any less special.
461
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,599
It doesn't.
462
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,068
I would love for someone
to love me like that.
463
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,937
I love you like that.
464
00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,640
Ilana?
What the (bleep).
465
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,742
Don't be mad,
please.
466
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,110
Were you having
sex in there?
467
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,345
We were just
wiping up.
468
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:06,646
Where the (bleep)
is Melody?
469
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:10,483
Hi.
470
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,319
(Ilana)
Jaime, I am so sorry.
471
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,787
We almost missed
this moment.
472
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:17,924
Tonight, you know, I ate
for free, I drank for free.
473
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,025
I made out with a very
straight man
474
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,928
by the fire
extinguisher, too.
475
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,464
This is what America
is really about, I think.
476
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:28,635
Abbi, thank you so much
for talking to Melody for me.
477
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,537
I did not
talk to Melody.
478
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,273
I have not seen her
at all tonight.
479
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,541
Oh, really?
480
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,743
Well, somebody must've
sweet-talked her,
481
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,479
'cause we just
boned in a lifeboat.
482
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,748
There was so much jazz.
483
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:42,915
(shivering)
484
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,317
There she is.
485
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,386
Oh, she's so beautiful.
486
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,921
(orchestra playing
"America the Beautiful")
487
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:52,825
(Lincoln)
Ow, my dick.
488
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:54,261
It's too romantic,
I'm sorry.
489
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,028
Ah, we just had sex.
490
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,297
It's still sore.
491
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,932
I'm in my refractory period,
you gotta let me rebuild.
492
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,234
Fine,
I'll be gentler.
493
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:01,268
Fine,
I'll be gentler.
(orchestra playing
"America the Beautiful")
494
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:04,036
(orchestra playing
"America the Beautiful")
495
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,872
Ah, romantic again.
Ilana!
496
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,409
(man on PA)
Frederick Chu.
497
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:10,543
(applause)
498
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:12,712
Alia Hanoon.
499
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,046
(Ilana)
Cute. I'm into it.
500
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:15,482
(Abbi)
Oh, my God.
501
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:16,483
That's disgusting.
502
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,918
That's disgusting,
right?
503
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,487
Oh, Guy Fieri.
504
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,855
I could roll with that,
he's go a good life.
505
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:27,760
He's always in that
convertible, gettin' food.
506
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,129
Oh, my God, you look
so good with Bieber hair.
507
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,064
You should honestly get that
now, I'm not even kidding.
508
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,266
Ew, no.
509
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,901
I really feel like
you fit as these dudes.
510
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:35,968
I-- I'd (bleep) 'em all.
511
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,537
I really
appreciate that,
512
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:42,074
but I think it's more important
for me to be a woman right now.
513
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,242
Lincoln, did you
see this?
514
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,011
I'm sorry,
I'm too hung over.
515
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:48,548
My eyes can't focus
on a fixed point right now.
516
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,550
(man on PA)
Jaime Castro.
517
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:53,219
(cheering)
518
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,821
Ow! Ow!
519
00:20:55,555 --> 00:21:00,192
(triumphant fanfare)
520
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,433
(vocalizing)
521
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:07,867
* Ow! *
522
00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:13,506
* Hoo!
523
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,842
* Ow!
524
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,478
* Now
525
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,980
* Ow!
526
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,082
* Ow! Hoo! *
36241
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