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1
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:12,100
(message tone)
2
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,767
What up, queen?
3
00:00:13,867 --> 00:00:15,400
Ab?
4
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:16,467
Abbi?
5
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,167
(giggling)
6
00:00:18,267 --> 00:00:19,300
Uh-oh.
7
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,700
Guess what I got.
8
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,867
Bam!
9
00:00:23,967 --> 00:00:26,000
A mother(bleep)
nose ring!
10
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,000
What?
11
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:28,533
A nose ring, dude?
12
00:00:28,633 --> 00:00:31,633
I mean, that's very hot
and 2004 of you, but...
13
00:00:31,733 --> 00:00:32,800
when did
this happen?
14
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:33,833
Last night.
15
00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:34,867
How are
you not excited?
16
00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:36,400
I have an earring&
17
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:38,167
in my nose!
18
00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:39,167
I just thought you were
going to a boring
19
00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:40,267
white people dinner.
20
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:41,500
I didn't realize
you were gonna
21
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,000
add a whole new
element to your image.
22
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,800
No, me neither, but then
we ended up on St. Mark's and&
23
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,100
Please, don't
tell me.
24
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,100
I'm gonna have FOMO
for the rest of my life.
25
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,300
FOMO?
26
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,367
Fear Of Missing Out,
Grandma.
27
00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,533
Ugh, why
did I "stay in"
28
00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:57,667
and "organize my
life?"
29
00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,167
Wait, did you stay in
and organize your life?
30
00:01:00,267 --> 00:01:01,700
Yeah, I got a lot
done, actually.
31
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,700
I reinforced all the boob
buttons on my button-downs
32
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,400
and I wiped down every
surface of my apartment.
33
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,867
Combined all the weed
remnants
34
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:10,167
to make one
giant super blunt.
35
00:01:10,267 --> 00:01:11,967
That is insane.
36
00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:13,933
I cannot wait to smoke that
one day after work.
37
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:15,133
Work?
38
00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:16,867
Jesus, fu--
39
00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:18,633
I knew I was forgetting
something.
40
00:01:18,733 --> 00:01:22,067
Ugh, yeah, try not to pierce
your pussy while I'm gone.
41
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:23,300
Ew, what?
42
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,833
Did you just leave?
43
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:31,467
Yow!
44
00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:34,067
* Four and three and two
and one *
45
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:42,167
All right, Maria,
so it's your first day.
46
00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:43,333
I wanna to show you
the ropes.
47
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,333
There's a lot of stuff
that we need to go over.
48
00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:46,333
Uh, first off.
49
00:01:46,433 --> 00:01:47,333
Trash.
50
00:01:47,433 --> 00:01:48,367
When you empty
the trash,
51
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:49,633
you just gotta
really dig through.
52
00:01:49,733 --> 00:01:50,667
Sometimes people throw
towels in.
53
00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:51,733
They don't get
that there's, like,
54
00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:52,800
two different areas.
(Trey)
Abbi.
55
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:54,667
You're fired.
56
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:56,667
What?
I'm kidding, bazinga.
57
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:58,200
Come on.
Oh.
58
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,667
I don't know what
that means.
59
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,067
(laughing)
60
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,600
You are so funny,
seriously,
61
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,667
but we got a big
ol' cleaning disaster.
62
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,367
Somebody barfed on an
exercise ball
63
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:09,067
and then it bounced
down two flights of stairs.
64
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,133
So if you could grab your
dust brush or whatever
65
00:02:11,233 --> 00:02:12,200
and get on it.
Right.
66
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,133
It's actually
not a dust brush job.
67
00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:15,933
Well, that's gonna be a good
one for you to jump in on.
68
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,467
You know, get
your feet wet right away.
69
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,100
Oh my God, Abbi, we have
to dish.
70
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,200
I heard one of
the cleaners got a nose ring.
71
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,333
What is it, 2004?
72
00:02:24,433 --> 00:02:26,500
Uh.. rea... cool.
73
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,067
You didn't recognize
me, did you?
No.
74
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:29,267
I love it.
75
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:31,367
A lot.
Yeah, I feel
like a different girl.
76
00:02:31,467 --> 00:02:32,667
(chuckles)
I have a question.
77
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:35,067
Are you, um, going to go to
Trey's party tonight?
78
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:36,600
I don't think he really
wants me there.
79
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,300
I feel like it
was like, a pity invite.
80
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,433
Are you insane?
81
00:02:40,533 --> 00:02:43,467
No.
Abbi, you're one of Trey's
best friends.
82
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,400
All he does is
talk about how funny you are.
83
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:47,400
Like, all the time.
84
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,200
I mean, I'm pretty sure
I'm not funny--
85
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,933
(laughing)
Oh my God, you are so weird.
86
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:53,933
I love it.
87
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:55,733
You have
to come, seriously.
88
00:02:55,833 --> 00:02:59,567
Abbi, it is going to be
off the damn chain.
89
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,100
Absolutely.
90
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,067
I'll go demand it... now.
91
00:03:22,533 --> 00:03:23,600
Hello?
92
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:26,500
Hello?
93
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,667
(Derek)
You gotta
convince yourself
94
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:29,633
that you are still
worth something.
95
00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:31,067
(door sliding open)
96
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,067
Hey, you guys.
97
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,067
What is this place?
98
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,100
It's the conference
room.
99
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,800
We have
meetings here every day.
100
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,333
Got it, got it,
cool.
101
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:40,133
Well, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
102
00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:43,533
You sort of are, we were all
just B-storming different deals
103
00:03:43,633 --> 00:03:45,133
we could go after in
Hell's Kitchen.
104
00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:46,133
Cool, cool, cool.
105
00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:48,233
I do have
a horrible emergency.
106
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,900
Okay, so my best friend Abbi is
going to a hot party tonight
107
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,167
and now I gotta
leave right now.
108
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:58,667
("Flight Of The Bumblebees"
playing)
109
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,700
Okay, you can go,
110
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,067
but only because
you closed
111
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,067
that keratin pube
straightening deal.
112
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,300
Thanks, D.,
thanks for understanding.
113
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,767
Oh, Nicole, I left
a hardboiled egg in our cube.
114
00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:16,967
You can have it&
115
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,067
if you can
find it.
116
00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:25,400
**
117
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,067
(Abbi)
Why does Trey live
next to Port Authority?
118
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,933
Um...
119
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:31,533
(groaning)
120
00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:34,067
You know what, I think that
this, um...
121
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,833
this is going to be
the opportunity for me
122
00:04:36,933 --> 00:04:38,100
to hang out with Trey
123
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,067
and just like, finally spill
the beans that, like,
124
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,367
I wanna be an
instructor-slash-trainer.
125
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:45,733
Hell yeah, dude,
carpe damn.
126
00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:47,067
And it's not
going to be weird
127
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,633
because you'll be telling
a friend and not a boss.
128
00:04:48,733 --> 00:04:49,900
Exactly.
129
00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:52,233
And tonight, I can already
tell it's gonna be
130
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,833
so much more
fun than a nose piercing.
131
00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:56,067
Hey.
132
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,500
Hey.
133
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,633
Abbi, put those away.
134
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:02,300
I'm kidding,
you're at a party, come on.
135
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,133
We should do something awesome
for Trey's birthday--
136
00:05:04,233 --> 00:05:06,300
Are we
extremely early?
137
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,533
Nope, you're
the last to arrive.
138
00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,700
Hey, guys,
look who's here.
139
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,467
We have to go.
Okay, we just got here.
140
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:14,133
I'm embarrassed to
be here.
141
00:05:14,233 --> 00:05:16,933
Ilana, you're
being... intolerant.
142
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,200
(gasps)
143
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:19,333
Trey.
144
00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:20,967
I love your place.
145
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,533
You know what, also,
we brought wine,
146
00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:24,233
so I'm gonna go
open it in the kitchen.
147
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:26,133
(Trey)
Abbi, come on,
join the party, jump in.
148
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,600
Psych!
149
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:32,933
So, Abbi, help yourself to any
of the snacks here.
150
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,333
We got Clif Bars for
the guys, Lunas for the girls.
151
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,167
Good choice.
152
00:05:39,633 --> 00:05:40,900
(gasps)
What a freak.
153
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,733
Yo, Mama.
154
00:05:43,833 --> 00:05:45,100
Hey.
155
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,333
We should
definitely dish.
156
00:05:47,433 --> 00:05:48,333
About&?
157
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:50,433
Anything,
girl stuff, whatever.
158
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:53,233
Um, okay.
Okay.
159
00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:54,333
Okay.
Okay.
160
00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:55,600
You know what I was
thinking is...
161
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,100
I would definitely rather
turn into a little old man
162
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,467
than a
little old woman,
163
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:02,067
but I'm not going to be able
to help it, you know?
164
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,800
Oh my God.
165
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:05,067
Yes!
166
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:07,833
Okay, you're weird
and I literally love you.
167
00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:09,867
This is a party, girl.
168
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:11,767
Do you ever straighten
your hair, though?
169
00:06:11,867 --> 00:06:14,533
Oh, I just tried that for
work, actually.
170
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:15,900
Wait, do you
mean my head hair?
171
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,800
No.
Oh!
(laughing)
172
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,467
All right, Abbi,
pick a hand.
173
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,067
Um, I don't know.
174
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,333
Right... left?
175
00:06:24,433 --> 00:06:27,767
Oh, looks like we're watching
"The Apprentice All-Stars".
176
00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:29,067
Oh yeah, Omarossa.
177
00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:30,867
Good thing you chose the left,
guess what the right was.
178
00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:33,733
(laughing)
179
00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:34,900
(Ilana)
Abbi.
180
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,067
Abbi!
181
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:37,933
Come on.
182
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,500
What, dude, what?
183
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,600
Last night
you got flesh pierced
184
00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:45,667
and tonight we're
watching DVDs?
185
00:06:45,767 --> 00:06:47,233
I know,
I'm sorry, like...
186
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,300
the night's ruined.
187
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,500
No, no, the moment we
got to the party,
188
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,167
I texted "Where party"
to everybody in my phone.
189
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:53,400
Jaime's already
pulled through.
190
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,267
Dude, I can't just leave,
I made a commitment.
191
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,067
Jaime's having an actual party
with our actual friends
192
00:06:58,167 --> 00:06:59,767
who are
actually having fun.
193
00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:01,067
We can't miss that.
194
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,167
What am I supposed to say
to Trey though?
195
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,900
You'll think of
something.
196
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,400
Trey.
Whassup!
197
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,067
What's up, hey, what are
you guys doing?
198
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,600
Hey, uh, Trey, so...
199
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,100
I think
we have to leave
200
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,200
'cause like, my stomach's kind
of bothering me.
201
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,433
You think
my Lunas are tainted?
202
00:07:16,533 --> 00:07:18,367
No.
203
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:20,833
It's much worse.
204
00:07:20,933 --> 00:07:21,867
Um...
205
00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:23,933
I got off
the phone with my doctor
206
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:28,900
and she told me that
I have, um...
207
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:29,900
a tapeworm.
208
00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,633
Abbi, that's
really dangerous.
209
00:07:31,733 --> 00:07:34,700
I'm pretty sure tapeworms suck
nutrients out of your body.
210
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,067
That must be why you ate
four and a half Luna bars.
211
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:38,600
Yeah.
212
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,133
And I feel like it's moving,
like, through my body.
213
00:07:41,233 --> 00:07:42,600
I feel like it's
moving and like, now it's in my
214
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:43,833
bu--
Uh...
215
00:07:43,933 --> 00:07:45,600
It's in my butt...
216
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,633
... now.
Hmmm!
217
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:48,767
Nnnn...
218
00:07:48,867 --> 00:07:50,633
So I should go to
the hospital.
219
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,200
Hey, guys.
220
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,600
What?
Guys, pause it.
221
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:57,767
Abbi had to go because she's
got a tapeworm in her butt.
222
00:07:57,867 --> 00:07:59,067
(laughing)
223
00:07:59,133 --> 00:08:00,800
She is such a riot.
224
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:02,900
Gemma, no...
no bazinga.
225
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,267
Hey.
Hey.
226
00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:17,067
So I just want to say
227
00:08:17,133 --> 00:08:18,367
I've been social
media stalking you
228
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:21,633
since Jaime told me you
were his... whatever
229
00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:25,900
and I think you guys are
diggity-diggity-dope, okay?
230
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:27,167
Not like in a, like,
231
00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:31,400
"I can't wait to officiate
your gay wedding" way,
232
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,600
'cause straight
people always say that
233
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:33,600
and it's like, gross.
234
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,900
It just fetishizing
their gay friends
235
00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:36,633
and it's,
like, not cool.
236
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:37,633
You know, maybe you guys
won't get married.
237
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:38,900
Maybe you'll just
(bleep) for a hot sec
238
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:41,800
and move on and that is hot
too and cool.
239
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:46,067
So yeah, I just
wanted to say that.
240
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,833
You're Ilana, right?
241
00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:48,933
How did you know?
242
00:08:51,633 --> 00:08:52,700
Yeah!
243
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,067
We got it.
That's so funny.
244
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,067
I'm gonna
post it to the 'Gram!
245
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,167
That's Instagram,
you guys.
I know.
246
00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,233
I'm gonna use Valencia,
is that okay you think?
247
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:01,567
Ay, baby, everybody
uses the Valencia.
248
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:02,567
What are
you going to use?
249
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,133
The Kelvin,
I mean...
250
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:06,400
(laughing)
Using the Kelv-- no,
that's silly, for goodness!
251
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,633
For goodness.
252
00:09:08,633 --> 00:09:10,067
We have
a huge problem.
253
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,067
We have to leave
right now.
254
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:12,067
Why?
255
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,067
The hottest
person here is leaving.
256
00:09:14,167 --> 00:09:16,267
This party's going to be dead
in three to five minutes.
257
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:17,267
I'm having fun.
258
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,133
You think you are.
259
00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:20,267
But this
party is a seven.
260
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:22,633
We could be missing
out on a 10.
261
00:09:22,733 --> 00:09:26,067
Yeah, but we leave
and we end up at a six?
262
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:28,067
I don't know, we (bleep)
kill ourselves,
263
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:29,233
who cares?
264
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:30,333
(grunts)
265
00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:35,633
So if we did have to
kill ourselves
266
00:09:35,733 --> 00:09:37,300
how would we
do it?
267
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,300
I'd shoot
you in the face
268
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,700
and shoot myself
in the heart.
269
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,800
(gasps)
Oh my God.
270
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:42,300
Forget Siggy's, Lincoln
has a better party.
271
00:09:44,633 --> 00:09:45,667
Wait, why would you shoot
me in the face?
272
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:47,633
Also, you said
that really fast, dude.
273
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:49,533
It's nice,
you'd die instantly.
274
00:09:49,633 --> 00:09:51,200
Well, then shoot me in
the head, not in the face.
275
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,667
Okay, okay.
276
00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:56,367
**
277
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,133
Yes.
Wow.
278
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:00,233
Hey.
Hey.
279
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,067
You guys missed it,
I just did the worm.
280
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,067
You can do the worm?
281
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,900
Yeah.
You barely move.
282
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,367
What?
283
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:07,833
Whoa.
284
00:10:07,933 --> 00:10:09,300
Lincoln, I don't know
if that's--
285
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,967
No, let him have this.
286
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:13,000
And I do,
I do pec jumps.
287
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,033
(gasps)
288
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,333
Do that again.
289
00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:16,967
(laughing)
290
00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:18,633
Is this a new shirt?
291
00:10:18,733 --> 00:10:20,067
No, but&
292
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,533
Drink, food, drink.
293
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,733
Can you worm us there?
Worm us there.
294
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:31,700
(music playing)
295
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,167
This charcuterie.
296
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,433
They got dog dick,
ghost poop, grapes
297
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,933
and they
got cornichons.
298
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:39,567
I love cornichons.
299
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:40,900
Don't I look like
a giant?
300
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,000
(grunts)
(laughing)
301
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,433
That is so weird.
302
00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:46,667
I was just Googling
micropenises this morning
303
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:48,000
and they look exactly
like that.
304
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,567
All lumpy and (bleep).
305
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:52,000
Come on, don't
ruin cornichons for me.
306
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:53,367
You saw I was&
307
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,367
enjoying this.
308
00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:57,600
Okay, don't ruin
micropenises for me.
309
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:58,833
Touche.
310
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:04,633
(music playing)
311
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,767
(laughing)
312
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:10,967
We have to go,
this party's dead.
313
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:12,400
No, this
party is a 10, dude.
314
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,500
What?
315
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,133
I thought so too,
but it's only four or five.
316
00:11:15,233 --> 00:11:16,333
Look.
317
00:11:16,433 --> 00:11:18,900
(sniffling)
318
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,267
Gross.
319
00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:24,500
The Narnia of Partias
is still out there
320
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,067
and we're
going to find it.
321
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:29,100
Did you just
say "Narnia of Partias"?
322
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,167
Do you guys know that,
that play "Rent"?
323
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:33,667
Yeah.
Like, I don't understand
how they thought
324
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:36,500
that they just didn't need
to pay rent, like, at all.
325
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,100
I know,
it's like, it sucks,
326
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,100
but everybody has
to pay rent.
327
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,200
Yeah.
Rent?
328
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,200
And also, I could totally
be on Broadway.
329
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,200
I'd be like...
330
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,067
500, 25--
(phone vibrating)
331
00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:48,233
Oh, my God.
332
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,967
You guys, hold on,
Trey is calling me.
333
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,067
I'm ways drunk, I can't
pick up.
334
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,833
I'm going to decline.
335
00:11:52,933 --> 00:11:53,833
Oh no.
(Trey)
Abbi?
336
00:11:53,933 --> 00:11:54,933
Oh God.
337
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,367
Hello?
338
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,933
Abbi, I just saw an
Instagram of you at a party
339
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,067
with a drink on
your head.
340
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:01,900
I... it was...
341
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:04,767
a Throwback Thursday pic
that I put up.
342
00:12:04,867 --> 00:12:05,767
But it's Friday.
343
00:12:05,867 --> 00:12:07,833
I'm just stupid.
344
00:12:07,933 --> 00:12:09,433
And I'm in the hospital.
(Ilana)
Beep.
345
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,267
That's my life machine...
Beep, beep.
346
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:12,467
going.
Beep.
347
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:13,567
Gotta do something.
348
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:14,700
Beep.
I'm hooked up to--
349
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,300
There's tubes.
Beep, boop.
350
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,167
My doctor's right here
if you want to talk to him.
351
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:19,400
Good, hello?
352
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,867
Hello, hello,
this is Dr. Rotreiller, MD.
353
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,167
Are you
a specialist?
354
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:26,867
I'm more of a general
jack-of-all-trades style doctor.
355
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:28,233
What's going on with
the tapeworm?
356
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,400
Is it
still in her... butt?
357
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,733
It's still in her anus.
358
00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:34,767
(exhales)
359
00:12:34,867 --> 00:12:37,900
It is
crowned and-and breeched.
360
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,333
What do you think her
recovery time is going to be?
361
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:42,367
We don't know whether it'll be
a few days or a few hours,
362
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:45,067
but it's gonna--
we're gonna get it out of there.
363
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,500
And it's gonna
get gone.
364
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,833
Sorry, no offense,
are you a nurse
365
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:48,867
or are
you a real doctor?
366
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:49,967
What--
367
00:12:51,533 --> 00:12:53,567
I, uh...
they're calling me.
368
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:57,067
I gotta go get the worm--
is-- taken out.
369
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,567
Call me when
you're done, I guess.
370
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,833
Bye.
Abbi, all right, bye.
371
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,267
My bad, I'm sorry.
372
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:08,567
That guy did not
sound qualified.
373
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:09,633
All right,
I'm sorry, you guys.
374
00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:10,633
Sorry to make you wait.
375
00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:11,800
Okay.
376
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,233
Ready to fall.
377
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:14,467
(guests)
Fall away.
378
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:15,567
Falling.
379
00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:19,167
Ooh, whoa, oh.
380
00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:20,900
(laughing)
381
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,367
I'm a dentist, not a doctor.
382
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,667
I don't know how to deal with
high-pressure situations.
383
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:27,167
Don't worry...
Lincoln, nothing matters.
384
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,767
Yeah, it's fine.
385
00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:31,067
What just happened?
386
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:32,633
It's a black
Irish goodbye.
387
00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:33,733
He always does it.
388
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,833
Okay, so I just found
out about a rooftop party
389
00:13:37,933 --> 00:13:40,067
a hot sec from here.
390
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,067
This is perfect.
391
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,200
No, you know what?
392
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,267
I think I need to
go home.
393
00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:45,133
Trey definitely did
not believe that call.
394
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,700
No, dude, he definitely
believed you.
395
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:52,833
All right, I agree.
396
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,067
Yessa!
397
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,800
Also, I love roofs.
398
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:58,067
Yes, dude!
399
00:13:58,167 --> 00:14:02,500
(music playing)
400
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:08,067
Whoo, this party
is a...
401
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:10,133
10, I knew it!
402
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,100
Yes, whose party
is this, dude?
403
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,967
Who gives
a fat wet...
404
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:14,967
(bleep)?
405
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,700
Heads up, whoo!
406
00:14:18,867 --> 00:14:19,900
Whoo!
407
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:24,900
(dance music playing)
408
00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:40,967
Place one
right here, Gianni.
409
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:43,133
Yeah!
410
00:14:43,233 --> 00:14:44,567
Oh, (bleep),
oh,(bleep).
411
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:50,067
(Ilana)
God, I love when straight
dudes make out.
412
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,267
You never know if you
never try,
413
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,400
you never try if
you never know, you know?
414
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,300
(laughing)
Yes!
415
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,667
I'm going to get another
beer, do you want one?
416
00:14:57,767 --> 00:14:59,167
Yeah.
417
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:00,733
Abbi-a!
418
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:05,400
(music playing)
419
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,400
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
420
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:07,767
Okay.
Too close.
421
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:09,767
(officer)
All right,
party's over, you (bleep).
422
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,467
Let's go, come on, let's go.
(bleep), come on, let's go.
423
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:13,567
Get out, get out!
424
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,833
Hit the bricks, let's
move it!
425
00:15:15,933 --> 00:15:17,767
Let's go!
426
00:15:17,867 --> 00:15:19,233
(woman)
All right, guys!
427
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:22,933
**
428
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,233
Come on.
429
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:29,867
I wanna whirl.
What is up, dude?
430
00:15:29,967 --> 00:15:32,133
Just let me get it,
I understand.
431
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:33,900
Come on.
432
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,067
Let us in.
433
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,067
They're not gonna
let us in,
434
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:37,867
then I don't
wanna go in there.
435
00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,433
'Cause you know why?
436
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:42,167
We deserve
better than that.
437
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,167
(Ilana)
What is this place... where
are you going?
438
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:48,100
(laughing)
439
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,600
Oh, my God.
440
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:50,633
Where are we going?
441
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:52,200
Oh, sh...
442
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,500
Oh, you be quiet.
443
00:15:57,467 --> 00:16:00,933
I'm Val about town,
town about Val.
444
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,233
Dude.
445
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:06,600
Who is Val?
446
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:12,233
(swing music playing)
447
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:13,367
(man)
Hey, it's Val!
448
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:15,767
(all)
Val!
449
00:16:15,867 --> 00:16:18,967
(swing music playing)
450
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:28,200
(swing music playing)
451
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,900
* Forget your troubles
come on get happy *
452
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,733
* You better chase
all your cares away *
453
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:39,633
* Shout hallelujah come on
get happy *
454
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:42,367
* Get ready
for the judgment day *
455
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:45,333
* The sun is shining come on
get happy *
456
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:48,133
* The Lord
is waiting to take your hand *
457
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:50,967
* Shout hallelujah come on
get happy *
458
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:54,067
* We're going
to the promised land *
459
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,867
* We're heading across
the river *
460
00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:59,667
* To wash
your sins away in the tide *
461
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:05,300
* It's all so peaceful
on the other side *
462
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,767
* Forget your
troubles come on get happy *
463
00:17:07,867 --> 00:17:09,267
Isn't Val the best?
464
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:10,667
You never know when she's
going to drop by,
465
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:12,633
but when she does,
we save on electricity
466
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,900
'cause she lights up
the whole room.
467
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,933
How long has Val
been coming in here?
468
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,167
Oh, for over
a hundred years.
469
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:20,467
What?
470
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,067
No, I'm just kidding,
it's more like three years.
471
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,100
Oh.
472
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:27,633
How did I not know that when
Abbi gets blackout drunk
473
00:17:27,733 --> 00:17:30,267
she becomes Val?
474
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:32,233
My FOMO's
through the damn roof.
475
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:33,233
Oh?
476
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,100
What's a FOMO?
477
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,600
I gotta call Jaime, he's not
gonna believe this.
478
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:38,733
No.
479
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:40,733
No, no, no,
there's no reception down here,
480
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:44,633
but who needs phones when
you get Val?
481
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,233
Aren't you
a hot diggity-diggity-dog
482
00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:51,533
and a scallywag to boot?
483
00:17:53,933 --> 00:17:56,633
(laughing)
484
00:17:56,733 --> 00:17:59,133
Well, hello there,
baby doll.
485
00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:00,900
Baby doll?
486
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:04,200
Of course I have been missing
out on this for years.
487
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,933
You're always worried about
missing out on life.
488
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:07,933
You never
bother to actually live.
489
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,300
Uh... doy.
490
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,433
Eight ball,
corner pocket.
491
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:14,833
Ooh, yeah.
492
00:18:14,933 --> 00:18:16,733
Jeez!
(man)
Oh, great shot.
493
00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:19,167
Ooh-hoo!
494
00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:20,633
Johnny, you cad.
495
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,233
I forgot you were the best
kisser in town.
496
00:18:23,333 --> 00:18:25,533
Except for
my main squeeze.
497
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:27,067
I'm your
main squeeze?
498
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,233
Yeah.
499
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:31,200
You're my favorite little Jewy
this side of St. Louie.
500
00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:35,633
Whoa.
501
00:18:35,733 --> 00:18:38,700
Oh my God, dude.
502
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,367
Ooh.
503
00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:42,833
What is this?
504
00:18:42,933 --> 00:18:44,533
A diamond?
505
00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:46,600
I love diamonds.
506
00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:49,267
(gasps)
507
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,133
(laughing)
508
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:57,833
Val Bar is Narnia!
509
00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:00,767
* Wake up, sleepyhead
510
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:04,933
You look amazing.
511
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:06,267
Yes, good morning,
sunshine.
512
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:08,600
Ilana, what happened
last night?
513
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:11,400
Wait, are you joking?
514
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,067
You're Val, bitch.
515
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:14,500
The bar...
you were like...
516
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,100
(speaking gibberish),
boss, you know?
517
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,267
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
518
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,333
You legit
don't remember?
519
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,700
No mo' FOMO, dog.
520
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,633
* No mo' FOMO
521
00:19:31,733 --> 00:19:33,900
* No mo' FOMO
522
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:35,467
* No mo' FOMO
523
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:38,067
* No more ooh
524
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:41,133
* FOMO
525
00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:42,233
Whoo.
526
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:47,067
Oh, I guess I'm just gonna
go home and sleep
527
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,567
until I have
work at seven.
528
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,167
Oh.
529
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:52,567
What?
530
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:55,433
It's kind
of seven right now.
531
00:19:55,533 --> 00:19:56,933
It's 6:45.
532
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,233
(car horn honking)
Okay.
533
00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:00,133
I guess, I'm just gonna go
to work right now then.
534
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,200
All right.
535
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,233
Treat her right,
sir.
536
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:08,333
Later.
537
00:20:08,433 --> 00:20:10,267
Oh, God.
538
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:11,433
(tires screeching to a stop)
539
00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:14,067
(coughing)
540
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:16,467
(laughing)
541
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:17,833
Classic Val.
542
00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:19,400
Hold on, I think
my nose ring is here.
543
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:20,533
Don't touch it!
544
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:25,533
Morning, Abbi.
545
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,833
Wait, Maria, why are you
wearing a trainer T-shirt?
546
00:20:27,933 --> 00:20:29,433
I am a trainer now.
547
00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:30,733
No...
548
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:31,833
way!
549
00:20:31,933 --> 00:20:33,300
Congrats.
550
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,900
Congrats.
551
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,233
How the (bleep) did
that happen?
552
00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:38,533
Kooky girl.
553
00:20:38,633 --> 00:20:40,167
How did
that go down?
554
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:44,000
Well, I always wanted
to be a trainer,
555
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,133
so I asked
Trey at the party.
556
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:51,267
We both were a little drunk,
so I was not afraid.
557
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:54,233
It was like asking to
a friend,
558
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,233
you know,
instead of a boss.
Boss.
559
00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:57,633
Yeah.
Here.
560
00:20:57,733 --> 00:21:00,300
You can have
my cleaner t-shirt.
561
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:03,567
I only wore it
one day.
562
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:04,933
Mmm.
563
00:21:14,867 --> 00:21:17,200
* Dow-dow-bow-dow
564
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,333
Yeah.
565
00:21:18,433 --> 00:21:20,500
It's like your bass drum.
* Dow-duh
566
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,933
* Uh
(laughing)
567
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:23,600
That was so good.
568
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:25,833
Wow.
569
00:21:25,933 --> 00:21:27,500
I've been able to do this
since I was 13.
37619
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