All language subtitles for Broad.City.S02E04.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD2.0.x264-herkz_track3_[und]

God, so at first
I thought,

do I have, like,
a long butt hair?

And then
I realized, no.

It's my head hair.
Yeah.

Fall down my back
and in my butt crack.
Yeah! Duh!

I don't know.
Okay, we have to go back
to the fact

that you are finally going to
vagina-swallow Jeremy tonight.

It's really more of,
like, a get-together,

hang out sesh
at his apartment.

You know, it's not really
an official date-date.

Yeah, yeah, not official,
but yeah.

There's just so much I want
to know about him, like,

I don't know
where he went to college,

how many sisters
he has.

Oh, he definitely
has sisters.

He also definitely
doesn't wear underwear.

He's got his junk rolling around
in there all smelly and stuff.

I just want to
take it slow, you know?

I really feel like this can,
like, be something.

(sighing)

Of course
she isn't here.

I knew we didn't
have to rush.

This bitch
is always late.

Oh, here she is.

I can't believe
you beat me here!

This bitch
is always late.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.

Oh, I missed you.
Abbi, come here.

Ready to get
your nails did, girls?

Yes.

Yelp said somebody got staph
infection in this place.

It's so cheap now.

Staph is not
the real bad one, right?

Yeah, it is.

* Four and three
and two and one *

**

Pick a color.

Oh, I'm just gonna
use one of theirs.

Well, how are you gonna do
touch-ups during the week?

Mom, she's a high-class
WASP-y Jew.

A Philadelphia queen
from down the Main Line,

King of Prussia Mall!

(bottles slapping in unison)

Oh, Bobbi, I just wanted
to say that I'm really sorry

about Grandma Esther
passing away.

Oh, thank you,
sweetheart.

But don't cry
for Grandma Esther.

That woman lived
92 full years.

She played for
the Rockford Peaches.

She sang
at the Cotton Club.

And she (bleep)
Little Richard!
Oh, I forgot
about that.

Wait, I thought
Little Richard was gay.

Bisexual alien.
No, bisexual alien.

Besides,
you know what?

Gets me a chance to go to Canal
Street and pick up some handbags

for the girls
back on Long Island.

Mom, I thought we were done
with the bag obsession.

Excuse me, Ilana,
my mother just died.

I was done, but now
I'm dipping my toe back in.

Speaking of which,
sweetheart,

you're gonna need
a much stronger scissor

for that big toe, okay?
Thank you.

**

Abbi,
sweetheart,

let me know if you want me
to get you a bag

when I go to Chinatown
later, okay?

I love bags.

You guys enjoy
the day together.

I'm actually late for my
non-date hangout, you know.

Don't forget to wear
a condom, Abbi.

Ilana, I--

One time, I don't wear a condom
and you tell your--
No!

That's just how she says
goodbye to people.

Yeah, I care.

Okay.

All right,
well, have fun.

Ugh, will you look
at that gorgeous tush?

Oh, my God,
it's perfection.

Talking about my butt?
(both)
Yes.

Ha ha ha!
Woo!

Jay-Z and Beyoncé,
they're in the Illuminati.

Yeah, yes.

And what
about Blue Ivy?

She will become all of
their Grandmaster Supreme.

Wow, lucky kid.

Bags, bags,
bags, bags.
Here we go.

Bags, bags, bags.

Buying counterfeit bags
is illegal.

Five dollar,
five dollar.

Okay,
follow me.

What the (bleep) am I
talking Chinese for?

Bags, bags.

(Bobbi)
I think that Blue Ivy must
look more like Jay then Bey.

Otherwise, we'd be seeing
more pictures.

Mom, Ma, Jay is
so handsome!

Hurry! Hurry!
Nah, too much lips.

His lips are his
hottest feature!

Not for me.

Hurry, hurry!

Fast, fast!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We bring our own
blindfolds, no.

Thank you.

Remember that time
I got pink eye?

That was so horrible.

I know,
that was gross.

(tires screeching,
engine revving)

I can't believe that you live
across the hall from me.

Like, this apartment
is so insane.

Thanks, I knocked down
all the walls.

Hate walls.

These postcards
are so cool.

They kind of remind me
a little bit of your drawing.

Oh, thank you.

I collected them on
the last road trip I took

with my terminal dog--
Miss you, Betsy.

Wow, that's so sweet,
I'm sorry.

You know, I've been surrounded
by a lot of death lately, too.

And sometimes death really
makes me think about...

life.

I totally agree.

To life.

And
to remember,

and, and
to being.

And-- and-- and--

That's it.

You're really eloquent
about death.

Well, my favorite TV show
is "Six Feet Under,"

so that's probably why.

I haven't seen it.

You haven't seen
"Six Feet Under"?!

Oh, God.

You're so lucky.

You know, I have the box set
if you want to borrow it.

Maybe we could watch it
together sometime.

(enthusiastically)
Yeah!

I mean,
yeah.

If you--
if you want to.

I definitely do.

Oh--
That would be great.

You got a little, um--

I got you,
come here.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, my God.

I'm kissing
Jeremy.

Oh, my God,
I'm kissing Abbi.

(arguing in Chinese)

Ilana, I don't want you
to eat sushi anymore, okay?

What?
Fukushima!

The radiation levels
are off the charts.

Oh, give me a break.

It's all over the Internet,
I'm not making this (bleep) up!

You wanna talk
nasty seafood?

I read a thing
on "Buzzfeed"

that said there's
microscopic shrimp

in all of New York City
drinking water.

What?

Copepods,
they're called.
No!

Yeah,
Google it.

We have shrimp inside
of us at all times,

which I'm okay with,
sounds delicious.

But it's like,
ask me first?

(tires screeching)

(speaking Chinese)

Now we're cooking
with gas.

All the good (bleep) is
always down a manhole.

How have we not
done this sooner?

I have no idea.

Do you want
to maybe switch?

Mix it up
a little bit?

You sure?

Yeah,
why not, right?

Oh, awesome.

(whispering)
It's a Shinjo.

Right in the butt.

Uh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, you just meant
switch positions?

Yeah,
but it's fine.

I-- I thought you were
suggesting that we switch.

Yeah, it just caught me
off guard,

so I'm just getting,
you know, the feel.

I'm so sorry.

No, I--
Please.

No, you know what?
Just forget it.

I just need a minute.
Just one minute.

It's okay.

Stupid.

Rachel Ackerman, Rachel
Alterman, Aunt Cherry.

Rabbi Stein,
Rachel Lieberman.

(phone vibrating)
Joanne from
the salon.

Cut or uncut?

Cut.

Ooh, elegant.
And girth?

Listen, dude, I'm freaking
the (bleep) out right now.

So we were doing it,

and I was like,
"We should switch positions,"

and then he throws me
a strap-on.

Hold, please.

Hello?
I get one, too.

And I think the rest are just
gonna be extras, so yeah.

Ilana,
control yourself.

Excuse me,
I'm on the phone.

Jesus, Ilana.

This is a dream
come true.

Thank you for sharing
this with me.

Dude, I'm calling
for advice.

Oh.
Sorry.

Okay, so start by lubing up
the head and work--

No-- I'm not even sure
I'm gonna do it.

What is not to know?
This is once in a lifetime!

It's going too fast.

Ab, all throughout college,
I slept with a strap-on on,

just in case the opportunity
came along

that you have handed to you
on a silver (bleep) platter!

I don't know, I just envisioned
being with Jeremy in, like,

a lot of different ways,
but not--

not this way.

We are going to my
grandmother's shiva, okay?

The reason I'm, like,
sitting and crying

is because that badass bitch did
everything she ever wanted to.

You want to go
to the grave

dreaming of Jeremy's hairy,
adorable little butthole?

Or do you want to die knowing
that you brought him pleasure

by plowing it
like a queen?

I just don't know,
Ilana.

Bitch,
you know.

You wouldn't have called me
if you didn't.

(sighing)

Turn around.

(Jeremy, whispering)
Ab?

Ab?

(normal voice)
Ab.

(shouting)
Ab!

Ahh, Jeremy.

(whispering)
Sorry to wake you.

Oh...

I volunteered to teach
some underprivileged kids

how to do some
woodworking today.

I'm running
a little bit late.

Wow,
that's beautiful.

Listen, stay as long
as you want.

Have a great day.

Whoa.

I mean,
till tonight.

(door closes)

(woman singing)
* What we do

* We wash our hair
when we want to *

* We run the streets
in the right shoes *

* We killer game
like we can't lose *

* Staying out as late
as we want to *

* I'm

* All yours
(sighing happily)

(beeping)

(bleep)

She had, like,
a tight physique.

She was awesome.

Well-rounded
human being.

It's so nice
to see you guys.

Oh, I love you
so much.

We love you, too.

We love you,
too, Dad.

My dad didn't love me half
as much as I love you guys.

Okay.
We know.

Oh, your mom is so broken up
over this loss.

Poor Mommy.

And the toll into the city?
13 bucks.

Now, you know that's going
right into Bloomberg's pocket.

Bloomberg isn't
mayor anymore.

That's what he
wants you to think!

(crashing)

Once again, these nipple
clamps are not tight enough.

They keep popping off.

Well, I'm sorry,
ma'am.

That's as tight
as they get.

Have a nice day.

Hi.
Hi.

Sir, so I have a-- I--
This morning, I was--

You tried to wash a dildo
in a dishwasher?

I did indeed.

Well, I don't think you're here
for a staring contest.

Can I see it?
Okay.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm,
parabolic tearing.

Low curvature.

All right,
let's get to work.

**
(no voices)

That's it.

Yeah.

Okay,
that'll be $79.

That's a lot.

All right.
(phone alert)

You know, Shelly Winters
purchased one of these once.

God damn it,
the shiva!
Language!

(Elliott singing)
* And he will raise you up

* On eagle's wings

Isn't that
a Christian song?

(doorbell ringing)

Hello?

Abbi, oh, it's so good
to see you.

(farting)
Oh!
Whoops.

Oh, that'll be our little
secret, okay?
Yeah.

Let me take your bag.

You know what?
I can hang onto it.

Why not.
Oh, girl power.

Ilana, honey,
look who's here.

Simply yes or no.

Did you
or did you not...

(exhaling sharply)
peg?

(Elliott continues singing)

Ilana--

This is the happiest
day of my--

(screaming)
life!

(stops singing)
Ohhhh!

I think she's upset.
Hoo!

You know it's your
grandmother's shiva?

Whoo,
you a pegga!

Okay.

Pega-seuss!

Maybe we can
talk about it--
That's you.

Let's talk about it
at my house, later.

Abbi!
Hi.

I'm so sorry.
Oh, hi, sweetheart,
thanks for coming.

Look at you.

She's glowing, Ilana,
look at her.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, this is
a nice bag.
Thank you so much.

Italian leather?
Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, how's the lining?
Oh, it's a
great lining.

Let me see-- I'll be
the judge of that.

No, trust me.
Trust me.

Abbi Anna Abrams!
My mother's freshly dead!

Now let me
look at this lining!

Abbi,
give it to her.

Ooh, waterproof,
love that.

Uh-huh.

Nice backstitch.

You really are a high-class
Jewess, let me tell ya.

I told you.

Beautiful, beautiful.
Where'd you get this?

Um, you know, it's...
Um...

You know,
that is a...
Ahem.

Do I need
to keep going?

Yeah.
Definitely.

No, no, hold on.
Peg?

What's peg?

Pegging is when a woman
with a strap-on,

with a dildo,
penetrates a man.

Oh, but wouldn't that be more
like a gay thing, Elliot?

No, I mean, how would I put
a dildo on top of my dick?

That's true.

Straight men and gay men alike
both enjoy prostate stimulation.

And it's very popular
with married couples.

Oh.
Is it?

Probably.

(Bobbi)
We were at the Millers' once.

It turned out
it was a swingers party.

No!
Oh, wow.

Yeah, but we didn't have sex
with anybody, just--

You know, but we stayed 'cause
the food was incredible.

Yes, and we also stayed
because the owner's child

had died of an overdose
and we wanted to be supportive.

Out of support.

But Abbi, good for you
for trying something new,

That is terrific.

I can't really believe that
we're talking about it,

because, you know, Ilana was
telling me about Grandma Esther

and how she--
she lived with no regrets.

And it made me think, we all
need to live more like that,

You know, like,
I kind of feel like I--

Yeah, I pegged.

Yeah, I pegged,

but I kind of did it
for Grandma Esther, you know?

In a way.

(sobbing)
Oh, it's okay.

Oh, it's all right.

Mom,
feel something!

I'm feeling the inside
of this bag, okay?

I promise I will never, ever
tell anybody about your fart.

I love you.

Elliot, come on,
we gotta get out of here.

(phone alert)
Gotta get the car.

(Dad)
Don't dawdle.

Say hi to the dog.

I got somewhere, I,
um, need to be.

All right, don't forget
to wear a condom.

Or not-- I don't know what's
appropriate in this situation.

I don't know, either.

Listen to me:
get that ass.

Maybe I will.
Bye, Ab.

All right, hold on.
Ilana, I can't find my phone.

I am calling it.

(phone vibrating
inside suitcase)

God damn it, I must've left it
in one of the friggin' bags.

Why would you
do that?

All right,
let's open this up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't put 'em
on the filthy floor!

Where's the pashmina?

Get the pashmina
out.

I put this pashmina
around my neck!
It doesn't matter.

Bags, bags, bags.
Lots of bags!
Bags, bags, bags!

One bag, two bag,
three bag, four.

Bags, bags, bags.

Five bags, six bags,
seven bags, more.

(both)
Jesus Christ.

(both women shouting)

Clearly, I'm gonna be late
to pick up my spread

from Zabar's
for shiva tomorrow!

I think the real crooks down on
Wall Street should be arrested!

Reverse Robin Hoods
who take from the poor

and give to
their rich friends--

I guess I'm gonna use
my call to call Zabar's,

'cause if you don't pick
your order up--

you get on their
(bleep) list--

Ivy League grad/Harvard,

the fat cats down in DC,
they don't mind--

And if I get on
Zabar's (bleep) list,

you can bet your ass
I'm gonna sue the NYPD!

--and little boy
prostitutes!

Guess we're being let off easy
'cause we're extremely white.

Yeah, that's the prison
industrial complex for you.

Wanna get back
in the car?

We just want to make sure
our voices are heard.

They were--
You're very loud.

Yeah,
thank you.

Now we'll just take
our handbags and go.

We can't give you
the bags.

They're evidence in an ongoing
counterfeit investigation.

Enjoy your
new handbags!
"Ongoing".

Yeah!

Hello, Zabar's?
It's Bobbi Wexler.

Don't you yell at me!

(whispering)
Wait.

Hold on,
I'll be right back.

Wait, what is that?

It--
It's a dildo.

Um...
It's not my dildo.

Okay,
so it's stupid.

When you left
yesterday,

I put yours in the dishwasher
and it-- it melted it.

So I was like, I gotta
get you a new one

'cause I ruined your thing
and I went to the sex store,

and I got one that looks
just like yours,

except this one's
brand new.

I really appreciate
you doing that, I do,

but mine was
a Shinjo.

And that's, like,
a cheap knockoff.

$79, I feel it could
get the job done.

Um, it's just that a Shinjo
is custom-made for my body,

and it's made out
of all-natural materials--

Totally, totally.
I know that you love

to be, like, particular
about your stuff,

I was just, like,
gonna go--
Wait, wait.

What does that mean?

No, it's just, like,
your whole thing.

You like your stuff to be
specialty and curated.

I get it.

Like what?

Like, the cider beer,
the cardamom?

You have
a kimono area.

I mean, look at
this apartment.

Jeremy, I feel like
we're in a magazine.

In a good way.

It's what I like
about you.

I guess I just didn't realize
you were judging me

based on my stuff.

I'm not judging you,

I mean, I pegged you last night
without any judgment.

Why would you
judge that?

I didn't.

And I did it
on the first night.

I'm cool.

Abbi, bragging about
not judging something

just means that you think
it should be judged.

No, I don't--
I'm not--

bragging about
not judging or judging.

I'm not bragging
or judging.

This is silly.

I had fun
last night.

I liked it.

Can we just
begin this again?

And do it again
with that cheap knockoff?

I'll probably
get a rash.

79 bucks!

Did you seriously think that
you were just gonna stick that

inside of me and I wouldn't
feel the difference?

Yeah.

(sighing) Now you're
just being childish.

I'm being childish?

Yes.

I (bleep) you
in the ass

the first night that
we did anything, okay?

I think that's pretty
(bleep) mature.

Plus, you're throwing,
like, a temper tantrum

'cause you don't have your
specialty leather-blown dildo

or whatever.

You're being an idiot
right now.

Leather is tanned!

It's not blown,
like glass.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not a leathersmith.

You know what?

The only reason I pegged you
in the first place

is because Ilana's
grandmother died

and she (bleep)
Little Richard.

Cool!

It's really cool.

Real mature.

You know what,
Abbi?

I--
I think you should go.

Well, I think
that I should go.

Also, maybe you want
to do me a favor

and try to keep the
Alanis Morissette down?

I mean, who--
who blasts "Thank You"?

Now who's judging other people
based on their-- their stuff?

Real mature!

Also, a (bleep) ton of people
play that song and love it!

Headphones.

If we get to Chinatown
in the next ten minutes,

we can make it.

What-- why?

I-- I need more bags.

Mom, we just
got arrested!

You don't understand--
I have to have the bags!

If I don't have them,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Mom!

Mom, Mom,
Mom, Mom--
What, what?

The bags are gone.
Let it go.

I never got
to say goodbye.

The bags know, Mom.
They know.

Hey, you're blocking
the whole (bleep) sidewalk!

(both women shouting)

Who the hell are you, you
disrespectful mother(bleep)?

So walk around us, you
patriarchal mother(bleep)!

Who do you think you are,
talking to us that way?

What is wrong with you?

You move around us,
(bleep) face!

I'll (bleep) murder you,
you little bitch!

You cross
the street!

I love you so much.
You are my world.

You are my everything, I think
about you all day, every day.

I mean, if I wanna
leave the apartment,

I'm gonna have to, like,
jump out the window.

You know, this is a good thing
that this all happened.

Your crush on Jeremy was holding
you back and now you're free.

You're right.

I'm wild.

Yeah.
I'm a wild lady.

Ugh!

You know what?
I'm gonna delete his texts.

There's only four,
but they're gone.

You're gonna find
someone else to peg.

There are infinite holes
in the sea.

Maybe even,
I don't know...

Girl holes?

I'm not pegging you,
dude.

You gotta stop
bringing it up.

I think I want to master
regular sex first.

At least you found a good use
for that dildo.

Right?

It's perfect.

I want one.

It was 79 bucks.

Ugh!

I could find it cheaper
in Chinatown.

(recording of Elliot singing)
* He will raise you up
On eagle's-- *

Oh, and also, I'm back
on Jay-Z's lips.

I like him again.

Oh, my God.

That's so good.

So...

Did you give it
any more thought?

Well, yeah, as a matter
of fact, I did.

And, well,

I haven't changed
my mind, so.

Just open up your mind, Arthur,
just open up.

My mind is very open.

My ass(bleep), I'm not
so sure about.

I forgot about your
precious ass(bleep).

But my ass(bleep)
is fair game, of course.

Fine.

I'll pick one up
at the mall tomorrow.

Thank you.

A lot of condolence e-mails
to answer.
(sighing)

Where's Lincoln?

You know, he sent that gorgeous
arrangement over there.

Yeah, I just didn't want
to deal with

explaining the (bleep)buddy
thing to all these old Jews.

Oh, yeah.

And I appreciate
the intricacies of that.

Thank you.