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1
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,179
Come on!
Come on, dude!
2
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,147
It's coming, it's coming.
3
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,382
Go, go, let's go,
let's go!
4
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:20,788
(indistinct voice on P.A.)
5
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,223
(both) Yes!
6
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,093
All right, we've gotta go
to the back of the train.
Okay.
7
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,363
Okay.
Hey, sorry.
8
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,132
Excuse--
Okay.
9
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:38,406
**
10
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:39,807
(chimpanzee shrieking)
11
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,844
(pigs grunting)
12
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:46,046
(Abbi) Ugh, typical.
13
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,715
(jackals cackling)
14
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,518
(grunting)
15
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,685
Okay.
16
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,491
(woman) Val? Val!
17
00:00:58,659 --> 00:00:59,960
(moaning)
18
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:01,729
Ilana, come on.
19
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,801
Oh, my God.
20
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,371
**
21
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,050
Oh!
Oh, my--
22
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,885
Oh, (bleep).
23
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:25,953
(gagging)
Oh!
24
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,755
Okay, come on, come on.
All right, okay.
25
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,158
(Abbi)
What's going on here?
26
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,808
(door chiming)
27
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,512
(men shouting)
28
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,513
Hold up, dude.
29
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,315
We were supposed to be
at the front end.
30
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,750
That's what I said.
Is it?
31
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:57,751
Is it?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,220
Are you sure?
Yeah.
33
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,288
I thou-- I don't know,
34
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,689
I think you said
we needed to be at--
35
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:02,823
Get yourself--
36
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,858
Don't even, I'm pretty sure
I got you.
37
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:05,859
Go away!
(laughing)
38
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,060
Get out!
39
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,730
* Four and three
and two and one, one **
40
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,469
(Ilana) I'm telling you,
41
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,706
fat dudes' dicks get sucked
back inside their bodies.
42
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,007
(Abbi) I'm not saying
you're wrong,
43
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,875
I just don't, like,
understand the sucking back
44
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,811
into their bodies
part of it.
45
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,079
It's not like it's
science suction, Bill Nye!
46
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,248
(both laughing)
47
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,249
I'm just saying,
48
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,418
the more room it has
to present itself,
49
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,220
the bigger
a penis appears.
50
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,854
Never forget this,
okay?
51
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,789
Every 10 pounds
a guy loses,
52
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,558
he gains
a visual inch.
53
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,559
What, so it's like
54
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,628
the best optical illusion
of all time?
55
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:41,629
Exactly.
56
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,896
Like, um,
Mount Rushmore,
57
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,832
how it looks, you know,
like the presidents?
58
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,936
Well, Mount Rushmore
is actually a sculpture.
59
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,571
Like, it was carved
by an artist.
60
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,474
Dude, this heat is like
killing me right now.
61
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,675
I'm just dying.
62
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,009
Oh, I love it.
63
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:57,245
All my senses
are heightened,
64
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,646
even my ethnic
ambiguity.
65
00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,780
I was catcalled today
66
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,482
in what I believe
is Creole.
67
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,817
Well, I'm on the edge
of like swamp ass right now.
68
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,819
I need some A/C.
69
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,887
**
70
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,856
(Ilana) We're gonna
have to throw these out.
71
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,392
Here we go.
72
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,461
This lighting
is incredible.
73
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,995
Hey, do you have
any tweezers?
74
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,431
Um, not on me, no.
75
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,632
Ilana, did I tell
you that
76
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,768
Male Stacey's cooking me
dinner tonight?
77
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,436
I mean, if I was a guy,
78
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,171
that is what I would do
for a girl.
79
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:26,640
You should check out
the Colin Farrell sex tape,
80
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,442
just to get back
in the swing of things,
81
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,478
specifically 8:58.
82
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:31,945
He is feasting
on her (bleep)
83
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,947
like it is a dang
milk shake.
84
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,683
(Irish accent)
It's me breakfast,
85
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,951
lunch, and (bleep)
dinner right here.
86
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,920
(Irish accent)
'Twas 8:58
you said, sire?
87
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:40,988
Yes.
88
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,523
But then you're gonna
want to swab the decks
89
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,793
over to 9:44 for some
master ass(bleep) play.
90
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,296
And then round it out
at 12:47 with some
91
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,164
good old-fashioned
(bleep) (bleep).
92
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,866
(Abbi)
Oh. So sorry.
93
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,303
We love New York moms.
94
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,970
(Abbi) Um, I'm gonna
buy these,
95
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,373
because they're now, like,
sort of part of my body.
96
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,041
So...
Perfect.
97
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,713
You said 8:58?
98
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,080
You're gonna like
what you see.
99
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,316
I guarantee it.
100
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,854
**
101
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,022
(Abbi) Yeah, so then
they got divorced,
102
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,358
but they're still
really good friends.
103
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,659
Yeah?
My parents too.
104
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,461
Divorced,
still good friends.
105
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,662
So cool, right?
So cool.
106
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:22,663
I hope to get married
107
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:23,664
just to get divorced
one day.
108
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,965
(both laughing)
109
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,334
I've gotta be honest,
I'm kind of massively
110
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,801
regretting my decision
to sizzle fajitas
111
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,937
two inches
from my head.
112
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,939
But I'm glad I wore
my awesome new shirt.
113
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:32,940
It's like
a smiley face.
114
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:33,941
It-- Kind of like
a smiley face.
115
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:34,942
It is!
Look at that.
116
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:35,943
My plan is working.
117
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,612
Get you over here,
hide the A/C,
118
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,881
get those clothes off.
119
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,016
You don't actually have
an air conditioner, do you?
120
00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,185
No, I don't.
121
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,787
Okay.
(chuckling)
122
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:47,788
I'm gonna go.
123
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,156
I think I'm gonna
go wipe up--
124
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:50,858
I'm gonna
go wipe my--
125
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,125
I'm gonna pee.
126
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,461
I'll pee and then
you know what I'll do?
127
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,995
I'll wipe--
128
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,632
I'm gonna use
the ladies' room.
129
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,368
All right.
130
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,269
(bleep), it's hot.
131
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,005
Oh.
132
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,274
Okay.
133
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,609
All right.
Jesus, cool down.
134
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,043
Just cool down, Abbi.
135
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,379
You're cool,
you're cool.
136
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,513
You're cool.
137
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,383
You look good.
You feel good.
138
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:17,785
That's cool.
139
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,887
Cool mode.
140
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,021
Here we go.
141
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,190
(hair dryer blowing)
142
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,432
(toilet flushing)
143
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,067
Yo!
Hey!
144
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,068
What up?
145
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,069
I just peed.
Yeah?
146
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,871
I've just been cooking.
Uh...
147
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,306
I was thinking,
maybe we forget about
148
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,642
the fajitas, um,
for a sec.
149
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,744
I have a fan
in my room.
150
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,747
Uh, that's where I sleep
and do other stuff.
151
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,416
Cool.
152
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,150
(Ilana) Animated movies
are where it's at.
153
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,652
It's like visual crack.
154
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,487
Hey, my daughter
loves "Frozen."
155
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,855
Watches it over and over...
(Ilana) Oh, yes.
156
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,590
looped and loop--
She's frozen.
157
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,658
(Ilana)
Exactly.
158
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,760
All Hollywood media
is porn,
159
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,162
and all porn
is kiddie porn.
160
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,296
Ooh.
161
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,799
We live in a rape culture,
you know? We just do.
162
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:06,967
I'm gonna run to
the little girl's room.
163
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,237
That is rape culture
language right there.
164
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,506
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, oh.
165
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,641
Where'd you
meet her, man?
166
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,175
At a Foot Locker
in Times Square.
167
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,510
She was
just hanging out.
168
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,779
She wasn't buying anything,
she was just chilling.
169
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,282
I'm gonna
take your pants off.
170
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,684
Okay? Okay.
Okay. Okay.
171
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,685
Okay.
They're just...
172
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,086
really tight.
Yep, little bit.
173
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,087
I'm sorry.
174
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,088
It's just because
it's hot out.
175
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,089
(grunting)
They're really on there.
176
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,090
All right,
I'm gonna hold the bed,
177
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,258
you just pull, okay?
Okay, on three.
178
00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:32,560
(both) One, two...
179
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,161
three.
Oh, no.
180
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,663
Oh, no.
181
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,766
Did you have an accident
or something?
182
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:39,833
When you went
to the bathroom,
183
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,334
to wipe yourself
up earlier...
184
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,203
I was peeing. I--
I got major swamp ass,
185
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,705
and I started to shove
paper towels
186
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,474
in my butt crack
to try to absorb it,
187
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,876
and I just realized that
they're still in there.
188
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,011
So, let's just pause.
Let's just pause.
189
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,012
Okay?
Okay.
190
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,246
Just give me one second.
All right.
191
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,621
That's a lot
of paper towels.
192
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,490
Do you recycle?
193
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,091
I make more eye contact
with this face
194
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:05,693
than any
human being's face.
195
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,760
It's crazy.
196
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,696
I love "watching" it.
197
00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:12,099
(laughter)
198
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,867
Happy birthday!
199
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,035
(scattered applause)
Whose birthday is it?
200
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,570
Very funny.
201
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,707
Oh, it's a tooth cake?
202
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,378
Yup.
Happy birthday!
203
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,714
Get up, yeah.
204
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,949
Birthday boy,
and we all knew it...
205
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:29,983
Yeah.
Huh?
206
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,527
Oh, Abbi.
207
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,528
Stacey, yeah,
it's so good.
208
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,529
Oh, Abbi.
That's good.
209
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:42,863
I feel crazy.
I feel--
210
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,297
Me too.
It's so crazy.
211
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,633
I really feel--
212
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,767
I feel really--
213
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,768
Ah.
214
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,937
Ah, Stacey.
That's so good.
215
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,371
Stacey.
216
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,140
Stacey!
217
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,274
Stace?
218
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:55,442
Male Stacey!
219
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,444
Male Stacey!
220
00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,547
Oh, (bleep).
221
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,016
(jackhammer pounding)
222
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,284
(shouting)
So, to clarify, you raped--
223
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,452
(jackhammer stops)
(speaking) Ooh.
224
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,020
You raped him.
225
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,556
No, no.
226
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,390
He passed out
from the heat.
227
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,125
He seriously
wanted it.
228
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:15,729
Ooh! That is literally
what "they" say.
229
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,565
Yeah, but I really
mean it.
230
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,199
So do "they."
231
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,200
Well, I--
232
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,004
Dude, did you...
finish?
233
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,740
My God,
I raped him, dude.
234
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,241
I-- I raped
Male Stacey.
235
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,376
I'm a monster.
Wow.
236
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,410
I need an air conditioner,
immediately!
237
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,080
Wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow!
238
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,415
**
239
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,751
They moved the fans.
Good call.
240
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,052
You know, I was
gonna say something,
241
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,453
but I didn't want to step
on anyone's toes, you know,
242
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,389
'cause like,
I don't work here.
243
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,791
Why don't you work here?
244
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,026
You don't (bleep)
where you eat.
245
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,728
Ooh, Turbie Twist.
246
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:48,729
You think Lincoln
would want
247
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:49,997
one of these
for his birthday?
248
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,965
Probably not, 'cause
he doesn't have any hair.
249
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,466
(clicking tongue)
Ugh, right.
250
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,467
Right?
Right, right, right.
251
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,036
Yeah. Hmm.
Yep, you're right.
252
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,070
You know what?
Follow me.
253
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,305
We'll check out
the ravioli attachments
254
00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,439
for his pasta maker.
255
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,109
Lincoln has a pasta maker?
No way.
256
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,176
Yeah, you don't know
about this?
257
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,277
The homemade pasta.
258
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,879
He makes a different kind
every Sunday night.
259
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:06,980
It's on his blog.
260
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,081
What blog?
261
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,917
"The Al Dente Dentist."
262
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,484
Do you not talk
to Lincoln?
263
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,253
It should be called
"The Al Dentist."
264
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,354
No, we don't--
265
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,889
We don't talk.
We hook up,
266
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:16,957
I smoke him up,
we watch TV.
267
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:17,958
It's great.
268
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,426
Abbi!
269
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,295
You come here, you don't
come find me in flatware?
270
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,131
Come on!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
271
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,132
Wow!
272
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,233
(both) Hmm.
273
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,802
Here we go.
This is it.
274
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,638
Whew!
275
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,972
Yes.
276
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,241
Whoo!
Right.
277
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,644
Blam! (scatting)
I'm just gonna...
278
00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:39,680
Oh, my God.
279
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,381
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
280
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,786
All right.
Thank you, guys.
281
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,320
Thank you so much.
282
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,456
Whoa!
Oh, ho, ho!
283
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,025
Holler at me, Abbi!
(laughing)
284
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,194
Good to see you, Abbi.
Oh, I'll see you.
285
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,295
How often do you
come in here?
286
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,529
Not that much.
287
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,198
Well, look what
the cat dragged in.
288
00:09:58,298 --> 00:09:59,667
Hey.
All right.
289
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,368
Oh, my God.
290
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,205
The planning this takes
is unbelievable.
291
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,674
This is incredible.
What's going on?
292
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,375
Oh, my God, she doesn't
do dances with me.
293
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,643
(both laughing)
294
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,344
Hi, pretty lady!
What's up?
295
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,646
What is up?
Oh, look--
296
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,814
Okay.
You know what?
297
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:14,815
I've got a cutting board
with your name on it.
298
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,016
Stunning.
No!
299
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,017
No, really, I've been
calling it "The Abbi."
300
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,018
Great.
Oh!
301
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,552
You go do that.
302
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,388
I will get
an air conditioner.
303
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,891
Meet you back on
the thing.
304
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,393
This feels great.
It is so good.
305
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,028
It's an investment,
you know?
Right?
306
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,629
I'll look for a cab
on the side streets,
307
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:30,630
you take the avenue.
308
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,399
Genius. All angles.
Whoo!
309
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,769
Come on, New York!
310
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:40,007
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
BRB!
311
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,441
Ab, I got one!
312
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,143
Right back here!
Are you (bleep) kidding me?
313
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,012
Oh, my God!
What the--
314
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,348
(bleep)!
315
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,349
What do you think
about this
316
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,818
for my Facebook
status update?
317
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:53,921
"Seeking air conditioner,
free to cheap.
318
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,055
Thanks.
Bye, guys."
319
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,156
"Bye, guys" is
my favorite part.
320
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,657
I love that.
I want more you.
321
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:58,926
I want more panache.
322
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,528
I want more spunk,
more jizzy-jazz.
323
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,562
Eww, okay.
324
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,067
Maybe Lincoln would want
an avocado for his birthday?
325
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,902
Or like a bag
of avocados?
326
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:09,970
No.
327
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:14,541
Sent into... Cloud.
328
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,476
Whoa, dude, I got
two responses already.
329
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,912
Oh, my God.
That's so embarrassing.
330
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,649
They are like up Facebook's
butthole, no shame!
331
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,584
Okay, one is from
my old babysitter.
332
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:25,585
Whoa.
333
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:26,653
Who, if
I'm being honest,
334
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,355
potentially broke up
my parents.
335
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,390
Whoa!
So, no.
336
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,492
The second one's
Benny Calitri.
337
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:33,761
Who's Benny Calitri?
338
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,395
I have one
mutual friend.
339
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,998
(humming)
340
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,333
(phone vibrating)
341
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,769
Hello?
342
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,303
Hey, Bevers.
Who's Benny Calitri?
343
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,005
Do I know him?
Yes!
344
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,506
Remember you had
that party,
345
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,275
you told me I couldn't bring
a "plus one"?
346
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,777
He was my "plus one"!
347
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,078
Great, thanks.
He's one of my best friends.
348
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:52,479
Did you guys--
349
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,817
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
350
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,651
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
351
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,488
Mm-- Uh-oh!
(laughing)
352
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,925
(humming)
353
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,827
You know, I've never been
to this neighborhood before,
354
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,397
but I'm not scared, 'cause
I'm with a stone cold rapist!
355
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,900
Okay.
All right.
356
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:13,934
Listen, Ab...
That I am.
357
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,435
It's reverse rapism.
358
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:16,937
You are raping
rape culture.
359
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,005
Yes!
360
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,472
Hey, I'm Benny.
Yeah.
361
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,707
We've actually
met before.
362
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:21,875
Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't
talking to you guys.
363
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,276
I'm doing my testimonial
364
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,012
for my "Amazing Race"
submission.
365
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,514
I'm just a guy looking
for a challenge
366
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,282
that'll change
his life forever.
367
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,618
Yes?
So, yeah.
368
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,186
Thank you so much
for this A/C.
369
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,888
If there's anything
I can do to repay you--
370
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,890
Actually, if you guys
want to carry boxes
371
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,191
to the truck,
that'd be great.
372
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,426
I guess.
Okay.
373
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,929
A couple of my best friends
showed up.
374
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:44,264
Even though
they were pretty stacked,
375
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,966
I've got to keep my eye
on the prize--
376
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,968
"The Amazing Race"!
377
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:52,072
**
378
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,386
Thanks so much,
guys.
379
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,755
You really pulled my butt
out of the fire.
380
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,123
Yeah, thanks for--
381
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,124
One question--
Why do you guys
382
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,192
want a broken
air conditioner?
383
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,193
What?
384
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,627
Your post said,
and I quote,
385
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,364
"Broke-ass girl looking
for an A/C to match."
386
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,531
Why would I ever want
a broken air conditioner?
387
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,267
(bleep)!
(bleep) me!
388
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,869
I'm not big into slang,
389
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,904
but I assumed "broke-ass"
means "broken"?
390
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,738
Okay, I know you guys
are annoyed right now--
391
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:26,940
I'm great
at reading vibes--
392
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,442
but are either of you good
at bungee jumping,
393
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:30,978
or can drive
a stick shift?
394
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,245
I need someone
for "Amazing Race"
395
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,646
because my mom
just pulled out.
396
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,883
Maybe your dad
should have pulled out.
397
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,150
Whoa, dude.
398
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,718
That was awesome.
I just thought of that.
399
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:39,719
I don't get it.
400
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:40,888
Why don't you take Bevers?
401
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,122
Oh, he can't.
402
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:43,190
He's got all those kittens
to take care of.
403
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,291
What kittens?
404
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,994
Oh, drama.
What?
405
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,695
Drama seems to follow me
wherever I go,
406
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:49,796
especially when
I'm with the ladies--
407
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,132
Stop talking now,
please!
408
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,202
Stop doing
your lame-o video!
409
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,537
You're not
gonna make it!
410
00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:02,042
Can we try that again
without you guys yelling?
411
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,343
This is gonna work.
412
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,978
I left my air conditioner
here last year
413
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,547
when I graduated.
It's technically still mine.
414
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:08,548
It's like when a mom
415
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:09,983
gives up a baby
for adoption,
416
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,184
she should
be able to go
417
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,386
and get that baby back
whenever she pleases.
418
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,923
I can't-- I can't get into
adoption with you again.
419
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,458
It's--
Smart. Smart.
420
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:20,928
(Ilana)
Hello, sir!
421
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,362
I'm gonna sign
my friend in here.
422
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,165
This is expired.
423
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,236
Oh, I see.
We are loving lesbians,
424
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,938
so this is because
we're clearly lesbians?
425
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,172
Okay.
426
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,441
'Cause your
hetero-normative notion--
427
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:35,842
I don't care
if you're lesbians.
428
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,145
Okay.
429
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,347
I guess it's because
we're straight, then?
430
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,249
Because we're a minority
in our class,
431
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:43,683
we shouldn't
be treated equally?
432
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:47,520
The straight girls of 2015
shafted yet again!
433
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,623
You kids are all straight,
and you're all gay.
434
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,992
Thank you.
435
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,860
Thank you, sir.
436
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,195
(Abbi) Okay,
we'll just do the thing,
437
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,763
get in, get out.
We got this.
438
00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:58,398
Yes, we got this.
(grunting)
439
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,670
Guys, some lady
and her mom are here.
440
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,972
(Ilana)
Good one.
441
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,339
What are you, a comedian?
Pretty much.
442
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,241
My uncle
is Adam Corolla.
443
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,377
(whispering)
That's it.
444
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,346
(Abbi) Okay, we're
your new R.A.s,
445
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,682
so I'd cut it with
the douche-fest, ASAP.
446
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,650
This is a spontaneous
room raid.
447
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,519
Whoo!
448
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,753
Guys, we don't want
any trouble.
449
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,289
I'm hoping, boys,
450
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,424
that we don't find
any contraband in here,
451
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,493
'cause that would not
be good for you.
452
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,328
Uh-oh.
Mini-fridge.
453
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,599
(gasping)
Hey, now!
454
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,035
What do we got here?
455
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,603
Mad vodka, huh?
456
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,105
Good stuff, huh?
457
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,272
And it's also
against the rules.
458
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,174
Strike uno!
459
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,143
(Abbi) Lordy, lordy!
460
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:44,477
(laughing)
461
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,179
Janet's 40!
462
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,882
This is... Stah-rike two!
463
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,451
(sniffing)
464
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,053
(Abbi) What is it, girl?
What is it?
465
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,888
Smell something?
(sniffing)
466
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,024
(gasping)
467
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,725
Lordy, lordy.
468
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:03,263
Janet just turned 40!
469
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,397
What the crap is that?
470
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:05,565
This is strike three.
471
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,766
Honestly,
that's not ours.
472
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,036
Yeah, who would leave weed
in a wall, anyway?
473
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,304
(mocking) Who would
leave weed in a wall?
474
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,905
A weed genius!
475
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,541
And she'd leave it there
indefinitely,
476
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,144
in case of emergency.
477
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:20,680
This is a serious violation
of the ethics code
478
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:24,051
our dear university
abides by.
479
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:27,954
I'm sorry, but as R.A.s,
we've got to report you.
480
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,558
Hold on, Ilana.
Hold on, hold on.
481
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,160
I don't think
the head R .A. needs
482
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,494
to find out
about this.
483
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:35,895
It's their
first violation.
484
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,731
Maybe we just revoke
the A/C privileges, you know?
485
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,200
Call it a day.
486
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,868
I guess that's fair.
Deal.
487
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,636
Guys, seriously,
the weed isn't ours.
488
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:44,871
It's not ours.
Also...
489
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,239
what does this have to do
with the A/C?
490
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,974
(Abbi) These are the rules,
and when you graduate
491
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,342
and get a real job
like an R .A.,
492
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,477
we can talk about it.
493
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,845
R.A.s are students.
When you graduate,
494
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,382
we can talk about
what an R.A. is and isn't,
495
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,850
and whether or not
we are students.
496
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:02,622
While my partner
in justice
497
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,824
removes your A/C,
498
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:08,428
I'm gonna teach you boys
about the dangers
499
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,163
of ripping
underaged bongs.
500
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,764
Now, you take this,
brother.
501
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,167
You're gonna smoke
the whole bag.
502
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,668
You're first,
little buddy.
503
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,970
Now, suck it up.
(bong bubbling)
504
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,806
That's it.
And here we go.
505
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:23,843
**
506
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,609
(Ilana) Yeah, I invented
this app--
507
00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:00,147
Well, okay, I didn't
invent it yet, but soon.
508
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:03,816
It's this photo app that,
um, adds lasers to images,
509
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,486
so you could put lasers
coming out of eyes,
510
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,421
or nipples,
or buttholes.
511
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,522
That'd be pretty cool,
512
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:10,923
if it wasn't
already an app.
513
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,192
Ugh.
514
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,993
Wow, you hands
are big.
515
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,228
I don't know
what that mean--
516
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:17,830
I could say something,
like "big hands," or...
517
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:18,931
right?
(chuckling)
518
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,267
(laughing)
519
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:21,268
Stop it.
520
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:23,035
You're so funny.
521
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,504
Have you ever
heard of Bleepy?
522
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,406
Of course!
Bleepy is huge!
523
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,175
Well, I invented that.
524
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,576
No!
It's obviously
525
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,379
not my only capitalist
venture at this time.
526
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,447
Eww.
527
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,216
Whoa, look at that.
528
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,187
Dude.
529
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,722
I'm definitely applying
here next year.
530
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:45,192
Wait, I thought you said
you're a senior.
531
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,894
I am, at Morristown
Prep Academy.
532
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:50,930
Okay.
533
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:55,802
So, how... old are you?
534
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,737
16.
535
00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:01,441
Oh, I've done it again.
536
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:02,642
I'm a repeated
sex offender.
537
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:03,776
I'm a monster,
538
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,278
and I just have to deal
with that, so...
539
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,446
Okay, okay.
540
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:09,516
So, you made out
with a minor.
541
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,985
You finished
a couple of moments
542
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,721
after a dude
went unconscious.
543
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,723
You're a sex offender
at worst!
544
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,758
Welcome to the club.
(scoffing)
545
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:19,792
Honestly.
There's a club?
546
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,893
I didn't know
there was a club.
547
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,229
Yeah, it's, uh...
(laughing)
548
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,463
it's not hard
to get into.
549
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:27,133
(both laughing)
550
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:30,136
And very, very
happy birthday.
551
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,771
Thank you.
552
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,606
"Reginald Corolla"?
Yeah.
553
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:37,977
This asshole's got $3,600
on his meal card.
554
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,879
That's awesome,
'cause my office
555
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,114
is right around the corner
from an NYU dining hall.
556
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,983
That's amazing.
I love it.
557
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,254
I am honored
and thrilled
558
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,988
that you would
steal something for me.
559
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,123
I feel like
a fugitive.
Yeah?
560
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:54,261
And if anyone asks,
I'll say...
561
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,728
the one-armed man
took it.
562
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,096
(both laughing)
563
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,300
Yes.
564
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,801
You don't get it,
do you?
565
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,503
No, I don't
get it at all.
566
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,605
(both laughing)
567
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,710
Ooh, you guys are gonna
have to thank Aunt Abbi
568
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,345
for your comfy
new bed.
569
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,980
That's her sweatshirt.
570
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,082
We're a happy family,
right?
571
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,518
You got me,
Daddy-Maddy.
572
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,320
You got Odysseus,
573
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,223
Medusa, Artemis,
Hermes.
574
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,259
You got Drew--
575
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,394
Drew?
576
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:30,363
Guys, where is Drew?
577
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:31,731
Drew!
578
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,866
It is so nice in here!
579
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,034
So good.
It's so good!
580
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,235
I feel amazing.
It's amazing.
581
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,337
It's like a whole
other apartment.
582
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,338
It is, right?
583
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:39,339
Like a whole 'nother
apartment, yeah.
584
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,507
Yes. Yes!
585
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,641
(coughing)
So good.
586
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:42,642
So good.
587
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,210
So good!
588
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,779
(kitten meowing)
589
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:47,814
(kitten meowing)
590
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,650
(together)
Holy (bleep)!
591
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,185
(bleep)!
592
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,921
Who the (bleep)
are you?
593
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,255
(Stacey) How did you
get in here?
594
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,925
How did you get into
my apartment?
595
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,627
(Abbi) You're sitting
here watching us?
596
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:01,994
You (bleep) perv!
597
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,330
Oh, yeah, hide!
Oh, yeah, yeah, hide!
598
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,531
Get in that box!
599
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,933
No, you've got some
explaining to do!
600
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:08,901
(purring)
Are you sure
that's even a cat?
601
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,243
(mocking)
What a sweet boy
you are.
602
00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:19,111
(crying)
(crying)
603
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:21,113
(both crying)
604
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:22,582
(mocking)
I never seen that!
605
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:24,250
I'm a good boy.
I never seen it...
606
00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:26,085
I'm a sweet boy.
In my life. No!
607
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,355
Don't tell my mommy.
I never seen that!
608
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:28,855
What is it?
40248
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