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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,179 Come on! Come on, dude! 2 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,147 It's coming, it's coming. 3 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,382 Go, go, let's go, let's go! 4 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:20,788 (indistinct voice on P.A.) 5 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,223 (both) Yes! 6 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,093 All right, we've gotta go to the back of the train. Okay. 7 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,363 Okay. Hey, sorry. 8 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,132 Excuse-- Okay. 9 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:38,406 ** 10 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:39,807 (chimpanzee shrieking) 11 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,844 (pigs grunting) 12 00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:46,046 (Abbi) Ugh, typical. 13 00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,715 (jackals cackling) 14 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,518 (grunting) 15 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,685 Okay. 16 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,491 (woman) Val? Val! 17 00:00:58,659 --> 00:00:59,960 (moaning) 18 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:01,729 Ilana, come on. 19 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,801 Oh, my God. 20 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,371 ** 21 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,050 Oh! Oh, my-- 22 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,885 Oh, (bleep). 23 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:25,953 (gagging) Oh! 24 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,755 Okay, come on, come on. All right, okay. 25 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,158 (Abbi) What's going on here? 26 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,808 (door chiming) 27 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,512 (men shouting) 28 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,513 Hold up, dude. 29 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,315 We were supposed to be at the front end. 30 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,750 That's what I said. Is it? 31 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:57,751 Is it? Yeah. Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,220 Are you sure? Yeah. 33 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,288 I thou-- I don't know, 34 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,689 I think you said we needed to be at-- 35 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:02,823 Get yourself-- 36 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,858 Don't even, I'm pretty sure I got you. 37 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:05,859 Go away! (laughing) 38 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,060 Get out! 39 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,730 * Four and three and two and one, one ** 40 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,469 (Ilana) I'm telling you, 41 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,706 fat dudes' dicks get sucked back inside their bodies. 42 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,007 (Abbi) I'm not saying you're wrong, 43 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,875 I just don't, like, understand the sucking back 44 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,811 into their bodies part of it. 45 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,079 It's not like it's science suction, Bill Nye! 46 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,248 (both laughing) 47 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,249 I'm just saying, 48 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,418 the more room it has to present itself, 49 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,220 the bigger a penis appears. 50 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,854 Never forget this, okay? 51 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,789 Every 10 pounds a guy loses, 52 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,558 he gains a visual inch. 53 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,559 What, so it's like 54 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,628 the best optical illusion of all time? 55 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:41,629 Exactly. 56 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,896 Like, um, Mount Rushmore, 57 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,832 how it looks, you know, like the presidents? 58 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,936 Well, Mount Rushmore is actually a sculpture. 59 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,571 Like, it was carved by an artist. 60 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,474 Dude, this heat is like killing me right now. 61 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,675 I'm just dying. 62 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,009 Oh, I love it. 63 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:57,245 All my senses are heightened, 64 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,646 even my ethnic ambiguity. 65 00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,780 I was catcalled today 66 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,482 in what I believe is Creole. 67 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,817 Well, I'm on the edge of like swamp ass right now. 68 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,819 I need some A/C. 69 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,887 ** 70 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,856 (Ilana) We're gonna have to throw these out. 71 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,392 Here we go. 72 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,461 This lighting is incredible. 73 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:14,995 Hey, do you have any tweezers? 74 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,431 Um, not on me, no. 75 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,632 Ilana, did I tell you that 76 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,768 Male Stacey's cooking me dinner tonight? 77 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,436 I mean, if I was a guy, 78 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,171 that is what I would do for a girl. 79 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:26,640 You should check out the Colin Farrell sex tape, 80 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,442 just to get back in the swing of things, 81 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,478 specifically 8:58. 82 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:31,945 He is feasting on her (bleep) 83 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,947 like it is a dang milk shake. 84 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,683 (Irish accent) It's me breakfast, 85 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,951 lunch, and (bleep) dinner right here. 86 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,920 (Irish accent) 'Twas 8:58 you said, sire? 87 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:40,988 Yes. 88 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,523 But then you're gonna want to swab the decks 89 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,793 over to 9:44 for some master ass(bleep) play. 90 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,296 And then round it out at 12:47 with some 91 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:51,164 good old-fashioned (bleep) (bleep). 92 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,866 (Abbi) Oh. So sorry. 93 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,303 We love New York moms. 94 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,970 (Abbi) Um, I'm gonna buy these, 95 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,373 because they're now, like, sort of part of my body. 96 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,041 So... Perfect. 97 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,713 You said 8:58? 98 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,080 You're gonna like what you see. 99 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,316 I guarantee it. 100 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:13,854 ** 101 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,022 (Abbi) Yeah, so then they got divorced, 102 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,358 but they're still really good friends. 103 00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,659 Yeah? My parents too. 104 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,461 Divorced, still good friends. 105 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,662 So cool, right? So cool. 106 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:22,663 I hope to get married 107 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:23,664 just to get divorced one day. 108 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,965 (both laughing) 109 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,334 I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of massively 110 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,801 regretting my decision to sizzle fajitas 111 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,937 two inches from my head. 112 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,939 But I'm glad I wore my awesome new shirt. 113 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:32,940 It's like a smiley face. 114 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:33,941 It-- Kind of like a smiley face. 115 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:34,942 It is! Look at that. 116 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:35,943 My plan is working. 117 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,612 Get you over here, hide the A/C, 118 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,881 get those clothes off. 119 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,016 You don't actually have an air conditioner, do you? 120 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,185 No, I don't. 121 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,787 Okay. (chuckling) 122 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:47,788 I'm gonna go. 123 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,156 I think I'm gonna go wipe up-- 124 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:50,858 I'm gonna go wipe my-- 125 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,125 I'm gonna pee. 126 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,461 I'll pee and then you know what I'll do? 127 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,995 I'll wipe-- 128 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,632 I'm gonna use the ladies' room. 129 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,368 All right. 130 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,269 (bleep), it's hot. 131 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,005 Oh. 132 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,274 Okay. 133 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,609 All right. Jesus, cool down. 134 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,043 Just cool down, Abbi. 135 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,379 You're cool, you're cool. 136 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,513 You're cool. 137 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,383 You look good. You feel good. 138 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:17,785 That's cool. 139 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,887 Cool mode. 140 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,021 Here we go. 141 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,190 (hair dryer blowing) 142 00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:31,432 (toilet flushing) 143 00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,067 Yo! Hey! 144 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,068 What up? 145 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,069 I just peed. Yeah? 146 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,871 I've just been cooking. Uh... 147 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,306 I was thinking, maybe we forget about 148 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,642 the fajitas, um, for a sec. 149 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,744 I have a fan in my room. 150 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,747 Uh, that's where I sleep and do other stuff. 151 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,416 Cool. 152 00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,150 (Ilana) Animated movies are where it's at. 153 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,652 It's like visual crack. 154 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,487 Hey, my daughter loves "Frozen." 155 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,855 Watches it over and over... (Ilana) Oh, yes. 156 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,590 looped and loop-- She's frozen. 157 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,658 (Ilana) Exactly. 158 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,760 All Hollywood media is porn, 159 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,162 and all porn is kiddie porn. 160 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,296 Ooh. 161 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,799 We live in a rape culture, you know? We just do. 162 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:06,967 I'm gonna run to the little girl's room. 163 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,237 That is rape culture language right there. 164 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,506 Wow. Wow, wow, wow, oh. 165 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,641 Where'd you meet her, man? 166 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,175 At a Foot Locker in Times Square. 167 00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,510 She was just hanging out. 168 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,779 She wasn't buying anything, she was just chilling. 169 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,282 I'm gonna take your pants off. 170 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,684 Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. 171 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:24,685 Okay. They're just... 172 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,086 really tight. Yep, little bit. 173 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,087 I'm sorry. 174 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,088 It's just because it's hot out. 175 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,089 (grunting) They're really on there. 176 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,090 All right, I'm gonna hold the bed, 177 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,258 you just pull, okay? Okay, on three. 178 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:32,560 (both) One, two... 179 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,161 three. Oh, no. 180 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,663 Oh, no. 181 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,766 Did you have an accident or something? 182 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:39,833 When you went to the bathroom, 183 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,334 to wipe yourself up earlier... 184 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,203 I was peeing. I-- I got major swamp ass, 185 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,705 and I started to shove paper towels 186 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,474 in my butt crack to try to absorb it, 187 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,876 and I just realized that they're still in there. 188 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,011 So, let's just pause. Let's just pause. 189 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,012 Okay? Okay. 190 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,246 Just give me one second. All right. 191 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,621 That's a lot of paper towels. 192 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,490 Do you recycle? 193 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,091 I make more eye contact with this face 194 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:05,693 than any human being's face. 195 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,760 It's crazy. 196 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,696 I love "watching" it. 197 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:12,099 (laughter) 198 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,867 Happy birthday! 199 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,035 (scattered applause) Whose birthday is it? 200 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,570 Very funny. 201 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,707 Oh, it's a tooth cake? 202 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,378 Yup. Happy birthday! 203 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,714 Get up, yeah. 204 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,949 Birthday boy, and we all knew it... 205 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:29,983 Yeah. Huh? 206 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,527 Oh, Abbi. 207 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,528 Stacey, yeah, it's so good. 208 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,529 Oh, Abbi. That's good. 209 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:42,863 I feel crazy. I feel-- 210 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,297 Me too. It's so crazy. 211 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,633 I really feel-- 212 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,767 I feel really-- 213 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,768 Ah. 214 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,937 Ah, Stacey. That's so good. 215 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,371 Stacey. 216 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,140 Stacey! 217 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,274 Stace? 218 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:55,442 Male Stacey! 219 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,444 Male Stacey! 220 00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,547 Oh, (bleep). 221 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,016 (jackhammer pounding) 222 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,284 (shouting) So, to clarify, you raped-- 223 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,452 (jackhammer stops) (speaking) Ooh. 224 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,020 You raped him. 225 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,556 No, no. 226 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,390 He passed out from the heat. 227 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,125 He seriously wanted it. 228 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:15,729 Ooh! That is literally what "they" say. 229 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,565 Yeah, but I really mean it. 230 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,199 So do "they." 231 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,200 Well, I-- 232 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,004 Dude, did you... finish? 233 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,740 My God, I raped him, dude. 234 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,241 I-- I raped Male Stacey. 235 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,376 I'm a monster. Wow. 236 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,410 I need an air conditioner, immediately! 237 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,080 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! 238 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,415 ** 239 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,751 They moved the fans. Good call. 240 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,052 You know, I was gonna say something, 241 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,453 but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know, 242 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,389 'cause like, I don't work here. 243 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,791 Why don't you work here? 244 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,026 You don't (bleep) where you eat. 245 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,728 Ooh, Turbie Twist. 246 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:48,729 You think Lincoln would want 247 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:49,997 one of these for his birthday? 248 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,965 Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair. 249 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,466 (clicking tongue) Ugh, right. 250 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,467 Right? Right, right, right. 251 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,036 Yeah. Hmm. Yep, you're right. 252 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,070 You know what? Follow me. 253 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,305 We'll check out the ravioli attachments 254 00:08:58,405 --> 00:08:59,439 for his pasta maker. 255 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,109 Lincoln has a pasta maker? No way. 256 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,176 Yeah, you don't know about this? 257 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,277 The homemade pasta. 258 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,879 He makes a different kind every Sunday night. 259 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:06,980 It's on his blog. 260 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,081 What blog? 261 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,917 "The Al Dente Dentist." 262 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,484 Do you not talk to Lincoln? 263 00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,253 It should be called "The Al Dentist." 264 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,354 No, we don't-- 265 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,889 We don't talk. We hook up, 266 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:16,957 I smoke him up, we watch TV. 267 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:17,958 It's great. 268 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,426 Abbi! 269 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,295 You come here, you don't come find me in flatware? 270 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,131 Come on! Oh, ho, ho, ho! 271 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,132 Wow! 272 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,233 (both) Hmm. 273 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,802 Here we go. This is it. 274 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,638 Whew! 275 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,972 Yes. 276 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,241 Whoo! Right. 277 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,644 Blam! (scatting) I'm just gonna... 278 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:39,680 Oh, my God. 279 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,381 Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. 280 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,786 All right. Thank you, guys. 281 00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,320 Thank you so much. 282 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,456 Whoa! Oh, ho, ho! 283 00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,025 Holler at me, Abbi! (laughing) 284 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,194 Good to see you, Abbi. Oh, I'll see you. 285 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,295 How often do you come in here? 286 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,529 Not that much. 287 00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,198 Well, look what the cat dragged in. 288 00:09:58,298 --> 00:09:59,667 Hey. All right. 289 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,368 Oh, my God. 290 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,205 The planning this takes is unbelievable. 291 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,674 This is incredible. What's going on? 292 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,375 Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me. 293 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,643 (both laughing) 294 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,344 Hi, pretty lady! What's up? 295 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,646 What is up? Oh, look-- 296 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,814 Okay. You know what? 297 00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:14,815 I've got a cutting board with your name on it. 298 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,016 Stunning. No! 299 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,017 No, really, I've been calling it "The Abbi." 300 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,018 Great. Oh! 301 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,552 You go do that. 302 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,388 I will get an air conditioner. 303 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,891 Meet you back on the thing. 304 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,393 This feels great. It is so good. 305 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,028 It's an investment, you know? Right? 306 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,629 I'll look for a cab on the side streets, 307 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:30,630 you take the avenue. 308 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,399 Genius. All angles. Whoo! 309 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,769 Come on, New York! 310 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:40,007 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! BRB! 311 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,441 Ab, I got one! 312 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,143 Right back here! Are you (bleep) kidding me? 313 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,012 Oh, my God! What the-- 314 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,348 (bleep)! 315 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,349 What do you think about this 316 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,818 for my Facebook status update? 317 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:53,921 "Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap. 318 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,055 Thanks. Bye, guys." 319 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,156 "Bye, guys" is my favorite part. 320 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,657 I love that. I want more you. 321 00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:58,926 I want more panache. 322 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,528 I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz. 323 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,562 Eww, okay. 324 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,067 Maybe Lincoln would want an avocado for his birthday? 325 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,902 Or like a bag of avocados? 326 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:09,970 No. 327 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:14,541 Sent into... Cloud. 328 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,476 Whoa, dude, I got two responses already. 329 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,912 Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. 330 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,649 They are like up Facebook's butthole, no shame! 331 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,584 Okay, one is from my old babysitter. 332 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:25,585 Whoa. 333 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:26,653 Who, if I'm being honest, 334 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,355 potentially broke up my parents. 335 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,390 Whoa! So, no. 336 00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,492 The second one's Benny Calitri. 337 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:33,761 Who's Benny Calitri? 338 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,395 I have one mutual friend. 339 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,998 (humming) 340 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,333 (phone vibrating) 341 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,769 Hello? 342 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,303 Hey, Bevers. Who's Benny Calitri? 343 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,005 Do I know him? Yes! 344 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,506 Remember you had that party, 345 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,275 you told me I couldn't bring a "plus one"? 346 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,777 He was my "plus one"! 347 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,078 Great, thanks. He's one of my best friends. 348 00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:52,479 Did you guys-- 349 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,817 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 350 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,651 Mmm, mmm, mmm! 351 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,488 Mm-- Uh-oh! (laughing) 352 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,925 (humming) 353 00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,827 You know, I've never been to this neighborhood before, 354 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,397 but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist! 355 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:12,900 Okay. All right. 356 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:13,934 Listen, Ab... That I am. 357 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,435 It's reverse rapism. 358 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:16,937 You are raping rape culture. 359 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,005 Yes! 360 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,472 Hey, I'm Benny. Yeah. 361 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,707 We've actually met before. 362 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:21,875 Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you guys. 363 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,276 I'm doing my testimonial 364 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,012 for my "Amazing Race" submission. 365 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,514 I'm just a guy looking for a challenge 366 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,282 that'll change his life forever. 367 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,618 Yes? So, yeah. 368 00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,186 Thank you so much for this A/C. 369 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,888 If there's anything I can do to repay you-- 370 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,890 Actually, if you guys want to carry boxes 371 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,191 to the truck, that'd be great. 372 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,426 I guess. Okay. 373 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,929 A couple of my best friends showed up. 374 00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:44,264 Even though they were pretty stacked, 375 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,966 I've got to keep my eye on the prize-- 376 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,968 "The Amazing Race"! 377 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:52,072 ** 378 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,386 Thanks so much, guys. 379 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,755 You really pulled my butt out of the fire. 380 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,123 Yeah, thanks for-- 381 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,124 One question-- Why do you guys 382 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,192 want a broken air conditioner? 383 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,193 What? 384 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,627 Your post said, and I quote, 385 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,364 "Broke-ass girl looking for an A/C to match." 386 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,531 Why would I ever want a broken air conditioner? 387 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,267 (bleep)! (bleep) me! 388 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,869 I'm not big into slang, 389 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,904 but I assumed "broke-ass" means "broken"? 390 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,738 Okay, I know you guys are annoyed right now-- 391 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:26,940 I'm great at reading vibes-- 392 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,442 but are either of you good at bungee jumping, 393 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:30,978 or can drive a stick shift? 394 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,245 I need someone for "Amazing Race" 395 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,646 because my mom just pulled out. 396 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,883 Maybe your dad should have pulled out. 397 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,150 Whoa, dude. 398 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,718 That was awesome. I just thought of that. 399 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:39,719 I don't get it. 400 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:40,888 Why don't you take Bevers? 401 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,122 Oh, he can't. 402 00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:43,190 He's got all those kittens to take care of. 403 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,291 What kittens? 404 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,994 Oh, drama. What? 405 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,695 Drama seems to follow me wherever I go, 406 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:49,796 especially when I'm with the ladies-- 407 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,132 Stop talking now, please! 408 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,202 Stop doing your lame-o video! 409 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,537 You're not gonna make it! 410 00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:02,042 Can we try that again without you guys yelling? 411 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,343 This is gonna work. 412 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,978 I left my air conditioner here last year 413 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,547 when I graduated. It's technically still mine. 414 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:08,548 It's like when a mom 415 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:09,983 gives up a baby for adoption, 416 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,184 she should be able to go 417 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,386 and get that baby back whenever she pleases. 418 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:15,923 I can't-- I can't get into adoption with you again. 419 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,458 It's-- Smart. Smart. 420 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:20,928 (Ilana) Hello, sir! 421 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,362 I'm gonna sign my friend in here. 422 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,165 This is expired. 423 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,236 Oh, I see. We are loving lesbians, 424 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,938 so this is because we're clearly lesbians? 425 00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,172 Okay. 426 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,441 'Cause your hetero-normative notion-- 427 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:35,842 I don't care if you're lesbians. 428 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,145 Okay. 429 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,347 I guess it's because we're straight, then? 430 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,249 Because we're a minority in our class, 431 00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:43,683 we shouldn't be treated equally? 432 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:47,520 The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again! 433 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,623 You kids are all straight, and you're all gay. 434 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,992 Thank you. 435 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,860 Thank you, sir. 436 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,195 (Abbi) Okay, we'll just do the thing, 437 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,763 get in, get out. We got this. 438 00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:58,398 Yes, we got this. (grunting) 439 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,670 Guys, some lady and her mom are here. 440 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,972 (Ilana) Good one. 441 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,339 What are you, a comedian? Pretty much. 442 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,241 My uncle is Adam Corolla. 443 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,377 (whispering) That's it. 444 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,346 (Abbi) Okay, we're your new R.A.s, 445 00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,682 so I'd cut it with the douche-fest, ASAP. 446 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,650 This is a spontaneous room raid. 447 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,519 Whoo! 448 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,753 Guys, we don't want any trouble. 449 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,289 I'm hoping, boys, 450 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,424 that we don't find any contraband in here, 451 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,493 'cause that would not be good for you. 452 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,328 Uh-oh. Mini-fridge. 453 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,599 (gasping) Hey, now! 454 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:35,035 What do we got here? 455 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,603 Mad vodka, huh? 456 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,105 Good stuff, huh? 457 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,272 And it's also against the rules. 458 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,174 Strike uno! 459 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,143 (Abbi) Lordy, lordy! 460 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:44,477 (laughing) 461 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,179 Janet's 40! 462 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,882 This is... Stah-rike two! 463 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,451 (sniffing) 464 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,053 (Abbi) What is it, girl? What is it? 465 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,888 Smell something? (sniffing) 466 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,024 (gasping) 467 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,725 Lordy, lordy. 468 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:03,263 Janet just turned 40! 469 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,397 What the crap is that? 470 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:05,565 This is strike three. 471 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,766 Honestly, that's not ours. 472 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,036 Yeah, who would leave weed in a wall, anyway? 473 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,304 (mocking) Who would leave weed in a wall? 474 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,905 A weed genius! 475 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,541 And she'd leave it there indefinitely, 476 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,144 in case of emergency. 477 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:20,680 This is a serious violation of the ethics code 478 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:24,051 our dear university abides by. 479 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:27,954 I'm sorry, but as R.A.s, we've got to report you. 480 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,558 Hold on, Ilana. Hold on, hold on. 481 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,160 I don't think the head R .A. needs 482 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,494 to find out about this. 483 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:35,895 It's their first violation. 484 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,731 Maybe we just revoke the A/C privileges, you know? 485 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,200 Call it a day. 486 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,868 I guess that's fair. Deal. 487 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,636 Guys, seriously, the weed isn't ours. 488 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:44,871 It's not ours. Also... 489 00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,239 what does this have to do with the A/C? 490 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,974 (Abbi) These are the rules, and when you graduate 491 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,342 and get a real job like an R .A., 492 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,477 we can talk about it. 493 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,845 R.A.s are students. When you graduate, 494 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,382 we can talk about what an R.A. is and isn't, 495 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,850 and whether or not we are students. 496 00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:02,622 While my partner in justice 497 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,824 removes your A/C, 498 00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:08,428 I'm gonna teach you boys about the dangers 499 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,163 of ripping underaged bongs. 500 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,764 Now, you take this, brother. 501 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,167 You're gonna smoke the whole bag. 502 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,668 You're first, little buddy. 503 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,970 Now, suck it up. (bong bubbling) 504 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,806 That's it. And here we go. 505 00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:23,843 ** 506 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,609 (Ilana) Yeah, I invented this app-- 507 00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:00,147 Well, okay, I didn't invent it yet, but soon. 508 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:03,816 It's this photo app that, um, adds lasers to images, 509 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,486 so you could put lasers coming out of eyes, 510 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,421 or nipples, or buttholes. 511 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,522 That'd be pretty cool, 512 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:10,923 if it wasn't already an app. 513 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,192 Ugh. 514 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,993 Wow, you hands are big. 515 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,228 I don't know what that mean-- 516 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:17,830 I could say something, like "big hands," or... 517 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:18,931 right? (chuckling) 518 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,267 (laughing) 519 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:21,268 Stop it. 520 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:23,035 You're so funny. 521 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,504 Have you ever heard of Bleepy? 522 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,406 Of course! Bleepy is huge! 523 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,175 Well, I invented that. 524 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,576 No! It's obviously 525 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,379 not my only capitalist venture at this time. 526 00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,447 Eww. 527 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,216 Whoa, look at that. 528 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,187 Dude. 529 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,722 I'm definitely applying here next year. 530 00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:45,192 Wait, I thought you said you're a senior. 531 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,894 I am, at Morristown Prep Academy. 532 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:50,930 Okay. 533 00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:55,802 So, how... old are you? 534 00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,737 16. 535 00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:01,441 Oh, I've done it again. 536 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:02,642 I'm a repeated sex offender. 537 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:03,776 I'm a monster, 538 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,278 and I just have to deal with that, so... 539 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,446 Okay, okay. 540 00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:09,516 So, you made out with a minor. 541 00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,985 You finished a couple of moments 542 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,721 after a dude went unconscious. 543 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,723 You're a sex offender at worst! 544 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,758 Welcome to the club. (scoffing) 545 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:19,792 Honestly. There's a club? 546 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,893 I didn't know there was a club. 547 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,229 Yeah, it's, uh... (laughing) 548 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,463 it's not hard to get into. 549 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:27,133 (both laughing) 550 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:30,136 And very, very happy birthday. 551 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,771 Thank you. 552 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,606 "Reginald Corolla"? Yeah. 553 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:37,977 This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card. 554 00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,879 That's awesome, 'cause my office 555 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,114 is right around the corner from an NYU dining hall. 556 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,983 That's amazing. I love it. 557 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,254 I am honored and thrilled 558 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,988 that you would steal something for me. 559 00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,123 I feel like a fugitive. Yeah? 560 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:54,261 And if anyone asks, I'll say... 561 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,728 the one-armed man took it. 562 00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,096 (both laughing) 563 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,300 Yes. 564 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,801 You don't get it, do you? 565 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,503 No, I don't get it at all. 566 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,605 (both laughing) 567 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,710 Ooh, you guys are gonna have to thank Aunt Abbi 568 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,345 for your comfy new bed. 569 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,980 That's her sweatshirt. 570 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,082 We're a happy family, right? 571 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,518 You got me, Daddy-Maddy. 572 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,320 You got Odysseus, 573 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,223 Medusa, Artemis, Hermes. 574 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,259 You got Drew-- 575 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,394 Drew? 576 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:30,363 Guys, where is Drew? 577 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:31,731 Drew! 578 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,866 It is so nice in here! 579 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,034 So good. It's so good! 580 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,235 I feel amazing. It's amazing. 581 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,337 It's like a whole other apartment. 582 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,338 It is, right? 583 00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:39,339 Like a whole 'nother apartment, yeah. 584 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:40,507 Yes. Yes! 585 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,641 (coughing) So good. 586 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:42,642 So good. 587 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,210 So good! 588 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,779 (kitten meowing) 589 00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:47,814 (kitten meowing) 590 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,650 (together) Holy (bleep)! 591 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,185 (bleep)! 592 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,921 Who the (bleep) are you? 593 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,255 (Stacey) How did you get in here? 594 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,925 How did you get into my apartment? 595 00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,627 (Abbi) You're sitting here watching us? 596 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:01,994 You (bleep) perv! 597 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,330 Oh, yeah, hide! Oh, yeah, yeah, hide! 598 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,531 Get in that box! 599 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,933 No, you've got some explaining to do! 600 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:08,901 (purring) Are you sure that's even a cat? 601 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,243 (mocking) What a sweet boy you are. 602 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:19,111 (crying) (crying) 603 00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:21,113 (both crying) 604 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:22,582 (mocking) I never seen that! 605 00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:24,250 I'm a good boy. I never seen it... 606 00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:26,085 I'm a sweet boy. In my life. No! 607 00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,355 Don't tell my mommy. I never seen that! 608 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:28,855 What is it? 40248

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