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1
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,467
(Abbi and Ilana)
Previously on "Broad City"...
2
00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:10,467
To the airport!
3
00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,467
(Abbi)
You have a period stain.
4
00:00:11,567 --> 00:00:12,800
I have weed
in my vaginé.
5
00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:14,867
Period pants are
the ultimate decoy.
6
00:00:14,967 --> 00:00:16,133
We'll have to
check your luggage.
7
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,467
This bag is the bomb.
8
00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:19,333
This is gonna have to go
under the plane.
9
00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:21,733
(Jared)
Welcome to Birthmarc.
10
00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:23,833
This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,
11
00:00:23,933 --> 00:00:25,567
provided by your
living ancestors,
12
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,600
so we're seated according
to match potential.
13
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:28,600
Enchanté.
14
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,533
Jews! Jews!
Jews!
15
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,733
* Put your tray tables up
and put your seat back forward *
16
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:36,967
* And if you got
something big *
17
00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:38,667
* Put it in
overhead storage *
18
00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:40,967
* Life vest,
seatbelt, oxygen *
19
00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:43,800
* You better help yourself
before you help a friend *
20
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,000
Safety.
21
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,167
Yeah.
22
00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:49,933
*
23
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,300
* And you can't
be weird today *
24
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,700
* 'Cause there's too much crazy
stuff in the world today *
25
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,367
* Get real high
26
00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:01,633
* 'Cause we're flying
and zooming the sky *
27
00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:05,333
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
28
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,100
4,000 steps.
29
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,067
Oh, Winona,
you gotta kick it up, girl.
30
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:15,667
I just wish I had
something to talk about
31
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,833
at my reunion,
you know?
32
00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:19,067
Maybe I shouldn't
even go.
33
00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:20,067
What?
34
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,533
No, you gotta go.
35
00:01:21,633 --> 00:01:23,100
They're gonna
miss you.
36
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,867
You need to go give
them a load of Mona.
37
00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:26,900
I just wish I had a...
38
00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:28,533
Like, a talking point,
you know?
39
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:31,200
I need a headline.
40
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,700
Whoa, girl.
41
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,267
Boy, those pilots,
they do such a good job.
42
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:36,500
They really work hard.
I'm telling you.
43
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,533
We should go
check on them,
44
00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:38,533
see if they want
a little beverage.
45
00:01:38,633 --> 00:01:39,533
I'll be right back.
46
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:40,533
Know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
47
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,067
Okay.
48
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,600
(door opening)
49
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:45,733
Everything okay?
50
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:46,867
Rough winds.
51
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:47,933
Looking good, girl.
52
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:49,433
Well, thank you.
53
00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:51,700
Ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to hit a rough patch.
54
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,933
If you move about the cabin,
please proceed with caution.
55
00:02:00,167 --> 00:02:01,600
(moaning)
56
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,567
(Jared)
Up next is Rachel.
57
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,933
Hi, I'm Rachel Hanowitz.
58
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,400
Uh, Rachel Hoffman already
called Rachel H., sorry.
59
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,600
So you will be
Rachel H-2.
60
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,333
I'm an event planner
from Montana,
61
00:02:17,433 --> 00:02:19,800
decent Jewish population
there, actually,
62
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,867
but I'm looking
to make it bigger.
63
00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:26,633
That's what I'm
talking about, huh, guys?
64
00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:28,267
Thank you.
(clapping)
65
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:29,500
Uh, Mark?
66
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,700
Uh, shalom,
my name is Mark.
67
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,767
I run a booming nail art
business outside Boston,
68
00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:39,433
and I'm proudly gay--
mazel--
69
00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:42,733
but I'm looking for
a nice Jewish girl to marry.
70
00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:44,500
Because that's the only
way I can gain access
71
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,067
to my trust fund.
72
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,067
(Jared)
Nice!
73
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,667
Right on, Mark,
all right.
74
00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:51,167
(clapping)
75
00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:53,767
Uh, Abbalah?
76
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:01,333
Hey.
77
00:03:01,433 --> 00:03:02,967
Uh, I'm Abbi.
78
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:05,633
Just wanted to say that
I was one of the few
79
00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:07,967
who had to check
their carry-on,
80
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,700
even though I packed
really hard for a carry-on.
81
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,200
I practice packed
a couple times.
82
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,200
Just felt like
that was a sacrifice.
83
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:17,567
It felt a little Jewwy.
84
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:19,467
Um, Jewish-like.
85
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,067
Anyway, I graduated
with a fine arts degree.
86
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:26,300
So now I am a
celebrity trainer.
87
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:31,600
Um, Kris Kristofferson comes in,
mostly core work.
88
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,433
It-- Uh, it's pretty cool.
89
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:37,067
So I'm a little bit
lost and, um,
90
00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:41,333
yeah, I'm looking for
a spiritual experience,
91
00:03:41,433 --> 00:03:43,600
kind find myself
on this trip.
92
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:45,367
I'm sorry, Ilana,
are you okay?
93
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,467
Yeah.
94
00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:47,500
I'll go next.
95
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,567
Okay.
Thank you, Abbi.
96
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:49,567
Okay.
Thank you.
97
00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:51,967
(clapping)
98
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,667
Hey, I'm Ilana,
and right now,
99
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,100
I'm just looking
to sit next to Abbi.
100
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,433
You know, I just want to hang,
get new jokes together.
101
00:03:58,533 --> 00:04:01,200
Also, um, I've never been
out of the country, and also--
102
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:05,633
also, I'm looking to get
into the Moyel Chai Club.
103
00:04:05,733 --> 00:04:08,367
(Abbi laughing)
104
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,667
Thank you.
105
00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:11,767
(clapping)
106
00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:12,833
Okay.
107
00:04:12,933 --> 00:04:13,833
Um...
108
00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:15,400
Let's see, Rachel H-2,
109
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,433
you went to
Dartmouth, huh?
110
00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,400
Mm-hmm.
Well, you know what?
111
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,600
I think I could see
a really bright future
112
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:22,333
with you and David 3,
who went to Cornell.
113
00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:24,233
Ew, Cornell?
114
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,200
Hey, it's still an Ivy.
115
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,433
(Jared)
Ah, you guys sound like an old
married couple already.
116
00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:31,733
Next up, Lauren, you went
to Brown, and Levi,
117
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,367
you went to Tufts?
118
00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:36,367
I mean, Red Rover, Red Rover,
let Levi come over!
119
00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:38,667
Let's bring it on down
to Gingerville!
120
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,600
(all laughing)
121
00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,267
I said,
this is J-(bleep).
122
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:43,733
Oh, cool.
123
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:46,267
Listen, we should just
ask people to switch seats.
124
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:48,333
Get ya nag on!
125
00:04:48,433 --> 00:04:49,400
Nagga, what?
126
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,400
Hmm?
127
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:51,533
No, no.
128
00:04:51,633 --> 00:04:53,233
I don't--
that was like--
129
00:04:53,333 --> 00:04:55,267
Just a joke, I mean--
just delete that.
130
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,833
Yeah, delete.
131
00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:58,567
We'll both forget it.
132
00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,500
(electronic beeping)
133
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:03,067
Yo, bud.
134
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,167
You wanna switch seats?
135
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:06,367
Sweet.
136
00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:10,300
Thanks so much,
my peer.
137
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,700
Excuse me, sir?
138
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,500
You are sitting
in the lucky seat
139
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,433
we always upgrade to
first class midflight.
140
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,933
Congratulations.
Come on up!
141
00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:21,967
Let's get you a blanket
and a glass of champagne.
142
00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:23,067
(whispering)
Ilana! Ilana!
143
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,467
Ilana, there's a seat!
144
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:25,767
Ilana!
145
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,333
No, no.
146
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,533
I'm good...
147
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:34,733
(clearing throat)
I'm good.
148
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:35,733
Shalom.
149
00:05:35,833 --> 00:05:38,267
Sir, would you like
to switch seats?
150
00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,100
We did it, dude.
151
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,200
Um, excuse me, sir?
Ab, Ab.
152
00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:02,200
Let the guy
rest in peace.
153
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:03,300
Okay.
154
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,333
I guess we're
close enough.
155
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,400
Yeah.
156
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,633
So I've been meaning
to tell you,
157
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,467
that was a sick
mile high joke.
158
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:09,667
I wasn't joking.
159
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:11,467
The Moyel Chai Club.
160
00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:12,967
You know how moyels
suck baby dick?
161
00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:14,700
Wait, wait,
what's a moyel?
162
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,733
Honestly,
are you Jewish?
163
00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,500
You're not supposed to be
on this trip if you're not.
164
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,067
Dude, I'm sorry, what the
(bleep) is a moyel,
165
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:21,800
and why are they
sucking baby dick?
166
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,067
A moyel is
the Jewish dude
167
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,800
who performs
the circumcisions.
168
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,233
You know,
like a-- a bris.
169
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:27,700
So they don't do it
in the hospital,
170
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,233
so these rabbis
can do whatever they want.
171
00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:33,700
So they take the detached
baby foreskin,
172
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,200
and they roll it around
in their mouths with wine.
173
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:39,800
(retching)
174
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,067
And then they suck the baby dick
itself to stop the bleeding.
175
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,800
What the (bleep)
are you talking about?
176
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:46,367
Literally Judaism.
177
00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:49,400
So at every bris,
someone sucks a baby dick?
178
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,700
Only the most sacred ceremonies
do we get to have
179
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,733
the baby dick sucking.
180
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:54,167
They get to have it?
181
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,300
Yeah, it's like, Christian
people get the Nilla wafer
182
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,300
and we get--
Like a sacrament.
183
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,533
What?
184
00:06:58,633 --> 00:07:00,633
It's a wafer and when you
take it in your mouth,
185
00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:02,067
you let go of all your sins.
All right.
186
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,333
It's actually like,
a beautiful ceremony.
187
00:07:03,433 --> 00:07:05,367
So we're going to
Israel right now,
188
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,067
and we're supposed
to be Jewish.
189
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,233
Anyway, Moyel Chai Club.
190
00:07:08,333 --> 00:07:10,767
I want to (bleep) a dick
on this flight, babe!
191
00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:13,267
An adult dick,
obviously.
192
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:16,067
I can't believe that
you want to (bleep) a dick
193
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:18,100
after everything that just
came out of your mouth.
194
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,133
Something about
doing it in the sky.
195
00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:22,967
Ilana, look!
196
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,433
Oh, my God, dude,
this is a free movie!
197
00:07:25,533 --> 00:07:26,633
Maybe you are a Jew.
198
00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:27,633
Look, look!
199
00:07:27,733 --> 00:07:28,700
His headphones!
200
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,633
You are dark, dude.
201
00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:33,233
I know.
202
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,300
(man in movie)
He didn't get it off, man!
203
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:35,300
(man in movie)
He got it off!
204
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,667
Hey, hey!
205
00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,533
(laughing)
206
00:07:41,667 --> 00:07:43,733
Shit, dude.
207
00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:45,067
I just got my period.
208
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:46,133
Ugh.
209
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,967
Okay, it's fine,
I packed tampons.
210
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,333
In my bag!
211
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:59,867
Dude, what if you use
my period pants?
212
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:00,933
For what?
213
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,367
I... I don't know.
214
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,733
It just figures because
I packed, like,
215
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,067
every type of tampon
I could find.
216
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,167
It's all in my bag,
under the plane.
217
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,633
All right, woman up.
218
00:08:12,733 --> 00:08:15,267
Wad up a bunch of toilet paper
and shove it up your pussy.
219
00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:16,300
Up?
220
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,733
Between the lips
and the undies.
221
00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,100
Dude,
it's the first day.
222
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,567
Oof, first day.
223
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,433
That's like putting your spoon
into a molten lava cake.
224
00:08:23,533 --> 00:08:24,800
It's like the first bite
of a jelly doughnut.
225
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:25,933
It's like a side
of chutney.
226
00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:26,933
It's like fruit
on the bottom.
227
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,100
That's you right now.
228
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,467
You ever seen that movie
"The Impossible"?
229
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:31,967
Where that wall of
tsunami water just, like,
230
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,400
gushes up onto
the beach?
231
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,500
Yikes.
232
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,133
I was just gonna say,
that movie is so sad.
233
00:08:36,233 --> 00:08:37,133
Oh, yeah.
234
00:08:37,233 --> 00:08:40,067
I really need
a (bleep) tampon.
235
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,067
Shit, the line for
the bathroom is so long,
236
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,433
even if I did want
to stick a wad up--
237
00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:46,733
This must be what
homeless women feel like.
238
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:49,800
Dude, we're just in coach,
it's not that bad.
239
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:50,800
No, no.
240
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,400
Like, how do they
get tampons?
241
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,567
If you get
a couple bucks,
242
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,400
do you buy food or do
you buy tampons?
243
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,433
Whoa.
244
00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:57,900
Tampons should be free.
245
00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:59,433
Every woman should have
access to tampons,
246
00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:00,667
all different sizes.
247
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:02,367
And the only reason
it's not that way
248
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:04,233
is because the government
hates women.
249
00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:05,333
This is true.
250
00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:06,467
Elbows in, sir.
251
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,067
Here's a reunion story.
252
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,700
Tell them your Beyoncé's
fourth-weekend nanny
253
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,733
and that she loves you.
254
00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:13,367
I don't speak French.
255
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,733
Can I get you
anything?
256
00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:15,900
Um...
257
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,367
Do you guys have
any tampons I could--
258
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,967
(whispering)
So sorry, no, we don't.
259
00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:22,533
But we have soft drinks and
food, for an additional charge.
260
00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,133
Okay.
You know what?
261
00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:26,167
Let's get something to
distract from all of this.
262
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:28,233
(Mona)
We got a-- a kosher
snack pack for two.
263
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:30,600
How much is that?
$38.
264
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,633
Oh, okay.
All right.
265
00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:33,667
(Winona)
There's a lot of
good stuff in there.
266
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,533
It's yummy,
you'll love it.
267
00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:39,133
All right,
elbows in now.
268
00:09:39,233 --> 00:09:40,433
(Abbi)
Let's get this out of the way.
269
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:43,200
I am loving your comfort
despite the circumstances.
270
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,533
Well, I'm currently
sitting
271
00:09:44,633 --> 00:09:47,633
in a pool of my own
uterine lining, so...
272
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:49,300
I'm feeling
pretty comfortable.
273
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,300
Hey, hey, hey.
274
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,467
You know what
you need to do?
275
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,500
You need to tell them
about all that money
276
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,967
that you gave
to charity.
277
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:57,067
Then I have to tell them that
I had to ask for it all back
278
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,467
'cause I'm addicted
to online poker.
279
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,633
Okay, tell them about
the bone marrow transplant
280
00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:03,033
that you gave me.
281
00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:05,167
You gave me a bone marrow
transplant.
282
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:07,833
Ooh, I forgot
about that.
283
00:10:07,933 --> 00:10:08,833
(Ilana)
What?
284
00:10:08,933 --> 00:10:10,633
This was $38?
285
00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:11,933
(Abbi)
Ugh, dude.
286
00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:14,367
Someone on this plane has
got to have a tampon.
287
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:15,700
Yeah, you're right.
288
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,800
Let's do this.
Okay.
289
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:20,967
Do you guys
have a tampon?
290
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,333
Absorbency...
291
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,000
Um, excuse me.
292
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:32,500
Do you by any chance
have a tampon?
293
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,833
Oh, my goodness, no.
294
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,133
I'm flattered
you asked,
295
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,867
even though many women my age
do experience spotting.
296
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:38,867
Oh!
297
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:41,200
I totally forgot
about menopause.
298
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,967
Menopause isn't represented
in mainstream media.
299
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,233
Like, no one wants
to talk about it.
300
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,900
(Ilana)
Hey! Hey, buddy.
301
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:50,900
Could I get
that pita?
302
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,000
This pita?
303
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:53,867
That's almost in my mouth?
Yeah.
304
00:10:53,967 --> 00:10:56,233
My friend just got her period
and she doesn't have any tampons
305
00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:58,700
and it's first-day flow.
306
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,300
Really heavy, and her
underpants are filling and--
307
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,200
Just take it.
Thank you.
308
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:03,200
I do have one.
309
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,800
Hold on, let me get my
Longchamp.
310
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,067
Oh, yes!
311
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,933
*
312
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,200
* Banging 'til
the bells stop ringing *
313
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,533
Can you please
return to your seat?
314
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:16,533
Again.
315
00:11:16,633 --> 00:11:17,633
Yes, sorry.
316
00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:19,367
I was just, um,
gathering materials.
317
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,333
Okay.
Thank you.
318
00:11:23,533 --> 00:11:25,300
(sighing)
319
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,267
(laughing)
320
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,600
You're kidding, right?
321
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:29,700
What do you mean?
322
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,567
Oh, you're serious?
323
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:32,633
I thought that
these, were, like,
324
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,467
a joke that
all women shared.
325
00:11:35,567 --> 00:11:36,867
I guess I'm just
the monster
326
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:40,067
with a humongous
vagina over here.
327
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,767
(bleep) you, Lindsay.
328
00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,833
Does yarmulke size have
anything to do with dick si--
329
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:46,700
Sorry, shlong size?
330
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,433
I think so.
Oh.
331
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:49,867
Then it is way too big.
332
00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:51,267
But can I borrow
this yarmulke?
333
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:53,367
You're probably not gonna
want it back afterwards.
334
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:54,767
It's just so thick.
335
00:11:54,867 --> 00:11:56,933
Oh!
336
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,300
I'm so glad you're finally
getting into it.
337
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,700
This is David 5,
338
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,333
he's in his third year of
orthopedic residency--
339
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:02,700
Wait, do you have
a tampon?
340
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,200
N-no, why--
341
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:05,433
Do you have any interest
342
00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:07,333
in meeting eligible
young Jews on this trip?
343
00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,067
Yeah, that was the first
thing I said,
344
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,100
that I wanted to join
the Moyel Chai Club.
345
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,500
And why don't you just
let it happen naturally?
346
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,767
Jews are so horny.
347
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,767
Horny.
348
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:18,767
Oh, my...
349
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:20,167
That's offensive.
Sorry.
350
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:22,600
Look, forgive me if I want to
perpetuate the glorious
351
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,133
bloodline of
the Jewish people.
352
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:25,167
It's a noble cause.
353
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,133
Really?
That's your thing?
354
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,500
All right, look, I probably
shouldn't tell you this,
355
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,933
but I get a commission
off of every match made.
356
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,500
I get double if it's made
before we touch the ground.
357
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,933
What?
Hey, don't judge.
358
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:40,267
Look, it's one thing
359
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,533
if you don't want to
take this trip seriously,
360
00:12:41,633 --> 00:12:43,133
besmirch your
Jewish heritage,
361
00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:45,267
that's between you
and HaShem.
362
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,067
But if you get between
me and my money...
363
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,333
(inhaling deeply)
364
00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:50,067
That I will not
stand for.
365
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,133
This is so
against the rules.
366
00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:01,500
Well, I won't Tel Aviv,
if you won't.
367
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,700
Wait a minute,
you know Aviv?
368
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,600
No, um...
369
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,900
No.
370
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,233
Oh.
371
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,700
(zipper unzips)
Oh.
372
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,400
Holy sweet mother
of Moses.
373
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,433
(knocking on door)
374
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,767
Uh...
375
00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:15,067
Coming!
376
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:18,267
I gotta go,
I gotta go!
377
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,767
Uh...
378
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,200
I-- I would, uh...
379
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,733
Just a minute,
wait a minute.
380
00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:25,533
There's somebody still
finishing in there.
381
00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:26,667
Excuse me.
382
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,500
Dude, I just joined
the Moyel Chai Club!
383
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,233
Dude, I've been waiting
for the bathroom forever.
384
00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:36,267
Did you get me
anything?
385
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,200
Remember,
the wad up the lips?
386
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,833
I got you
something better.
387
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,100
What is that?
388
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,667
It's a homemade tampon.
389
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:49,167
Because I am a woman who has
access to tampons normally,
390
00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:51,300
I'm not gonna stick
a pita up my pussy.
391
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,667
I get it.
392
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:54,833
Everyone is gonna be sorry
393
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:57,233
they turned their backs
on their sisters.
394
00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:58,567
Time is of the essence.
395
00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,467
Any second,
there's gonna be an explosion
396
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,567
and there's gonna be blood,
like, everywhere.
397
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,067
Holy...
398
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,367
My headline.
399
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,867
They said "explosion".
400
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,200
They're clearly plotting
something.
401
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,067
We need to
call dispatch.
402
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,300
No, we're gonna do it.
403
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,067
(gasps)
For my reunion.
404
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,067
Okay.
405
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,267
Let's do it.
406
00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:23,800
If we don't die,
it's perfect.
407
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,167
Okay.
408
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,767
Yes!
She said yes!
409
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,300
What?
410
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,200
I'm buying champagne!
411
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,833
I guess he brought
that ring.
412
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:37,833
Thank you.
Congratulations.
413
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:38,900
Cheers.
414
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:39,900
Thank you.
Thank you.
415
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,067
Ew.
416
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,333
(Abbi gasps)
Oh, my God, Ilana, look.
417
00:14:44,433 --> 00:14:45,633
Holy yas.
418
00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:48,200
So warm and moist.
419
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,067
Ew, what, dude?
420
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,500
That's not how to
describe a tampon.
421
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,933
Tampons, genius!
Ow.
422
00:14:58,067 --> 00:14:59,800
(Winona)
We're gonna take 'em down.
423
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,867
I can get the goods
424
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,733
if you create
a diversion.
425
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:04,967
I am great
at diversions.
426
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,533
Like, I'm really good
at spilling stuff,
427
00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,400
and then people stare.
428
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,633
Like, it's not usually
on purpose,
429
00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:11,667
but I think that
I can swing it.
430
00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:13,667
Shabbat Shalom,
mother (bleep).
431
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:14,700
Yeah!
Let's do this!
432
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,100
Yes!
(gasping)
433
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,600
Oh, man.
434
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:19,800
He's a heavy sleeper.
435
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,200
Yeah,
he's dead asleep.
436
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,200
Okay.
Okay.
437
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,367
(both)
Let's do this!
438
00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:26,267
We got this.
439
00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:27,600
I love you.
440
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,933
Okay.
441
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,267
I have to be honest
be-- before we do this.
442
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:34,967
I lost 200 pounds
in two years,
443
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,267
and you never
said anything.
444
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:37,867
I beat cancer,
and come on,
445
00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,700
I was on
"Extreme Couponing".
446
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,233
We never talk about me!
447
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,867
So, yes, I love you,
448
00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,233
but I don't
like you.
449
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,633
I'm okay with that.
450
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:53,967
Okay.
451
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:54,967
Let's do this.
452
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,133
Let's do it.
453
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:11,800
* Hark the herald
angels singing *
454
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:15,533
* Glory to the newborn
455
00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:18,333
(chorus)
* Glory to the newborn king
456
00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:22,800
* Peace on earth
and mercy mild *
457
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:27,500
* God and sinners
reconciled *
458
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:32,133
* Joyful
all ye nations rise *
459
00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:36,600
* Join the triumph
of the skies *
460
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:41,367
* With angelic
host proclaim *
461
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,067
* Christ is born
in Bethlehem *
462
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,067
(watch vibrating)
463
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,200
10,000 steps!
464
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:48,833
Yes!
465
00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:50,500
* ...herald angels sing
466
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:56,067
* Glory to
the newborn king *
467
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:02,333
* Hail the heaven born
prince of peace *
468
00:17:02,433 --> 00:17:03,667
(loud thud)
469
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,933
Class of '96!
470
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,600
Explain it again.
471
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,100
My friend was just
trying to get me a tampon.
472
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,067
Your stories are
inconsistent.
473
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:24,400
So we wake up in Wantagh,
New Jersey.
474
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,400
Abbi's puking on
the side of the road.
475
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,800
No cabs anywhere.
476
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,833
This is our second date,
mind you.
477
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:32,567
She wouldn't call it
a date, but, uh...
478
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:34,067
(laughing)
We scheme.
479
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:35,933
We do scheme.
480
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,233
Your partner hasn't
mentioned a tampon once.
481
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:39,633
Sir, your guess
is as good as mine.
482
00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:41,067
(Israeli soldier)
You're on Birthmarc,
483
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:45,667
yet your friend sang a Christian
song to create a diversion.
484
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,067
Is she even Jewish?
485
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,167
Honestly, your guess
is as good as mine.
486
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,867
Why did you move seats
to sit next to a dead man?
487
00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:52,900
That's suspicious.
488
00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:54,100
What?
No, no.
489
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,533
He-- He was sleeping.
490
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,633
You--
491
00:17:57,733 --> 00:17:58,700
Oh, my God.
492
00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,700
The dead guy?
493
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:00,800
Yeah, fully dead.
494
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,200
Nobody wanted the seats
495
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,933
and we had to sit next to each
other, obviously, so...
496
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,500
Yeah, it didn't
bother me at all.
497
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,400
You said your bag
was the bomb.
498
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,900
It is,
my bag is the bom--
499
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,067
Okay, Google "Refinery 29,"
500
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,367
in quotes, "Drew Barrymore,"
in quotes.
501
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:18,833
It's a life-changing bag,
502
00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:21,833
You were asking passengers
for very strange instruments.
503
00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:23,233
Twine,
someone's shoelaces,
504
00:18:23,333 --> 00:18:24,400
heavy duty scissors.
505
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,067
To make a tampon.
506
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,967
What, do you think I was
making a (bleep) bomb?
507
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,200
Yeah!
508
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,733
You're here for suspicion
of terrorist activity.
509
00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:32,933
Terrorism? I thought this was
about the weed in my pussy.
510
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:38,167
What?
511
00:18:40,367 --> 00:18:43,067
God, there's so much turbulence,
what is going on?
512
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,233
It's the pilots giving
each other head.
513
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,367
Air head.
514
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:47,400
That's a good one.
515
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,567
Seriously.
516
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:50,200
Why do you think they
call it the cockpit?
517
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,533
(moaning)
518
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,067
(bleep) yeah.
519
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,267
There is just something about
doing it in the sky.
520
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,300
So, listen, you know
how I wanted
521
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,533
to come on
this trip to, like,
522
00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:10,733
experience some sort of
spiritual epiphany?
523
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,100
Yeah?
524
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,467
So when the stewardess slammed
me down on the ground,
525
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,100
for a moment,
I swear I had this, like,
526
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:24,500
out-of-body experience where
I was in... heaven.
527
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,433
You know Jews
don't have heaven.
528
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,500
Well, I saw Jesus.
529
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,800
You saw Jesus?
530
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:31,600
I saw Jesus.
531
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:34,767
And he was hot and he had a man
bun and he was wearing sandals,
532
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:37,100
and I usually hate sandals
and I loved 'em.
533
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,367
Dude, he's like a Jew,
but he's not Jew-ish.
534
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,633
Really good for me.
535
00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:43,833
The more you talk
about it...
536
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,167
the more right it is.
537
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,467
You know, I really liked
your intro before.
538
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:50,967
I was thinking about it, like,
using this trip to find yourself
539
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,700
and find your purpose.
540
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,167
And then when
my face was pressed
541
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:58,967
into the plush carpet of first
class, I had this a-ha moment.
542
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:03,567
I, like, realized what
I wanna do with my life.
543
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:06,033
Ilana, this is huge.
544
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:09,433
I want to make enough money
to fly first class.
545
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,233
Yeah, dude, that's it.
546
00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:13,333
Right?
I'm in, yeah, I'm in.
547
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:15,500
No touching.
548
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,867
And my Birthmarc
wish came true.
549
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:17,933
Now we're
sitting together.
550
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,800
And I got to fly
with my bag.
551
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:21,900
And it really is
incredible.
552
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,567
It withstood
all those bullet holes.
553
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:26,467
Yeah, Israelis, like,
really love their guns.
554
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:28,100
Guns are so gross.
555
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,667
I'm really relieved
we're going back home.
556
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,400
Totally.
557
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,400
Hmm.
Hmm.
558
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,133
(plane rattling)
559
00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:38,633
(pilot moaning)
560
00:20:38,733 --> 00:20:40,633
Dassit.
561
00:20:40,733 --> 00:20:42,600
There's actually this
restaurant on Steinway
562
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,467
that makes falafel that
I heard is even better
563
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:47,833
than the real deal.
564
00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:49,000
Let's just
go there.
565
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,233
Yum.
566
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,467
That sounds perfect.
567
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:56,167
Ugh, I miss New York.
568
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,767
Wait, so Jesus
is a god, right?
569
00:20:58,867 --> 00:21:02,067
God is, like, Daddy God and
Jesus is like, the Son God.
570
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:04,667
So he's really just, like,
a hot rich kid.
571
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:06,267
Totally.
572
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,067
Obviously, I love Santa.
573
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,167
I think he's
a (bleep) creep.
574
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:17,867
You're sneaking
into my house?
575
00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:19,333
And, like, you're so
obsessed with children?
576
00:21:19,433 --> 00:21:20,633
Grow up.
577
00:21:20,733 --> 00:21:22,433
He is (bleep) sneaking,
he's like--
Grow up.
578
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,700
He's like a fat sneak.
I know.
579
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:25,767
You fat sneak.
580
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:27,167
Whoa.
Whoa!
39289
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