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1
00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,767
Dude, I really
need to Zen out.
2
00:00:10,867 --> 00:00:13,000
A bird flew into
my mouth this morning.
3
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,067
Eww, again?
I don't know
what's going on.
4
00:00:15,167 --> 00:00:18,067
Well, what could be
more Zen than yoga that's
5
00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:20,133
suggested donation--
free.
6
00:00:20,233 --> 00:00:22,000
You catch that,
suggested donation.
7
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:24,267
Free.
8
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:27,567
Ooh, so it really
smells in here.
9
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:30,233
Okay, this isn't
"Real Housewives" yoga, NeNe.
10
00:00:30,333 --> 00:00:33,833
Sure, it has a few flaws,
but that's the price you pay.
11
00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:35,467
You catch that,
that's the price you pay.
12
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:37,233
No, I-- I get it.
13
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,700
Ooh, I have
the perfect spot.
14
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,133
Hey, you guys,
do you mind if we scootch?
15
00:00:43,233 --> 00:00:45,033
Two of us
to get in here.
16
00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:46,900
Doesn't seem like
enough space for us--
17
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,500
It's plenty.
Is it?
18
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,900
Yep, now it is.
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,600
Just enough.
20
00:00:55,767 --> 00:01:00,067
** (uptempo Indian music)
21
00:01:03,867 --> 00:01:05,667
(sniffing)
22
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:09,200
(farting)
23
00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:16,267
(whispering instructions)
24
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,533
Oh, yeah,
you can go deeper.
Okay.
25
00:01:18,633 --> 00:01:20,733
On both shoulders.
Yeah, I can feel...
26
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:37,167
And breathe in,
two, three, four,
27
00:01:37,267 --> 00:01:40,667
and out, two,
three, four,
28
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,833
and release.
29
00:01:42,933 --> 00:01:47,367
(all farting)
30
00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:49,300
Yes, that's good.
31
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,600
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
32
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,200
**
33
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:06,200
(sighing)
Oh, God.
34
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:19,900
(phone chiming)
(sighing)
35
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,700
Hey, dude,
what's up?
36
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:24,833
Yeah, girl,
you ready to rumble?
37
00:02:24,933 --> 00:02:27,233
Hell yeah, dude,
I just got up a while ago.
38
00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:30,233
Made myself a smoothie,
been packin'...
39
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,567
yep, all morning.
40
00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:32,833
Did you pack
your anti-depressants?
41
00:02:32,933 --> 00:02:34,233
Yep.
Your anti-anxiety?
42
00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:36,133
Yep.
Please tell me anti-gas.
43
00:02:36,233 --> 00:02:37,600
Yep.
Your vibrator?
44
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,133
Yep, okay, do you have
your electric toothbrush?
45
00:02:40,233 --> 00:02:42,133
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Flat iron.
Headbands.
46
00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:44,967
Uh-huh.
85 SPF sunscreen for
your truly precious pores.
47
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,567
Uh-huh.
Great, we're both...
48
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,800
totally packed
responsibly.
49
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,733
All right, so we're gonna
be on the first subway car
50
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,500
at Jay Street, right?
2:45, yes.
51
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,067
Front car-- and hey,
wear something sexy.
52
00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:57,433
Pssht, always do.
53
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,667
Jaimé, help me pack!
54
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:04,833
(overlapping murmurs)
55
00:03:04,933 --> 00:03:06,967
I have no time,
(bleep), dude.
56
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:09,200
Um, okay,
my toothbrush,
my vibrator.
57
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,567
What'd she say,
my meds?
58
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:13,233
I got you, mi amore,
don't you worry about it.
59
00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:15,233
Oh, my goodness.
What?
60
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:17,300
This is
Lincoln's suitcase.
61
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,567
Yeah.
62
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,067
Oh, don't cry, oh.
63
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:23,700
I just have-- y'know,
sometimes I feel like
64
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,800
he broke up
with me too.
65
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,433
God, are you flexing?
66
00:03:29,533 --> 00:03:30,933
No.
Can you?
67
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,433
Okay.
Oh, God, yeah.
68
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,433
Ooh.
Okay.
69
00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,100
Uh, Abbi?
70
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,433
Do we live in a zoo?
Uh, what now?
71
00:03:44,533 --> 00:03:48,067
Because I'm pretty sure
there's an elephant in the room.
72
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,067
You're using
my suitcase.
73
00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:51,700
Uh, this is
not even close
74
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,433
to being your suitcase,
this is mine.
75
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,633
Drew Barrymore wrote an entire
article about this suitcase.
76
00:03:56,733 --> 00:03:58,633
I splurged on this.
77
00:03:58,733 --> 00:04:00,267
I thought Melodie
bought me that suitcase.
78
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,067
I use it so much.
You do?
79
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,667
Just once.
80
00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:05,367
Okay.
Anyhoos.
81
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,067
what's the hot goss
with you and Trey?
82
00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:10,200
You guys are so Vivian Leigh
and Laurence Olivier.
83
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,567
Okay,
there's no hot goss.
84
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,433
Like, it kind of
ended badly.
85
00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,267
He's actually been
switching his shifts
86
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:16,933
at the gym to avoid me.
87
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,867
You want me to try
to talk to him?
88
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,200
I have a way with words.
89
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,900
No, thank you, Bevers,
but I'm just gonna
90
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:23,867
keep packing, please.
91
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:28,533
Well, if you're not
gonna say it, I will.
92
00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:31,700
I'm gonna miss you too.
93
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,700
And please, please text me
as soon as you land.
94
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,233
Get out of here!
95
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:38,533
Fine, I'll text you.
96
00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:40,067
Thank you.
97
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:41,867
And you don't
need to bother
98
00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,367
cleaning up
too much in here,
99
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:45,100
I'm gonna be
in and out, okay?
100
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:47,867
Thank you so much
for everything.
Yeah.
101
00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:49,867
Have fun, and please
leave the radio on
102
00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:51,367
when you're gone for
Rat Bastard and her family.
103
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:52,867
We can afford it.
Yeah, of course.
104
00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:56,100
All right...
(Jaimé muttering)
105
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,433
Jaimé time.
106
00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:59,433
Yes.
107
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,667
Oh, hello.
108
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:03,333
I'm gonna call you Pablo.
109
00:05:04,333 --> 00:05:05,467
(groaning)
Hey, now.
110
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:06,500
Please don't stop.
111
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,267
I'm not even looking.
112
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:12,333
Just forgot
my highlighters.
113
00:05:12,433 --> 00:05:13,833
Nice wrist technique.
114
00:05:13,933 --> 00:05:15,233
Thank you.
Okay, bye.
115
00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:19,233
(bleep).
116
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:24,100
(beeping)
117
00:05:25,433 --> 00:05:27,500
(beeping)
118
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,333
Hey! I saw that!
119
00:05:31,433 --> 00:05:32,333
Get back here!
120
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,067
(beeping)
121
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,433
(beeping)
(bleep)!
122
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:46,867
(bell chiming)
123
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,533
(bleeps)
124
00:05:51,633 --> 00:05:52,567
God dammit!
125
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:53,700
(bleep)
126
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,667
Please stand clear
of the closing doors.
127
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,367
Stand clear of the doors!
128
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:11,833
Ass!
129
00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:13,200
Abbi!
130
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:15,700
Ilana!
Yes.
131
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,667
Dude, I can't believe
we're actually doing this.
132
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:19,233
Yes, we're going to--
133
00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:28,533
You know, sometimes the flight
is actually my favorite part.
134
00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:31,267
Hit up Hudson News,
get some adult magazines.
135
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,933
Looking at boobs is the best way
to relax during turbulence.
136
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:35,500
It's nature's Xanax.
137
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,133
You know, sometimes
if I forget the mags,
138
00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:40,267
I look down at my own.
What?
139
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,067
Isn't that the whole thing
with adult magazines?
140
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:43,533
Oh, I--
141
00:06:43,633 --> 00:06:45,133
okay, I was talking
about adult magazines
142
00:06:45,233 --> 00:06:48,467
like "Real Simple"
or "O" or "Dwell."
143
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:51,467
I was talking
about that, too.
(baby crying)
144
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:53,100
Watch this.
145
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,300
(mouthing baby's cries)
146
00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:00,233
(brakes screeching)
147
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,833
Attention, passengers,
we'll be stopped
148
00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:03,167
for an undetermined
amount of time.
149
00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:04,500
A passenger
at the next stop
150
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,667
threw herself on
the tracks.
151
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:06,900
Thank you for your patience.
152
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,400
Jesus,
use a bridge.
153
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:10,300
Selfish.
154
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,633
It's okay.
You know what?
155
00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:13,067
I padded the travel time.
156
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,967
We are all good,
we're all good.
157
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,800
It's not like we left
our passports or anything.
158
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:23,600
Oh, my God...
oh, my God!
159
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,933
I left my passport.
160
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:32,367
(baby crying)
161
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:34,200
Okay, it's been
20 minutes.
162
00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:36,933
How long does it take to move
a (bleep) body off the tracks?
163
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,067
I'm sorry.
164
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,433
Dude, I (bleep)
hate myself.
165
00:07:40,533 --> 00:07:42,300
I am so sorry
I left my passport.
166
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,333
I'm a (bleep)
baby grown-up.
167
00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:46,333
Do you have any tape?
168
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,067
Do I have any tape?
169
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,533
Yeah, I have tape.
170
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:55,333
A bunch of
different kinds.
171
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,800
Really cute.
172
00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,300
Jesus, it stinks.
173
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,633
Bologna?
174
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:02,400
Ugh, it's unbelievable, right?
175
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:04,467
It is unbelievable.
176
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,833
So salty.
177
00:08:07,733 --> 00:08:10,067
Okay, so we're gonna
get off at the next stop,
178
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,467
Uber to your apartment,
and then book it to the airport.
179
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:13,967
Great, yes,
all is good.
180
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:15,233
All is not good!
181
00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:16,900
It's like 9/11
all over again.
182
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,967
It's 9/11 2!
183
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,833
Return of the 9/11s!
184
00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:22,900
Oh! Oh, my God!
185
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,167
Okay, so if we don't move
in the next 30 minutes,
186
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:27,067
we have to have
some sort of escape plan.
187
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,867
You know, I once saw
this documentary on Vimeo
188
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,567
about these mole people
who live down in the subway.
189
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,067
I bet that
they would help us.
190
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:35,233
We would probably just
have to give them our shoes
191
00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,067
and cut off a little bit
of our hair, but...
192
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:38,667
we'll get new shoes.
193
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:41,733
Truly impressed with you
at every turn.
194
00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:43,133
It's been 25 minutes!
195
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,300
And counting.
196
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,433
(shrieking)
197
00:08:45,533 --> 00:08:47,700
Okay, I have a fun game.
Okay.
198
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,767
Let's say we were stuck
in a subway forever,
199
00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:52,767
which is obviously
not gonna happen.
200
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,200
Okay.
Who would we (bleep)?
201
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:57,067
Who would we marry?
Who would we eat?
202
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:58,767
All right,
I can do that,
203
00:08:58,867 --> 00:09:00,933
'cause I feel like I know
a bunch of the answers.
204
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:04,333
Dude. Def (bleep) him,
"Mad Men" style.
205
00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:07,200
Some real standard
narrative bull (bleep).
206
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:10,667
Crusty old dude,
hot young girl,
207
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:14,200
and then I'd Abbi-Jeremy him
to even it out.
208
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,167
Peg.
209
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:17,433
Okay.
210
00:09:17,533 --> 00:09:19,267
Marriage material
right there, you know?
211
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,833
Yeah.
New Yorker.
212
00:09:20,933 --> 00:09:23,067
Bet she could teach me
a thing or two, like,
213
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,133
how to finish an article
in the New Yorker.
214
00:09:25,233 --> 00:09:27,067
I think
I would marry her.
215
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,367
Wiccan wedding.
216
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,067
First dance
to Wicked Wisdom.
217
00:09:30,133 --> 00:09:32,200
Fist!
(chuckling)
218
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:35,267
Uhh, you know...
219
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,133
Okay, I would eat
that baby.
220
00:09:37,233 --> 00:09:38,800
Is that terrible of me?
No.
221
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:40,433
I just would.
No, it makes
perfect sense.
222
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:41,967
She looks delicious.
223
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:43,633
You would probably be
sparing her a life
224
00:09:43,733 --> 00:09:46,100
of tragedy and terror,
living down in the subway.
225
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,467
Plus, I feel like
babies are, like,
226
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,133
the most delicious
in terms of actual meat.
227
00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:52,833
Desperate times.
Calling for
desperate measures.
228
00:09:52,933 --> 00:09:56,133
And who are we to judge
our post-apocalyptic selves?
229
00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:57,433
What part would
you eat first?
230
00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,800
Which part is
the most tender?
231
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,700
Probably like,
the side or the butt.
232
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,367
Dude,
let me try something.
233
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:04,800
Stand up.
234
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:06,367
Okay.
235
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,933
Dear God.
236
00:10:13,033 --> 00:10:14,267
Please make
this subway move.
237
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:15,833
Ilana, that's not
how it works.
238
00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:17,933
You can't just rub my butt,
and the train--
239
00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:20,600
(rumbling)
240
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,867
Ow!
241
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:27,267
Did it again,
the power of the butt, bitch.
242
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:30,200
I'm really happy we didn't
have to eat the baby.
243
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,700
Yeah.
Happy.
244
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:43,167
Where are we, dude?
It says we're on
Sutphin Boulevard
245
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,233
in Queens.
Jesus Christ!
246
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,233
Uber surge fare is 12.5.
247
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:49,167
They really reel you in,
248
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:51,167
and then they wring
you (bleep) dry
249
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,333
with their grubby little paws
right around your neck.
250
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:55,267
Then they make you type
in the surge fare again,
251
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:57,400
it's like, I know...
I know what it is.
252
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,767
It is so rude.
God.
253
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:02,633
The ride estimator says
it would be approximately...
254
00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:04,300
(chuckling)
255
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,067
$1,200 from here
to Gowanus back to JFK.
256
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,967
I hate them.
I love them,
but I hate them.
257
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:12,500
Oh, my God.
This is a sign.
258
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,300
Yes.
Okay,
we hotwire that cab,
259
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,733
drive ourselves within
walking distance to JFK,
260
00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:18,400
soak it in gasoline,
and torch it
261
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:19,933
so they can't trace it--
let's go.
262
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,733
I was gonna say
maybe we could just
263
00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:23,400
knock on the door and see
if they could drive us.
264
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:24,633
Oh, let's try that first.
265
00:11:24,733 --> 00:11:26,067
Okay.
266
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:33,867
Okay.
267
00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:38,900
Hello.
Hello, sir.
268
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:41,567
I know that
this is ridiculous,
269
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:45,700
but we would like to hire you
to drive us in your taxi.
270
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,667
To a few destinations.
271
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:50,733
I couldn't be more off-duty.
272
00:11:50,833 --> 00:11:53,067
Work is the worst, right?
I get that, but listen,
273
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:55,333
we would not be asking
if it was not an emergency.
274
00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,833
Please, we're over on our way
to a really important trip,
275
00:11:57,933 --> 00:11:59,833
and I'm such a moron,
276
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,067
I forgot my passport,
so, I'm in trouble
277
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,200
with the wife,
you can understand.
278
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,533
And we can't find any cabs out
here in the middle of nowhere.
279
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:08,100
This beautiful neighborhood,
it's gorgeous out here.
280
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,933
Quaint.
Lovely,
I might look at some--
281
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,100
So sweet.
To buy or some--
I don't know, rent, whatever.
282
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,633
Plus, there are
good schools around here.
283
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,133
We are begging you.
284
00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:17,767
We just need
to get her passport
285
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,100
and then get to JFK,
or we're gonna miss our flight
286
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,067
and the trip of a lifetime.
Please.
287
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:23,300
How about...
288
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,300
A crisp $100 bill
from my bra?
289
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,467
Okay.
290
00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:34,767
All right,
I guess we'll just--
291
00:12:36,967 --> 00:12:38,567
Let's roll.
292
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,433
(tires screeching)
293
00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:46,100
"Fast and Furious"
over here.
294
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,333
How old are you?
295
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,200
15.
296
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:04,067
Okay, we're coming
around the corner in five,
297
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,833
four, three...
298
00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:08,067
(honking)
Hold on.
An old lady is pushing
299
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:10,167
a baby stroller full of
empty cans across the street.
300
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,567
Waiting.
301
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,933
She's almost across.
302
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,833
Okay, now we're coming
around the corner.
303
00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:17,833
Can you see my arm?
I'm in the cab.
304
00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:19,067
Do you see me?
I see you.
305
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,433
Okay, Anhur, slow down,
306
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,267
but don't stop.
I gotcha, girl.
307
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:24,200
Hey!
Hi, honey.
308
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:25,667
Here's your
passport-- bye!
Thank you.
309
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:27,333
Yes! To the airport!
Love you, Himmelz!
310
00:13:27,433 --> 00:13:29,267
Bye-bye, baby!
311
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:30,533
Ooh, whoops!
312
00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:32,333
Oh, my brakes!
Ay, my brakes!
313
00:13:32,433 --> 00:13:34,233
Ay! Hold me closer,
closer, closer.
314
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:35,933
Yes, ay!
315
00:13:38,867 --> 00:13:40,400
(brakes screeching)
316
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,367
Thank you.
Wait, wait, so--
317
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:46,900
you only get so many
important moments in your life,
318
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,600
and you have
to grasp them.
319
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:49,667
Will you go
to prom with me?
320
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,067
Both of you?
Or one of you?
321
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,500
I don't care--
I think I love you both.
322
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,067
Can you be in love
with two people?
323
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,667
Yes, you definitely can.
324
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:57,233
That is one of the most
dangerous misconceptions
325
00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:59,167
about monogamy,
but we can't go with you
326
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:00,733
because you're
a literal child.
327
00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:02,433
We're extremely
flattered, though.
328
00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:03,667
You clearly have
amazing taste.
329
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:04,833
Yeah, and don't worry,
330
00:14:04,933 --> 00:14:05,967
you're gonna
have sex one day.
331
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:08,067
I've had sex.
332
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,133
Look at all my
(bleep) bracelets.
333
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,200
What the (bleep) are
(bleep) bracelets?
334
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:13,833
Kids are terrifying.
335
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,333
Sorry.
So sorry.
336
00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:17,967
This is ridiculous.
I'm so sorry.
337
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:20,500
We just have to cut 'cause
we forgot our passport!
338
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,367
You know,
you can understand.
339
00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:25,133
I'm so sorry,
we just gotta slip right past.
340
00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:26,400
Right, right past.
341
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:27,533
I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean that.
342
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:28,733
Sorry,
thank you so much.
343
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:30,867
Hey.
So sorry.
344
00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:32,867
Hey, do you mind if we cut?
We're late for a flight.
345
00:14:32,967 --> 00:14:34,233
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Thank you so much.
346
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:40,867
Okay.
347
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,067
Oh, dude, Ilana,
(bleep), dude.
348
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,133
Your period stain.
349
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:46,900
No, dude,
it's an old stain.
350
00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,467
It's a red herring,
'cause it's red
351
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:49,567
and looks like
a fish, kinda.
352
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:51,700
I'm packing.
I'm packing heat.
353
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,667
I have weed
in my vaginé.
354
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,233
Period pants are
the ultimate decoy!
355
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:56,767
If we get caught
at the airport,
we're gonna--
356
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,067
Whoa!
357
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:04,367
This dog is
sexually harassing me!
358
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:05,433
I am so sorry.
359
00:15:05,533 --> 00:15:06,467
Popcorn,
get away from her!
360
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:08,433
Oh!
361
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,567
Oh, my God.
362
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:11,833
(beep)
363
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:14,767
(beep)
364
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:16,633
God!
My period pants worked!
365
00:15:16,733 --> 00:15:20,800
Dude, we should Shark Tank
period pants, for real!
366
00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,700
Okay.
Let's roll.
367
00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:27,200
What the (bleep)!
368
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:28,433
Leave it!
I'll leave mine!
369
00:15:28,533 --> 00:15:30,067
No, dude,
it's our whole luggage!
370
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:31,667
There, look!
Hey!
371
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,100
Not today,
put it down!
372
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,133
Oh, I was just trying
to take it to the lost and--
373
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,200
Yeah, sure you were!
374
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,500
Sure!
(bleep)!
375
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,400
Sorry!
376
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:51,200
I'm gonna throw up.
Coming through!
Coming through!
377
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,667
What a sexy stare you have.
378
00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:59,233
It's scary, too.
379
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,567
Yes!
380
00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,167
Wait! We're--
We're going to--
381
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,333
Gate's changed.
That flight's back in B-12 now.
382
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:09,467
Come (bleep) (bleep) on!
383
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:14,333
Hey, how's it going.
Nice shirt.
384
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:15,900
Come on,
come on!
385
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,767
(hissing)
386
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:23,667
You should have
taken the walkway.
387
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,633
So stubborn.
388
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,867
Hey, you grabbed
our boards, bro!
389
00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:39,633
Ilana!
390
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:41,233
I got an extra ticket,
let's do this!
391
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,400
Do what, Dale?
392
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:43,967
What the (bleep) is
wrong with you?
393
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:54,800
Oh! Sorry!
394
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,800
You (bleep) bitch!
I didn't mean to hit you.
395
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,100
We are--
we're on this flight.
396
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,633
It hasn't left yet.
Please.
397
00:17:00,733 --> 00:17:02,167
I was just trying to get
one foot in the door.
398
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:03,533
It's a shoe,
not a foot,
399
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:05,300
and it hit me,
not a door.
400
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,067
The plane is still there,
we can still make it,
401
00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:08,400
please, please,
just let us on.
We're so close.
402
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,067
You know what?
Just, just go ahead, yeah.
403
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:12,200
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
404
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:13,800
Thank you
so, so much.
405
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,067
We really
appreciate it.
406
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,700
We all hate her.
407
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,800
Thank you.
408
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:20,600
You are two lucky Jews.
409
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:22,733
We think so, too.
410
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,867
Yes, we did it!
Yes, we did it!
411
00:17:24,967 --> 00:17:26,733
Get on the (bleep) plane!
412
00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,067
Go!
413
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:32,433
Oh, my God,
we (bleep) made it!
414
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,367
Oh, God, I cannot
believe we made it.
415
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:39,300
This is the longest ramp
I've ever been on.
416
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,867
I am so sorry,
ladies.
417
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:44,167
There is no more space
in the overhead compartments,
418
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:45,600
we'll have to check
your luggage.
419
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,867
Actually, yours will
probably be okay.
420
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,900
So sleek
and streamlined.
421
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:52,433
Lincoln... had really
adult taste in luggage.
422
00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:54,267
This is actually
a really special bag, too.
423
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,267
It's Drew's.
Sorry,
this is not your bag?
424
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:57,933
No, no, no, it's mine--
I packed it.
425
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,467
It's just that
Ms. Drew Barrymore
426
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,767
highly recommends
this bag.
427
00:18:02,867 --> 00:18:04,967
If you google, in quotes,
"Refinery 29,"
428
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,733
in quotes,
"Drew Barrymore."
429
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:07,900
That's amazing.
430
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,633
Unfortunately,
Drew Barrymore is
431
00:18:09,733 --> 00:18:11,633
the only person who could
carry on something that bulky.
432
00:18:11,733 --> 00:18:13,733
This is gonna have
to go under the plane.
433
00:18:13,833 --> 00:18:15,567
Okay, hold on.
This bag is the bomb.
434
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,433
Please just let me--
I'm sure there's a spot.
435
00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:19,833
Okay, I'm gonna
shut these doors
436
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,300
and take off.
437
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,167
Would you like
to come with us?
438
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:25,733
Mark, can you come
get this bag, please?
439
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:28,267
I'll take your ticket.
Thanks.
440
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:29,767
Do you think
it's gonna be okay?
441
00:18:29,867 --> 00:18:31,633
I'm sure your bag
is in really...
442
00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:35,933
good hands.
443
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,833
Thanks so much.
444
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:41,133
Whoa! Nice!
445
00:18:41,233 --> 00:18:43,500
International travel
is amazing.
446
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,767
No, this is first class.
447
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:46,067
We gotta keep going.
Oh.
448
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:48,933
Ms. Fessiwig,
champagne or orange juice?
449
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:50,267
Orange juice it is.
450
00:18:50,367 --> 00:18:51,633
Oh, my God.
451
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:54,433
I know, who chooses
juice over champagne?
452
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:56,067
Ew, coach.
453
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:57,400
Hello. Um...
454
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:58,633
Ilana.
455
00:18:58,733 --> 00:18:59,900
Hi.
And...
456
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:01,567
Abbi.
Yes.
457
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:04,067
I'm Jared.
Welcome to Birthmarc.
458
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,533
Surf's up.
459
00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,200
Oh, cool.
460
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,300
For the next ten days,
we will be traveling
461
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,300
around the holiest place
in the world, Israel.
462
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,467
For free!
463
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:17,233
Gotcha, Jews.
Makes no sense.
464
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:19,533
Well, our beautiful country
will teach you all about
465
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:21,367
Judaism,
its rich history,
466
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:23,133
and I'm looking
at the two of you,
467
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:24,900
its reproductive future.
468
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:27,633
We're almost home.
469
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:30,300
I see.
Cool.
470
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,300
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
471
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,800
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
472
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:38,567
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
473
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:40,833
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
474
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:42,567
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
475
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:45,233
Dude, we better not make
any new friends on this trip.
476
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:46,933
It's not about friends.
Right.
477
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:49,567
It's that it's free.
It's about Israel.
478
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,467
It's like Africa for Jews.
479
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,367
It's about our souls.
480
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:55,467
People find their selves
in the motherland.
481
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:57,900
Jews! Jews!
All right, ladies.
482
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,400
Where are you seated?
483
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,133
Uh... 5-B.
I'm 18-D.
484
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:02,900
(gasping)
No!
485
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,300
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God!
486
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,733
No, no, no, no, no...
Wait, hold on.
487
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:07,700
Okay.
Uh, ladies, is there
something wrong?
488
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,100
Yes. Jared. What's up?
489
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,267
We love the trip so far.
490
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:12,400
We would love it
even more
491
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,067
if we could sit
next to each other.
492
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:16,267
This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,
493
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:18,467
provided by your
living ancestors,
494
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,733
so we're seated according
to match potential.
495
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:22,233
Okay.
All right.
496
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,000
Okay.
497
00:20:26,833 --> 00:20:28,833
You'll meet somebody
very nice, I'm sure.
498
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:34,033
Hey. I'm Josh.
499
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,267
I'm a junior accountant,
500
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:36,733
I write short stories
in my spare time,
501
00:20:36,833 --> 00:20:39,433
and I'm a tough mudder
champion.
502
00:20:39,533 --> 00:20:41,867
What?
I'm grieving.
503
00:20:41,967 --> 00:20:44,067
I've just
experienced a loss.
504
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,567
Would it kill you
to try?
505
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,133
Ugh.
506
00:20:54,233 --> 00:20:55,833
Enchanté.
507
00:21:02,833 --> 00:21:04,367
I miss you.
508
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,067
I miss you!
509
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,567
(both)
To be continued.
510
00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:15,967
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
511
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,100
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
512
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,267
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews!
513
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:22,300
Jews!
Jews!
514
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,300
Jews! Jews!
515
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,933
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
516
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:26,700
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
35328
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