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1
00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:09,000
So Jaime's visiting
his daddy this weekend.
2
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:10,133
In Guatemala?
3
00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:11,767
Not his bio father,
his daddi with an "i".
4
00:00:11,867 --> 00:00:13,000
Oh, cool.
5
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,000
Which means, I have
the place to myself.
6
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:17,233
Ilana, I'm not
doing another séance.
7
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:19,433
It's like, weird
and kinda Christian.
8
00:00:19,533 --> 00:00:21,800
No, I'm gonna sublet
my apartment on BnBNYC,
9
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,900
so I can make some money 'cause
I don't have a jerb right now.
10
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,767
Is it cool if I crash
with you?
11
00:00:26,867 --> 00:00:28,533
(plop, splash)
Yeah, it's fine.
12
00:00:28,633 --> 00:00:29,133
Plus, Bevers is
in Atlantic City.
13
00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:29,933
Where's Melody?
14
00:00:30,033 --> 00:00:32,333
Oh, my God!
15
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,933
I forgot that Melody
was my actual roommate.
16
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:36,867
What the (bleep)
is wrong with me?
17
00:00:36,967 --> 00:00:39,333
Ooh...
18
00:00:39,433 --> 00:00:41,300
You could probably make
more money than me.
19
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,133
What if we both list
our apartments?
20
00:00:43,233 --> 00:00:44,767
If you get a renter,
you stay with me.
21
00:00:44,867 --> 00:00:46,400
If I get a renter,
I stay with you.
22
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:48,733
Either way, we both
split the profits,
23
00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:50,367
Thelma and Louise
style.
24
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:53,100
Yes, dude, I really could use
the extra cash right now.
25
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,933
I need to re-sole
my loafers.
26
00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:56,233
Ooh, cute.
27
00:00:56,333 --> 00:00:57,733
I have
a cavus foot.
28
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:58,900
High arches.
I know.
29
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,067
Ballerinas have it.
Ballerinas have it.
30
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:01,467
All right, I'm in.
31
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:02,467
Kyeah!
32
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:03,333
Hold on.
33
00:01:03,433 --> 00:01:05,500
(farting)
(splashing)
34
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,567
I'm still in.
35
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,833
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
36
00:01:08,933 --> 00:01:11,800
**
37
00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:14,067
Here's what I'm saying.
38
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:16,933
"Queen artisan's nook
in tolerable Gowanus.
39
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:21,500
"Cockroach-free, except for in
the bathroom and the kitchen,"
40
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,567
in smaller font.
41
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:25,633
"Shabby chic meets
Brooklyn funk."
42
00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:26,867
Um, I have to say that
'cause of the smell.
43
00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:29,133
Here's mine.
44
00:01:29,233 --> 00:01:31,433
"Treat yourself to a night
in picturesque Astoria.
45
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:32,600
"Stop by
the beer garden,
46
00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,233
"or stay in and enjoy
tasteful interiors
47
00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:38,967
and a stunning view
of a white... castle."
48
00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,067
I'm gonna post this
for $700 a night.
49
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,667
Dude, that is almost
a month's rent.
50
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:43,733
No one's
gonna do that.
51
00:01:43,833 --> 00:01:44,500
It's New York,
babe.
52
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,167
Get used to it, babe.
53
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:46,833
Hashtag,
tenement life!
54
00:01:46,933 --> 00:01:50,200
Okay,
$700.
55
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,333
But I doubt that
anyone will--
56
00:01:52,433 --> 00:01:53,933
(computer alerts beeping)
57
00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:56,333
Oh, my gosh, what is
happening right now?
58
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,900
Oh, my lady God,
thank you.
59
00:01:59,067 --> 00:01:59,900
I am getting
so many requests.
60
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:02,800
Me too, dude,
this is crazy.
61
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:03,467
I say we both do it.
62
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,067
We'll make bank!
63
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,100
Okay, but where
would we stay?
64
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,500
What if we stay
on my roof?
65
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:09,900
Oh, my gosh.
66
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,100
I love
camping.
67
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,067
Oh, of course
you love camping,
68
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,800
(posh accent)
'cause you probably went
camping with your father
69
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,333
down the Main Line River
70
00:02:18,433 --> 00:02:21,733
and roasted crackers
over a fire you built.
71
00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:23,067
No, I camped at, like,
Bonnaroo and Phish festivals.
72
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:26,500
Oh, can I bum
some gas money, man?
73
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,100
I'm just getting right up
at hacky sack, man,
74
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,167
I'm good, man.
75
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:32,133
Jeepers creepers,
man.
76
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:36,767
I need that gas money, m--
(laughing)
77
00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:41,067
**
78
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:44,567
So the WiFi network is free,
it's Halal House,
79
00:02:44,667 --> 00:02:47,267
and the password is
"PitaGuest," one word.
80
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,600
But the signal
is barely there,
81
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,333
so you gotta get right up
on the window, um, to get it.
82
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,233
(phone app translating
into Japanese)
83
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,900
And as my ad stated, this
rental is all-inclusive,
84
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:59,800
so please enjoy
some dank ganj.
85
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:00,133
My treat.
86
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,933
Mmm...
Colorado.
87
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,100
I really hope you enjoy.
88
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,233
(phone app translating
into Japanese)
89
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,067
I'm really sorry.
90
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:16,500
(Abbi)
This is the bedroom.
91
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,833
You probably would call it
a boudoir.
92
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,333
(chuckling) Très sympa,
très trs très chouette.
93
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:28,967
This is a map I drew
of Astoria, the 'hood.
94
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:31,400
Okay.
95
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,767
The knife and fork mean
it's an affordable restaurant,
96
00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:35,567
and this is a machete.
97
00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:38,500
This is where someone machete'd
another person in half,
98
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,867
so I would just
avoid that spot.
99
00:03:40,967 --> 00:03:42,100
Okay.
100
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,233
Oh, okay, so this is a
disposable camera.
101
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,433
I took half
the photos already
102
00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:49,200
and I was thinking maybe you
could take the other half,
103
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,533
and then I would
get them developed
104
00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:52,967
and then, I could
send them to you.
105
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:53,900
(heavy French accent)
I love this.
106
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,433
I see
you are, um...
107
00:03:55,533 --> 00:03:57,500
you are romantique,
like me.
108
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,600
I am really--
I totally am.
109
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,100
Perhaps you will come
in Paris one day
110
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,267
and we'll do it
both ways.
111
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,967
I love both ways.
112
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,967
Like, any way,
I would do it,
113
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,133
whatever way.
114
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:09,167
I mean, with the camera.
With the camera.
115
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:11,833
A thing that
I established.
116
00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:13,067
It could be the beginning
of a special relationship.
117
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:14,100
Oh, totally.
118
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,633
Ah. Yeah.
Attends.
119
00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:18,733
Attends,
ne bouge pas.
120
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,367
Oh, voilà.
121
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:25,800
How you say?
122
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,067
Do you say
"leent"?
123
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,967
Leent?
Leent.
124
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,067
It's--
Um, it's "lint."
125
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:33,767
(blowing,
chuckling)
126
00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:36,500
**
127
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:40,567
It's like we're
really camping.
128
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:43,100
Even the wind feels
real, right?
129
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,333
The wind's real.
130
00:04:44,433 --> 00:04:46,367
It just feels like we're not
in "the shitty."
131
00:04:46,467 --> 00:04:48,100
If we could see the stars,
this would be so...
132
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:54,900
(car horn honking...)
133
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,500
romantic.
134
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,433
Yeah.
135
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,200
I used to love sleepovers
when I was a kid.
136
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,900
The first time I ever saw
any sex stuff
137
00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:05,367
was at my friend Amina
Eltreebee's birthday party.
138
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:07,100
Did she... do it
right in front of you?
139
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,167
No.
140
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,733
We watched "Fear."
141
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:13,333
Mark Wahlberg, Reese Witherspoon
on a roller coaster, he's like--
142
00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:15,333
He's fingering her.
What?
143
00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:16,700
He's fingering her.
144
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:17,700
Fingering.
145
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:18,767
And then we all
thought we had to pee,
146
00:05:18,867 --> 00:05:22,167
but I think everyone was
just really horny.
147
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:23,567
I guess I...
148
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:26,467
Still confuse
that now?
Yeah!
149
00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:28,600
I was sleeping over at
Gina Pizzollini's house.
150
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:29,633
Right.
151
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:30,900
Wake up in the middle
of the night,
152
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:34,667
her stepdad is watching
us sleep in his undies.
153
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:35,500
Stop it.
154
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,967
Eating lasagna.
155
00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,233
I just pretended to be asleep
until he was finished.
156
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,233
It was so violating.
157
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:41,267
What do you mean,
"until he was finished"?
158
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,600
Oh, finished
the lasagna.
159
00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:45,467
But still, it was
creepy, you know?
160
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,200
The suburbs, there's like
some "American Beauty" shit
161
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,333
going on
every corner.
162
00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:52,233
(tent flapping loudly)
Whoa.
163
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,333
Oh, my God.
164
00:05:53,433 --> 00:05:54,567
Oh, my God.
Holy shit!
165
00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:55,767
Hold down the base!
166
00:05:55,867 --> 00:05:57,567
(tent ripping)
167
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,300
(car horns honking,
tires screeching)
168
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,367
(glass breaking)
169
00:06:01,467 --> 00:06:03,833
(tires screeching,
loud crash)
170
00:06:03,933 --> 00:06:04,900
Oh, shit!
171
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,333
(car horns honking)
(woman screaming)
172
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,967
Oh... shit.
173
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:11,867
(many car horns honking)
174
00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:18,700
Dude, that guy on the gurney
is shaking.
175
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,233
On the flipside, he's--
176
00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:21,567
He's on a gurney.
177
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:23,100
He's not
in a body bag.
178
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,067
That's so true.
179
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:25,267
Okay.
180
00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:26,567
Let's call Lincoln,
we'll crash at his place.
181
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:27,400
(cell phone vibrating)
182
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,667
Hey, Ilana,
everything okay?
183
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:32,167
Yeah, Abbi and I have to crash
with you tonight, though.
184
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:32,833
I can't tonight.
185
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,733
I have someone over.
186
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,233
A...
187
00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:37,633
A girl.
188
00:06:37,733 --> 00:06:39,367
In that case, I should
definitely come over
189
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,167
'cause I am
a greasy third wheel.
190
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,233
Pop a finger
in there.
191
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,867
I'm sorry, Ilana.
192
00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:46,433
No, don't--
Don't be sorry.
193
00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:47,500
This is healthy.
194
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,167
All right.
I gotta go.
195
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,600
Later.
196
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,067
I'll be right out.
197
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:53,400
From slowly
peeing.
198
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,933
Definitely
not pooping.
199
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,567
(toilet flushing)
200
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,267
Eliot is
in Jersey,
201
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,067
'cause Attica's actually got
a huge Purina audition.
202
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,067
Wow.
203
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:05,300
Um, who else?
204
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,633
We need more friends,
obviously.
205
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:10,067
No, we don't.
206
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,067
We don't?
207
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,067
Yeah.
208
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:14,233
Okay.
209
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,433
Turn on
the old noggin.
210
00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:17,600
Come on, give me
something good, girl.
211
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,167
Here we go!
212
00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:20,733
Here we go, think, think, think,
think, think, think, think...
213
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,967
Our guests are staying
until 11:00 AM tomorrow.
214
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:30,633
All we have to do is
stay out until 11:00!
215
00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:31,367
Okay, yes, we live in
the city that never sleeps.
216
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:33,600
Yes.
Exactly.
217
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,167
What if we go to that bar
where we got mono?
218
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:36,733
I love
that place!
219
00:07:36,833 --> 00:07:39,833
Watch the sunrise and get a
romantic breakfast at the diner.
220
00:07:39,933 --> 00:07:41,100
Not the bad diner,
though.
221
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,067
Hate the bad diner.
222
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:43,500
It is close
to everything, though.
223
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,333
Should we just go
to that one?
224
00:07:45,433 --> 00:07:46,500
Yeah.
Okay.
225
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,967
**
226
00:07:52,433 --> 00:07:55,567
* I'm nuts
for nuts! *
227
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,367
These taste pretty good,
but they smell amazing.
228
00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:00,300
Like, I would wear it
as a scent.
229
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,367
(phone alert)
Oh.
230
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,633
Dude, my hot French subletter is
texting me asking my birthday.
231
00:08:04,733 --> 00:08:07,233
Maybe he wants to send me
flowers, or, like,
232
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:09,233
find out my zodiac sign
to see if we're compatible.
233
00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:11,767
Euros are so
into numerology.
234
00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:14,400
Madonna got really into it
when she moved to London.
235
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:15,433
Christina!
236
00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:16,800
Yes,
you picked up!
237
00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,433
Uh, yeah, it's at
the 40/40 Club, all right?
238
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,633
Yeah, go up
to the bouncer,
239
00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:23,133
say you're there for the
Hernandez party, okay?
240
00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:24,500
Free bottles.
241
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,567
Hernandez!
242
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,367
I'm gonna
get you back, girl!
243
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,500
Opportunity,
batch!
244
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,567
Free bottles?
245
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,067
We gotta take
advantage of this.
246
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:33,467
Let's do it.
247
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,933
Yes!
248
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:40,333
Get lost.
249
00:08:43,633 --> 00:08:45,433
Good evening,
good sir.
250
00:08:45,533 --> 00:08:49,600
We are with
the Hernandez party.
251
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,367
**
252
00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:53,667
* 'K friends
253
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,967
* I'm out here
getting this money *
254
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:58,500
* You a lame with no money
chasing all these honeys *
255
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,900
* I'm a CEO baby
I'm so hood rich *
256
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:04,133
* Hair done nails did
got 'em saying yes bitch *
257
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:05,367
* Yes bitch
258
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:06,533
* Yes bitch
259
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,067
* Every time I go off
they like they like *
260
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,133
* Hold up when I walk up
to the function *
261
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,567
* Looking real sexy because
I'm just trying to bump shit *
262
00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:15,333
* I got all the dudes
questionin' me *
263
00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:16,800
* Where I come from
264
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,500
* I think that it's obvious that
all these bitches want some *
265
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,467
* Yes bitch
266
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:21,500
* Yes
bitch *
267
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:22,833
* Every time I go off
268
00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:24,400
* They like
they like **
269
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,300
**
270
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:33,200
God, we are making money
while we're clubbing.
271
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,300
Woo!
272
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,900
What is happening?
273
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:40,300
Dude, I think they
know we're crashing.
274
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,600
Watch this.
275
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:43,333
Hey!
276
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:44,367
Hey!
277
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:47,067
Do you know them?
278
00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:48,067
No.
279
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:49,700
But in da klerb,
we all fam.
280
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:50,700
What?
281
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,167
In da klerb.
282
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:53,433
We all fam.
283
00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:54,500
I don't--
284
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:55,500
In the club,
we are all family.
285
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,267
Are you racist?
286
00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,167
N-no.
287
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:00,867
It's 2016.
288
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:01,667
What?
I didn't--
289
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:02,500
I didn't
say anything.
290
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,667
Let's just try
to have fun.
291
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:06,333
Oh, my God, what's
wrong with you?
292
00:10:06,433 --> 00:10:08,733
**
293
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:11,500
* Yeah
294
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,500
* Word to mother
295
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,000
* Knock
a brother *
296
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,300
* Then I bust a --
on they money then I hold up *
297
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,533
Hey!
298
00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:19,567
Hey!
299
00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:20,567
Hey!
300
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:21,833
Hey!
301
00:10:21,933 --> 00:10:23,267
I gotta go pee.
302
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:23,833
Yeah!
303
00:10:23,933 --> 00:10:25,400
Such a dom.
304
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,833
**
305
00:10:28,933 --> 00:10:30,500
Ooh!
Sorry.
306
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,267
Mami Lani wanna climb
da beanstalk.
307
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,200
Ab, look-- My security.
(laughing)
308
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,000
Jesus, Ilana.
309
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,000
Gingers
have souls!
310
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,767
No, I know
they do, dude.
311
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,633
That is
Blake Griffin!
312
00:10:52,733 --> 00:10:57,233
He plays for
the N... B...
313
00:10:57,333 --> 00:10:58,867
A!
A?
314
00:10:58,967 --> 00:11:00,367
Oh, my God,
no way!
315
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:02,067
We just met and really hit it
off, he's so sweet.
316
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:02,633
Oh, my God.
And he smells so good.
317
00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:03,767
I bet he does.
318
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:06,267
I bet he'd be a stamp
in my sexual passport,
319
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:07,267
'cause you know,
I've never been with
320
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,533
someone over 6'5".
Someone over 6'5",
321
00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:10,300
I know!
Exactly.
322
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,800
Oh.
This is huge.
323
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:15,700
You know, listen, I'm
not gonna leave you here.
324
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,267
What if I make this
a threesome?
325
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:18,100
(phone alert)
326
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,600
I mean...
One second.
327
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:20,733
You know, I really pictured it
just us first, experimenting,
328
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:23,467
but to have a dick
around, I'm down.
329
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:25,500
I don't think it takes away
anything from our friendship.
330
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,267
I've just been texting with my
subletter, it's not a big deal.
331
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:29,400
Hold up.
332
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,967
You have a hot piece already
in your apartment
333
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,933
who's obviously
obsessed with you?
334
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,933
We have been texting, like,
texts that could be sexts.
335
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:39,067
Also, he touched
my nipple.
336
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,700
You should go home
and satisfy your bon appétit!
337
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,167
You know what?
338
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:43,600
I am gonna go, 'cause I
haven't had sex in a while,
339
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,733
and also,
this place is, like...
340
00:11:45,833 --> 00:11:46,867
Really making
me horny.
341
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:48,367
This plan rules.
Love you, bitch.
342
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,433
Love you.
343
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:51,233
Ilana, also, don't forget
to stretch!
344
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:51,567
You got it.
345
00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:57,500
**
346
00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:03,633
(sniffing)
347
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,400
Yeah, that
smells good.
348
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,500
Henri?
349
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,500
(gasps)
350
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,600
**
351
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,400
Henri?
352
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,533
Henri, I think we got r--
353
00:12:23,633 --> 00:12:24,633
Henri.
354
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,900
And then I told him
my birthday.
355
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:30,767
And that's the combination.
356
00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:31,900
That was dumb.
357
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,967
Don't blame
yourself, okay?
358
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:35,800
'Cause boys are
the worst.
359
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:36,967
(police radio crackles)
360
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,800
Metro Units,
34th and Steinway.
361
00:12:38,900 --> 00:12:40,433
Unidentified
black male
362
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:43,333
pretending to read book
on park bench, probably armed.
363
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:45,067
Let's roll!
364
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,067
Bye?
365
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:02,100
You know, like,
as an athlete,
366
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,333
I just think it's really
important to do, like,
367
00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:07,333
some dynamic stretching before
any kind of physical activity.
368
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:09,800
What if we dynamically...
um...
369
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,100
take our clothes off?
370
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,633
Yes, I'm down.
Awesome.
371
00:13:13,733 --> 00:13:15,233
I'm so down.
Okay,
go.
372
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:27,400
(laughing)
373
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,567
Oh, my God!
374
00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:31,067
That is unreal.
375
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,200
You are
joking.
376
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,533
Is...
something wrong?
377
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:34,700
Oh, my God, no!
378
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:35,667
The opposite
of it.
379
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:36,767
Oh!
380
00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:37,667
It's so much.
So much good.
381
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:40,367
I mean...
(kissing fingers)
382
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:44,133
But it's not gonna,
um, work?
383
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:46,767
I won't be able to...
receive you.
384
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,833
Oh.
385
00:13:48,933 --> 00:13:50,833
But what if we get...
creative?
386
00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:53,067
Like, what do you
have in mind?
387
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,800
I don't know.
388
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,500
But we are gonna
find out.
389
00:13:58,067 --> 00:13:58,967
Robbed?
390
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:02,300
Oh, I'm glad
I locked my room.
391
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,400
Bevers, I was hoping that
you could come back tonight
392
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:07,200
just because this
BnB NYC guy has my key
393
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,433
and I just feel like, um,
394
00:14:09,533 --> 00:14:11,633
a little uncomfortable
staying here by myself.
395
00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:12,867
Sorry, Ab,
396
00:14:12,967 --> 00:14:15,333
the next bus out of Atlantic
City isn't 'til morning.
397
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:18,067
I could FaceTime with you and
watch you sleep if that'll help.
398
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:19,133
All right, bye.
399
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:22,067
What--
400
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,867
What are we doing?
401
00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:25,300
What's this
relationship?
402
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,133
(sighing heavily)
403
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:32,400
Hey.
404
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,067
* Get it get it
drop it low *
405
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,067
* Oh Lord let it go
406
00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:36,067
Yeah, yeah...
407
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,900
* Get it get it
drop it low *
408
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,833
* Get up to dance
Move something *
409
00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:41,600
* Get it get it
Get it get it *
410
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:43,467
* Get it get it
Get it get it *
411
00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:45,367
* Get it get it
Get it get it *
412
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,200
* Get it get it
Move something *
413
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,067
* Drop low
Drop low *
414
00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:50,900
* Drop low
Drop low *
415
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,633
It's okay,
it's okay.
416
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:53,700
It's okay, it's okay,
shh, shh, shh...
417
00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:57,500
(both slurping)
418
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,700
* Work that work that
Oh!
419
00:14:58,800 --> 00:14:59,633
* Work that work that
Work that work that *
420
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,467
* Work that work that
Yeah!
421
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,200
Oh, are you okay?
Oh!
422
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:03,367
* Move something
423
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,400
* Let's go let's go
let's go let's go *
424
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,967
I'm so close!
Me too!
425
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,967
* Move something *
426
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,700
(doorbell rings)
427
00:15:13,733 --> 00:15:14,667
Hey.
428
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:14,933
Stay right there.
429
00:15:22,233 --> 00:15:23,367
Clear!
430
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:28,767
Clear!
431
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,267
Clear.
432
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:34,867
Clear!
433
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,400
Seriously,
you're all clear.
434
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,700
Thanks, Trey.
No problem.
435
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,800
I've always wanted to do that.
You know, "clear"?
436
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:41,067
Right.
437
00:15:41,133 --> 00:15:42,167
You okay?
438
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:43,433
Yeah, I'm fine.
439
00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:45,067
I'm so sorry
I called you so late.
440
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:46,567
No, I'm so glad
you called.
441
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:47,167
I wouldn't want you
here by yourself.
442
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:48,200
Cool, thank you.
443
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,933
I feel much better
that you're here now.
444
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:52,200
I'm so glad,
you know?
445
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,933
No, I'm just, like...
446
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:54,967
You don't give your key
to a stranger
447
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:57,867
just 'cause he's
really cute, you know?
448
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:58,800
That's a dumb idea.
449
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,300
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's cool.
450
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,400
I don't know
what to do.
451
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,667
It's cool, it's cool.
452
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,067
You know what I do
when I'm feeling down?
453
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,167
I pop in
a kick-ass DVD, okay?
454
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:10,100
So, we got...
455
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,067
"Hangover III,"
honestly, the best one.
456
00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:14,567
"Babe."
457
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:16,733
Oscar nom.
458
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:19,433
And my personal favorite,
"Ratatouille."
459
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:22,067
Oh, that'd be cool, but, like,
he took my TV and my DVD player.
460
00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,900
I anticipated
that, so...
461
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:28,367
My mom got me this portable
DVD player for Christmas
462
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:29,933
so I could watch movies
on the subway.
463
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,067
Okay.
464
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:32,067
Come on.
465
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,367
Cool.
466
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,300
Man, I wish there was a
basketball league for women
467
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,833
so I could play.
468
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:38,833
Well, there is.
469
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:41,600
It's the...
WNBA.
470
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,733
Yeah.
Yeah.
471
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:43,800
The WNBA.
472
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:44,967
I mean,
they are so good.
473
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:48,633
I literally steal moves
from them all the time.
474
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,400
Are you kidding?
All the time.
475
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,500
Some of the moves they do,
I can't even, like--
476
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,067
I can't even think of
in my head.
477
00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:55,200
It's just, like...
478
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:59,733
the best version
of basketball there is.
479
00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:00,633
That's women
for you.
480
00:17:00,733 --> 00:17:03,267
Always making
stuff better.
481
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:06,333
**
482
00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:08,367
That is so good,
right?
483
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,333
If Remy had
a real restaurant,
484
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:14,233
I would totally go there
for my cheat meals.
485
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,067
Don't care that he's a rat.
Don't give a shit.
486
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,867
He is so...
487
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,100
special.
488
00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,100
That's really cool.
489
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,233
You draw that
with paints?
490
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:24,667
I did,
I, like--
491
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:26,900
I think of it just as,
like, a painting.
492
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:27,933
That's cool.
493
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,067
I really like art,
actually.
494
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:30,300
Really?
Yeah.
495
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,300
I would say my favorite painter
is probably, um...
496
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,300
Pablo Picasso.
497
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,167
Picasso,
baby.
498
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:39,400
Uh, yeah, he's,
like, pretty classic.
499
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,200
Want to see my impression
of a Picasso painting?
500
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:42,833
Yes,
I would love to.
501
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,167
Ha ha ha!
502
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:48,900
Trey, that is
really funny.
503
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:49,967
It kinda hurts.
504
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:52,367
Oh, my God, I have
to show you this video--
505
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:55,900
I was gonna show you
a video on my laptop.
506
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:56,900
Ahh.
507
00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,567
And then that guy
stole it today.
508
00:17:58,667 --> 00:17:59,833
Stole that, too...
Hey, you know what they say?
509
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:02,167
You're not a real New Yorker
until you've been robbed.
510
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:04,967
I've been a New Yorker
three times, so.
511
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,467
Well,
it's getting late.
512
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:08,833
I should-- I should
probably go to bed.
513
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:10,333
Thank you so much
for coming over.
514
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:11,167
This took
my mind off things.
515
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:12,233
That's what I'm here for.
516
00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:13,300
And you know what?
Don't worry.
517
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,200
I'm gonna be here
with my Louisville,
518
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:16,367
so you're
totally safe.
519
00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:17,400
Sleep tight.
520
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:18,733
All right,
thanks, Trey.
521
00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:19,433
No problem.
522
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,133
(sighs heavily)
523
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:56,800
Hey.
524
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,067
(whispering)
Bazinga.
525
00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:07,300
I am so sorry that my phone
was on "do not disturb."
526
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,933
I love that function.
527
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,600
You must have been so scared
here, all alone
528
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,067
and that had
just happened.
529
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,133
Um...
530
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:15,400
Actually...
531
00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:19,367
I was.
532
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,433
I felt really
brave, though.
533
00:19:21,533 --> 00:19:24,100
My mom always said
that French people hate Jews.
534
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,067
I'm pretty sure it's
unrelated, though, right?
535
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,367
Right, he probably didn't
know that you were...
536
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,367
Perfect nose.
537
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,367
Uh...
I'm...
538
00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:34,267
Dude, ew!
539
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,467
Ohhhh!
Ew!
540
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,467
What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
541
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,233
A (bleep) condom!
Ew!
542
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,367
Ab, this is it!
543
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:42,533
This could be the key
to the whole crime!
544
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:44,733
This could unlock the whole
thing, it's only six to--
545
00:19:44,833 --> 00:19:45,600
Ew!
546
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,067
Six-and-a-half
hours old.
547
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:48,400
Fresh on his tail.
548
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,367
We could find out exactly who
this guy is through his DNA!
549
00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:52,833
Trail him down,
nail him down!
550
00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:54,067
Fist!
551
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:55,467
Okay, I don't think
that's a good idea, dude.
552
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:56,467
You didn't see him.
553
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,767
He was
dangerous.
554
00:19:57,867 --> 00:19:59,067
Really?
555
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,867
Yeah, we gotta just, like,
throw that condom away
556
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:01,767
and act like we
never saw it
557
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,500
and never
bring it up again.
558
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,800
You sure?
559
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:05,900
'Cause, I'm like,
this is the whole thing.
560
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,433
I am positive, dude!
You didn't see this guy!
561
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:08,600
He had pecs--
562
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,700
Like, they were bigger
than my boobs!
563
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,033
God.
564
00:20:12,133 --> 00:20:16,367
To be that horny and move so
efficiently is something that,
565
00:20:16,467 --> 00:20:19,833
you know, even though
I hate him, I admire.
566
00:20:20,367 --> 00:20:22,133
So, sex!
567
00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:25,400
Sex with Blake Griffin, dude,
you didn't even talk about it.
568
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:28,433
It wasn't full
peena-vageena.
569
00:20:28,533 --> 00:20:29,633
Penis in vagina.
570
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:31,900
That sucks.
Is it-- Was it okay?
571
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,267
It was awesome.
572
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:35,333
We did stuff that I never
even thought of before.
Whoa.
573
00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:37,967
All I gotta say,
it was nothing but net.
574
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:39,333
Oh!
575
00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:41,733
And by nothing but net, I mean
he fingered me 'til I (bleep).
576
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:42,933
Wow.
577
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,000
Lincoln loved it, even.
He thought it was so hot.
578
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:45,600
You told Lincoln?
579
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,733
Was he
jealous?
580
00:20:47,833 --> 00:20:48,533
I think he was okay
with it.
581
00:20:51,133 --> 00:20:52,100
Thank you.
582
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,233
Mm-hmm.
583
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,500
This is Blake
Griffin's shoe.
584
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,433
Now I use it
as a murse.
585
00:20:57,533 --> 00:20:59,300
A male purse.
586
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,200
We're Eskimo brothers.
587
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,100
Heh heh heh.
588
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:11,167
Oh, I am so happy
to be home.
589
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,333
I have frosting in every
one of my crevices.
590
00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:15,433
Ilana?
591
00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:17,600
(coughing)
592
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:20,067
(woman slowly speaking Japanese)
593
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:22,067
(phone app, translating)
What's up, bitch?
39463
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