Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,933
(Ilana)
Okay, so how many
do we have so far?
2
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,433
We're at 59.
3
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:14,300
(exhales sharply)
Okay.
4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,033
Brrrr-- 60.
5
00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:17,567
A GIF basket.
6
00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:20,467
It's an app that stores
.GIFs in your phone
7
00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:22,100
so that when you
send a text,
8
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,567
you can send the GIF
faster than your friend.
9
00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:25,100
Love it,
going on the list.
10
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,667
Even though, someone at work
actually told me
11
00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:28,433
it's pronounced
"jiff."
12
00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:29,867
I know, but I am
not doing that.
13
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:30,933
No,
it's disgusting.
14
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,233
I'm not doing
that either.
15
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,400
Okay,
I have one.
16
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,467
A gynecologist that's also
a bikini waxer.
17
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:40,500
That is a literal
one-stop pussy shop.
18
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:41,733
I love it!
19
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,433
I love you,
I love this day.
20
00:00:43,533 --> 00:00:45,933
I think we might actually
be literal geniuses.
21
00:00:46,033 --> 00:00:48,500
Oh, we for sure
are geniuses.
22
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,767
Get this.
23
00:00:49,867 --> 00:00:53,300
A skateboard,
with a handle.
24
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,033
That's, like,
a scooter.
25
00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:56,200
Derr.
26
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:57,200
Derr, derr,
derr, derr.
27
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,600
Okay,
I have one.
28
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,067
Boots that have magnets on the
bottom, so when you walk around,
29
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,333
you're just
picking up change.
30
00:01:02,433 --> 00:01:03,467
You never need
to bend over.
31
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:04,700
I love that.
32
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,267
Then I could be the Jewish
stereotype that I am
33
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,100
without being
known for it.
34
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,133
Exactly, dude.
35
00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,833
God, this is the most
productive morning of my life.
36
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:15,833
I feel rejuvenated.
37
00:01:15,933 --> 00:01:16,900
I'm truly alive.
38
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:18,267
Okay,
we're at 63.
39
00:01:18,367 --> 00:01:19,500
I say we get brunch.
40
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,400
If by brunch, you mean
bodega bacon egg and cheese,
41
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,733
then I am in.
42
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,433
Dass it.
43
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:26,267
Damn, the park
is serene today.
44
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,500
It's just,
like, beautiful.
45
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,533
Why don't we come
here more?
46
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:30,067
It's just far.
It is far.
47
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,400
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
48
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,867
**
49
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:42,067
Swimmers have, like, hard pubes
and shriveled dicks.
50
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,633
Football's,
like, too scary.
51
00:01:43,733 --> 00:01:46,067
Baseball can be hot, but you
need a shortstop or something.
52
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:47,333
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53
00:01:47,433 --> 00:01:50,500
For me, it's wrestlers,
gymnasts-- jockeys, bay-bay!
54
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,567
I would ride those tiny
jacked little bodies.
55
00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:55,533
It's like me,
but, like, a boy.
56
00:01:55,633 --> 00:01:56,567
You okay?
57
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:57,767
Like, I don't want
to go today.
58
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,833
It's gonna
suck so bad.
59
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:00,900
Listen.
60
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:02,833
This day comes
for all of us.
61
00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:07,233
You must get
your license renewed.
62
00:02:07,333 --> 00:02:09,733
At the DMV.
63
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,167
V, V, V...
64
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:13,067
It sucks,
but you are gonna kill it.
65
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,267
All right,
yeah.
66
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,900
In the span of your whole
lifetime, it's a second.
67
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,300
But in reality,
it'll be, like, 12 hours.
68
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,200
You know what?
You're right.
69
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:22,233
This could be
exciting.
70
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:23,300
You know why?
71
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,667
This is
gonna be the time
72
00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:26,867
that I take a license photo
that is good.
73
00:02:26,967 --> 00:02:28,867
'Course you are.
With that ass?
74
00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:30,733
They don't let you put
your ass in the photo.
75
00:02:30,833 --> 00:02:32,067
They really should.
76
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,900
I know you from your ass
better than I know your face.
77
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:38,300
You know me from my ass better
than you know me from my face?
78
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,400
Yep, and hearing it
said back to me slower
79
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,633
only validates
it more.
80
00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:42,967
Okay.
81
00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:46,300
Well, we are just two sangle
gals doing our thang today.
82
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,200
I applied for over three jobs
and haven't gotten any.
83
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,633
Today is all
about that hustle.
84
00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:52,633
All right,
I'll see ya.
85
00:02:52,733 --> 00:02:54,533
I gotta go
this way.
Ilana!
86
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,300
Love that lip color.
Oh, thanks.
87
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,967
I found it,
it was a rescue.
88
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,300
You found it?
89
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,567
Yeah, there was more than half
left, so I cut the top off.
90
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,700
You don't... buy new.
Do you?
91
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,133
No, that's
disgusting.
92
00:03:06,233 --> 00:03:07,467
All right.
93
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,233
Later,
bitch!
94
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,867
So I need my hair to look
perfect for this photo.
95
00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,267
I gotcha, girl.
96
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,867
You're gonna look just like
a "Bachelor" contestant.
97
00:03:17,967 --> 00:03:19,433
Oh, uh, no...
98
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,700
No, but one that quits 'cause
she's too good for the show.
99
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,867
Okay, yes,
that is perfect.
100
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:27,133
For real, every single
professional photo
101
00:03:27,233 --> 00:03:30,967
I have ever taken my whole life
has come out horrible.
102
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,800
Everyone says that.
No, they are.
103
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,200
I have them all
on my phone.
104
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,633
Great, so this is
my last license photo.
105
00:03:36,733 --> 00:03:38,067
You see,
it's like...
106
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:39,367
Trying showing
that to the cops
107
00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:40,667
every time you get
pulled over, huh?
108
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:41,767
This is
my senior photo.
109
00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:42,933
That's gross.
110
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:45,300
It's like, I had braces
for a very long time.
111
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,567
Braces cut up the whole
inside of my mouth.
112
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:48,867
No one ever
tells you that.
113
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,533
This is my homecoming
photo,
114
00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:51,967
with my
high school boyfriend.
115
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:52,967
Ooh.
116
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,300
You think he was gay?
117
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,500
Um, I don't like to go off
of looks, but I mean--
118
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,633
He was gay.
Yeah, he was gay.
119
00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:58,767
I didn't know.
120
00:03:58,867 --> 00:04:00,600
But then everybody knew,
you know?
Yeah.
121
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,433
Like, all
the teachers knew, too.
Wow.
122
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,700
And he's actually
a billionaire now.
123
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,067
In Idaho, yeah.
124
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,600
Oh, this is
my passport photo.
125
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:08,733
Is that a bee?
126
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:09,900
Yeah,
that is a bee.
127
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:11,067
Ooh.
128
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,933
This bee followed me around
Astoria for 30 days.
129
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,900
Oh, my gosh.
What?
130
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:16,067
I can't believe
I almost forgot.
131
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,067
Deals, Deals, Deals coupon
for this haircut.
132
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,833
This makes your haircut
like $15.
133
00:04:19,933 --> 00:04:21,733
I know.
How amazing is that?
134
00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:22,933
I guess, um...
135
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:24,067
Well, then we'll
get started.
136
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,567
So I was thinking some layers,
maybe, um...
137
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,500
And we are done.
138
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,500
Are we?
139
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,700
Yeah.
140
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:37,400
Ow,
my subluxation!
141
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:38,500
Oh!
142
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,067
Oh, no!
143
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,767
Ladies and
gentle dudes.
144
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,333
I've fallen on hard times.
145
00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:48,933
After graduating
from New York University,
146
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,900
I lost my job at
an Internet startup.
147
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,067
Deals, Deals, Deals.
148
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,100
Check 'em out,
I bear them no ill will.
149
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,100
Anyway, I'm not panhandling,
I'm just performing for tips.
150
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,200
Tip if you like,
you know, no presh.
151
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,733
Here we go.
152
00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,367
(tap dancing)
153
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:16,767
Thank you so much.
154
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,733
Thank you so much
for your generosity.
155
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:24,733
Oh, my God, Ilana.
156
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:25,867
Eliot!
157
00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:27,233
I didn't know you
take the A train.
158
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:28,233
Hi.
159
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:29,633
Ilana, I was filming you
for my Tumblr.
160
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:31,200
Oh, my God.
Me?
161
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,733
For Q Believe This Idiot.
Tumblr.com?
162
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:33,967
Here, get
a better one?
163
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,933
No, you idiot--
Oh, my God.
164
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,433
Mom doesn't know
you got fired
165
00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:38,967
and I'm getting tired
of covering for you.
166
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,267
You need to get
a real job.
167
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:41,533
I mean, you were born
in the '90s.
168
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,900
I'm sure you've got
a Flappy Bird in you.
169
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,367
Eliot, this
is a real job.
170
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:50,267
(man's voice)
Stand clear of the closing
doors, please. (doors chime)
171
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,267
Thank you.
172
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,767
You see?
Yeah, honestly,
173
00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:55,100
you not listening to me
about this is homophobic.
174
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,100
It is?
175
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,967
No, it's not,
but get a job.
176
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,167
I knew you were right
before I did the flip.
177
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,833
Oh that's not so bad.
178
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,400
Oh, God.
179
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,900
Oh.
180
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:23,333
G-42.
181
00:06:23,433 --> 00:06:25,167
Picture of a hammer?
182
00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:30,833
It's me!
(cackling wildly)
183
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,433
That's me!
(cackling)
184
00:06:33,533 --> 00:06:35,400
I can't believe...
185
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:38,333
I'm free!
(laughing insanely)
186
00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:39,333
Oh, my God.
187
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,167
(woman continues cackling)
188
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,433
(Ilana)
Come on--
you're a temp agency.
189
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,600
Look, I've asked you
three times.
190
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:50,600
Just please leave.
191
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,167
I can't,
I need a job.
192
00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:54,367
(gulping)
193
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,067
A real job.
194
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:59,067
No, every time I try to help
you, it turns into a disaster.
195
00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:00,900
The Chinese food?
I was hungry.
196
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,400
The plane tickets?
I was thirsty.
197
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,400
The door?
198
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,233
I did not know
it was a door.
199
00:07:05,333 --> 00:07:06,900
That shape.
You know what?
200
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,267
My life is just a mess
right now anyways, okay?
201
00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:09,667
Between you
and me, the--
202
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:11,167
I'm barely hanging on
to this business as it is.
203
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:13,167
No.
See this tooth?
204
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,233
Dead.
205
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,633
(microwave dings)
206
00:07:19,433 --> 00:07:21,667
Is it supposed to take more than
three days to heat up a potato?
207
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:22,733
I don't think so.
208
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:25,200
See? Everything in
my life is broken.
209
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,067
Plus, I'm two months
pregnant.
210
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,667
Two?!
Yeah.
211
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,733
I probably shouldn't even
be telling people yet.
212
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:34,633
Ugh, what is happening
to my life?
213
00:07:34,733 --> 00:07:36,067
Will you just
come lay with me?
214
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,167
Just...
215
00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,233
hold my hand?
216
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,567
Um...
217
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:41,967
Yeah.
218
00:07:44,233 --> 00:07:47,467
Maybe I should just
chuck it all and start over.
219
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,533
Do you know
of any good jobs?
220
00:07:50,633 --> 00:07:52,167
No...
221
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,633
Do you?
222
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,333
(in pain)
Oh! Ahh!
223
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,233
(flies buzzing)
224
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,733
(whispering)
Hey. Hey.
225
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,733
(whispers)
Yeah? Want some?
226
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:27,100
(electronic chime)
227
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,867
That's my number!
There's mine!
228
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:30,867
I win!
Oh, excuse me.
229
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:32,833
Hi, Abbi Abrams,
finally.
230
00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:34,333
Smile on the
count of three.
231
00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:37,467
Okay, hold--
Just hold-- Okay.
232
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:38,767
Face forward,
please.
233
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:40,633
Can't we just do, like,
a sideways, like,
234
00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:42,100
pouty,
cool thing?
235
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,500
You have to
face forward.
236
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,967
It's regulation.
237
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,933
Or we could just
use your old photo.
238
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:48,600
No, no, no, no.
239
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:49,600
Okay.
240
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:50,867
Can you just
count me down?
241
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,767
'Cause I can only face forward
for, like, a second.
242
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,167
Three...
243
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,633
Two...
244
00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:56,833
One.
245
00:08:56,933 --> 00:08:59,267
(neck crunching)
Oh!
246
00:09:01,933 --> 00:09:03,733
Repeat after me.
247
00:09:03,833 --> 00:09:05,567
I am
a badass queen.
248
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:07,900
I am
a badass queen.
249
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,900
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!
250
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,533
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!
251
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,133
That was great.
252
00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:14,700
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
253
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:15,700
You're very welcome.
254
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:16,867
You are so wise.
255
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:19,200
You have so much insight.
You know what?
256
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,367
I have the perfect job
for you.
Social worker?
257
00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:22,367
Bike messenger.
258
00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:23,667
Even better.
259
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,967
Yass!
260
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,167
Ass, ass,
ass, ass.
261
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,833
Ass, ass, ass, ass.
262
00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:34,367
Here you go!
263
00:09:34,467 --> 00:09:35,800
This isn't
for me!
264
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,867
Oh, yes it is!
265
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:39,200
How did she
do that?
266
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,067
(cell phone vibrating)
267
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,233
Hey.
268
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,400
Dude, my purpose
was revealed to me today.
269
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:46,733
From God.
270
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:48,400
Uh, what, dude?
Where are you?
271
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,567
I'm bike messengering.
I have been for, like, an hour.
272
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:51,700
My ass is v. sore,
273
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,500
but that's what you get
when you're BM queen.
274
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,800
I don't know if you should call
yourself a BM queen, right?
275
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:56,833
I mean it both ways.
276
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:58,833
Where are you?
How's that pic?
277
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:01,567
It was horrible, so,
I threw my neck out.
278
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,000
Oh...
279
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,300
I threw my neck out
280
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,867
and I think I need to go
to the chiropractor, so.
281
00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:07,867
Oh, my God.
282
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:09,367
Drop a pin,
I'll pick you up.
283
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,467
It would be an honor to deliver
the most precious package
284
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:12,967
in all of
New York City.
285
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,367
Dat ass.
286
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,300
(whimpering)
Oh...
287
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,800
(car honking)
288
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:23,267
**
289
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:24,667
Ow!
290
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:25,900
* There she is
291
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,033
* The most beautiful girl
in the world *
292
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,067
Shit.
293
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:31,167
Yikes.
294
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:32,500
That's bad!
295
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,900
We gotta go really slow, because
I really (bleep) my neck.
296
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,667
You won't even know
you're on a bike.
297
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:38,900
Ahh!
298
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,633
I'm definitely
on a bike!
299
00:10:40,733 --> 00:10:41,967
Oh, shit!
300
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:44,200
Oh, my God,
slow down, dude!
301
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,533
Thank you so much,
Dr. Heller,
302
00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:46,967
you're really
saving my life today.
303
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:50,567
You need to be sure you're
taking care of yourself, Abbi.
304
00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:51,633
(cracking)
Ow.
305
00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:52,767
You getting
enough sleep?
306
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:54,633
Well, I mostly tussle,
but I think I'm getting,
307
00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:57,567
like, a solid six hours
of tussling per night.
308
00:10:57,667 --> 00:10:58,800
(cracking)
Oh!
309
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,867
And I know your work
is very important
310
00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:03,300
and actually, somebody just
bought one of your drawings
311
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,100
off my wall.
I saw!
312
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,533
Last week,
about $45.
313
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:07,533
Yeah.
314
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:08,600
That covers
your co-pay,
315
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:10,300
so that means this
appointment is for free.
316
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,267
Yes!
Yes.
317
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,833
(cracking, farting)
Oh!
318
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:15,533
Oh, good.
319
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,600
Good,
that's very healthy.
320
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:18,867
I'm sorry.
321
00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:20,967
And next time, when you make
an appointment at the DMV,
322
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,200
do it online.
323
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,200
That way when you get there,
it just takes a minute.
324
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,333
Wait.
Wait, what?
325
00:11:25,433 --> 00:11:26,400
Oh!
326
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:27,533
Lie down, lie down again,
lie down again.
327
00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:28,867
You did it again.
328
00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:30,967
(cracking)
Ow.
329
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,567
I'm proud of you.
330
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:33,967
Wait--
331
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,367
What do you mean you can make an
online reservation at the DMV?
332
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,300
Yes, of course you can!
This is 2016.
333
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,267
The DMV is
actually very nice now.
334
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,200
I don't understand that
you don't know this.
335
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,600
Well, I don't know
the Internet that well.
336
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,200
Look at that, 4:45, you have
one last appointment today.
337
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,533
You can still
make it, look.
338
00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:49,533
Holy shit!
339
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,867
Wait a minute.
340
00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:53,933
What are you...
(scissors snipping)
341
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,933
Look, look at this.
342
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,600
You're
a miracle worker.
343
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:58,700
Now go get 'em.
344
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,467
Thanks, Dr. Heller.
Love you.
345
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,933
I mean, I'll see you
at our next appointment.
346
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,700
Hey, I love you, too.
347
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,400
Hi.
348
00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:19,800
Wow, I love
your whole deal.
349
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:20,833
Mm-hmm.
350
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:24,067
Anyway, I'm delivering
a package for...
351
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,533
Where dis?
352
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:30,167
It's Hillary Clinton's
campaign headquarters.
353
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,500
(echoing)
Headquarters, headquarters...
354
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:36,900
(choir starts singing
majestically)
355
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,633
Mm!
356
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,067
Ha-ahh!
357
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:51,567
Wow.
358
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:52,567
Are you guys hiring?
359
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:53,567
Do you have
a CV?
360
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,933
A...
coconut vice?
361
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,833
A resumé?
Oh.
362
00:12:56,933 --> 00:13:01,800
Um, it is saved on my photo
stream for cases like this.
363
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:02,833
Just don't swipe
right.
364
00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:04,200
I just accidentally
swiped right.
365
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,400
Okay.
366
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,067
Great.
Can you start today?
367
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,300
Great.
368
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,633
You should probably see
a doctor about that rash.
369
00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:11,867
I know
what it is,
370
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:13,833
I'm just tracking the progress,
thank you so much.
371
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:16,067
Ilana Wexler
and Hillary Clinton?
372
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:18,933
Two powerful whomen
whorking as whone?
373
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,900
Well, you'll never
see her, but, sure.
374
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,433
I'm not so sure.
I'm pretty sure.
375
00:13:22,533 --> 00:13:24,100
Yeah, you're--
You're probably right.
376
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,167
Over the next few weeks,
377
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,433
we are gonna push hard
toward the primary.
378
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:30,733
We are gonna call every
registered Democratic voter,
379
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:33,300
we are gonna confirm the
location of their polling place.
380
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,733
Every vote counts.
381
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,767
Yas, yas, yas,
yas, yas!
382
00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:38,067
Thank you.
383
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,767
But just remind them succinctly
that a vote for Hillary
384
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,767
is a vote
for the working class.
385
00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:44,133
And minorities.
386
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:46,533
You know, your caramels,
your queers, your Ls, your Gs,
387
00:13:46,633 --> 00:13:48,267
your Bs, your Ts,
your Qs.
388
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,267
Vets, right?
Babies.
389
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:51,400
The--
The handi-capable.
390
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,400
Yes!
391
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:53,533
Thank you,
Ms. um...?
392
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,567
Ilana...
Rodham Wexler.
393
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:57,100
I love your enthusiasm,
394
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,100
but how about the next time you
have the impulse to say "yas,"
395
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,333
you could just nod.
396
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,867
So back
to cold-calling.
397
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:09,100
It's really important to remind
people of Hillary's service.
398
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,767
Not only was she
Secretary of State.
399
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,233
She was a practicing
lawyer.
400
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:17,067
She expanded health insurance
for lower income families.
401
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,100
And she's won a Grammy.
402
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,500
Oh...
403
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,667
(gasping deeply)
404
00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:25,100
I did not
know that.
405
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,367
We do not answer
questions on: Make-up.
406
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:30,767
Bras.
407
00:14:30,867 --> 00:14:32,067
Panties.
408
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,167
Um, lastly,
some answers
409
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:36,833
to some common questions
we get on calls.
410
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:40,167
No, Hillary does not cry
at the office.
411
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:42,433
Yes, Hillary
can read a map.
412
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:45,500
No, Hillary will not enforce
male birth control
413
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,367
or male pregnancy,
as that is not a thing.
414
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,733
And no, Hillary
is not a witch.
415
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,867
Do people seriously
ask this stuff?
416
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,467
Every day.
417
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,900
Every day!
418
00:14:58,067 --> 00:14:59,633
I guess they do.
419
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:14,433
(harp playing)
What is happening?
420
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,067
May I?
421
00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:21,800
Everything you see,
you can taste.
422
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,367
Go ahead,
try it.
423
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,833
It's delicious.
424
00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:28,967
I'm happy
to hear.
425
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,500
Right this way,
Miss Abrams.
426
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,533
Dark chocolate, milk chocolate,
white chocolate.
427
00:15:32,633 --> 00:15:33,733
Oh, look,
it's a chocolate fountain
428
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,700
and the flowers
are edible-- (laughing)
429
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,233
Victoria, look,
it's Miss Abrams.
430
00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:40,400
We've been waiting
for you.
431
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,800
Look, the strawberries
match the carpet.
432
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,300
They match the carpet,
they're both red!
433
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,967
May I say, what gorgeous hair
you're gracing us with today?
434
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:47,967
Thank you.
435
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,467
My, uh--
My chiropractor did it.
436
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:52,633
(laughing)
Oh, you're hilarious.
437
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:55,533
I daresay you're the funniest
person I've ever met.
438
00:15:55,633 --> 00:15:57,067
Stop.
439
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,300
This is
unbelievable.
440
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,333
Believe it.
441
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:02,733
This is the DMV
the way it can be.
442
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:05,067
They are ready
for you now.
Okay.
443
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,700
But, why don't you have
a massage first?
444
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,800
They can wait.
445
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:09,800
Okay.
446
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,067
Thank you.
447
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,133
Hi.
448
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,433
(harp continues playing)
449
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,733
I know, it's like,
450
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,933
(in baby voice)
"Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty
Old White Man,
451
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,267
"can I pweeze
keep my ovawies?"
452
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,200
All right, bitch, you better
vote-- Text me when you do.
453
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,200
Peace.
(hangs up)
454
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,067
Was that
a personal call?
No.
455
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,067
Uh, this woman
was bovo'ing out
456
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:30,433
'cause she didn't know where to
vote and I was like, I got you.
457
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:31,600
Great.
458
00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:35,600
Hi, I'm calling on behalf
of Hillary Rodham Clinton.
459
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,300
No, she's not
a witch.
460
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,333
Um...
Do I sound like her?
461
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,333
Ready?
462
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:48,367
I've never been
more ready.
463
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,967
We got it.
464
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:55,367
Let's do one more,
for me.
465
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:56,600
Wow.
466
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:57,933
Yeah.
Really?
467
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,933
Yeah.
468
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,767
Are you a model?
469
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:01,767
You could be.
470
00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:03,333
Take his card.
Call me.
471
00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:04,333
Cool.
472
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:05,933
I mean, yeah, sure,
maybe I will.
473
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,067
I will.
474
00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:08,200
No, you can
call a man a bitch.
475
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,200
Later, bitch.
476
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:10,433
Uh, Ilana?
Yep?
477
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:13,267
Hi, I found this on my desk,
it has your name on it?
478
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,467
And it says,
479
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,267
"Communications liaison
for Hillary Clinton,
480
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,567
future Presidentress
of the United States."
481
00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:19,933
I just had those
made up really,
482
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:24,167
so, everybody can be familiar
with how to refer to me,
483
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,467
so everybody
can reach me.
484
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,967
We know how
to reach you, you're--
485
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,067
You're just
right here, so.
486
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,333
Fantastic, Barb.
487
00:17:31,433 --> 00:17:32,967
You do not
go unnoticed.
488
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,800
Know that.
Thank you.
489
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,300
You're on top
of your shit.
Okay.
490
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,633
Riding me.
Yeah.
491
00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:43,167
(man)
Hello?
492
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,900
Yes, hello,
gentle patriot.
493
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:48,067
I'm calling on behalf of
Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton,
494
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:51,633
first and only mother
of Chelsea and Socks.
495
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:53,100
Sorry, no thanks,
I'm at work.
496
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,767
Eliot,
you have to.
497
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,233
It's me! Ilana!
Your sister!
498
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:00,300
Ilana.
499
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,500
Ms. Rodham-Wexler.
500
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,700
Believe it,
dude.
501
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,300
I'm calling you
from a landline.
502
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,733
I have
a real job now.
503
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,233
It's beautiful,
actually, when--
504
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,467
when your work and
your passion line up.
505
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:14,233
You know, I'm making money,
but it's not about the money.
506
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:17,133
You know, just to be clear,
this is not a paid job.
507
00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:19,267
You're
a volunteer.
508
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:24,633
(Eliot)
Ilana?
509
00:18:24,733 --> 00:18:25,700
Uh...
510
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,933
Ilana?
511
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,333
Okay...
512
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,067
Oh!
513
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:44,867
Ooof-- I got sunscreen
in my (bleep)!
514
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:47,400
(sighing)
515
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,400
Yeah.
516
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,600
Check it out.
517
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,200
This is cool, this
is cool to see this.
518
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,967
Your best friend has been
working hard all day
519
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,267
on the Hillary Rodham Clinton
campaign!
520
00:18:58,367 --> 00:18:59,267
She's worked in here.
521
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:00,333
She's walked
on these floors.
522
00:19:00,433 --> 00:19:01,533
She's...
breathed this air.
523
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:02,533
Take it in.
524
00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:04,333
(both inhaling deeply)
525
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,200
Yeah,
that is power.
526
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,200
It smells decisive.
527
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,767
It smells like
confidence.
528
00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:10,633
It smells like
no bullshit.
529
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:12,467
Yeah.
That's my former desk.
530
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,067
Wow.
This is my
former chair.
531
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:16,267
Cool.
Good sitting
and calling.
532
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:18,767
This is the former
leaning column.
533
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,533
Sorta talk about big stuff
that's going on,
534
00:19:21,633 --> 00:19:22,967
domestic,
international.
535
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,300
Very cool.
Very casual.
536
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,667
(voices distorting)
**
537
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,267
**
538
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:40,867
Yas!
Yas!
539
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,533
Holy...
540
00:19:43,633 --> 00:19:48,067
(both laughing)
Oh...
541
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:49,400
Oh, yay!
542
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,600
Sorry, we are
just so excited.
543
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,267
That's all right,
just take your time.
544
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:54,767
One more.
545
00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:59,833
(both squealing)
546
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,633
Thank-- Thank you, Ilana,
thank you for all of your help.
547
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:03,667
You know of me?
548
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,500
Well, you're
wearing a nametag.
549
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:06,867
Genius.
Yes.
550
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,200
Abbi.
551
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,733
Hello.
552
00:20:11,833 --> 00:20:12,900
Proud demo.
553
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:13,900
Crat.
554
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,000
College!
555
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,900
Aquarius.
556
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:17,900
I pegged--
557
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,567
Secretary
Clinton.
558
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,767
Madam... Présidente.
559
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:22,900
She-king.
560
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,433
I can't afford to
volunteer here full-time,
561
00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,067
but I still want to
get the word out,
562
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:29,600
so I vow to tweet
once a week,
563
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,567
"Vote for Hillary.
Yas, yas, yas."
564
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,267
That would be great.
565
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,267
We need to drum up some
excitement for the campaign,
566
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,100
do everything
that we possibly can.
567
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,967
You know
what I'll do?
568
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,600
Yes.
569
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:50,567
Look at that!
570
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:54,167
I thought this would be
really good for office morale!
571
00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:55,567
Isn't she great?
572
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:57,600
Of course.
573
00:20:57,700 --> 00:20:59,433
We assumed
it was a he.
574
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:00,833
Oh, no, no.
575
00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:02,367
It's a she.
576
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:03,833
(Abbi)
It's definitely a she.
577
00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:05,067
Oh, God.
578
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,067
Yeah.
579
00:21:06,167 --> 00:21:07,667
This feels...
just right.
Right.
580
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:18,433
(eagle screeching)
581
00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:22,067
(eagle screeching)
582
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:24,567
(eagle screeching)
583
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:27,400
(sniffling)
Wow.
38706
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof