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1
00:00:08,867 --> 00:00:09,767
And we're going forward.
2
00:00:09,867 --> 00:00:12,100
Two, three, four.
3
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,200
And let's reverse it.
4
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:15,567
Two, three, four,
that's great.
5
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,100
Whoa, are we
DJs right now?
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,733
What are we doing?
I don't know.
7
00:00:18,833 --> 00:00:20,533
(imitating record scratching)
8
00:00:20,633 --> 00:00:21,533
This is hard, right?
9
00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:22,600
This is hard.
10
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:25,367
Let's take it from
a ten to a three.
11
00:00:25,467 --> 00:00:27,367
Uh-oh,
I'm a bird.
12
00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:29,233
Flying to Florida, woo!
13
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,233
Flying to Florida.
Squints!
14
00:00:30,333 --> 00:00:31,267
(Abbi)
Squints!
15
00:00:31,367 --> 00:00:33,633
Everybody,
out of the pool!
16
00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,867
(old woman 1)
Come on!
You can make it!
17
00:00:35,967 --> 00:00:37,333
You can do it!
18
00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:39,367
(old woman 2)
Breathe, breathe!
19
00:00:39,467 --> 00:00:41,367
(old woman 1)
Come on, breathe, breathe.
(old woman 2)
Come on!
20
00:00:41,467 --> 00:00:43,633
Oh, he's lying, Abbi.
21
00:00:43,733 --> 00:00:45,167
(old woman 2)
He's a dirty liar.
22
00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:47,400
Squints, are you
(bleep) kidding me?
23
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:49,500
Dude, you did this
three weeks ago.
24
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,633
One more time and I am leaving
you in the pool to die.
25
00:00:52,733 --> 00:00:53,967
Damn it.
26
00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:56,667
I'll save you, Squints, that's
the reason I tattled on you.
27
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,167
(old woman 2 chuckling)
28
00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,600
Okay, guys.
Class dismissed.
29
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:01,667
I'll see you on Thursday,
though, right?
30
00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:03,200
Great, it was
a great class, guys.
31
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:04,400
Everyone except Squints,
that was great.
32
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:05,567
Abbi?
Listen.
33
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,333
I know how to do it without
popping your cherry.
34
00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:12,367
Come on.
Your husband will never
suspect on your wedding night.
35
00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:14,500
You know that I know
your granddaughter.
36
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,767
I'm texting her right now.
37
00:01:16,867 --> 00:01:18,600
Elder abuse!
38
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:19,667
Elder abuse!
39
00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:21,167
(Squints)
Elder abuse!
40
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:25,333
* Four and three
and two and one-one **
41
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:28,967
**
42
00:01:32,867 --> 00:01:33,800
She shoots, she scores!
43
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:35,400
Ooh!
44
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,400
Sorry.
Sorry.
45
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:37,733
(Todd)
Ilana.
46
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,100
Herr Terrd.
47
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,433
What are you
doing here?
48
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:41,600
Literally nothing!
49
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:46,233
I'm doing stuff,
I'm working.
No, I e-mailed you last night
50
00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:48,100
in a very large,
bold font,
51
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,533
saying not
to come in today.
52
00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:51,567
Did you e-mail
IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com?
53
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,533
I refuse to use that e-mail
address, you know that.
54
00:01:53,633 --> 00:01:55,800
I'm legal, Todd.
55
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,267
Look, there's an
investor coming today.
56
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,367
This is very important.
57
00:01:58,467 --> 00:01:59,400
We need the second
round of funding--
58
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,333
Dude, this means money.
59
00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:04,900
Because I have a bazillion
app ideas that some crusty old
60
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:08,100
white douche would jizz his
little pantsuit for.
61
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,267
Dis good.
62
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,233
Dis real good.
Go home.
63
00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:12,533
You're wearing
a dog hoodie.
64
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,733
Chill, Miss Thang.
This isn't a dog hoodie.
65
00:02:14,833 --> 00:02:16,433
It's from the dog owner's
section of American Apparel--
66
00:02:16,533 --> 00:02:18,333
It has ear holes
for dog ears.
67
00:02:18,433 --> 00:02:19,333
Why would they do that
in a hood?
68
00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:20,700
A hood is to
cover a head.
69
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,267
Is there a pocket
on the back?
70
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:23,900
There is.
Also has a leash hole.
71
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,400
Not the first time this has
happened to me.
72
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,333
Three other times.
I'm gonna fix this
73
00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:28,833
and we are both
gonna be billionaires.
74
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:29,833
No.
75
00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:31,667
Chamillionaires.
76
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,367
Bow, bow, na-now-now--
That's us.
77
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:47,967
(Trey)
Ab-bay.
78
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:50,500
You smell like chlorine,
I love it.
Oh, thanks Trey.
79
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,367
You know, before you were a
trainer, everybody goofed on me
80
00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:54,467
so hard for decorating
my locker.
81
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:55,833
Yeah, I need to.
82
00:02:55,933 --> 00:02:58,600
It's like, I need to curate
my space and, it's like,
83
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,833
a vision board, you--
You know what I mean?
84
00:03:00,933 --> 00:03:04,533
Because it's like,
I put my stuff in it.
85
00:03:04,633 --> 00:03:05,933
That's why
I have to do it.
86
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:06,933
Exactly, you know?
87
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,467
It's so boring not to decorate.
88
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,433
I just want to get in here,
Axe my body
89
00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:11,467
from head to toe and then...
90
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:12,667
Zen out.
Zen out.
91
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:13,867
Jinx!
(delayed)
Jinx!
92
00:03:13,967 --> 00:03:15,367
I was gonna say jinx.
93
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:16,633
Oh.
We're buds.
94
00:03:16,733 --> 00:03:19,767
Zen out jinx!
95
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,233
Oh, Abbi.
I love you.
96
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:23,467
I-- I love you...
97
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:24,567
You do?
...Too, yeah.
98
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:27,533
You're my
little cupcake.
99
00:03:27,633 --> 00:03:28,833
My supplements.
100
00:03:28,933 --> 00:03:30,267
All hands on deck.
101
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:35,900
Ab.
102
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,933
You know, there's a private
changing room around the corner,
103
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:38,967
if you'd
be more comfortable.
104
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:40,833
No, I'm totally at ease.
105
00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:42,867
Cool.
106
00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:44,633
Where is it?
It's just by the shower.
107
00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:46,300
I might check it out,
just to, like, see what--
108
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,600
Spacially...
109
00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:51,433
Yeah, sorry.
110
00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:53,667
Fixed it.
111
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,400
Nic, fierce shoulder pads.
Date night?
112
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:57,933
No, the investor's coming.
113
00:03:58,067 --> 00:03:59,833
Todd just told you.
114
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,800
Woof, baby brain.
115
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:02,800
Are you pregnant?
116
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:03,800
No, are you?
117
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,400
No.
118
00:04:07,633 --> 00:04:09,433
* Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre *
119
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:11,667
* Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre *
120
00:04:11,767 --> 00:04:13,300
* Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre *
121
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,567
* Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre *
122
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,500
* Su lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre *
123
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,067
* Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre **
124
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:23,067
Fuh-law-less bish!
125
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:26,067
Ilana, this is our investor,
Elizabeth Carlton.
126
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,967
That is the
freshest blazer.
127
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,067
Ilana.
Pleasure to--
128
00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:32,467
Hi.
This is Ilana Wexler
129
00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:33,600
and Nicole Klorn.
130
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,400
They're two of our
New York saleswomen.
131
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,400
Salespeople,
I'm sorry.
132
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,067
Hello, Mrs. Carlton.
133
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,733
Miss Carlton.
134
00:04:40,833 --> 00:04:42,833
Yes!
But you can
call me Elizabeth.
135
00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:45,367
This will foster
a sense of equality.
136
00:04:45,467 --> 00:04:46,467
And you can call me Ilana.
137
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:49,400
This will foster
a sense of, um...
138
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,533
You knowing my name.
139
00:04:52,733 --> 00:04:54,067
TJ Maxx.
140
00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,533
70% off.
141
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:57,967
Maxxinista!
Ay, Chihuahua!
142
00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,767
I don't know if I want
to be her or be in here.
143
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,733
Ooh, I just got a chill.
144
00:05:02,833 --> 00:05:06,900
Can you rub my back,
real fast and hard?
145
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:08,433
Real fast and hard.
146
00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:10,367
(trainers, chanting)
Soulstice games!
Soulstice games day!
147
00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:12,067
Soulstice games!
It's the Soulstice games day!
148
00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:13,067
Woo!
149
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:14,067
That's today?
150
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:16,467
Oh, yeah, your first
Soulstice games.
151
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,667
Wow. I remember my first time.
152
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:21,733
I was 23 and I had just found
out I was allergic to cashews.
153
00:05:21,833 --> 00:05:22,900
Cool, uh--
154
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,567
I don't think that
I should participate.
155
00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:25,767
Oh, no, you'll be great,
you'll fit right in.
156
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:26,833
No, um...
157
00:05:26,933 --> 00:05:27,967
I get--
158
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:31,400
I get a little intense
about competition.
159
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,567
In high school, people used to
call me Tonya Harding.
160
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,867
Don't worry about it.
It's not about who wins
161
00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,700
and loses, you know?
It's just about team building.
162
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,333
There's no "I"
in "Soulstice."
163
00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:39,967
But there's--
Well, yes, there is, yes.
164
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:41,367
I've actually been trying
to get them to change it
165
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,467
to a "Y"
for a long time.
166
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:45,133
Anyway, you're gonna have fun.
Plus, it's mandatory.
167
00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:47,500
All right, weigh-in starts
in ten, you guys,
168
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:48,900
so you still got time
to shave your pubes
169
00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:51,567
if you need to lose
that last L-B.
170
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:53,933
There's where the (bleep)
pubes come from.
171
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:02,200
It's a crowded market
out there.
172
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,733
Groupon, LifeBooker, Yippit,
173
00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:06,467
JewDeal, GroupSwoop.
174
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,900
What makes Deals, Deals, Deals
different, hmm?
175
00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:12,400
Exactly.
Nothing.
176
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,267
We have to rise above
the fray.
177
00:06:14,367 --> 00:06:15,667
Reach out
to new customers.
178
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,567
Now, who's in charge
of social media?
179
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:20,500
Our company hasn't
tweeted in six days.
180
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,200
What's worse,
it's just a link.
181
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:23,500
No voice,
no copy.
182
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,833
Who's gonna click on it,
let alone share it?
183
00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:27,067
What do you click on?
(whispering) I'm sorry.
184
00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:30,267
What's viral to you?
You, Maxxinista.
185
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:32,167
What would I click on?
186
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,333
Well, I love me
some Salad Fingers.
187
00:06:34,433 --> 00:06:35,467
Explain.
188
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:38,067
It's this guy with romaine
lettuce for fingers,
189
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:39,433
and he rubs up
all on this spoon like...
190
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,567
(imitating squeaking sound)
191
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,733
Salad fingers.
192
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:44,833
It's, uh, early Randomcore.
193
00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:47,433
I mean, everything on eBaum's
World.
194
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,467
"End of Ze World"?
No?
195
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:51,600
The Aicha kid?
That white kid, skinny,
196
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,333
crispy gelled hair
and he does the whole
197
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:54,967
choreographed dance
with the bean bag?
198
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:56,600
* Aicha
Aicha *
199
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,567
* Passin' me by *
No?
200
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:02,500
Dudes, what grade are--
How old are you guys?
201
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,533
(answering at same time)
202
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,133
35 in May.
203
00:07:05,233 --> 00:07:08,567
Woof.
I have no idea
what you're saying.
204
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,633
And I love it.
205
00:07:10,733 --> 00:07:12,067
What do you do here?
206
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:15,633
Total transparency, I spent most
of the day coloring in my tummy.
207
00:07:15,733 --> 00:07:17,633
Todd, you are clearly
underutilizing someone
208
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:19,800
who's got their Salad Fingers...
209
00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:21,233
on the pulse.
210
00:07:21,333 --> 00:07:23,667
Maxxinista, you're running our
Twitter account.
211
00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:26,367
And you are gonna get this
company some attention.
212
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:29,400
Miss Hot Lady,
you got it!
213
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,367
You got this,
you're cool.
214
00:07:36,467 --> 00:07:38,133
Be cool.
Just be (bleep) cool, man.
215
00:07:38,233 --> 00:07:39,800
(Trey)
All right, guys, five minutes
'til we start.
216
00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,233
Keep those muscles warm,
all right?
217
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:43,567
Love you guys.
218
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,233
You think you're doing a V-snap?
219
00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,733
Well, I'll lap your V-snap.
220
00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:51,533
Master your V-snap.
(cell phone vibrating)
221
00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:53,300
God...
222
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,500
What?
I mean...
223
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,133
Hey, dude,
how are you?
224
00:07:57,233 --> 00:07:59,700
Is it okay if I tweet one of
your "before" wax pics?
225
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:00,767
Which one?
226
00:08:00,867 --> 00:08:01,767
Neck?
227
00:08:01,867 --> 00:08:03,533
Fine, just--
just blur my face, okay?
228
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,367
Listen, I gotta go.
(Trey)
Four-minute warning.
229
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:06,367
(Ilana)
Where are you
right now?
230
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:07,467
Are you at
a day nightclub?
231
00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:08,867
No, I'm--
I'm just hanging loose.
232
00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:09,933
Just running errands.
233
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:12,233
How dare you
lie to your wife?
234
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:14,167
I hear your teeth grinding
through the phone.
235
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:16,233
You're at a competitive
event, aren't you?
236
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:18,233
Let's just hold on
and just listen to me.
237
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:20,133
I need you to just hear me out
and just listen to me,
238
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,767
because--
Ab-bi! August 4th.
239
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:25,433
2002. Camp Kweebec.
Red Rover.
240
00:08:25,533 --> 00:08:26,600
I remember, Ilana.
241
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:27,833
I remember the whole thing.
242
00:08:27,933 --> 00:08:30,233
I remember everyone being so
(bleep) jealous,
243
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,467
'cause I beat them
so (bleep) hard.
244
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,733
All right, I'm coming there
as soon as I can.
245
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:34,733
Where are you?
246
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:36,500
Fine, you better
(bleep) come!
247
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,833
I'm at the park where
that dude sold my other sandal.
248
00:08:38,933 --> 00:08:39,833
Jesus.
249
00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:40,933
God!
250
00:08:43,733 --> 00:08:45,567
Good energy right there.
All right?
251
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,500
* I shit
252
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:52,667
* I shit
253
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:54,200
* I shit
254
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,500
So, so many good options
for lunch.
255
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,133
I actually spearheaded
the menu binder project.
256
00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:00,233
I'm on a cleanse.
257
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:01,867
Speaking of which, excuse me.
258
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,200
(whispering)
Ilana!
259
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:06,300
Bathroom!
260
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:08,733
Do something!
261
00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:12,767
* I shit
262
00:09:12,867 --> 00:09:13,933
* I shit
263
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,333
* I shit *
264
00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:17,467
(Todd)
Sorry, uh,
sorry about that.
265
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,600
I-- I just wanted to show
you the bathroom,
266
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:21,600
myself, personally.
267
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,267
Thanks, I'm familiar.
268
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,767
Also, if you need sanitary
napkins or similar products,
269
00:09:25,867 --> 00:09:26,867
we give those
away free here.
270
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,900
I-- I understand.
271
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:32,467
M-My mom spotted
well into her 60s.
272
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:33,600
Thanks, Todd.
273
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,533
(toilet flushing)
274
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,867
(Elizabeth)
* I shit
275
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:46,267
* I shit
276
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:47,500
* I shit *
277
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:49,567
Come on!
278
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,767
Come on, Trey,
let's do this!
279
00:09:51,867 --> 00:09:52,767
Let's go!
280
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:54,367
(whistle blowing)
281
00:09:54,467 --> 00:09:55,367
Wow!
282
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:56,667
Wow, wow!
283
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,833
Nice, good game.
There are no losers!
284
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:02,867
(wincing)
285
00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:06,600
Slow down, Abbi!
286
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:08,400
Speed up, Claz, come on!
287
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,267
(whistle blowing)
288
00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:11,800
Red team wins!
Yay!
289
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:12,800
You kidding me
right now?
290
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:14,933
We had that.
That is a bullshit call.
291
00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:16,233
See you in the (bleep)
parking lot.
292
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,233
Everything okay?
This is how we play.
293
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:19,500
We know each other
and we go way back.
294
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,733
All right?
295
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:22,767
(Trey)
Okay.
296
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:23,967
Next event, right?
297
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:25,333
(whistle blowing)
298
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:26,533
Come on, Claz,
come on!
299
00:10:26,633 --> 00:10:29,200
(man)
Pull it!
C'mon, Claz, come on!
300
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,767
(whistle blowing)
(Abbi cheering)
301
00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:31,833
Yeah!
302
00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:32,933
Oh, yeah!
303
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:33,933
Oh, yeah!
304
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,333
Oh, yeah!
305
00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:38,867
Red team, you guys come and eat
my ass one at a (bleep) time.
306
00:10:38,967 --> 00:10:40,900
Unh! Line up, come on.
I'm selling tickets.
307
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,967
What-- What's
going on?
308
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:45,167
No-- I'm--
309
00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:46,700
I was kidding, I was totally
kidding around.
310
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,300
You guys were great.
311
00:10:49,933 --> 00:10:50,933
* I bike
312
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,367
* I bike
313
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:55,167
* I bike
Yeah
314
00:10:55,267 --> 00:10:56,933
* I lock
315
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,433
* I lock *
316
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,500
Oh, my God.
317
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:03,767
Yes.
318
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:05,700
"Soloplay, bb's...
319
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,467
50% off vibrators at Vibeland."
320
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,600
(phone alerts)
69 notifications?
321
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:12,633
Fist!
322
00:11:13,767 --> 00:11:15,400
* I tweet
323
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,433
* I tweet
324
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:17,733
* I tweet
325
00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:19,067
* I tweet *
326
00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:20,300
(whistle blowing)
327
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,400
Yes!
Yes!
328
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:25,667
What now,
Tomas, huh?
329
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,367
Who's the hot commodity now,
huh?
330
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:28,467
It's me, yes!
331
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,300
Tomas!
Okay.
332
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,367
Yankee Candle store,
vanilla bean.
333
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:33,933
BB&B, right when it opens.
334
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,567
8:00 a.m.,
you and the employees.
335
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:36,767
Oh, man, I love that.
336
00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:38,967
(whispering)
Okay.
337
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:39,967
(sighing)
Oh, (bleep).
338
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,700
(exhaling)
Dude, I feel crazy.
339
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,433
God, I have to half-nelson
you like you're a dog?
340
00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:45,600
You half-nelson dogs?
341
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:46,733
Don't make this
about me.
342
00:11:46,833 --> 00:11:48,233
You are
all-caps Abbi right now.
343
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,100
I need you to be
case sensitive.
344
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,967
Everybody's weirded out.
Okay.
345
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:53,467
I'm just gonna
sit out.
Yeah.
346
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:54,867
I'm just gonna
sit out for the rest.
Chillin'.
347
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,533
Okay, all right.
Thanks, dude, I really
appreciate it.
348
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,867
Just breathe deep.
Okay.
349
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,067
(air horn blaring)
Okay, guys, we're all tied up.
350
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,967
It comes down
to the pugil-stick event.
351
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:03,400
Stef verse Gemma.
352
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,433
Fair fight.
Come on.
353
00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:07,067
No, no, Trey, hold up.
No, no, no.
354
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:08,400
Not today.
355
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,467
Sorry, Stef.
356
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:11,633
This is between
me and you.
357
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:16,933
Thanks so much-- Not!
358
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,867
I am gonna knock your big
swangin' titties
359
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:23,367
into next Tuesday.
Oh, my God, okay,
wait, wait, wait.
360
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:24,767
I want to do one,
I want to do one,
okay, okay, okay.
361
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:26,700
I'm gonna wipe
the floor with you,
362
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,400
but it looks like you already
did that, cleaner!
363
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:34,167
Oh!
No, I'm kidding, you guys,
I'm kidding, come on!
364
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:35,733
I'm Kidding!
365
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,133
(Ilana)
Abbi, no!
366
00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:46,267
(grunting)
367
00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:48,067
Thank God.
Nothing's broken.
368
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:50,433
All right, no need to
press charges, guys, okay?
369
00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:52,200
Finish this now.
370
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:54,267
God, I thought I could
handle it, dude.
371
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,833
But I guess all-caps Abbi
is just still up in me.
372
00:12:56,933 --> 00:12:58,300
(clearing throat)
373
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,467
Oh!
Gemma...
374
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,067
Abbi.
375
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,167
I am so sorry--
376
00:13:02,267 --> 00:13:04,867
Great Soulstice
games today.
Thank you.
377
00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:07,367
You are stronger
than you look.
378
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,133
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
379
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,467
Hey.
Cool shirt.
380
00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:16,533
Can I talk to you
for a sec, Ab?
Yeah, Trey, listen,
381
00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:18,567
I can explain
what just happened.
No, no, no.
382
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,533
I was gonna say, this happens
to every new trainer.
383
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,433
You don't have to do
steroids to be cool.
384
00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:24,600
You know?
Okay.
385
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,267
I--
Because you're
already cool.
386
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:29,300
Oh.
387
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,467
But if you are gonna do
steroids, I would suggest
388
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:33,500
starting with a half-dose of
anabolic the first couple weeks.
389
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,067
It does make your balls shrivel,
but in your case,
390
00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:38,500
it's gonna make your boobs
rock hard, which is a bless.
391
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,067
Just a tip.
392
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:41,133
Okay. All right.
Love you, buddy.
393
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,500
Ilana.
Hey.
394
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,600
Too slow.
395
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,333
Good to see you, though.
396
00:13:46,433 --> 00:13:48,900
That's funny, dude.
Like, even though I--
397
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:51,533
I hate any form of aggression,
especially yours,
398
00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:53,533
all-caps Abbi fits in
at Soulstice.
399
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,400
We are very upwardly
mobile right now, gotta say,
400
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:56,733
very Jay and Bey.
401
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,967
Speaking of which, I haven't
tweeted in twelve twinutes.
402
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:00,567
What am I gonna
tweet about?
Interesting vocab.
403
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,367
What should I tweet about?
404
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:05,067
Oh, my God.
405
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,400
Of course,
a horse!
406
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:11,067
This tweet will be
my Ms. 'Olland's Opus.
407
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,600
I'm gonna sprint home
right now.
408
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,533
To Queens?
Yeah, you want to race me?
409
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:15,567
I'm not going
to Queens--
410
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,067
Woof...
411
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,467
Deals, Deals, Deals...
412
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,367
(message sent sound)
I'm doing you right.
413
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,533
(morbid crying)
414
00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,067
You okay?
415
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,267
Let's go.
416
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,400
I've never seen
Todd so aggressive.
417
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:41,567
Therapy.
418
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:47,300
Ilana, you're fired.
419
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,300
What? I just got promoted.
420
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:53,333
You tweeted an extremely graphic
bestiality video.
421
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,933
Todd, it's "Mr. Hands."
422
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:57,067
It's a staple of
early digital culture.
423
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,467
Talk about viral.
424
00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:00,067
Google it.
I don't have to!
425
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,467
You tweeted it from
the company Twitter account.
426
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:03,800
It's a PR nightmare.
427
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:07,267
You're welcome.
Now we have a PR nightmare.
428
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,300
It's cool.
429
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,167
It was a guy (bleep)
a horse.
430
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,500
Yeah, and it's a deal
for colonics.
431
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:13,600
It's brilliant!
432
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,200
I was just doing my job
really well.
433
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,733
And if you did
your homework, Todd,
434
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,633
you would know that
the horse was (bleep) the guy.
435
00:15:20,733 --> 00:15:22,567
It's chill!
436
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:25,067
I need you to get your things
and leave the office.
437
00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:26,333
We can work this out.
438
00:15:26,433 --> 00:15:28,400
I have been covering for
you for far too long.
439
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,867
I have put my
blood, sweat...
You make all the other
employees uncomfortable.
440
00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:32,467
and farts into this company.
441
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,700
Uncomfortable does not
begin to describe how you
442
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:35,967
make the others...
I am heading the corporate
morale department.
443
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,367
The amount of money
you cost us in paper alone
444
00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:39,967
makes it worth
letting you go.
I'm hardly making
any commission,
445
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:42,667
which saves
the company money.
Ilana, Ilana, Ilana.
446
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:43,900
I need you to leave.
447
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:44,933
I should stay.
448
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:48,467
I need you to leave.
I should stay.
449
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:51,633
I am strong,
and you are fired.
450
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:54,300
This is just the white man
holding on to
451
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,433
the last nugget of his power.
452
00:15:56,533 --> 00:15:59,633
You white dudes are figuring out
that the jig is (bleep) up!
453
00:15:59,733 --> 00:16:01,767
I'm gonna go talk to Mom!
454
00:16:01,867 --> 00:16:04,700
Oh, you are absolutely fired,
effective immediately.
455
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,467
You're right,
it's time to change.
456
00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:08,667
And I figured it out.
457
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,467
I want to be...
in you.
458
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:13,633
You need to leave.
459
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:14,700
Yeah, I-- ahem--
Yep.
460
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:18,067
This is it, guys.
461
00:16:18,167 --> 00:16:19,133
The last hurrah.
462
00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:20,800
I'm really gonna
miss this place.
463
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,933
I'm gonna miss each of you.
You're like family.
464
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:25,333
I'm gonna miss you
white guy number seven.
465
00:16:25,433 --> 00:16:27,067
You make Jews look good.
466
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,133
You're hot.
467
00:16:28,233 --> 00:16:29,667
Goodbye, white guy
number three.
468
00:16:29,767 --> 00:16:31,600
Love the man bun.
You started the trend.
469
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:32,867
And goodbye, Adult Braces.
470
00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,867
I got those off
seven months ago.
471
00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:36,800
Would you rather I go back to
"Only Black Guy"?
472
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:38,900
Adult Braces is fine.
473
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,067
And you.
474
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,900
We are all proud of you,
new girl.
475
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,367
I hired you.
476
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,067
Mmm.
477
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,067
And you.
478
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,067
Nicoletta, my princess.
479
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:50,367
My diamond.
My Princess Di!
480
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,067
You are the reason I come
to work every other day.
481
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,967
You're the hardest
one to say goodbye to.
482
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,433
Don't cry,
don't cry.
483
00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:57,867
Ow!
484
00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:00,700
Goodbyes are hard, but this
is not goodbye for you and me.
485
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,900
We will be
together again.
486
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,433
I am gonna crack that nut.
487
00:17:04,533 --> 00:17:05,933
I think that's
just about enough.
488
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,467
One last thing.
489
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,900
I'm leaving him here because
I really do believe
490
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:14,133
in corporate morale.
491
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,833
(loud blowing)
492
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:23,800
You're sure?
Yes.
493
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:31,600
(gospel music begins)
494
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:38,867
* Joyful joyful Lord
495
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,867
* We adore thee
496
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:44,633
* God of glory
497
00:17:44,733 --> 00:17:47,133
* Lord of love
498
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:54,700
* Joyful joyful Lord
499
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,533
* We adore thee
500
00:17:56,633 --> 00:18:00,800
* God of glory, Lord of love
501
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:04,667
* Hearts unfold like flowers
before thee *
502
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:08,600
* Hail Thee as the sun above
503
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,067
* By the way
504
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:12,167
* What have you done
for Him lately? *
505
00:18:13,833 --> 00:18:16,433
* Ooh ooh ooh yes
506
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:20,933
* Joyful joyful Lord
we adore thee *
507
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:25,067
* God of glory god of love
508
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:26,700
* Fill us
509
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,533
* Fill us with the light of day
Lord, fill us *
510
00:18:29,633 --> 00:18:30,800
* Fill us
511
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:33,733
* Oh we need you yes we do now
fill us *
512
00:18:33,833 --> 00:18:34,933
* Fill us
513
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:38,067
* With the light of day, Lord
514
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,100
* Fill us
515
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,867
* With the light of day, Lord
516
00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:43,400
* Fill us
517
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,867
* With the light of day, Lord
518
00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,467
* Fill us
519
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:49,967
* With the light of day, Lord
520
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,533
* Fill us
521
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:54,133
* With the light of day, Lord
522
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:55,733
* Fill us
523
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:57,867
* Fill us with
the light of day *
524
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:58,867
(Todd, echoed)
Nicole!
525
00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,633
* Light of day
526
00:19:00,733 --> 00:19:01,867
Nicole!
527
00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:03,567
I need you to absorb
Ilana's deal.
528
00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:07,933
(phone chime)
529
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,267
Day 511...
530
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,600
It ends.
531
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:17,467
I'm free.
532
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:18,533
You know what?
533
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:20,133
I'm gonna unfollow
Deals, Deals, Deals.
534
00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:22,533
Pssh, you should.
Oh, my God
535
00:19:22,633 --> 00:19:23,967
Look what they tweeted.
536
00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:28,067
"We sincerely apologize
for our last tweet.
537
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,200
"It was posted by
a former employee who suffers
538
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,267
from mental health issues."
539
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:33,467
We all do.
540
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,433
"We hope she's getting
the help she needs."
541
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:36,933
I'm with you, so I am.
Okay.
542
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:40,667
"We do not promote bestiality,
but we still promote colonics."
543
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:42,433
The horse was
(bleep) the guy.
544
00:19:42,533 --> 00:19:44,367
It's honestly not that bad.
545
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,800
It's not as bad as if...
546
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,367
a human was
(bleep) the animal.
547
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:54,500
That's all.
That's all.
548
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:59,067
I-- I think everyone
agrees, on that.
549
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,933
Right?
Awesome.
550
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,267
But (bleep) them, dude.
551
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,600
You don't
need them.
That's what I say, I don't.
552
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:05,167
That was the worst
job in the world,
553
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:10,033
don't even worry
about it.
I know, (bleep) them.
554
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,200
Let's just forget
all our flaws,
555
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,433
'cause today
was a total fluke.
556
00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:16,100
Yeah, well, I wish
I could forget, like,
557
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:20,333
my hunger for competition,
but it's like...
558
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:21,500
It's online,
so, like, I can't--
559
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,267
Red Rover's online?
560
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:24,500
Ow, Ilana.
561
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,400
Show me now!
562
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:27,500
(sighing)
563
00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:31,100
Whoa...
564
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,833
Woo!
565
00:20:32,933 --> 00:20:36,400
Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Abbi right over!
566
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:40,267
Ahh!
567
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:43,267
Let go!
Come on, let me through!
568
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,300
Oh, she's biting me!
569
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,333
Abbi, Abbi!
Arms up!
570
00:20:48,433 --> 00:20:50,867
Breathe, breathe...
Shh...
571
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:52,233
(man 2)
Jesus, Abbi.
I'm fine.
572
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:53,300
Are you sure?
I'm fine.
573
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,400
I'm gonna
let you go now.
574
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,867
(man 2) She's going!
She's heading for the woods!
She's a climber!
575
00:20:58,967 --> 00:20:59,867
(woman)
Abbi!
(man 2)
Abbi!
576
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:01,400
(woman)
Come on!
577
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:02,833
(woman 2)
Abbi, you're not
in trouble, okay?
578
00:21:02,933 --> 00:21:06,100
(man 2)
Abbi!
(woman)
Abbi! Where is she?
579
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,133
(screaming)
580
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,333
* Light of day
581
00:21:16,433 --> 00:21:18,700
* Light of day
582
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,400
* Light of day
583
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:23,767
* Light of day
584
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,133
* Light of day *
39863
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