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1
00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:09,867
Oh, I guarantee
I can identify
2
00:00:09,967 --> 00:00:12,067
my own butthole
in a lineup, 100%.
3
00:00:12,167 --> 00:00:14,533
Even if it's just a close-up
lineup of buttholes?
4
00:00:14,633 --> 00:00:16,300
Yeah.
No way, dude, come on.
5
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,867
Completely.
I could identify yours.
6
00:00:17,967 --> 00:00:20,333
Each one has a soul,
an ass soul.
7
00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:21,867
Hey, mamis,
where you going?
8
00:00:21,967 --> 00:00:23,167
A bra store?
9
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,467
I bet you got those big boobies
to feed all your babies.
10
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,300
Excuse me?
11
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,400
You can't talk
to us like that.
12
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:29,867
Yeah, we're your elders.
13
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:31,333
How did he know we were
going to the bra store?
14
00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:33,067
Why don't you come over here
and let me touch 'em.
15
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,433
Jesus.
16
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:37,367
The only way that you're gonna
get to touch these boobs
17
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:39,667
is if they graze
the top of your head
18
00:00:39,767 --> 00:00:43,233
as I'm slam dunking
your skinny ass!
19
00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:45,033
Whoa!
Whoa!
20
00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:46,333
(laughing)
21
00:00:46,433 --> 00:00:49,133
So you wanna ball?
Let's go.
22
00:00:49,233 --> 00:00:51,333
**
23
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,033
Ooh.
24
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:03,967
(gasps)
25
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:13,733
No.
26
00:01:18,567 --> 00:01:19,567
Aah!
27
00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:24,700
Ooh!
(laughing)
28
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,500
Tell your mom you got
schooled by two women.
29
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,133
Aw, yeah, bitches!
30
00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:33,267
And reminder, I'll be by later
to (bleep) the shit out of her.
31
00:01:33,367 --> 00:01:34,267
What?
32
00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:35,433
(laughing)
33
00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:36,800
Oh, what about this, huh?
34
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,367
(grunting)
35
00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:42,067
(shouts)
36
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,200
Oh... kay.
37
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,800
(whimpers)
38
00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,733
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
39
00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:48,800
* Four and three
and two and one-one *
40
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,733
**
41
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,300
Hello?
Good morning, everyone.
42
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,467
We open in five minutes.
43
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,933
This month's churron flavor
is anise,
44
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:04,700
but there is a limit
to three churrons per customer,
45
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,733
so please maintain decorum.
46
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:07,833
Thank you.
47
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:13,100
You know, I'm not even
a huge macaroon girl,
48
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,867
and churros are just, like,
you know, hit or miss for me,
49
00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,100
but the combination of--
50
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,067
Too early.
51
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:23,700
(whispers)
I'm being nice.
52
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:26,533
(sighs)
53
00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:30,233
(inhales deeply)
54
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,267
(exhales)
55
00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:43,733
Okay.
56
00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:46,233
Your total is 28.45.
57
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,067
Here's my co-op card.
58
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,933
(register beeps)
59
00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,233
Ooh. It looks like
60
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,367
you haven't completed
any of your work hours.
61
00:02:53,467 --> 00:02:54,433
Just throw 'em on my tab.
62
00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:55,767
I'm gonna knock 'em
all out at once.
63
00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:58,100
Okay, well, today's actually
the last possible day
64
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,133
you can complete your shifts
for this moon cycle.
65
00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:02,900
Um, I really can't today.
66
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:03,967
Could I speak
to the manager?
67
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,833
I'm sure I could
work something out.
68
00:03:05,933 --> 00:03:08,700
Um... sure.
69
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,067
Just, um...
one second.
70
00:03:11,167 --> 00:03:12,900
Hi.
71
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,600
We have a slight, um, issue.
72
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:17,633
Yeah?
73
00:03:17,733 --> 00:03:21,133
Hi... Lori.
74
00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,533
I haven't worked
any of my hours.
75
00:03:24,633 --> 00:03:27,067
Mm.
And I have a really
76
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,400
intense doctor's appointment
in Long Island.
77
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,300
There's something
more important in Long Island
78
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,600
than organic produce?
79
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,633
For the privilege
of membership,
80
00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:38,600
you just have to work
six hours, you cooperate.
81
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,233
I am feeling this.
82
00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,133
But it just also happens to be
83
00:03:42,233 --> 00:03:46,600
the very last day
I can have this... procedure.
84
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,600
Well, either you complete
your shifts today
85
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:51,900
or you're banished
from the co-op
86
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:53,700
for the rest of your
body's life.
87
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,600
(chuckling)
88
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,067
Your choice.
89
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,800
**
90
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,300
Ha ha!
There she is.
91
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,500
Ugh, gorgeous, come on.
92
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:07,667
Wow, how 'dat?
93
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:09,067
So worth it.
Ooh.
94
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:10,733
Ugh, love your leggings.
95
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,333
And your legs.
And your butt.
96
00:04:12,433 --> 00:04:13,733
Thank you so much.
Really cute.
97
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:14,833
You just made my day.
98
00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:16,067
Do you want
one of these churrons?
99
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,067
Sure.
100
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,967
Thanks so much.
Later, line buddy.
101
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:21,467
That was sweet.
102
00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:25,067
It's okay.
103
00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:26,867
I would have eaten that.
Okay, so down to biz.
104
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,333
Business.
105
00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:29,733
You know how I joined that
food co-op a few months ago?
106
00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:31,433
Uh, yeah, your meals
have given me
107
00:04:31,533 --> 00:04:33,067
like the healthiest
shits of my life.
108
00:04:33,133 --> 00:04:35,333
It's like, dump out,
flawless,
109
00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:37,267
dump out, flawless.
110
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:40,233
So, I haven't worked
any hours yet,
111
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:41,867
and I need to do them today.
112
00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,067
Obviously,
I would do them, but--
113
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,067
You're going to the doctor.
114
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:45,333
Oh, wowee, yeah,
whoa, whoa--
115
00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:46,500
Dude, I just said
you're going to the doctor.
116
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,533
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
117
00:04:47,633 --> 00:04:48,767
No, I can't think about it.
118
00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:49,800
Lifestyle.
119
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,067
Oh! Almost forgot.
120
00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:54,067
Oh, yes, Gaga.
Yes.
121
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,367
Oh, my God.
122
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,700
So obviously, the three of us
can't lose my membership,
123
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,067
so I need you
to cover my shift.
124
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,067
I can cover for you.
125
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,633
But here da damn 'tang.
126
00:05:03,733 --> 00:05:06,933
Not for me.
As me.
127
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:08,400
Co-op members
cannot share shifts,
128
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,300
so technically
you need to be me.
129
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,533
How's that gonna work?
130
00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:14,700
Well, no one
knows me there yet.
131
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,133
I... haven't worked
any of my hours.
132
00:05:18,233 --> 00:05:19,567
But I need you to make
the right first impression
133
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:20,567
so that when I do work,
134
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,900
no one will know
the difference.
135
00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:24,400
You know what, I would love
to live a day in your shoes.
136
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,500
That sounds really fun
and very easy.
137
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,733
(chuckling)
138
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:30,933
Not literally in my shoes,
'cause I'm a size five and--
139
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:31,967
Yeah, I understand.
140
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,067
Woo!
Okay.
141
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,067
I'm gonna just end it there.
142
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,233
Squished 11!
143
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:39,633
More, more.
More, more, more!
144
00:05:39,733 --> 00:05:41,067
(inhales deeply)
145
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:55,467
(breathes heavily)
146
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:56,500
Yas, queen.
147
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,500
Yas, queen.
148
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:58,833
Yas, queen!
Yas, queen!
149
00:05:58,933 --> 00:05:59,867
Again!
Ow!
150
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:00,967
Yas, queen!
151
00:06:01,067 --> 00:06:02,533
Yas, queen.
I smell a duke!
152
00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:04,433
Smell-- smell a duke!
153
00:06:04,533 --> 00:06:05,633
Nice pussy boot!
Nice pussy boot!
154
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,867
(high pitch)
I love you, Abbi!
155
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,633
(high pitch)
I love you, Abbi!
156
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,633
Do it!
157
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,700
There you go,
you're getting it!
158
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,867
There you go,
you're getting it!
159
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,300
Aww, what up, my babies!
160
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,300
(lisping)
Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!
161
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,100
Rape culture sucks!
162
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,700
Recognize!
163
00:06:35,233 --> 00:06:37,433
Lincoln, hey, woo!
164
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,233
(imitating fanfare)
165
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,067
My Lincoln Towncar.
166
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,467
But this is a--
a Prius, right?
167
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,433
Yeah, but I call it that
because my name is Lincoln.
168
00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:48,767
And I'm gonna drive
around town in my car.
169
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,400
(forcefully laughing)
170
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,300
You okay?
171
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,067
Sorry.
I'm so (bleep) nervous.
172
00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:00,067
Me too.
You are?
173
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:01,067
About something else.
174
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,833
I brought you
some comfort food.
175
00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:04,067
Turkey jerky.
176
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,867
Organic fruit leather
and some Tuscan nut mix.
177
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:08,333
(sighs)
178
00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:09,767
I'm not really
that hungry, though.
179
00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:12,267
I never understand
when people say that,
180
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,067
but I anticipated it.
181
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,267
That's why I had
Jaimé make you a...
182
00:07:16,367 --> 00:07:17,367
...ginger blunt man!
183
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:19,400
Oh, my God!
184
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,833
With real honey!
185
00:07:20,933 --> 00:07:22,600
While I thought
an extraordinary blunt
186
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,267
would probably do the trick,
187
00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,167
I knew I had to take it
to the next level.
188
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:30,767
Aww. That almost makes me
feel kind of okay.
189
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,233
**
190
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:36,567
(chuckling)
191
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:37,767
Okay, Ilana Wexler?
192
00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:40,767
Uh... kyuh.
Great.
193
00:07:40,867 --> 00:07:43,800
Somebody groomed their
dreadlocks in the bathroom.
194
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:49,567
You can get started by
cleaning those hair stumps.
195
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,300
(chuckles)
196
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,167
You know what, Martha?
197
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,333
It's Kristy.
198
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,833
Exactly.
199
00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,833
I feel like you really get me.
200
00:07:57,933 --> 00:07:59,633
And you know why?
Because you're a "kween".
201
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:02,100
And you know who else
is a kween?
202
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,333
She's a kween.
203
00:08:03,433 --> 00:08:06,700
And we queens, we cannot be
in the back of the bus,
204
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,067
cleaning up
white dude's dreadlocks.
205
00:08:10,133 --> 00:08:11,067
"Ja-feel"?
206
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,500
Do you want another assignment?
207
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:13,733
Yas, yas, yas.
208
00:08:13,833 --> 00:08:15,200
Okay, why don't you
just go help out Craig
209
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,067
with setting up the bulk bins?
210
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,367
Okay, Craig...
211
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:19,800
**
212
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,900
* Only you
213
00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:26,067
* Only you
214
00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:29,800
* Could treat me like you do
215
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,067
* Only she *
216
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,067
Wow.
217
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:41,067
I mean... kyuh.
218
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,400
Since when do you
bite your nails?
219
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,433
I didn't even notice.
220
00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:49,933
I do it when I'm nervous.
221
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,567
You can't be nervous,
you're my rock today.
222
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:53,900
Oh, God.
223
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,233
Ilana, what are you doing?
224
00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:56,600
(car horn honks)
This is dangerous!
225
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,200
Prisons are safe,
but they're not that safe!
226
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,200
I need to be swaddled!
Ahh!
227
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,533
Come on, if you're not
gonna swaddle me,
228
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,100
at least let me drive
and give me road head.
229
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,967
Well, do you want to die
and how does that even work?
230
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,433
Road hand, whatever.
231
00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,167
Just quit the pillow talk
and get me off!
232
00:09:08,267 --> 00:09:09,500
I'm driving!
233
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,767
All I'm saying is that we are
on the fast track to, like,
234
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:15,300
caramel and queerdom.
235
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,700
Huh?
236
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,767
Sexuality is on a spectrum.
237
00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:21,200
It's like, we are
just dancers in the dark,
238
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:22,467
we're just shards.
239
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:24,667
"Shweet" ink.
240
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:27,300
"Shweet" ink, brah!
241
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:29,667
Sweet tat.
242
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,767
Thanks, it's inspired
by a Bukowski poem.
243
00:09:31,867 --> 00:09:32,767
I actually drew it.
244
00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,867
You drew this?
Yeah.
245
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,533
I'm an artist.
246
00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:38,633
I mean, not that I pay
the bills with it.
247
00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:40,700
That is amazing, me--
248
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,467
Me-- me friend
is an artist that does not
249
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:45,833
pay the bills with it, either.
250
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,167
Hmm.
So I get that.
251
00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:49,067
Uh, her name is Abbi.
252
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:50,600
Oh, cool, what's she make?
253
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:52,667
Well, she's actually
mostly an illustrator.
254
00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:54,467
I can actually show you.
255
00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:56,133
She sends it to me.
256
00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:59,067
She has this new series
called "Where Are They Now?"
257
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,967
And it's, like, popular toys
and stuff from the '90s
258
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,667
doing, like, office jobs.
259
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:05,800
They're hilarious.
I love it.
260
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,000
Really?
Yeah.
261
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,167
(scoffs)
Yeah.
262
00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:09,600
I mean, I knew you would.
263
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:11,433
'Cause Abbi's kind of like
this undiscovered genius
264
00:10:11,533 --> 00:10:12,467
with an ass of an angel.
265
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:13,533
Yeah.
266
00:10:14,867 --> 00:10:16,300
(chuckling)
Martha!
267
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,733
It's Kristy.
And that wasn't funny.
268
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,633
Respect the produce, dude.
269
00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:25,667
So anyway, where did Abbi
go to art school?
270
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:28,133
Um...
271
00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:31,467
**
272
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,867
(snorting)
273
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,100
What are you doing?
274
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,533
Smelling Abbi.
275
00:10:37,633 --> 00:10:39,667
Thank you so much,
sweet Lincoln.
276
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,567
Thank you for calming me today.
277
00:10:41,667 --> 00:10:44,033
You challenged me to grow
and be a big girl.
278
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,067
Ilana Wexler?
279
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,333
(inhales deeply)
280
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,333
No, no, no, no, no!
Ilana.
281
00:10:48,433 --> 00:10:50,033
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Ilana. Ilana!
282
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,533
Please stop, please stop,
please stop, please stop!
283
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:52,867
You have to have
all three shots
284
00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:55,000
for the HPV vaccine
to even work.
285
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,067
I love my HPV.
286
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,300
I heard your parents
are getting a divorce.
287
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,333
What?
Oh, (bleep)!
288
00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:01,167
That's what I say
to distract all the kids...
289
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,467
(bleep) shit!
when they're getting their shot.
290
00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:03,900
That's what they say
back to me.
291
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,633
So, um, you're all done.
292
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:07,900
Red.
293
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,133
(whispers)
Oh, God.
294
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,167
Thank you.
295
00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:11,300
Oh, one more thing.
296
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,467
Can you turn over, please?
297
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:15,667
I'm just kidding.
298
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:17,100
So gullible.
Ugh.
299
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,733
Oh, please, thank your mom
for that Coach bag she got me.
300
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,800
I cannot tell you how many
compliments I get on it.
301
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,467
She really knows
how to pick 'em.
302
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:28,467
Doesn't it look so real?
303
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:29,667
You're kidding.
304
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:30,867
Mm-hmm.
305
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:34,633
And a'nudder tang...
306
00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:37,567
Abbi's just incredibly
bold and dynamic.
307
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:41,067
One summer, she traveled across
the country following Phish,
308
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:42,333
selling mushroom chocolates.
309
00:11:42,433 --> 00:11:44,167
No way,
I was a Phish head.
310
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:45,700
Me too.
Me too.
311
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,800
Set the gear shift
to the high gear of your soul.
312
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,533
Run like an antelope
outta control.
313
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,867
Yeah, yeah!
314
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,667
Are you a Phish head, too?
315
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,167
No. Not me.
Uh, Abbi is.
316
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:58,333
I just know the one lyric.
317
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,433
(spits)
318
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:01,467
(sighs)
319
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:04,933
(nails biting)
320
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,133
You still seem stressed.
321
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,233
You want to blow off
some steam?
322
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,767
You know,
I'm technically Abbi today,
323
00:12:10,867 --> 00:12:14,533
so if we hook up,
it's... kind of a threesome.
324
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,200
To be honest,
325
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,767
I've been working up
the courage
326
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:20,467
to tell you something all day.
(gasps)
327
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:22,133
This is hard.
328
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,167
I hooked up with someone else.
329
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,400
(exhales deeply)
330
00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:37,133
Not bad.
Not bad.
331
00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:39,933
I know we just met, so...
332
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:42,067
I hope this doesn't
seem too forward,
333
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:46,200
but I was wondering
what you think about maybe...
334
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,133
setting me up with Abbi.
335
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:51,100
She seems really,
really cool.
336
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,633
I would love to go out.
337
00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:56,633
Wait, uh, I was talking
about your friend.
338
00:12:56,733 --> 00:13:00,367
No, I know,
it's like, "mmmdoy"!
339
00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:01,567
You two are gonna be,
like, so hot,
340
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,367
you're gonna be like,
"Uhh, uhh, uhh!"
341
00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:06,233
Both get, like,
super wet, downtown!
342
00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:07,333
Down twat!
343
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:09,233
Vape life!
344
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:10,533
Uh...
345
00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:14,833
(grunting)
346
00:13:14,933 --> 00:13:16,300
Yeah, yeah!
347
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:27,667
(Steve Urkel impression)
Did I do that?
348
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:29,167
(bleep)!
349
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:30,867
Ugh!
350
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:34,167
So you're telling me
she jerked you off
351
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,233
for eight minutes
with what kind of oil?
352
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:37,333
Almond.
353
00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:38,867
Oh!
354
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:41,667
(sighs)
355
00:13:41,767 --> 00:13:43,333
Ugh!
356
00:13:43,433 --> 00:13:47,067
Then you had sex doggy style,
and who finished first?
357
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,900
I don't--
Tell me!
358
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:49,967
She did?
359
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,300
Oh!
360
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,867
(grunts)
361
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,333
(straining)
362
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,867
And then you spooned
watching YouTube videos
363
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:03,933
of news anchor fails.
364
00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:05,900
Who was which spoon?
365
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,300
I was the little spoon!
366
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:17,667
That is so (bleep) hot!
367
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:21,200
* Huc-a-dangle,
woo-hoo! *
368
00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:25,833
Couldn't read that
reaction for a while.
369
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,067
Thank you so much
for telling me that, woo!
370
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,767
We are a modern day
Will and Jada.
371
00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,167
We are open sex friends.
372
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,467
We are poly, we are bi.
I'm not bi.
373
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,700
You're right,
how do I know
374
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,867
if I haven't truly
tested my boundaries?
375
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:42,067
Honestly, I've never
felt closer to you.
376
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:43,500
You are a damn king.
377
00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:47,433
What if we tricked her
into having a threesome?
378
00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:52,267
People really shouldn't trick
other people into having sex.
379
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,067
Whoa.
380
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,333
I've heard
so many women say that,
381
00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:59,133
but when you say it,
I really hear it.
382
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,833
All right, penis kiss.
383
00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:04,067
(car horn honking)
(kissing sounds)
384
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,933
Okay.
385
00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:11,233
**
386
00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:13,500
So, wait.
All porn is kiddie porn?
387
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,167
Basically,
all entertainment is porn.
388
00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,333
It's like, everywhere.
389
00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:17,467
It's like, soon,
they're gonna be, like,
390
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,400
screening on the inside
of our eyes.
391
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:20,633
(Ilana)
Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.
392
00:15:20,733 --> 00:15:22,833
(chuckling)
What?
393
00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:24,967
Lincoln hooked up
with another girl.
394
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,100
She started by jerking
him off with almond oil.
395
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,667
She went slow
but really tight squeeze--
396
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:29,667
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
397
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,133
Dude, you gotta go.
398
00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:33,167
I've been hitting it off with
this guy and it's complicated.
399
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:36,433
Oh, hey.
400
00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:37,767
Is this your friend Abbi?
401
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:41,133
Yeah,
this is my friend, Abbi.
402
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,767
Ab, this is Craig.
403
00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:45,700
A guy.
404
00:15:49,433 --> 00:15:51,433
Hi, I'm Abbi.
405
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,133
I love pugs.
406
00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:57,767
My family comes from
a long line of colonial Jews.
407
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,900
Ilana has told me
so much about you.
408
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,667
It's crazy how much
we have in common.
409
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,067
On the count of three,
your favorite Phish album.
410
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,067
One, two, three.
411
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,667
"Rift"!
412
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:10,067
Sorry.
413
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:11,933
I have to take this.
414
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,867
Hello?
415
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,933
It's my doctor
with the X-rays.
416
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:19,300
What?!
417
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,600
No, I don't need
a labia reduction,
418
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,467
I was just asking about it.
419
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,833
And I'm gonna make a call
to the Better Business Bureau.
420
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,233
(scoffs)
421
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:33,400
Listen, on paper,
Abbi seems perfect.
422
00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:36,167
but she's just not
my type physically.
423
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,933
I like a girl with a butt.
424
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,833
Me! Me, I have... butt.
425
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:43,333
Okay, come here.
426
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,400
(sighs)
427
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:49,400
I've been
pretending to be Ilana.
428
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,600
I'm really Abbi. Hi.
429
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,367
Wait, what?
430
00:16:54,467 --> 00:16:56,933
All that stuff I said
about Abbi, that's me.
431
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,200
I'm her.
432
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:01,267
Abbi. I'm an artist, okay?
I love Phish.
433
00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:02,967
I wear full-length shirts.
434
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,300
This isn't me.
This is me.
435
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,167
You impersonated someone to
cover a shift at the co-op?
436
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:15,267
Technically, that is...
how I would explain it.
437
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,433
No way.
438
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:18,900
The Abbi I've been
hearing about all day
439
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,400
would never do
something like this.
440
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:22,200
She would,
441
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:25,200
'cause I did,
for my best friend.
442
00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,867
I don't know
what's more disgusting.
443
00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:31,167
The fact that you've
been lying to me all day
444
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,533
or the fact that you tried
to cheat the co-op.
445
00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:36,633
This is a place of trust.
446
00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:39,767
In the words of Phish,
447
00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:42,233
"Deduct the carrots
from your pay,
448
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:46,400
you worthless,
swampy fool."
449
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,233
"Cavern."
I love that song.
450
00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:53,367
Every 46 minutes of it.
451
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:55,667
How slick was that
labia mention, right?
452
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:57,733
Yeah. How slick.
453
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,133
You signed
a billion-year contract
454
00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:09,567
specifically prohibiting
the sharing of shifts.
455
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:10,967
Guess I didn't read
the fine print.
456
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:13,233
There it is, okay.
457
00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:17,533
I'm sorry, but are you...
breastfeeding?
458
00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:20,400
The power of co-op produce
has made me fertile
459
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,567
into my 50s and beyond.
460
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,067
So amazing.
461
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,833
Don't try and butter me up,
I'm a vegan.
462
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,700
No butter.
I just got it.
463
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,500
You two are SPs.
Shitty peoples.
464
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,833
(camera shutter clicks)
465
00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:35,633
You belong on garbage island.
466
00:18:35,733 --> 00:18:37,067
Nobody belongs
on garbage island!
467
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:38,733
(camera shutter clicks)
468
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,500
We as a society are very--
Puh-leeze!
469
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,900
I know your type.
470
00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:45,233
You act and you think like
you're all eco-conscious.
471
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,800
But I see you
with your iced coffees
472
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,800
and your food to go.
473
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:54,200
You are garbage island,
and you are officially
474
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,933
disconnected from
the co-op for life.
475
00:18:58,433 --> 00:19:00,867
Fine. I hear the Bushwick co-op
is better anyway.
476
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,233
(laughing)
477
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:05,400
All the co-ops
are connected.
478
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:08,067
We also have connections
with security at Whole Foods.
479
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,233
(both gasp)
480
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,967
That's right,
you two are going to be eating
481
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:15,633
vending machine food
482
00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:21,633
and bodega veggies for the rest
of your very short lives.
483
00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,400
Now, get the (bleep) out.
484
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,633
Jesus.
485
00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:26,267
You "carniv-whores"!
486
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,633
Go on!
487
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,967
(whispers)
Oh, Robert.
488
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:37,567
(baby stirs)
Oh, latch.
489
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,300
And then he gave her water
for her cranberry pills.
490
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,067
She's prone to UTIs.
491
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,367
But you're not
jealous at all?
492
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:45,600
You know,
if you love something,
493
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,567
you have to let it have
sex with other people.
494
00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:49,267
And then if it
comes back to you, dope,
495
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,767
'cause you also get to
have sex with other people.
496
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:53,800
I never heard that version.
497
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:54,967
I like it.
498
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:57,867
My whole arm hurts.
499
00:19:57,967 --> 00:20:01,533
Don't you already have HPV?
500
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,033
Of course I have HPV.
501
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:07,067
I'd almost be embarrassed
not to have HPV at this point.
502
00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:09,267
Totally.
503
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:11,067
But now, I don't have
the three strains
504
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,067
that can cause cervical cancer.
505
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,600
(chuckling)
506
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:17,233
You know...
507
00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,300
it's okay,
what happened with Craig.
508
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,067
It's like, yeah, we hit it off.
509
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,100
Yeah, he was like,
really (bleep) hot.
510
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,133
Yeah.
511
00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:26,133
Yeah, he seemed
to really like "Abbi."
512
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:27,467
Things just don't work out,
513
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,400
but he was right
about one thing.
514
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:32,800
"Rift" is without a doubt
Phish's best album.
515
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:33,900
Studio album, at least.
516
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,567
Can I tell you something?
517
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:36,900
I don't think I've ever heard
a (bleep) Phish song.
518
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:37,933
What?
519
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,033
And that (bleep)
was with a P-H.
520
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:42,233
Yeah, never.
No.
521
00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:44,367
But, like, I feel like
I get it, like, it's all, like.
522
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,800
* Dollar for your problem boy
523
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,800
* White dirty
having fun in the end *
524
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,167
No.
(imitating bass line)
525
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,467
No, dude.
526
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:56,167
It's not far off though.
527
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,500
(imitating guitar)
(imitating percussion)
528
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:04,267
* She said she don't
wanna go downtown *
529
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:06,500
* She wanna stay on the farm
530
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,533
Yeah!
531
00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,867
**
532
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:27,567
Cool.
35528
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