All language subtitles for Veep - 07x05 - Super Tuesday.720p-1080p.MEMENTO+ION10.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Andrew, how much money did you steal?

Technically, it was you that
stole the money from the fund,

because I signed your
name on some documents.

Oh my God.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?

Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a mayor.

I happen to consult for a number
of very large clients in Asia,

and they were very, very
impressed and delighted

- by your sermon.
- (Selina chuckles)

Ma'am, you wanna see this.

REPORTER: Poll watchers are reporting

that over 48,000 black
voters were turned away.

I think the Chinese just delivered.

Oh, uh, I need an itinerary.

Itineraries are only for people
who work on the campaign.

Wait, I'm fired?

I believe her words were,

"If I need another Washington douche,

I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid."

The latest Super Tuesdays polls are in.

- Oh.
- You're up three in Texas.

- Eight in North Carolina.
- Ooh!

- Up two in Massachusetts.
- Nice!

Then we fly back to Virginia tonight,

pop into Alabama on the way,

and then a quick stop in Oklahoma City

for an hour-and-a-half rally.

That's an hour and 29 minutes too long

in that former Indian
concentration camp.

BEN: Looks like Kemi's got full
protection from the Secret Service.

What kind of affirmative
action bullshit is that?

Here's your speech, ma'am. I
dumbed it down even more.

Good, 'cause the last one
looked like the toilet bowl

after William F. Buckley
ate a thesaurus.

Kemi has been getting
some death threats.

Well, then we should leak
some of my death threats, OK?

I get some, don't I?

- KENT: Oh, yeah.
- GARY: So many.

Here's a couple that came in
while you were on the plane.

"I'm gonna break your fat
arms and strangle you..."

Wait. I don't have fat arms.

That's just criminally
insane... And regular insane.

- Pick another one. A plausible one.
- GARY: Yeah.

LEON: "Someone should put a bullet
in your shriveled old face."

No!

Just make up some death
threats that are nicer.

OK, I'll come up with a dozen.

Wait a minute. Before I go onstage,

where are we now?

- I wanna say the South?
- Uh... Well...

- Gary, go find out where we are.
- GARY: Yeah.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

LEON: Ma'am, there is a
small change to the speech.

We no longer use the Rosa story.

What are you talking about?!

- It kills every time. Tears!
- I know.

Rosa was deported this morning.

They identified her from
details in your speech.

Well, that's impossible,
because I made her up.

Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's
a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee

who has four kids and the
exact same dead-end jobs.

Oh, my God, you conjured her!

Yeah, right out of my
Stephen Glass-hole.

- Oklahoma City!
- REPORTERS: Madam President!

Any comment that a federal
grand jury in New York

is getting ready to indict
your husband, Andrew Meyer?

- He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor

that he's hired a new legal team and
is making a deal with prosecutors?

I can't hear you, so you're
gonna have to repeat that.

You have to repeat it.

That can only mean one thing, ma'am.

Andrew's gonna flip on you.

Goddamnit!

Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in.

'Cause last I heard, you
can't run for office

- and be in prison.
- BEN: Maybe in the House you can.

BEN: Ma'am, this Andrew
thing is everywhere.

Your unfavorables are rising
past "accidental ethnic slur"

- right into "men's room incident."
- Oh, God.

- SELINA: Catherine? OK.
- MARJORIE: Oh. Shh.

This is the face of
clinical depression, ma'am.

With the hair of a mental patient.

Oh, my kingdom for a beret.

Listen, honey,

um, Daddy is in hiding again

and I know he calls you to
borrow money sometimes...

Fight your own battles, Mother, OK?

I'm really struggling right now.

SELINA: OK, you know what,

if anyone should be depressed, it's me,

but I am stable as fuck. (laughs)

Yeah, you are!

Your lawyer's waiting.

Karen!

- Madam President!
- Oh, I'm glad to see you.

- You too.
- Andrew might be cutting a deal,

which would just destroy me.

I have to stop you there, ma'am.

Andrew has hired me as his new attorney.

Oh... Thank God.

So you can talk him out
of this deal, right?

But it's a very good deal. For him.

- Karen...
- (laughs)

you understand that...

when I am elected president again,

I can issue Andrew a full pardon.

- Right?
- I wish you hadn't told me that.

And yet I'm also glad that you did.

I might be able to use it against you.

I wouldn't... unless I have to.

Well, this has been a dry
fuck on a sandy beach.

It's always a pleasure
to see you as well.

Sure. OK, well, listen,

will you tell Andrew that I'm
gonna be in New York on Friday?

So he can just come and
talk to me directly.

I can't advise my client
to do that, but I might.

Ohh... God.

Any luck with the human Mobius strip?

Andrew's cutting a deal.

I could go to jail.

I don't look good in jumpsuits.

I mean, I do, but I don't. Ya know.

- (knock on door)
- What?

Ma'am, we've got incoming.

I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working
on a story about South Carolina

and possible foreign
election interference.

OK, first of all,

call it the Washington
Post like a non-asshole,

and I don't know anything
about foreign interference,

and stop staring at me
like I'm some sort of

teenage runaway that you just strangled.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God. First Andrew,

and now this Washington
Post Chinese thing?

I mean, my God,

this is like having two
different Senators

with their hands up my skirt.

Which actually happened to me once

during a Supreme Court confirmation.

Without going into any legally
incriminating detail, ma'am,

how deep are you?

Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.

Wait, so Quinn is the
in-house Chinese asset?

Yeah.

- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.

What's our play moving forward here?

The Joseph Goebbels playbook.

Accuse the other side of
that which you are guilty.

Steal from the best.

You need to get rid of
that Chinese money, ma'am.

Gary?

Just book me on the friendliest
news show possible.

Copy that. Mike it is.

OK, Gary, you need to spend every
dime in the space-based...

- Faith-based.
- Mm-hmm. On religious shit.

- ASAP.
- I don't know how to do that.

I don't even know how it got there.

Just give it to one of those
gay-converting Baptist colleges

to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus

- fucking a triceratops.
- Wow.

AMY: All right, Congressman Slender Man.

Don't say his name.

Now that Florida has moved its
primary to Super Tuesday,

we are going to stay here and
focus all of our efforts.

No, I told Beth that we
could go to Arkansas

so she could give me a
hand job in a hot spring.

It's my birthday.

Your particular brand of crazy is
polling very high here in Florida,

especially with melanoma-loving
swamp fuckers,

storm-ravaged climate deniers,

and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.

Those are my peeps.

So we are launching

a brand-new fundraising initiative:

Next month, donate $38

for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday.

Thirty-eight dollars?
That's like a shitty gift

that you get from your
asshole grandmother.

If Selina Meyer did this,

she'd get, like, a thousand dollars

because she's, like, a
thousand years old.

Selina would kill to be 38.

She's been lying about
her age for years.

- Whatever. I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.

Holy shit, Bruckheimer,
when you get an abortion,

you're supposed to leave the
mangled fetus at the clinic,

not staple it to the
skeleton of a gay condor

and run it for president.

- Well, hello, darlin'.
- Hi.

What Saudi prince's rape dungeon

did you finger-trowel your way out of?

- Uh... Jonah's rape dungeon?
- Oh ho! In your face!

All right, anyway, I have the
pleasure of informing you,

Congressman Slender Man...

- Mm-mm.
- AMY: Nope, beat you to it.

Oh, shit. All right.

Our government has assigned you

your very own Secret Service detail.

- Whoa, what?
- Special Agent Youngblood!

Youngblood? Oh, that's my
favorite Rob Lowe movie.

Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.

Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror.

- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.

Chances are you're still
likely to get assassinated,

but the killer, may God guide his hand,

will just have to work a little harder.

Hey, can I get some of that body armor?

Sincerest congratulations on
all your life choices, Amy.

- Thank you. It pays quite well.
- Have a good weepy slide

down the shower wall this
evening. We gotta go.

Will's got a full day ahead of him.
Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.

I was hoping to finally
finish my passion project.

- Which is?
- Rerouting my urethra

to behind my balls so that I have
to sit to pee like a real girl.

- (cackling)
- Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.

- JONAH: Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Ryan.

REPORTER: Mayor Splett, do you
consider yourself a hero?

- (overlapping chatter)
- Sit your hawk asses down!

Not you, Richard.

I'm gonna pick one of you
minimum wage media monkeys

to ask three pre-approved
questions, pre-written by me,

and she's gonna owe me for
the rest of her life.

And yes, I said "she,"
and I don't mean you.

Well, I'd say I got here
not a moment too soon.

- Because President Meyer fired you?
- All right, look, Richard,

we have an incredible opportunity here.

I mean, the entire country
thinks that you're a hero.

Except for the 7-Eleven truthers.

They say that no Jewish people were
working in the store that day,

but there's no Jewish
people in Lurlene, so...

Richard, you need a chief of staff

that has real D.C. experience.

Mister Mayor, the lieutenant governor

still wants to set up a time
for your award ceremony.

Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan,
my new Chief of Staff.

- Sure.
- Ah, Dan, there's no easy way

to say this, but, uh,
given your reputation,

there's no dipping your
quill in the company ink.

- Copy that.
- I mean sex.

- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.

MIKE: I wouldn't be doing
my job, Madam President,

if I didn't ask the question

that's on everybody's mind:

Is that a new hairstyle?

And your ex-husband Andrew
is about to be indicted

in the Southern District of New York.

Which is not a question, actually.

Well, what we really
should be talking about

is Senator Talbot's husband

and the longstanding
accusations against him.

- Oh. Well, let's go with that one.
- GARY: Mm-hmm.

- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.

Wait, Senator Talbot's husband
is cheating on his taxes?

Well, that's what people are saying.

How is nobody looking into this?

I mean, Why isn't the
press covering this?

Are they biased against you?

Well, you said it, not
me, but I also say it.

You know, it's getting so you can't
believe anything the media says

- about anyone's husband!
- MIKE: Yeah!

It's really a treat for
me to come on a show

that's fair and impartial.

- (chuckles) When does this air?
- Well, it's streaming now.

Oh, I see. And what time will that be?

Now, you're going to lead off with a nod

to the anti-vaccination movement.

Yeah, why go to the
doctor and get a shot

for something you don't even have?

Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated

because it causes autism,

and now he just has a
little bit of autism.

Yeah, and when I was a kid,

they said the best case
scenario was I had autism.

- Fuckin' look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.

Don't yell at him, 'cause loud
noises make him flip out.

- Rick, there's a gun in the front row.
- What? Jonah?

- Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
- PA: Ladies and gentlemen...

- You're on!
- Wish me luck, meat shield.

- Jonah Ryan!
- How you doin', Clearwater!

Right. If I could digress
from my prepared remarks...

How would anyone know?

...I want to talk about my opponent,

(mocking tone) President Selina Meyer.

- (all booing)
- Has anybody noticed

that she's been, like,
55 years old forever?

Yeah, I mean, come on,

she is totally lying
about her age, right?

MAN: Kill her!

Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.

I mean, how old are you
really, Selina Meyer, huh?

- CROWD: Yeah!
- When are you from?

When! Are! You! From?!

When are you from? When are you from?

When are you from?

When are you from?

They have an actual crowd there?

What, are they giving away
free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?

Ma'am, this is not a big deal.

Just show 'em your birth certificate.

While we're at it, why don't we show 'em

my estrogen patch prescription

and a Polaroid of my stretch marks?

You mean your wisdom stripes.

I have always been open and transparent

about how old I am.

- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.

- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.

Well, look who cleans up nice.

Can I get a quick fiver, Madam P?

Yeah. Oh, Gary, that reminds me,

I need to switch out my estrogen patch.

Mm. Should I slip in a little
swirl of progesterone for you?

- You can surprise me.
- Yep. Ohh...

- Ma'am, uh, you...
- Yeah.

It's fine. They know everything.

Me so complicit. Me go jail long time.

All right! The Houston Chronicle
is reporting that Kemi voters

have somehow got the idea that
if they vote in the primaries,

they're gonna get an IRS audit.

(laughing)

(Selina chuckles)

Keith, I don't want to
know how you did that.

Well, Facebook'll walk you
through it step by step.

You know what? Maybe it's best
if you don't update us so much.

- But there is just one other matter.
- SELINA: OK.

Dissident poet Deng Dao
has been arrested for...

Well, they'll figure it
out after they shoot him.

What does that have to do with me?

As the woman who freed Tibet,

I'm guessing they'll want you
to support them publicly.

OK, Keith, as much as I hate poetry,

I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, until this Washington
Post thing blows over,

we're gonna keep our wangs out of
your Chinese fuckin' finger trap.

(laughs) Yeah, right.

All right, I'll tell them.

They insist on hearing
bad news right away.

Fine.

Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex,

you might want to ask him about
his business with China.

- What?
- See what he says.

Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese?

I-I don't know. I mean,

he's always had a thing for Asians.

So do I, but if Andrew starts
talking to the grand jury about,

you know, you and China...

This was supposed to be
just a little simple bit

of election-rigging!

- Fuck!
- (door opens, closes)

(low) I have your estrogen
patch, if you'd like.

You wear it. Maybe you'll grow
some hair on your vagina!

Hmm.

MAN: ...March Wheelwright
Medal of Bravery.

Mayor Richard Splett of Lurlene

demonstrated remarkable heroism...

Look at that. I'm telling you, Richard,

this is just the beginning, all right?

Oh... Sidney Purcell.

Of all the mid-priced steakhouse chains

in northeastern Iowa...

Oh, sorry. Mayor Splett,
this is Sidney Purcell.

He represents the very good people

At Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Ah, well, this man
needs no introduction.

Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself.

- Would you care to join us?
- Yeah, I don't mind if I do.

That's a great idea. I'm actually

really glad that I
happened to run into you.

There is a vote coming
up in the state Senate

- regarding pesticide regulations.
- That's right.

And there's an empty seat up there.

Do you know anything about pesticides?

Not as much as I'd like.

That empty seat in the state Senate,

it could be yours.

You know, down at the feed store

they're saying your new
seeds cause cancer.

Well, we've paid for seven studies

that say that it doesn't.

- Seven? Wow.
- Yeah, seven. Lucky sevens.

That's good enough for me.
Can't argue with science.

I'm gonna get some drinks.

You guys stay here, talk,
get to know each other.

You know what I want, right,
Dan? What do you want, Mayor?

I want to read those reports.

I'm sorry, um, you look
so familiar to me.

- Mmm.
- Did, uh, did we...?

(laughing) Oh, no! I'm an OB-GYN.

You brought a woman into my clinic

to have her pregnancy terminated.

Could you be a little more specific?

I'm actually worried she might have

some sort of thyroid issue
because of her eyes.

- Oh! Amy.
- Yeah, Amy.

Reminds me, I gotta Apple
Pay her for my half.

Hey, can I buy ya a drink?

You can buy me half a drink.

Oh.

(Selina laughing)

KEMI (ON TV): This is insane!

My husband has never done an
illegal thing in his life...

In his entire life!

(reporters clamoring)

(laughing)

When women fall apart, they
really fuckin' fall apart!

(laughing)

Did you take the coconut
out of my muesli

- for tomorrow morning?
- No. No.

And you know what you need to do?

You need to use tweezers this time

because I really thought I
could taste your fingers.

I'm sorry.

These, by the way, are
completely hideous.

- Catherine ordered those.
- Oh.

- Ohh. That's too much.
- It is.

- But thank you.
- What?

- Good evening, Lee. Got your message.
- OK, yeah.

Wow, I've been trying to
track you down for days.

Hearing you say that
really takes me back.

Ha!

OK. Out.

Excuse me. I have work to do.

Are you really trying to
cut a fucking deal here?

- Well...
- I mean, my God,

do you understand this could
cost me the presidency, Andrew?

- I had no choice.
- Oh, that's what you said

about Catherine's
freshman year roommate.

She had done a gap year abroad.
She was not a true freshman.

And now...

I'm hearing about you and the Chinese?

That's funny, you're the third person

who's asked me about that this week...

A U.S. attorney, a reporter
from the Washington Post...

Since when are you doing
business with them?

Actually, you. Your name is all over...

I should have really married
that gay guy my mother liked.

A couple years ago, a few Beijing
businessmen approached me,

and they wanted the investment expertise

of the former president's
disbarred ex-husband.

No big deal.

And we cleaned a teeny-tiny bit of money

through the Meyer Fund...
Low nine figures.

And that faith-based
thing was a godsend.

Wait a minute. You know Keith Quinn?

I know him as Luther. We met
in Macao at the shark fights.

Do you want me to take
the raisins out...

- Out!
- Yep. Mmm.

Yes!

If we could find a fall guy...

Gary?

Honestly, I don't think
people are gonna buy

that a guy who calls
vaginas "crinkum-crankums"

is gonna be able to pull off some
sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.

- Come on.
- Well, it, uh...

it would absolutely destroy
Catherine, but, um...

Marjorie?

That's kinda perfect.

Besides: women's prison.

Yeah. Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.

- JONAH: I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Oh, OK.

- I'm not touching you.
- AMY: Thank you for looking into that.

Jonah, we still need a copy
of your birth certificate

and the New Hampshire Vital Records
office cannot find it, so...

Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense,
I was born in Toronto.

Toronto... Canada?

I don't know, just cancel
the press conference.

Absolutely not!

Do you have any idea how crazy

all of this talk about Selina's
age must be making her?

We are turning the screws

on that miserable, poultry-necked hag...

- (squeals)
- Jesus, Amy.

God, is that what a
real orgasm feels like?

Ugh. Do women have those?

That's what I've been telling you.

All right, fine. I'll call my mom.

Thank you.

Oh, and I should probably
call Rick's mom too

just because she's probably still
pretty sore from last night

- when I was all up in that...
- ♪ Puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

♪ In that puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

♪ In that puss-ay ♪

What are you gonna do about it?

- Ohh! Ow!
- (thud)

SELINA: Marjorie? Love to talk to you

for a second about the Meyer Fund.

There's something I'd like to
speak with you about as well.

- Oh, OK. Good.
- It's about Catherine.

I think you know I'm a
very traditional woman,

though I do seek to
topple the patriarchy

by queering hetero-normative tropes.

Are you talking about your outfit?

As I was saying, I love
your daughter very much.

I know that you do,
Marjorie, um, Palmiotti,

and I have to say that

I love the work that you do
on the Meyer Fund very much.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Although I personally

don't know anything about it

because you're the complete
mastermind behind it, right?

I think I can see you
nodding your head "yes"...

Are you recording this
conversation, ma'am?

That is a bizarre thing to say.

Well, the flowers have been moved,

- and... Andrew's phone.
- Um...

I refuse to allow you to implicate me

in your financial misdeeds, ma'am.

They're not misdeeds.

They were exploited opportunities.

- Oh, there's my phone.
- Yeah, she found it.

I'll spare Catherine
this shameful episode.

Despite the fact that you are

two of the most reprehensible
people I have ever met...

- Hang on a second.
- Where did that come from? Seriously.

...by some magical combination
of abuse and neglect

managed to create the perfect daughter.

- Thank you very much.
- And that's why...

I would like to ask both of you
for Catherine's hand in marriage.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- Wow.
- You... You have our blessing.

- You have our blessing. Absolutely.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Can I ask you a question, Marjorie?

- Of course, ma'am.
- Why would you buy that cow?

Oh. When I can get the milk
for free. Very good, ma'am.

- What?
- I'm leaving now. For the record.

It's... I'm not...

Ohh, God.

- Lee?
- Mm?

I honestly never thought
it would come to this,

but I have had a suitcase packed

and ready to go by the door
for the last 20 years.

- What?
- I still have Mee-Maw's boat.

- The Labor Day?
- Mm-hmm.

You told me it sank.

I told you I reported
it sunk to insurance.

And I could take it down
to Cuba, and from there,

you know I've long felt a deep
connection with the land of Israel

and their non-extradition treaty.

You can't just disappear, and I can't
have people thinking I'm Jewish.

We're right in the
middle of the primaries.

It's the best thing for both of us.

The only thing they have on you is me.

Well, that's the most romantic
thing you've ever said to me.

But I'm gonna need some
walkin'-around money.

Here we go. What... I mean,
how far do you have to walk?

Fuck!

I mean, can you give me 24 hours?

Yeah. Yes.

(sighs)

I guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

Well...

good-bye.

Hey, Andrew. What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I should probably
go out the back door.

Yeah.

Your false accusations
are working, ma'am.

Oh. Then they're no longer false.

Basically a two-woman race

to see who is less offensive
to the American people.

That's the best explanation
of democracy I've ever heard.

Also, they found Rosa
Sanchez in El Salvador.

- Who?
- The fake real woman

from your speech?

Just in the nick of time.
She was about to be stoned

by the local child army.

OK, guys, um... last night...

I don't like when people feel they
have to get closer to talk to me.

It usually means I'm gonna be
facing a longer prison sentence.

- I saw Andrew...
- The prosecution rests.

We talked about a trip he might
take out of the country...

I will add tampering to
our list of charges.

But if we were able to give
him a going-away gift,

uh, he might be able to
turn it into a stay-cation.

- And bribery.
- Gary?

Yes, here.

How much is left in that
whole faith-space...

KENT: Faith-based.

I spent it all on Bibles
for the homeless.

You spent millions...

Yes, yes, I did.

...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper.

Mmm. I hope they don't use
the New Testament for that.

I need to speak with Keith Quinn.

- Did I do something wrong?
- Go.

Ma'am, not Keith Quinn.

Yes. What, do you have a better idea?

- Yes, not Keith Quinn.
- No. Go.

- Ma'am, it's time.
- Oh, OK. It's...

(clears throat)

I was an alcoholic,

I was in a relationship
with a blonde, uncaring

bug-eyed rage-aholic.

I used to work with
someone just like that.

Oh, my gosh, folks, our
best friend of the show,

President Selina Meyer, is on
the line calling us today.

SELINA: Hello, Mike? How are you?

MIKE: Great. Hope you got the
invite for the baby shower.

What's going on with this
chair? It's too low.

HINT: We could still use
the changing table,

or bye-bye ping pong.

Oh, that's actually a cute name.

Are you gonna keep that?

- Morning!
- Shh!

I'm calling because I
wanted to talk to you

about Senator Talbot's husband.

I have been hearing from
hardworking American people

from all walks of life

that what he's into is
way beyond tax fraud.

(whispering) I need some help for me
ex from your friends in the East.

Oh, I thought we were putting our
little arrangement on the back burner?

Madam President, Senator Talbot
has just released a statement.

I'm gonna read it so I get it right.

You are simply attacking her family

to distract from your own problems,

- and that you are the one...
- Guess what?

Mike, I have a special announcement.

My daughter Catherine is getting married

to her lady friend Marjorie.

That's amazing! Isn't that great, buddy?

Well, the Bible is
actually very clear...

SELINA: But now I have to run.

It's been such fun talking with you,

and I'm sure we'll connect later.

So... Andrew?

- I'll take care of it.
- OK.

- Any date for the wedding?
- Huh?

- Any date for the wedding?
- Oh, who gives a shit.

RICHARD: This has been a
very difficult decision,

but, no, I will not be
running for state Senate.

There's just so many things
I still want to do for the

good people here in Lurlene,

like my own pet issue, which, as
many of you know, is pet issues.

And I certainly hope I'm
not letting anyone down,

especially my new friend Sidney.

Are you referring to Sidney Purcell,

the Con-Ag-Chem Fam Farm lobbyist?

I'm so sorry. We don't have
any time for more questions.

Actually, Dan, that did
sound like a question.

Yes, Sidney Purcell, super generous guy,

offered me all sorts of great stuff,

like brand-new kitchen appliances

or a brand-new hot tub like
the lieutenant governor has.

We have a schedule to keep...

But I'm not supposed to talk
about that, right, Dan?

Mayor Splett, are you saying

that Con-Ag-Chem made you
an offer to run for office?

No, that's not what he
said. He didn't say that.

- No, no, no, Dan is right.
- DAN: Thank you.

Sidney made the offer. Con-Ag-Chem
is a company, it can't talk.

Hilarious. A talking company.
Where would the mouth even be?

BEN: Ma'am, the press is
out there waiting for you.

Rosa is gonna spend the night
here in Boston. No mini-bar key.

This sit-down's gonna give us a nice
little boost for the Latino vote.

- All right.
- KENT: Hold up.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no
easy way to tell you this.

- Oh.
- Your mother's boat,

the Labor Day,

exploded off the coast of
Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only person aboard.

No, uh-uh. 'Cause he was going to Cuba.

A... lledgedly.

Ma'am, maybe we can just, uh,
cancel this... this Rosa thing.

No!

The Latino vote, Ben.

I'm so sorry.

He was my ex-husband.

(indistinct chatter)

(soft chuckle) Hello.

Oh, wow. Rosa.

Oh, my good friend.

That's not Rosa.

N... Oh? Oh! (laughs)

There she is. (laughs)

- That must be your mother.
- My sister.

Your si... sister. OK.

SELINA: Familia. Rosa...

you have had quite a journey.

They put me on a plane
and sent me to Mexico.

That's a terrible... place.

I did nothing wrong.

No, well, I did nothing wrong.

I'm... I'm just trying to
run for president here.

You don't know how lucky you have
it, really, to tell you the truth.

I mean, the next thing ya
know, everything can change,

it just goes... (imitates
explosion) like that, right?

- ROSA: Mm.
- And... And then...

OK, I think we need
to wrap this up here.

- Oh.
- We got a busy schedule.

I just want to say thank you,

- President Montez.
- Sure, why not.

- ROSA: God bless you.
- Madam President, quick question...

- (indistinct chatter)
- SELINA: I want to be alone.

(breathing heavily)

Mom, I can't believe that you
ruined Marjorie's proposal

all over the internet.

Catherine, I have just gotten some
terrible news about your father,

uh, being lost at sea,

and you are up my ass

about some proposal bullshit?

- For real?
- Too late, Catherine.

Too late.

- (knocking)
- KEITH: Hey, now,

you're not a grilled chicken
Caesar and a Miller Lite.

- I need to talk to you.
- Sure. I'm all ears, milady.

- Was it you?
- Excuse me?

Andrew is blown up.

Did you do that? Did
you fucking do that?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I have no idea what you're
talking about, Madame President,

but you did say to take care of it.

No, I didn't. I said for
you to pay him off.

I distinctly remember you
saying "Take care of it."

OK, sure, but I didn't...
I didn't say it

in a "take care of it" kind of way.

I just said take care of it.

And it was pretty clear. You
said, "Take care of it,"

and then you gave me a look.

Not a "blow him to
kingdom-fucking-come" look!

No, no, no. Listen, your
eyebrows did not move at all.

Because I have had Botox!

I abhor violence of any type.

- Ye... Yes.
- OK? But I have seen

plenty of "blow him up" looks.

Oh, I'm sorry. (crying)

- OK.
- (weeping)

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

Let me get you some... tissues.

- (crying) OK.
- OK? Yeah.

(sobbing)

(gasps)

I'm going back to my room.

KEITH: Oh, OK, OK.

(crying)

It's OK, Catherine.
Catherine, Mommy's here.

- (sobbing)
- Mommy's here.

OK, Mommy has to go.

- Mommy has to go.
- What?

It's all right, Catherine, Mommy's here.

What do you think it says?

I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.

When do the new Kents come out?

Do we have any friends at State?

We have to find someone
who can read Mandarin

but have no idea what it means.

Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.

- Or woman.
- Or woman. Sorry.

Or the adopted child of
someone with brain damage.

AMY: You know what would help sell
this birth certificate presser

is actually finding the
fucking birth certificate!

Yeah, I know! God, Mom!

Don't you have a file
marked "Important Shit"

that has baby teeth in it

and my VHS copy of "Night Eyes
II" starring Shannon Tweed?

Yes, and that's the
first place I looked.

- What's that?
- There it is!

OK, Jonie, we really need to talk.

Mom, we don't have time to talk.

America is waiting for my leadership.

Oh, excuse me, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.

(indistinct chatter)

Agent Youngblood.

You know, I think you're
doin' a great job, sir.

I have repeatedly called

for Selina Meyer to release
her birth certificate,

but as everybody on my elementary
school playground knows,

I am not afraid to show you mine.

In fact, here it is.

This is my birth certificate.

Name: Jonah Joy Ryan.

Weight: six pounds. Length:
twenty-six inches.

Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.

Mother: Nancy Kincannon.

Father...

Excuse me.

(crowd murmuring)

BETH: Jonah.

Now it's your turn, Selina Meyer.

Lloyd is my real dad?

Oh, of course he is.

I tried to tell you a
hundred times, Jonie.

Do you want a snack?

No. I'm not talking to y...

Fine. Mac and cheese.

- NANCY: OK.
- I can't believe this.

And ketchup.

That's why we went to Canada.

We didn't tell anyone because
Lloyd and I are second cousins.

- BETH: Ohh.
- God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.

I could have been born with
something wrong with me.

You know what? I never thought
that this would be a problem,

then the two of you eloped...

so I just decided not
to think about it...

'cause that's the best
solution sometimes.

- Wait, is Lloyd still my dad?
- Yeah, nobody knows.

But you're now officially my stepsister.

Half sister.

I'm sorry, I think I'm
gonna be sick again.

(microwave beeps)

Mac and cheese is ready.

Do you have any apple slices?

Anything you want, honey.

I want Lloyd to not be my dad!

Me too.

MIKE: Ma'am, you said

- you weren't gonna be here.
- Surprise!

Do you want to meet baby
Henry? He's so cute.

Yes, but often, when a child
gets a new baby brother,

they can feel neglected
and... And low self-esteem.

- Catherine, for one.
- Well, yes, exactly.

And she didn't even have
a baby brother. So...

I actually feel the same way,
too, as a dad, sometimes.

So I think I should probably
go and see Ellen right now.

Sure. Does anybody want
to meet baby Henry?

No.

SELINA: Hi, Ellen.

I'm your Auntie Selina,

and this is Uncle Bennie,

- and this is...
- Chief Strategist Kent Davison.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

Honey, can you do me a favor?

You know what, I've got
this piece of paper.

(playful tone) I don't
know what it says.

I think maybe it's in Mandarin.

- Did you bring me a present?
- It's in the car.

Cool. Let's see...

I just talked to my guy
in the Southern District.

They're dropping the investigation
into the Meyer Fund.

- No!
- Without Andrew,

the whole thing just blew up.

(chuckles) Sorry.

Well, what are ya gonna do?

Also, the Post is spiking

its election interference story.

- (all laughing)
- Oh, my God! What?!

Is this what it feels like to be a man?

- Who is Mon-tiz-uh?
- What? Mon-tiz-uh?

- Montez.
- Wait a minute.

Let me... Let me see what you wrote.

"By giving Meyer the nomination,

they can ensure a Montez presidency"?

I want to be president when I grow up.

- You cannot.
- SELINA: Goddamnit!

We can't even commit treason right?!

- What about my present?
- Uh, I'm giving it to your brother.

More than a dozen Iowa government
officials are in hot water.

The lieutenant governor, along
with several state senators,

have all been arrested for accepting
improper campaign contributions

from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Bye-bye, Sidney.

Dan, I'm glad you're here.

Uh, the governor called.

He wants me to resign as mayor,
effective immediately.

What? You didn't do anything wrong!

That's what he said.

He's appointing me the
new lieutenant governor.

(claps) Yes. Richard, that
is what I'm talkin' about.

You see? Stick with me, right?

Oh. Now that we're moving to Des Moines,

Willa is fair game and DTF...
Diverticulitis flare-up.

So if you go out to eat,
she can only have rice.

Good to know. Thank you.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

SELINA: I've got way more
foreign policy experience

than that half-wit Kemi.

I think it's pronounced half-white.

Am I getting my meeting
with President Lu?

Face to face, I can convince
anyone of anything.

- That's not true.
- Incorrect.

- You're both wrong.
- Well you're right.

Hundred-fourteen million wired
from the Seychelles to Malta,

then back to the
Seychelles and then Spain.

(laughs nervously)

That is highly classified.

I'm sorry Selina, you have
left me with no choice.

(mutters softly)

- Ha!
- That was your phone.