Original subtitles

RED FEATHERS: I will always try my best to be honest and fair, to be

helpful and friendly, to be a good citizen, a good neighbor, a good friend,

and a sister to every Wilderness Girl.

Girls, about face.

The first order of business is the

-Beverly Hills troop. -Well, you know, they've never earned any

patches. They've never even sold a single cookie. We all know

they've had more leaders than a banana republic.

-Their membership is down to only eight. -So it's agreed then.

We stop mollycoddling those little princesses and we

-flush that troop down the old proverbial dumper. -Oh, now, Velda,

as long as they are girls who want to belong, it's our job to see that

they're not denied the privilege. Let's give them one last chance. Now

about a new leader, I understand we have an applicant.

-Herman. -Hm? -File, file.

Oh, yes, sir...ma'am.

Name, Phyllis Nefler. Age...it says here "not applicable."

Marital status, "shaky."

Interests, "community affairs."

Dr. Jerry Honigman is definitely boffing the blond and the English tutor.

-Is that the one with the tummy tuck? -And the daughter.

-No. -This one and

this one. Out. I'll take the rest.

Prides herself on being honest, resourceful, and thrifty.

-How much? -5,600. -Y'know, it's missing a bead.

It is?

I could let you have it for 5000.

-I'll take it. -Oh, great.

She loves animals.

I'm gonna kiss you. I'm gonna kiss you,

-frogie and turn you into a handsome prince. -This woman

sounds like she's got Wilderness Girl written all over her. Approved.

-Hi ho! -Oh, hiyo!

Hey, your hat is fabulous Mrs. Nefler.

Nefler. Thank you, so is yours.

-Eh, thanks, ah. -Rosa. Rosa.

Hola.

Oh, keep talking, honey, so I can move toward the sound of

-your voice. -Here I am. Yeah, come...keep... I'm here.

-Uh-huh. -Come, come, I got it. I got it.

I started my new meaningful life today, and I bought a whole new

meaningful wardrobe to go with it. I can hardly wait to see the look on

Freddy's face when he gets the bill. And you know the beauty of it? He

won't even the get the bill until after we're divorced.

Have your fun now, Phyllis, 'cause after the divorce is

final, you're going to be shopping at Pick 'n Save.

What are you doing here?

Before we were separated, you were never around.

You're supposed to be in the guesthouse. Everything north of the lawn jockey

-is mine. -Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Come on, I can come here anytime I want to.

-Oh? -Yeah. It's still my house, you know.

-Oh? -And right now I am gonna go upstairs, I'm

gonna get my barbell, and I'm gonna get the rest of my clothes.

Touch anything in this house, and I'll call my lawyer.

I can touch anything I want. I Paid for it all.

Oh. Oh, now isn't that a mature approach to a

relationship? Freddy, did it ever occur to you that marriage is a

-partnership? -Yeah, that's right.

-Yeah. -I earn the money and my partner, she

-spends it. -Typical, that is so typical. And don't you

mock me while I'm talking to you. You never acknowledge my

contribution to this marriage.

-Your contribution? -Yes! -Oh, Phyllis, if

you contributed anymore to this marriage, we would be on welfare.

-Hello, Hannah. -You remember your father, the big, bad wolf?

-Hi, Peaches. -Hi, Daddy. What are you picking up this

-time? -My dumbbells. -Be my guest.

-The fewer dumbbells in my life, the better. -I've got a great

idea. Why don't you two just kiss and make up? Then I won't end up in

-therapy twice a week like Tessa. -Look, honey,

you're gonna be less neurotic if your parents are happily divorced

-rather than unhappily married. -Thank you, Phil Donahue.

I saw it on Oprah.

Cool it. You're acting so immature.

Mom, a lady called about an

orientation meeting? It's Thursday. You are gonna go through with this,

-aren't you? -Of course, I am. -Go through with what?

Just a little mother-daughter bonding thing.

Mom's going to be our new troop leader.

-Ha-ha! -What's so funny?

Well, I mean, it's hysterical. You don't have any skills. You hate the outdoors.

Besides, you never finished anything you ever started.

-What about the PTA? -You quit!

Well, that was just because it conflicted with Save the Whales.

Uh-huh, then what happened?

Well, I thought Hands Across America was more important.

Well, I rest my case! You'll be lucky if you last a couple of weeks.

I'm going to be a great troop leader. And

-I'll be spending more time with Hannah. -What? And neglect

-Rodeo Drive? -Don't criticize my mothering,

Mr. Workaholic. You're hardly father of the year.

(ROSA CRYING)

Oh, Rosa, will you stop crying?

-Who's getting the divorce here, you or me? -I don't want you

-two to split up. -Oh, see, there, I told you not to mention

divorce in front of Rosa. She's helping me pack.

What's happened to us, Fred?

What's this really about?

Is there another woman?

-Yeah...yeah, there is. A girl I met a long, long time ago.

Bright, caring, loving, funny.

It was you. You had such potential,

such energy. You were so creative. I couldn't wait to see what you'd do with

it. See now I know what you did with it. You went shopping!

Hey, I went shopping, buster, to furnish your perfect

house, to build your perfect image, to be your perfect Beverly Hills

wife! And you think I've changed? How about you, Fred? I coupon-clipped

your way through law school so you could make a difference in the

world, not so you could be Nefler the muffler man!

Hey, those commercials were your idea. And I didn't hear

you complaining when you were spending the muffler man's money. I mean, I

know it's not a really important job, you know, like being a Wilderness Girl.

I don't expect you to understand how

much this means to me or to Hannah or her little friends, who happen to

need me...

Even if you don't. You never give me an ounce of credit for

-anything I do. -That's because you never do anything!

Well, then, I guess I'm going to do something right now.

I'll help you pack.

Marlene, I'm on my way to the

hospital now. I'm stopping to drop Tiffany off at her troop meeting.

I have a nose job at three, a lift at five, and a boob job at seven,

-so you won't be able to reach me. -Daddy? Do I have

-to go this thing? -Oh, Tiff, you'll love it.

-I'll hate it. -What'd you...hold on a second,

-sweetie. I said I'd give you 10 bucks. -It's not worth it.

-20. -No way.

-30. -50. -40, and

-that's my final offer. -I'll suffer through it.

-What do you think? -It looks great.

Is the caviar too much?

Here comes Chica.

Oh, Chica Barnfell, our first arrival! Chica! Hi!

Do you remember me? Phyllis Nefler. We met at your parents' home in Palms

Springs when Fergie was in town? What a lovely child.

Dad, why are we stopping here? The park is a block up.

I'm late for an appointment. That's the actor's life, busy, busy.

You're going to unemployment, right?

Right. Anyway, you have a good time, okay?

Dad, I'm supposed to bring 10 dollars for dues.

Emily, I forgot my wallet. Tell 'em you'll bring it next time, huh?

Okay.

I'll get something soon. My agent says this nostalgia boom is going to make me a big

-star again. -You'll always be a star to me, Daddy.

-I love you. -I love you. Bye.

Good morning. You must be Lily. Oh, good morning, Dictator, Mrs. Dictator.

-Good morning. -Lovely to see you.

Bruce, I looked at the dailies

I want to reshoot the ending. Set it up for today.

Today? 5,000 extras? Redford? 15 helicopters?

-Dad, you can't do it. -Why not, Tessa?

You're 10 million over budget. Redford's on

another project, and you blew up all the helicopters yesterday.

-I did? -Daddy, my therapist would say

-you're definitely blocking reality.

-What was it again, 30? -40. -40.

May I see your license and registration, please?

-What's the problem, officer? -You know how

-fast you were going back there? -Excuse me,

officer, don't you know who this man is?

-Jasmine, honey. -Jasmine, cool it.

You're too modest, Daddy. Look, this here's the man who put

the space in Spinks' teeth, the man who knocked the hair off

haggler's head. He's the best. He's the greatest. He's my dad, James

"The Jackhammer" Shakar. Now, Daddy, shake the man's hand, and let's be on our way.

How do you do, sir? Glad to meet you.

-Could I get your autograph? -Not on that thing, you won't.

He pulled off her Halston gown,

sighed lusciously at the sight of her Fernando Sanchez under things

-and...and what? -And felt his manhood rising to a

-frenzy? -Felt his manhood rising to a

pulsating frenzy. Yeah, that's good. I love it. Now, darling, what am I

gonna tell your producer about you skipping rehearsals today?

-Tell him I'm sick. -Claire.

Come on, Mom. I'm not just a kid on TV. I'm one in real life. I want

-to do something normal for a change, okay? -Normal with

Phyllis running the show? That's highly bloody unlikely.

Welcome. I'm Phyllis Nefler, mother of the lovely Hannah.

-Mother! -And, as you know, your new leader.

Now I know that we're gonna have a fabulous time because I can see

that you're all special, unique fabulous little people just raring to go.

-She'll be just like all the others. -She'll get bored and quit.

I'm new at this, but aren't you supposed

-to be wearing uniforms? ALL: Ohh! -Sick, uniforms are sick.

They blur an individual's sense of self.

Besides, no one stayed around long enough

-to take us to the store. -Well, I may be a beginner at some things,

but I've got a black belt in shopping. Do they only come in khaki?

-Yes. Now what sizes do you need? -Well, I need a

-French 36. -If you want that French stuff, you're

gonna have to go to Frederick's of Hollywood.

Are you sure you're Wilderness Girls?

I'm not selling this shit for no masquerade parties.

-Ahem. How's it look? -I like it.

-Uh, it's great. -It's okay.

-Oh, my god. Oh, my god! -It's not that bad.

Not that bad? Except for the color's wrong, the collar's

wrong, the material's a nightmare from hell. It's cut badly, it itches, and

it's not me. But all of that can be fixed.

Oh, Ree, oh, Ree.

My god, darling. What is that?

I know, it's my Wilderness Girl uniform. What can you do with it?

-You mean, besides burn it? -S'il vous plait?

My name is Velda Plendor. I'm a mother. I'm a widow. I'm an ex-army nurse.

First and foremost, I am a Wilderness Girl, and I have the privilege of

turning you civilians into troop leaders. Now it's not easy. It's not

going to be a picnic. Not all of you are going to make it. Any of you

little Betty Crockers out there think that you're just going to be teaching

some little toddlers how to bake cuppie cakes, then you can leave now.

Oh, perfect. Good. Good, let 'em go. Because when we're looking for new

leaders, we're looking for a real no-nonsense woman.

-Hi. Oh, bye. -A woman who can cope with anything. A

-woman who doesn't make a ruckus... -Oh, I'm sorry.

-Excuse me. -But still can get the job done.

-I'm so sorry. -Our goal is simple, to take young,

vulnerable girls and turn them into strong, self-sufficient, young

women. And to attain that goal, the girls must earn achievement patches, sell

cookies, and attend the annual Jamboree, which is a grueling test.

-Are you drying your nails, or do you have a question? -No, they're fine.

Yes? You know, about the cookies,

I know it's customary in order to raise funds to sell

cookies door-to-door, and that's adorable. But wouldn't it save time,

and a little shoe leather, if we just had a star-studded telethon?

-Huh? -Who are you?

-Johnny could host, or Merv. It'd be fabulous. -Who are you?

-Phyllis Nefler, Troop Beverly Hills. -Oh, shit.

I shoulda known, huh?

Do you know the muffler man, the

muffler man, the muffler man? Do you know the muffler man, Nefler is

his name. Hi, Fred Nefler here for Nefler's Mufflers.

Boy, I'm telling you, we're a hard working crew and look at

the sick little baby we got in here today. Now if your Pento Porsche or

whatever is sick, we don't discriminate here. We'll fix anything, we'll

-fix it right. I'm telling you... -He's a shit, but

he's a cute shit.

Hannah, wake up.

Wake up, honey. There's a woman going into the guesthouse.

Dark hair, long legs, big boobs?

-Stringy hair, skinny legs, silicone boobs, but yes. -Don't worry, Mom,

it's just Lisa, Dad's realtor. She's trying to find him a condo.

At midnight? It must be a real hot listing.

-Mom, can we spy on Dad in the morning? -Spy? Excuse me, spy?

Your father's nocturnal activities are of absolutely no interest to me.

Oh...ow...oh...ah! Shit.

Night, Phyllis.

-She's okay. -That's good. Bye.

-Here. -Oh, good. Ooh.

Watch the arms. Oh, oh.

-Mom? -Yeah.

I think we'll be back before winter. It's only an overnight campout.

In the wilderness of life, we can never be too prepared.

Well, girls, are you ready to rough it?

What are we supposed to do now?

Well, we were supposed to set up the tent and stuff.

Yeah, but the abbey rents person already did that.

This is so boring. Someone should go ask her what we're supposed to do.

Well, let's all go.

-Having fun? -Mrs. Nefler. We're above the fire line, and

you shouldn't be smoking. It's bad for you. And it disguises nervous

conditions which you should deal with in other ways.

Smoky the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires.

Smoky the Bear isn't going through a terribly messy divorce.

And voila, fondue al fresco.

And next, going to make espresso. Oh, no! (THUNDER)

Oh, fabulous. All right, all right, go in the tent. Go in the tent.

I'll save the dessert. This is special.

I'm coming, girls. I've got the fondue.

(WHIPMERING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

All right, all right.

Oh, gosh.

-Oh, look at your jacket. -Oh, no.

-Can we just quit now? -Not until we sing Kumbayya.

Kumbayya, my Lord...

(ALL SINGING KUMBAYYA)

May I speak with Velda Plendor, please?

Oh, well, will you take a message, please? Will you tell her that troop

leader Nefler called? And her recommendation for a campsite was totally

unsuitable. There were no outlets and there was dirt and bugs and it

rains there. So anyway, we found a place that's much more us. And if any

of the other parents call, you'll tell them that we're at the Beverly

Hills Hotel? Thank you.

How about some room service?

-That sounds good. -Yes, hello, I'd

like to place an order, please? Nefler bungalow four.

Then it sounded like it was in the foyer. Whooo's got my golden arm?

Then it sounded like it was in the maid's room.

Ah. Whooo's got my golden arm?

Ahhh! Oh, my gosh, oh.

-Come on, Mrs. Nefler. It's your turn. -A scary story?

Yeah, come on.

Okay. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

It was a cold and rainy day in March. I went to Christoph's where

I usually get my hair done, but Christoph had mysteriously disappeared.

And in his place was a stranger named Renaldo. I'll never forget him.

His eyes were steely gray, very cold. And his hands were like ice.

He said, "I'll streak your hair...and I'll give you a body wave." He worked

very fast and then as he turned my chair around to face the mirror, I saw it.

-He permed me! ALL: Ahhh!

Hey, look, it's my giant underpants! You know, you

can do a lot of cool stuff with a pair of giant underpants. Just watch!

Hey, Hannah, look at me. I'm your mother.

Follow me, girls. This is fabulous, just fabulous.

Chalk on the sidewalk, writing on the wall. Everybody

-knows it, I love Paul. -Annette, wait up, huh?

This is that bimbo's idea of a campsite, huh?

-I'll raise you two marshmallows. -I'll see your two

-marshmallows, and raise you a wiener. -You're bluffing.

Wilderness Girls don't bluff.

Look! I'm a nun! (KNOCKING

-Hi. Good morning. -Hello. Oh, no.

You are out of here. (speaking foreign language)

-Where is your leader?

You can torture me if you want, but I'll never talk.

-She's in the bedroom. Is she expecting you? -Girls,

did the room service arrive yet? Oh, mon capitan , what a pleasant surprise.

Won't you join us for a little cappuccino and croissant?

Nefler, what the hell is happening here? This is supposed to be a camp out,

-not a pajama party. This what you call roughing it? -One bathroom for

-nine people? Yes. -Have you never heard of a little troop

called the Red Feathers? They were out there at that same site camping

last week. They chopped down trees and wove their own cloth and lived off

of berries and squirrel meat. And never once did they have to go to the bathroom.

It must have been the squirrel meat.

-Nefler... -Cappuccino? You have disrupted

my meetings with your stupid, idiotic questions. You have taken

the sacred uniform and turned into a little cocktail frock. And you

tore these children from a wholesome camping environment and you

brought 'em here to this little den of inequity. Just what are you trying

-to do, huh? -Okay, so I'm not perfect. Granted, I'm new

at this, and between us girls, I haven't worked all the kinks out.

So any tips for the new girl would be greatly appreciated.

Well, here's a tip. Give it up. You can prance these princesses

through Beverly Hills all you want, but you will never really be a real

Wilderness Girl. This troop should have been disbanded long ago.

I know it, they know it, and you know it. Adios, Nefler. Have a nice day.

Herman! Hmph!

Guess it's back to the shrink on Tuesdays. So much for being normal.

-I knew it wouldn't last. -Well, I don't

know about you girls, but next Tuesday, I'm going to be at the troop meeting.

Ha-ha!

Did you see the way I handled that, Herman?

You're never going to see that woman again.

I'm sure we won't, Ms. Plendor, sir.

She thinks just because she's rich she doesn't have to play by the rules.

I can't believe he's taking her to the

Dodger game. It's batting helmet day and she's not even under 14.

-Don't bet on it. -I guess he's divorcing both of us.

I know you feel bad, honey, but try to remember that Dad's going

through a phase right now. It's called being a big jerk.

And this is, this is very interesting. What does that represent?

It's the source of power that allows a brave to defend his home and

-destroy his enemies, right, Mom? -Nix on the mom business.

Sorry, Ms. Plendor, sir.

Oh, look at those adorable little red feathers, and your

patches, those are fabulous. They really bring your uniforms to life.

-Thank you, ma'am. -Where can I buy those?

Oh, you don't buy them. You have to earn them.

Oh, right, like jewelry.

-Oh, damn. -What's wrong?

-I was sure she'd quit. -Here's Claire, who you might recognize

-from television, and she's wearing a backpack. -It may look like

an ordinary backpack, but... When we lift the

flap and pop the snap...voila.

Just because you're in the woods, it's no excuse not to look your best. You call that

a wilderness craft? Where are you from? Mars?

Worse. Beverly Hills.

I want that woman out, Herman. She's a threat to everything we stand for.

I'm gonna assign you as assistant troop leader. You can infiltrate her

organization, win her trust. And then you can get the goods on her.

We are going to form a dossier of information on her.

I know you know best, but does that jive with the ideals of the

-Wilderness Girl promise? -Promise? I'll give you a promise, Herman

I promise you'll be back at K-Mart selling those yarn balls if you don't follow

-orders. -No.

Hello, Mrs. Nefler. This is Annie Herman.

-Remember me? -Of course I remember you, Annie.

You're the gal Friday to our fearless leader, n'est-ce pas ?

Yes. Ms. Plendor was... I was wondering if I could offer my services

to you as an assistant troop leader. You know,

I really could use some help. The parents in this neighborhood are so

self-involved. You...oh, shit, I broke a nail.

Okay, okay, well, see you tomorrow.

She bought it.

Wow!

Testing.

Ready, lift. And down. Exhale, inhale down. Don't arch

your back. A full range of motion, exhale up, inhale down. Lift and

down. You can do it. Come on! Up, keep breathing. Exhale up. Keep

breathing, now lift. And down. Two and down. Keep looking straight ahead.

And down. For a full range of motion. Exhale up. Very controlled.

Exhale. Inhale.

(KNOCKING)

Thanks.

Girls, I'd like you to welcome

Ms. Annie Herman, who has very graciously volunteered to be our new

-assistant troop leader. -Hello. ALL: Hi.

Okay, well, let's sit in the friendship circle and

welcome Ms. Herman.

Join hands please.

Okay, now, who would like to be

first to volunteer a thought or a feeling, share something with us?

This troop sucks.

Okay. Does everybody feel like that?

ALL: Yeah. -Chica?

At the crafts fair, we made complete fools of ourselves.

Those creepy red feathers laughed in our faces.

They had a right to. Did you see all those patches?

Yeah, they can do everything. We can't do anything.

Well, let's face it. We're weird. We're losers.

Really. I hate to say it, Mom, but you know it's true.

Okay, we're not robust mountain women...as yet. But that

doesn't mean we can't be cracker jack Wilderness Girls with plenty of

patches. We could make up our own patches, couldn't we, Annie?

-Pardon? -I'm sure it's very nice to know how to

live in the forest and eat bark, but I'm going to show you girls how to

survive in the wilds of Beverly Hills.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Merci.

-More cappuccino, girls? -Yes, please.

-I'm fine. -A croissant might be nice.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICK)

Please don't bother. I'll just shave it when I get home.

Mrs. Nefler said to give you the works.

-Ow! Ow! -Ha-ha-ha!

Interesting color. Remarkable clarity. A fine cut.

I'd say 82 thou.

-That's amazing. -Isn't it? And it's called a canary diamond?

-Yes. -Does it sing?

No. Yes it does.

Kumbayya, my lord...

ALL: Kumbayya...

Okay, let's begin with the frug. Maestro, if you please.

And this one's called the Freddy. I know, life is so ironic.

My name is Officer Bill, and today I am here to demonstrate for you

cardiopulmonary resuscitation, more commonly known as CPR.

-So, I'll need a volunteer. -Me!

-You. -Oh, no, I don't think that's...

No, no, don't be shy. This'll be very informative. You'll

love it. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

-Now lie down and open your mouth. -The last time I

did this, I got more than a patch for it. Oh, thanks so much.

-Ew. -Ew.

-Would you like a magazine? -I don't want to read New Woman.

-How about this? -I hate Cosmo.

How about this?

Wow, you guys are fantastic. Woo, woo! Wow! Wait. Whoa!

Keep dancing!

Mr. Michaelson, is your client planning to be here or not? Your

Your Honor, my client should be here momentarily.

I'm sorry we're late, Your Honor. My troop and I were busy describing the fall

fashions to the blind. One man said he could actually feel the colors.

-It was inspirational. -Oh, come on, Phyllis, what is this?

It's a Van Runkle. Isn't it fabulous?

-Stunning. -Anyway, the workings of the wonderful

American judiciary system are something that every child should witness,

especially with a woman like you in charge.

Well, I guess it's all right. Okay.

-Hi, Daddy. -Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi. We're here to

attest to the division of property in the temporary support hearing of Nefler

versus Nefler. I will set a court date for six weeks from today.

Your honor, my client would like to petition for an earlier

-court date if possible. -So what's the rush? What is this, Reno?

Never go to Reno, girls. The California community property laws can't be beat.

The fact of the matter is, Your Honor,

my client may be considering remarriage.

How can she subject those innocent children to this? She's really sick.

Until this moment, I never believed we were really through.

Oh, don't give up, Mom. He'll never really marry her.

It's just a typical male midlife crisis. See, he's got to prove that he's still

sexually attractive. My dad's been going through it.

-How long? -11 years.

I need some jewelry.

Divorce-court patch. Hopefully to be followed by the

remarriage-to-someone-better- brighter-and-more- appreciative-of-me patch.

Yeah. And that's why the American Indian is responsible for the turquoise jewelry

-movement. -Oh, Sweet.

That makes patches in 36 patches in three weeks.

-Wow! -I can't believe that. That's so great.

-Is that a record or something, Annie? -It's unbelievable.

-Yeah. -When do we get our patches?

You get your patches at the patch ceremony. It's a little

due I'm cooking up, it'll be at the Marina on a boat. And we'll invite

your parents and we'll have great goodies and you'll love it. And the

only thing you have to do is bring 750 for the patches, and please

-r.s.v.p. by Thursday. -I'm not coming. It's stupid. It's stupid.

Emily!

What happened?

-It's because of the 750. She doesn't have it. -Oh.

Emily!

Wait up, hon! Em! Yo, Em! Wait up!

Emily! Emily, stop! Will you stop?

-I'm sorry! -Thank you.

I haven't been to jazzercise in three weeks.

-I don't have the money. -Sit down. Come on, sit down. Okay.

Emily, I want to tell you a story about a woman who lived right here in

Beverly Hills and thought that money was pretty darn important. One day,

she went to Neiman-Marcus for the linen sale, and she...she got these

fabulous duvets and shams and dust ruffles at 50% off, 200-thread count.

And then she went to pay for them, and the salesgirl cut her credit

card in half in front of a lot of people.

-Did you have to put everything back? -Yes.

-Wasn't it embarrassing? -It was a nightmare. I thought I

could never show my face on Wilshire again. But I was wrong. These things

happen. They happen to everyone. Having money isn't the most important

thing. The most important thing is having friends.

-Especially friends with money. -Thank you.

-And the interest is only 10% a week. Just kidding. -Thanks.

Oh, you guys are fabulous.

Oh, Chica, I'm so sorry that your parents couldn't come today.

They're in Caracas. Besides, I wouldn't have invited them anyway.

I think she's really warming up. Don't you? Can I have that wine

-over there? This needs something. -You can't put wine

-in hobo stew! -Well, of course you can. What goes better

with hobos than wine?

And in addition to the patches earned by all the

girls, I am proud to present to Tiffany Honigman the friendship

patch, the shopping patch, and the jewelry-appraisal patch.

Aw, honey. Oh, good.

And to Lily Marcigan for teaching us how to launder money and crush a revolution.

I'm proud to present the international-affairs patch. Congratulations.

Well done.

And to my lovely daughter, Hannah, I'm proud to present the best-daughter patch.

-Mom! -Just kidding. Just kidding. I'm sorry. Okay. To this total

stranger Hannah Nefler, I'm proud to present the sushi-appreciation patch,

the fire-prevention patch, and the gardening- with-glamour patch.

-I'm so proud of you. -Ah, Fred! -Ha!

-Aah! -Oh, Lisa, too bad! Are you okay, honey?

-God, damn it! Throw me a lifesaver! -No problem.

-Butterscotch or wintergreen? -What?

-Man. -Oh, stop. She'll be all right. Silicon is buoyant.

Encouraging drunkenness. Materialism at its worst.

Bribery. This woman is a complete degenerate.

I think the evidence I have shown here proves conclusively beyond a shadow of a

doubt that the Beverly Hills troop should be stripped of their

uniforms and officially disbanded. And that Nefler woman should be

-tossed out on her butt. -Tell me something, Velda. How did

-you collect all this information? -Well, I cannot

-reveal my sources. -Your sources show that Mrs. Nefler has

taken an active interest in these girls and perhaps this troop has

finally found its niche. I think we'll keep her on for a while.

And by the way, Velda, we don't go around tossing our leaders out on their butts.

I guess that means I don't have to spy on

-Mrs. Nefler anymore. -Wrong, because now is the time that we have

to redouble our efforts. I think I'll have you move in with that Nefler

-woman. That way, nothing will get past you. -Move in with her?

Attention, K-Mart shoppers. Blue light special, aisle 13.

The fumigator said I may not be able to go back into my apartment

-for weeks. -Well, you can stay here.

That's awfully nice of you.

So what do you do for fun? Do you have a boyfriend or anything?

Well, it depends on what you mean by boyfriend. If you mean a man I go out with? No.

If you mean like a boy who's just a friend? No.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Nefler. It's Chica. She's downstairs. She seems really upset.

Chica? Upset? How can you tell?

Chica? What's wrong, sweetheart?

I'd better go. It was stupid of me to come over here.

-Oh, no. Sit down. Let's talk. -I'd better go.

Well, at least wait until I call your parents to pick you up.

-My parents are in Monte Carlo! -Well, I guess it

will be a while before they get here.

It was a last-minute trip. They didn't mean to leave me on my birthday.

(CRYING)

Oh, I'm sure they didn't.

-They forgot her birthday. -Pobrecita.

I'm sure they love you very much. Just give me 10 minutes.

ALL: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Chica, happy birthday to you. Yay!

And remember, any hard-working troop that sells more than a

thousand boxes will attend the annual Jamboree.

-That Jamboree thing sounds fabulous. -Mmm.

My troop is definitely going. What is a Jamboree?

How I love the smell of cookies in the morning. All right, let's

-begin with the M's. - Bonjour, commandant. Ca va bien?

Happy cookie day. I know you're very busy, but I wanted you to know that

my girls have earned oodles of patches, and in record time too.

I am fully aware of what your troop has done.

-Good, good. -I happen to know that those so-called

patches have nothing to do with Wilderness ways as I know them or anyone

-else in their right knows them. -I know that...

I have spoken with Frances Temple, and I do hereby revoke said

patches so that you and those little froo-froos do not prance around with

-them illicitly. -Oh, please, don't...

Please nothing. You will turn them in before you leave here today!

Now, get off my dock.

Let's start with Mar Vista. How many boxes

-will you take, Mar Vista? -40.

How many? I can't hear you, Mar Vista!

-42? -Next!

Ah, Culver City. The lovely and talented Red Feathers.

How many boxes are you little soldiers going to

-take? RED FEATHERS: 1,000! -All right.

Well, maybe Velda doesn't understand our patches, but I'll

tell you something she does understand, cookies. And I think we could sell

enough that we could make her eat her words. What do you think?

She can have the patches. I'm still a Wilderness Girl.

-Thank you. -No big deal. Too many accessories clutter

-an outfit. -Yes, they do. -Normally, I'd

-ask for a refund, but this one's on the house. -Patches. We don't

need no stinking patches! Now how many boxes of cookies are we gonna sell?

You didn't call Beverly Hills!

-Beverly Hills. -2,000 boxes! -Right.

Hi. What a lovely shirt you're wearing.

-Why, thank you. -Would you like to buy some Wilderness Girls

-cookies? It's for a very good cause. -I'm sorry, I

-already bought some. -From who? You did?

-From the cute little girls with the red feathers in their hats.

Sorry.

KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR: Hi.

Hello. We're selling cookies. It's for a very good cause. Would you like to buy some?

I would, but I just bought four boxes from your friends.

You did? BOTH: Our friends?

Yeah, you know, the ones with red feathers?

Sorry. BOTH: Red feathers.

Thank you, ma'am. Woo!

-We did it, Mom! -Nix on the mom business.

Those stinking horse feathers covered every inch of our turf.

I don't understand it. They deliberately ruined it

for our girls. That's not what this organization's all about, is it?

Well, there are some people in the organization, one in

particular, who believe that winning is what's important, no matter who

you have to step on along the way.

So as parents and friends, you have a wonderful opportunity to help our troop

and support these fabulous little girls. What do you think?

Look, if all you're trying to do is to sell 2,000 boxes of

-cookies, why don't we just buy them? -Well, I know, I

know. I thought about that too. But you know, it misses the point. The

girls need a chance to get their neighbors involved, do you know?

It enhances community spirit.

Would you excuse me just a moment? Annie, will you take over?

Um...

-Good night, Dad. -Good night, hon.

Good night, sweetie.

(HONKING)

I believe you're being paged.

Boy, there's quite a crowd in here, isn't there?

Oh, well, you've got your peanut butter. You've got your vanilla.

-You've got your creams which are... -How about you?

-How's the new condo? -Oh, it's great, it's great, yeah. Got

-some furniture from Divorshka. Yeah. -Yeah. It'd be

(HONKING)

nice if you stayed for the parents' meeting, you know? It would mean a lot

-to Hannah. -Gosh, I can't. I mean, I got...

Oh, come on. Look, it's just an hour. She can pull into the

garage and wait...with the motor running.

That certainly took long enough. I thought maybe you decided to move back in.

-Sorry. -Well, what does she want from you now?

Well, she wanted me to stay for a meeting about Hannah's troop.

Tick, tick, tick. Boy, that woman's on a total trip.

Well, the Wilderness Girls are real important to Hannah, you

know. And god, I don't even know what to do. But you're too young to

-understand this, but she'll always be my wife. -What?

-I said, "She'll always be my daughter." -You said, "She'll

-always be my wife." -Oh, I couldn't have said that.

-But you did. -Well, I made a huge mistake.

-Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Look, it's obvious we don't have a solution here. Phyllis, what's your plan?

The girls and I talked about this, and we came up with some great

ideas to get the whole community involved. For example.

Gather around, you friends of mine. We're Wilderness Girls

and it's cookie time. We work hard and we live it,

so buy a box and do your share. If you want the

-best, tasty you can find. ALL: Yeah, yeah.

Chocolate chips are one of a kind.

ALL: Yeah, yeah. -Our peanut butter treats will blow

-your mind. ALL: Yeah, yeah.

-A box of them would be so nice. ALL: Box of.

Cheap at even twice the price.

ALL: Twice the. -I said come on

down, come on down. It's cookie time. It's cookie

time. It's cookie time. It's cookie time, cookie time.

Cookie time, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Here, catch!

Oh, I've got two dollars. Oh, no exact change. Thank you.

BOTH: Cigarettes, cookies. Cigars, cigarettes.

-Peanut butter or mint? Do you take

-American Express? -We prefer Visa.

Oh, cookies always cause such a fuss. Full of sugar and spice, just

like us. We need your dough so don't you pause.

We're Wilderness Girls and we're a real good cause.

If you want to taste this nice and sweet.

ALL: Yeah, yeah.

You won't find something better to eat.

ALL: Yeah, yeah. -Doesn't your mouth deserve a treat?

ALL: Yeah, yeah. -A box of them

-would be so nice. -Nice.

Cheap at even twice the price.

ALL: Twice the. -I said come on down, come on down.

It's cookie time. It's cookie time. It's cookie time.

It's cookie time, cookie time, cookie time, cookie time, cookie time.

About two dollars.

Ms. Pia Zadora. She is smashingly sheathed in this

She is smashingly sheathed in this season's hottest style,

the Wilderness look.

Would you like to buy some cookies?

-Would you like some cookies? -Oh, yes.

-You have to buy them. -Oh.

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Clad in khaki for a lunch at

le bistro or a walk in the woods.

-My broker says it's a fabulous investment. -Mrs. Phyllis Nefler.

-Ah! -Mrs. Nefler is the culprit behind this khaki mania.

And her ensemble is the epitome of this season's hottest trend.

Your mom is so cool. She put this whole

-thing together. -Yeah. She's amazing. I just wish my

-dad could see it. -Yeah.

Thank you, Robin. And if you loved our haute couture ,

you'll adore our haute cuisine .

Buy some cookies today. It's khaki wishes and cookie dreams.

You are so fabulous.

-No, you're fabulous. -No, you...

-No, you. -You're fabulous,

(PHONE RINGING)

-Plendor here. -Velda, Phyllis Nefler.

Listen, I have a little surprise for you. We didn't sell 2,000

-boxes of cookies. -Well, that's no surprise to me. I knew

-you couldn't. - We sold 4,732 boxes. Isn't that

fabulous? Listen, the Barnfells are throwing a gala this evening, and

we'd love you to be there for the check presentation. Eight-ish,

black tie, 70 Hill Crest, across from that garish Suroc mansion. So, see

you then. Ta-ta.

It was a warm and sultry evening.

She looked stunning. Everything was going wonderfully.

Thanks for throwing this fabulous party.

Oh, Phyllis, we want to thank you for giving our little

girl a birthday party while we were away. I am terrible with dates.

-Yes. -Everyone was there. All the

Beverly Hills glitterati. It all looked so civilized, but really it

-was a black tied jungle. -Tessa told me your idea about using

-Emily's dad in my next picture. -Well...

I want you to meet the new mob father.

(MOBBISH GROAN)

-Fabulous. -Thanks so much for helping me out,

helping me get this part. I couldn't get a job in this town. And Emily

thanks you too.

Mrs. Nefler, meet Cinderella.

Oh, Annie, you look fabulous. How did this happen?

Well, Hannah did my makeup and Rosa raided your closet. You really like it?

Excuse me, Cheech? Hi, I'd like you

-to meet Annie Herman. -Annie Herman, boy-oy-oing.

-Wanna rassle? Are you related to Pee-wee? -Madam,

would you mind telling me the truth? How many pairs of shoes do you really have?

Why, what are you implying, Mr. Christy?

Do you like people to call you

-Dictator or just Dic? -Oh, just call me Bong Bong, please.

-May I call you Phyllis? -Sure, sure... Bong bong. (LAUGHS)

-Troop leader of the year? -Oh.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Sir, may I cut in, dance with my wife? -Certainly.

-It was a pleasure, Ms. -And for me.

-Phil, I got to hand it to you. You did it. -I did?

Yeah. I mean, you turned yourself around completely.

-Well. -Yeah. I got to tell you something else,

you look...you look great. It's different and everything,

but I mean, it's softer somehow.

Yes. So, where's Lisa? Or is past her bedtime?

Boy, way past, I'll tell you. I'm not seeing her anymore.

-Oh? -No, and I'll tell

you something else. I am really very, very proud of you. I just had to say that.

Well, I'm kind of proud of me too.

And there's something very important I have to talk to you about.

-Nefler. -Oh, Velda. I'm

so glad you could make it. This is our commander in chief, Velda Plendor.

-This is my...this is Freddy Nefler. -Hey, how you

doin'? Pleasure to meet you. Well, I guess we can talk about it later?

-Sure, sure, of course we can. -So, I guess you

have something for me first? Yes, absolument .

Attencion, mes amis, attencion .

I want you all to welcome our esteemed

district leader, Velda Plendor, who's been gracious enough to stop

by to acknowledge the achievement of our fabulous Beverly Hills

Wilderness Girls.

And next it's on to the annual Jamboree where our

girls will compete for the ultimate honor of being next year's poster

troop. And we're going to win.

I guess my big break came when I was playing Ace, a photographer on the Love Boat.

-Oh, you were good. -Thanks.

-Do you know Gopher? -Yeah, he's a good friend of mine.

You traitor. Look at you, you cheap, slut.

-Your next stop is K-Mart. -Screw you, Velda.

-I don't usually talk that way. -I like it. You are very sexy.

Really.

So, you don't hate me anymore?

Oh, Fred. I never hated you. I was angry with you and I was hurt.

But now I realize that our splitting up was positive.

-Positive? -Well, constructive.

-I feel like I've grown a lot in the last few months. -Boy, yeah, you really have.

-So what was it you wanted to talk to me about? -Hannah.

Hannah?

-Yeah. -What about Hannah?

Well, you know, I realized that ever since we've been separated,

Phil, which is...how much she means to me and I just think that when the

divorce is final, I want joint custody of Hannah and...

That's what you wanted to talk to me about?

Yeah, and I sure didn't want to hurt you, Phil, but you know, she's

my daughter too and I'd like her to spend some time with me, say like on

-the weekends. I'd like to get through... -Good night, Freddy.

Aah! Aah,

I'm drowning. Oh, god. I'm...

Hey, I'm going through a divorce. CROWD: Ooh.

(KNOCKING) Come in.

-Hannah, I washed your yellow sweatshirt. -Thanks, Mom.

Rosa will be back before you do anymore of my laundry, won't she?

-Yeah, I guess so. -Where'd she go, anyway?

-Mexico. Her grandmother died. -Again?

Oh, you're taking your Laura Ashley doll?

Dad thought I should keep some stuff at his house.

There's plenty food in the freezer. If you need anything, just

call me. You've got Dad's number. And don't stay up too late, okay?

Thank you. I'm a grown up person, I think I can take care of myself.

Are you ready, Peaches?

-Coming, Dad. Bye, Mom. -Have fun.

-I love you, Hannah. -Love you too.

(DOORBELL)

Hannah?

Did you forget something, honey? I bet you thought that was pretty cute

-last night, didn't you, Nefler? -What?

Putting on that little show for all your hotsy-totsy friends?

Well, you didn't just embarrass me, you embarrassed the

-Wilderness Girls of America. -I never intended

-on embarrassing anyone. -Oh, you're dangerous, Nefler. You

think this is all a game, don't you? Well, my Jamboree is no joke.

That's the real wilderness out there. It's not some Beverly

Hills backyard. You got mountains, swamps, wild animals. They don't take

credit cards. I'm warning you, Nefler. Somebody is gonna get hurt, and it's

gonna be all your fault.

Well, the reason you're winning is I got

-grease on my controller. Want some more pizza? -I'm stuffed.

-How about some more soda? -No, I'm fine.

You're tired of the game? Okay, let's go to 31 Flavors. I'm ready,

-come on. -Dad, will you please stop. You don't

have to feed me and entertain me every second.

-You mean, I'm trying too hard? -A little.

-Sorry. -I know this is hard for you and Mom, but

it's really hard for me too. I feel like a ping-pong ball.

-I just wish that you guys would get back together again. -Oh, come here.

So do I, Peaches.

Phyllis! Are you upstairs? My god.

This looks like a scene out of Valley of the Dawns.

Give me another bottle of Evian.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Shut up and bring me the bottle.

-My life is over. -I brought up your mail.

There's something from a family court.

I want these burned and the ashes scattered over Forest Blonde.

Come on, get up. I'll make you a cappuccino and we'll go

over to Betsy's and we'll play some doubles.

-I'm not going anywhere. -You cannot just lie there. Come on,

-we'll go to Rodolfo's. -I've lost my will to shop.

-Phyllis, that's not funny. -Velda was mean,

but she was right. It's one thing to try and convince myself that I'm

a real troop leader, but to lead you girls into danger just to save my

own pride would be criminal. And I won't do it.

Now I want to say

that I have loved our times together,

and I will treasure them... always.

-But it's over now. -Girls?

-Sorry, Mrs. Nefler, but a deal's a deal. You can't quit. -You wouldn't let

-me run away. And we won't let you either. -Don't you realize

what you've done for us?

-You're our role model. -And our friend.

Mrs. Nefler, you took a group of over-indulged,

unmotivated, alienated, preadolescents and gave us renewed sense of

-self-esteem. -I think what she means to say is that you

-made us like ourselves. -We're a team now. We can win any

competition. We can whoop the wilderness. We ain't scared of nothin' as long

as we have you.

They're right, Phil. You've come too far to quit now.

(TRUMPET SOUNDING)

And now the main event of the annual

Wilderness Jamboree is survival competition. Each troop must follow

the path that is designated by your color flag. Our blue flags were

for our Beverly Hills sisters, but it appears that they've opted not to

compete.

So to the rest of you, I say good luck. May the best troop win.

On your marks, get set...what is that noise?

(CARS HONKING)

What is that noise?

Careful, careful, easy. Yeah, here we come. Yeah.

Get your damn car out of my friendship ring.

-Hi, Vel. Lovely to see you too. -Okay, fine, on

your mark, get set, go. WILDERNESS GIRLS: Ew. Aw.

(CHEERING)

Come on, we have to hurry. We have to get to that table with the

-blue banner. Put on those arm bands. Come on. -Oh, the table

-with the blue banners, girls. -There should be a

-map and a compass. -Just a second, Herman. Only Wilderness

Girls and troop leaders are allowed to participate in this.

-I'm an assistant troop leader. -Yeah.

Not anymore you aren't. I just fired you.

-What? Are you kidding me? -She can't do that. That's not fair.

Oh, and Nefler, you better get moving. It's 20 miles to the

nearest campsite and it's about a hundred miles to the nearest four-star hotel.

Take your pick. Phyllis? Hm?

I can't let you take the girls out there alone.

-Why not? -Because you get lost in your walk-in closet.

Not anymore. We've got a map here. The

route is marked. We just follow the little blue flags, right?

-Right. -Yeah. -We'll be fine.

We're Troop Beverly Hills.

-Yeah! -We are winners! Okay, let's go.

Remember, the troop that gets back here in the shortest time

wins. You'll be timed from here to the midpoint tonight. Bivouac there

and then tomorrow you race into the finish line, got it?

Sure, sure, I got it. -Do you know how to

-use a compass? -I can learn. -Don't worry, Mom.

-I can do it. -Is that a snake? -No, it's not.

-Emily, is that poison oak? -Gross, yuck.

Okay now, north is that way. Which way is the campsite?

I can do this. Gucci's just north of Wilshire, the Beverly

Wilshire Hotel is west. I think the campsite is at Cartier, so to speak.

You guys, there's a blue flag.

(GROANING)

That can's a little rusty.

All right, another blue flag.

Annie...something's kind

-of fishy here. -Where are you? We're standing

-in a jungle of reeds with goo up to our ankles. -It sounds like

-Dead Man swamp. -Oh, good.

Annie, do...do rattle snakes

-live in swamps? -Oh, no, they hate water.

Oh, god, thank god. Thanks, Annie. Water moccasins

live in swamps. They're just as deadly, but they don't make any noise

-before they strike. -Aaah!

-Aaah! -Philly? Phyllis? Are you there? Phyllis?

-Phyllis? -What an adventure. Isn't nature

fabulous, girls?

Aah!

Oh, good spirit, Tiffany. Good spirit, girls. You have positive words for me, and I

get their second wind. Aaah!

(SCREAMS)

Six hours, 27 minutes.

Anytime now, those Red Feathers will come out over that horizon.

The new record time for the first half of this competition.

RED FEATHERS: We're number one. We're number one. We're...

Ah, there they are. RED FEATHERS: We're number

-one. We're number one... -Aaah!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, halt. Nefler. Aah!

You're gonna pay for this. Yes, you are.

Redondo Beach, seven hours 21 minutes. Pomona, seven hours and four minutes.

Red Feathers, six hours 29 minutes. Beverly Hills, six hours, 28 and

-a half minutes. -Do you hear that? I thought you said we were

-gonna win? -You are. Just leave it to me. Grundman?

-Yes, sir...ma'am. -I'm gonna be

taking over tomorrow. You're going too sick to continue.

I am?

There's been a slight change of plans.

Mrs. Grundman is gravely ill. I have no other option but to lead the

-Red Feathers myself. -What? That's not fair.

That's not fair. She mapped out the course.

The second leg of the competition will begin on my command.

Ready, set, go. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Because that buffalo butt is breaking every rule by joining

those little monsters doesn't mean we can't be good sports, right?

ALL: Right! -Yeah, we play by

-the rules, right? ALL: Right!

And we're gonna win, right?

ALL: Right! Right. Five, six, seven, eight.

We're the girls from Beverly Hills.

One, two, three, four.

Shopping is our greatest skill. Five, six,

seven, eight. We will fight and try real hard.

One, two, three, four.

Leave behind our credit card.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly

Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills,

what a thrill. Beverly Hills, what a thrill.

Oh, no. Well,

au revoir, ma jamboree. Well, hey, you know, we got into the woods. And

we had a nice time. It's a crock of shit. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

-Just once I would like to go the distance. -Mom.

It really frosts my cookies that we have worked so hard and we

-have come so far and now we have to stop. -Not necessarily.

Look.

-Wait, wait, no. No, I can't let you do this. -I can do it, Mom.

-It's just like the balance beam. -This is no

balance beam, honey. This isn't even a bridge. This is a log. It's very

treacherous and that is a very, very deep ravine. Only an idiot would walk

-across that. I'm going to do it. -Mom, you're

afraid of heights. You fell off the garden mall when you were spying on Dad.

I wasn't spying on Dad. I was checking on

my azaleas. I was spying on Dad. But that's not really the point here.

The point is that I'm the adult. I'm the responsible one. And for

-a change, I'm gonna take care of you. -You always have.

-I have? -Yeah. Me and seven other girls.

-Yeah, you're a lucky kid. -Be careful.

Okay. If I get across...when, when I get across, I want you to go

down to the bridge, tie a rock on the loose end, and throw it across to me.

-Okay? -Okay.

I am the log. I am the ravine. I am scared.

(GASPS)

-This isn't so bad. -Mom! -Ow!

-Be careful, Hannah. -I'm coming, Mom.

-No, you're not. -Yes, I am. -Concentrate.

-Go slower. -Hannah, go back. -No. I'm not gonna

-let you stay out here. Aah! -Hannah!

-Mom, my foot's stuck. -Oh, good. Oh, god.

Okay. Here I come.

-Stay right there. -Hannah, try.

I'm comin'.

Let's push.

Push hard. Don't lose your balance.

Okay, I'm gonna turn around. Is your foot all right?

-Yeah, it's okay. -Okay, okay. Don't look down. Here we

go. Take my hand, honey. I distinctly remember telling you to stay off

this log. Of course what do I know? I'm just your mother.

-I'm sorry. -Oh, sure, easy to say that now, you're

sorry. But will you listen the next time? I'd just like someone to

listen. Sometimes you're as stubborn as your father.

-Aah! -We did it! We did it! Oh, honey.

-Mom, you're a hero. -Wait, oh, stop.

It was nothing. It wasn't that bad. It was awful. It was awful, but we made

it. Okay, go down to the bridge, go down to the bridge.

Damn. Those little bimbesses are really starting to bug me. All

right, screw the flags, girls. I know a shortcut. Come on. Come on, come

I don't know, Ms. Plendor. The map says

this areas is for hunters and trappers only. It might be dangerous.

It is only dangerous when you don't know what you're doing.

-Ankle! -This is unbelievable. We haven't

-lost that much time. -Really? -Let me see the map.

Wouldn't it be bizarre if we won?

-Hey, we already won. -What do you mean?

Well, we didn't quit. And we didn't cheat. And we didn't call

home when we were in trouble. We were a team. We won.

-We did. -You're right. -Yeah.

Now let's beat those suckers at their own game.

Yeah, let's go.

It's broken. Jamie, some rations and some water.

Oh, come on, you're not gonna leave me here.

You're dead weight. Besides, after we win, we'll send someone back

-to get to you. Come on, Red Feathers, move on. -Cleo! I was in

labor with you for 17 hours.

I bought you your first... I have patches, girls!

I can get you into West Point. You little bitches!

-Oh, my god, what was that? -Don't worry. It

-was probably just one of nature's beasts. -I hate children! I hate them!

Yep, it's a beast all right.

Move out.

-Ow. Hey. -How bad is it, Tessa?

Well, there's multiple contusions and

possibly a cracked fibula. And a severe personality disorder.

There's a nurse at the finish line. What's the quickest way

-we can get you there? -Oh, no. Mm-mm, you don't want to help me,

you just want to know the quickest way to get there so you can win.

Well, blow it out your barracks bag, sweetheart, you can leave me behind because

-I'm not talking. -Well, let's leave her.

We've already lost a lot of time because of her.

-Besides, she hates us. -Why should we

-lose just to help her? -Well, it's a real moral dilemma, isn't

it, girls? We could help a fellow Wilderness Girl as we swore we would when

-we pledged the Wilderness promise. -That's right.

Or we could leave her here and pursue our own personal glory.

Well, she is ravaged by vicious beasts, toyed with by lonely mountain

men...really lonely mountain men.

I leave it up to you.

Huddle.

I think we should leave her, she's just a

-pain. Go tell her. -Ms. Nefler, she's history. We're out of here.

-Oh, come on. -Come on, guys. We did swear.

I knew I could count on your girls to do

-the right thing. -Stop or I'll bust out crying. I knew I

-could count on you losers to do the wimpy thing. -You need your rest.

As the girls are clearing the

woods, I want to a tight close-up on Tessa. Stay with her. And we're gonna

whip pan to the rest of the woods. Now the theme of the shot is victory.

I think I see somebody. RED FEATHERS: We're

number one. We're number one. We're number one. We're number one.

-It's the Red Feathers. -Oh, dear.

Hearty congratulations to the winners of our annual Wilderness Jamboree, the

Culver City Red Feathers. RED FEATHERS: Aah!

-Thank you, Mrs. Temple. On behalf of the other Feathers and myself, we felt good. We

were pumped. We came to win and we won. I'd like to think that the other

three troops gave a real run for our money, but they didn't.

Oh, wait a minute, dear. Wait, where's...where's your

-mother? -I don't know. Give me the trophy.

Eh, eh, dear, the rules specifically state that the trophy

goes to the first entire troop to cross the finish line. No leader, no

-trophy. -Give me the trophy.

-Get your footing, girls. Going down the hill please. -Look.

Come on, Jamie.

Look, they're dragging something.

-Looks like an animal. -Oh, must be

-Velda. CROWD: Yay! Yay!

The Red Feathers came in without a leader, therefore,

they are disqualified. And the winners are Troop Beverly Hills.

(CHEERING)

-No! -We did it, we did it!

No, no, no, no, no way! You're not even

Wilderness Girls. None of you are. I'm the only real Wilderness Girl.

Does she strike you as being minus a few buttons?

Oh, I'll tell you about the buttons, you senile old bag.

I may be old and I may be senile, but the only thing that's bagged

-around here is you. You're fired. -Oh, fine. I really

care. So what? Who cares? I don't need you. I don't need anybody. I'm gonna

secede from the national organization. Yeah, that's it. I'll secede

and I'll form my own organization, yeah, Plendor's Pilgrims.

That's it, Plendor's Pilgrim. No, wait a minute, wait a minute,

Plendor's Pioneers. How's that? That's perfect. What about Velda's

-Avengers? -I'm sorry to see you go. She always fun at

our Halloween party. And I'm sorry we don't have a trophy for you.

-Oh, well, we don't need a trophy, huh? Yeah. I mean, all

we wanted to do was to prove we were real Wilderness Girls.

Well, whoever said you weren't?

Velda.

I wish Dad were here.

I know. Me too.

Oh, you did it. I am so proud of you. I

-knew you could do it. You were great. -Mom did it.

-May I kiss the troop leader? -It's okay with me.

I'm sorry, Phil. I love you, wilderness girl.

Oh, Fred. I love you, muffler man.

It's about time you two grew up.

-I think we should get married. -Again.

Five, six, seven, eight. We're the girls from

Beverly Hills. One, two, three, four. Shopping was our

greatest skill. Five, six, seven, eight.

After all it's said and done.

One, two, three, four. EVERYONE: Beverly Hills is number one!

Five, six, seven, eight. Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills, what a

thrill. Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills...

What a thrill! Beverly Hills, what a thrill. Beverly

Hills, what a thrill. Beverly Hills, what a thrill.

Attention, K-Mart shoppers, blue light special on aisle 13.

Cookies.