All language subtitles for This.Time.With.Alan.Partridge.S01E04.WEB.h264-KOMPOST

This programme contains some strong
language.

I'm Alan Partridge. Last week on
This Time, I shared the
uncorroborated story of a baby

who was thrown from a burning
building and caught by a dog.
I said I'd find out more.

I haven't done that, but the balls
of that dog

have captured the public imagination
and reminded us

that they're more than mere pets.

They are sheep dogs, guide dogs,
guard dogs, yard dogs,

hard police dogs, who tirelessly...

Ha-ha! ..pursue escaped convicts
before capturing and biting them.

The stern-faced women behind me
aren't campaigners or strikers.

They're decent British dog lovers on
the way to Downing Street

with a petition calling for a
monument to police dog bravery.

They already have 1,000 signatures.

Make that 1,001.

I'm Alan Partridge and it's time for
This Time.

Move, move, move, move - get out
the fucking way!

Hello, and welcome to This Time.

With Jennie Gresham.

And a somewhat, no, DANGEROUSLY
out-of-breath Alan Partridge.

I am not out of breath.

He can hardly speak.
I am speaking now!

Barely. I'm as fit as a fiddle.
Fit to drop.

I do spinning classes three times a
week - get off! I'm only teasing!

And if you look behind the reception
desk, David Lloyd of Norwich,

under the words
"Cardio King of the Month",

you'll see my face!

And anyone could check that out, anyone!

So, there you go!

If you are in the area, pop in and
make sure you check that out.

It won't be there now, cos it was
last month

and I don't do spinning classes any
more... Oh, was it a bit much?

No, no, I spewed over the handle bars.

Perfectly normal.

Uh, ask Steve Redgrave.

He regularly spews in his canoe.

That what it's called?

And hey... Kayak?

..good for all of you for getting
behind our Hero Dogs campaign.

HE BARKS
I love doing that to women!

Great to see people throwing their
weight

behind such a worthwhile campaign.

Yeah, and using Twitter to voice
their support rather than

to just exchange puns or, uh, agree
with Caitlin Moran.

And, remember, it's a small
operation run from home

by a little old lady who used to
type for the police.

It desperately needs funds, so why
not do what I did earlier today

and pull out your credit card, and
give them some dead-dog dosh.

Later, we'll be meeting a new
celebrity lookalike

with an uncanny resemblance to Alan.

I'm not really sure I could handle
two of you.

I'm not sure two of us could handle YOU!

But, first, how many of you out
there are 100 years old?

More than you might think.

National statistics say there are
14,000 centenarians in the UK.

And that's enough to fill the
Birmingham Arena.

Wow! Yeah, although presumably,
they'd need a lot more toilets.

The latest addition to that
exclusive 100 Club received

her telegram from the Queen this
very morning.

And, as her granddaughter writes,
she's a big fan of this show.

Aw, here's what she wrote.

20 seconds!

Where's my fucking water?!

I made it very clear I need a glass
of water after exercise

or else white saliva forms at the
corners of my mouth!

Whose is this? That's mine...

Careful, it's fizzy.

What?

And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague
joins us on the line.

Now, Rose, are you there, my love?

ON PHONE: Well, of course I'm here!

Where else would I be?

Rose, many congratulations.

HE BURPS

Excuse me.
CONTINUES BURPING

BELCHING: Congratulations.

Hello?

LONG BURP

There we go - Rose, can you tell us
where...?

No, leave it here.

Here!

Because if you leave it there,
I can't reach it,

you stupid girl! Rose, I believe
your father was a captain stationed

in the army? Now of course, I grew
up in the Raj, 1930s.

Yes.

Perfectly pleasant there - one can
be rather misty-eyed.

Of course, the handover was rather
botched.

Mountbatten did what he could, poor
old Dickie,

Radcliffe and so forth. That's
lovely, I was wondering about,

the secret to your old age.

I'm talking, young man!

Sorry. Do you normally interrupt
people when they're speaking?

I haven't been called a
young man for quite some time...
Stop mumbling!

Why are you staring at me?

What's your name? Alan Partridge.

The point being, we had a house boy.
Not a friend, you understand...

Right. ..an employee. OK.

He used to run errands.

And we called him Brownie. Right.

Not the sharpest of fellows, but
curiously,

he was not an Indian.

OK. He was a negro.

And they are very different because
whilst physically stronger, they...

LINE CLICKS

Oh! Oh, dear... Ooh, got it.

Ooh, we seem to be...
We seem to have lost Rose there.

But, yes, a great achievement and
colourful character.

Different times, different times,
and apologies there

for the wind and the racism.

Now, mention our American cousins
and most people think weaponry,

doughnuts, racism, and brown paper
shopping bags with no handles.

What's all that about?

Oh, dear, I thought you were having
a stroke there.

But there's much more to America
than that.

Time for New-SA.

Our first regular update on the
state of the States.

We're joined by our very own
Ruth Duggan for a segment

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: as American as
Mom's apple pie!

Thought YOU were having a stroke.
And who doesn't love mum's apple
pie?

Well, I'm sure I would. I've not met
your mum,

but I imagine a kind of Nanette
Newman type.

Crimping crusts and cutting out love
hearts from excess pastry

to plonk on the top of a pie lid.
Oh, something like that.

What about your mum's? Well, I love
my mum, but, erm, I have to say,

she made bad pies.

And even though she loved me, she
managed to make a pie

without putting any love into it
whatsoever.

So, yeah, just, you know, chopped
apples, pastry,

lots of brown sugar, but, as I say,
no love.

But Ruth, I bet you loved your mum's
apple pie.

First up, police raid a house in
Cleveland and find four dead men

in a septic tank - not the kind of
story anyone likes.

I do actually - I love anything like
that.

Right. Absolutely delicious.

Oh, yeah, all right, you mean the
apple pie!

I'm the same, though, Ruth - all the
pastry turns into a fat back.

Well, quite - it's been described as
a truly gruesome sight.

What? A vision of hell.
Dismembered limbs from as many...

That's right, I think you've
got a bit of a delay on the line.
..a bit of a delay on the line.

Copycat! So, I'll just try and
soldier on as best...

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?
It's all right, I was just saying
the same thing as you said.

I should just try and push on and
assume that you can hear.

Yep, go ahead, Alan.

No, you go ahead.

You go ahead. Shall I continue...?

You go ahead. So, I...

You go ahead!
I didn't quite catch...

It's like trying to have a chat on a
webcam with someone

in the Philippines.

Or, bloody anywhere in the world!

Yes - sorry, after you.

And Ruth, stop talking.

We're starting again.
Nod when you get this.

Now, Ruth, hello.

Hello. Good.

Do you like your mum's apple pie?

Yes.

And I believe the police have found
the remains of four dead men in a
house in Cleveland?

Yes, that's right.

Well, tell us about it and give us a
long answer

so we don't have to keep going back
and forth!

Now?

Yes, now!

I should knock on the side of your box.

Well... Ignore the box thing.

..as I said, it's a grizzly
discovery, and while the identities
of the men haven't been con...

Sorry, the side of my box?

The owner of the house has
been named locally

as 51-year-old Brian Crilly,

now the subject of a full scale manhunt.

Well, Ruth, I think we'll leave it
there for today. Thank you.

You're welcome, Jennie.

I'll let you go and enjoy the
sunshine. Too hot for me, I'm
afraid. You back with us next week?

The week after.
See you then. Bye-bye.

Ruth Duggan there, and apologies if
there were any technical glitches.

Think we got it sorted out in the end.

Now, though, tracking the progress
of our dog-loving petitioners,

it's our very own Simon Denton.

Hello, Alan.

Simon, when you get your teeth into
a topic, you never let go.

And I don't mean the chocolate.

Whereas you are more of bounty hunter.

Good start!

How's it looking?

Well, let's have a look.

This is the sight, currently,
outside Number Ten, Downing Street.

Just click on the film there.

And there we are - that's
Downing Street.

All quiet on the western front.

And now if I just...

..let me swipe.
Do it with conviction.

I am doing it with conviction.

Ah!

There, you see, you were powerful -
it respects that.

Now this icon here of this man

represents the women who are already
at Piccadilly Circus.

Wow, look at them go!

You know, it's such a myth, isn't
it, that older women are dawdlers?

Anyone who's seen the no-nonsense
galumph of a Tory lady politician

will know that they can shift.

Yes, indeed, but not everyone is
behind them.

We've got a text here...

Through the hand...

Neville, comma, Swansea.

"Why are people happy to throw money
at a few dead police dogs

"but they can't find any for child
refugees?"

Don't know. Any more texts?

Yes. I do, yeah.

Well, this is a tweet, on a slightly
lighter note.

A tweet that Lucy, in the office,
has found.

I'll go to my little birdie.

And my little birdie.

And my little birdie.

Don't say that. Right.

HE READS

Oh, good luck to them, I only held
it up for a second.

I think they've paused it and
photographed it.

Still won't help - I only showed one
side.

You showed both sides, here's the
other side, there's your CVV.

Four, four... Don't read it out!

..one, I think. Swipe off.

There... With CONVICTION!

There. Right.

I didn't... Sh!

Now we all love adverts, but the BBC
doesn't have any.

In fact, as a publicly funded
left-leaning broadcaster,

the BBC actively curls its lip at
the on-screen promotion

of any product or brand.

Yet, what if, unbeknownst to the
Corporation,

it was still happening?

What if the BBC was being penetrated
through the back door?

As I, Alan Partridge, go,
Through The Back Door.

The BBC won't roll out the red carpet

for the product placement spivs but
if you know someone on the inside,

then you've got a foot in the door -
thanks, Debbie! OK.

And you can tiptoe through

into a whole world of commercial
opportunity.

The BBC is a much-cherished institution,

known by some simply as Auntie Beeb.

But thanks to certain presenters,
she's the kind of auntie

that answers the door wearing
lipstick and a dressing gown!

So, how does it work?

Let's say Julia Bradbury is being
filmed looking at some geese.

Fine!

But what if Julia wants to take a
gander using

an Orion Super Compact spotting scope?

The high-class monocular would have
an audience of 4 million

and, well, you do the maths.

And Julia?

"Oh, don't you worry about Ju.

"She'd do all right out of it."

But if she did, she'd be on very
shaky ground.

But there's one household name to
whom rumours cling

like thick, wet soil.

Monty Don is one of Britain's best
loved garden-based broadcasters,

yet many of his peers - not just me,
there are others, I'm sure -

believe he's accepting cash bungs
from businesses

to wield or wear their products on air.

Time, then, to reel him in.

He may be green-fingered but I'm
going to catch him red-handed.

I've arranged a meeting with the
squiggle-haired horticulturalist.

The hustle? I'm going to offer him a
lucrative presenting job

if he agrees to a little on air
product placement.

Well, with my producer hat on,

I've set up a meeting with Don to
pitch a programme to him,

which will be a combination of
gardening, quad biking,

rock music and another element to be
determined by Don

to allow him to be part of the process.

And what Don doesn't know is that

I am secretly recording our
conversations

with a classic subterfuge kit of
briefcase cam, lapel cam,

hotel suite and, in the other room,

there's a woman to complete the picture.

It just remains for us
to sit tight and wait.

OK. Oh, do you want me to point
the camera towards the door?

No, no, no, just act naturally.
But it... Unscrunch your face.

Now! Do it.

Hello. Hello. Very nice to see you.
Come on in.

Thank you. Hey, Monty! Hello, Alan.
Just drying my hands.

Can I get you a drink?
Yes, that would be lovely.

Great, OK. Well, it's all
in the minibar, there then.

Do you have any wine?
We do indeed. Red or white?

A glass of red. Ah! Good man!

Two big pint glasses of red wine,
please, Lynn.

Are you sure? Yes, Lynn!

I think she's a bit star-struck!

LYNN TITTERS

There you are. She is.

Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

Um. A quick, er, Jimmy Riddle.

VOICEOVER: I know what I was doing
was incredibly dangerous.

Monty's fearful reputation precedes him.

It's said he's known
on his allotments simply as The Don,

although that may be
because his surname is Don.

Time to talk turkey.

As I see it, Power Plant With
Monty Don would combine the best

qualities of Top Gear with the very
best qualities of Gardeners' World.

And I think you're perfectly
placed to present that

because, of course, you're one
of those people who can talk about,

for example, pansies, without
feeling in any way self-conscious.

When the public watch
you on television, Monty Don,

they feel like they're
in the garden with you.

That's very kind of you.
Thanks, thank you very much.

Oh, no, think nothing of it.
Calm down, Lynn, calm down.
Lynn doesn't have a garden.

She's got a couple of hanging
baskets and a window box.

Um, yes.
That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?

Hey, Lynn? Mm. Couple of hanging
baskets and a window box!

Oh, don't cover your brooch.

Oh, but, no, by the way,
this is all on me.

No, I'm very happy to do this.
This will be my treat.

Not at all. No, I'm pretty flush at
the moment, and I don't just mean,

uh, my BBC salary.
Being back on television

certainly opens
doors, if you know what I mean. Mm.

Nah, being back on the old idiot box

certainly greases the wheels,
if you know what I mean.

Yes.

VOICEOVER: There it was... Yes.

Yes.

VOICEOVER: ..the first chink in his
armour.

Skip the surf. Can I have more turf?

VOICEOVER: The time was right to
strike.

So turf and turf?
You like nuts, then?

Mm, I love them. Very good.

Never mind peanuts,
how about pound nuts?

I don't think I know pound nuts.
Never had 'em.

Forget cash-ew nuts.

How about cash nuts?

I'm not sure I'm following you here,
Alan.

Let's say we go ahead and make
Power Plant With Monty Don.

If you could, for example,
use a Spear & Jackson trowel

to plough a small furrow for some seeds

you may well find a big fat envelope
worming its way into your satchel.

Now listen. I would not, never have,
and I would not conceivably...

Wait, wait, wait, whoa!

Monty, we are
just two guys chewing the fat.

Regardless of what I think,
there are BBC guidelines.

Come on! Do you think John Craven
gets by on his BBC salary?

If you give him 500 knicker,

he will name-check a bag
of animal feed on Countryfile.

Bung him one large,
he'll eat the stuff himself.

So what's your price, Monty?

I have no price. No.
A million pounds?

This is getting really...

OK, a billion?

Ha, OK, a billion pounds?

Yeah, yeah, sure,
for a billion pounds, I would(!)

Cheers!

VOICEOVER: I got ya!

Ah!

Well, I've just come from the
table where Monty Don has admitted

he would accept financial
inducements to promote products,

and whilst the figure
mentioned may have been fanciful,

it seems that everyone has their price.

The question now is... Alan?
Go.

Are these... Donty!

Are these with you?

Um... I don't think so.

Are you guys with me?

Alan? Wh-what's going on?

What's...?

Er...

HE SINGS THEME TUNE HOOK:
♪ This Is Your Life! ♪

Alan, that's a menu. Yes, it says
"menu". I know, yeah, that's right.

If you just look up there...

Alan! Just remembered -
I've got a dentist appointment!

Can you pay for dinner?
Pay for dinner, yeah?

Pay for dinner!

VOICEOVER: It seems that everyone
has their price.

HUMMED JINGLE

And this is the dossier of evidence

that will be presented
to the DG of the BBC by me.

Originally titled, A Different Kind
of Abuse At The BBC,

and then, in brackets, just to be
clear, not sexual, it's now called,

A Common Future, colon,
Moving Forward Together.

Let the winds of change blow.

And now to the kitchen,

where Jennie's getting squiffy on
cocktails!

Ha-ha! Not yet, Alan.
But it looks like we might be.

How bad is it, Lynn?
Well, the credit card's cancelled.

How bad?
And they'll issue a new one.

How many transactions? 110.
Oh, Jesus.

So you do need to go through them
and say which ones aren't you.

Well, everything in the last
20 minutes, obviously.

But everything before that IS you?
Yes.

So the packet of three
men's slimming corsets,

purchases at 2.31pm?

Men's slimming corsets? Yes.

Slimming corsets? Yes.

Corsets? Yes!

Well, as you can see,
I've never heard of them.

It was before you
revealed your card details.

Lynn, Lynn, hey,
it could very well have been you.

You've got the means.

You'd be high on the list of suspects,

if those TV detectives
that you like, Egg and Onion...

Rosemary and Thyme. Yeah, them.

..if they were investigating
corsetry theft in Sheringham,

you would be a person of interest.
Oh.

As opposed to a person
who's interesting.

And never talk about my slimming
corsets in front of a make-up
woman.

Their tongues wag more than
a happy dog's tail.

Alan, back in five.

If you don't have a little shot
glass at home, it's not the end of
the world.

And back to you, Alan.
Thanks, Jennie!

Simon, a quick check on the progress
of the canine commemorators?

Well, wh-wh-where are the dog people?

Well, we, we can't get hold of them,
on their phones.

That's how we're keeping track?
We're just phoning them? Uh, yes.

We should probably have
a GPS fix there, really.

I'd have thought so.
It's easy enough.

You just slip an iPhone
into someone's handbag.

That's what I do with my assistant
when she says she's taking

the afternoon off for
a chiropody appointment.

"Oh, look, she's in Debenhams."

Well, Lucy in the office is trying
to get hold of them.

"Lucy in the office". You keep
mentioning Lucy in the office. Um...

Lucy in the office?
Lucy in the sky with diamonds?

You're sweet on her.
No, no, she's nice, a nice girl.

Have you told her?
You should tell her.

You can't live with your mum forever.

Which one is she?
You won't know her.

Do you? What's...
Let's have a look at some tweets!

Never mind your tweets!
Let's have a look at her.

Look at this! Hi!

Hello!

Simon, I think, has got something
to say to you.

Oh, Alan. No, it's...
I know. It's fine.

I think he's doing it his way.

No, it's just, I was wondering...

With conviction!

Would you like to
go for a drink one night?

Sure, yeah.

You don't have to say yes
cos you're on live television.

No. I'd love to. Yes.

Two lovebirds!
Well. On the show.

Going to be one down
at the pub quiz now.

Never bloody see him again!
Lucy? Yeah?

Look after him!

Lovely.

Now!

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang.

HE IMITATES CARDIOGRAM FLATLINING

The sound, there, of a heart halting.

Very realistic.

But, what if that happened here,
now, to me or to Alan?

Or more likely, the show's producer.

He does get very stressed!

Anyway, would you know what to do?

I have to admit I wouldn't,

but luckily I am sat next to a man
who does, because Alan is trained

in, let me get this right, cardio
pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR.

There you go. And it's something you
believe - I got it right -

people should do regularly, isn't it?

I do, and it's not a huge sacrifice.
Uh-huh.

Only takes an afternoon.

Make it a monthly thing,
just like checking your smoke alarm

or asking your cleaner about her chemo.

Here's Alan's guide to saving lives.

Every day people collapse,
but if an injured person

lay prone in front of you,
would you know what to do?

Well, I would. You see, in 1999,
I hosted an event called

"So You Wanna Work For Halfords?"

High jinx ensued and, long story short,

a chap swallowed his tongue
and we all had to go home,

which is why now, one afternoon a
month, I brush up on my CPR skills.

The victim?
Well, I use a 35kg replica,

purchased from my late friend,
Pete Gavitas.

He supplied similar units
to several of our group.

You're all right, love.

British Heart Foundation use
a simple torso and head model,

but I've gone for a full-size,
full-weight unit

with workable joints.

I set about creating a
different scenario each month.

In today's set-up, my brother's
wife Eileen is visiting

for the weekend, so we can go
to the boat show and indulge

our shared
love of speedboats and jet bikes!

But today, I'm about to find her
unconscious, having overdosed,
because she hates my brother.

And now we're ready.

On discovering a prone body...
Are you all right?

..attempt to rouse them.

Eileen, can you hear me?

Eileen?

Come on, Eileen! Come on, Eileen!

Check for signs of breathing.

And then, while waiting
for the paramedics to get a move on,

begin CPR. Tilting the head back,
lift the chin,

then pinch the nose closed and dock.

And then it's chest compressions.

To achieve the correct tempo,

some suggest thinking of the disco
track, Staying Alive,

but for me, the Bee Gees' classic
has a somewhat namby-pamby quality.

Instead, I opt for Queen's
Another One Bites The Dust,

a pounding rock number that provides
an important dose of realism.

MUSIC: Another One Bites
The Dust by Queen

♪ How do you think I'm going to get
along without you when you're gone?

♪ You took me for everything that
I had and kicked me out on my own

♪ Are you happy, are you satisfied?
How long can you stand the heat?

♪ Out of the doorway the bullets
rip to the sound of the beat

♪ Look out! ♪

Ah!

After an hour of practice, it's
time for a well-earned breather

with a good book and a warm drink...

..before lugging the unit back
upstairs to be stowed.'

Don't forget to clean the mouth.

Well, important stuff there.

Yes, look after your heart.
You only get one.

Unless you are an octopus or
a cuttlefish,

in which case you have three!

Yeah, or my ex-wife,
in which case you've got none.

Now, they say...
Yeah, a really nasty woman.

..every face is unique, but maybe
some are less unique than others.

Have you ever wondered what it would
be like to make a living
impersonating a celebrity?

Well, joining us now,
we have a couple of lookalikes,

or if you're German, zwei doppelganger.

Please welcome Trevor Mortimer,
aka 007, Daniel Craig,

and Martin Brennan aka
our very own Alan Partridge.

Martin, we'll come to you in a second,

but Trevor, being James Bond takes
you all over, doesn't it?

Yes, I've been all over the world,
actually.

Hmm, and big question,
have you ever met Daniel Craig?

I have actually.
I was in Quantum Of Solace with him.

And, do you have his phone number?
Happily married.

Wow! So you've actually
been in a James Bond film?

I have, yeah.

I, FYI, was in the TV epic, Jesus
of Nazareth, with Robert Powell.

Wow. Yeah, I was in Tunisia.
Oh, what were you doing there?

I was on my honeymoon, and I decided
to spend the week as an extra.

And I was part of this big scene
where Pontius Pilate

turns to the crowd and says,

"I may show mercy to one man.
Shall I release Jesus or Barabbas?"

And, I'm one of the extras
in the background, shouting,
"Barabbas, please!"

Now, Martin, hello, or shall I say, aha?

Ha-ha!

It's "aha", there's no aitch.

Did I put in a haitch?
You did put an "aitch" in, yeah.

Now normally you're
a farmer in the west of Ireland.

I am. OK.

And how long have you been
an Alan impersonator?

Since a week Thursday.
Since a week Thursday.

My cousin said, "Martin,
you look like the fella off the TV."

Showed me on the computer,

I said, "Who de hell is dat?"

He said, "It's, uh, you know...
Alan Partridge.

I said, "Who de hell is dat?!"

He said, "He's a famous fella.
Used to be on the TV, way back."

I had never heard of you.
I said, "Who de hell is dat?"

Why does he keep saying that?

I'd never heard... I didn't know who
you were, but me cousin said,

"You'd be as well being a Martin
Brennan impersonator in Sligo."

Nah! Because I'm never going
to go there.

You'd be welcome on the farm,

as long as you roll your sleeves
up, get your hands dirty.

Up the yards!

LAUGHTER

Who's that? That's my cousin.

He said he'd like to see you
on the farm.

You're man'd be feeding
turf to the sheep,

trying to get a pig to lay an egg.
No.

Milking the bulls. What?

I said you'd be trying to
milk the bulls.

Dirty get! Disgusting.
Ha-ha!

"Aha" - there's no aitch.

Ah, feck, I did the haitch again.
Aitch.

And I've not actually said
"aha" for years.

Yes, you have. When?

Trying to get into the
Johnnie Walker tent at Silverstone.

Only to prove who I was.
I'd lost my wrist band.

Still said it.

Well, Trevor and Martin,
thank you so much for joining us.

Good, now, I believe our intrepid
campaigners are arriving

into Downing Street to present
their police dog petition. Oh.

Let's have a look.
Awful hot in here.

Oh. Right, they're not there.
They've not got there.

There's a cat.

There's a cat.

Martin, are you having a nice time?
Grand.

I've not put my hand in my pocket
since I left.

And they paid me 500 pound.

So if any fool wants to pay
me 500 pound to jibber and jabber,
I'll take his money.

It's a standard fee, so...
I got something for you.

Ooh! Exciting.

Oooh, ooh, oh!
Look in there now.

Oh.

Ah! Uh? The name is there.

It's a... It's a tortoise.
His name is Alun.

Yeah, um, pretty sure these are illegal.

Where did you get it? Yeah, if
you want any more of those, you
come and see me.

She doesn't want any more.
She's asking where you got it.

I got a friend in County Kildare
does them.

Well, you talk to me.

Uh, well.

I think, sorry, if anyone's concerned

we will contact the RSPCA. Yeah.

But, lovely gesture.
Lovely Irish gesture.

Well, I'm afraid that's
all we've got time for tonight.

Now we couldn't let you go
without a little song. No.

Thank you anyway, but we've got

a great montage of police dogs
set to music.

We do indeed, yes.

♪ I love you as I never loved
before... ♪

You're going to ruin a slow-mo
sequence of Alsatians jumping up

and biting the arms of dog handlers,

set to Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran
Duran. It's great TV.

Come on lads, come on.

♪ Come to me... ♪

Please stop playing.

♪ Oh, my dream of love is o'er

♪ I love you as I loved you

♪ When you were sweet

♪ When you were

♪ Sweet sixteen... ♪

BODHRAN STRIKES UP

THEY SING: ♪ Come out ye
Black and Tan

♪ Come out and fight me like a man

♪ Show your wife how you won
medals down in Flanders

♪ Tell her how the IRA made you
run like hell away

♪ From the green
and lovely lanes of Killashandra

♪ Armoured cars and tanks and guns

♪ Came to take away our sons

♪ But every man just stand
behind the men behind the wire ♪

Come on, Simon!

♪ Armoured cars and tanks and guns

♪ Came to take away our sons

♪ But every man just stand
behind the men behind the WI-IRE! ♪

Ha, that was grand, then, yeah.
Mighty.

Yeah. Double-O fecking bollocks.

Oh, my God,
that was like a advert for the IRA.

Who are we going to blame? Find out
who booked them and sack her.