All language subtitles for Thegh.Schoolers.Guide.to.College.Parties.2015.BDRip.x264-VoMiT

You're a generation of lazy.

You haven't done anything
for yourself.

But I'm gonna teach you
how to do...

Chelsea...

Chels.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Mom and dad are outta town.

So you get me.

I don't need a babysitter.

Whatever.

Get ready for school.

Shaq...

This is the best vacation ever.

I can't believe you own
this whole island.

You have to be the hottest,

most successful,

smart and funny guy
I've ever met.

I'd do anything for you,
Shaquille Horowitz.

And I mean anything.

I'm here to save you

from yourself

now, in the comfort
of your home,

you can have...

"The winner's win, the
losers whine" seminar.

Leaders of men,
leaders of countries,

have taken the dynamic,
fantastic course.

"Winners win,
losers whine."

They've changed
the course of countries.

Winners win.

You're the man.
No...

No, you're the man.

Is that chest hair?

I think it might be.

I'm the only one in control.

I'm the only one in control.

I'm Wilford gates,

and I'm passionate
about your success.

Gates?

You wanna give me
the scholarship?

Shaq.

Uh, hey dad.

Hey. What...

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

Yeah, well, you look like

"honey, I shrunk
my accountant."

Look dad, in order
to be successful

one has to dress successful, so.

That depends on your
definition of success, really.

Well, speaking of that,
how's the job hunt going?

Oh, it's going...
It's going...

Cause, you know, just got
a couple of leads, but-...

I mean they're all-
you know, they're all

multi-national
corporations and things...

You know...
It's-— I can't-

that's not-

you know...
I mean seriously,

where are all the
locally-owned companies?

You know, like, family
business, you know.

Where are those things?

I can't...
I can't...

I mean, you know me,

when I'm... when I'm
looking at the...

And I see the-
I can't...

So I'm just...
I'm gonna keep looking.

Just keep-
you know, like...

That's a good plan.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty
good, pretty good.

I should go.

Yeah'? Oh yeah,
you got school.

- Good... cool. Go.
- See you later, dad.

Shaq, thanks. I'm glad
we had this talk.

You can't be
running around wearing skinny jeans,

having a haircut like
a bad dyke from the '80s,

you have to embrace change.

You have to embrace the new you.

Otherwise you're gonna end up
living under a bridge.

Do you wanna end up
living under a bridge?

'Cause that's where
you're headed,

unless you're ready
to be successful.

You can't become successful by hating
successful people. You have to embrace them.

You have to go out there, and
you have to get what you want.

You have to
live your life like you're...

Butt-faced again.

Woo-hoo.

Christ, you get a government
job I don't know about?

Uh, no, I have a meeting
with brew today.

Oh, yeah? Where at?

Cock in the box?
Cock fillet?

Kentucky fried cock?

McCockles?
McCockles, really?

Oh, I should've stopped
at cock in the box, huh?

Yeah. You need
to be nice to him.

Dude, the guy's
a cock gobbling tool

who thinks he's better
than everyone else.

- No, he's successful.
- Yeah, at gobbling cock.

Seriously, don't fuck this up for me.
Please? I really want this scholarship.

I thought you were going to community
college with me and Chelsea.

Well, I was, but that was before

I could afford to go to SMU.

With the scholarship,
I can afford to go to SMU.

Dude, I can afford it,
but you don't see me

running off
to some fancy college

to get with
a bunch of pod people

and leaving my friends.

You have a 1.75 GPA,

you're lucky
to get into community.

I don't test well.
And you know that.

Did you at least remember
to get the costume?

Yeah,
it's in the back. You?

Yeah. What's yours?

Oh, man.
It's a pussy magnet.

Wait till you see.

What the fuck?

Hey, I picked up a shift
this morning.

Can you take Sage to school?

Yeah, no problem.

Okay, don't let your retard
friend say anything

that's gonna scar her,
all right?

She's only 11.

They're not retarded.
Shell be fine.

Who's retarded?

Hey, sweetie, you need
to ride with Chelsea

to school today, okay?

What?

I don't wanna ride her
and her freak friends.

You don't have a choice, babe.

I can ride the bus.

Not in this neighborhood,
you can't.

We learned about
self-defense in gym class.

Testicles, throat, eyes.

You're riding with your sister today.
Deal with it.

But sideshow smells
like spoiled lunch meat.

Hey, this should go
without saying,

no smoking weed
with her in the car.

Weed? What is this
weed you speak of?

Seriously, a joint'?

It's like 8:30
in the morning.

All right, first of all,

it's medical.

I have anxiety issues
and you know that.

Whatever,
I just don't wanna smell

like that stuff all day.

Hey, is that Van Horn?

Yeah, I think so.

What's up fellas?

Whats up?

You bussing it'?

Yeah, uh, my car is in the shop

till this afternoon.
It's a long story.

Fucking stop sign
was behind a tree.

Nice mouth. What's up
with the Amber alert?

That's chin chin,
she's my girlfriend.

Chin chin, say hi to my friends.

Nice. Where'd you pick her up,
a "Harry Potter" book signing?

Man, fuck you, sha-queer.

She's hot as fuck, man.

And you're just jealous 'cause
the last time you felt vagina.

You were being born
out of your mother.

And that's disgusting.

Nice car.

- Thanks.
- Can I drive it?

- Uh, sure.
- No, no, you can't.

- What's the big deal?
- Megan's law.

We should really git going.

Okay, can we at least
get a ride? You got room.

Seriously?

Fuck you, sha-queer.
Fuck you, too.

He's a douche bag.

Dude, whoa.
Be cool.

I won't be cool,
he's a douche bag.

- Yeah, but you know he's...
- He's what?

- He's got the...
- What?

He's kinda...
He's handicapped.

What? So he gets
a free pass because of that?

That guy walks
around like he's king,

but he's really
just a douche bag.

And by the way, they don't
say, "handicapped,"

they say,
"physically challenged."

Are you sure? I think
handicapped is okay.

No, it's not okay.

- Th ey still call it "handicap parking."
- No, they don't.

What up. Peeps?

Shaq, can you
check out my printer?

Uh, sure.

You told Chels
to get Shaq out of the way

so we could be alone,
didn't you?

You know guys hit their
sexual peak at '18, right?

I'm sitting right here, moron.

I can understand every
skeezy word you say.

Sweetie, you understand

many, many more
words than Marion.

Marion?

It's sideshow.

The name's sideshow.

- Hey...
- Hey.

You.

Uh...

Scene of the crime.

- Yeah...
- That's nice.

Oh, my god.

I was, uh-I was
just messing around earlier.

Yeah...

Uh, so the printer
you wanted me to look at.

Yeah, I don't actually
have a printer.

No, you don't.

Jesus, Shaq.
It's me.

I know.

I'm Shaq.
Nice to meet you.

Are you gonna be a douche bag?

No.

Just...

So what do you wanna do?

I mean, we obviously
had a connection

the other night.

Right?

This is a good brand.

Um...

Chels, you're...
You're like my best friend,

and I wouldn't wanna ruin that.

So...

Fantastic.

Did you get that
off of like some big book

of cliche things assholes say?

Or... you just
came up with that.

Dick.

Chels, Shaq.
Let's go.

Oops. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

You know I'm so hot for you.

I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.

Ahh! What are you doing
with my underwear. You freak?

No, I thought it was Rebecca's.
It's not what it looks like.

- Chelsea!
- I thought it was Rebecca's!

- I thought-hey! No!
- Testicles, throat, eyes!

I didn't know they were hers,

what 11-year-old
wears a thong?

It's the 21 st century, pervert.

I'm not a pervert.

That's some pretty sick shit,

even for you, sideshow.

I thought they were Rebecca's.

He was sniffing them.

- Oh!
- I was not.

I'm burning them, you freak.

Okay, let me off here.
I don't wanna be seen

getting out a car
with two known pervs.

Two? No, no, no.
I'm not-he's the perv.

Tell it to Chris
Hansen, you freaks.

So, uh, how much for all this?

$5.50.

Hey, you...

You wanna see a picture
of my little girl?

Sure...

Ah, she's pretty.

Yeah, she's a child, you freak.

She's into rainbows
and unicorns, not your penis.

Lighten up kid,
I'm just fuckin' with you.

Unicorns...

Bag it up.

I got my eye on you.

So you're going for
the gate scholarship, huh?

Yeah. I was gonna tell
you this morning,

but it was kinda awkward between
us, so I didn't really know...

All of a sudden, he's too
good for community college.

I didn't say that. I
didn't... I didn't say that.

And that's why he's going to Bret-ps
little winter break costume party.

Wait, your cousin Brei I?

You're going to his party?

But you hate him.
He hates you.

I wouldn't really say
"hate" is the word.

You know, what?
Gates is gonna be there,

and it's my chance
to impress him.

Hey, retard. You parked
in a handicapped spot.

See? I told you
it was handicap.

Oh, you know, I didn't see it, man.
Wow.

Yeah, whatever,
sha-queer.

I should kick your
fucking ass right now.

Hey, hobbit.

You calling me cripple?

You're all talk.

I didn't say anything.

Yeah, you did.

That's why I'm getting
the gates scholarship

and you're gonna be homeless

giving hand jobs under a bridge.

Now, move your car.

Well... it is
illegally parked.

Move it.

Dick beater.

Dude, I forgot
my gym shorts again.

- Coach.
- Shit.

So are we cool?

Because this morning
was kinda awkward.

Yeah...
Totally.

BFF.

Dude, what'd you do
to my dad's pants?

Shorts, dude.
Check it out.

No, they're my dad's pants.

I know, you said that.

Why didn't you
just cut your own pants?

Dude, I'm not cutting these,

they're my favorite jeans.

I can't cut these.

Wow, Chels. Those two have
done a lot of growing up.

Okay, but for the record, I said that
Shaq had done a lot of growing up.

Aww. Have we stepped
into Crushville?

Who are you texting?

Oh, just a guy.

You made out with
Shaquille, didn't you?

- Wait, what guy?
- Just someone.

Oh, you got
Shaq-adelic, didn't you'?

Whatever. It was probably
a mistake, anyway.

So what's his name'?

Um...

- God, for fuck's sake. Give me that.
- Stop!

Oh!

- Stop it!
- He's just so hot.

That is so. So,
so not cool.

Why are you keeping
this guy a secret?

It sounds kinda hot.

He is, he's really sweet.

So what's his name'?

Uh, his names Hayden.

Hayden? We don't know
any Haydens, do we?

How long have you been dating?

- Well...
- Well... what?

How long?

Well, we like, text everyday.

Please tell me that you've like,

actually seen this guy
in person, right?

We send pics too.

Jesus...

You know, what? You two have set
our gender back like 20 years

with your little
pseudo relationships.

Awesome.

I sent him a video once too.

Okay, wow. Like you've
never met him in person?

Shut up, you made out with Shaq.

Word.

That's why I think
we should open up

our medical marijuana
retail store.

What'? Think about it.

I know about weed,

and you know
about business stuff.

But coach NUTHERCUT,
isn't he like 30?

Yeah, well,
she is a cheerleader.

I guess the teenage cock
isn't doing it for her.

Speaking of which,
I heard that she is deformed

- in that ar ea.
- What?

Sideshow told me
that Eric told him

that my cousin, Dane...

Dane, from like
dead hooker surprise?

That's the one.
So anyway,

he was like making out with her

and he says that
she has oversized...

An oversized what?

You know...

Eww!

But apparently the hose monkey

does have a talent
for fellatio though.

Oh, I totally respect her now.

Well, what makes her
blow-jobs so great?

I don't know,
maybe the E.T. Bitch

has two heads
like "alien."

Oh, my god.

I would love to make
a cheerleader Popsicle

out of that.

How many licks would it take

to get to the center
of a cheerleader?

Look at that ass.

- That ls an...
- Oh...

Shaquille!
Marion!

Why aren't you
two participating?

- I'm anemic, a little weak.
- I have asthma.

Son, what in the hell
are you wearing?

Shorts, sir.

You look like goddamn
huckleberry hound.

And those aren't shorts.

Actually, shorts are just pants

that you chop off
at the leg, coach.

Precision, granted, but I mean, It's...
- Shaquille!

Shut up!

Son, you're named after
a goddamn sports legend.

And look at you.

Why can't you two be more
like Van Horn over here?

He's dragging himself around.

That silly walk.

Arm all funky.

But you know what?

He doesn't let it stop him
from trying to succeed.

And you two...

Fake asthma.

Anemia. You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Goddamn ashamed.

Hit the track.

Now!

So, do you guys like, think that guys
even care that much about blow-jobs?

You're fucking
kidding me, right?

Yeah, I'm kidding.

Wait, you've never
done it, have you?

- Okay, well, I have sort of.
- Sort of?

I think you'd know if you
had a dick in your mouth.

Okay, well, I've never done it.

So I just want to be good at it

whenever it does happen to me.

Okay.

Come here.

What?

Come on, don't be a prude.

This is purely educational.

Come on.

So dance your tongue
around the tip.

Like a dainty ballerina.

Like this?

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Now put your lips around
your teeth like this.

And that way you don't bite it.

- Okay?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Now, put it in your mouth,

and go as far down the
shaft as you possibly can.

You like
the smell of that? Yeah?

- It's like sweaty socks and bleach and fish and...
- Aww!

Oh, like, this isn't something

that you don't do every day?

Whatever.

You freaks are the ones in here

making out
with a piece of fruit.

Don't think
this won't get around.

You're a joke.

Everybody already
thinks your air band...

Is pathetic as fuck.

- Hey, we're not just an air band-
- that... hold on.

You know, what? You have fucked the
majority of the athletic department

and you're currently
working your way

through third string
junior varsity.

You skanks just wish
you could get laid.

Fact is, nobody
wants anything to do

with a dyke air band.

Look, I know you can't
help what happened

between you and your stepfather

when you were like 13, Lolita,

but for the love of baby Jesus,

keep the whisker biscuit
in your pants.

Yeah, I mean,
some people are saying

that your oversized lips

are scaring some guys for life.

Attention students.

I'd like to personally announce

that we are dedicating

the east side of the cafeteria

to memory of Jose Jimenez.

Jose was a great student,

and a great friend to many.

And although I had
hardly knew he was,

I'm sure he hung out with the other
Mexican-American students at our school.

Where do you think you're going?

And where are
your spirit ribbons?

Listen up, you ungrateful freak.

You think it's easy

trotting around
in this tiny uniform

in a school filled
with geeks, freaks,

and future sex offenders?

Now...

You're gonna put
on a spirit ribbon,

and act like you care
about the game.

- Hey.
- Aren't you supposed to be in school?

It's lunch time.

Hey, Brett.

Oh. If it isn't
Shaquille.

Shaquille o'white guy.

Yeah, that's awesome.

So do you guys like call
each other up every morning

and decide what to wear?

Listen, Shrek.

If I wanted to hear you speak,

I would've acknowledged
your presence.

Side, why don't you
go order something.

Let the men talk.

Whatever.

Why don't you try a mouthful
of your uncle's cock?

I hear it's a childhood
favorite of yours.

I just want to thank you
for the opportunity...

- You know, I'm honored...
- Save it.

I'm doing it as
a favor for my dad.

I still think you're
a fucking outcast.

You're not one of us.

Look, I've changed, okay'?

I'm-I'm going to evolve
and I've decided

that I wanna be
successful like you.

Now, hold on. Before
you get all emotional,

and earnest
on us, Dr. Phil.

I should tell you.

The party's been cancelled.

No... no, no, no.

Why?

Well, if you must know.

My parents
are fumigating the house

for termites this weekend.

So, no location, no party.

No party, no Brett.

No Brett, no gates.

Sorry.

Wait, um, we could
have it at my house.

Your house is shithole.

It is a shithole.
Umm...

Sideshow's... we could
have it at sideshow's-

sideshow has a fantastic house

and his parents are going
to be gone for the weekend.

- No shit?
- No shit.

Are you sure you can pull
off a college party?

I don't want a bunch of
warcraft, halo playin' virgins,

standing around
eating chips and dip

scaring off all
the symmetrical tail.

- You understand?
- I do. I do.

And you don't have
anything to worry about

because I have thrown

quite a few badass parties.

- No high school kids.
- None.

None. No worries.
I got it.

Well, you should get to work

run along then.

I'm gonna go.
Gonna go.

I would totally rub your feet.

In fact, put 'em up here.

Never think about my feet, okay?

Hey, let's go.

- I'm eating pie.
- Forget about your pie.

Shaq. Hi...

Rebecca...
It was good.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, can we stop
by my friend's house?

I gotta pick something
up real quick.

What friend?

Um...
Just a guy.

Wait, wait,
no, no, no, no, no...

Dude, dude, calm down.

- Don't be such a "Debbie downer"
- I'm a "Debbie downer"

because I don't want
a drug deal on my record.

I can't get into college
with a drug deal on my record.

A drug deal'? What are
you talking about?

Drug deal?
This isn't "Miami vice."

I'm not going to buy ten keys
of coke from Tony Montana,

all right?

This is rover.
He's cool.

Sonny Crockett is "Miami vice,"

Tony Montana
is "Scarface."

You really should know this

- you're a dude.
- Okay, whatever. The point is,

I'm going in there
to buy some weed, okay?

Personal use,
saw it on the news,

it's perfectly legal.
Medical marijuana.

Oh yeah, first off,
you're an idiot.

Second off, you need a prescription
for medical marijuana,

which you don't have,
and even if you did,

you can't buy it from
some guy named rover,

you need to buy it from
a licensed facility.

Okay, well, it's almost legal.

No, it's not.

Okay, and hey, don't be asking

any of your weird
fucking questions.

What weird questions?

You're like MONTEL Williams
when you meet somebody.

Just sit there and shut up.

No, no, I make small talk.

I'm good at it.

Okay, well, no.
People think it's weird.

Just don't do it.

Hey, rover!

What the fuck?

Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck is he?

Hey, rover.
What's going on, man?

Fuck how it's going,
and what's going on.

Who the fuck is this
little motherfucker.

Dude, don't worry, he's a
friend of mine, he's cool.

I'll decide who's fucking cool,

now who the fuck are you?

- I said, he's a friend of mine.
- Shh.

- His names Shaq.
- Did I ask you?

I asked him. What the
fuck is wrong with him?

He can't talk?
You can't talk?

You some kind of
mute or something?

Or are you an undercover cop?

Huh?

Observe and report,
is that your thing?

I'm not a cop.
He told me not to talk.

- He...
- What?

Why would you tell him
not to fucking talk?

It's no big deal, man,
I just didn't want him to say

anything to freak you out.

What is this guy liable to say

that's gonna be fucking
freaking me out, man?

I'll tell you what.

He's freaking me out right now,

and he ain't saying shit.

Creepy-eyed motherfucker.

I got my eye on you, columbine.

All right.

Come on.

I told you, it's like a nest
for retards, this house.

Huh?

- Let's party!
- All right.

- Let's do it!
- Yes.

This is some
top-level shit.

None of that
ghetto-ass dirt weed

them Julios be trying to push.

This...

Is premium velvet.

More THC per ounce

than any other weed
on the motherfucking planet.

Now...

I call it the equalizer

because I don't care
who you are.

Be it the janitor,

or the president
of the United States

of the motherfucking world.

When you smoke this shit,

you're all gonna
be on the same level.

Laying on the floor,

staring at the ceilings.

Not thinking about
a motherfucking thing.

Hey!

Shit.
This weed might make

your ol' creepy eyes
over here even cooler.

Why do you keep saying that?

I'm not creepy.

I'm not.

Oh, you're creepy, all right.

But hey, I mean,
I'm cool with it.

I don't cast dispersions.

Now, make no mistake, about it,

you're a creepy little fucker.

This is $250.

Are you crazy? We can't throw
a party at my parents' house,

- they'll kill me.
- Come on, we're lucky.

You know, 'cause they're gonna be
out of town, they'll never know.

Dude, you don't know
how to throw

a high school party,
let alone a college party.

What, are you kidding? You remember the
halo pajama jammy jam? It was legendary.

These are college people,

they're not like
normal people, all right?

College girls have expectations.

That's why I have this.

- What's this?
- It's a cheat sheet.

A guide, if you will,
to throwing a college party.

It's blank.

Okay, I haven't had time
to fill it in yet.

So what are some things we're gonna
need to throw a college party?

- I don't know.
- Aw, come on, man. Think about this.

Come on, get-

we've seen a lot of these movies

about you know, parties,
college chicks.

Like what... what do
they have in those,

that we don't have that
we need to put into this?

Beer. Kegs of beer.

Kegs of beer.

See, it's easy.

Good-
kegs of beer... yes!

Shaquille Horowitz,
we need to talk.

I hear you're th rowing a party.

I know you're throwing
a party and I wanna go.

I have to go.
I'm popular. Got it?

I can make it worth your while.

Or I can make it a nightmare.

Your call, loser.

See you tonight, fellas.

So, do you think I wouldn't
ask you again, slutster?

Shaq?

There's not really
anything to tell.

Okay, lie.

Hey, did you guys know that sideshows
having a costume party tonight?

- Sideshow's having a party?
- Yeah.

Wait, our sideshow'?

Like the Shrek-looking
blockhead?

Yeah, that's what Hayden says.

That's can't be right.

'Sup ladies.

Hey, Chelsea.

So what's this
I hear about a party'?

Huh? What?

How does everybody
know about that?

So it's true?

Uh, yeah.

Um, actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

Okay. What did
you want to ask me?

Uh... this is kinda awkward
'cause of this morning.

And all but um,
I was gonna ask you

if maybe you'd, um...

Yes! Yes,
of course I will.

Wow. Wow!

Gee, this is great.

I actually didn't know
how I was gonna get a keg.

I remember that
you and your sister...

You have your sisters ID.

I thought you were gonna say no.

Yeah, of course. You can't
have a party without a keg.

Right?

I know. You can't.

You are so cool.

Yeah, Chelsea, I mean...

You are so cool!

So let us go forth
and get a keg.

- Yeah?
- Let's.

You, me...

So, what are gonna
be for the party tonight?

I don't know.

I'm thinking about being
a slutty German barmaid.

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year ♪

♪ With tidings we bring... ♪

- What up, my Rasta brotha?
- I'm not your brother.

And don't be giving me that
island Rasta bullshit, white boy.

Where's the bathroom'?

It's for employees only.

So buy something or leave.

- Hello.
- What do you want?

I would like to purchase
this beef stick,

this energy shot...

I'm working the graveyard shift.

Ah, this...
What is this?

Lemon, lime. Delicious.

Uh, fried pie...

This adorable cupcake, and...

And a keg of beer.

Not-not-
not for me.

It's for my husband.

It's his turn to bring the
beer for the union...

Meeting.

Uh, yeah.
The union.

Uh, local steelworker 896.

Uh, got a lot of meetings.

Lot of negotiations,
big vote coming up.

Yeah...

You know, there's
talk of strike.

- Yeah...
- You know, uh...

Jimmy Hoffa's actually talking

about making big changes,

but I don't think it's gonna
set well with the mob-

you know, honey,
we shouldn't-

we shouldn't bore
this poor gentleman

with your boring union talk.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

It'll be $63.50.

Great, you wanna get this one...

Honey?

- I do.
- Sweetie, sweetie bear.

With my wallet.

- And the money.
- Yeah.

- For the keg of beer we are purchasing.
- Yep.

At the tone,
please record your message.

- - Hey cock
wizard, it's Brett again.

You remember me, right?

The head of the
scholarship committee.

Yeah, you know, where your
whole futures riding on?

Yeah. Yeah, me again.
Don't fuck it up.

So, uh, I think we made
a pretty good team in there.

Well, I know three
very hot chicks

that are going
to a wicked costume party.

Yeah...
Um, about that.

What about that'?

Well, it's not really
my party per Se. So...

Yeah, whatever, dickwad.
We're coming.

Yeah, I'm gonna be
a slutty German barmaid.

Dude, I gotta piss.

Now?

Classy...

Well, you see,

it's a funny thing.

I have all six ID's,

but there only seems
to be five of you.

Now why do you suppose
that would be?

Perhaps, because the only ID

belonging to anyone
over 21 years of age

isn't here.

We're really sorry.

Shut your mouth,
Mr. Manson.

Don't think I'm not
onto your little cult.

You think you're gonna
have a crime spree

in my neighborhood
and get away with it?

- Crime spree'?
- Well, let's see...

Well, we got one act
of indecent exposure,

coupled with vandalism.

And since Mr. Motomol said you
referred to him as an island brother.

Which I can only surmise

is a slur against his ethnicity,

that makes it a hate crime.

One count of fraud,

one count of
presenting a false ID

in an attempt to commit a crime.

Various vehicle
violations that I'm sure

by the looks of that heap.

As well as the Mann act
for you, Mr. Manson.

Mann act?

Get your hands on your head.

I'm right behind you, boy.

I got my hand on my gun.

The Mann act.

Whoever knowingly transports
any woman or girl

for the purpose of debauchery,

or any other immoral purpose.

I hope you hadn't
had anything planned

for the next 25 years.

- Hey, dad.
- Oh, hey, baby.

How are you?

What did these guys do?

Well, they tried to buy beer.

The fat one exposed himself.

Hey, look with your head-
hey, look ahead!

He's a little smurf.

Well, Van Horn says
your good people.

So I'm gonna cut you a break.

But I have to confiscate
the beer though.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

You know, you should try to be
more like Van Horn over there.

He's a goddamn inspiration.

Hey, I just wanna say thanks for
helping us with the cop back there.

Fuck you, man.

I did it for the party.

I still think
you're a faggot.

- Can you believe... -i can't believe
we're not in jail right now.

Or we didn't have a serious
accident with a nightstick.

Hold it, one second.

Um, hey, brew.

It's Brett'.

Uh...

Hey, sticky buns.
Yeah...

Hey, you got a band
lined up. Right?

Of course I have a band
lined up for the party.

Mm, I hope so.

I hate to see that
scholarship get taken away.

Okay. Um...

All right, see you tonight, bud.

Uh, deuces to you, as well.

Okay...
Oh, he hung up.

I know a great band.

Oh, do you?

The only band you need to know

is the Brei I penis band, okay?

Um...

Chelsea, I have a really
huge favor to ask you.

Okay, dude,
I forgive for everything.

Of course the bitchin'
daisies will play

for your party tonight.
I love you.

I mean...
Like- I...

The thing is,
I love your band...

The bitchin' daisies
are awesome.

But...

Brett really wants
Dane's band to play.

So...

Oh...

Yeah...

You know, we're not really ready
to play a gig yet, anyway.

I was just... I was just
trying to help you out.

You were...

Dane! Dead hooker surprise.

Dane. Yeah.

You know, I don't know that
they would play a house party.

I was thinking that

but I figured
since you're his cousin.

You'd talk to him.
Talk him into it.

Sure.

I could do that.

It would mean a lot to me.

No problem,

I mean that's what
friends are for, right?

Well... wow.
Yes.

Um, you're the best.
You know that.

And um, you know, I'm like
your band's biggest fan.

- I think so.
- Really?

Cool, 'cause I'm pretty sure
you've never like heard us play.

Funny how that worked out.

Okay. All right.

Chelsea, this is your sister.

We need to talk.

Sorry, folks, I don't
handle novelty acts.

Uh, what'?

The whole eclectic
nerd thing has passed

kids want mopey, sad,
vampire, "twilight" stuff.

I- were not
actually in a band.

We're here about a band.

Oh, really? Well, I
like the sound of that.

What's it for?

A huge party.
Tons of hot college chicks.

Yeah? Yeah?
What band are you looking for?

Dead hooker surprise.

Ahh.

DHS.
A good choice.

And one of my top acts.

No way they're
doing the party though.

They're way too big for that.

And besides, they're
recording an album, so...

No live performances.

Ahem, um, I didn't
wanna actually say this but...

She's the cousin
of the bass player.

Hey, everyone is someones cousin.
Okay. Skippy?

And bass players
are temporary at best.

Hardly part of the band at all.

Now perhaps you'd prefer
one of my other bands.

How about pants on to the beast?

Uh, baby bat-fer, nigga please,
dead bed, Lance Boyle,

and one
of my personal favorites,

ass gasket.

Well, we really need
dead hooker surprise.

We kinda promised
that we could get them.

Ah! That was really
stupid, wasn't it?

Dumb.

- Hey, Chelsea.
- Dane.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Hey, Dane, how's it going?

Hey, I love that new sound
you come up with, man.

Great stuff.

I haven't seen you forever.

How are Sage and Rebecca?

They're great.
Were great.

- Becca still keeping you in line?
- Trying.

Nice. Hey, anything you
need, just let me know.

Well, actually,
that's why were here.

I was kinda hoping you guys

could play a party
for me, tonight.

Crazy, huh?

I told them you're way too big
for that sort of nonsense.

It's really important,

it would help me
out of a major bind.

- Tonight?
- Yeah, sorry it's such short notice.

Really.

You know what? We were
supposed to do rehearsal.

But I'll just tell the
other guys we have a gig.

Really? Thank you,
that is so awesome.

Sow of a bitch.

Hey, I heard the lambda omegas

have bikini models in these baby
pools full of whipped cream.

Lambda omegas are gay.

Now that's just
what I'm talking about

you know why they're gay?

Why?

'Cause they have no originality.

We're gonna use...

Jell-o.

Jell-o?

Yeah. Jell-o.

He's got brains.

That's gross.

Did I tell you to stop?

I...

I really owe you one.

Yeah, you do.

- I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna go.

Hey, sha-queer.
Yeah, it's Brei l.

Word is you're fucking up, okay?

Get the beer,
stop fucking around.

I don't wanna have to tell gates

that you're bitch ass can't
fucking man up and get the beer.

So call me back with some
good news, all right'?

Is it supposed to be this soft?

Fuck the Diaz brothers,
I'll bury...

What the fuck?
What are you two doing here?

You know this is
my relaxation time.

I know, sorry to bother you.

But this is really important.

How could you
bring him here again?

You know he creeps me out.

We're not here to buy drugs.

So...

Drugs?

Why would you even say that?

That's it.
Lose your clothes.

If you're wearing a wire, I
swear to god-

no no no no no, I'm not.

We're just here
about a beer keg.

We would like some beer keg.

- Kegs of beer?
- Yeah.

- For what?
- Party we're throwing

what kind of party?

Dude, a badass party.

Yes.

There gonna be girls there?

College girls.

Coeds, bro.

Will you come look at my ass.

I think this thong
is giving me a rash.

Or like...
I don't...

Baby, can you not see that I'm
trying to do business over here.

You know, I might be
allergic to your dick.

Just say it.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

I'll take care of that.

You hear that?

Oh no, I don't hear anything.

Helicopters, man.
You don't hear that?

I don't hear any-

fucking feds.

Fuck!

They use those silent
military helicopters now.

But I can hear them.

You guys gotta go.

- Yeah, we should go.
- Okay.

Get them outta here.

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.

Shit.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Uh, rover?

He's kind of a lunatic.

Yeah, but he's buying us
beer though.

We'll see.

You can't be serious.

Oh, what's...
What's this?

What is that? It looks
like a fucking dress.

Dude, it's a slip.

It's Freudian slip.

I've got the terms,
the ego, libido,

some big word...
It's smart.

Oh...

I don't get it.

Um, smart people will get it.

College people.

So you won't have
to worry about it.

Really, though?
A priest?

I mean, who wants
to party with a priest.

What?

Catholic school girls.

Strip club, really?
You took me to a strip club?

What, are we gonna
find a girl willing

to jell-o wrestle
at the mall?

I was hoping that we would.

- I'm... okay, I'm starting to panic.
- Oh, my...

All right, calm down.
Calm down.

We just need to pick up
one of these girls. All right?

Where they... oh, that one
is perfect, right there.

- Right there?
- Yes.

- That's a cop.
- What?

That is a cop. I will not
do time for a stripper.

You know how I feel about time.

I couldn't even get through
the first season of "OZ."

- Okay.
- I will not be Beecher.

Get out of the car.

It's like crazy.

Hi. Excuse me, miss.

What the fuck do you want, huh?

Uh... I was
just wondering...

Are you an employee
of this establishment?

Are you asking
if I'm a stripper?

Are you'?

I'm gonna have
to call you back, okay?

Ahem, look, little freaky boy,

I'm not gonna blow you
and your priest friend here,

okay'? Why don't you
run along, okay?

- That's not...
- No, no.

We were just wondering,
if maybe you know...

- You and... - hey, what the
fuck, man, ls some on here?

Nothing, man, is...

Were you going
to blow these guys?

- No... no, no, no.
Santos, por favor.

Don't start, okay? Don't
start your shit! Huh?

Are these your regulars, huh?

Is this the guy
you've been texting?

- No, no texting.
- No, no. No...

- We don't text.
- What if it is, huh?

I can text whoever I want,
whenever I want, huh'?

- Oh, really?
- We are th rough, Santos. We're through!

Fucking cut this guy!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dude, guys. Hey, guys!
- Hey... hey...

- Dude, wait! Relax, relax!
- Santos, you're not gonna cut anybody, okay?

- Why don't you put it away?
- We don't want any trouble, man.

Yous got trouble, boy!

You think I'm going
to let you sex text her

with your sex texting
fingers, motherfucker?

I am not your woman
anymore, okay?

I am not your woman.

What do you mean?

Of course you are!

Ugh! You really are
an idiot! God-

- where the fuck do you think you're going?
- Let go of me!

- Hey hey hey!
- Let go of me! Lit go of me!

- If yous fucking touch
me, asshole... -Oh.

Santa Maria PURISIMA,
swear to you!

- Hey, calm down.
- I'll fucking cut you!

Who the fuck
do you think you are?

Huh?

Who the fuck
do you think you are?

Maria, please!

- I wouldn't touch you anyway...
- Oh, really? Oh, really?

You know, what'?
I fucked them both!

Huh? What are you
gonna about that.

It's fucking over!

Did you?

Shit!

Fuck you!

It's over, motherfucker!

Fuck!

Maria!

Come here!

You know, what?
Screw those idiots.

We're way better
than their Shitty party.

Better than
dead hooker surprise?

Uh, yeah.
They're has-beens.

Yeah, aren't they like 30?

Has-beens, huh?

Yeah, look, we ladies
are the hot new things.

And we don't play
any lame poser parties.

And that party represents
everything that we hate.

Yeah, like I wanna see Shaq
kissing Brett's ass all night?

Wait. We're still going
to the party, right?

Chelsea's not going
to any parties.

What?
Did you not think

I'd hear about your
run-in with the law'?

It was not
a big deal. Really.

Trying to buy beer in the middle
of the day, with a stolen ID?

Sounds like a substance
abuse problem to me.

A substance abuse problem?

Seriously?

It was just beer.

It was a whole keg.

Some of us can handle
a couple of drinks.

You know, what?

I'm not having this
conversations with you.

- You're grounded.
- What?

No, you can't do that.

Dad left me in charge.

Since when does dad give a shit

about what any of us do?

You want me to call him?

'Cause I can.

Or you can cell him.

You want to'?
I'm sure he'd love

to have this business
trip interrupted

and hear all about
your crime spree.

Want to?

No'?

Didn't think so.

So does this mean

we're not going
to the party tonight?

Oh, no. We're going
to the party.

Come on, Bridget.
Let's get some cute costumes.

We are so getting laid tonight.

Hey, this is a college party.

We gotta show some maturity.

I love your band, it rocks!

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

My dick is so heavy right now.

Look at this!

Oh!

Hello.

- How are you doing?
- Yes, okay.

Are you okay?

No! I suck
at everything.

You were like "miss
everything" in high school.

I know, right?

I was like a celebrity
in high school.

In college it's like
I don't even matter.

It's like people treat me
like I'm a regular person.

You were-are like,
the hottest girl

that ever went to our school.

I masturbate to your
yearbook picture every day.

Really?

In fact, every guy I know
wanted to tap that ass.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

That is the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.

Do I look fat?

What?

My mom says everyone gains
weight their freshman year.

That's crazy.
You look awesome.

Why do all the guys
say I'm crazy?

Hey! Huh?
The party's looking wicked!

- Did you feel my abs there'?
- Yeah...

Uh, you ladies need some drinks?

- Yes, please.
- Okay.

Oh, no.
They'll get 'em.

- Oh, yeah...
- So you're impressing me, little man.

- Growing up...
- Hey, thanks, thanks.

Uh, hey, are you gonna put in a good
word for me with gates now for...

Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, what? The alum judge
should be here any minute.

Okay, so what do I say?
Do I have a speech prepared?

'Cause I mean,
I have one-

chest bump!

So are you like a brew?

Um, well, yeah, kinda...

His names Shaquille.

OMG!

Are you like, related
to Shaquille O'Neal?

Uh, yeah...

I'm not wearing any panties.

Look at my little friend here.

Coming over
to the hetero side I see.

So is this your party?

It's ah...
It's my party.

I party party.
I fight for my right.

So um...

How come I haven't
seen you around campus?

It's kinda complicated.

He's still in high school.

Well, if you're throwing parties
like this already,

you are going to be
a maniac in college.

So are you gonna
show me around, or what?

- Um, yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Hey, I hate to break up
this touching moment,

but where do we set up'?

Dane, Dane.

Out by the pool, man.
Out in the back.

- Outside'?
- Yeah. That's awesome.

- Awesome.
- Great Dane.

Come on.

I'll hang out with you,
just give me one sec.

I promise, I'll be right there.

You...

Hey, sideshow.

- Yep.
- Come here.

Hey. Um.

Could you help the band
set up in the back?

- Yeah.
- Also...

Keep the lead singer away
from drugs and alcohol.

No drugs?

No alcohol.

Seriously.
- Gotcha.

So what's up, man'?

- Hey!
- Hey.

What? Mommy and daddy
are outta town for the weekend?

- That's good.
- What do you mean exposed himself to the maid?

Okay, here's the thing.
This is shit, all right?

I'm just saying, it's way
beneath my number one act.

It's a house party.
What'd you expect?

Was he hard or was he flaccid?

Yes it makes a big difference.

Hard shows intent.
Flaccid is clearly an accident.

All right.
Here's the scoop.

Um, the lead singer,
just got out of rehab,

he's got a little bit
of a alcohol problem.

So no booze.
Uh, you following me?

Yeah, no alcohol.
Got it.

Isn't that what
"do not disturb" means?

And drugs.
A bit of a problem too.

Powders, pills,

anything he can get
his hands on, he'll do it.

So keep the medicine
cabinets cleared.

Okay, no-
no drugs. Got it.

Oh, and girls.

Bit of a sexual addiction
as well.

No sex, drugs or alcohol?

And don't mention it to him,

he's a bit sensitive
about it also.

Mum's the word.
Cool?

- Mum's cool.
- Okay, I gotta get out-fa here.

I got the banana shits
opening for huffing paint

tonight at the wagon wheel.

And those fuckers are always
trying to skim the door.

What'? Can they prove
it was semen?

Yes, semen is Latin for sperm.

That's a fact!

Oh, hey. Thank you so much
for showing up.

Where do we set up, huh?

Uh...

Right there.

Yep. Oh, shit.
Look who it is.

Boys, it's the party master
himself, huh'?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, you're really starting
to impress us.

True that. I haven't wanted
to punch you all night

why would you wanna punch me?

I don't know.

Something about you face,

I just wanna fucking punch it.

Now no need to dwell
on the past.

The important thing is

he doesn't wanna
punch you anymore.

Now, hold on,
hold on, hold on...

At this moment
I don't wanna punch ya.

Who knows what
the future may hold.

See'? Now that's
what I'm talking about.

Progress, huh? You're
starting to become one of us.

Bretts, I really...
I appreciate it.

- We like you. In a hetero way.
- Kinda...

I'm almost starting
to feel bad here,

I always kinda pegged you
as a "gay."

You're not the only one.

Oh... I'm not...
I'm not gay.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

♪ we get the bitches
to drop those... ♪

♪ britches. ♪

Yeah.

That's how we do.

It's Van Horn.
Trying to get some play.

Holy shit,
what's he doing there?

Is that the pikachu dance or...

I thought you guys
liked Van Horn?

He's a freak.

But he's a funny little
shit though, watch this.

Hey, Van Horn! Get your
little ass over here, buddy.

Come on, come on, come on...

Woo!

You know, we were just
admiring your moves from afar.

- God. Yeah.
- Really?

Yeah. Why don't you
show us what you got?

- Huh'?
- Okay.

Go Van Horn, go Van Horn, go!

Go Van Horn, go Van Horn, go!

What the fuck
is wrong with you guys?

Oh, shut up carpet muncher.

Go back to your coven.

Fuck you, douche toaster.

Whatever, come on, boys.

Uh...
Chelsea!

Dude, what happened?

You don't wanna know.

Well, there's a little
issue with the band.

The spice was flow,
the spice was flow.

What is this?

Nothing, we just
smoked a little weed.

What part of no drugs
don't you understand?

It's weed, it's not a drug.

- This...
- The spice was flow...

This is more than just weed.

- The spice was flow...
- Rover said it was pretty strong.

Did he go to the bathroom?

- Yeah.
- Alone?

Well, I wasn't gonna
watch the dude piss.

Ah, that's great because
now he's not gonna be able

to perform tonight.

Dude, just let him calm down
a little bit.

He'll be fine.

- You really screwed me on this.
- What did I do?

This! You had to get
him high, didn't you?

He used his rock star
charm on me.

I couldn't say no to the guy.

In fact, now I understand how
all those women get tricked.

Well, that's fantastic.

That's really fantastic.
Because now we have no band.

Brei I 's gonna freak. Probably
not gonna introduce me to gates.

What so if you don't get into some
prissy college, it's my fault?

You know, fuck Brei I and all
his clone ass friends anyway.

No no no no no.
Bretts going places.

He's got his eyes
on the future, all right?

He's gonna be successful.

What do you have
your eyes on, huh?

What? Your next
big bong purchase?

What about us going
into business together, huh?

That's looking
towards the future.

What future? What business?
All right?

You just have a bunch of
stupid ideas you cram together

and you can't commit to one.

- That's not exactly a plan.
- But it's just a matter of time.

Maybe if you put a little more
energy into some of this.

Instead of kissing ass to all
these douche nozzles.

Then we could've come up
with something by now.

I see what this is. You're just jealous.
You're jealous, all right?

'Cause you don't want me
to succeed with those people

because you don't
wanna wake up one day

and just find out
you're a loser.

You know, what? Good luck
with your new friends.

- 'Cause I'm done helping you.
- That's fine!

'Cause you help
is just an anchor

dragging me down
to retard central.

Hey, where the fuck is the band?

Uh, you know musicians...

Never on time.

I'm on it.

Okay, so there's this chick

in this like
little angel outfit,

and she's totally hot.

Yeah, no. I totally saw her.
She is hot.

What do I do'?

I don't know, just talk to her.

"Just talk to her."
Like I can't...

I can't just talk to her.

I mean, why would you
even wanna talk to me?

You shouldn't even know me.

Well, because you're hot.
And you're cool.

Yeah, I would like you
Bridget if I was... her.

Yeah, hey, girls.
How's it going?

Hey, Judas.

Oh, if you're wondering if we'd seen
your soul lying around somewhere.

The answer ls nope.

Wow. Okay. I don't know where
that's coming from but okay.

Fuck, really?
Like really? Seriously?

I mean, like you lost your brain
and your soul all in the same day.

It's rather unfortunate, brah.

Okay, Bridget. I will be
taking this from you.

Chels, um...

I...

you want me to...

Play music tonight.

My band?

That I offered to you?

Aw, Chels, fuck the details.

This is our chance to play.

For actual people.

For them.

I'll do this for them.

Not for you.

We're gonna play music!
For actual people!

Wait... we're gonna play
music for actual people?

Are you nervous?

No.

Yeah. I'm terrified.
Aren't you?

Text me back, stupid.

Easy there, Tara Reid.

Well, he texted me,
and then I texted him back.

- And now he's like completely not
even responding" - okay, Alexa.

You need to stop
freaking out, okay?

We're about to play some music.

What if we suck?

We're not going to.
We've been telling everybody

how we're not just
an air band for like ever.

Don't you wanna
prove them wrong?

- Yeah, let's go out there and kick some ass.
- Good attitude.

Hayden?

Cheater!

Oh, okay. In all fairness. You
two weren't dating for real.

Mean!

It's your problem.

Hey, where're they going?

What do you want?

I just wanna say thank you.

Thank you.

Seriously, no ulterior motives.

- I just...
- You're kidding me.

- I'm serious, Chelsea.
- No fucking way.

It's Rebecca.

Rebecca's here. And she's drinking...
Whiskey.

Oh, whoa whoa whoa, no no no.

We're having a good night.
It's a party night.

You don't know whiskey Rebecca.

She's evil.

Hold on.

Restroomo El Occupado.

Wait a second, I know you.

You're Chelsea's sexy
older sister, aren't you?

You're not one
of her lame friends, right?

Who me?
Fuck no!

I'm not one of those freaks.

I'm a motherfucking Brett.

Good.

So are you drunk?

I'm not drunk.

That's too bad.

I'm a fan of the drunk girl.

I used to be a drunk girl.

You'll be my drunk girl?

- Yeah, I like to drink.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you wanna party?

Yep, you wanna party with me?

- Yeah'?
- Yeah.

Party with me right now.

- Let's party right now.
- Now.

Now.
Yeah, let's party now.

- You wanna do it, now?
- Let's do it now.

- Let's do it.
- Let's party.

- I'm gonna do it now.
- Let's do it now.

- Let's do it.
- Let's party.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, light this motherfucker
up then, biatch!

- Hey, Shaq.
- Hey...

Where's the band'?
Better not fuck this up.

Gates will be here any minute.

Oh. Don't
even sweat it, Brei l.

- I got it, playa!
- Yeah, you better.

Um, I've got it
all under control.

No offense, but this shit
tastes like ass.

Yeah, that's the only
thing I hate about dust.

It tastes like ass.

Dust, like, angel dust?

Yeah, you know, like
peace pill, love boat,

crystal flakes, embalming
fluid, rocket fuel,

whatever you wanna call it, man.

That's all wrapped up
in that joint.

It better,

or I'm gonna kick that drummer
that sold it to me's ass.

What the fuck
is wrong with you, huh?

What kind of person
doesn't tell another person

they're smoking angel dust.

Dude, you're kinda being
a dick right now.

I can't feel my lips.

Hey, don't we have
chem. Class together?

Hi.
Mister oh...

Me likey,
miss slutty German barmaid.

Hey, hands off, encino man.

Don't you have
something to protest?

Oh, are you off the roids.

You're looking kinda petite.

I'm gonna fucking die.

I'm gonna die.

My mama will freak out
and I'm gonna die.

I seen what
this shit does to people on TV.

Okay? First you all
run around naked.

Run around naked chasing cops,
fighting cops, beating cops up,

trying to fly, jumping off
of buildings, trying to fly.

Jumping off buildings, I'm gonna wake
up in a zoo, naked covered in blood.

I can't feel my lips.

I can't feel my lips. I can't
feel my face. My head.

Mellow out!

- My hearts...
- Meow!

My heart's beating so fast.

You're gonna die!

What? Wow.

What the fuck is this shit?

Chelsea!

Hey, sista!

- What'?
- I got a costume.

It's a cat.

Do you want a drink?

Whiskey'?
Seriously?

Mmm.

- You took my ID.
- You're drunk.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

I know why you're saying that.

- It's because you can kinda hear me slurring.
- Yeah.

I can kind hear it
a little bit too.

But I'm not drunk.

If you embarrass me tonight,

I swear...

Shaquille!

Whiskey Rebecca.

Whiskey Rebecca, Shaquille.

I gotta go, kid. Bye.

Rebecca!

- Damn it.
- Hey, don't worry about it.

Look, I'll look after her,

you just really need
to help with the band.

Um...

I'm gonna go do that.

Yeah, I gotta...

Do... the band stuff

- I'll see you later, okay?
- Yeah.

Sit, sit.

Okay, are you okay'?

Yeah...

Okay, I'm gonna go pee
so you stay right here.

- Okay?
- ' Kay.

Okay, don't move.

- Excuse me, miss.
- Yeah?

Do you know where I might find
Mr. Shaquille Horowitz?

No...

But do you wanna make out?

Maybe later. But thank
you for your time.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, there.

Why so sad, huh?

I cannot believe
he cheated on me.

Ooh, wow.

Really?

You're way too mature for some high
school jackass bringing you down.

I know! I started babysitting
when I was like 12.

Wow. Really?
Here, take this.

This'll make you
feel better, huh?

Okay.

Yeah, cheers.

Yeah, you know...

You're, um...

You're all woman.

So sophisticated.

God, you got yourself some ample
tits there, don't you, huh?

You think
I'm sophisticated?

Yeah, oh, totally.

You know, you're so hot like...

Like stripper hot.

Yeah.

Do you wanna be my boyfriend?

Yeah. I'd love to be
your boyfriend.

- Yeah'?
- Oh, yeah.

At least the next three
to five minutes, anyway.

Yes. Bridget.
Hah.

Can I help you'?

Um, yeah, actually.

Have you seen... well, I
don't wanna interrupt.

I'm really sorry.
This was really awesome.

Have you seen Chelsea?

Um... no.

Okay, I'll go find her.

But uh, very nice.

Uh, excuse me?

- Chin chin.
- Oh. Hey.

Hey. You're drinking.

Uh... is-
where is your parent guardian?

Oh. Freudian slip?

Clever.

- You think so?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, 'cause I thought
I was kinda obvious.

With- and people
have been...

Where is Van Horn?

Aren't you in like
the seventh grade?

- Eighth.
- Eighth...

Oh, okay.

Okay. Eighth grade.

Here.
I'll take that away.

Meow!

Oh, my god.

It's Rebecca.

Whatever.

Uh, Rebecca...
Oh...

Seriously, no drinking.

Chill, man. Just go
take care of your shit.

I'm good.

- - You wanna
take this somewhere else?

What?

I'm your boyfriend now.

You announced this to me.

- What?
- You don' think it's a good idea?

Come on.

What? Why?

We're in, babe. Come on,
let's go in here.

Ahem. Hey, Brett.

Oh, hey, buddy. Gates
should be here any minute.

I can't wait to give you
that recommendation.

Yeah, Brett.

She's...

Just close the door
and walk away.

Be cool.

- Hey.
- What's the problem, Shaquille?

There's enough ass to go around.

Go find your own, okay?

Brett, she's pretty drunk.

Yeah? What's your point?

Oh, I just don't think
it's a good idea.

- You know, so...
- Don't be a pussy, man.

Girls get drunk

so they can use it
as an excuse the next day.

It's how it works.

I just don't agree.
Alexa's my friend.

And so...

You really are a little
pussy, aren't you, huh?

- Why don't you just be cool'?
- How 'bout this, man?

How about I kick your ass and then I
do your friend, how's that sound?

No, no, lay back.

Oh, you're gonna regret that.

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, this isn't good. Okay.

I should've known you were
just Southside trash, man.

You'll always be a loser.
Just like your daddy.

Oh, yeah?
Tiger claw!

Get the hell outta here.

Hey, leave him alone, asshole.

Oh, really. What's this
guy gonna do, huh?

Testicles, throat, eyes.

Oh, sh it.

Get him, Brei l.

I'm looking
for a Shaquille Horowitz.

Shaquille!

What's the deal,
Horowitz? Huh'?

He was trying
to take advantage of Alexa?

Nice try.

He was the one that was all over her.
It was him.

No. No. No.

Lucky I got there when I did.

It's a lie.
And you know it.

To think I tried to help you.

I guess it's true what they say,

"take the boy
outta the trailer park

but you can't take the trailer
park out-fa the boy."

Actually, no. No one
actually says that.

But seriously, everyone
has to believe me.

It was him.

Why would I get with some
drunk trailer skank? Huh?

I can get any girl I want.
Just think about it.

These losers can't
get laid any other way.

I mean, look at him. He even
looks like a sexual deviant.

Freak!

You used my whore.

Now I expect to be
my money paid.

Fuck you, Santos! I don't
work for you anymore, okay?

Oh, you don't?
Huh? You don't?

Who do you work for then, huh?

You work for him?

I can work for whoever
the hell I want to, asshole.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Okay. Let me
show you this.

Huh.

Cojones.

You transfer to sexual,
freaky dressed man.

He's a freak!

Whoa! Okay.
Lets just bring it down.

This is priceless, huh, guys?

What the fuck, mate?

Hey, look. I don't know
what kind of fucked up dope

you're selling here.

But all I know is,
my lead singer just wants

to stare at
the motherfucking ceiling

thinking about
motherfucking nothing!

Motherfucker!

Hey, calm down. All right.
We can talk about this.

Oh, shit!

Dr. gates.
I'm Shaquille Horowitz.

Look, uh.
I can explain everything.

Oh, I'm sure you can, son.

But I think maybe you have
a few things to sort out.

We can revisit
this opportunity next year.

No, no, no.
I wanna revisit that now.

I need the recommendation now.

Fuck you!

I think I've seen enough
for one night, don't you?

Sir, if you just let me explain,

I...

I threw this party for you.

It's gone terribly wrong.

But um...
Look, I come from nothing.

And I will stop at nothing to
get your recommendation.

Just please give me a chance.

Give it to someone
who gives a shit, freak.

Mr. gates. I'm sorry you had
to witness all this.

I had no idea he was
such a sexual creep.

He's a gay Henry.

You're some kind of freaky
kind of sex dress man.

Huh?

Don't worry about it.
Brei is, let's get him.

Wait! Wait!

No, he didn't do anything.

He... he's-
he is the asshole.

He is the one.

Yeah, right.

In your dreams,
you Southside slut.

I mean, really, this girl?
Like, are you kidding me guys?

I think it's time
you boys made your exit.

Oh, really? What the
fuck are you gonna do'?

Me'?

I'm not gonna do shit.

'Cause I'm a lover,
not a fighter.

But him?

Now he's a fighter.

Come on!

Creepy eyes.

Get in there
and enjoy your party, okay?

Southsider forever.

I gotta find me a woman.

Um, how about that drink?

Shaquille, you don't have to be like
those assholes to be successful.

I thought that's
what you wanted though,

I thought that they
were your friend.

You have real friends.

Those guys? They'll never
be anyone's friends.

Then why scholarship with them?

Why do you think?

The parties, man!

And the never-ending supply
of hot college pussy!

And Brett, he is a pimp.

Now you didn't buy into that whole
motivational thing did you?

No.

And you, you know
how to make it happen.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.
Yeah...

You got the scholarship,
don't worry.

Aren't you gonna show me around?

Well Shaquille, um...

Looks like I'll be
seeing you around real soon.

We will-we will'?

Wow.

Hey there, maybe had enough?

What?

Hey, come on.
You're biting the cap off.

I had one drink.
Are you kidding me?

- Really? Really?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Oh... you are... yeah...
- One drink, one drink.

♪ photobucket, Facebook asshole ♪

♪ in your SUV ♪

♪ yeah, you suck ♪

♪ yeah, you suck ♪

♪ skinny jeans
and bed head haircut ♪

♪ you're not a chick
so don't wear makeup ♪

♪ yeah, you suck ♪

♪ yeah, you suck ♪

You suck balls!

♪ Your faux-hawk hairdo,
big blonde girlfriend ♪

♪ your both douche bags
so use protection ♪

♪ 'cause your babies
are gonna suck ♪

♪ don't have babies ♪

♪ you suck ♪

♪ you're too stupid
to be ironic ♪

♪ so don't try
to impress me ♪

♪ you suck
you suck ♪

♪ everything
about you sucks ♪

♪ you suck ♪

♪ you suck ♪

{Crowd member] Fuck you!

You guys
are fucking horrible!

The worst fucking band ever!

Dude, are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Why the fuck wouldn't
be all right?

My nose hurts.

- Stop whining.
- It hurts.

Hey, your eye looks
pre y messed up.

Who the fuck are you'?
Why are you talking to me?

Your eye looks pre y bad.

Hey, is that whiskey?
Can I have some?

Yeah, knock yourself out.

Daddy?

Who the fuck is all this?

Whiskey? Did you just
give her whiskey?

Yeah, no,
it's not what it's-

what the hell
happened to your eye?

It's a long story. Man.

He tried to take advantage
of a drunk girl at the party.

- What?
- It's not what it. Hey man...

Calm down, it's not
what it seems like.

Okay'?

You thought you could
take advantage of my daughter,

is that what you thought?

No, it's what...
No. No!

She showed up.

Is that what you thought?

So, what'd you think?

Chels, it was really...
It was really great.

You're really awesome.

- It was horrible.
- It was horrible.

You look really nice though.

Some might even
say, "hot."

Who are you?

Look, I'm-I'm sorry I'm sorry, that
I've been acting like such a jerk.

Um...

What happened between us
really did mean something.

Then why are you
being such a dick?

I don't know, I just... I wanted
so badly to get out of this town.

I just didn't think
that this could ever...

Work.

Hello, don't you think

I want to git out of here, too?

And besides, no one ever really
knows how anything is gonna work.

So... I think I'm over
the whole band thing.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought it was your life.

I'm 17, dude. I don't
know what my life is.

You know what, Chels?

Life is a highway,

and you just gotta ride
it all night long.

Sometimes, "teen wolf" style,

you get up there,
you do a handstand,

the cure is blaring out of the
windows, it's a good time.

You know, when you hit
a bump on that road,

and hopefully you don't
fall off the side,

and people are watching,
and it's embarrassing-

shut the fuck up.

Party!

Whoo!

So... was that
good for you?

Nah, I've had better.

Well, it's been
a long day, I mean...