Original subtitles

(BELLS JANGLE)

(WIND HOWLS)

Hello, and welcome to a Grand Tour special,

which comes to you from

the emptiest, most sparsely populated country on Earth.

Mongolia.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

Now, ordinarily when we go on these adventures,

we have a vague idea about the sort of things that we might be doing.

But this time, we don't.

RICHARD: No, not a clue.

The situation is, we took off from

the capital city of Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar,

and flew for two, two-and-a-half hours,

over terrain that was much like this.

Actually, quite familiar.

Unthreatening.

But it was completely empty.

It was like flying over the whole of the British Isles

and not seeing a town, a village, a road,

a powerline, a quarry, not even a farm.

There wasn't a shred of evidence, from what we saw out of the aeroplane window,

that man has ever existed.

Yeah, this is what the world would have looked like,

pretty much, on about page three of the Book of Genesis, I reckon.

And then we were dropped off here...

(CHUCKLES) ...and we don't know why.

We don't know anything.

An hour or so later, though...

(CAMERA POWERING UP)

(WHIRRING OF ROTOR BLADES)

That's a chopper.

-There, look. -Yeah.

Why isn't he landing?

What's he doing?

-Whoa, look at this. -Look!

RICHARD: Hang on a minute.

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Whoa. -Look at that.

What's he dropping?

JEREMY: It's got to be supplies. Firewood...

RICHARD: Food. JEREMY: Shelter.

JAMES: Hats.

-Hats? -Well, you need a hat. It's sunny.

They're not gonna fly out hats to us.

So that... He's... That's him gone, then.

-He's not landing. RICHARD: Oh.

Does that mean we're not going home, then?

RICHARD: James, the helicopter has buggered off.

And we're alone with three boxes full of quiche or something.

Well, let's go and have a look, then.

JEREMY: I mean, what we really need is transport.

RICHARD: Yeah. That would be useful.

JAMES: They haven't got cars in them.

-Could you get a car in that? -No, look, it's thin.

It's only about that wide.

-So this is the webbing that... -Well, that comes off.

Oh, hello, there's a crowbar there. So that's...

Good.

Right, lifting it here.

-That's it. -Stand clear.

Oh!

-Well... -Water.

-What's in... -The hell...

Oh, shit. Is that an engine?

That's an engine.

A TDi of some sort.

Vehicle lights?

JEREMY: That is a rear axle. RICHARD: It is.

That's a master cylinder.

Guys, I don't need to look in the other one.

We've an engine, we've headlights, we've a rear axle.

There's enough spare parts to build a car.

-Yeah. -Oh, come on.

What, here?

JEREMY: As the other two opened the third crate,

I found a mysterious bag.

OK, well, straight away, that's a windscreen.

Which confirms it.

-Yep. -Guys...

What is it, a Land Rover?

-What's that? -I have a letter.

The nearest civilisation is a town called Moron.

-Is it? -There's a surprise.

"It's hundreds of miles away.

In order to reach it, you must build the contents of these boxes.

You have enough food and water for seven days."

What's that?

RICHARD: That's the town. JEREMY: Moron.

-And that's the start. JEREMY: We're here.

It says "Map not to scale."

JEREMY: There's a surprise.

This has been drawn by EH Shepard.

Look, "Rather Boggy and Sad."

"Deep River of Despair."

-"Floody Place." -"Lots of Trees."

"Wibbly Wobbly Bridge", "Very Big Crack".

Well, that's not very useful, is it?

Well, we've got to go northeast, haven't we?

But how far is that?

Well, we don't know. He said "hundreds of miles".

Yes, but first...

-What? -All we need to do is assemble this lot into a car.

RICHARD: As there was no instruction manual,

May and I began to go through the components.

This is chassis, isn't it? But it's in two halves.

While our mechanically inept colleague made himself useful

by moaning about the camping equipment.

That's not a bed!

-It's a mattress. -In...

-It's not a mattress! -It is.

If you go to Peter Jones and say,

"Can I have a mattress?" they don't give you this.

-The heaviest bit is the engine... -Yes.

...which is over there, so we need to take the other bits over there.

-Yes, that's a very good idea. -Let's do that.

(JEREMY WAILS SPOOKILY)

-Jeremy's pretending to be a ghost. -I'll pretend to be scared.

To be a ghost, you first have to be dead.

RICHARD: Nice work.

So what we should do is lay everything out.

Why not put the parachute out as a dust sheet, put it all on the parachute?

Good idea.

If we lay it out, it can be the floor of our workshop.

-If either of you have any emergencies... -No!

-Hey, Hammond. -Yeah?

-It's a Land Rover engine, you'll be pleased to know. -Is it?

JEREMY: "Hey, Hammond. Hey, Hammond."

-Why don't you do something useful? Unwrap something. -"Hey, Hammond.

Hammond."

JEREMY: As my colleagues fiddled about

with stuff I didn't understand...

That says "Chassis mid-section."

...I found something that I did.

Hello!

I wasn't expecting that.

However, there was a problem.

-Just pop that down for a second. -Yes.

-This is a box of rations, OK? -Yes.

Now, forgive me but I could swear...

RICHARD: Oh, God.

-Why would Wilman do that? -Because he's evil.

Why would he send us a car in bits that isn't a car?

I don't care about the car in bits.

He and both of you, actually, are quite capable of doing that.

This, on the other hand, is a catastrophe.

-How many of those have you found? -One.

Why don't you trouble yourself with matters food-related?

-That's a good idea. -Gather it together in one place, see what we've got.

So, I see. So I become food and beverage manager of the project?

-If you want to call it that. -If you like.

A bit like Robert De Niro in Casino.

In every conceivable way.

He was the food and beverage manager of the casino.

And I shall be the food and beverage manager of our little project.

OK, from now on we'll call you Robert.

-Why don't you gather all the food-related things... -Thank you.

-Off you go, Robert. -It's my middle name.

-Mr De Niro. -Mr De Niro, yes. That'll be great.

RICHARD: Whilst the raging baboon went off to sort the food and beverages,

James and I continued to unpack the components.

JAMES: Oh, wait a minute, that's got pedals attached to it.

-Oh, yeah. -So that's the bulkhead essentially.

And eventually the giant Airfix kit was laid out.

That's where we will build it.

This is our workshop.

JAMES: I would say we've got hundreds of components,

not including fasteners and things.

JEREMY: Meanwhile, in the lee of a nearby hill,

I had been very busy as well.

Right, I've got the campsite built.

Two tents here for the snorers.

One over there for me, so I can't hear them.

There's the lavatory. And now...

I'm gonna start work on lunch.

Which meant making fire.

Yes. (STRAINED) Yes!

Please!

So, gearbox on.

-Yeah. -Yep.

RICHARD: Back at base, we were doing well...

There, that's it, whoa.

...even though James was being very annoying.

Hang on, let's just think about where all...

We haven't got the nuts and bloody fasteners ready.

Let's just get on with it. Get it lined up.

OK.

-That's quite good. -Offer it up.

Push forwards. Yes.

-Oh-ho-ho! -Well done.

-Hey, James. -21.

I've got a metal willy.

RICHARD: Captain OCD, however,

was not in the mood for willy gags.

Where the chuffing hell has it gone?

This is why you put 'em back in the same place.

Where did you put it last time you had the 19?

-Oh, for God's sake... -Ratchet.

...just find any (BLEEP) spanner?

JEREMY: With absolutely no help at all

from the cameraman's lighter,

I had struck gold.

I have made fire!

Right.

Right, what have we got?

These are British Army rations. Oh, God!

I'm... I've stuck my knife through that one.

So the water's gonna get in there and spoil it a bit.

Tropical fruit and nut mix. Mm, I like that.

I might just deny this was ever in it.

Mm.

Lift.

So that goes up, axle goes underneath.

Lower it down on that, Bob will be our uncle.

-Straighten up. -Yeah.

-There you go. -Bump stop on.

RICHARD: After many hours of hard work,

we had made cracking progress.

-It is on its own wheels. -Rolling chassis!

Look at that!

Which meant we were famished

when Mr De Niro finally got back.

-Chaps. -Hello.

-I've got your lunch. -Oh, about bloody time.

-Oh, sorry it's a bit late. -Yeah, it's tea really, isn't it?

That's yours and mine. They were the same. But, no, it's...

What's this?

It looks like cat sick.

It should look like that. That's how it is.

But the bag may have got a bit snicked.

Unfortunately, I licked that, so this is mine.

It's stone cold, man.

What have you been doing all this time?

Well, I might ask you the same question.

I have built a town, a sewage system and a restaurant.

I have cooked in the restaurant and I have brought you your food.

-Which is cold. -You meanwhile have bolted some wheels.

You've done literally nothing.

Are you kidding? We've got a rolling chassis. We've got the engine in.

How do you think we did that and got those axles on?

-All right, start it up. -It doesn't go yet.

We would have got a bit further on

if we hadn't insisted on lining up the damn...

-I haven't been lining up the tools. -You did. You did.

-I've been saying... -We would have spent more time...

...keep the fasteners in the right place,

otherwise Hammond puts the wrong ones in.

You're talking over each other. Can you do it one at a time?

The one that you wanted was over here in the dust.

I am making an executive decision here.

-Hammond is in charge of the build of this car. -What?

You can't make Hammond in charge of the build. You're not in a position to.

-We have to have a vote on it. -Listen.

I don't know how to build a car, so that's me out, OK?

You, May, you do know how to build a car

but it'll take you six months, so you're out.

Hammond, he sort of knows how to build a car but he'll do it quickly.

So he has to be in charge.

He has to get you speeded up.

-OK, I'm only doing what Hammond tells me to do. -Right, good.

Sir, not wishing to speak out of turn

but is there any reason why I shouldn't do that

with an extension on a socket wrench, sir?

-Stop calling me "sir" and just... -Just... James...

He doesn't know what he's doing.

Would either of you two like a beer? Would that calm you down?

-Oh, yes. -Yes, it would.

Right, as food and beverages manager,

I shall go and get you one.

I'll have a beer, please, Robert.

JEREMY: With the promise of beer, harmony was restored.

So this should line up.

It does.

So we've got two different lengths, three different lengths...

RICHARD: Let's move it and then go forwards.

Wait. Move forwards.

JAMES: Hang on. There's a cable or something.

RICHARD: That's the axle breather.

Just move it and then go forwards.

(JEREMY HUMS)

Er...

-What are you looking for? -What are you doing?

I've searched everywhere. They haven't sent any beer.

Or gin or wine or alcohol of any sort.

Is that serious or is that a joke?

MAN: No, it's serious.

-Seriously there isn't any? -No beer.

No alcohol, nothing.

And it's seven days away?

-We've got... It takes seven... -And it's six o'clock.

How long is it gonna take you to build this?

It's now five past six.

Well, we're not going to be finished tonight, are we?

We're not gonna finish it tonight.

JAMES: Spurred on by the catastrophic alcohol situation...

Bulkhead support. Bulkhead support!

...Hammond and I put in a big shift.

And then, tired and hungry, we went to the camp

for some more of Mr De Niro's gourmet catering.

Right, now, what do you want for supper?

-What have you got? -You can have hot chocolate drink, regular flavour.

-For dinner? -Well, biscuits, fruit?

Again, for dinner?

I didn't provide this.

Well, there's some sort of curry-based things here.

-Do you want those? -I don't like curry.

-You do like curry. -Not really.

You're just being obtuse, Hammond.

You're in a bad temper because you're not drunk.

I'm not sure this is how you're supposed to cook it.

It isn't. You put them in boiling water but I couldn't be bothered.

Well, why didn't you rig up a way of putting that pan over the fire?

-Well, you... -With some water in it, then...

Who built the wigwam fire? You did.

Well, why didn't you make a hangy thing for the pan?

Out of what, mountains?

Just...

Eugh, God.

-It's still freezing. -I know.

JEREMY: Not only was dinner cold and terrible,

it was also rather boring.

What do people talk about when they don't drink?

-I don't know actually. -(SPITS)

It's a good point.

Brexit?

JEREMY: We've worked together now for many years.

And we've never struggled to think of anything to say before.

But I think that's partly because we can never remember what we said last time.

-So we just do it again. -Yeah, that's a fact, that.

What, you're saying we've just been repeating ourselves every night for the last--

Yes, that's possible.

JEREMY: Because we hadn't had any booze,

we woke the next morning looking ten years younger.

Ready? Oh, down a bit.

Hammond and May then went off to work.

-This is the canopy fixing kit. -That's the one.

And later, I turned up with a hearty breakfast.

Of water.

Can I just say, what you've built here appears to have a central driving position.

-It does. -Yes.

-It's mid-engined. -Yes.

-It's a McLaren F1. -It's a McLaren...

Except it's four-wheel-drive.

So it has a sort of Lamborghini quality.

I mean, when we get the bodywork on it...

-Ah. -Yeah, that's a good point.

There isn't any bodywork as such.

No. The plan is for us to improvise bodywork

out of the wood that came in the crates.

That's the only thing there is to use.

-What, turn the crates into a body? -That's all we've got.

-Yeah. -Red, white and blue?

Don't say red and white because they remind me of wine.

No, red, white... Pink is wine.

Drink is clear. It's gin.

It's good for you. It's healthy.

-Yeah, it's done you a lot of good. -A natural product.

James and Richard then cracked on with the oily stuff.

Yes.

And, since it didn't require any actual skill,

I was allowed to help make the body.

-I have made a door! RICHARD: You have. That is a door. Brilliant.

I am a manufacturer of doors!

JAMES: As he set about making another one...

Give it four or five pumps and then hold your foot on.

No bubbles. Good.

...Richard and I were working on the brakes,

the lights and the roof.

Oh, yeah. We just need to gather it up and tie it off in corners and things.

That'll keep the sun off.

Our plan was to get finished

and get moving by early afternoon.

But at the end of the day, the situation was not good.

-So all that wiring has got to be connected up? RICHARD: Yeah.

I haven't even got the back lights on yet.

There's loads of wires.

Well, there's no way we're gonna get that done tonight.

-No. -No.

Again.

Phil, it said in that letter from Mr Wilman

that it was hundreds of miles to this town called Moron.

How many hundreds? Seriously.

To be honest with you, I haven't got a clue.

So it could be 500?

It... I'd say more than that.

-More? -What?

How much of it is on, like, paved roads where we can make progress?

-None. None of it. -None?

-There's no roads? -No.

But you've got an off-road vehicle.

Yes, I know. But we've only got...

What is it? ...five days of provisions left.

-Yeah. -And that's if we can get it going tomorrow.

-We'll have to do... at least 100 miles a day... -Yeah.

-...off road in that... -Yeah.

...or we'll starve to death.

Well, that's if it's 500 miles. What if it's 600 miles?

-We'll have to do more. -We don't know.

JAMES: All we did know was that we'd have yet another night in Mr De Niro's hotel,

using up yet more valuable rations.

So that's the main fuse. That comes off the battery, doesn't it?

The next morning we rose at five to finish the job.

There's technical stuff in there.

And then, having built two boots for all our provisions...

Nothing is to be wasted.

Everything is to be taken.

...our car was finally finished.

And since our lives depended on not crashing,

Jeremy and I secretly agreed that Hammond should never be allowed to drive it.

-Right, this is it. -Here we go.

(ENGINE STARTS)

JAMES: Yes! (JEREMY LAUGHS)

RICHARD: Oh, my God, it works!

JAMES: Good, OK, right... -Oh, James, important thing.

In Mongolia, when you start on a journey, you have to turn right.

-What? -Is that true? -Yes, that is true.

-Is that a thing? -It is genuinely a thing.

-What, every time? -Every time that you begin a journey

-you go right. -Right, here we go.

This is it.

-Right, James! -Right, right, right!

-Right. -That's a rut or something.

James, you're going left.

Hang on, the wheels are...

-Hey? -Just turn it... OK, go left.

And now set off.

The steering's back to front, Hammond. How have we done that?

-What do you mean it's back to front? -Look, I'm turning left.

No, you're not, you're just going straight.

-Turn it the other way, then. -If I turn it the other way, that's straight.

And now I'm turning right and it's going left. So I need to keep...

What have you two been doing for the last two days?

We put the hydraulic pipes on the wrong way round for the steering.

Yes.

JAMES: Having fixed this minor issue, we set off.

Again.

Ha-ha! It works! We're going along!

Our car is great.

The ride is good.

-It's not bad, is it? -It's genuinely brilliant.

-Can we have a mild brake test? -Yeah, OK, here we go.

-Whoa! Come on! -Like it? They're pretty good, actually.

Well, whoever bled those, well done. Good job.

-That was you, wasn't it? -No.

But the doors I can claim.

And the number plates.

JEREMY: We had no idea how far it was to Moron

and no real idea of how to get there.

But Mr Wilman's stupid map

said we should head first of all

to the Sandy Pit.

-Right, you see between those two...mountain valley? -Yeah.

Stick to the valley floor.

JAMES: As we trundled along, it soon became obvious

that if Jeremy had been asked questions about Mongolia

on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

he might have got some of them right.

RICHARD: Sheeps. JAMES: Sheepses.

Oh, do you know how they kill sheep in Mongolia?

-No. -Would you like to know?

-Your door's come open. -Yes.

-So they make a snick in its neck, yes... -Yes.

...put their hand in through the snick,

grab the aorta on the heart and squeeze it till the animal dies.

Apparently it makes the sheep feel quite sleepy.

-Sleepy? -I'm not sure,

if somebody made a hole in my neck and put their hand in and squeezed my heart

-I'd say I'm feeling sleepy. -No.

Wow, look! Cows.

Or yakky things.

Did you know, Hammond, that you can make vodka from the milk of a yak?

How do I milk a yak?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually, we started to climb off the valley floor.

How fast do you suppose we're going?

-No idea. JAMES: 20mph?

This old engine was the one where it would get bogged down off-road

because of the turbo, wasn't it?

This is the one that people complained about

when they put it in the Defender.

So we're not talking about a blitz of power, then, from it?

No, but they're bloody long-lived... They're really tough engines.

JEREMY: Oh, oh, oh! RICHARD: Wait a minute.

-Wow! -Oh, my God!

JAMES: Oh, look at that!

That's the sandy bit.

That's massive.

JEREMY: In fact, it was just a small detached bit of the Gobi Desert.

But even so, it would be the first real test

for our hastily built homemade car.

Oh, right, there is a river.

JAMES: I see it.

RICHARD: I think we want to get out where that horse is.

-The horse is... -Literally having a piss.

JEREMY: That's milk, though, coming out of it. How's that happened?

RICHARD: No, it's wee.

JEREMY: Yeah, you're good.

-Right, up you go. -(REVVING)

RICHARD: There it is.

JEREMY: Having reached the edge of the sand...

...it was time to prepare for entry.

Right, hang on, let me just get my compass.

This is where we are gonna need it.

So I put the N on the N, don't I?

And then you're looking for Northeast.

-So that way. -Yeah.

JEREMY: The car had a low-range gearbox.

But as its engine was a bit gutless,

Hammond and I got out to reduce weight

and set off to climb the first dune on foot.

Oh, Hammond. Beer.

Agh!

But, boy, was it worth the effort!

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, holy mother of...

RICHARD: That's beautiful. I didn't expect this.

JEREMY: Well, it's a lost world, look.

As we admired the view,

the world's best off-road driver

was beginning his ascent.

Bollocks!

Be a shame if he misses this view because of his incompetence.

-Yeah. -Because we've already proved the car works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the car. He's just messing about.

Ohh!

JEREMY: Hammond then went off to find a route James could use,

leaving me to contemplate the majesty of my surroundings.

They say this is the dark heart of Asia.

Perhaps that's why no-one comes.

But, I mean, look.

And the other thing is, Genghis Khan

created in just 20 years the biggest empire the world has ever seen.

Why? It's not like he was cramped here.

(SIGHS)

I don't really want to go to a town.

-Oh, oh! -(BLEEP) me!

Said the cameraman.

We really are good at wildlife photography, aren't we?

-"Ooh, (BLEEP) me!" -(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: Right, here we come!

JEREMY: With Hammond's help, James finally got up the dune.

Yes, come on! Come on, come on, come on.

Keep going, keep moving. Mind that dip.

Oh, yes!

But from then on the going got tougher and tougher.

(GROANS) Come on.

-Yeah, OK. -That's what I meant, that's what I meant.

Right, digging.

Yes!

Try it up that way.

-James, back it up. -Agh.

(ENGINE STRAINS)

Whoa, not again!

-It's gonna go. JEREMY: Yes!

RICHARD: That worked! -(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually, after a lot of digging and zigging and zagging,

we reached some firmer sand.

Oh, we are making progress now.

-Oh, yes. -Straight on a bit.

-Greenery! -Yes, there it is!

RICHARD: Salvation!

-Ohh! -Bumpy.

JEREMY: Hold on, stop, stop, stop.

Stop. I see a problem.

(JAMES CHUCKLES)

Right, so between us and our quest is...

-A big drop. -A cliff.

No, it's fine actually, James.

Is it? Yeah, it's fine. It's...

Yeah, you're good. It's like that.

-Good. -It's pretty much level-ish.

Yeah, you'll be fine. Off you go.

Oh, you're funny men!

Oh, you're very funny!

JEREMY: Having crossed the sandy bit,

we paused for a moment of celebration.

So, there we are. The first successful crossing

of the mighty Gobi Desert,

or some of it, in that car.

No, hang on a minute.

What?

What's troubling me is you see that little bit of river there?

-Yes. -That's the river we crossed to get into the Gobi Desert.

And we've emerged 300 metres away

from the stream where we went into the desert.

James, I've got some bad news.

We are still south of the Gobi Desert.

Oh...

JEREMY: Rather than try to drive through it again,

we decided to bravely drive round it instead.

Right, now, let's just gloss over the fact that we made a catastrophic error,

and ended up back where we started from...

Just go round to... We're going round the east, Hammond.

Yes.

JEREMY: Do you think this passes for a road in Mongolia?

I suspect this is a road, yes.

I should think... Yeah.

Cos do you know how many paved roads

there are in the whole country?

-Go on. -Two.

-There's not two paved roads. -Outside of the cities,

there are only two paved roads.

Whoa, bumpy.

(ALL GROANING)

-James! -Bumps!

(ALL GROANING)

One of the things I'm worried about is

haemorrhoids from these seats.

It's a very real possibility.

You can get haemorrhoids from hard seats?

Yeah. Bounc... Jiggling.

However, there is a Mongolian cure for them.

(GROANING)

Kill a wolf,

remove its anus

and then grate it onto your food.

I don't fanc--

-Really? -No, seriously.

Because they reckon that wolves never get piles.

So they reckon--

What, on the basis that no wolf has ever said, "Ooh, my piles"?

"Ooh, my Chalfonts."

RICHARD: Bump! Ooh.

JAMES: As Jeremy continued to amaze us

with his interesting facts about Mongolia...

I do know that one of Genghis Khan's cavalrymen

could shoot an arrow through a marmot's head

from 250 feet away while galloping.

...it started to go dark.

But because we'd covered so few miles, we had to plough on.

What the temperature is doing is plummeting.

Where's the heater?

-Ah. There isn't one. -Yes.

-Look, come on. -You can thank Mr Wilman for that one.

RICHARD: Bump!

-(RATTLING) -Oh-ha!

JEREMY: Soon we couldn't see where we were going.

-Ready for some lights? -Yeah, does this thing... Might be that.

-Lights! There they are! -(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Hello. We've died. JAMES: We have died.

RICHARD: Problem. -Don't panic.

Don't panic. Handbrake, please, Mr Hammond.

No, we've completely lost the electrics.

So we turned the lights on and...

That's what's... It's fried a fuse, maybe.

JEREMY: The main fuse had indeed blown.

So we replaced it

and with the roof lights turned off,

resumed our headlong plunge into the cold unknown.

(WIND WHISTLING)

JAMES: Let's sing a song! -No.

JEREMY: Desperate to cover more ground,

we didn't pitch the tents till 1am.

And then after another cold night of frost-hardened misery,

we wondered how we could make our car more comfortable.

-Are you stiff? -Oh, God, yeah.

My neck and back, like, legs, everything.

Yeah, well, we're gonna... I think we're gonnna make extra lumber support

with our rolled up air mattress things.

And I would suggest from my experiences yesterday

we use a bit of the spare leftover foam

and double the thickness of the arse portion.

I tell you what I thought of in the night.

-Yes? -We should give our vehicle a name.

I thought about that. I came up with Genghis Car.

-(LAUGHING) -That's really good!

-It's not bad, is it? -The only slight problem with it is

Genghis was quite a big murderer.

-He was quite murdery. -I suppose he was murdery.

He did 34 million.

Let's not name it after him, then.

There's another problem as well.

-He was quite rapey. -He was very rapey.

-The rapiest man ever to have lived. -Yeah, he was.

Do you know, and this is not made up,

one in every 200 people alive today

can trace their ancestry back to Genghis Khan

or the seed of Genghis Khan.

So how did he have time to do any warring?

Well, he must have just been a skin full of sperm.

JEREMY: As work on the modifications progressed,

I came up with a name we liked.

-John. -John's a good solid name. I like it.

It's honest. It's unpretentious.

-Dependable people are called John. -Yes.

-John Lewis. -That is a dependable shop.

-Isn't it? -Yeah, exactly, because it's called John.

With the comfort mods complete

and John duly christened...

...we set off in search of our next waypoint:

the Watery Part.

However, Hammond was not happy.

Why are you driving?

Well, you drove yesterday.

No, I didn't.

-You did drive yesterday. -I didn't.

He can't remember anything, can he?

His memory... Your memory, Hammond,

is just getting appalling.

I didn't drive. I still haven't driven it.

To try and distract Hammond,

I came up with some more of my special Mongol trivia.

Back in the 13th Century,

Khan, Genghis,

could get messages, OK,

from one side of his empire to the other in four days.

They could do 250 miles a day. One rider.

-What, relay horses? -One rider. Yeah.

You'd ride, galloping, flat out, 25 miles.

When you were a mile out

from the horse station you were approaching,

you sounded your horn.

They had a horse ready.

You leapt onto it without getting...

just from one horse to the other,

and then carried on

and he could do 250 miles a day.

-So how many horses did he have? -Across the empire?

-Yeah. -30 million.

JEREMY: To keep Hammond's tiny mind from thinking about driving,

we put him in charge of navigation.

And weirdly, he was rather good at it.

So we've got these two mountain ranges...

and we go left and the watery bit will be over there.

And guess what? He was right.

It turned out to be a river, which we'd have to cross.

Er...can't really get out there.

Over there we can get out.

Oh, yes. Picking my route carefully.

You don't need low-range. You just need somebody with skill and precision.

Whoa!

RICHARD: Agh!

-That went wrong! -Jeez!

Why would you do that to us?

Oh, the rest of the day's gonna be bloody miserable! You muppet!

JEREMY: To make sure it wasn't, we built a fire,

dried our shirts,

and then set off once more into the big nothing.

And after a while, I felt another Mongolia fact coming on.

It's about the same size as Spain, France, Germany, the Czech Republic, Italy--

-All rolled in? -...Britain, Ireland, all rolled in.

RICHARD: And it's empty.

Three million people living in an area the size of Western Europe.

-Yeah. Staggering. -Yeah.

With the sun gently warming us,

we continued onwards in search of the Twin Lakes.

Until navigator Hammond suggested we climb a small hill

to get our bearings.

That looks a lot steeper from here

than it did from back there.

It's a little hill.

JEREMY: Soon, though...

Axle tramping.

-Quite a lot of axle tramping. -Quite bad.

-Right, stop. -Yeah.

-I have. -Right, I think we should get out.

-Why should you get out? -I'm the only one who's driven John up hills

and I'm telling you, that's too steep.

OK.

-You got it. You got it. -That's better.

-Yeah! -Come on, John.

-Wow! -Come on!

JEREMY: He's hopping up this hill like a rabbit.

RICHARD: That is a remarkable sight.

JEREMY: What a machine you are, John!

Good.

(LAUGHS)

RICHARD: Yeah! JAMES: That's amazing.

John, the mountaineer of many places,

has shaken his own brake pedal off

but has made it.

JAMES: That's the first car ever to pogo up a hill!

JEREMY: Thanks to John's incredible achievement,

we could now see what was what.

Nice one, Hammond.

-No lakes. -Well, we can now rule it out.

We know it's not there. It must be somewhere else.

-Yeah, it is. -Exactly.

No, no, I mean, it is.

Exactly. It's there.

And so now we know where we are in relation to it.

JEREMY: With the Twin Lakes found,

we could plot the next leg of our journey.

Some Trees are northeast, look.

And there's a Bumpy Meadow beyond.

It's definitely northeast.

After a pleasant drive round the lakes

and past Some Trees,

we eventually arrived at the Bumpy Meadow.

Which didn't sound too bad.

-However... -Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Ah! -Bloody hell!

-Oh! -That's proper bumpy.

Ow!

(ALL THREE GROANING)

(BLEEP) hell!

I can't tell from the map how long this goes on for

but it looks to be forever.

(KNOCKING AND RATTLING)

(GROANING)

Smooth bit. Smooth.

Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.

I'm afraid it's over.

-Ohh! -Ugh!

-Agh! -Oh!

-Agh! -Oh, that was huge.

Ow!

(JAMES GROANS)

RICHARD: Bloody hell!

-(THUD) -Oh! Ooh!

That is 35 minutes of solid this.

-Yeah. Ugh! -Let it end!

(GROANING)

There's the end, look, there.

I know, but it's 300 yards away.

(GROANING)

-Ooh! -Ooh!

I just dislocated my pelvis if that's possible.

It's just snapped back into place.

RICHARD: Oh, God.

(RICHARD AND JAMES SIGH WITH RELIEF)

This is 500 miles. Let's say we've done... even if we've done 100...

Yeah.

Which is probably about right.

Don't think about it.

Oh, 400 more miles of not sleeping, not drinking

and driving over that sort of stuff.

God, bloody hell!

I wouldn't even call that a meadow. It's not a meadow.

I bet it was invented by Genghis Khan for people he hated.

"You can either have my solider

put his hand up your anus and pull your heart out of it

or you can drive across there."

-Bring on the solider. -Yeah. It is bring on the solider.

JEREMY: As evening fell, we exchanged one sort of discomfort for another.

Um...I'm frozen.

-What? -I'm really cold.

And the wind's coming this way.

I drive a lot faster than you did yesterday.

I didn't drive yesterday!

What is the matter with him?

JEREMY: God knows how many miles later,

we came across our next landmark.

Oh, and there it is. That is the Creepy Teepee.

What is it?

(LAUGHS) It must be for something.

JAMES: Well, it must mean something, mustn't it?

JEREMY: The annoying thing is, normally we'd look it up on Google

and then we'd say, with learned faces,

we know what this is and we'd tell the viewer.

Well, what we've actually got to say now is,

"We haven't got any phone service. You have. You look it up.

Teepee, Mongolia."

If you wouldn't mind looking it up, what it is,

and then imagine we're imparting that information to you

-in a very learned fashion. -I'll do it.

(MOUTHS)

James, that's fascinating.

Thank you for telling me all about this thing.

-Ooh. -What?

Look at this.

That looks like bone and string.

-That's a proper piece of kit. -I know.

RICHARD: That's a Mongolian bow.

Ooh.

-Is it finders, keepers, or can I have it? -It's finders, keepers.

I'm just checking.

Look, we don't know what this is, do we?

No. Are we going to camp here? Because it's still light.

Should we press on a bit further?

We can go a bit more. It's only half seven.

If we camp here, what are we gonna do?

We'll have the tent up by eight, fire lit by ten past.

-What do we then think at ten past eight? -Well, what we'd normally do

-is drink heavily and set fire to that. -Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-But that can't happen. -No, I know.

But I'm not gonna be able to resist...

-(RICHARD LAUGHS) -So I'm just not... Let's go far away from here.

Let's move on from the Creepy Teepee.

JEREMY: And so, on a glorious evening, we did that.

Until eventually...

-Jeremy, you've been driving for 12 hours straight. -Yeah.

-You've done really well and you must be exhausted. -Here we go.

-Well, no, I tell you what, why don't I... -Yes, yeah, go on.

-Really? -Yes.

I can't sit listening to this twittering on any more.

-Quickly. -Really? I'll gladly... Brilliant.

-Thank you. -Really?

Well, he just won't shut up. "Can I drive? Can I drive?"

-Well, I mean, it's fair enough. -"Can I drive? Can I drive?

-I built it. I want to drive." -Thank you very much.

-First is over towards James. -Oh-ho!

-Oh, yeah. -Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What? What?

Well, I'm just thinking, hang on...

This is literally the most perfect spot.

-He's right, actually. -Why don't we pitch camp here?

-What? -That is a top camping site.

-Look at the view. -I mean, look at the view there.

No, seriously, that is a... Even you've got to admit that's a perfect camp site.

Yeah, shut it down, Hammond. We'll pitch camp here.

(ENGINE STOPS)

JAMES: With that decided, Hammond and I got the fire going

and then waited for the food and beverage manager to work his magic.

-I didn't stop you driving. -You did.

-How? -Suddenly deciding to camp here.

Well, come on, you must admit this is the perfect...

Even you can't find anything to criticise about this

and you're a camping enthusiast.

-It's very nice, yeah. -It's perfect.

But there's plenty of nice--

-Guys? -What?

Have you seen the ration boxes for tonight and tomorrow?

No, that's your department.

I know, but I put them in that box this morning and they've gone.

All we've got is night six.

We've got night six

and we've got bread-making kit, which is flour and rice.

Oh, no, hang on a minute. Where were the ration boxes?

Well, I thought they were in that back box.

That's where I've been keeping them the whole time.

-You know, the one on the right. -Yes.

The lid of that was bouncing up and down when you did the Pac-Man thing.

I bet they fell out.

Well, that's actually really bad.

Well, we've got ration six,

which is for the night after tomorrow,

which gives us tomato and pasta salad,

Thai-style chicken soup, tomato and pasta salad.

Oh, no. I do apologise.

No, it's all right. Relax.

We've got two sachets of instant coffee

and one sachet of creamer.

Well, you can't... No, I'm sorry, I don't buy that.

I have done high and low searching.

-Were they boxes like that? -Yeah, they're boxes exactly like that.

Did you strap them to the back, on there?

Because I've taken that sand ladder off today.

Were any of them on top of here because all of this has come off?

-All of that. -I didn't put it in there.

Bloody hell. Are you sur...

I'm 100% sure.

Honestly, I've looked everywhere.

Well, if we were sensible,

we'd have how many nights is it?

He reckons we need three more nights.

And there's three sachets.

-So we'd be down to a third of a sachet each. -Yeah.

And each sachet contains, what is it, 6,000 calories or something?

Well, there's a lot of food value in them cos they're for soldiers.

So what if we share one?

I... Something'll turn up.

Let's just pretend this hasn't happened and eat the lot.

It's always my philosophy.

JEREMY: The next morning, after another sober and sleepless night,

it became obvious that the lack of drink

was having a strange effect on one of my colleagues.

What are you doing?

I've had an idea. It's raining, yeah?

We need windscreen wipers. We don't have one on there.

So I thought of how to build one. Got all this rubber.

Sandwich that. Two pieces of wood.

Big piece of wood over the back of it.

Bit of string round it. We can operate it as a windscreen wiper.

What's all that racket?

Well, somebody's kidnapped Richard Hammond

and replaced him with this Richard Hammond lookalike,

who got up early, had an idea by himself,

is executing it by himself and it's a windscreen wiper.

And you borrowed my book last night on the history of Mongolia.

It's very, very good as well. I've just got to the visit from those monks

when they're first over there and first encounter Mongolian culture,

which until then simply hadn't been known about.

Anyway, I've got to get on with this. I've nearly done it.

The only slight problem I can see

-with the new dynamic Richard Hammond... -Mm.

...is that he might get his memory back.

-A sober Richard Hammond. -I see what you mean, yeah.

Um...let's get this straight. When did he drive?

-The day before yesterday. -The day before yesterday.

-And he drove last night. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.

-So it's my turn, isn't it? -It's your turn, yeah.

-Did he... Has he really made a windscreen wiper? -Yeah.

And it sounds like it'll work.

-We'll bring him along again. -(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: We then set off.

And exactly 17 seconds later,

conversation reverted to the principal issue at hand.

Last night, I had a dream about a glass of wine.

You're dreaming about wine now.

And I can tell you it was a Sancerre.

It had that fantastic acidic hit at the beginning

and then a couple of seconds later that slight warmth in the roof of my mouth.

It was fantastic. And then I woke up and it wasn't true.

And I nearly wept.

You know what we should call this car, really, instead of John?

-What, Gin? -Rehab!

(ALL LAUGH)