All language subtitles for The Grand Tour - S03E13 - Survival of the Fattest_ENG1

(BELLS JANGLE)

(WIND HOWLS)

Hello, and welcome
to a Grand Tour special,

which comes to you from

the emptiest, most sparsely
populated country on Earth.

Mongolia.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

Now, ordinarily when we
go on these adventures,

we have a vague idea
about the sort of things
that we might be doing.

But this time, we don't.

RICHARD: No, not a clue.

The situation is,
we took off from

the capital city of
Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar,

and flew for two,
two-and-a-half hours,

over terrain
that was much like this.

Actually, quite familiar.

Unthreatening.

But it was completely empty.

It was like flying over the
whole of the British Isles

and not seeing a town,
a village, a road,

a powerline, a quarry,
not even a farm.

There wasn't a shred of
evidence, from what we saw
out of the aeroplane window,

that man has ever existed.

Yeah, this is what the world
would have looked like,

pretty much,
on about page three of the
Book of Genesis, I reckon.

And then
we were dropped off here...

(CHUCKLES)
...and we don't know why.

We don't know anything.

An hour or so later,
though...

(CAMERA POWERING UP)

(WHIRRING OF ROTOR BLADES)

That's a chopper.

-There, look.
-Yeah.

Why isn't he landing?

What's he doing?

-Whoa, look at this.
-Look!

RICHARD: Hang on a minute.

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Whoa.
-Look at that.

What's he dropping?

JEREMY: It's got to be
supplies. Firewood...

RICHARD: Food.
JEREMY: Shelter.

JAMES: Hats.

-Hats?
-Well, you need a hat.
It's sunny.

They're not gonna
fly out hats to us.

So that... He's...
That's him gone, then.

-He's not landing.
RICHARD: Oh.

Does that mean
we're not going home, then?

RICHARD: James, the
helicopter has buggered off.

And we're alone with
three boxes full of quiche
or something.

Well, let's go
and have a look, then.

JEREMY: I mean, what
we really need is transport.

RICHARD:
Yeah. That would be useful.

JAMES: They haven't
got cars in them.

-Could you get a car in that?
-No, look, it's thin.

It's only about that wide.

-So this is
the webbing that...
-Well, that comes off.

Oh, hello, there's a crowbar
there. So that's...

Good.

Right, lifting it here.

-That's it.
-Stand clear.

Oh!

-Well...
-Water.

-What's in...
-The hell...

Oh, shit. Is that an engine?

That's an engine.

A TDi of some sort.

Vehicle lights?

JEREMY: That is a rear axle.
RICHARD: It is.

That's a master cylinder.

Guys, I don't need to look
in the other one.

We've an engine,
we've headlights,
we've a rear axle.

There's enough spare parts
to build a car.

-Yeah.
-Oh, come on.

What, here?

JEREMY: As the other two
opened the third crate,

I found a mysterious bag.

OK, well, straight away,
that's a windscreen.

Which confirms it.

-Yep.
-Guys...

What is it, a Land Rover?

-What's that?
-I have a letter.

The nearest civilisation
is a town called Moron.

-Is it?
-There's a surprise.

"It's hundreds of miles away.

In order to reach it,
you must build the contents
of these boxes.

You have enough food
and water for seven days."

What's that?

RICHARD: That's the town.
JEREMY: Moron.

-And that's the start.
JEREMY: We're here.

It says "Map not to scale."

JEREMY: There's a surprise.

This has been drawn
by EH Shepard.

Look, "Rather Boggy and Sad."

"Deep River of Despair."

-"Floody Place."
-"Lots of Trees."

"Wibbly Wobbly Bridge",
"Very Big Crack".

Well, that's not very useful,
is it?

Well, we've got to go
northeast, haven't we?

But how far is that?

Well, we don't know.
He said "hundreds of miles".

Yes, but first...

-What?
-All we need to do is
assemble this lot into a car.

RICHARD: As there was
no instruction manual,

May and I began to
go through the components.

This is chassis, isn't it?
But it's in two halves.

While our mechanically inept
colleague made himself useful

by moaning about
the camping equipment.

That's not a bed!

-It's a mattress.
-In...

-It's not a mattress!
-It is.

If you go to
Peter Jones and say,

"Can I have a mattress?"
they don't give you this.

-The heaviest bit
is the engine...
-Yes.

...which is over there,
so we need to take
the other bits over there.

-Yes, that's
a very good idea.
-Let's do that.

(JEREMY WAILS SPOOKILY)

-Jeremy's pretending
to be a ghost.
-I'll pretend to be scared.

To be a ghost,
you first have to be dead.

RICHARD: Nice work.

So what we should do
is lay everything out.

Why not put the parachute out
as a dust sheet, put it all
on the parachute?

Good idea.

If we lay it out, it can be
the floor of our workshop.

-If either of you
have any emergencies...
-No!

-Hey, Hammond.
-Yeah?

-It's a Land Rover engine,
you'll be pleased to know.
-Is it?

JEREMY: "Hey, Hammond.
Hey, Hammond."

-Why don't you do something
useful? Unwrap something.
-"Hey, Hammond.

Hammond."

JEREMY: As my colleagues
fiddled about

with stuff
I didn't understand...

That says
"Chassis mid-section."

...I found something
that I did.

Hello!

I wasn't expecting that.

However, there was a problem.

-Just pop that down
for a second.
-Yes.

-This is a box of rations,
OK?
-Yes.

Now, forgive me
but I could swear...

RICHARD: Oh, God.

-Why would Wilman do that?
-Because he's evil.

Why would he send us a car
in bits that isn't a car?

I don't care about
the car in bits.

He and both of you, actually,
are quite capable of
doing that.

This, on the other hand,
is a catastrophe.

-How many of those
have you found?
-One.

Why don't you
trouble yourself
with matters food-related?

-That's a good idea.
-Gather it together in one
place, see what we've got.

So, I see. So I become
food and beverage manager
of the project?

-If you want to call it that.
-If you like.

A bit like Robert De Niro
in Casino.

In every conceivable way.

He was the food and beverage
manager of the casino.

And I shall be the food
and beverage manager
of our little project.

OK, from now on
we'll call you Robert.

-Why don't you gather all
the food-related things...
-Thank you.

-Off you go, Robert.
-It's my middle name.

-Mr De Niro.
-Mr De Niro, yes.
That'll be great.

RICHARD: Whilst the raging
baboon went off to sort
the food and beverages,

James and I continued to
unpack the components.

JAMES: Oh, wait a minute,
that's got pedals
attached to it.

-Oh, yeah.
-So that's the bulkhead
essentially.

And eventually the giant
Airfix kit was laid out.

That's where
we will build it.

This is our workshop.

JAMES: I would say we've got
hundreds of components,

not including fasteners
and things.

JEREMY: Meanwhile,
in the lee of a nearby hill,

I had been very
busy as well.

Right,
I've got the campsite built.

Two tents here
for the snorers.

One over there for me,
so I can't hear them.

There's the lavatory.
And now...

I'm gonna start work
on lunch.

Which meant making fire.

Yes.
(STRAINED) Yes!

Please!

So, gearbox on.

-Yeah.
-Yep.

RICHARD: Back at base,
we were doing well...

There, that's it, whoa.

...even though James
was being very annoying.

Hang on, let's just think
about where all...

We haven't got the nuts and
bloody fasteners ready.

Let's just get on with it.
Get it lined up.

OK.

-That's quite good.
-Offer it up.

Push forwards. Yes.

-Oh-ho-ho!
-Well done.

-Hey, James.
-21.

I've got a metal willy.

RICHARD:
Captain OCD, however,

was not in the mood
for willy gags.

Where the chuffing hell
has it gone?

This is why you put 'em back
in the same place.

Where did you put it
last time you had the 19?

-Oh, for God's sake...
-Ratchet.

...just find any (BLEEP)
spanner?

JEREMY: With absolutely
no help at all

from the cameraman's
lighter,

I had struck gold.

I have made fire!

Right.

Right, what have we got?

These are British Army
rations. Oh, God!

I'm... I've stuck my knife
through that one.

So the water's gonna get
in there and spoil it a bit.

Tropical fruit and nut mix.
Mm, I like that.

I might just deny
this was ever in it.

Mm.

Lift.

So that goes up,
axle goes underneath.

Lower it down on that,
Bob will be our uncle.

-Straighten up.
-Yeah.

-There you go.
-Bump stop on.

RICHARD: After many hours
of hard work,

we had made
cracking progress.

-It is on its own wheels.
-Rolling chassis!

Look at that!

Which meant we were famished

when Mr De Niro
finally got back.

-Chaps.
-Hello.

-I've got your lunch.
-Oh, about bloody time.

-Oh, sorry it's a bit late.
-Yeah, it's tea really,
isn't it?

That's yours and mine.
They were the same.
But, no, it's...

What's this?

It looks like cat sick.

It should look like that.
That's how it is.

But the bag
may have got a bit snicked.

Unfortunately, I licked that,
so this is mine.

It's stone cold, man.

What have you been doing
all this time?

Well, I might ask you
the same question.

I have built a town, a sewage
system and a restaurant.

I have cooked in
the restaurant and I
have brought you your food.

-Which is cold.
-You meanwhile
have bolted some wheels.

You've done
literally nothing.

Are you kidding?
We've got a rolling chassis.
We've got the engine in.

How do you think we did that
and got those axles on?

-All right, start it up.
-It doesn't go yet.

We would have
got a bit further on

if we hadn't insisted on
lining up the damn...

-I haven't been
lining up the tools.
-You did. You did.

-I've been saying...
-We would have spent
more time...

...keep the fasteners
in the right place,

otherwise Hammond
puts the wrong ones in.

You're talking over
each other. Can you do it
one at a time?

The one that you wanted
was over here in the dust.

I am making
an executive decision here.

-Hammond is in charge of
the build of this car.
-What?

You can't make Hammond
in charge of the build.
You're not in a position to.

-We have to have
a vote on it.
-Listen.

I don't know how to build
a car, so that's me out, OK?

You, May, you do know
how to build a car

but it'll take you six
months, so you're out.

Hammond, he sort of
knows how to build a car
but he'll do it quickly.

So he has to be in charge.

He has to get you speeded up.

-OK, I'm only doing what
Hammond tells me to do.
-Right, good.

Sir, not wishing to
speak out of turn

but is there any reason
why I shouldn't do that

with an extension
on a socket wrench, sir?

-Stop calling me "sir"
and just...
-Just... James...

He doesn't know
what he's doing.

Would either of you two
like a beer? Would that
calm you down?

-Oh, yes.
-Yes, it would.

Right, as food
and beverages manager,

I shall go
and get you one.

I'll have a beer, please,
Robert.

JEREMY: With the promise of
beer, harmony was restored.

So this should line up.

It does.

So we've got
two different lengths,
three different lengths...

RICHARD: Let's move it
and then go forwards.

Wait. Move forwards.

JAMES: Hang on. There's
a cable or something.

RICHARD:
That's the axle breather.

Just move it
and then go forwards.

(JEREMY HUMS)

Er...

-What are you looking for?
-What are you doing?

I've searched everywhere.
They haven't sent any beer.

Or gin or wine
or alcohol of any sort.

Is that serious
or is that a joke?

MAN: No, it's serious.

-Seriously there isn't any?
-No beer.

No alcohol, nothing.

And it's seven days away?

-We've got...
It takes seven...
-And it's six o'clock.

How long is it gonna
take you to build this?

It's now five past six.

Well, we're not going to be
finished tonight, are we?

We're not gonna
finish it tonight.

JAMES: Spurred on
by the catastrophic
alcohol situation...

Bulkhead support.
Bulkhead support!

...Hammond and I
put in a big shift.

And then, tired and hungry,
we went to the camp

for some more of Mr De Niro's
gourmet catering.

Right, now, what do you
want for supper?

-What have you got?
-You can have hot chocolate
drink, regular flavour.

-For dinner?
-Well, biscuits, fruit?

Again, for dinner?

I didn't provide this.

Well, there's some sort of
curry-based things here.

-Do you want those?
-I don't like curry.

-You do like curry.
-Not really.

You're just being obtuse,
Hammond.

You're in a bad temper
because you're not drunk.

I'm not sure this is how
you're supposed to cook it.

It isn't. You put them in
boiling water
but I couldn't be bothered.

Well, why didn't you rig up
a way of putting that pan
over the fire?

-Well, you...
-With some water in it,
then...

Who built the wigwam fire?
You did.

Well, why didn't you make
a hangy thing for the pan?

Out of what, mountains?

Just...

Eugh, God.

-It's still freezing.
-I know.

JEREMY: Not only
was dinner cold and terrible,

it was also rather boring.

What do people talk about
when they don't drink?

-I don't know actually.
-(SPITS)

It's a good point.

Brexit?

JEREMY: We've worked together
now for many years.

And we've never struggled
to think of anything
to say before.

But I think that's partly
because we can never remember
what we said last time.

-So we just do it again.
-Yeah, that's a fact, that.

What, you're saying we've
just been repeating ourselves
every night for the last--

Yes, that's possible.

JEREMY: Because
we hadn't had any booze,

we woke the next morning
looking ten years younger.

Ready? Oh, down a bit.

Hammond and May
then went off to work.

-This is the canopy
fixing kit.
-That's the one.

And later, I turned up
with a hearty breakfast.

Of water.

Can I just say, what you've
built here appears to have
a central driving position.

-It does.
-Yes.

-It's mid-engined.
-Yes.

-It's a McLaren F1.
-It's a McLaren...

Except it's four-wheel-drive.

So it has a sort of
Lamborghini quality.

I mean, when we get
the bodywork on it...

-Ah.
-Yeah, that's a good point.

There isn't any bodywork
as such.

No. The plan is for us
to improvise bodywork

out of the wood that
came in the crates.

That's the only thing
there is to use.

-What, turn the crates
into a body?
-That's all we've got.

-Yeah.
-Red, white and blue?

Don't say red and white
because they remind me
of wine.

No, red, white...
Pink is wine.

Drink is clear. It's gin.

It's good for you.
It's healthy.

-Yeah, it's done you
a lot of good.
-A natural product.

James and Richard
then cracked on
with the oily stuff.

Yes.

And, since it didn't require
any actual skill,

I was allowed to
help make the body.

-I have made a door!
RICHARD: You have.
That is a door. Brilliant.

I am a manufacturer of doors!

JAMES: As he set about
making another one...

Give it four or five pumps
and then hold your foot on.

No bubbles. Good.

...Richard and I
were working on the brakes,

the lights and the roof.

Oh, yeah. We just need to
gather it up and tie it off
in corners and things.

That'll keep the sun off.

Our plan was to get finished

and get moving
by early afternoon.

But at the end of the day,
the situation was not good.

-So all that wiring has
got to be connected up?
RICHARD: Yeah.

I haven't even got
the back lights on yet.

There's loads of wires.

Well, there's no way
we're gonna get
that done tonight.

-No.
-No.

Again.

Phil, it said in that letter
from Mr Wilman

that it was hundreds of miles
to this town called Moron.

How many hundreds? Seriously.

To be honest with you,
I haven't got a clue.

So it could be 500?

It... I'd say more than that.

-More?
-What?

How much of it is on,
like, paved roads where
we can make progress?

-None. None of it.
-None?

-There's no roads?
-No.

But you've got
an off-road vehicle.

Yes, I know.
But we've only got...

What is it? ...five
days of provisions left.

-Yeah.
-And that's if we
can get it going tomorrow.

-We'll have to do...
at least 100 miles a day...
-Yeah.

-...off road in that...
-Yeah.

...or we'll starve to death.

Well, that's if it's
500 miles. What if
it's 600 miles?

-We'll have to do more.
-We don't know.

JAMES: All we did know was
that we'd have yet another
night in Mr De Niro's hotel,

using up yet more
valuable rations.

So that's the main fuse.
That comes off the battery,
doesn't it?

The next morning we rose
at five to finish the job.

There's technical stuff
in there.

And then, having built
two boots for all
our provisions...

Nothing is to be wasted.

Everything is to be taken.

...our car
was finally finished.

And since our lives
depended on not crashing,

Jeremy and I secretly agreed
that Hammond should never
be allowed to drive it.

-Right, this is it.
-Here we go.

(ENGINE STARTS)

JAMES: Yes!
(JEREMY LAUGHS)

RICHARD:
Oh, my God, it works!

JAMES: Good, OK, right...
-Oh, James, important thing.

In Mongolia,
when you start on a journey,
you have to turn right.

-What?
-Is that true?
-Yes, that is true.

-Is that a thing?
-It is genuinely a thing.

-What, every time?
-Every time
that you begin a journey

-you go right.
-Right, here we go.

This is it.

-Right, James!
-Right, right, right!

-Right.
-That's a rut
or something.

James, you're going left.

Hang on, the wheels are...

-Hey?
-Just turn it... OK, go left.

And now set off.

The steering's back to front,
Hammond.
How have we done that?

-What do you mean
it's back to front?
-Look, I'm turning left.

No, you're not,
you're just going straight.

-Turn it the other way, then.
-If I turn it the other way,
that's straight.

And now I'm turning right
and it's going left.
So I need to keep...

What have you two been
doing for the last two days?

We put the hydraulic pipes on
the wrong way round
for the steering.

Yes.

JAMES: Having fixed this
minor issue, we set off.

Again.

Ha-ha! It works!
We're going along!

Our car is great.

The ride is good.

-It's not bad, is it?
-It's genuinely brilliant.

-Can we have a mild
brake test?
-Yeah, OK, here we go.

-Whoa! Come on!
-Like it? They're
pretty good, actually.

Well, whoever bled those,
well done. Good job.

-That was you, wasn't it?
-No.

But the doors I can claim.

And the number plates.

JEREMY: We had no idea
how far it was to Moron

and no real idea
of how to get there.

But Mr Wilman's stupid map

said we should head
first of all

to the Sandy Pit.

-Right, you see between
those two...mountain valley?
-Yeah.

Stick to the valley floor.

JAMES: As we trundled along,
it soon became obvious

that if Jeremy had been asked
questions about Mongolia

on Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire?

he might have got
some of them right.

RICHARD: Sheeps.
JAMES: Sheepses.

Oh, do you know how they
kill sheep in Mongolia?

-No.
-Would you like to know?

-Your door's come open.
-Yes.

-So they make a snick
in its neck, yes...
-Yes.

...put their hand
in through the snick,

grab the aorta on the heart
and squeeze it
till the animal dies.

Apparently it makes
the sheep feel quite sleepy.

-Sleepy?
-I'm not sure,

if somebody made a hole in
my neck and put their hand
in and squeezed my heart

-I'd say I'm feeling sleepy.
-No.

Wow, look! Cows.

Or yakky things.

Did you know, Hammond,
that you can make vodka
from the milk of a yak?

How do I milk a yak?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually,
we started to climb
off the valley floor.

How fast do you
suppose we're going?

-No idea.
JAMES: 20mph?

This old engine
was the one where it would
get bogged down off-road

because of the turbo,
wasn't it?

This is the one that
people complained about

when they put it in
the Defender.

So we're not talking about
a blitz of power, then,
from it?

No, but they're bloody
long-lived... They're
really tough engines.

JEREMY: Oh, oh, oh!
RICHARD: Wait a minute.

-Wow!
-Oh, my God!

JAMES: Oh, look at that!

That's the sandy bit.

That's massive.

JEREMY: In fact, it was
just a small detached bit
of the Gobi Desert.

But even so, it would
be the first real test

for our hastily built
homemade car.

Oh, right, there is a river.

JAMES: I see it.

RICHARD: I think we want to
get out where that horse is.

-The horse is...
-Literally having a piss.

JEREMY: That's milk, though,
coming out of it.
How's that happened?

RICHARD: No, it's wee.

JEREMY: Yeah, you're good.

-Right, up you go.
-(REVVING)

RICHARD: There it is.

JEREMY: Having reached
the edge of the sand...

...it was time
to prepare for entry.

Right, hang on,
let me just get my compass.

This is where we are
gonna need it.

So I put the N on the N,
don't I?

And then you're looking
for Northeast.

-So that way.
-Yeah.

JEREMY: The car had
a low-range gearbox.

But as its engine
was a bit gutless,

Hammond and I got out
to reduce weight

and set off to climb
the first dune on foot.

Oh, Hammond. Beer.

Agh!

But, boy,
was it worth the effort!

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, holy mother of...

RICHARD: That's beautiful.
I didn't expect this.

JEREMY: Well,
it's a lost world, look.

As we admired the view,

the world's
best off-road driver

was beginning his ascent.

Bollocks!

Be a shame if he misses
this view because of
his incompetence.

-Yeah.
-Because we've
already proved the car works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not the car.
He's just messing about.

Ohh!

JEREMY:
Hammond then went off to
find a route James could use,

leaving me to contemplate the
majesty of my surroundings.

They say this is
the dark heart of Asia.

Perhaps that's
why no-one comes.

But, I mean, look.

And the other thing is,
Genghis Khan

created in just 20 years
the biggest empire
the world has ever seen.

Why? It's not like
he was cramped here.

(SIGHS)

I don't really
want to go to a town.

-Oh, oh!
-(BLEEP) me!

Said the cameraman.

We really are good
at wildlife photography,
aren't we?

-"Ooh, (BLEEP) me!"
-(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: Right, here we come!

JEREMY:
With Hammond's help, James
finally got up the dune.

Yes, come on!
Come on, come on, come on.

Keep going, keep moving.
Mind that dip.

Oh, yes!

But from then on the going
got tougher and tougher.

(GROANS) Come on.

-Yeah, OK.
-That's what I meant,
that's what I meant.

Right, digging.

Yes!

Try it up that way.

-James, back it up.
-Agh.

(ENGINE STRAINS)

Whoa, not again!

-It's gonna go.
JEREMY: Yes!

RICHARD: That worked!
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually,
after a lot of digging
and zigging and zagging,

we reached some firmer sand.

Oh, we are
making progress now.

-Oh, yes.
-Straight on a bit.

-Greenery!
-Yes, there it is!

RICHARD: Salvation!

-Ohh!
-Bumpy.

JEREMY:
Hold on, stop, stop, stop.

Stop. I see a problem.

(JAMES CHUCKLES)

Right, so between us
and our quest is...

-A big drop.
-A cliff.

No, it's fine actually,
James.

Is it?
Yeah, it's fine. It's...

Yeah, you're good.
It's like that.

-Good.
-It's pretty much level-ish.

Yeah, you'll be fine.
Off you go.

Oh, you're funny men!

Oh, you're very funny!

JEREMY: Having crossed
the sandy bit,

we paused for
a moment of celebration.

So, there we are.
The first successful crossing

of the mighty Gobi Desert,

or some of it, in that car.

No, hang on a minute.

What?

What's troubling me
is you see that little
bit of river there?

-Yes.
-That's the river we crossed
to get into the Gobi Desert.

And we've emerged
300 metres away

from the stream
where we went
into the desert.

James,
I've got some bad news.

We are still south
of the Gobi Desert.

Oh...

JEREMY: Rather than try
to drive through it again,

we decided to bravely
drive round it instead.

Right, now, let's just
gloss over the fact that we
made a catastrophic error,

and ended up
back where we started from...

Just go round to...
We're going round the east,
Hammond.

Yes.

JEREMY:
Do you think this passes
for a road in Mongolia?

I suspect this is a road,
yes.

I should think... Yeah.

Cos do you know
how many paved roads

there are in
the whole country?

-Go on.
-Two.

-There's not two paved roads.
-Outside of the cities,

there are only
two paved roads.

Whoa, bumpy.

(ALL GROANING)

-James!
-Bumps!

(ALL GROANING)

One of the things
I'm worried about is

haemorrhoids
from these seats.

It's a very real possibility.

You can get haemorrhoids
from hard seats?

Yeah. Bounc... Jiggling.

However, there is
a Mongolian cure for them.

(GROANING)

Kill a wolf,

remove its anus

and then grate it
onto your food.

I don't fanc--

-Really?
-No, seriously.

Because they reckon that
wolves never get piles.

So they reckon--

What, on the basis that
no wolf has ever said,
"Ooh, my piles"?

"Ooh, my Chalfonts."

RICHARD: Bump! Ooh.

JAMES: As Jeremy
continued to amaze us

with his interesting facts
about Mongolia...

I do know that one of
Genghis Khan's cavalrymen

could shoot an arrow
through a marmot's head

from 250 feet away
while galloping.

...it started to go dark.

But because
we'd covered so few miles,
we had to plough on.

What the temperature is doing
is plummeting.

Where's the heater?

-Ah. There isn't one.
-Yes.

-Look, come on.
-You can thank
Mr Wilman for that one.

RICHARD: Bump!

-(RATTLING)
-Oh-ha!

JEREMY: Soon we couldn't
see where we were going.

-Ready for some lights?
-Yeah, does this thing...
Might be that.

-Lights! There they are!
-(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Hello. We've died.
JAMES: We have died.

RICHARD: Problem.
-Don't panic.

Don't panic. Handbrake,
please, Mr Hammond.

No, we've completely
lost the electrics.

So we turned the lights on
and...

That's what's...
It's fried a fuse, maybe.

JEREMY: The main fuse
had indeed blown.

So we replaced it

and with the roof lights
turned off,

resumed our headlong plunge
into the cold unknown.

(WIND WHISTLING)

JAMES: Let's sing a song!
-No.

JEREMY: Desperate
to cover more ground,

we didn't pitch the tents
till 1am.

And then
after another cold night
of frost-hardened misery,

we wondered how we could make
our car more comfortable.

-Are you stiff?
-Oh, God, yeah.

My neck and back,
like, legs, everything.

Yeah, well, we're gonna...
I think we're gonnna make
extra lumber support

with our rolled up
air mattress things.

And I would suggest from
my experiences yesterday

we use a bit of
the spare leftover foam

and double the thickness
of the arse portion.

I tell you what
I thought of in the night.

-Yes?
-We should give
our vehicle a name.

I thought about that. I came
up with Genghis Car.

-(LAUGHING)
-That's really good!

-It's not bad, is it?
-The only slight problem
with it is

Genghis was
quite a big murderer.

-He was quite murdery.
-I suppose he was murdery.

He did 34 million.

Let's not name it
after him, then.

There's another
problem as well.

-He was quite rapey.
-He was very rapey.

-The rapiest man
ever to have lived.
-Yeah, he was.

Do you know,
and this is not made up,

one in every 200 people
alive today

can trace their ancestry
back to Genghis Khan

or the seed of Genghis Khan.

So how did he have time
to do any warring?

Well, he must have just been
a skin full of sperm.

JEREMY: As work on
the modifications progressed,

I came up with a name
we liked.

-John.
-John's a good solid name.
I like it.

It's honest.
It's unpretentious.

-Dependable people
are called John.
-Yes.

-John Lewis.
-That is a dependable shop.

-Isn't it?
-Yeah, exactly,
because it's called John.

With the comfort mods
complete

and John duly christened...

...we set off in search of
our next waypoint:

the Watery Part.

However,
Hammond was not happy.

Why are you driving?

Well, you drove yesterday.

No, I didn't.

-You did drive yesterday.
-I didn't.

He can't remember anything,
can he?

His memory...
Your memory, Hammond,

is just getting appalling.

I didn't drive.
I still haven't driven it.

To try and distract Hammond,

I came up with some more of
my special Mongol trivia.

Back in the 13th Century,

Khan, Genghis,

could get messages, OK,

from one side of his empire
to the other in four days.

They could do 250 miles
a day. One rider.

-What, relay horses?
-One rider. Yeah.

You'd ride, galloping,
flat out, 25 miles.

When you were a mile out

from the horse station
you were approaching,

you sounded your horn.

They had a horse ready.

You leapt onto it
without getting...

just from one horse
to the other,

and then carried on

and he could do
250 miles a day.

-So how many horses
did he have?
-Across the empire?

-Yeah.
-30 million.

JEREMY:
To keep Hammond's tiny mind
from thinking about driving,

we put him in charge
of navigation.

And weirdly,
he was rather good at it.

So we've got these two
mountain ranges...

and we go left and the watery
bit will be over there.

And guess what?
He was right.

It turned out to be a river,
which we'd have to cross.

Er...can't really
get out there.

Over there we can get out.

Oh, yes.
Picking my route carefully.

You don't need low-range.
You just need somebody
with skill and precision.

Whoa!

RICHARD: Agh!

-That went wrong!
-Jeez!

Why would you do that to us?

Oh, the rest of the day's
gonna be bloody miserable!
You muppet!

JEREMY: To make sure
it wasn't, we built a fire,

dried our shirts,

and then set off once more
into the big nothing.

And after a while, I felt
another Mongolia fact
coming on.

It's about the same size as
Spain, France, Germany, the
Czech Republic, Italy--

-All rolled in?
-...Britain, Ireland,
all rolled in.

RICHARD: And it's empty.

Three million people living
in an area the size of
Western Europe.

-Yeah. Staggering.
-Yeah.

With the sun
gently warming us,

we continued onwards in
search of the Twin Lakes.

Until navigator Hammond
suggested we climb
a small hill

to get our bearings.

That looks a lot steeper
from here

than it did from back there.

It's a little hill.

JEREMY: Soon, though...

Axle tramping.

-Quite a lot of
axle tramping.
-Quite bad.

-Right, stop.
-Yeah.

-I have.
-Right, I think
we should get out.

-Why should you get out?
-I'm the only one
who's driven John up hills

and I'm telling you,
that's too steep.

OK.

-You got it. You got it.
-That's better.

-Yeah!
-Come on, John.

-Wow!
-Come on!

JEREMY: He's hopping up
this hill like a rabbit.

RICHARD:
That is a remarkable sight.

JEREMY:
What a machine you are, John!

Good.

(LAUGHS)

RICHARD: Yeah!
JAMES: That's amazing.

John, the mountaineer
of many places,

has shaken his own
brake pedal off

but has made it.

JAMES: That's the first car
ever to pogo up a hill!

JEREMY: Thanks to John's
incredible achievement,

we could now see
what was what.

Nice one, Hammond.

-No lakes.
-Well, we can now
rule it out.

We know it's not there.
It must be somewhere else.

-Yeah, it is.
-Exactly.

No, no, I mean, it is.

Exactly. It's there.

And so now we know where
we are in relation to it.

JEREMY:
With the Twin Lakes found,

we could plot the next leg
of our journey.

Some Trees
are northeast, look.

And there's
a Bumpy Meadow beyond.

It's definitely northeast.

After a pleasant drive
round the lakes

and past Some Trees,

we eventually arrived
at the Bumpy Meadow.

Which didn't sound too bad.

-However...
-Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Ah!
-Bloody hell!

-Oh!
-That's proper bumpy.

Ow!

(ALL THREE GROANING)

(BLEEP) hell!

I can't tell from the map
how long this goes on for

but it looks to be forever.

(KNOCKING AND RATTLING)

(GROANING)

Smooth bit. Smooth.

Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.

I'm afraid it's over.

-Ohh!
-Ugh!

-Agh!
-Oh!

-Agh!
-Oh, that was huge.

Ow!

(JAMES GROANS)

RICHARD: Bloody hell!

-(THUD)
-Oh! Ooh!

That is 35 minutes
of solid this.

-Yeah. Ugh!
-Let it end!

(GROANING)

There's the end, look, there.

I know,
but it's 300 yards away.

(GROANING)

-Ooh!
-Ooh!

I just dislocated
my pelvis if that's possible.

It's just
snapped back into place.

RICHARD: Oh, God.

(RICHARD AND JAMES
SIGH WITH RELIEF)

This is 500 miles.
Let's say we've done...
even if we've done 100...

Yeah.

Which is probably
about right.

Don't think about it.

Oh, 400 more miles of
not sleeping, not drinking

and driving over
that sort of stuff.

God, bloody hell!

I wouldn't even call that a
meadow. It's not a meadow.

I bet it was invented
by Genghis Khan
for people he hated.

"You can either
have my solider

put his hand up your anus
and pull your heart out of it

or you can
drive across there."

-Bring on the solider.
-Yeah. It is
bring on the solider.

JEREMY: As evening fell,
we exchanged one sort of
discomfort for another.

Um...I'm frozen.

-What?
-I'm really cold.

And the wind's
coming this way.

I drive a lot faster
than you did yesterday.

I didn't drive yesterday!

What is the matter with him?

JEREMY: God knows
how many miles later,

we came across
our next landmark.

Oh, and there it is.
That is the Creepy Teepee.

What is it?

(LAUGHS)
It must be for something.

JAMES: Well, it must mean
something, mustn't it?

JEREMY: The annoying
thing is, normally we'd
look it up on Google

and then we'd say,
with learned faces,

we know what this is
and we'd tell the viewer.

Well, what we've
actually got to say now is,

"We haven't got
any phone service.
You have. You look it up.

Teepee, Mongolia."

If you wouldn't mind
looking it up, what it is,

and then imagine
we're imparting
that information to you

-in a very learned fashion.
-I'll do it.

(MOUTHS)

James, that's fascinating.

Thank you for telling me
all about this thing.

-Ooh.
-What?

Look at this.

That looks like
bone and string.

-That's a proper piece
of kit.
-I know.

RICHARD:
That's a Mongolian bow.

Ooh.

-Is it finders, keepers,
or can I have it?
-It's finders, keepers.

I'm just checking.

Look, we don't know
what this is, do we?

No. Are we
going to camp here?
Because it's still light.

Should we press on
a bit further?

We can go a bit more.
It's only half seven.

If we camp here,
what are we gonna do?

We'll have the tent up by
eight, fire lit by ten past.

-What do we then think
at ten past eight?
-Well, what we'd normally do

-is drink heavily
and set fire to that.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-But that can't happen.
-No, I know.

But I'm not gonna
be able to resist...

-(RICHARD LAUGHS)
-So I'm just not... Let's
go far away from here.

Let's move on
from the Creepy Teepee.

JEREMY: And so, on a glorious
evening, we did that.

Until eventually...

-Jeremy, you've been driving
for 12 hours straight.
-Yeah.

-You've done really well and
you must be exhausted.
-Here we go.

-Well, no, I tell you what,
why don't I...
-Yes, yeah, go on.

-Really?
-Yes.

I can't sit listening to this
twittering on any more.

-Quickly.
-Really?
I'll gladly... Brilliant.

-Thank you.
-Really?

Well, he just won't shut up.
"Can I drive? Can I drive?"

-Well, I mean,
it's fair enough.
-"Can I drive? Can I drive?

-I built it.
I want to drive."
-Thank you very much.

-First is over towards James.
-Oh-ho!

-Oh, yeah.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What? What?

Well, I'm just thinking,
hang on...

This is literally
the most perfect spot.

-He's right, actually.
-Why don't we
pitch camp here?

-What?
-That is a top camping site.

-Look at the view.
-I mean,
look at the view there.

No, seriously, that is a...
Even you've got to admit
that's a perfect camp site.

Yeah, shut it down, Hammond.
We'll pitch camp here.

(ENGINE STOPS)

JAMES: With that decided,
Hammond and I
got the fire going

and then waited for
the food and beverage manager
to work his magic.

-I didn't stop you driving.
-You did.

-How?
-Suddenly deciding
to camp here.

Well, come on, you must admit
this is the perfect...

Even you can't find anything
to criticise about this

and you're
a camping enthusiast.

-It's very nice, yeah.
-It's perfect.

But there's plenty of nice--

-Guys?
-What?

Have you seen
the ration boxes
for tonight and tomorrow?

No, that's your department.

I know, but I put them
in that box this morning
and they've gone.

All we've got is night six.

We've got night six

and we've got bread-making
kit, which is flour and rice.

Oh, no, hang on a minute.
Where were the ration boxes?

Well, I thought they were
in that back box.

That's where I've been
keeping them the whole time.

-You know,
the one on the right.
-Yes.

The lid of that was
bouncing up and down when
you did the Pac-Man thing.

I bet they fell out.

Well, that's actually
really bad.

Well, we've got ration six,

which is for the night
after tomorrow,

which gives us
tomato and pasta salad,

Thai-style chicken soup,
tomato and pasta salad.

Oh, no. I do apologise.

No, it's all right. Relax.

We've got two sachets
of instant coffee

and one sachet of creamer.

Well, you can't... No,
I'm sorry, I don't buy that.

I have done
high and low searching.

-Were they boxes like that?
-Yeah, they're boxes
exactly like that.

Did you strap them
to the back, on there?

Because I've taken
that sand ladder off today.

Were any of them
on top of here because
all of this has come off?

-All of that.
-I didn't put it in there.

Bloody hell. Are you sur...

I'm 100% sure.

Honestly,
I've looked everywhere.

Well, if we were sensible,

we'd have
how many nights is it?

He reckons
we need three more nights.

And there's three sachets.

-So we'd be down to
a third of a sachet each.
-Yeah.

And each sachet contains,
what is it, 6,000 calories
or something?

Well, there's a lot of
food value in them
cos they're for soldiers.

So what if we share one?

I... Something'll turn up.

Let's just pretend
this hasn't happened
and eat the lot.

It's always my philosophy.

JEREMY: The next morning,
after another sober
and sleepless night,

it became obvious
that the lack of drink

was having a strange effect
on one of my colleagues.

What are you doing?

I've had an idea.
It's raining, yeah?

We need windscreen wipers.
We don't have one on there.

So I thought of
how to build one.
Got all this rubber.

Sandwich that.
Two pieces of wood.

Big piece of wood
over the back of it.

Bit of string round it.
We can operate it as
a windscreen wiper.

What's all that racket?

Well, somebody's
kidnapped Richard Hammond

and replaced him with this
Richard Hammond lookalike,

who got up early,
had an idea by himself,

is executing it by himself
and it's a windscreen wiper.

And you borrowed my book
last night on the history
of Mongolia.

It's very, very good as well.
I've just got to the visit
from those monks

when they're first over there
and first encounter
Mongolian culture,

which until then simply
hadn't been known about.

Anyway, I've got to
get on with this.
I've nearly done it.

The only slight problem
I can see

-with the new dynamic
Richard Hammond...
-Mm.

...is that he might
get his memory back.

-A sober Richard Hammond.
-I see what you mean, yeah.

Um...let's get this straight.
When did he drive?

-The day before yesterday.
-The day before yesterday.

-And he drove last night.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.

-So it's my turn, isn't it?
-It's your turn, yeah.

-Did he... Has he really made
a windscreen wiper?
-Yeah.

And it sounds
like it'll work.

-We'll bring him along again.
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: We then set off.

And exactly 17 seconds later,

conversation reverted to
the principal issue at hand.

Last night, I had a dream
about a glass of wine.

You're dreaming
about wine now.

And I can tell you
it was a Sancerre.

It had that fantastic
acidic hit at the beginning

and then a couple of seconds
later that slight warmth
in the roof of my mouth.

It was fantastic.
And then I woke up
and it wasn't true.

And I nearly wept.

You know what we should
call this car, really,
instead of John?

-What, Gin?
-Rehab!

(ALL LAUGH)