Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

I--I understand, miles.

Do the best you can, huh?

Bye.

Miles didn't cancel your date again, did he?

He might stop by. He had another meeting.

I understand things come up,

But tonight was going to be so romantic.

I got candles.

I shaved my legs above the knee.

I even bought a new teddy.

Victoria's secret?

Toys r us.

Rose, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you were looking forward to tonight.

Well, it's not just tonight.

We've owned this hotel for weeks,

And miles still hasn't seen it.

Not to mention the fact

That he's been very inattentive

To some of my other needs.

What do you mean?

Well, it's been a long time since we...

Since we... Played cards.

Really?

How long has it been since you played cards?

Almost three months.

If I don't get my deck shuffled soon...

Uh, o.K., blanche,

These are the guest registers dating back to 1985.

There may be more in the attic.

What? Oh, my goodness.

This name right here.

Jimmy swaggart?

Uh-uh.

Beneath it.

Jimmy swaggart?

Right there. Miles webber!

Oh. So?

There it is again.

Oh, no! Ohh! Miles webber's all through this book.

Miles webber is one of our best customers.

Nice-looking older guy.

I haven't seen him lately. You know him?

Know him? He is rose's boyfriend.

They're practically engaged.

Oh, this news is going to destroy her.

Poor, poor rose.

Blanche, we should not get involved in this.

You're probably just jumping to conclusions.

There are a lot of reasons people check in here.

Why would he come here on a regular basis?

He lives in miami.

You live in miami.

Why would you come here?

Oh, poor, poor rose.

I still don't understand

Why we can't serve my lasagna every night.

I told you, we have to vary the menu,

Give the people choices.

They've got a choice.

They can either eat my lasagna

Or kiss my butt.

O.K., but does your butt come with soup and salad?

What am I going to do?

What's wrong, blanche?

Sophia, I have a big problem.

I wish dorothy was here.

I need her advice.

What about me?

No offense, sophia,

But dorothy gives the best advice.

She always knows what to say.

I always know what to say,

You aging drag queen.

Now what's the problem?

Well, all right.

This is a really big one.

Sophia, I'm afraid maybe miles is cheating on rose.

I don't know what to do.

Should I tell her?

Oh, this screams for a sophia story.

But don't worry. I won't make you beg.

Picture it-- brooklyn, 1957.

Sophia, not another story.

Can't you just get to the point?

Would you tell aesop to just get to the point?

Or the brothers grimm?

Would you tell, uh...

Who else tells stories?

Mark twain.

Too folksy.

O. Henry.

Too ironic.

Ray bradbury.

Science fiction? Feh.

Get to the point!

Fine. Here it is.

And that's why I stopped

Making polio vaccine from scratch.

I don't understand.

Not my problem, miss get-to-the-point.

Well, maybe I can be of some assistance.

I have a little expertise in the field.

You see, somebody cheated on me once,

Somebody I loved and trusted...My wife.

Well, my ex-wife.

Actually, I'd love to say

My late ex-wife, but she's still--

Get to the point-- any point.

Oh, o.K. The point is

That I think you should tell rose.

I wouldn't want her to find out like I did.

H-how did you find out?

Graffiti.

Excuse me.

Have you found a pair of sunglasses?

Are these them?

Yes!

Lobby tax.

Of course.

Here's $5.00.

Thank you.

This isn't what you think.

How can you look me in the eyes?

I did nothing wrong. I was just--

I mean, you're just a kid.

How come you're as tall as I am?

What's going on here?

So I was using the lost-and-found to make money.

I was being enterprising.

What's the big deal?

You were doing something called extortion.

You're not going to tell roland, are you?

Of course. I have to set an example

So you know right from wrong.

But then again,

$5.00 could make me forget

This whole sordid incident.

What?

To be honest,

I'll probably forget anyway,

But 5 bucks will seal the deal.

But that's blackmail.

It's just as bad as extortion.

Such a little boy

To be using such big words...

Cough it up!

Penny for your thoughts, sophia.

You're stupid,

And that's on the house.

Rose...

We have to talk.

Oh, no. This is bad news, isn't it?

Conversations that start with "we have to talk"

Always end with bad news.

Rose, let's sit down.

Oh, my god.

"we have to talk" and "let's sit down"?

Somebody died.

It's about miles.

Miles is dead?

No, miles is alive...

Very much alive.

In fact, rose,

I have proof that miles has been unfaithful to you.

What?

Today, going through the guest ledgers,

I found his name... Several times.

Before we bought this hotel,

Miles was a regular on Wednesday nights.

Roland has seen him here.

Wednesday is the night he plays poker.

Well, there must be some explanation.

Hasn't he been canceling a lot of dates lately?

That's because he's had a lot of meetings lately.

Meetings...At night.

Mm-hmm. This also explains

Why he hasn't been by the hotel yet.

Trust me on this.

I know when a man cheats. I can sense it.

When I get this tense, tight feeling in my loins,

It speaks to me. It says adultery!

Boy, and I thought señor wences was talented.

Honey, I'm so sorry about this.

This doesn't make any sense.

Miles loves me. I know he does.

He's...He's...

He's here!

Oh, my god. Rose, he's here.

I want to act as if nothing has happened.

Give miles a chance to explain.

Will you look at this place?

Blanche, rose-- it is beautiful!

I'm sorry I'm late.

At least I got here.

What took you so long, sweetheart?

Well, I stopped off for a sandwich.

Oh, sure. A sandwich. That's a good one.

Blanche, please, we agreed.

What kind of a sandwich, sweetheart?

Tuna fish.

Liar!

All right. It was a cheeseburger.

I didn't want to hear that cholesterol speech again.

Was the sex better with her?

And don't lie again.

Sex? What are you talking about?

You've been cheating. I told her.

You did what?

You've been coming here for a long time with other women.

I saw your name in the guest register.

That's impossible!

I've never been here before.

What's going on here?

Stop it!

I deserve better than this.

Rose, calm down now.

You never loved me.

Just admit it! You never loved me.

Rose, that's not true.

Rose, rose!

Ha ha ha!

Let's have a nice round of applause

For our golden palace players

In their living theater production

Of come back, little sheba.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please, join us tomorrow when we will do

Our critically acclaimed version of li'l abner.

Good night. Good night.

All right. Come on.

I don't know why you did that,

But you have destroyed our relationship.

I hope you're satisfied.

Oh, the nerve of him--

Caught red-handed, and he still lies through his teeth.

But you can't fool blanche devereaux.

I could see the pathetic grasping desperation

All over miles' guilt-ridden face.

Wait. Hold it. That was miles?

Oh, boy.

There is a miles weber who is a regular,

But that wasn't him.

Oops.

Here, rose. Drink this.

Maybe I overreacted.

I should have let miles explain.

There is no excuse.

That guy doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you.

You should go out

And find yourself another boyfriend.

It would serve him right

If I went out and had an affair with another man,

A real man. That'd teach him.

Boy, if I could lay my hands

On some virile, masculine hunk,

I'd do it.

Ahem.

I've worn women's clothing.

Really?

I never felt so free.

Maybe I'm kidding myself.

Miles would never be threatened

By just anybody.

It would have to be somebody dark and mysterious,

Someone dangerous and forbidden.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Roland, what are you doing tonight?

I don't have plans.

Because rose is looking for a real man to sleep with.

Aside from painting my toenails.

Darn.

I'll never find anybody as good as miles.

You're still breaking up with miles?

After what he did? Of course.

Promise me when you settle down with a woman

Or whoever.

That you'll be faithful.

Didn't blanche tell you what happened?

About what?

There is a miles weber

Who's a regular at this hotel,

But he's a different miles weber than yours.

I told blanche that two hours ago.

What?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

It's o.K.

Now if you'll both excuse me,

I have to go kick some gravy-sucking,

Gopher-eating, cousin-humping southern butt

From here to chattanooga!

Excuse me.

I didn't order a baked potato.

I ordered rice.

All right.

We need rice!

I have something to tell you.

I bet.

What lies are you going to tell me

About miles this time?

How many women he cheated on me with?

How many times he did it while I was on vacation?

How he liked to cut pictures of jackie collins

Out of old people magazines

And sleep with them under his pillow?

Well, tell me something I don't know, blanche!

You told her about miles!

You couldn't wait for me to do it?

How did I get involved?

I distinctly remember trying not to get involved in this.

Rose, I was only trying to be a good friend.

Why didn't you tell me immediately

This was all a misunderstanding?

I wanted to, but it was hard for me.

I was scared.

I was afraid you might get mad at me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Like always, you were too concerned with blanche,

About what would happen to you.

You cared more about that

That my relationship with miles.

Some friend.

We shouldn't do this--

You stay out of this. You've said enough!

As far as I'm concerned, our friendship is over!

Yes!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Hey, guys, rose wanted some decaf.

O.K. Oh, whoa!

Come here, little man.

Sophia says you've been using the lost-and-found

To extort money from the guests.

She got 5 bucks to keep quiet.

Don't interrupt. Chuy?

Look, the point is that we all care about you.

We want you to know what's right.

We're trying to be role models.

She took my 5 bucks.

Some are doing a better job than others.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make easy money.

Promise you won't do it anymore.

All right, I promise.

O.K.

There any chance of me getting my 5 bucks back?

There may be $5.00 waiting on your dresser.

Really? Great!

Why can't I feel guilt?

It's just one of those silly coincidences,

That's all.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, I feel so dumb, miles.

Oh, rose. It was just an honest mistake.

I must have been out of my mind.

I even planned a way to get back at you.

Oh, revenge, huh?

You're so cute.

What were you going to do,

Call me on the phone and hang up,

Ring the doorbell and run away?

I hired an ex-green beret

To tamper with your brakes.

I decided at the last second

I couldn't go through with it.

You were still my fella.

You will always be--

At do you mean, "at the last second"?

I'm glad it's over.

Now I have to figure how I can work here

Without ever talking to blanche.

Rose, I think you're overreacting.

And I'm also upset with sophia.

She was a little too eager

To give me that green beret's phone number.

Look, I think you ought to forgive blanche.

Listen, I was upset, too,

But we're human. We all make mistakes, rose.

She tried to make me think

You were cheating on me.

Although I'd have to be a pretty big idiot

To believe it.

The very idea of you cheating on me.

It's really silly when you think of it.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha.

Ohh. Eh...

Heh heh heh?

Rose...

We have to talk.

I sure hope you're about to tell me somebody died.

About six months ago, rose, I--

I was eating in a restaurant,

And I met this waitress.

Her name is fern,

And we-- we got to talking,

And, well, her husband had just died.

Oh, thank god. Somebody died.

No, sweetheart. That's not where I'm going.

Oh?

We found we had so much in common.

We've developed a very special relationship.

We've become very close, rose.

I don't believe this.

Sweetheart, I--I didn't mean

To fall in love with two women,

But I did, and I'm very confused.

I don't know what to do.

At my age, I can't afford to make the wrong choice.

Choice? This isn't the pepsi challenge, miles.

When I think of all that we've shared--

And for you not to be sure.

If we talk about it,

Maybe we'll work something out.

If you don't know by now

That I'm the only one for you,

There's nothing to work out.

Oh, no, rose--

I want you to leave.

Rose, don't...

Miles?

Why did you decide to tell me?

Even though blanche

Didn't get her facts straight,

Somehow she was right about me.

Her loins can talk, you know.

That'sice, rose.

But I realized that blanche

Is a better friend to you than I am,

And I couldn't let you throw that friendship away.

Thank you.

You think maybe...

Maybe someday, uh...

Oh, oh, rose, honey.

Roland told me about miles.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry for all the things I said to you.

It turns out you were right.

Wish I hadn't been.

He's gone, blanche. Miles is gone.

Oh, god. What am I supposed to do now?

You could try doing what I always do

When a relationship ends.

Blanche, I'm not going to get naked

And call the fire department.

They're public servants. You pay your taxes.

All right.

Why don't you just try thinking of this

As a new beginning?

You're very special.

If this didn't work out,

It's probably because

There's somebody out there even more wonderful

Just waiting for you.

I just thought...

Miles was the one.

This is without a doubt

The worst production of li'l abner

I have ever seen!

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.