Original subtitles

Ryan, look what I got for you.

Now, you're only allowed to have one slice, my little honey hog.

What is this?

Your article about getting hit by a car

just became the most viewed article in the site's history.

Second is Samantha's essay about not actually caring when her grandma died.

She really wasn't that great.

Wow.

Thank you.

So will you do a follow-up post for me?

Just something like "Still Limping But Still Living Life."

Et cetera. Et cetera.

You got it.

Ryan, that's bullshit and you know it.

What are you talking about?

That cake is from Vons.

On the hierarchy of grocery store cake, a Vons is at the bottom.

Albertsons is at the top.

You're right.

It is bullshit.

It's a bullshit cake.

Hey, Cortana.

Skype Ryan Hayes.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hi.

- Did you get my text? - Yes.

The triple berry cake? Really? That's what you want for your birthday?

It's so played out.

Oh, come on!

I asked you to do this one thing for me.

Sweet Lady Jane is just around the corner.

It's not that hard.

Ry?

Ryan Hayes! What are you doing?

Nothing. Um...

I'll pick up the cake. Dinner's still at 8:00 tomorrow, right?

Yep.

Are you going to invite Phil or are you guys still on ice?

I hope the ice is melted.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's up?

It's my birthday tomorrow.

Oh.

Okay.

And I...

I wanted to apologize for...

Dumping me?

Right.

I realize that I might've been a little...

Hasty?

What is this? Forgiveness Mad Libs?

Sorry, I'll let you talk.

Actually, that was it.

And I'm cooking dinner with Ryan tomorrow and I...

It's sort of a little birthday party,

and I thought maybe that you could join and we could just take it from there.

Wow.

So did Ryan sign off on a permission slip for you to date me?

As a matter of fact, he has.

We talked and he's totally onboard.

Unbelievable.

I know! I know.

Well, he's really matured

And now he's using that app, Headspace, which I think I should try.

Look, Kar.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can start this up again.

I don't want to be in a relationship with someone else's kid.

You know?

But happy birthday.

Hey, Ry.

Carey!

You ready to go to a restaurant where the waiters says,

"You ever been here before? 'Cause we do things a little differently,"

and then they just serve you the tiniest portion of mac and cheese

for $18 that leaves you starving and poor?

Yes! $18 macaroni and cheese is my safe place.

Yes! Come on.

OMG. Call Ripley's Believe or Not. You're wearing shoes with actual laces.

- What are you doing? - Tying them.

- You... you really don't need to do that. - Wait, I'm almost done.

Wait. Stop moving, let me just do it.

I said stop!

Ah!

Fuck.

- Whoa. Oh, my God. You all right? - I'm fine.

- I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm sorry. - Are you bleeding?

What? Ryan!

Hey.

Is your follow-up post ready?

Um... Technically, yes.

Olivia, that post I wrote about getting hit by a car...

it wasn't entirely accurate.

Oh, really?

Interesting.

Hey, everyone, gather around.

Ryan just told me the biggest post in Eggwoke's history

is based on a bunch of lies.

Oh, no. I didn't lie. I...

I was hit by a car, just...

it's not why I limp.

I have...

cerebral palsy.

You lied to the world about something,

then came clean about that lie in what I'm guessing

is a very vulnerable yet viral post about your self-loathing?

That's ballsy.

I'm going to offer you a job.

Oh, my God. Wow, thank you!

It'll be freelance.

Which means you'll get no health benefits.

But let's be honest,

you have so many pre-existing conditions,

you'd never get covered anyway.

Didn't the kid from Breaking Bad have CP?

I think so.

I used to masturbate to him

all the time.

Hi.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Yeah, me too.

But you get it, right?

I mean... 'cause in the beginning

you didn't tell me about your money stuff because you were insecure.

No, me lying about my money stuff is not the same.

I liked you 'cause I thought you were just being yourself,

which is rare, by the way.

But now it's like...

who the fuck are you?

I am myself.

Trust me, I spent some time not being myself

and it clearly didn't work, so...

Look.

I really, really am sorry that I lied to you again.

I'm new to this whole friendship thing.

It sounds pathetic, but you're pretty much the first real friend

I've ever had, so...

I just didn't want to screw it up by telling you the truth.

It wouldn't have.

I'm just sad that you thought you couldn't tell me.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Well, don't fucking lie to me again.

Pinky swear.

Okay.

Oh, my God, are you for real?

This one. Little one.

Okay, I just can't... I can't pinky swear.

Cerebral palsy?

Bad hand-eye coordination? It's a thing.

Really?

How'd you survive being 12?

I didn't.

I am very emotionally stunted.

All right, well, then let's hug it out.

All right. Cheers.

To cerebral palsy.

Ugh.

Burn, baby, burn!

- Hey! - Hi, guys!

Well, well, well.

- If it isn't the lady of the hour. - Hi.

We don't have to talk about what happened.

- Okay. - Yeah.

We do have to dance!

Yeah!

You grinding me? Yes, you are!

I need more attention.

I'm gonna go take a lap.

Okay.

Hey, Carey, I'm sorry about running off the other night.

I totally get it.

Okay, I've got something to tell you.

All right.

I like you, okay?

Just, when I see you, I get really happy,

which sounds basic, but it's not for me, okay?

And I know you have a boyfriend, obviously,

so duh, this probably won't happen, but you're so...

...cute.

Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

I got to go.

Yeah, go to go.

You got to go?

Mumsy!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.

- Happy birthday. - Oh.

I just had the most insane day.

I told everyone about my cerebral palsy,

and Carey and I finally smooched.

What do you mean? Who's everyone?

At work.

Oh, the article I wrote about my CP, I didn't actually write that.

You see, everyone just assumed my limp was from my accident,

and then I never corrected them.

Oh, my God.

You lied to me.

I lied to everyone.

But why did you lie to me?

I'm sorry, but...

the point is that no one actually cared.

Like, at all!

And now it just feels like my life can finally start.

You know? It's like I was in the closet about being gay,

then I was in the closet about being disabled,

and now, no more closets.

What is this?

What happened to my triple berry?

Oh, um, Sweet Lady Jane was closed,

but this is supposed to be amazing.

In, like, a supermarket trash kind of way.

You had one job to do, Ryan. One job.

Just to pick up the cake I wanted.

I'm sorry.

This is awful.

What's wrong with you?

Did it ever occur to you that you actually had to show up for me today?

I'm here!

And by the way, where is Phil?

Phil dumped me.

He said he didn't want to be in a relationship

with someone else's asshole kid.

- Asshole? - Yeah.

Okay.

Well, then this asshole is leaving.

No, no, no.

You are not done. I am not done with you.

Look, I just... I...

I just sabotaged my relationship with Phil because you were mad at me.

And I didn't even think about it, I just ended it.

I never asked you to do that!

I don't know what to say, Mom. It takes two to be co-dependent.

Oh! Oh, I should have let you do things on your own.

That would have been interesting to see how that worked.

Okay. "Oh, Ryan, just take the bus to physical therapy.

I'm tired."

"Ryan, go get fitted for your own leg braces.

I want to get a manicure."

Wow.

I had no idea my disability trolled you so hard.

You know what?

Why don't I just ask you to never do anything for me

ever again?

Oh.

I would like that.

I would like to see how you function in this world without an on-call maid.

I'd love to see how well you function.

Let's be real.

If you're not helping me, you have nothing going on in your life.

I did have something!

I had... I had something just on my own,

that didn't revolve around you,

and you ruined it.

That is such bullshit! God!

If you want to blame me for the reason why you're alone at 49...

I'm 50.

I'm 50 today.

You don't even know how old I am.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I do blame you.

Then go away.

Leave me alone.

No, wait. Oh, no, wait, Ry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I just... Look... I love you.

I'm so sorry. I...

I don't blame you.

I didn't mean that.

Yes.

You did.

♪ You walked out on me and said ♪

♪ That I could never make it on my own ♪

♪ Without someone like you To do the things you used to do ♪

♪ Somehow I just can't help thinking Even though you may be right ♪

♪ I know that I will miss you so, But still I know they say it's so ♪

♪ Sunshine always follows rain ♪

♪ Gladness always follows pain ♪

♪ Clouds don't stay long in the sky ♪

♪ That's how I know I'll get by ♪

♪ Nightmares fade away with dawn... ♪