Original subtitles

Wait for it. Wait for it...

All right.

I think we've officially reached the final stop

of the YouTube K-hole tour.

All right.

Maybe we should...

you know, go do something.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

I'm kind of hungry.

All right.

Let's do it.

You love a slip-on shoe.

What?

No shade.

I'm just realizing, I don't think I've ever seen you wear...

shoes with actual laces before.

Hey, babe.

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

Hey, Ryan.

- Hi. - What are you guys doing?

Ryan and I are thinking about getting something to eat.

Perfect, I'm starving.

I just had the most insane CrossFit.

Oh, was it just super insane? Just like...

Did you kill it at the gym? Did you shred?

I'll shred you, bitch.

Oh, yeah, bitch, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

What? You just said you were hungry.

I did. It's just...

I can't stay long, so we have to get something very quickly.

Okay.

All right, let's go.

You're just gonna have protein shakes? Huh?

You gonna shred them? You gonna shred the protein shakes?

So you went to dinner with them?

And a movie.

I even bought Chris a Sprite.

Why are you torturing yourself?

Because.

He's like the first guy I've met who doesn't make me feel

like a freak on a leash.

Honey, you have to be honest with him. Yeah?

I know.

Karen?

Huh.

Well, well, well.

Hey.

Oh.

Out of all the outdoor patios in Agoura Hills.

Wait, what are you doing here?

I'm having lunch, what do you think I'm doing here?

Mom, why is creepy neighbor guy kissing you?

I'm... Oh...

Okay, wait.

Phil, this is Ryan. Ryan...

this is Phil.

- Phil, this... - Hey, nice to meet you. Phil.

Introduce yourselves.

Your mom never shuts up about you.

I never shut up about you.

Are you wearing my jacket?

Babe, I thought you said it was at the cleaners.

No, babe.

My mom bought this for me at a vintage store.

Actually...

Phil and I have been spending time together,

Ry, and...

he's right, that is his jacket.

Oh, my God, you lied to me.

I'm sorry, Ry. I'm so sorry.

- I... - Eww.

Wait...

Where are you going?

Ry, I'm sorry.

Ugh.

Hey.

Eww, eww, eww.

Ry...

Honey, where are you going?

Ry!

Well, he's spirited.

This is not good.

Kim, you're not going to believe this.

My mom has a secret fucking boyfriend.

Good for her! That girl needed a win.

No, not good for her.

She lied to me.

Karen.

So sketchy, I love.

She probably didn't tell me

because she was afraid that I'd freak out, which I know I am.

Didn't you want her to get a life?

You told me she was like Brie Larson in Room but, like, by choice.

Yeah, I do want her to get a life,

I just didn't think that she'd get a life and a boyfriend before me.

Ryan, do you want a boyfriend?

Because I can get you one.

Do not trust.

I'm serious. I have the perfect guy for you.

He's funny, he's smart, he has a huge dick.

How do you know he has a huge dick?

He's my cousin. I'll set it up.

Do you think she and her cousin fucked?

I don't know.

Do you think I can tackle incest on a first date or is it too much?

Oh, hey, how was Carey's the other night?

How'd you know I was at Carey's?

Because he told me?

Oh, right.

Obvi.

Um...

Carey's was great.

I mean,

hanging out with Carey is kind of, like, always great.

I don't know, I just...

I really like spending time with him.

His boyfriend on the other hand, I just...

I don't know. I just don't see it.

Well, have Carey show you a picture of his ass, then you'll see it.

He has a nice... a nice ass?

Made in a gay factory.

Wow.

I love that for him.

Who was that?

There you go.

Oh, God.

- He's never going to forgive me. - For what?

Having a boyfriend?

Oh, he's right. How dare you find happiness.

You don't get it. It's always just been the two of us.

He's just not used to this.

Well, things change.

If he's really gonna hold onto a grudge, he's just being an asshole.

I cannot believe that you just said that.

He's not an asshole, he has CP.

So? People with CP can be assholes, too.

Get out of here! Please leave.

Oh, come on. Let's calm down, all right?

Don't tell me to calm down!

Please leave.

Hey.

Are you Ryan?

Yeah, hi.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

You, too. Oh, I'm sorry.

That's... Okay.

I kinda thought Olivia was punking me and no one was gonna show up,

but you're here.

So this date's kind of already exceeding my expectations.

I'm sorry, I'm not your date.

- You're not? - No, I'm Jordan.

That's Michael.

Hi.

I'm confused.

He thought I was his date.

No. So I'm Michael. This is Jordan, my interpreter.

I'm just gonna let you know I'm sorry in advance

because I'm a blind date virgin,

so this might hurt a little bit.

Um...

How does this work?

So you'll just say whatever you want to Michael,

but just make sure he can read your lips.

Okay.

So this is my first time on a blind date,

but I've been on many deaf dates before. [chucklesî

That's funny.

So, Olivia tells me that you're one of her favorite people over at Eggwoke.

Oh, that's not true.

She hates me.

Say it to Michael.

She hates me.

She really, really hates me.

You still mad at me?

I'm sorry for freaking out.

Well, I have just the remedy for that.

You do?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Santa Barbara.

I love Santa Barbara!

Well, perfect.

I rented us a cute little Craftsman on Airbnb with a hot tub.

We are gonna spend the weekend naked, under the stars, drinking wine.

It's gonna be amazing.

But you booked it already?

Yeah.

Without asking me? You have to ask me, Phil.

You can't just do that.

Oh, okay.

Want to go to Santa Barbara this weekend?

No.

Like, what if Ryan wants to talk?

And I'm like, "Sorry that I lied to you about having a boyfriend.

Now we're going away for the weekend. Bye."

So you can go, you just won't go.

I...

I... can't do this, Phil.

I can't. It's too much. I...

I... You don't get my life.

I'm sorry.

Jesus.

Me, too.

Rot in hell. Period.

Never talk to me again.

Exclamation point.

Smile emoji.

Winky face.

Sorry, I'm just texting with my mom. It's her birthday.

Anyway,

what's up?

Nothing. I just...

I wanted to talk to you about my date with Michael.

Um... He probably already told you.

That he wasn't into it?

Yeah, he did tell me.

Sorry.

I really thought setting you up with someone who couldn't hear

how annoying you were was the ticket.

Michael wasn't into it?

I wasn't into it.

Too intimidated? I get it.

He is so hot.

And then there's his abnormally large penis.

Okay, first of all, eww.

You really shouldn't know that because he's your cousin.

Okay? Second of all,

you didn't tell me he was deaf, okay?

So?

You're disabled.

I am not disabled.

I was hit by a car.

And you were left with a weird limp, which I'm pretty sure makes you disabled.

Whatever.

I can still do better than a deaf guy.

Wow.

Are you serious right now?

This is amazing.

Like, I knew that you were fucked up, but this is, like, layers.

You have to write about this.

Write about what?

How you hate that you're disabled

and getting set up with someone who's deaf forced you to look in the mirror.

That's not what this is.

- Why are you always so mean to me? - Because you need it!

Everyone just treats you like you're the boy in the car accident bubble.

Oh, so you being rude is actually doing me a favor? Wow.

Thank you so much, Olivia.

Ah. You are so welcome.

Ooh, and I thought of a new article idea for you.

"Four Ways Ryan Can Get His Shit Together."

Number one, he can stop suffering from internalized ableism.

That's not a thing.

Yes, it is. Look at Twitter for 30 seconds and you'll find it.

Number two, he can send my hot-as-fuck cousin

a thank you note for going out with him.

Three, you can learn to, oh, I don't know,

love yourself.

And four, you can wash your fucking hair. It's snowing on your shirt.

I have psoriasis.

Oh, do you consider that a disability?

Ugh.

Grocery list.

Apple.

Egg.

Banana.

Cigarette.

M&M.

Sea salt.

Hi.

You weren't... you weren't answering your phone, so I thought...

You'd stalk me?

Yep.

Do you want to run some errands?

Sure.

Oh.

How was your day?

Terrible.

Because...?

Mom...

Am I secretly fucked up?

Are there, like, layers of fucked-up-ness inside of me

that I don't even know exist?

What?

There is.

No.

I don't make sense to anyone anywhere.

You make sense to me.

That's because I have to make sense to you.

I broke up with Phil.

What?

Why?

Excuse me? I thought you would be happy.

No!

I needed time to process it, but...

Mom, I'm not a complete psycho, okay?

I get it.

Get what?

You wanting a boyfriend.

This world is hard to go through alone.

So what happened?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm the one who's secretly screwed up.

Please.

You're, like, the definition of stable.

You stabilize me.

You're going to find someone, Ry.

I know you are.

You are too, Mumsy.