Original subtitles

So I've made a really important decision.

What?

I'm not getting bangs.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, Ry!

Climbing your way to the top!

Check it out!

Your article about your car accident is still poppin' off.

Ooh, love!

Oh, and look.

The top three posts all written by you.

No, duh. I'm a hit maker.

I'm like the Diane Warren of blogging.

If it isn't my favorite girl breaking through that glass ceiling.

Hey, Care Bear!

Hey, Ryan. What's up?

Hi.

How are you?

- Nice to see you again. - You, too.

Do you want to go to lunch?

We're doing La Scala.

It's very 1985 business lunch.

With a side of massive cocaine problem.

Oh, that sounds fun, but I'm on deadline,

so I should go do that and I should meet that.

It was very good seeing you again soon.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right.

- Okay, bye-bye. Have fun. - Okay, bye.

Okay.

- Something I said? - Don't take it personally.

He's special.

Crack it against the bowl like this.

Hm. Voilà.

Okay, your turn.

Okay.

Don't be afraid of it. Harder!

Okay.

Good.

Oh, wow! Look at that!

I'm the Bareback Contessa.

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

So, Mom.

I saw that boy again, the one that came to my party.

Uh-huh. So just...

Not... Not so hard. Just...

Okay, Mom, listen to me, okay?

I'm sorry for not telling you before, but...

it was scary.

But now, I can't keep it in anymore.

I'm in love.

You are not in love, you're infatuated.

How would you know, okay?

After Dad left, you held a candlelit vigil for your vagina

and you called it a day.

All right.

Tell me about him.

His name is Carey.

He's a journalist.

He's very funny.

- Wow. - That's better.

I don't know.

Sometimes I don't know if I... want to be his boyfriend

or just kind of be him, period. You know?

Aw.

What?

- What? - I'm so...

I'm just so happy to see you get giddy and excited about someone.

Yeah, well, TBD if something will actually happen.

I mean,

who wants to deal with all of this? Am I right?

This... This should not be an issue.

And if it is, he's a jerk,

and you shouldn't be with him.

He's not a jerk if he doesn't want to date me.

He's just, like, aware of how the world works.

Ryan.

You deserve to have someone love you.

And it is gonna be amazing.

And you're gonna think about him all the time.

Oh, and you know the thing they say about butterflies in the stomach?

It's true.

Actual butterflies.

And then you're going to start to relate to all those Celine Dion songs.

And not just the ones everybody knows.

Those kind of obscure Celine Dion songs...

Oh, shoot.

I done screwed up, Ma.

Okay.

What did I miss during my hour-long bathroom break?

Not much.

Olivia made the entire office watch her eat a bouillon cube for lunch.

Do you want to go eat somewhere or is Carey gonna whisk you off?

Oh, my God, wait!

Carey told me to invite you to his poker night.

Poker?

Like, the game with the chips and the...

coins and the...

people getting in too deep and losing their houses?

No, I think this is more like a bunch of gay guys in tank tops

sitting around, giggling at the phrase "straight potential."

Okay, so he, like, asked you to invite me?

Mm-hmm. You should go.

Carey's like the gay glue of LA.

He'll introduce you to all the right people.

Okay.

I'll go.

But you have to come with me.

And be, what? Your emotional support animal?

These are your friends, Kim, okay?

I might just need you to lube me up a little bit, all right?

Fine. I'll be your K-Y for one night.

Well, what do you think?

Does this scream "gay poker-slash-fall in love with me"?

Great!

You look great.

Oh, my God, you hate it.

What?

This is hopeless.

I'm hopeless!

Ooh.

Whose jacket is this?

I got that for you.

For me?

- Really? - Yeah.

It's kind of...

straight mountain man from Montana, but...

I kinda dig it.

I think it's a little small.

Oh, my God.

Mom, it's like a second skin.

This fits amazing.

Look.

Do you love?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, wait.

LOL! There's a joint in here.

Mom, where'd you get this?

I got that

at a thrift store,

because I know how much you like vintage stuff.

Thank you, Mom. I really do love it.

I kind of want to wear it every day and never take it off ever again.

But this joint's for you.

Let's be honest, you could stand to have a Cheech & Chong moment later.

Oh.

Just take it!

Have some fun, but don't inhale, okay?

God, inhale? I'm not even gonna light it.

All right. Wish me luck.

Luck!

- Hey, Ryan. You came! - Hi.

Hi!

Come here.

I'm glad you made it. Come on in.

- What's up? How was your day? - Good.

- Put your coat wherever. - Okay.

Where is Kim?

She's not allowed at poker. Gays only.

You are gay, right?

If not, you give me two minutes, I can convert you.

Huh... No, I'm super gay.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Super gay?

The most.

- Okay. - Yeah, okay.

- All right, well, come on in. - Okay.

- You want a beer? - Sure.

All right.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

All right, boys,

this is Ryan.

He's new to poker so be nice.

Nice to meet you.

Andrew, Lewis, Colton, Kyle.

Ryan.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hi, hi, hi.

Um...

Let me break this shit down for you.

So, we play Texas hold 'em. You know how to play that?

Very simple. Okay, so it's the same as normal poker,

so, you know, two pair,

except you only have two cards that you can see

and then you share...

Make sense?

Mm-hmm. Let's play.

All right!

Deal him in.

Karen, where's my jacket?

Huh?

The jacket I left last night, where is it?

It was filthy and I took it to the dry cleaner.

No!

What?

It had my night time medicine in the pocket.

Aww.

You mean this?

You are the best!

You saved it.

Wait 'til I tell everyone that I am dating

a 50-something pothead.

Did anybody hear that?

Karen Hayes has just announced to her bedroom

that she is dating me, Phil.

A 50-something pothead.

That is cause for celebration.

Ooh.

Let me get some of that.

Whoa!

Not only are you dating a 50-something pothead,

now you're gonna get high?

Ooh-ee.

Life does come at you fast.

I hate pot.

I don't know, Lewis,

it looks like you might have a straight.

I definitely had a straight last night.

His name was Austin.

Great ass. Ten out of ten. Would recommend.

You hooked up with a straight guy.

That's so 19 years old and full of self-loathing of you.

Oh.

Whoah. Watch out!

She has got her poker face on tonight!

Your turn to shuffle, Ryan.

I met him at a gun convention.

A gun convention?

Yes, that's where I meet all my straights.

You've been to multiple gun conventions?

Yeah, they're like flies in my spider web.

- Gross! - That's a nice image.

- Mm-hmm. - Did he show you his gun?

- And his penis. - And his penis.

It was like I was hunting with Dick Cheney.

I took a shot to the face.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, he...

he showed me his gun, and then he shot his load.

Okay. Did he have a big gun?

And a big penis. Mm-hmm.

He wore all red, called me The Commander,

and our safe word was "Margaret Atwood."

Oh, my God. I think I'm having a heart attack.

Babe.

Come lay down.

Oh, my God! Why did I do that?

I'm a nurse.

Why is that legal?

I just... Oh, my God. Why...

That should not be legal!

I will not rest until that is illegal!

What can I do to make it better?

Bitch!

All right, I'm out, I've got no more money.

I hate you all.

We're heading out.

- Bye, you guys. - Thanks for inviting us.

- See you soon. - Nice meeting you, too.

Lewis, you get the prize again.

Thank you!

Thanks for inviting us.

- See you next week, guys. - Bye, babe.

- Bye. - Bye, Ryan.

- Bye, nice meeting you. - See you next week.

So, does the winner always get a prize?

Actually, it's a DVD of an underrated John Cusack movie.

So basically all John Cusack movies.

Um...

Thank you for earlier, by the way.

Helping me with the... the cards.

Oh.

Yeah, sure. 'Course.

Kim told me about your accident and...

Wait, do you hate talking about this?

No, it's fine.

So you got in a fight with a car and lost?

Basically, yeah.

I mean, no, I mean...

I was jaywalking,

so it was my fault.

AKA, don't cry for me, Argentina.

Um...

Yeah, it basically kind of just messed my body up forever, so...

I don't know.

It doesn't look so messed up to me.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

This is amazing.

Oh, my God. I am so happy.

You see?

You're safe.

Everything is gonna be okay.

All right, I spoke too soon.

I don't think anyone has made me a sandwich in like...

in like 30 years.

I mean, I... Well...

Ryan tried to make me a grilled cheese for Mother's Day,

but it was... he totally screwed it up!

How do you screw up a grilled cheese?

It's... It's two ingredients.

The bread and the cheese.

I will make you a sandwich...

whenever you want.

I really like you, Phil.

I care about you a lot.

In some...

small, important way.

Me, too.

We are never going to let you get high again.

- Aww. - Mm.

Okay.

You got to come to poker again.

Get you in the rotation.

I would love that.

And I got you every time with the cards.

Aww.

You're like my little poker whisperer.

Shh.

- Oh, hey. - Hey, babe.

Hey, babe.

Ryan, this is Chris, my boyfriend.

Hey.

Hi, nice to meet you.

So, did you win tonight?

Nope.

Not even close.