Original subtitles

Oh, hey. I thought you left.

I forgot the end table.

Get off of your phone and help me.

Sorry, I'm just texting an invite for my housewarming party.

And...

- sent. - Housewarming? Ooh!

You can't come.

I'm keeping it small.

I'm going to invite Stephanie, Rachel, Nora.

Didn't they drop you after college?

Drop me? No.

- Huh. - I mean, we may have drifted a little,

but that's because they got apartments in LA,

and I stayed in Disturbia with you.

There is nothing wrong with that.

Yes, there is. It's tragic.

But look at this place.

They're gonna be obsessed.

Ryan, stop.

Look, are you sure you want to do this?

Mom.

Yes, I'm sure.

There's just so much stuff that you don't know how to do.

At least let me do the end table.

No! God.

I don't need your help. I can figure it out.

Even normal people ask for help.

Oh, I'm sorry,

am I not normal?

No, I didn't mean that, honey. You know that.

I'm gonna be okay.

- It's your journey that's a little TBD. - TBD?

Yes!

Mom, promise me you're not gonna just be sitting at home, watching TV,

and refreshing the Neighborhood Watch page with news about

that new neighbor with the gross, porny name.

Phil?

Yeah.

Phil.

If you're okay, I'm okay.

If you say so.

Hey, I'm Trevor.

Hi, I'm Ryan.

Welcome to my home.

Thanks.

Where's the furniture?

It's in the box.

Oh.

Great.

Okay.

Looks like someone was biting the box.

I have a dog!

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Yeah, Simba's at obedience school right now.

It's... for the biting.

Obviously, so...

- Yeah. - That's, yeah, for the best.

Okay, well, good luck.

Thanks.

Yas!

What?

Oh, that wasn't directed at you.

Keep up the good work, though.

Mom, you're late!

The girls are going to be here, like, really soon.

Excuse me!

I was at your grandma's.

And you should be grateful,

making me set up for a party I'm not even invited to.

Rude.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Thank you.

Not accepted.

Hey, Mom, do you know how to, like, stick a balloon to a wall?

Hey!

I saw you put the table together in the bedroom!

I'm so impressed!

Oh, I told you I'd figure it out.

Yeah.

Where are the crackers?

Shoot.

I think I forgot them.

Wait, what?

Calm down, I can go to the store.

No. There's no time. They're gonna be here in, like, ten minutes.

All right.

Wait. Maybe you should go to the store.

Okay, I'll go to the store.

Wait.

What? Do you want me to go or not?

No.

I got it.

- All right. - Thank you for your help.

You're welcome.

Be safe.

- Have a good time. - Love you.

Really?

Hey.

What are you doing tonight?

Whoa.

Happy housewarming.

You finally have your own place again.

Aw. Thank you.

I can't believe you did all of this for just me.

Oh, it's just a meat and cheese plate.

And champagne.

It's not even New Year's Eve!

Well, what can I say?

You're worth it.

I'm gonna go pee.

Okay.

Thanks for the info.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

- Mm-hmm. - Traffic was terrible.

Ah, next door neighbor humor. I like it.

I like you.

Thanks.

But that isn't necessary.

Listen, I'm not trying to sound paranoid or whatever, but...

Was this party meant for someone else?

What?

Saw a text from your mom.

Said to say hi to Stephanie and the girls.

Oh, my God.

You totally friend recycled this party.

Ah.

I didn't friend recycle this party, okay?

I just...

No, you know what? That's...

That's exactly what I did.

Okay.

Now I'm just scared.

Are you one of those grifter types?

No! God.

I've never lived on my own before.

Okay?

My mom,

she's overprotective, it's strange, I know,

and I thought I had these friends from college, but...

maybe I'm Dean & Delusional because they all bailed.

And that's when I called you.

I'm a loser, Kim.

I'm a loser that's been masquerading...

as a non-loser.

You're not a loser.

Okay?

We all put a Valencia filter on our life to make it seem better than actually is.

But you don't.

I mean,

your whole brand is, like, honesty.

Eww. "Brand"? Go to jail.

I'm just saying.

You don't give a shit.

Oh, I give multiple shits.

Oh, really?

About what?

Okay, look.

In the spirit of bonding and cementing our friendship,

I'm going to tell you something,

but you have to promise not to say anything.

Okay, I promise.

I'm broke.

Ta-da.

Broke?

Babe, you're wearing a DVF dress right now.

Exactly.

You can't afford this shit on a blogger's salary.

Look, I love clothes

and looking glam

and hashtag-goals, all the time, trust.

But sometimes I just feel like,

as a non-skinny, non-white girl,

I got to work overtime.

It's like, "Hey, I'm a voluptuous brown girl,

but I'm wearing a $448 dress and I got a blowout,

so I'm safe! Accept me!"

It's exhausting.

And expensive.

I'm in so much debt.

Is that...

why you drive for Roadsy?

Yeah.

Point is, I get why you lied.

'Cause this isn't exactly my truth either.

Let's just promise not to lie to each other again, okay?

That's not how we want to do this friendship.

I promise.

Can we hug now?

Okay.

But don't wrinkle my dress. I got to return it tomorrow.

Mm.

Now can I invite some of my friends over?

I don't want that yum-yum cheese to go to waste.

Or this soap.

It cost $40.

- Bitch, I know. - I got the body wash.

I bet you had no idea I was this popular.

I had a blurry watercolor of an idea.

- Hey, yay! - Carey!

Ry, meet one of my bests, Carey.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

Happy home.

Oh, thank you.

Carey actually works in our building at a fancy-schmancy print mag.

Oh, yeah, we're so fancy we can't even afford pens.

Hey!

What are we, in junior high?

Who the fuck told you to bring a hookah?

- I'll be right back, boys. - Go get 'em.

This is a big place.

Yeah, it's nice, minimal.

Yeah.

Where's the bathroom?

Oh, it's...

- I can show you. - Okay.

Show me. Which way we're we going?

Oh, is this the bedroom?

- Yeah. - Uh-oh.

Well,

here you are.

Okay. Thanks, Ryan.

We got the same soap.

Yay.

Yay.

No one cares, Ry! Just do it!

Kim, are you telling me to dance like nobody's watching?

Yes!

Okay.

♪ Every day and night ♪

♪ I can see your disco disco dick ♪

♪ Is sucking my heart out of my mind ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ You got what you been asking for ♪

♪ You're so policy free and ♪

♪ Your fantasy wheels and everything you think ♪

♪ And everything you feel ♪

♪ Is alright, alright, alright, alight, alright ♪

♪ I take you home, now watch me get you hot ♪

♪ You're just a parrot when you're screaming ♪