Original subtitles

Next.

Hi!

Ew! What the hell?!

That barista just let these people cut in line.

Yeah, it's 'cause they're free scone people.

Huh?

Kim, there are two types of people in this world.

Those who get free scones

and those who don't.

And those that get them,

they go through life with a certain kind of ease.

Things just happen to them,

things non-scone-getters can only dream of.

Like getting stopped on the street by a cute boy

who just whisks them away to Palm Springs for the weekend.

Mm-hmm.

Or getting 275 likes on a selfie

even though you're just, like, a PR major at UCSB.

Fuck you, Liz.

Exactly.

They think this is normal.

They have no idea how lucky they are.

Excuse me!

You're fine!

Um... Blueberry scone, please.

We're out of plates.

$4.25.

Okay.

Listen, little barista man.

We're not paying for that.

You know what you did.

Let's go, Ryan.

Sorry.

Hi.

What are you doing?

His name is Phil.

Ugh.

Phil's like the name of a used car salesman.

Not chic!

He might be.

Nobody on the Neighborhood Watch Committee knows what he does.

He hasn't introduced himself to anyone.

Isn't that rude?

He sounds like a monster.

Shoot! He saw me!

Okay, calm down.

Mom,

when are we going to talk about me moving out?

I am hungry.

Do you want some lunch?

Sure, but only if we're making

"let's stop avoiding this and just discuss it" sandwiches.

Ryan, we have talked about this before.

I just... I don't think you're able to live on your own.

Mom, I don't even need your permission.

My CP money's gonna pay for everything, so...

Who sued the hospital and got you that money?

And now you want to blow it away. No.

Not on my watch.

Stop watching everyone and just get a fucking life.

I'm sorry.

Fine.

You want to move out?

Let me help you find a place.

Okay, this is a trick.

You're going to find me some basement in Reseda and be like,

"Oops, sorry, that's all there is."

No.

Finding an apartment is hard,

and I... you've never done it before.

I don't want you to get screwed over.

Let me help.

Okay. Thank you.

And that's why I'm scared of the daytime.

Kim, how's the listicle coming?

"How to Look Like a Million Bucks"? It's really short.

It just says, "Have a million bucks."

Great. Very relatable.

Now, I need sex stories.

Diversity hire, you got anything?

I'm kidding. Straight white men are canceled.

Ryan, I saw you leaving my pool party to hook up with Keaton.

Can you tell our readers about it? In graphic detail?

Um...

I would, but it's a total violation of his privacy.

Fine.

You know, your piece about getting hit by a car

is still doing amazing.

Maybe you should consider injuring yourself again.

Nothing major. Just like a bruised rib?

I'm kidding. Don't tell HR.

Did you and Keaton really hook up?

You can tell me.

I had a fake boyfriend from the ages of 12 to...

Mind your own fucking business.

No.

I didn't stand a chance.

He's like the definition of a free-scone person.

I don't get it.

Do you think you're like the gay Babadook or something?

No.

I guess if I'm just being honest with myself,

I haven't really felt the same since my accident.

Well,

how long has it been since you've had...

sexual relations?

I am not disclosing that.

Oh, come on.

I once went a year and a half. It was terrible.

I truly felt like Charlize Theron in Monster.

But it sharpened my senses.

Right now, I'm sensing

this might be a virgin situation.

Maybe.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

Sorry, can't.

I got to put you on the virgin registry.

It's called the No-Fuck List.

I won't say shit.

I promise.

Besides, this ends today.

Samantha.

Meet the P that's gonna take your V.

I don't think my A can take that.

Eh, some lube and a can-do attitude,

you'll be fine.

I'm sorry, how do you sleep on this twin bed?

Kim, I can't...

I can't do this.

Hiring a sex worker just feels...

I don't know, it feels desperate.

Okay, that attitude, very five think pieces ago.

My friends hire them all the time.

Yeah, and I'm sure they also have a lot of sex that they don't pay for.

Look, it's not that complicated.

If you have clogged pipes, you call a plumber.

If you're having a problem with your curtains... Well, good luck.

I don't fucking know about curtains. The point is,

if you need to have sex,

there are people who can help you have sex.

Mom, you have to knock! Kim and I could've been hooking up.

This is Kim?

Hi!

It's so nice to finally meet you.

I gotta say, I love your son, Ms. Hayes.

And I usually hate gay people who've been hit by cars.

Well, he is a triple threat.

Gay, hit by a car, and...

Mom, hi. What's up? What do you want? What's going on?

I want to know when we're going to the Macaroni Grill.

Have you been?

- No. - Kim, it is delicious.

Oh, my God.

They have these Italian nachos,

they are delicious.

They don't have them in the menu anymore,

and I asked, I said, "What happened?" and they said,

"Oh, no, nobody ordered them." I was like, "Hello! Right here!"

Yeah!

That's messed up, Ms. Hayes!

Mom,

I'm actually busy tonight.

Kim and I, we're going to hang out with her friend Shay.

Oh, mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to a very special screening of Pretty Woman.

Okay.

Well, then, I guess it's just dinner for one.

Okay.

Open or closed?

Closed.

Have fun.

Bye.

Just walk up the steps. I'm up here.

Ryan.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - I'm Shay.

Sorry.

We got a nervous one.

This is... This is my first time.

Not having sex, just hiring a prostitute.

I mean, sex worker. Sorry.

I like that...

um... suit.

What is that? Did you just come from, like, a wedding or...?

Your body...

You have a very nice one.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Do you want to take off your clothes?

Sure.

Okay.

Need a little...

- Oh, yeah, thank you. - ...help with the buttons?

Um...

Your dog's cute.

Thank you.

He works at the post office on the weekends.

Oh.

Oh, this is a clip-on tie.

- So, yeah... - That's great.

Why not, right?

Thank you.

Very nice body.

Thank you.

- Here you go. Wiggle you out of these. - Okay.

- Sorry! - My God!

- That's fine. - I'm so sorry.

- That's okay, Ryan. No. - I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

Sorry, I didn't mean to react like that.

You know, being hit in the face usually costs an extra $100,

but I'm gonna give you a freebie.

Why don't we loosen you up, huh?

Give you a little massage Pickles, off.

Yeah, there you go.

Right there.

Oh, you got goose bumps, huh?

Yeah, just breathe.

Hey.

So how filthy are your windows?

Pardon me?

You been cleaning them every day for a week.

They look pretty spotless to me.

You don't know that.

You're right.

I don't really know your windows.

That's pretty insensitive of me.

- Where do you want to go on a date? - Wait, I don't understand.

A date.

You know, where two people get together, they eat food and consume alcohol,

in the hopes of forging a human connection.

Come on, I just moved in from the faraway place of Calabasas.

I need somebody to show me around.

Calabasas is, like, ten minutes away.

Wait, I don't even know you.

Gosh, I wonder how we're gonna change that.

I don't know.

Is there a problem? I mean, are you taken?

No.

Well, then, why don't you stop spying on me from behind the window?

I am not spying on you!

All right, cleaning your windows and have dinner with me.

- Does that feel good? - Mm-hmm.

How does this feel?

- Good. - Good?

- You want to fuck? - Uh-huh.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Lift your legs up.

Good.

- Let me take your underwear. - Oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry.

- You're good. - Okay.

Comfy?

Uh-huh.

Great.

Can you raise your legs?

They're a little tight.

Can you open them?

- Yeah. - Okay, open them up.

Got it.

- Okay. - Feel that?

- Yeah. - Here we go.

There you go.

Okay.

Okay...

- Now you're gonna feel something. - Oh, my God!

Is it in? Are you wearing a condom?

No offense.

No, those are just my fingers.

- Those are just your fingers? - Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Yes!

- Yeah. - Okay.

It's okay, I'll go slow when we do the real thing.

Okay.

Here we go.

Here we go. Are you ready?

- Yeah. - Okay, here we go.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, God. Okay.

- And release. - Is it all the way in now?

It's halfway in.

That's more... Oh, there it goes.

- Yeah, whoa, there it goes. - Oh, my God. Okay.

This feels fucking good.

You're sexy.

Where did you come from?

That was insane.

Anal sex...

is insane.

It was your first time.

That's so nice. I feel honored.

You know, I've had a few clients with CP and you're by far the most limber.

CP...

I have a pretty mild case.

And I'm going to have sex soon for free. Okay? Just so you know.

I believe you.

You're cute.

I don't know.

You don't need to know. Come here.

Mmm...

Mumsy!

Hi.

You look different.

I do?

Yeah.

I never see you in a suit.

I guess I just felt like being fancy, that's all.

Hi.

How was the movie?

- It was good. - Yeah?

Who doesn't love a hooker with a heart of gold, you know?

So I was looking at apartments on Zillow.

Anyway, there was this really cute apartment.

And it's got French doors,

courtyard,

1920s Spanish-style.

Wow, okay.

Is there an extra bedroom for overbearing mothers

who can't seem to let their gay sons go?

- Maybe. - Okay.

Anyway, I just think it maybe is a good idea

that you get your own place.

Maybe it's good for me, too.

So do you want to go on Saturday?

Check it out?

Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Oh, do you want a brownie?

The old guy that works at the bakery gave me a few for free.

I think he has a little crush on me.

Sure.

Who doesn't love a free pastry?