All language subtitles for Eddie Griffin Undeniable (2018 WEBRip x264-ION10)

Wassup, Boston?

Go on, sit down sit down, y'all.

Let's get at it!

Yes, indeed, feedeede.

I had to come to Boston
and finish it off

'cause right now, nigga,
the world is fucked up, nigga.

Nigga, you got hurricanes
the size of Texas,

y'understand me?

And it's attackin'
the motherfuckers

that voted for
the orange motherfucker.

'Cause y'all know
every hurricane start

on the coast of Africa
where they picked us up at.

Them ain't hurricanes.
Them is ol' nigga's spirits.

You motherfuckers!

It's all about white privilege,
nigga.

Don't get it twisted
with this orange

avengin' motherfucker
they got in the White House.

Yeah, that's what I call him,
the Orange Avenger.

'Cause white people
want a hero, nigga.

Y'know what I mean?

It's after eight years of Obama,
they like

"We need somebody to save us
from the tyranny of niggas."

Who is it?
The Orange Avenger!

I don't understand
you white folks.

Y'all are really
some pussy motherfuckers.

I ain't gonna fight with ya
or mix words.

I'm not gonna give you an excuse

for your innate ability
to be racist motherfuckers

and think everybody else
supposed to deal with your shit.

You need to get
the fuck over yourself.

Y'all soft.

You couldn't handle eight years
of a nigga bein' in charge.

Nigga, we dealt with 450-plus
years of you motherfuckers

runnin' this country
in the ground.

We didn't go crazy.

Y'understand me?

Y'all fucked it up
for 400-plus years.

It only took us eight years
to fix it.

Y'all been back
for eight or nine months

and fucked it up again.

White people, sometimes
you gotta let go and let God.

How you vote for
a orange motherfucker?

I thought y'all said
y'all hated colored people.

You don't get more colored
than this motherfucker.

He orange
with pissy yellow hair.

Look like he spent the night
at R. Kelly house.

And the motherfucker dirt dumb!

I don't even know if y'all know
what dirt dumb is.

This motherfucker is so dumb
he had a thought and it hurt.

He lie every time
he opens his mouth.

He told broke white people
whatever they wanted to hear.

That's how he got they vote.
Yeah!

- All the trailer trash
wanna know

is that they better
than a nigga. Yeah.

- Trump promised them
everything.

"I promise you gonna be better
than the nigga."

"Trump said we gonna be better
than a nigga.

I'm gonna be better than
that Jagger-Jagger nigga.

I'm gonna be better
than that Diddy-Diddy nigga.

I'm gonna be better
than that Griffin nigga.

Better than a nigga."

Y'ain't better than
a nigga yet, are you?

And then he promised them
a wall.

Where y'all wall at,
white folks?

What happened to the wall?
Where is this--

There's no wall.

'Cause the wall ain't comin',
you stupid motherfuckers.

And he always talking that shit,

"Well, China built
the Great Wall of China."

Here's what this orange
motherfucker don't understand.

There's about one trillion
Chinese.

If each one of them
grab a brick and toss it: wall.

It wasn't that hard.
It probably took 35 seconds.

There's only
270 million Americans.

Most of us are incarcerated.

We ain't got enough
motherfuckers outta jail

to pick up a brick!

And let's say
they actually gave this fool

the billions of dollars
it would cost

to build this monstrosity.

Nigga, let me show you
how easy it is

for a Mexican
to circumvent this shit.

The wall's gonna end
on the coast, right?

California.

That means it's gonna end
at the ocean.

Here's all the Mexican
gotta do...

Walk right around
that motherfucker.

They so racist they stupid.
You can't stop a Mexican.

Shit. Nigga, I got a Mexican.
You're not gettin' mine.

Every nigga in here
got a Mexican.

No black man has cut
our own yard since '94, '95.

A Mexican will cut
a football field, nigga.

Five dollars.

Ask a nigga to cut some grass.

We go, "I'll cut
your motherfuckin' throat."

"Nigga, I sell dope.
I make ten G's a day.

Bitch, what's your problem?

Fuck outta here
with that fuckboy shit."

Let me explain somethin' to you.

You better hope the Mexicans
don't go nowhere.

They pick all the vegetables,
all the fruits.

Nigga, they'll pick
a whole field for 25 cents.

You get rid of Mexicans, nigga,

your carrot
is gonna cost $3,000.

Salads is goin' up
to $1,500, nigga.

And if you motherfuckers think
a nigga is goin' back

to pick anything...

My pickin' years are over,
motherfucker!

All we gonna do
is pick what side of the jaw

to crack you in,
you motherfucker.

Nigga, we had
the smartest president

in the history of this country.

Yes!
- With Barack Obama.

If you don't agree with
that statement, pffft, go home,

look in the mirror,
you a racist motherfucker.

Barack Obama taught law
at Harvard University.

Harvard, the number one
law school on Earth.

That mean that nigga's the law.

That's why Congress couldn't
fade him for eight years, nigga.

He's smarter than all of them.

"This nigga's
a different kind."

"This one here's a thinker."

"What ya gonna do about it?"

"Not a goddamn thing!"

"We ain't gonna do shit
for eight years,

and we ain't gonna give
this jigaboo an extra dollar."

They didn't give that brotha
an extra dollar for eight years.

And he still
balanced the budget.

'Cause you white folks forgot
somethin' about us niggas.

Niggas know how to do
the most with the least.

See, Barack treated
the whole country

like a nigga treat
our household budget.

You go on, now niggas know
how to move money.

"You gonna pay that?"

"No, nigga move that
over there."

"Ain't you gonna
pay the gas bill?"

"Fuck no! It's summertime.
Pay the electric bill.

We need the air conditioning.

If ya' pay the gas bill
in the wintertime, motherfucker.

We need the heat.

Priorities, motherfucker.

Priorities."

They hated Obama, nigga,

because he was everything
they wished they could be.

That's right.
- Nigga, Obama has swag, nigga.

Yeah.
- Obama walk in the room.

Nigga, the room shut down.

The nigga had jokes
for that ass.

We had the finest First Lady.
Yeah!

- In the history of this
motherfuckin' country.

In my humble opinion. If
Michelle, so motherfuckin' fine,

intelligent nigga.
Chocolate mother.

She had an ass, nigga...

You know what I mean? It's the
first time there was an ass

in that goddamn raggedy
White House.

She was too much a queen to
even be in that fucked-up shit.

Every time she walked out the
front door of the White House,

nigga, the whole country said,
"Goddamn!"

Secret Service
used to walk behind her.

"Here, let me carry that,
help you.

Help you carry that."

Now you got this flat booty,
ironin' board back Trump wife.

Nigga, she ain't got
no ass at all.

She come out, the whole country
like, "Whatever."

Secret Service
standin' next to her and,

"Hmmpf, there's nothin'
back there to guard."

"Come on. When I move,
you move just like that."

I don't even think
she's Trump's wife.

Yeah, you better see in to CNN.
Come with me for a minute.

I think this bitch is Putin's
number one KGB female agent.

'Cause I know a killer
when I see one.

I grew up in the projects.
That bitch got a 40-yard stare.

She done killed before.

She got a lotta bodies
on her, nigga.

You can look at
that bitch stare.

Nigga, she on assignment
like a motherfucker.

Hell yeah, niggas.

'Cause she front his ass
off every chance she get.

He be tryin' to shake her hand,

she be like,
"Don't you touch me.

You're the worst assignment
I've ever been given.

I'm waiting on Vladimir
to give me the call.

I'll kill your
orange ass in your sleep."

That's why that motherfucker
don't sleep, nigga.

He up late Tweetin'
like a motherfucker,

"Help me. Help me."

There's a Jerry Springer show
goin' on in

that goddamn White House.

I don't know
what you ooohin' for.

He said it hisself on TV.
Yes, he did!

He said, "Nigga,
if that wasn't my daughter,

she's so fine, we'd be fuckin'."

I got three daughters.

Every man in here
that got a daughter, nigga,

you don't look
at your daughter sexually.

The fact that that came outta
that maggot motherfucker's brain

lets you know what kinda sick
individual you fuckin' with.

Let me explain somethin'
to my white friends here.

Y'all don't really know
or appreciate how lucky you were

that Obama was the first
black president.

That is truly the nicest nigga
America could produce.

For if it was any other nigga
in here, including me...

Day one of the Griffin
Administration,

right after the inniggaration...

White slavery!

Payback's a bitch!

Y'all'd've been some
cotton-pickin' motherfuckers.

Under that Griffin
Administration.

Now don't get me wrong.
I'd be nice to my white slaves.

I'd let y'all pick cotton
at night.

That way your skin
don't burn up.

You got to let your white slaves
work the night shift.

As soon as the sun go down,
"Goddammit, here we go again!"

And let's keep it 100, y'all.

I think white people coulda been
slaves for about five minutes.

No, they too arrogant, nigga.

They'd be out in the field,
"This is some fuckin' bullshit!

Do you have any sunscreen?
I'm fuckin' peelin'!

It's fuckin' hot, master.
It's fuckin' hot.

I'm gonna sue you, master nigga.

I'm gonna sue you, master."

Nigga, the black slave owners
come out on their porch.

"Go on and let 'em go.

They didn't pick nothin'
no goddamn way.

All they do
is lay on the ground

and bitch about how hot it is.

Them motherfuckers
keep singin' outta tune.

Don't nobody wanna
hear that shit."

'Cause nigga, when we were
indentured servants

out in that hot motherfuckin'
sun pickin' cotton,

we wasn't on the ground bitchin'
about the heat.

Them brothas and sistas
were strong, nigga.

Nigga, they still had a song
in their heart.

They was out there
singin' their ass off.

♪ Jesus why ♪

♪ Come on down
and kill that honky Jesus ♪

Y'all remember that one?

Nigga, that was
a Top Ten Negro spiritual.

Fuck y'all, nigga.

That motherfucker
went quadruple cotton.

See, we didn't have
platinum back then.

I see some of you
motherfuckers lookin' at me

like, "He gonna sing
'Go Down, Moses.'"

I don't go back that far.

I sing "Kill That Honky."

Nigga, if you had white slaves
out in the field singin',

they'd be fuckin'
a good song up.

♪ "Fuckin' ain't right ♪

♪ Oh no yeah right
kee-kee-kee-ha" ♪

Nigga, the black master
come out on his porch,

"What that motherfucker
singin'?

Oh, no! Fuck that.
Kill that motherfucker.

Ain't no devil worshippin'
on this plantation.

This here the Lord's
plantation, motherfucker.

What the fuck is
a kee

Now clear out.

I'll pick the cotton
my goddamn self."

"Hey, hey, slow down, nigga.
Slow your ass down.

Now don't you touch
that big-booty white girl."

"No, master,
I was right here on my porch.

I swear
that she didn't do nothin'.

As for the rest of them.
Get them.

Leave that big-booty
white girl alone.

Master Dick
don't discriminate.

Now, I don't like 'em,
but my dick say they all right."

"Come right this way.
Come on.

Now get on in there.

We gonna make
some little niglets."

'Cause what's ailin'
our beautiful country is racism.

Yes!

- Pussy can cure racism.
It has already.

You wanna fix this country,
start fuckin'!

If you don't believe me,
it's already happenin'.

Look around the room.

There go two of them
right there.

That white boy gave up.

"Oh, fuck it.
I'm with the niggas."

'Cause pussy cure racism, man.

That redneck motherfucker
be talkin' careshit.

"Who bein' fucked by a nigga?
Fuck them porch monkeys."

That motherfucker get
some of that chocolate pussy...

"Well, you know they're human."

Nigga be talkin' careshit.

"Man, fuck them
honky motherfuckers.

I don't trust them crackers."

Nigga gets some
of that kink-pink.

You know we got
a longer stroke, nigga.

Nigga,
there's this ol' sayin'.

I'm sure the older brothas
and sistas in here

done heard it before me,

and it still holds water today,
nigga.

If God made somethin' better
than pussy,

he kept it for himself.

Nigga, I don't think there's a
man in this room on this Earth

that can handle somethin'
better than pussy.

Pussy already break
your wallet.

Dicks don't break purses.

Countries have gone to war
over pussy.

There are no dick wars.

Pussy will leave
with your house.

I don't think you hear me.

There's a bitch walkin'
outta a courtroom right now

somewhere on Earth

with a brand-new house
after the divorce.

That bitch walk out,
"Girl, what you get?"

"I got the house."

You ain't never seen dick walk
outta courtroom with shit!

"Hey, my dude, what you get?"

"Nigga, I gotta get a job.

Yeah. I gotta pay alimony.

Mony, mony, child support.

I ain't even gettin' the pussy
no more, man!"

Pussy get free shit.

No woman in my audience tonight

shoulda bought a motherfuckin'
ticket to my show.

Pussy get free shit.

Look at the dumb bitches
in here,

"I'm doin' it all wrong."

You sure is,
you stupid motherfucker.

Pussy get free shit!

"Hey, baby, I wanna see
Eddie Griffin.

Give me 240 nigga tickets.
My pussy wanna laugh."

"I'm hungry."

"Feed my pussy.
Whatever it want, on me.

I got it."

"I wanna see a movie."

"Two tickets
for the pussy, please.

Give the pussy
some popcorn, too.

Small Coke.
The bitch got diabetes.

I don't want her dyin' on me."

Pussy get free shit!

Dick don't get shit free.

Nigga, ask your woman
for somethin' to eat.

"Look in the 'frigerator, nigga.
Somethin' in there."

"Hey, baby,
I'd like to see a movie."

"We got cable, nigga.
Turn it on."

The only time
dick gets free shit

is when you come off the ceiling
on the pussy.

Now I see you young
motherfuckers

lookin' at me like,
"Oh, hey, what's that mean?"

The older brothas in here,
like, "You know it, nigga."

When you come off the ceiling,
you young motherfuckers,

that's when you go up so high
on the upstroke,

the ceiling fan
smack you in the ass.

You gotta beat
a pussy up, nigga.

You gotta hit that motherfucker
in the mouth. Wham!

You gotta swell
that bitch up, nigga.

You gotta make it look like
a wasp's nest stung it.

Nigga, you gotta give pussy
a ten count.

Pussy out!

If you did it right, that bitch
gotta soak in some Epsom salt

for a couple of days.

And look at the little-dick
motherfuckers in here.

"It really happen like that?"

Yeah, little motherfucker.

Nigga,
I'm handlin' my business.

You know, I ain't gonna
sit up here and brag, nigga,

but you know,
I get return visits.

You know when
you doin' somethin', nigga.

You fly into their town
or country...

'cause I'm
an international nigga.

I get around.

And they like,
"You with anybody tonight?

You wanna reminisce?"

'Cause you done put that...

I'm handlin' my nigga.

Before I flew out here
to shoot this, nigga,

my wife's sittin'
in the kitchen, nigga,

and she said, "Yeah, I wish
I could cut your dick off

before you leave."

I said, "Excuse me?"

I was in a state of shock,
too, nigga. I just backed up.

You know, the bitch
had a knife in her hand.

She was cookin',
but fuck the dumb shit.

I ain't takin' no chance.

I said, "So what the fuck
is that all about?"

She like, "That way I know
when you get to Boston, nigga,

you just filmin',
not out there fuckin' around.

I'm tired of you comin' home
with new children."

I didn't have no answer
for that new.

I got ten kids, nigga.
I ain't tellin' on myself.

Quieter than a motherfucker.

I was mad, too, nigga.

I'm sittin' in the kitchen.

"This bitch ain't gonna hit me
with a zinger.

I'm the comedian
in this motherfuckin' family.

I'm the nigga
that tell the jokes.

You don't hit me
with a one-liner

and shut me the fuck up.

Shit, who the fuck
do you think you is, bitch?

You outta
your motherfuckin' mind.

I'll fuck you..."
Said all that shit to myself.

She had the knife in her hand.
I ain't stupid, you know.

I almost missed
the flight gettin' here, nigga,

because I hate losin', nigga.

I don't know how to lose, nigga.

So, nigga, I'm sittin' there
'til my brain turned back on.

I'm like, "This bitch ain't just
gonna leave me with this shit."

Nigga, my brain
finally turned back on.

Said, "What you got
against kids?

Just 'cause they ain't yours?"

That bitch threw that knife,
nigga.

And see, I made it here safely.

I was thinkin' about the shit
on the flight, nigga.

I said, "Damn."

Now all this time I thought
she was gettin' upset

over stupid shit
'cause I live in Vegas, nigga.

Like comin' home
the next afternoon."

I'm tryin' to win
my money back, nigga.

And immediately
she think a nigga fuckin'.

"You out there fuckin'."

"Not all the time."

I'm an honest nigga.
Not all the time.

Nigga, I was thinkin' about it.

Nigga, I said,
"Nigga, it's the dickin'."

This whole time I'm thinkin'
this shit is about time.

Fellas, it ain't about time.
It's about the dickin'.

See, if you dick her down
properly,

now the Knights
of the Round Table know

what I'm talkin' about.

You little-dick motherfuckers,
just think about it.

But if you
dick her down properly,

her brain becomes dicktified.

Root word, addickted.

Nigga, all she think about
is your dick 24 hours a day.

Nigga, you walk
outta your house,

that bitch like,
"The dick is leavin'.

Who the dick leavin' with?

You know,
when you left here yesterday,

I called the dick on the phone.
The dick didn't answer.

What is the dick doin'?"

Nigga, if you dick 'em down
proper,

you take three steps
outta your house,

a female mind immediately
comes up with scenarios

that have nothin' to do
with reality.

Nigga, you go uno,
dos, tres, "Bye, baby."

"Hold it, nigga.
Who you think you foolin'?

You think I'm stupid,
don't ya?

Talkin' about you
goin' to shoot.

Pool, Eddie. Ain't nobody
shot pool since 1973.

You out there fuckin',
you little black motherfucker!"

I started thinkin'
about this shit.

Fellas,
if we had detachable dicks,

and ladies, be honest
with your motherfuckin' self,

y'all wouldn't give a fuck
if we ever came in.

Nigga, we could stay
gone for a week,

two weeks maybe.

Her girlfriend will come over.

"I ain't seen your husband.

Every time I come over here,
that nigga ain't here.

Did y'all get into
an argument or somethin'?

Y'all get a divorce?"

She like, "No girl.
Shit, Eddie left, when was it?

Last Friday?

Oh, the nigga
ain't doin' nothin', though,

'cause the dick
is in the drawer."

"The dick is in the drawer.
You wanna play with it?"

"Nigga, your ass really
somewhere shootin' pool?

You talkin' careshit.
Yeah, nigga.

Two times
off the rail corner pocket.

Nigga, I done beat you
two games, nigga.

Ain't nobody set your ass up.

Put your money where
your mouth is, nigga.

Otherwise close it.

Your breath smells like
you had a shit sandwich."

"Hold on there, nigga.

Y'all play without me.

My wife is playin'
with my dick again.

She lettin'
her girlfriend play."

Ladies,
what's good for the goose

is good for the gander.

See, if my wife got the bomb,
that's why she got the ring.

"Baby, where you goin'?"

"Uh-- we gonna go out.
It's girls' night out."

"Put the pussy in the drawer.

Put the pussy
in the motherfuckin' drawer.

Take them lips off.
In the drawer.

Oh, bitch, you ain't goin'
nowhere with that throat.

In the drawer.

Take them titties off, bitch.
Right on top.

In the drawer.

You ain't goin' nowhere with
that right hand, either, bitch.

In the drawer."

Them bitches meet up
at the club, like,

"He wouldn't let me
leave with my ass."

"He wouldn't let me leave with
my ass."

Nigga, you know one of them
bitches show up blind.

"He told me he don't want me
lookin' at nobody."

I'm just sayin', ladies,
y'all got more shit

you gonna have to
come up off of.

That hair,
in the motherfuckin' drawer.

Them eyelashes.
They ain't yours.

No goddamn way.
In the motherfuckin' drawer.

And bitch, take them
motherfuckin' feet off.

Some of these niggas
got foot fetishes.

Nigga, I get done with my wife,

she gonna be
a motherfuckin' head.

I'll grab her
by her eye-not-havin'-ass

and roll her out the door.

"Have fun, baby!
I hope y'all goin' bowlin'.

That's all the fuck
you gonna be able to do.

I'm gonna fuck the shit out
your body while you're gone."

I told you, nigga,
I'm comin' to hurt you.

I don't do chuckles, nigga.

I'll hurt you, nigga.

You'll leave my show
with a six-pack.

"Hey, nigga,
where you been trainin' at?"

"That Eddie Griffin show, nigga.

That nigga tighten your shit
right up, nigga."

Nigga, you remember when...

Nigga, you remember
when you was 16?

How many fellas in here
remember when you was 16, nigga?

You remember, nigga, we could
fuck seven to nine times a day?

Well,
some of you motherfuckers

got a short libido, nigga.

Seven to nine
wasn't shit for me, nigga.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner,
snacks in-between,

late-night snack,
before breakfast.

Nigga, when you was 16, nigga,
you bust a nut,

your shit come right back
in ten seconds.

"Oh, yeah.
Oh, you was good, bitch.

Hey, we ain't done."

Nigga, when I got in my 20s,
I could still go, nigga.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner,
late-night snack, early mornin'.

Nigga, you get in your 30s,

"Hey, you wanna fuck
before we go to work

or when we get off?"

Your ass start
gettin' tired, nigga.

Nigga, you get in your 40s,

"Uh, look,
we gonna fuck Monday..."

"Wednesday..."

"You wanna do
Friday after work?"

"Or Saturday after the club?"

Nigger, you get in your 50s...

"Thursday good for me."

"Thursday? Oh, no!

We ain't doin' shit
on the weekend, bitch.

That mouth's been drivin'
this nigga crazy."

"Sunday's out, bitch.
I'm watchin' the game."

"I said Thursday.

Thursday.
Thursday then. Yeah."

Nigga, you get 60, 70,

"Uh, lookie here,
we gonna fuck December 17.

At approximately 4:37.

I'm gonna put a strong
three minutes on ya.

Then I'll see your ass again
next year.

If we still alive."

'Cause
the older we get, nigga,

God put a tickin' clock
on our dick.

It has to die, nigga.

You ain't supposed to have
children when you're 77.

You won't be alive

to see the motherfucker
graduate grade school.

That's why every year
it die a little bit more.

But now you got these
old niggas be cheatin'.

Yeah, they got them Jesus pills.

Yeah, that's what
I call them, nigga.

Them Viagras be givin'
the nigga res-erections.

Get it? Res-erections,
Jesus pill?

This motherfucker
slower than my mother.

You know when you done caught

one of these cheatin'
motherfuckers, ladies,

because they be at a club
with nothin' but 30-year-olds,

and they ass
on the dancefloor, nigga.

The one they got there.

"Yeah!

Yeah!

I'm back in the game!

I'm back in the game.

Ah, ah!"

Nigga, they be tryin' to
holler at them young things.

"Hey, hey, hey, what you say
over there, candy?

Which one of you bitches
wanna automobile?"

They so old, they don't call it
a car, nigga.

"Automobile."

And don't laugh, ladies.

Y'all be fadin' them
old motherfuckers.

"Girl, where you goin'?"

"I'm goin' to get me
an automobile."

'Cause they know
them old motherfuckers

can't fuck
longer than ten seconds.

Nigga, they be on them pills.

"Felt my heart jump
outta my chest.

Slow down, goddammit.

I asked for some pussy,
not a casket.

Oooh, aaah!

I'm goin' home.
Keep the automobile.

Tell your girlfriends
about Sweet Papa Willow.

I'll see you next year.

Oh, goddamn, this thing
won't go down.

I shoulda put my glasses on
when I read the instructions.

I think I took
too many of them.

Oh, I can feel my heartbeat
throbbing in the mother...

I just gotta fuck somethin',
dammit. Shit!"

They want every one
of our black entertainers,

me included, nigga, to have
a .

If you in my business
and you black,

you not gonna die clean.

They got Tiger Woods.

But Tiger helped 'em.

That nigga fucked around
and married him a white woman.

Now nothin' against
you white women in here,

but this nigga here, no.

No and no, and hell no.

See, I do research.

Every famous nigga that's been
with a white woman got problems.

O.J.'s still fucked up.

His white woman
been dead for years.

Nigga's still fucked up!

Lookit,
they got Tiger Woods.

He married one.

And nigga, she got a divorce,

and she left with damn near
half a billion dollars, man.

This bitch ain't
hit one golf ball.

So you ladies gettin' outta hand
with that motherfuckin'

"I'm takin'
half of your shit" shit.

How you an independent bitch
and runnin' away with money?

If you was here for money...
see, if you leave with money,

and this is my honest opinion
about the shit. Bitch,

if we equal, I came with dick,
you came with pussy.

Let's leave with what we got.

How y'all keep tryin'
to make pussy

higher case value than dick?

'Cause the bitch
always say this shit,

"I gave you all this pussy."

"Bitch, I gave you
all this dick!"

"We even, motherfucker."

And then at the end,
they say, "I want half."

See, that's called bein' a ho.

See, if it wasn't
about money, bitch,

what you want money for
at the end?

See, I'd rather a real ho.

They just tell you up front,
"$500 tonight, nigga, one hour."

Not these long-term sneaky hoes.

"I don't want your money,
Eddie."

'Til they're in
the divorce court.

"I want it all, nigga.

"You been fuckin' me for years."

"Yep. That's what people do when
they together, motherfucker."

This bitch left with
half a billion dollars.

Nigga, not on my watch.

She lucky she wasn't
my wife, nigga.

They'd have found her.

I swear to God, nigga.

Let me explain somethin'
to you beautiful ladies

in my audience tonight.

I love each and every one
of you motherfuckers,

but not one of y'all got a pussy
worth half a billion dollars.

Now, it might be
some $250 pussies up

in this motherfucker...

It might be some $2,500 pussies
up in this motherfucker...

Might be some $10,000
on a Saturday, nigga,

because you been wantin' to fuck
Halle Berry for a while.

But it ain't no half a billion
dollar pussies on Earth.

Niggas, trying to take
that bitch fishin'.

That's why billionaires
have yachts.

"What happened to her?"
"She fell overboard.

I tried to save her."

Nigga, we get back to shore,

I'll put seaweed
around my own neck.

"I jumped in.
I tried everything.

To save that bitch.

I mean my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"The sharks just ate her up.

Them white sharks.

Yeah. They racist.

They only eat white people."

That's why they call them
great white sharks.

They only eat white people.

Even the shark is racist
in this goddamn country.

They asked the shark,
"Would you eat a nigga?"

"No, no. They're tough.
I tried one.

I lost a lot of teeth.
They fight back."

Mexicans...,

Mexicans, y'all don't know
how good y'all got it.

You know, even though
they got all this shit.

They fuckin' with Mexicans now

with this DACA shit
and all this.

They fuckin' with really
the brain drain

that comes from India
and other motherfuckin' nations

that got a better
education system

that come over here
to get educated

and run these motherfuckin'
companies.

Nigga, they fuckin'
with the Mexicans, nigga,

for some fuckin' reason.
I'm here to tell you, nigga.

Um, Mexicans, y'all
don't know how good you got it.

See, when white people
fuck with y'all,

Mexico right next door.

Yeah. You can walk home.

Nigga, if Africa
was that close...

Now you get what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.

Nigga, that first whip
,

"Get the children.
We are walking home.

Get the children, woman.

We're gettin'
outta this motherfucker.

Who do you think you are
hitting me, you son of a bitch!

I do not work for free,
you motherfucker.

My name is not Tyrone.
It is not motherfuckin' Leroy.

It is Shaka.

Fuck you! Get the woman.
Children, let's go.

We are walking out this,
bitch."

It'd be a mass exodus.

And then white people,

you would finally
have your dream.

An all-white America.
Confederate flags everywhere.

Not a nigga in sight.
This country wouldn't be shit.

There would be
no open-brain surgery.

We did that.

There would be
no open-heart surgery.

We did that.

There would be no street lights.

That's why they red,
yellow, and green.

Jamaican flag, nigga.

If somebody white did it,
it'd be red, white, and blue.

You go on the blue.

Music wouldn't be shit.

There would be no blues
four-bar progression.

There would be
no rock 'n' roll.

We created that motherfucker
extension of the blues.

That's right, white folks.
We takin' our shit back.

You better go
to Chuck Berry's grave

and find out who did this shit.

There would be no R&B .
There would be no funk.

There would be no jazz.

There would be no bee-bop

turnin' into
hip-hop non-stop motherfucker

goin' 'round the clock, niggas,
until you drop.

There would be no gospel
worth listenin' to.

All there'd be left,
nigga, is twang-twang.

Twang-twang.

Twang-twang.

♪ She ran off with Petey ♪

♪ My favorite dog ♪

♪ I only know where
four-legged fuckers go ♪

Nigga suicide rate
would go up 2000%.

The national anthem
would not be worth listenin' to.

Nigga, whenever we sing it...

Nigga, Whitney sung it so well,
God rest that sista's soul.

When Sista Whitney
sung it, nigga,

she sung it so well
it made a nigga feel like

they really wanted us
in this country.

You understand me?

The beginnin'
of a baseball game,

Whitney would get to hittin'
that motherfucker,

"Oh say... can you see...
I see...

By the dawn,
early in the mornin' light...

light it up, light it up."

Nigga, you leave the baseball
game all hyped...

"Nigga shit,
nigga."

Police pull you over.

"Fuck this motherfuckin'
country!

Fuck that goddamn song, too."

Y'all would never win another
summer Olympics, white folks.

I'm sorry.

Scott, Bob, Jill...
Sally.

No more gold in the summer.

I don't even know
why white folks show up

to the summer Olympics.

You not gonna beat
a nigga in the heat.

We from the hottest
continent on Earth.

Africa. Originally
known as Alkebulan.

You not gonna beat a nigga
in the heat, man.

Y'understand me?

Why do you show up for a
foot race against black people?

Do you really think
you can beat us runnin'?

We got too much practice, nigga.

We run from our parents.
"Put it down, nigga!

I told you
when we get to the store,

you don't pick up
a motherfuckin' dime."

We run from gangs.

"Come here, nigga.
Where my shit at?"

"I don't know, cuz!"

We run from the police.

"Well, what do you got?"

"Well, uh, a lollipop.
Oh, goddamn!"

You see, police helicopters
can't catch niggas.

You watch that shit, First 48 ?

Helicopter:
"We lost him again.

Oh, the nigga jumped over
two houses and made a left."

You know that race
they got, nigga,

the 100

And it's always 27 niggas
from 27 nigga countries.

One white dude.

And you can see on his face
when he gettin' in the blocks.

" Oh!

I'm gonna be lookin' at
a lot o' nigga ass in a minute."

Get it, 'cause they
in front of him.

The one race that white people
think they can beat us in

is the long-distance race.

You see 'em practicin'
out here in Boston

at the marathon, New York.
"Hey, what are you doin'?"

"I'm getting ready
for the niggas.

Oh, you gotta train.
They just got natural ability."

Train as you may, white folks,

you not gonna beat
them three Ethiopians.

Regular niggas
from America

can't beat them motherfuckers.

Them eggheads always come in
first, second, third, nigga.

You not fuckin'
with the eggheads, nigga.

They got them eggheads.
Body skin and bones.

They used to runnin' for weeks.

Chasin' gazelles for sustenance.

Nigga, gazelles
will be fallin' down.

"One of us is going to
have to take one.

You are the weak one.
Only the strong can survive."

"No, they chased my cousin
two weeks ago.

They don't stop.

They smile when they run.

I can hear their teeth
chattering in the distance."

Now you know how motherfuckers
come across the line, nigga,

at the end of the race?

They be tired, niggas.
They ran for two days.

"Can I get some water,
some water?

Give me some fuckin' water!"

Nigga, them Ethiopians
come across the line...

"You want some water?"

"I never touch the stuff.

The blood of the gazelle
is all the sustenance I need.

Who wants to run again?"

Nigga, y'all goin' to
church this Sunday?

I suggest everybody
get your ass to church

and get your money back.

Hurry up, goddammit it!

If Joel Osteen
didn't prove to you finally

what I've been
tryin' to tell you

for 30 motherfuckin' years...

It's a goddamn scam, man!
God don't live in no church.

Nowhere in the Bible,
and I read it 17 times,

nowhere in it does it say,

"Build me a house
on Fifth and Nowhere.

I only like
stained-glass windows.

'Cause I don't want nobody
lookin' in on the hustle.

I mean, the truth.

I want hard wooden benches
in there

'cause I don't want nobody
comfortable.

I need a greasy nigga
with a perm

whose neck looks like
a half a pack of hot dogs.

Who's a silver-tongued
mackin' motherfucker.

And he sweats
before he starts talkin'.

'Cause he's from Hell."

"What you gonna call him?"

"The preacher.

I need 12 to 15 fat bucket
o' chicken-eatin' bitches

with curtains on."

"What you gonna call them?"

"The choir.

I need two homosexuals
with tambourines."

"Why they there?"
"I don't know.

I just like how they shake it."

I need an old nigga
who's senile.

Dress him in purple.

Put a lot of medals on him.
Sit him right next to the pew."

"What you gonna call him?"

"The deacon."

"What you gonna call
this organization?"

"Church."

Nigga, church done got so bad,

they got ATM machines
in the motherfuckers.

Am I bullshittin'?

And nigga, here's how
these preachers preach nowadays.

I'm tellin' you,
the church is in trouble.

Them motherfuckers be in there,

"Oh, yeah,
welcome to God's house.

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Now, you're here.

You see we have installed
an ATM machine

'cause some of y'all have been
not bringin' God's money.

Now you pay your light bill.
You pay your gas bill.

You pay your taxes.
Uncle Sam get his.

God can't have his?

That's why I installed the hot
boilin' waters of correction.

Now, a lot of y'all see
the flames

at the bottom of the bathtub...

You see Brother Williams didn't
bring God money last Sunday.

You're probably lookin' at

these two large
swollen niggas here

wonderin' what they purpose is.

Go get Brother Williams.
Bring him up here."

They dip that nigga
in the hot, boilin' water and...

"Sound like he's screamin',
don't it?

That's not what it is.
That's the demons leavin' him.

Look at how fast he ran

to get God's money outta
the brand-new ATM machine.

Is there anybody else in here
late with the Lord's issue?"

The only difference
between a white church

and a black church.

White church
will fuck your son.

I don't like false indignation.

Y'all watch the same
goddamn news I watch.

Them priests been little-boy
fuckin' for quite a while.

That's why they wear
them white robes, nigga.

They buck naked underneath.

They don't even walk
to the pulpit.

They float.

'Cause little Timmy
underneath there

butt-ass naked on roller skates
suckin' dick.

Now you can go on.

Black church
will fuck your wife.

Nigga, if your wife is sittin'
on the front row at church

every Sunday,

you might wanna ask that bitch
a couple of questions.

What position was you in

to get this motherfucker
position every Sunday?

'Cause only a black preacher
will ask your ass

some shit like this.

"Lookie here, I was wonderin'
if your wife could stay after

for a little private
Bible study."

"Uh, lookie here, what the fuck
you gonna tell my bitch

you ain't gonna tell the rest
of these bitches in here?

So let me explain me to you,
partner.

I don't believe none
of this bullshit of motherfucker

sleepin' in the whale
for three months.

I don't know what the fuck
this cartoon shit is.

I only come here
to keep this bitch happy.

I don't give a fuck
about you, greasy nigga.

Now, ask me another
motherfuckin' question

and I got
a last question for you.

How about if I blow
your motherfuckin' brains out

so you can see what you thinkin'
is some bullshit?"

"Well, I can see that you was
the wrong nigga to ask.

I'll see you
at the church picnic."

God is free.
Don't forget it.

God don't need no money.
Never wanted no money, nigga.

Them Romans wrote that
in the book.

Tithing.
God want ten%.

What the fuck would God want
ten% of what he already own?

He own everything.

That's like me
rippin' my sleeve off,

stickin' it in my pocket.
I already got it.

Every church I been to,

not one of them got a tube
to suck the money up to God.

But the greasy nigga with a perm
got a mansion, a private jet,

a helicopter,
four hoes and a dog.

You can't
pimp a pimp, player.

I ain't givin' you a dime,
motherfucker.

Fuck you. God free.
Get on your knees.

Pray direct
to the source, nigga.

He don't need
no middle man, nigga.

Read the book.
Just don't go to church.

Read it for yourself, nigga.

You know how to read.
Who is this nigga?

Who made this nigga the liaison?

"You can only get to
the Lord through me."

Read the motherfucker.

God said, "If two or more
come in my name,

I'm in the presence."
Ain't that what he said?

Well, there's more
than two of us.

I brought the nigga name up.
That mean he here.

Welcome to church,
you motherfuckers.

Now, here
at the Eddie Griffin church,

I ain't gonna
pass the plate around.

I charged your ass up front.

I'm honest about my shit.

Boston, y'all a fun bunch
of motherfuckers.

No, really.
Y'all some fun motherfuckers.

Thank you!
- Now lookie here.

You are, too.
- Oh shit!

Thirty years.
You could tell.

I still love doin' this shit.
Yeah!

- Now, uh,

if I offended anybody in this
audience tonight, fuck you.

These are the jokes. Ha-ha.

If you check
your ticket, motherfucker,

it said comedy show.

It didn't say serious show.

If you took
any of these soliloquies

that flew outta my mouth
serious, you got a problem.

Go get another Cab Sav.
Sit down.

Discuss it with somebody.

You got hang-ups,
you motherfucker.

If I offended any white people
in here this evening,

I was talkin' about
racist white people.

If you were offended,

then you the motherfucker
I was talkin' to.

If I offended any Mexicans
in here tonight,

prove me wrong.

Why the fuck do you like workin'
hard all the goddamn time?

Be late like a nigga sometimes.

If I offended any Asians
in here tonight,

cook somethin' without rice.

Shrimp fried rice,
chicken fried Rice.

Rice, rice, rice.

People don't want rice
in every goddamn thing!

How about some
shrimp fried collard greens?

That shit sound good
to a motherfucker, don't it?

Throw some cayenne pepper
on that bitch.

If I offended
any African Americans

in here this evening,

welcome home,
you boojee-ass niggas.

If I offended
any ladies and women

in here this evening,
,

I was talkin' about
bitches and hoes.

If you were offended...

If I offended any Christians
in here tonight, go to Hell...

with gasoline-dipped drawers.

That way,
you ignite on arrival.

I don't want you to miss
none of your flame time.

Can't stand Christians,

the most judgmental
motherfuckers on Earth.

Only a goddamn Christian,
"You goin' to Hell."

How the fuck you know?
Like God came down.

"Oh, let that nigga know
he's goin' to Hell.

I'm kinda busy right now."

Obviously you didn't read your
own book again, motherfucker.

It says, "Judge
lest you be judged."

Only God can judge me.

You could sit back
and enjoy the show

and shut the fuck up,
you hypocrite motherfuckers.

Out smokin' dicks and weed
all week,

then puttin' $20 on the plate
on Sunday

and think you paid
for your transgressions.

Like God can't see past
your fuck-ass charade.

At least I'm honest
with my heavenly Father.

You know I drink.

You know I smoke,
not just cigarettes.

And I'm fuckin' on a bitch
I'm not married to.

You made the position.
You made it so good.

Hey, a pussy like M&Ms.
You can't eat just one.

If I offended any Muslims
in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum.

I'm not fuckin' with them.
They'll blow us up, nigga.

Hey, that was a joke.
As-Salaam-Alaikum.

Al-hamdulillah,
al-hamdulillah, nigga.

Inshallah, nigga, inshallah.

Nigga. Nigga, I was...

Fuck y'all, nigga.

My brain poppin', nigga.

Imagine bein' a sperm, nigga.

I was just thinkin' about
this shit.

Imagine nigga sperm just
swimmin' around in a nigga dick

that ain't gettin' no pussy.

"This sure
is some bullshit, man.

Nigga, we been down here
for five years, man.

I ain't never gonna see
the light o' day again.

This nigga, I swear to God
he ain't shit!

Why we gotta be
in this nigga's dick?"

It look like he gonna
get some pussy, nigga.

"All right, everybody line up.
This is it.

Line up, niggas.
This motherfucker's got some."

Nigga, the Old Sperm come by.

"Y'all don't wanna
go out there.

This shit ain't real.

That nigga jackin' off.

You gonna end up on a towel.

Dry and crunchy.

I lost 50 billion sons
that way.

It ain't never been real
with this motherfucker.

That's how
I'm still here, nigga.

I know when it's real. Shit!"

Any motherfucker
get some pussy, nigga,

and they come out
and got a condom on.

"Back up. This ain't it!

Back up! I can see it.

Stop pushin'!
Stop pushin'!"

Then the motherfucker flush
the condom down the toilet.

"We shoulda listened
to the old man."

Say you finally, you,
you finally consummate

your relationship and you havin'
sex without a condom.

And they get to come out
into some actual pussy.

Them mothers come out...

"Rub the walls, nigga!
Oh, it's so juicy."

Nigga, the Old Sperm come out.

"Well, I be goddamn!

I never thought
I'd live to see it.

Which one of y'all know
where the automobiles is?"

"Come on. Follow me.
I know the way to the head.

Shake your tailfeather,
motherfucker.

Shake your tailfeather."

And them motherfuckers
start droppin' one by one.

"Hey, hold up, Pop.

Hey, everybody we fell out,

and we been swimmin'
for a long time.

How deep is this bitch?"

"This bitch deeper
than a .

"Just keep swimmin',
just keep swimmin'."

"Hey, Pop, let's just,
let's just wait right here.

Take a break
like everybody else.

We can make it
to the egg in the morning."

"Junior, we ain't
gonna make it.

We been set up.

This bitch is on the pill."

Imagine,

imagine bein' a sperm
in a gay motherfucker's dick.

"Didn't nobody
clean this bitch out?

There is mud everywhere.

They ain't nothin' but corn
and peanuts all in this mud.

I think
we're in the wrong spot."

My motherfuckin' face
gettin' stuck too, nigga.

All right.
Let's get serious.

Nigga, I'd like to
pour out some liquor,

if you don't mind,

for some loved ones
that I lost on this journey

for 30 years in this game
we call entertainment.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, man.
This first one,

, oh man, is goin' out
to Brotha Charlie Murphy.

Be right, Charlie.

Nigga, I've had the privilege
and the pleasure, man,

of bein' on tour with Brotha
Charlie for three & a half

years, damn near four years,
man, up until the day he died.

You know, it was
the Comedy Get-Down Tour

with me, Brotha Lopez,
D.L. Hughley,

big Ced the Entertainer,
you know what I mean.

To watch a man that strong.
I mean, Charlie was a man's man.

Ya' know he was man amongst men
like a motherfucker.

You know, Charlie
would walk into a room,

and everybody was like,

"Is the nigga
gonna kill somebody?"

You know, Charlie
had a permanent smile.

You couldn't tell
if he was mad or happy.

But I watched this brotha
fight cancer

and tell all of us
not to tell nobody.

We watched him go
to the hospital,

do chemotherapy on a Wednesday,
walk out that hospital,

walk in front of 20,000 people
and kill it on Friday.

That's how strong
this brotha was.

You know what I mean?

I know Heaven is funnier
than a motherfucker right now.

Dick Gregory just went up there,
y'understand me?

Nigga, I know Charlie
up in Heaven, nigga,

like a motherfucker.

"Charlie Murphy's in Heaven.

Darkness is spreading.

Look at Rick James.

Got his feet on God's couch.
Silly motherfucker.

Look at Prince over there
playing buck-naked basketball.

He ain't gonna be up here long."

This next one is goin' out
to Brotha Bernie Mac.

Nigga, you know
Bernie up in Heaven.

"What the fuck
goin' on up here?

Some motherfucker angel
flyin' around

in a motherfuckin' corner
over there.

Flyin' around
in a motherfucker circle.

A motherfucker circle.

Got one motherfuckin'
good wing;

the other wing look like
a barbecued chicken wing.

That motherfucker from Hell.
He from Hell.

He a burnt-up motherfucker

comin' up here tryin' to
spy on motherfuckers.

He's spyin' on motherfuckers.

Spyin' on my
motherfuckin' Heaven."

Now you know Prince up there.

"Dearly beloved...

We're gathered here today to
get to this thing called life.

The word life,
means Heaven.

That's been a long time,
but I'm here to tell you..."

Nigga, you know, Michael
is still at the gate.

They ain't let
that nigga in yet.

Michael at the gate:
"You know who it is."

♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪

♪ You know who it is ♪

♪ You know who it is ♪

♪ You know who it is
you know who it is ♪

Peter right at the gate.
"Uh, no I don't."

"You do not fit the description
that I have."

Now you know Sammy Davis
up in that motherfucker.

"Um... stop it, man. Stop it!

You guys are kookie, man.

Um, excuse me, um, God.

You know, I've been here
for quite a while, and um,

I-- I really adore you, man.

I mean, you know, you're
magnanimous in your greatness.

There's no one like you.

You are the cat of cats,
dig that, man.

And you know, since
I've been here,

you know, I've, I've,
I've danced for you.

You know, I-- I-- I--
I was just wondering,

when do I get a new eye?"

You know, Rich is up in there.

That's one of my closest,
closest niggas for years.

And, nigga, I know
motherfucker.

"Excuse me, God.

I was wonderin' if I could
have a moment of your time.

I know that you're
a very busy God.

You got a whole universe
of shit to worry about.

You know, white peoples
is killin' each other,

there's an orange motherfucker
in the White House.

You understand me?

Mexicans, they ain't
comin' or goin'.

They just confused.

The niggas is like,
'What the fuck?'

So, I know you're busy
with all that kinda shit,

and you know,
we still can't find Kanye.

I coulda told him about that.

Shit, every nigga that fucked
one of them goddamn Kardashians

come up missin'.

Or they end up in rehab
or some kinda shit.

Shit, Bruce Jenner
was the only white man

to beat a nigga
in the summer Olympics.

He stuck his dick in the mama
and said, 'Fuck it.

Take my dick.
Give me a dress.'

I don't wanna bore you
with the details.

Anyway, I been on the south side
of Heaven since I got here.

And the peoples over there,
they complainin'.

they didn't wanna tell you

'cause they scared of ya.

They asked me to
deliver the message

'cause they know
I don't give a fuck.

Anyway, you know,
you been known to drown people

and fire and brimstone,
lightnin'.

You kinda
scare a nigga.

Anyway, they said your son
Jesus, he been over there.

The boy ain't took a bath
since I been here.

He walkin' on his bath water.
The nigga keep walkin' around.

You can't get the nigga wet.
He dodged showered raindrops.

Look, people's noses
are hurtin'.

We was wonderin', um,

if you could hit the nigga
with a ligtnin' storm.

And wash him up a little bit.

And the other thing,

he's an arrogant motherfucker,
too.

He said he's your only son.
You said we all your children.

I'm confused like a
motherfucker.

You know? That's some shit

you niggas need
to get together and discuss.

That ain't got nothin'
to do with me.

Well, that aside, uh,
on a more personal note,

you said Heaven is
whatever a nigga want.

Well... I was wonderin',

would ya mind
if I snort the clouds?

All I want is some cocaine

since a nigga got up
in this motherfucker.

It look like cocaine to me.

Okay, I can see
that I've upset you.

I don't wanna get struck
by the lightnin'.

If you change your mind,

I'll be right over here
on cloud nine."

Boston, love you.
Good night.

Take the Lord with you.