Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us.

To me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam,

which was handy for the others when she disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Monica, the wife.

She's back with her bird in tow.

And we can't get shot of her.

And the neighbours, eh... The neighbours.

Well, what can you say?

Well, nothing, if you don't want your arms breaking.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But, all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is:

they know how to throw a party. [chuckles]

Scatter!

[computer error beeps]

[Carl] Normally, poems are shite.

Shakespeare and Woolworth, and all them.

But we've got this one at school that says,

"They fuck you up, your mum and your dad."

It's the first poem I ever agreed with.

Your parents are supposed to help you.

But they don't.

And they say it's because of 'the pressures of modern living',

but that's bollocks.

Come along, lad, don't dilly-dally.

The Good Lord has provided.

Gosh, I'll have some of that, Father!

Me, too, it looks ripping!

Ah, no, you don't, you two chaps, not till young Carl has had his fill.

He's our pride and joy.

[Carl] If this is how it's supposed to be, it wouldn't be half-bad.

You wanna be careful what you wish for, Carl.

Where have you been all my life, doll face?

Fuck me, if it isn't the wife's lesbian lover!

[Carl] But look at the state of us.

How is this a family?

They do fuck you up, your mum and your dad,

and I hate it!

You're like a walking lobotomy sometimes, Carl.

[Frank] Oh, pot, kettle, black.

Don't knock it till you've tried it, goofy.

What's he doing up?

[sighs] Hasn't been to bed yet.

Even he'd struggle getting drunk this early.

[grunts] And who are you, one of Tony Blair's little thought police,

monitoring the behaviour of your parents so you can report them

to Esther fuckin' Rantzen?

Couldn't drop us a tenner, could you?

[Ian] You must be joking, I'm b'racic.

We're out of milk, and she's down to her last nappy.

[scoffs] Welcome to my world.

-It's all take, take, take, isn't it? -Morning!

-Debs... -[Debbie] No.

-Come on, Liam. -[Frank] That's right. Run off to school,

-desert the sinking ship. -[Monica] Have a nice day, love.

Let lickle Katie piss all over herself.

Dob your parents in for reading the wrong books.

You flogged every book we ever had.

I should have kept the one on contraception, shouldn't I?

[Ian] See you later.

-You haven't had any breakfast. -[Frank] Good, sell the toast.

Buy little Katie a nappy.

All right, chicken?

[chuckles]

Haven't you forgotten something?

Me giro!

She's took my fuckin' giro!

Debs! Debbie!

[Lip] No joy.

Go next door and try.

We're not going to your mum and dad's.

They are my family, Lip.

-Katie needs-- -[Lip yells] I know!

[Katie crying]

I know.

I'll sort something. We agreed.

If we can't make it on our own without your family...

then what's the point?

I'll fix it.

I promise.

Where's Prince Charming?

[sniggers]

[tearful] Off somewhere, doing something, I don't...

Happy birthday, bird.

You remembered.

I always do. Did none of them?

Not a single one.

[crying]

Everybody hates me! [sobbing]

[tuts] Oh, come here.

[indistinct chatter]

[Stan] This is a waste of time.

[Carrie] If we catch the Maguires in the act,

then the crime rate will go through the floor.

We're hardly inconspicuous, though, are we? They're not stupid.

Didn't you bring any cups?

-Carrie? -They're in the bottom.

-Why would she be packing your bag? -'Cause we share a house.

-You what? -A police house.

I've been on the list for ages, but they only give them to couples,

so Carrie offered her services.

You jammy bastard.

I-I mean I'm paying 400 quid a month for a shithole.

And you get a subsidised house, it's hardly fair.

[Stan] Central heating, power shower, fridge freezer.

Could sub-let your place, and move in with us.

-What? -We've got a spare room.

With three of us splitting the rent, it'll cost next to nothing.

I don't mind if I do.

-[anticipatory music] -[smirks]

There's someone at the house. Must be a buyer.

Jesus! Blondie's no oil painting,

but you're really scraping the barrel with this one, bruv.

Who the fuck are you?

The name's Kelly. And I'm looking for my brother, Kev.

Can I speak to him?

I think you'll find he doesn't live here anymore, darling.

Police! No one move.

Piss off, you dyke.

We've reasonable grounds to search your property, Mrs Maguire.

You're not coming anywhere near my house without a search warrant.

It's only a matter of time, Mimi.

[Kelly] Who the fuck's Mimi?

And where's our fuckin' Kevin?

-That is foul and unacceptable language. -Fuck off!

-[Carrie] I... will... not... tolerate... -[Kelly crying out] Ow!

-[Carrie] ...offensive... language... -[Stan] Carrie, leave her!

...on... my... patch!

What are you taking it out on her for? She's not a Maguire.

-That was threatening behaviour. -Yeah, from you.

-Hit first, ask questions later. -[Kelly groaning]

Again. You're leaving me no option.

[Kelly grunts]

I love the way her nostrils flare when she gets pumped.

Have you noticed that?

We're losing money hand over fist because of you.

It's not my fault pigs are staking our house.

It is your fault we can't distribute through the van.

-[cries out] -Wrong change?

-How's my counting now? -[cries out]

-Six, seven... -[father] Oi!

Leave my son alone!

-[screams] -[father] Come back here,

I'll have your head on a fuckin' stick!

[breaks squealing]

What kind of a man beats up a 12-year-old?

He were disrespecting me.

-I'll disrespect you right fuckin' now. -He'll never learn that way.

He'll take the van out and face the consequences of his actions.

But... they'll kill me.

Then it'll be a lesson for ya!

No son of mine hides behind the curtains when he should be out earning.

[upbeat music]

How not?

What is the problem?

Well, the problem is, Kelly, love, last time I gave you a bed,

you turned the house into a knocking shop.

I'll pay rent.

I've got nowhere else to go.

No, I'm sorry.

I've got the kids to think about.

You're not exactly a fuckin' role model, are you?

Who's paying?

-She is. -He is.

If you don't pay, you don't play.

Fuckin' hell.

-[machine beeping] -[man] Yes!

No more for Frank Gallagher unless he pays cash.

Take your winnings and fuck off.

But I've got a repeat chance.

You also have a chance to keep your kneecaps.

What's it to be?

[machine beeping]

Ha-ha-ha-ha! We have a winner!

A pint, an Irish chaser, and a large vodka and Coke.

[Paddy sings] Money makes the world go round

The world go round The world...

[Carl] Oh, God!

What's the point? Everybody hates Brussels sprouts.

If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing right, Carl.

Even for Monica.

The family that eats together stays together.

[Carol] Mind you, once you've seen a man's eating habits,

the romantic illusion shatters.

My Brendan used to eat like a cow chewing cud.

Couldn't get it out of my head.

Any time he wanted to emigrate south.

[sighs] Where did Brendan want to emigrate to?

-Me fanny. -[timer dings]

Something's burning.

[Carl] Shit!

Six-eighty.

Take care of it, we're all family now, aren't we?

-That comes out of my wages. -I'll pay for it.

[Karen] That's not the point.

[Lip] All right, Dad?

Fine, yeah. Fuck off.

-All right, Lip. -Kelly? What are you doin' here?

[Kelly] Looking for a place to stay.

-[indistinct chatter] -[woman] Get off me. No, no.

Hiya, Frank.

D'you wanna earn some cash?

[Debbie unintelligible] ...such a muppet.

Carl, they'll put you in a young offenders'.

-I didn't steal it, I made it. -What for?

Special occasion. Like a proper family.

[Debbie] What's that?

Potato peelings.

It's harder than it looks.

What occasion?

[Monica moaning]

-Hello? -[Monica moans]

[Monica moaning]

-Carl, calm down! -Don't tell me what to fucking do!

-Is it ready yet? -[yells] What have you done?

[yells] I am not answerable to you!

[Shane] It's a very skilled job.

What, selling 99s and nougat wafers?

And the code. You have to know the code, Frank.

-Like what? -Like, if someone asks for a Smartie...

they want a pill. If they ask for an M&M...

they want a pill. If they ask for a Disprin...

They want a pill. Yes, there's a pattern forming.

You're a one-man fucking Enigma machine, Shane. D'you know that?

Make sure you follow route.

I am well acquainted with the ice-cream van concept,

for fuck's sake.

[ice cream van jingle]

Bye-bye, Frank.

[mumbles] Get in...

[passes wind, grunts]

-[knock at door] -Oh, take a message!

Listen... if this is about earlier on,

I don't want to talk about it, Carrie. You need help.

No, it's not.

I wanted to ask a personal favour.

Yeah, sure, anything.

I'm out of clean laundry.

I wondered if I could borrow a pair of boxers?

Yeah, top drawer, over there.

I'll wash 'em and get 'em back to ya.

Nah, don't bother, I'll wash 'em myself.

-You have to do it, though, don't ya? -[Kelly laughing]

Yeah, just dump your bags down there...

-All right, darlin'. -...till, uh, till I get your room sorted.

What's going on?

Lodger. Tenner a night.

Just till she finds somewhere more permanent.

This is you sorting it out, is it?

Bringing a junkie slapper into the house?

Fuck off, you skank, I've been clean two years.

-Oh, whatever! Nice one, Lip-- -Look, Kelly, listen.

-I'm sorry about this. -Fuck!

[Mandy] Out.

How pussy-whipped are you?

[yelling] Don't you think that's a tiny bit hypocritical

considering how your family earns its corn?

[yelling] I'm not having that in my house.

What shall I do, conjure money up for you out of thin air, shall I?

It's not for me!

-It's for us, it's for her! -Whatever, Mandy, whatever!

We need to sort this!

I were hungry.

I mean, she's come in here thinking she owns the place.

If it wasn't for her, everything'd be fine.

-She's your mother, Carl. -Not her, Norma.

She's spoiling it for everyone. I fucking hate her.

-I wish she'd just fuck off. -Oh, Jesus Christ, Carl,

will you stop feeling sorry for yourself!

You're all the same, whining on and on and never doing nothing.

We've all got problems, you know.

[Katie cries]

If Norma bothers you that much, grow a spine and do something about it,

instead of sitting here crying to me.

[Katie crying]

I weren't crying.

[Frank] One-eighty, love.

And I'll have some of them M&Ms, son.

-What, really? -Not supposed to at my age,

-but if you don't tell, I won't. -[scoffs]

Whatever floats your boat.

How many d'you want?

Three? Four?

Give us a ten-bob bag and a bottle of ginger beer.

Wait your turn, you cheeky bastard.

And don't they teach you to say please where you come from?

All right. Please will you stop being such a loser

and give us a ten-bob bag and a bottle of ginger beer?

-You get nothing, you little ASBO twat. -Grab it.

-[grunts, indistinct] -No!

-Oi! -[lad] Silly old sod!

-Are you sure them are M&Ms? -What? Yeah, M&Ms,

Tic Tacs, Smarties, whatever.

Well, go on, bugger off, you coffin dodger.

[mumbles] ...kin' 'ell.

[Karen] Three-ninety.

A little something from me to you.

For our shared future together.

Keep the change.

["Piece of My Heart" by Beverly Knight playing]

You'd hardly know there was any of you in her.

What's yours is mine. What's mine's me own.

[laughter]

[laughing]

-[Karen] Need a word. Now! -Yeah, in a minute.

[pop song playing in background]

Karen?

-Hey, give us a minute, will ya? -I'll give you two if you're good.

[Karen] Fuck off.

-What's going on? -[Karen] That.

She's just trying to get a rise out of ya.

Yeah? Well, she's succeeded.

This is a threat. D'you know what it says?

It says she's claiming the baby we've never even had.

The baby that we've not even talked about for ourself.

It says wherever we go, whatever we do, the nasty bitch will be there.

'Cause she won't let anything come between her and her precious son.

Hey, hey, hey, that "nasty bitch" is still my mother.

What? What?

You can keep your fucking ring up your fucking arse,

cos it's gonna be a cold day in Moss Side before I go anywhere near a Maguire!

[sighs]

Karen.

[sobbing]

I just got my ring back.

Happy?

-Well, what have I done? -I don't button up the back, Mum.

If I have to choose between you and her, there's no competition.

-That's out of line. -No, you're out of line!

And I've fucking had it with ya!

That boy needs to learn which side his bread's buttered.

Who does that slag think she is, knocking back my son?

["What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong]

♪ I see trees of green Red roses, too ♪

-Here y'are. -[woman 1] Thanks a lot, love.

[Frank] Make your day go with a swing. [chuckles]

-[song continues] ♪ For me and you ♪ -[Frank] Here are, mate.

[song continues] ♪ And I think to myself ♪

[Frank laughing] Here, go on. [unintelligible] ...with ya!

[lad 1] Thanks, mister!

-[Frank] Eh-up... [unintelligible] -[man 1] Cheers, Frank.

-[Frank shouts] Let's party! -[cheering]

-[Frank laughing] -[song continues] ♪ I think to myself ♪

♪ What a wonderful world ♪

[song fades out]

All right, Carl, love?

[Monica clears throat]

I was hoping to have a word.

You know, about what you saw before?

It wasn't what you might think.

You see, I've got these women's problems, and, um...

I'd just painted my nails, so I asked Norma to help me,

but she's quite short-sighted, so she had to get very close.

She'd just painted her nails as well, so she was helping me out...

with her teeth, and, um, you know... [sighs]

Do I look like I were born yesterday?

All right, all right kiddies, plenty for everybody.

[customer] I want one of them. I want a flake on mine.

-[customer 1] I want bits on mine. -[father] Oi! Get out the van!

Get out of the fucking van!

Get out of the fucking van!

All right, all right!

Keep your hair on, Freddie fucking Flintoff.

You could at least have the decency to show some remorse.

Hey, don't get me started on remorse, mate.

I am full of fucking remorse.

-Smart arse. -Dad, that weren't him.

It was that van, but it were a different bloke.

Problem solved. Case of mistaken identity, Holmes.

-Happens all the time. -Shut the fuck up!

-Give us the keys. -Ah, keys.

Opens the door to a world of possibilities.

-[ice cream van jingle] -[brakes screeching]

[imitates shooting sound]

[indistinct chatter]

-[quietly] Fancy a brand new PSP, lads? -Let's have a look.

-How much? -[Lip] Just give us 80 quid.

All right, Frank? I thought you'd be still in casualty.

What? Oh, shit.

-Look, I... I can explain, Shane. -[Shane] Where's your injuries?

I thought they'd kick the living shit out of ya.

-What? -[Shane] They were gonna batter me,

how come they didn't batter you?

You what?

Oh, I get it. Send out the human fucking punch bag?

Where's the van?

Gone.

The wafers, the pop, the gobstoppers, it's gone, all of it.

How could you lose the van!

-[glass shattering] -[bar patrons gasping]

Me mam's gonna fucking kill me.

They were very unreasonable people.

I am gonna die because of you, you dickhead!

No, no, it's, I mean, you know, she might be a little upset,

but she's not gonna wanna lose two in the same year, is she?

I'm not gonna fucking die. You are.

Is that the police station?

If you don't get that fucking van back, you fucking knobhead!

-That's enough, Shane! -[Shane grunts]

[growls]

Well, you could at least buy a traumatised man a fucking drink.

I'm skint. I was hoping to tap you.

What? Have we met?

No one move.

Fuck me, it's RoboCunt.

You moderate your language.

We've had a call about a disturbance. Everyone just take it easy.

Get on the ground, all of you.

Oh, fuck off, I've had enough for one day.

Do not leave the scene.

He was the one that got robbed!

-Stay where you are. -What's he supposed to have done?

-Is that stolen property? -[Lip] No, it's mine!

-[taser buzzes] -[all gasp]

Fucking hell! What are you doing?

-Carrie, that's enough. -Fuck sake, that's it.

You're out of chances. I'm making this official.

He was resisting arrest.

Yeah, that's cos he didn't do anything...

Carrie!

This is still stolen property.

Everybody makes mistakes.

[laughter, sniggering]

What are you doing?

Fall in a canal, come out with a fucking salmon, you would.

[Mission Impossible theme music]

[woman 2] Oi! Turn bloody light on!

-Josh, where's them candles? -[man 2] Everything's gone off?

You little bastard.

Sleep well?

[tyres screeching]

[Paddy] Get in the car, Karen.

-[Karen] No, I'm fine thanks. -[Paddy] Get... in the car.

[tense music]

[Paddy] Go.

[singing off key] And I can't take my eyes off you

-[knock at door] -Occupied.

[Carrie] Sorry, couldn't wait.

It's... it's okay. [chuckles]

[sound of urine trickling]

You all right?

[stammers] It was a mistake. Stan'll come around.

No, he won't. He's gonna make an official report.

You'll be cited as a witness.

I need you to be on my side.

[sighs] I don't want to get caught in the middle of something.

[Carrie] Got any soap in there?

We should be on each other's side, Tom.

I'll let you finish off.

[smirks]

It were an accident.

Customs check the wagons coming in the country, you know.

They don't check 'em going out.

I can head off right now and drop you in Baghdad.

No one would be any the wiser.

How long d'you think you would last?

-[call to prayer] -[man 3 screaming]

You'd better start talking.

Or I get so pissed off, I get my driving boots on.

Egg mayonnaise?

Respect other people's property, Carl.

[sighs] Idiot.

[Lip] Yes, siree.

Still there?

[chuckles] It's the gift that keeps giving, baby.

D'you want another go?

Your cock may be the only thing on your mind,

but hard as it is to believe, Lip, it's not the only thing on mine.

We're still out of nappies. She's got a rash.

Your hard-on going to fix that?

It's a misunderstanding.

We want you and Jamie to be happy together.

Call the wedding back on. It's what everybody wants.

See, we're not like most families. Most families can't communicate.

She's maybe a bit over-enthusiastic at times,

but... well, it seems a bit harsh to report her.

You could illuminate Blackpool pleasure beach

with the amount of electricity she pumped into that Gallagher lad.

I can't sign this.

I-I think she's got a crush on me.

-What? -We had...

a moment, in the bathroom earlier.

There is something between us.

So, how come she came into my room flashing her muff,

looking to borrow my underwear?

She's making wankers out the pair of us.

[TV playing in background]

What's happened between you and Carl?

Shouldn't you be at school or something?

What did he see?

[tuts] Look, I don't want to discuss this with you, Debbie.

It's all about you, isn't it?

-[Debbie] What about him? He's your son. -Oh, change the record!

I am not an indentured servant.

No, you're not. But you are a spoilt bitch.

You want all the good stuff and none of the bad.

Well, there's a lot of bad,

regardless of how my stupid brother wishes there wasn't.

[emotive music]

-Afternoon. -[sighs]

What d'you want?

Could we have our van back, please?

No.

Hit him. Fucking smack him one.

Which one of us is he talking to?

[huffs] I don't think it really matters.

Dad, that's the bloke.

-[dramatic music] -[father] Hey!

You couldn't shut up for two fucking minutes, could ya?

-I nearly had it. -You were going to run, you liar.

[father] Oi!

-[grunts] Come 'ere! I'll kill you... -[Frank mumbling]

We're not so different, me and you, you know?

Yeah, people often mistake me for a mental black dyke.

All right, all right. I mean...

with regards to your mam.

How?

Well, we both want her to love us.

Yeah, well, you was loving her plenty last time I saw.

I am not talking about sex.

I'm talking about love.

The difference is... you've got it.

Why don't you fuck off, then? Stop living in the back yard.

I've got no choice.

D'you know how humiliating it is for me

living outside your back door in a camper van?

That's love, mate.

[emotive music]

-[applause, laughter] -[Lip] Yeah, yeah, take the piss.

[laughter]

Happy days, Lip.

If that's you with a hard-on, you're gonna be a very lonely man.

-It's taped up. -Mandy must be well happy.

You'd think so.

The only thing she can think about is money.

How am I supposed to get a job with that?

Dry your eyes. I kipped in a fucking bus shelter last night.

So, how many times have you shot your load?

[chuckles] None of your business, you cheeky bastard.

No... I've got an idea.

Saw an advert in the paper. Come 'ere and I'll show ya.

Jez? You haven't seen Karen, have ya?

[grunts] Never showed up for her shift. And this is her final warning.

Against my better judgment I might have a solution to your problem.

Service!

[Mimi] Nothing was handed to us on a plate.

We struggle for what we've got. That's why we're so close.

Family's important.

Twenty-five years married, not many can say that these days.

[Mimi] We don't sell gear outside schools.

We have a quiet word if anyone's getting too far behind with their payments.

I buy the Big Issue off that junkie fucker that dosses outside the arcade.

We don't understand your objection. We're good people.

Really? What, that's how you see yourself?

Tell Jamie the wedding's back on.

-You're having a laugh? -Why all the hostility?

Because you kidnapped me and tied me to a chair, you fucking luna--

-Fancy a pint? -[Karen whimpers]

Yeah.

[Carl] Why does it have to be mum, though?

[Norma] Hey, you don't choose who you fall in love with.

It just happens. For me... Monica is...

Oh, man, she's the one.

What's so special about her?

Man, she's so fragile.

You know, like a, a little...

Oh, I just want to protect her. Save her.

The daft thing is she saved me.

How?

[Norma] Well, I met her after I got out of prison.

Prison? Why, what did you do?

None of your business.

My self-destruct button was well and truly pressed.

Heading for an early grave, me.

Monica, she gave me a reason to be a better woman,

so I could... look after her.

-So... is that how you become a dyke then? -[groans]

Sorry. I mean a lezza. In prison?

What, you think women's prisons are all like some B movies?

You know, spend all our days

soaping up each other's tits in the shower.

Well, yeah, that's pretty much what it's like, like.

No smoking in the house, no eating in the bedroom,

no use of television during selected times.

I like me programmes.

Showers between 8 and 8:30 a.m. only.

How the fuck did the Nuremberg trials miss you?

Forty pound a week, in advance.

Fifty pound if you're claiming housing.

[Kelly] All right.

What's the idea, anyway?

Ice cream in a fucking van.

I mean, everyone's had fucking freezers since the 19--

Can I have a pint?

You should be ashamed of yourself,

taking advantage of an old widow like that.

[Paddy] Where's my fucking van?

[tyres screeching]

Um... they took it.

And they won't give it back to us.

What d'you mean, "us"?

[tuts] Frank offered to help.

-I mean, it was him that lost it. -So much for fucking solidarity.

[Paddy] We told you to fix it,

not find some other arsehole to do it for ya.

-No offence, Frank. -None taken.

-We'll sort this out right now. -Ow, fuck!

I think I'll leave you to it. This is family business.

That's a very unlikely outcome, don't you think, Frank?

[Jamie] Hey, you haven't seen Karen, have ya?

-[Paddy] No, son. -She never showed up for work today

and she is not answering her mobile.

-She'll come round. -Come round to what?

[mobile ringing]

[gasps, screams, moans]

-[crying] -[mobile continues ringing]

You want retribution for what my half-wit son did to your lad?

-What d'you mean? -How much retribution?

Is this enough?

[Shane grunts]

Is that broke? Yeah, just above the wrist, yeah.

Suppose a break deserves more.

[Shane grunts]

[Shane grunts]

Fuck!

Is that enough?

Hey, give him a couple from me. The little bastard set me up.

-[Paddy grunts] -[Frank] Fuck!

More?

-Uh... no, that's enough. -Are you sure?

-Yeah. -Good.

Keys.

Ta.

[mumbles] Fucking hell.

Dad?

Mum, are you in?

Fucking hell!

[sighs]

-[mobile phone ringing] -[muffled sobbing]

Jesus Christ!

What have they done to ya?

[crying]

[tyres screeching]

Here are, get these down ya. And let bygones and all that shite.

You know, if it's all the same, I think I'll leave you to it.

You know, family bonding and all that.

[Paddy, Mimi chuckle]

Let's get something straight.

If she doesn't wanna be with me, then that's totally up to her.

But it's her decision and you'll respect that.

We were only trying to get to know her.

You were bullying your way to get what you want!

[Paddy] That's enough.

I want you to know, if it doesn't stop, I'm gone.

You're choosing her over the family?

I won't bother you again.

-[laughter] -Jamie?

-What's going on? -Don't ask.

-[Lip, Ian laughing] -I can't believe it. She's gonna kill me!

[Lip, Ian laughing]

And what's so important I had to come down here?

-[Lip, Ian giggling] -I haven't got time for this.

-Stop! -[both continue giggling]

This.

How did ya--

-Did you go with somebody? -No!

-Lip! -[Lip, Ian giggling]

-Sperm bank. -[both continue laughing]

It were his idea.

We went to four. 50 quid a shot, three more tomorrow.

-Fifty quid? -[continue laughing]

[Mandy chuckles]

[Lip] You owe me 250 after this morning.

[Mandy chuckles] I'll work it off.

[Lip, Mandy, Ian laughing]

[emotive music]

-Go on. -Thanks.

Mum?

-[bed creaking] -[moaning]

Oh! Oh, God! Stop! What d'you want?

It's a birthday cake.

[Monica, Frank moaning, gasping]

Happy birthday!

[both moaning]

[laughter]

Oh, shit!

It's all right, keep your hair on. It's just a spot check.

[giggling]

[Stan] Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Stop letting your personal life interfere with your work.

I'm not.

What's so funny?

[Ian, Lip chuckle]

You're a Maguire, aren't you?

You should be thankful we're not making a formal complaint.

No need to over-react.

He could be damaged for life.

-Still there? -He's bluffing.

For God's sake, woman. Have you no shame?

Feel free to let go of my boyfriend's cock any time.

And we'll have his PlayStation back.

Soon as you're ready.

It's in the glove compartment. I'll get it.

You can leave now.

Till next time.

[Lip sighs]

[lip, Ian laughing]

[mellow music playing in background]

Karen, don't.

This is gonna be hard enough as it is.

What is?

You and me not...

getting married.

Being together.

After what you've just done, d'you think I can just walk away?

[sighs happily]

Looks like the wedding's back on.

We did it, sweetheart.

-[man 4 mutters] -I'm fucking made up.

She's got no shame.

I had no idea, Lillian.

If you want her out, just say the word.

Why would I want her out?

Every time she has a gentleman caller round,

I get an extra fiver.

You keep getting the wrong end of the stick, Tom.

You had a pretty firm hold of it from where I was standing.

Don't be like that.

I need your help.

I'm sorry, I-I'm far too busy.

Please?

This doesn't change anything. I'll still gonna have to report you.

But it, it's, it's good we can separate the personal from the professional.

I had an inkling, you know, when we first met.

I thought I saw you looking at me arse.

I've got quite a good arse for-- Good grief!

[sexy music]

What's going on?

-Are you two-- -No, no, no!

[stammers] It was a moment of weakness.

How can you report someone you're sleeping with, unless-- [gasps]

-Unless you're blackmailing her! -What?

Are you forcing her to sleep with you, so you won't report her?

-No, no, no! I never...Carrie, tell him. -[Carrie whimpers]

Look... Forget about the report. Okay?

We'll just start with a clean slate. I dunno what I was thinking.

[giggles]

[laughter]

You've outdone yourself, Carl. This is dead tasty.

It weren't really me. It was Lillian and Carol.

-[Debbie] Cheers, Carol. -[indistinct] Cheers!

[Lip, Ian] Happy days.

Here we go.

[Frank] An occasion like this demands a toast.

-In difficult times like these-- -What difficult times?

Well, you know...

-[Katie] Da-da. -No, I've started, so I'll finish.

Our boys are abroad fighting for democracy.

But you said they were all oil thieving bastards.

[laughter]

Yes, they are! But they're thieving the oil for us.

I mean, what are they gonna use it for? Fucking floodlit camel racing?

It's imperialism all over again.

[Frank] Well, what's wrong with that?

The British Empire civilised half of the entire world.

It was a very beneficial arrangement.

[chuckles] Yeah, for us, maybe.

No, no! You know, for everybody! The brotherhood of man.

[Carol singing] Kisses for me

-Oh, those were the days. -No, that were Mary Hopkins.

[singing] Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end

I love Time Warp, man.

[Carl] I'm not saying the bloke that wrote the poem was wrong.

Shelley and Lord Byron and them are supposed to be pretty smart,

so maybe it's possible for your parents to fuck you up.

But in a good way.

[upbeat music]

[Carl] Maybe we're not normal. So, what?

"Normal" is the opposite to "special".

There's no doubting the Gallagher's are a special family.

[upbeat music continues]

[Carl] Or is that "special needs"?

[Norma] I want Monica back.

You'll piss off and I'll get her. I'll give you a grand.

I know you're gay.

[Lip] It's disgusting.

Bomb's gone off or something. Somewhere near yours.

You've had Semtex in this house.

You promised never again, Padday.

There's another one gone off outside the bus station.

[indistinct yelling]

[male officer] Which organisation do you work for?

You'll get another sentence out of me until my lawyer gets here!

Norma Starkey is pressing charges for attempted rape.

No, means no, Frank.