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[intro music]
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00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:08,900
[Frank] Now, nobody's saying
the Chatsworth Estate
3
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:11,740
is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us,
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00:00:11,820 --> 00:00:15,701
to me, Frank Gallagher,
and me kids, who I'm proud of,
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00:00:15,781 --> 00:00:20,140
cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
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See, they can all think for themselves,
which they've got me to thank for.
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[Lip] Quick, leg it!
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00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,780
[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,
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which is why
nobody calls him Phillip anymore.
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Ian, lot like his mam,
which is handy for the others,
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00:00:33,981 --> 00:00:35,781
cos she's disappeared into thin air.
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And Carl. We daren't let him grow
his hair for two reasons.
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One, it makes it stand on end
and makes him look like Toyah.
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Two, nits love him.
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Debbie, sent by God, total angel.
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You've to check your change,
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00:00:49,741 --> 00:00:52,141
but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour.
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00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:56,981
Plus, lickle Liam,
who's gonna be a star someday.
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Wicked!
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[Frank] Sheila, me bird.
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Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
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Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
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Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream.
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Still, nobody's perfect.
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But all of 'em to a man
know first and foremost
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one of the most vital necessities
in life is
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they know how to throw a party!
[chuckles]
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Scatter!
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[upbeat music]
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[Frank] Some days,
you know you're on to a loser
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before you've even had your first fart.
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Others, the gods are smiling
and there's nothing you can't sort out.
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00:01:32,101 --> 00:01:36,060
I mean, yeah, you know, there's the Es
in the cornflakes might help a bit,
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00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:37,981
but why shouldn't people
rub along together?
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You know what I mean?
Doesn't have to be a drama, does it?
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Oh! Sorry, just finishing off.
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[Frank] I mean, look at Diana,
Charles and Camilla.
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It worked out okay for them, didn't it?
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[car tyres screeching]
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-Come here, you.
-[Sheila chuckles]
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-Come here. Give us a kiss.
-[Sheila squeals]
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[Sheila whimpers, sighs]
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-Oh! All right, Frank? You miss me?
-[Frank mumbling]
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Couldn't find the child benefit book.
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Shall we, uh,
well, shall we go to the pub?
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-Yeah? All right.
-Okay.
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[Frank murmurs] Come on, come on.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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[sighs]
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Oh!
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They're all so grown up now.
Hardly recognised 'em.
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Yeah, well, it's been hard for me.
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Responsibility for all of 'em on me own.
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It's kind of weighed heavily.
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Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank.
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To lighten your load.
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[tense music]
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-Monica!
-[western music]
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Sheila.
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[suspenseful music]
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[Sheila, Monica and Frank scream]
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[coughs]
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You all right, Sheila?
You remember Monica, don't ya?
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She's come... [stammers] you know,
she's come to see the kids.
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Yes.
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You told me, Frank.
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Brought your cigarettes.
Would you like a drink, Monica?
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Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks.
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-[Sheila clears throat]
-Oh, yeah, right, yeah. Course I did.
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Cos you asked me that... about the..
when she... Yeah, and I said...
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-Yeah, of course, yeah.
-[Sheila] Right.
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That'll be two vodka tonics, please, Jez.
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[Monica] Hmm, fancy that. Same poison.
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[Frank] And, uh...
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just have a couple of Es, Jez.
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[door locked opens]
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Do any of yous lot know how this works?
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-That's disgusting.
-What is it?
80
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It's a balloon pump.
81
00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:25,180
Eh, sorry, have we not met?
I'm your neighbour.
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I want some help blowing these up.
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It isn't a fucking request.
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[Debbie] Here.
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You wouldn't be our neighbour, would you,
if you hadn't stolen my daughter's house.
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Like you give a shit.
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Nearly pulled a muscle trynna scavenge
her gear for your own back.
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I'm keeping it for her.
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Oh, yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba.
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Hadn't you two
better get a rocket up your arse.
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Gotta be there for one.
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-[Lip] Didn't know I was coming.
-[Mimi] Family, aren't ya?
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Even if you do think
you're better than us.
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Our Jamie'll soon sort you out.
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[gestures] "Fuck off."
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[Ian] Spliff?
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00:05:12,141 --> 00:05:14,541
Oi, fuck off, you little wankers!
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[both laugh]
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[Karen moaning]
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What are you looking at, you perv?
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[delivery guy grunts]
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[delivery guy pants]
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[exhales heavily]
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Sign there, love.
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Ta. See you in a couple of days.
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[Karen] Yeah.
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[sexy music]
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[grunts] But I need to go!
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[Debbie] It's not my problem, Norma.
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You can't do this! There's such a thing
as human rights, you know?
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I'm entitled to a toilet.
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Where's Mon? She'll let us.
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-[Ian] Gone out.
-[Norma sighs]
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Which is exactly what
you should be doing, Norma. Going home.
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Unless you want to pay us rent
for sleeping in the Dormobile.
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00:06:13,461 --> 00:06:16,541
Where's she gone?
She's never up before 11.
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[tuts, gasps]
Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss myself.
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[tuts] Oh...
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[Mimi] Look at you.
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Makes a mother so proud.
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You look like a stiff in a body bag.
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Straighten your face or our Jamie
will put you in a fucking body bag!
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-[Paddy] Uh, uh, uh...
-Pack it in, you two.
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Micky, reminds me of your first communion.
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Right, when he comes out,
don't overcrowd him, okay?
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What did you make us all
fucking come for, then?
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Oi! Watch your mouth, fucking gobshite!
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So he knows we appreciate him.
And what he's done for us.
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-And how much we love him.
-[Shane] Where is he, then?
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Haven't fed my snake yet.
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-Jesus Chr--!
-Can't we just... ask somebody?
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So, you just left her, then.
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Look, I won't say I was wrong
to leave my kids, but, um...
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I had my reasons.
135
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:15,260
But I'm back now.
136
00:07:15,341 --> 00:07:17,461
And Norma isn't part of that.
End of story.
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How's she taking it?
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You have to learn to accept change,
don't you? Whenever it comes.
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Right...
It's your round then, Monica, ain't it?
140
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Oh! What am I like? Same again?
141
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:47,021
It's bound to happen, innit? [chuckles]
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Norma's not exactly...
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Is she?
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Can't... say I blame her.
145
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It's good.
146
00:08:02,861 --> 00:08:06,461
You know, for the kids, though.
You know... they've got their mother back.
147
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So, when... did I tell ya?
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You tell me, Frank.
149
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What?
150
00:08:20,141 --> 00:08:23,461
You must have told me some time,
mustn't you, cos why would you have not?
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00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:24,380
Oh, yeah, right.
152
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,341
Well, yeah.
153
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I was just saying to Frank,
it'll be so lovely to have you back.
154
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,580
-Another pair of hands around.
-Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila!
155
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-Is it QVC?
-[Frank] Yeah, well...
156
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Should probably go, Sheila, you know,
got stuff to do, food shopping...
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No thanks, Frank.
I'd rather stay here for another drink.
158
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-Wouldn't you, Monica?
-Oh, yes, I'm very happy.
159
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:47,781
Right.
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[Monica] Must say,
you have cleaned up his act
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if he's willing to leave the pub
before closing time. [chuckles]
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Different man, aren't you, Frank?
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Mmm.
164
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[sipping] Mmm.
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00:09:01,301 --> 00:09:03,021
Oh, another one down.
166
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,061
I do admire your restraint, Sheila.
167
00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:08,621
Right.
168
00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:13,980
-You let him out, you bastards!
-You tell 'em, Ma.
169
00:09:14,061 --> 00:09:16,501
You let my Jamie out
or I'll have the lot of yous!
170
00:09:16,581 --> 00:09:18,821
They let him out two hours ago.
171
00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:21,621
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
-This is your fault, Shane.
172
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,781
Ya... fucking wanker!
173
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:40,220
[in tears] All I'm saying is...
174
00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:45,261
home-made mayonnaise
can make up egg or prawns.
175
00:09:47,181 --> 00:09:52,100
All it takes is eight minutes of patience,
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00:09:52,181 --> 00:09:55,021
but no one tries any more.
177
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-They just don't...
-[glass shatters]
178
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-[Ian] Mum.
-[Frank] Maybe we should--
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Ooh! Good timing. Another round ready.
180
00:10:01,061 --> 00:10:01,941
[Sheila whimpers]
181
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,261
[Ian] Four eighty.
182
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,860
Knocking 'em back, aren't ya?
183
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,381
Just getting to know Sheila.
184
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,501
Keep the change.
185
00:10:12,581 --> 00:10:15,860
[Sheila] ...anyone except me.
And it's wrong!
186
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:18,581
It's so wrong! [sobbing]
187
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,821
It's wrong!
188
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,021
I can't...
189
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,021
I can't! Jesus!
190
00:10:25,821 --> 00:10:30,021
A glass of Gordon's.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
191
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:34,541
Right. Then.
192
00:10:34,621 --> 00:10:35,860
Just... slash.
193
00:10:35,941 --> 00:10:40,340
[Sheila muttering indistinctly]
...pastries.
194
00:10:40,421 --> 00:10:43,141
...tried getting a job, yet?
195
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,581
Oh, look who it isn't!
196
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,181
Get a good look, did you, earlier?
197
00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:51,220
Pervert!
198
00:10:51,301 --> 00:10:53,740
-I know who he is, Karen. He's...
-He's who?
199
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,181
Jamie, I told you it was him!
200
00:10:56,261 --> 00:10:59,261
We came to get you, why didn't you phone?
201
00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:03,301
[Mimi] You've come back, me angel,
you've come back to us!
202
00:11:03,381 --> 00:11:04,701
Ah!
203
00:11:04,781 --> 00:11:07,821
It's Jamie Maguire. He did ten for murder.
204
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,100
-So? He's still a perv.
-Karen!
205
00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:11,141
Well, he is.
206
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:12,980
[Paddy] Right. Come on, then,
let's get you home.
207
00:11:13,061 --> 00:11:14,740
Party, party, party, eh?
208
00:11:16,581 --> 00:11:17,821
You come too. Come on.
209
00:11:19,021 --> 00:11:19,941
-[Karen grunts]
-[Jez sighs]
210
00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:27,460
[Monica] Oh!
211
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,901
-I remember him.
-[Frank] Monica!
212
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:33,181
Don't be daft, Frank.
I've seen it all before.
213
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,181
-Yeah, but that was--
-Come on, it's just a bit of fun.
214
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,381
She's nice, your wife, but...
215
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,181
I bet you're not as good together
as you and me were.
216
00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:44,661
-Don't start.
-Do you still want me, Frank?
217
00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:47,061
[Monica passionately] Oh, yes, you do!
218
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,781
Come on, come with Monica.
Just for a minute. Just in here.
219
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,901
Yeah, come on, you dirty bastard.
220
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,661
Fuck.
221
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:58,340
You know you want to. [moaning]
222
00:11:58,421 --> 00:12:02,460
What's the matter? Getting something
at home that I can't give you? Ah?
223
00:12:02,541 --> 00:12:04,460
[Billy] Whoa! Sorry.
224
00:12:04,541 --> 00:12:07,261
No, it's the gents, this, love, y'know,
225
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:09,661
that's why it says it on the door.
All right, Billy.
226
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:12,541
Yeah, you know,
it's what little man's all about.
227
00:12:12,621 --> 00:12:14,261
Gents pee standing up, don't they?
228
00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,381
Oh, Officer!
229
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,340
Fucking women, hey, Billy,
can't fucking shoot them!
230
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,421
Oh, dear, what's happened here?
231
00:12:27,501 --> 00:12:32,381
Come on. Come on, Sheila, let's get...
Let's get you home. I've got ya.
232
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,781
It's all right. Don't wretch up here.
233
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:37,620
[grunts] All right, I got ya. Just...
234
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,181
-Yeah. See you later.
-[Sheila whimpers]
235
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,661
See you later.
236
00:12:44,381 --> 00:12:47,141
Hey, what won the three o'clock
at Haydock, Dave, d'you know?
237
00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:49,581
[Dave] Ambleton, mate,
you've lost your money.
238
00:12:49,661 --> 00:12:50,980
[laughter]
239
00:12:52,061 --> 00:12:53,220
[Paddy] Welcome home, son.
240
00:12:53,301 --> 00:12:56,901
-Cheers!
-[all cheering]
241
00:12:57,701 --> 00:12:59,220
It's grand to have you back.
242
00:12:59,301 --> 00:13:01,661
Soon clean up round this place,
show 'em who's boss.
243
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,421
-Jamie Maguire, back on the manor!
-[balloon bursts]
244
00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:06,460
Shane, will you stop doing that,
you little shite!
245
00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:07,781
Your mother went to a lotta trouble.
246
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:10,261
-So, you gonna tell him then or what?
-Tell me what?
247
00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:11,941
We've got you a little job, you know,
248
00:13:12,021 --> 00:13:14,021
-help you get back on your feet.
-Set you up, like.
249
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,541
-But I'm in it as well, aren't I?
-All right, Shane.
250
00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:20,661
-It's a kidnapping. Total no-brainer.
-Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it.
251
00:13:21,781 --> 00:13:22,740
I'm not interested.
252
00:13:24,901 --> 00:13:26,501
[Paddy] Now look what you've done!
253
00:13:34,061 --> 00:13:34,901
Frank?
254
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,421
I want to go on top.
255
00:13:39,661 --> 00:13:42,381
[ominous tone] Oh, Monica, no.
256
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,781
[breathing heavily]
257
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:55,181
[Frank snoring]
258
00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:13,021
[alarm buzzing]
259
00:14:18,781 --> 00:14:21,021
[snoring]
260
00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:24,620
[Norma, Sheila gasp]
261
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:26,181
[quietly] Oh! Hello, Norma.
262
00:14:26,261 --> 00:14:27,941
All right? Hi.
263
00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:33,500
[Monica] It's got lots of vitamin C in it,
264
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,061
which is very good for you.
265
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,581
Bitch! [nervous breathing]
266
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:43,821
[Monica] You don't need to do it for him.
267
00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:46,620
[Carl unintelligible]
268
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,620
[Sheila exhales]
269
00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:57,661
Come on, then.
Come on, be quiet, she might hear.
270
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,021
-[Norma] Cat litter!
-[Yvonne] You what?
271
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,821
As in, litter for cats.
272
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,340
Is everyone around here retarded?
273
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,941
I need the fucking toilet! [grunts]
274
00:15:13,021 --> 00:15:14,581
Norma, hello.
275
00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:16,261
You could use ours.
276
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:18,301
Oh, thank fuck. Somebody normal.
277
00:15:18,381 --> 00:15:20,821
[gasps] Um, but, you're gonna
have to take your shoes off.
278
00:15:20,901 --> 00:15:22,901
Please don't touch the walls,
cos I've cleaned.
279
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,340
-[Norma] Right. Well, hurry, then.
-Let's go.
280
00:15:35,421 --> 00:15:37,100
[Shane] Ah, see... I didn't need you.
281
00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:38,661
What the fuck is that?
282
00:15:39,581 --> 00:15:42,581
A Royal Heffernan.
9-4 favourite, Saturday!
283
00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:45,901
Dead fucking cert.
Owner's got a mint riding on it.
284
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:48,980
They'll soon cough up the ransom
to get him back, though!
285
00:15:49,061 --> 00:15:52,421
And because you didn't pitch in,
now you don't see any of the wedge.
286
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,620
-I've got my own plans.
-Course you have.
287
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:55,941
Chip off the old block, eh?
288
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,061
I'm gonna run him in some other races
while I've got him, aren't I?
289
00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:00,380
Make it even more cash.
290
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,261
No one will even recognise him.
291
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:03,581
Really?
292
00:16:03,661 --> 00:16:04,821
-Yep.
-[horse whinnies]
293
00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,340
Kidnap a jockey as well, then, have you?
294
00:16:07,421 --> 00:16:10,061
[suspenseful music]
295
00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,021
[grunts, panting]
296
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:16,301
It's like she's some
fucking changeling or something.
297
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:17,661
[Norma] One minute it's all,
298
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:20,261
"I'll have your stir-fry on the table
when you get back from Stuttgart,"
299
00:16:20,340 --> 00:16:22,100
and the next, dust.
300
00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,821
She wouldn't even talk to us,
the mad bitch.
301
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:27,301
Oh, but I love her.
302
00:16:28,301 --> 00:16:31,821
So... what do you think happened, then?
303
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:33,220
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
304
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:36,021
Richard and bastard Judy.
305
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,421
I told her not to watch that crap!
306
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:41,421
Some Christian wanker
banging on about family.
307
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,701
We're the victims in this, Sheila.
Me and her.
308
00:16:44,301 --> 00:16:48,380
Fucking patriarchal,
hegemony pissing all over us.
309
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:51,980
So, you don't think
she's back for them, then?
310
00:16:52,061 --> 00:16:56,220
Sheila, she had some, um,
past life regression last solstice.
311
00:16:56,301 --> 00:16:58,301
Came back saying the kids
weren't even hers.
312
00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:01,301
Belong to some fucking witch
in the 14th century.
313
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:04,660
But she stood on a lay line
and sent the kids to the wrong womb.
314
00:17:04,741 --> 00:17:06,140
Course she's not back for them.
315
00:17:06,221 --> 00:17:07,940
But she's still a lesbian though?
316
00:17:08,021 --> 00:17:10,221
Yeah, course she is, you daft bitch.
[farting]
317
00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:14,301
I mean, yeah, we may not have had sex
in the past eight months, like, but...
318
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,221
well, you don't go back and forward,
do ya?
319
00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:18,180
-No sex?
-Hang on a minute, Sheila.
320
00:17:18,261 --> 00:17:21,581
I can't do two things at once here.
[farting]
321
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,501
Ah!
322
00:17:23,741 --> 00:17:26,541
Hey, Sheila? You got any more bog roll?
323
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:27,900
She... Sheila!
324
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,261
[front door bangs]
325
00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:36,821
-[Norma screaming] Fucking privates!
-[Franks screams]
326
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,221
Pervert!
327
00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:42,621
Who is it then? Peters and Lee?
328
00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:46,341
It is Kevin and Veronica.
329
00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:49,861
I was gonna say, I didn't know
they put Peters and Lee in prison.
330
00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:53,821
Mind you. 'Welcome Home'
weren't much of a song, was it?
331
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:55,861
That "Rainy Days and Mondays" were better.
332
00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:58,981
-That weren't Peters and Lee, though.
-Do you mind?
333
00:17:59,061 --> 00:18:01,221
My daughter's been incarcerated.
334
00:18:01,301 --> 00:18:04,141
She's not exactly
Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol.
335
00:18:04,221 --> 00:18:05,101
Thank you.
336
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:06,701
She was trying to steal a baby.
337
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,381
She was paying for it.
338
00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:11,021
What? With the money that she'd stole
from everyone around 'ere?
339
00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:12,940
Can't see you getting many fucking takers.
340
00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:16,101
I'm only doing what any mother would do.
341
00:18:17,141 --> 00:18:20,061
I've got to do something.
342
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:23,261
[weeping] Even if it's just widow's mites.
343
00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:27,261
-I'll have a T-shirt, Carol.
-[Carol crying]
344
00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:29,501
[cries, laughs]
345
00:18:29,581 --> 00:18:30,621
Out of my pension.
346
00:18:34,741 --> 00:18:39,461
I just thought, now that we're friends,
we could go shopping together.
347
00:18:39,541 --> 00:18:42,061
Sorry, Sheil. I'm too busy here.
348
00:18:42,141 --> 00:18:44,981
I could babysit the twins
for you at yours, if you like.
349
00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:47,821
No, it's just I need
to get some new stuff.
350
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,341
And I thought... [sighs]
351
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,861
since we like the same drink,
352
00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:53,940
maybe we have the same taste in clothes.
353
00:18:54,021 --> 00:18:56,821
I mean... you could give me
a second opinion.
354
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,301
[Sheila] We could have
a nice girly day out.
355
00:19:00,381 --> 00:19:02,420
-I could do the washing up, Mum.
-[Sheila] Oh!
356
00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:04,501
[Monica exhales]
357
00:19:07,741 --> 00:19:08,741
[door opens]
358
00:19:10,861 --> 00:19:11,741
[door closes]
359
00:19:12,461 --> 00:19:15,261
See this? Ned Kelly. Proper Irish hero.
360
00:19:17,061 --> 00:19:19,021
Morning, can I help yous officers?
361
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,501
-[stammers] We were just--
-A racehorse has been stolen.
362
00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:24,021
And we wanna know if you've seen anything.
363
00:19:24,101 --> 00:19:25,741
No.
364
00:19:25,821 --> 00:19:26,821
Haven't seen anything.
365
00:19:28,141 --> 00:19:30,581
Jamie! Have you met Jamie, my eldest?
366
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:31,861
Have you seen anything?
367
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,061
Not so's I recall.
368
00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:36,501
Shane, have you seen
a racehorse around these parts?
369
00:19:36,581 --> 00:19:37,541
I ain't seen shit.
370
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,621
Sorry, can't help you.
We haven't seen anything.
371
00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,700
If we do, we'll let you know.
372
00:19:44,781 --> 00:19:45,981
Right. Obliged.
373
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:47,501
And very nice to meet ya!
374
00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:57,021
-What are you doing?
-Different horse. Hasn't got white socks.
375
00:20:00,461 --> 00:20:04,021
[indistinct chatter]
376
00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,900
Yeah, see, I just need to know--
377
00:20:07,981 --> 00:20:09,621
[man] There's a queuing system.
378
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,981
So, get yourself a ticket,
take a seat, yeah?
379
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:23,021
[Carl] You're Jamie Maguire, aren't ya?
380
00:20:24,221 --> 00:20:26,741
-Who did you kill?
-Fuck off, will ya?
381
00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:28,221
[Carl] I've killed a man.
382
00:20:28,301 --> 00:20:30,061
-No, you haven't.
-I have.
383
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,420
I shot him.
384
00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:32,781
And his head fell off.
385
00:20:34,781 --> 00:20:36,180
Well, good for you.
386
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:39,180
So, you come to have
a pop at me, then, have ya?
387
00:20:39,261 --> 00:20:41,221
Come to prove yourself to the hard man.
388
00:20:43,301 --> 00:20:45,381
Well, come on then, if you want some.
389
00:20:46,821 --> 00:20:47,700
Do you want some?
390
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:59,221
[anticipatory music]
391
00:21:02,101 --> 00:21:03,420
All right.
392
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:04,621
Yes, what can I get ya?
393
00:21:05,221 --> 00:21:06,221
Pint of lager...
394
00:21:06,301 --> 00:21:08,900
And, uh, any chance of a job going?
395
00:21:08,981 --> 00:21:11,501
-[Jez] Uh... Job?
-A Job?
396
00:21:11,581 --> 00:21:12,821
-That's right.
-Here?
397
00:21:13,781 --> 00:21:14,861
This is your pub, innit?
398
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,261
Right, right. And, um, how much
will you want paying for that?
399
00:21:19,221 --> 00:21:20,501
Whatever the going rate is.
400
00:21:21,461 --> 00:21:22,301
I dunno.
401
00:21:23,581 --> 00:21:25,021
Well, make me an offer, then.
402
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:33,021
-What do you pay for a protection racket?
-How the fuck should I know?
403
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,261
How about 80?
404
00:21:37,341 --> 00:21:38,381
A week?
405
00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:41,101
A day?
406
00:21:41,180 --> 00:21:42,381
-Eighty a day?
-Mmm...
407
00:21:43,341 --> 00:21:45,700
All right. Is there a room with the job?
408
00:21:45,781 --> 00:21:46,660
A room?
409
00:21:48,261 --> 00:21:49,101
Yeah.
410
00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:57,460
-What you doing? That is my room.
-Yeah, but you're fired.
411
00:21:57,541 --> 00:21:58,501
What?
412
00:21:59,781 --> 00:22:02,981
-All right, I shagged the delivery guy.
-It's not that, it's him.
413
00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:06,381
[ominous music]
414
00:22:07,101 --> 00:22:09,021
-[man] Next!
-[machine beeps]
415
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,101
[mumbles] Oh, Christ.
416
00:22:16,021 --> 00:22:17,341
[Frank] Right, so...
417
00:22:18,221 --> 00:22:21,221
All I need, see, is a divorce.
418
00:22:21,301 --> 00:22:23,700
I was hoping that, you could, you know,
419
00:22:23,781 --> 00:22:28,940
tell me which way you do it,
if, you know, you don't want her to know.
420
00:22:29,021 --> 00:22:30,341
"Her" being?
421
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,301
The wife.
422
00:22:32,381 --> 00:22:33,341
My ex-wife.
423
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:35,581
Y'know, soon to be. [chuckles]
424
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:37,861
Next!
425
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:39,341
[machine beeps]
426
00:22:40,821 --> 00:22:43,341
[Sheila] It's difficult, isn't it,
as you get older?
427
00:22:43,420 --> 00:22:45,981
You don't know what to wear. I mean...
428
00:22:46,061 --> 00:22:47,900
You want to look sexy, but you
429
00:22:47,981 --> 00:22:51,501
don't wanna end up looking like you charge
a fiver for a hand job. [chuckles]
430
00:22:52,741 --> 00:22:56,541
Or is it the same for, I don't know,
you know, lesbians? I mean...
431
00:22:57,341 --> 00:23:00,261
What age do you stop
wearing cargo pants? Or...
432
00:23:00,341 --> 00:23:01,420
Or don't ya?
433
00:23:01,501 --> 00:23:03,261
Dunno. I never have.
434
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:05,940
I prefer something more feminine.
435
00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:08,341
Oh! What, like these?
436
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:09,541
Look.
437
00:23:10,501 --> 00:23:13,141
I mean, you can never have
enough lingerie, can ya?
438
00:23:13,221 --> 00:23:15,940
It's like what they say,
you can never be too rich or too thin.
439
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,341
Except for that Posh Spice.
She is, isn't she?
440
00:23:18,420 --> 00:23:20,581
And she's dipped in wood stain.
441
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:22,141
Looks lovely on you.
442
00:23:23,101 --> 00:23:26,261
Let's try some on! Come on!
[Sheila exclaims excitedly]
443
00:23:27,021 --> 00:23:30,501
[Sheila] So, Monica,
what kind of women do you like?
444
00:23:31,541 --> 00:23:33,381
Oh! No!
445
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,581
Let's sit out here, shall we?
The small ones are a bit claustrophobic.
446
00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,381
I thought you were agoraphobic.
447
00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:42,180
Well, agoraphobic, claustrophobic.
448
00:23:42,261 --> 00:23:43,821
Anything you like, really.
449
00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:46,460
Illness poker, me.
Raise me one, if you like.
450
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:49,781
Oh, God!
451
00:23:53,021 --> 00:23:54,821
What are you doing, Sheila?
452
00:23:55,621 --> 00:23:59,741
D'you want me to help you, Monica?
I know you want me to help you. don't you?
453
00:23:59,821 --> 00:24:02,541
I've got very big breasts!
[exclaiming excitedly]
454
00:24:02,621 --> 00:24:04,981
It's every woman's fantasy. Lesbianism!
455
00:24:05,061 --> 00:24:06,581
-Get off!
-[Sheila] I know it's mine.
456
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,261
-Get off me!
-We're all bisexual, aren't we?
457
00:24:08,341 --> 00:24:10,061
Are you bisexual, Monica?
458
00:24:10,141 --> 00:24:12,341
Or are you just gay? [screams]
459
00:24:13,861 --> 00:24:15,700
[Sheila gasps] Sorry...
460
00:24:15,781 --> 00:24:19,700
It's not my sexuality that's in question.
Did Frank put you up to this?
461
00:24:19,781 --> 00:24:23,420
I just want to know if you want him!
If that's why you've come back!
462
00:24:23,501 --> 00:24:28,861
-[Monica] Get it off! Get off! [screams]
-[Sheila] Monica! [screams]
463
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:33,660
-Good God! They're on drugs.
-[women gasp]
464
00:24:33,741 --> 00:24:35,541
[Monica, Sheila screaming]
465
00:24:35,621 --> 00:24:38,581
-[alarm beeping]
-[Monica] Get off!
466
00:24:38,660 --> 00:24:39,940
[security guard]
All right. That's enough!
467
00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,900
[Monica, Sheila screaming]
468
00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:49,420
[kids screaming, playing indistinctly]
469
00:24:50,261 --> 00:24:54,221
If you want the horse back alive
get 20,000 ready in used notes.
470
00:24:54,301 --> 00:24:55,460
[horse owner] Who is this?
471
00:24:55,541 --> 00:24:57,581
Fuckin' knifeman, that's who!
472
00:24:57,660 --> 00:24:59,381
-[electric knife buzzes]
-[Shane] Can you hear that?
473
00:24:59,460 --> 00:25:01,660
-[horse owner] Okay, calm down.
-[Shane] And if you call the pigs again,
474
00:25:01,741 --> 00:25:03,741
you'll have Royal Heffernan's head
on yer pillow,
475
00:25:03,821 --> 00:25:05,180
first thing in the fucking...
476
00:25:06,621 --> 00:25:08,021
For fuck's sake, Jamie!
477
00:25:08,101 --> 00:25:10,341
-[horse owner] Jamie? Jamie who?
-You stupid fuckin' prick, Shane!
478
00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:13,341
-What did you say his name for?
-[Mimi] Don't upset your brother, Shane.
479
00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:15,101
You know how gets when he's angry.
480
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,460
Well, why don't you fucking
make him do summat, then,
481
00:25:17,541 --> 00:25:19,581
-instead of hanging around pub?
-Don't bother!
482
00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:20,861
I'm moving out!
483
00:25:24,141 --> 00:25:27,101
So, that's what you were after
all along, was it?
484
00:25:27,180 --> 00:25:28,460
When you asked me out?
485
00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:30,581
Make a pass at me?
486
00:25:31,301 --> 00:25:32,741
I just... [sighs]
487
00:25:33,940 --> 00:25:36,581
I just wanted to know
if you were still a lesbian.
488
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:38,460
-[Monica sighs]
-[Sheila] I'm sorry.
489
00:25:38,541 --> 00:25:41,220
It's just I know what a hold
you used have over Frank and...
490
00:25:42,940 --> 00:25:44,220
I got scared.
491
00:25:45,861 --> 00:25:47,261
Can see why he's with you.
492
00:25:49,141 --> 00:25:50,220
Lovely figure.
493
00:25:51,501 --> 00:25:52,660
Good cook.
494
00:25:53,381 --> 00:25:54,821
City and Guilds.
495
00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:55,900
Grade 1.
496
00:25:56,501 --> 00:25:59,381
Don't think I'd even know
how to be with a man any more.
497
00:25:59,460 --> 00:26:00,781
Wouldn't know what to do!
498
00:26:02,301 --> 00:26:04,940
It's like riding a bike. You never forget.
499
00:26:05,021 --> 00:26:07,741
I don't think I was very good
in the first place.
500
00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,981
Frank and me, well...
501
00:26:10,061 --> 00:26:13,261
It's easy, just give 'em a blow-job.
They do anything for one of those.
502
00:26:13,341 --> 00:26:14,420
Really?
503
00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:18,301
The trick is to hum while you're doing it.
504
00:26:18,381 --> 00:26:20,021
Makes it vibrate more.
505
00:26:21,381 --> 00:26:23,501
Tell you the truth,
I found that out by accident
506
00:26:23,581 --> 00:26:26,180
when I was humming
the theme tune to Ready Steady Cook.
507
00:26:26,261 --> 00:26:27,581
Frank went off like a rocket.
508
00:26:29,541 --> 00:26:32,741
"1812 Overture" is the best, though.
Tchaikovsky.
509
00:26:32,821 --> 00:26:33,861
It's all those cannons.
510
00:26:35,781 --> 00:26:37,821
Frank'd do anything for those cannons.
511
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,501
So, you never said, are you...
512
00:26:47,420 --> 00:26:48,900
Are you still a lesbian, then?
513
00:26:53,101 --> 00:26:54,981
I've only ever wanted one woman.
514
00:26:56,900 --> 00:26:57,741
That's Norma.
515
00:27:00,061 --> 00:27:00,900
Oh!
516
00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,541
What's the point of you crackpot,
f'kin Mormon God-freaks then?
517
00:27:13,621 --> 00:27:16,220
Polygamy was the one
fucking good idea you had.
518
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:17,861
Bunch of Ken dolls.
519
00:27:21,381 --> 00:27:24,180
Hey, and I'm gonna burn me
Donny Osmond albums an' all!
520
00:27:29,261 --> 00:27:30,341
[Stan] Right, so...
521
00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:31,420
Huh?
522
00:27:33,301 --> 00:27:34,981
What the hell are they doing in here?
523
00:27:40,261 --> 00:27:42,301
[Carol] Oh, me feet!
524
00:27:43,821 --> 00:27:47,261
I've been around the estate twice
for old coppers.
525
00:27:47,341 --> 00:27:48,660
And me.
526
00:27:48,741 --> 00:27:50,021
Think you've got problems?
527
00:27:50,821 --> 00:27:53,220
[Carol] Oh, do us a favour Lillian.
Get me a drink in.
528
00:27:53,301 --> 00:27:55,021
[Lillian] Oh, what she like?
529
00:27:55,940 --> 00:28:00,061
["Bad Day" by Daniel Powter playing]
♪ I don't need no carrying on... ♪
530
00:28:01,101 --> 00:28:04,021
[Paddy] I don't understand.
What the fuck's he playing at?
531
00:28:04,101 --> 00:28:07,101
He's got his reasons.
He'll tell us when he's ready.
532
00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:10,781
♪ You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie ♪
533
00:28:10,861 --> 00:28:13,660
All right, you lot,
that's your time, please!
534
00:28:13,741 --> 00:28:15,420
[punter] What's going on here now?
535
00:28:16,261 --> 00:28:18,420
Where's the fuck you been?
Not till twelve!
536
00:28:20,301 --> 00:28:23,660
I mean, it's just that
we can open later now, than, than before.
537
00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:26,741
It's all right, everybody.
It's just a mistake.
538
00:28:26,821 --> 00:28:28,180
We're open till 12!
539
00:28:28,261 --> 00:28:30,141
Oi! Sit back down!
540
00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:47,261
So, have you got
everything you need, have you?
541
00:28:47,341 --> 00:28:49,581
Uh, yeah. Good night.
542
00:28:50,220 --> 00:28:51,180
Good night.
543
00:28:51,900 --> 00:28:53,660
Why don't you get him
dancing girls an' all?
544
00:28:53,741 --> 00:28:56,460
Karen, he's mutilated people.
What do you want me to do?
545
00:28:56,541 --> 00:28:57,420
Grow a spine?
546
00:28:57,501 --> 00:29:00,821
Hey, I'm not having that.
All right, it's your choice.
547
00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:03,420
You can share with me,
or you can share with him.
548
00:29:21,301 --> 00:29:23,900
[door creaking]
549
00:29:28,460 --> 00:29:31,301
[ominous anticipatory music]
550
00:29:32,141 --> 00:29:33,021
Jamie?
551
00:29:37,660 --> 00:29:38,700
What, what d'you want?
552
00:30:04,741 --> 00:30:06,021
[Jamie moans]
553
00:30:08,261 --> 00:30:09,781
[Jamie moans]
554
00:30:36,381 --> 00:30:37,660
[sighs with relief]
555
00:30:46,180 --> 00:30:48,861
[clicking tongue]
556
00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,220
Oh, where the fuck?
557
00:30:57,621 --> 00:31:00,220
She actually said
she wanted to get back with Norma?
558
00:31:00,301 --> 00:31:01,940
Ah! She might as well have done.
559
00:31:02,541 --> 00:31:05,261
It's... it's just gone stale.
560
00:31:05,341 --> 00:31:06,861
You can tell.
561
00:31:06,940 --> 00:31:09,021
[huffs] Norma not making an effort,
562
00:31:09,621 --> 00:31:13,021
Monica frustrated, taking out her anger.
563
00:31:13,781 --> 00:31:15,381
You know what it's like.
564
00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:18,220
Been together for a while,
first casualty's cunnilingus.
565
00:31:19,501 --> 00:31:20,821
Well, you will.
566
00:31:20,900 --> 00:31:24,180
[orgasmic-like moaning]
567
00:31:25,301 --> 00:31:27,741
She wants to go home with Norma,
568
00:31:27,821 --> 00:31:28,741
I know she does.
569
00:31:29,781 --> 00:31:31,141
[sighs]
570
00:31:31,220 --> 00:31:33,781
[gasps] Bring the Fuzzaway.
We might need it.
571
00:31:34,621 --> 00:31:37,061
[orgasmic-like moaning]
572
00:31:46,621 --> 00:31:47,660
'Ere, horsey, horsey!
573
00:31:48,381 --> 00:31:49,541
Have you seen an 'orse?
574
00:31:49,621 --> 00:31:52,061
-[kid] An 'orse?
-Yes, a fucking horse.
575
00:31:52,141 --> 00:31:53,861
About that big. You can't miss it.
576
00:31:55,180 --> 00:31:56,061
Forget it.
577
00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:01,180
Royal Heffernan! Royee!
578
00:32:01,261 --> 00:32:02,501
Gypo!
579
00:32:02,581 --> 00:32:04,261
-Fuck off!
-[kid] Leg it!
580
00:32:07,861 --> 00:32:11,061
Argh! I'm not conforming to this shite,
Sheila.
581
00:32:11,660 --> 00:32:15,220
It's just society scared
of real women and our hairy bits.
582
00:32:16,021 --> 00:32:18,180
-[Sheila giggles]
-Wanting us to look like kids.
583
00:32:18,261 --> 00:32:19,581
Yeah, but sometimes, Norma,
584
00:32:19,660 --> 00:32:22,581
it's just making the gesture,
that's all it takes.
585
00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:25,861
It's like chilli con carne.
If you lose the garnish,
586
00:32:25,940 --> 00:32:27,621
all of civilisation crumbles.
587
00:32:28,261 --> 00:32:31,541
She's gotta remember you're attractive
to other women, that's all.
588
00:32:31,621 --> 00:32:32,621
Well, look.
589
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:35,821
-Says here, "Lack creates desire and--"
-[Norma] Hey, hey, ow!
590
00:32:35,900 --> 00:32:38,980
If that's that Freud pillock
I'm not having it!
591
00:32:39,061 --> 00:32:41,581
Fuckin' going on about
chicks wanting dicks.
592
00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:42,821
Fuck's he on?
593
00:32:42,900 --> 00:32:44,180
It's Jade Goody in Hello.
594
00:32:44,261 --> 00:32:46,781
[Sheila] Yeah, but we all need a boost
now and again.
595
00:32:46,861 --> 00:32:48,220
Freshen ourselves up.
596
00:32:48,301 --> 00:32:50,261
Are you saying I smell?
597
00:32:50,341 --> 00:32:51,541
No! [laughs nervously]
598
00:32:51,621 --> 00:32:53,420
No, of course not, Norma.
599
00:32:53,501 --> 00:32:55,180
Well, you do a bit.
600
00:32:55,261 --> 00:32:56,141
Anyway.
601
00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:57,980
You should have a soak in there
for a minute, and...
602
00:32:58,061 --> 00:33:00,621
get you a glass of dry Italian.
603
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,581
-There you go.
-Cheers.
604
00:33:02,660 --> 00:33:03,581
Come on.
605
00:33:05,021 --> 00:33:08,660
-[Norma hums a song]
-[Sheila chuckles]
606
00:33:11,261 --> 00:33:14,141
["Bang Bang by BA Anderson playing]
♪ ...Vampire friends desire to lust ♪
607
00:33:14,220 --> 00:33:15,581
♪ Fang Fang... ♪
608
00:33:17,180 --> 00:33:19,581
-[coins rattling]
-Bloody Nora.
609
00:33:19,660 --> 00:33:22,541
Well, don't look at me.
I didn't put owt in it.
610
00:33:22,621 --> 00:33:25,381
How the fuck do you lose a bleedin' horse?
611
00:33:25,460 --> 00:33:27,541
I don't know. I think someone's nicked it.
612
00:33:27,621 --> 00:33:28,621
It weren't my fault.
613
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,900
Jesus Christ alive!
614
00:33:32,341 --> 00:33:34,420
♪ Bang bang ♪
615
00:33:34,501 --> 00:33:36,861
-[sighs]
-There you go.
616
00:33:36,940 --> 00:33:37,900
Fuck d'you want?
617
00:33:37,980 --> 00:33:40,501
Well, I thought a round
on the house can't hurt, can it?
618
00:33:40,581 --> 00:33:44,101
Cut the fucking shite. What d'you want?
619
00:33:44,180 --> 00:33:46,740
Well, look, the thing is, Mimi...
620
00:33:46,821 --> 00:33:48,541
your Jamie and this, uh,
this job he's doing...
621
00:33:48,621 --> 00:33:50,021
and I don't know what it is, but please,
622
00:33:50,101 --> 00:33:52,581
this pub is my life and if the brewery
get wind of it, I'm sunk.
623
00:33:52,660 --> 00:33:54,700
I'll give you free drinks for life,
whatever!
624
00:33:54,781 --> 00:33:58,381
-Just, please, speak to him--
-My Jamie does what he likes,
625
00:33:58,460 --> 00:34:00,301
where he likes.
626
00:34:00,381 --> 00:34:02,940
Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad,
627
00:34:03,021 --> 00:34:06,061
with whatever job it is
you're doing from here.
628
00:34:06,141 --> 00:34:07,660
We're right behind ya.
629
00:34:08,860 --> 00:34:09,981
I'm not running a job.
630
00:34:10,061 --> 00:34:12,541
Not from here, not from anywhere.
631
00:34:12,621 --> 00:34:14,621
I'm going straight.
632
00:34:14,700 --> 00:34:17,541
That's why I took the 'orse back
to its owner.
633
00:34:17,621 --> 00:34:19,740
You fuckin' what?
634
00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:21,141
[thud]
635
00:34:25,141 --> 00:34:27,700
Now, has anybody else
got a problem with that?
636
00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,220
[sniffles] Cock.
637
00:34:33,501 --> 00:34:36,300
You see, Black Forest gateau's
got a terrible reputation,
638
00:34:36,381 --> 00:34:38,740
but it's actually a very sensual cake.
639
00:34:38,820 --> 00:34:42,180
Rustic, invented in the 1930s.
640
00:34:42,260 --> 00:34:44,421
Well, sounds lovely, Sheila.
641
00:34:44,501 --> 00:34:47,621
And Monica loves chocolate. She told me.
642
00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:49,860
It's one of the things
that Norma won't let her have.
643
00:34:49,941 --> 00:34:52,981
Which is very short-sighted of her,
cos it's actually an aphrodisiac.
644
00:34:53,061 --> 00:34:55,061
[chuckles]
You wait till she gets her hands on this,
645
00:34:55,141 --> 00:34:57,381
there'll be no holding her back,
the dirty bitch.
646
00:34:57,461 --> 00:35:00,501
Oh, and it's a very evocative name
for lesbians.
647
00:35:00,581 --> 00:35:02,340
Unless she waxes...
648
00:35:02,421 --> 00:35:04,780
Come on. Let's get this over there.
649
00:35:04,860 --> 00:35:06,340
[Sheila exhales excitedly]
650
00:35:07,340 --> 00:35:09,701
[dramatic music]
651
00:35:13,261 --> 00:35:14,141
Oh!
652
00:35:17,101 --> 00:35:18,661
Norma?
653
00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,101
You all right, Bird?
654
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:31,701
Dinner is served.
655
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:35,501
Come on.
656
00:35:52,181 --> 00:35:53,941
You look nice, Norma.
657
00:35:56,621 --> 00:35:59,101
You've even got lipstick on.
658
00:35:59,181 --> 00:36:01,941
Eh... It's a...
659
00:36:02,021 --> 00:36:04,741
It's "Fanny Pink".
660
00:36:04,820 --> 00:36:06,340
Debbie gave it me.
661
00:36:08,421 --> 00:36:10,581
It's "Fancy Pink".
662
00:36:10,661 --> 00:36:12,621
I told you need glasses.
663
00:36:14,221 --> 00:36:16,101
You told me you loved me.
664
00:36:18,181 --> 00:36:19,061
So...
665
00:36:20,101 --> 00:36:21,741
What happened, Bird?
666
00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:23,661
Can't we sort this out?
667
00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:28,741
-Keep the change.
-Cheers, mate.
668
00:36:28,820 --> 00:36:31,461
-So he's really going straight then?
-Apparently.
669
00:36:31,541 --> 00:36:33,501
Great! Then I can have me job back.
670
00:36:33,581 --> 00:36:37,381
Oi! You only got me job
because people are too scared of ya.
671
00:36:37,461 --> 00:36:38,421
Karen!
672
00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:42,381
-So, this was
-My job, and now I want it back!
673
00:36:42,461 --> 00:36:45,741
Hang on a minute!
I have some say in this, it is my pub
674
00:36:45,820 --> 00:36:47,780
and there's been no trouble in here
since he started!
675
00:36:47,860 --> 00:36:49,381
-Jez!
-So, why don't you share it?
676
00:36:49,461 --> 00:36:50,621
Half the week each.
677
00:36:50,701 --> 00:36:51,780
That's me final offer.
678
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,661
[patron] Same, again, Ian.
679
00:36:54,741 --> 00:36:57,221
[song playing in background]
680
00:36:57,300 --> 00:36:58,741
You're still a fuckin' perv!
681
00:36:59,380 --> 00:37:00,340
You what?
682
00:37:00,421 --> 00:37:02,541
You came into Jez's room last night
683
00:37:02,621 --> 00:37:04,741
and you started getting off with me dress.
684
00:37:05,340 --> 00:37:06,421
Was I sleep walkin'?
685
00:37:06,501 --> 00:37:07,981
Look, I sleep walk.
686
00:37:08,061 --> 00:37:10,661
Dunno what you were doing,
but you were bollock naked
687
00:37:10,741 --> 00:37:12,541
and you were groping my dress.
688
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:13,661
So, you saw me?
689
00:37:14,380 --> 00:37:15,261
Course I did.
690
00:37:16,061 --> 00:37:17,501
Well, how much did you see?
691
00:37:17,581 --> 00:37:18,820
Everything.
692
00:37:19,421 --> 00:37:22,581
In detail, close up.
693
00:37:24,181 --> 00:37:25,340
Who's pervin' now, eh?
694
00:37:28,421 --> 00:37:30,621
Oh, there's no community spirit anymore.
695
00:37:31,300 --> 00:37:32,981
It's every man for himself, innit?
696
00:37:33,061 --> 00:37:35,261
I should have known
nobody would give anything.
697
00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:36,901
Can I have me pension back then?
698
00:37:40,421 --> 00:37:42,901
I've given it to a kiddies charity!
699
00:37:42,981 --> 00:37:45,621
Oh, what are you like.
700
00:37:55,981 --> 00:37:57,981
[Sheila breathes heavily]
What's happening?
701
00:37:58,061 --> 00:37:59,021
They're holding hands.
702
00:37:59,101 --> 00:38:00,501
-Are you sure?
-[Liam] Yeah.
703
00:38:00,581 --> 00:38:01,941
[panting with relief]
704
00:38:03,661 --> 00:38:05,061
There's a cherry on the top.
705
00:38:09,101 --> 00:38:10,021
Norm,
706
00:38:11,181 --> 00:38:13,261
the one thing that you can't give me
707
00:38:14,581 --> 00:38:15,661
is what I need.
708
00:38:17,181 --> 00:38:18,181
Me babies.
709
00:38:20,860 --> 00:38:22,941
So, it's, it's really them, then?
710
00:38:23,021 --> 00:38:24,221
I've told ya!
711
00:38:25,701 --> 00:38:26,780
Well, all right.
712
00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:30,860
[stutters] If that's what it's about,
I'll have a baby for ya!
713
00:38:30,941 --> 00:38:35,461
-[Monica chuckles]
-I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind.
714
00:38:35,541 --> 00:38:39,380
We'll have to, um... get a donation,
but if that's what it takes,
715
00:38:40,181 --> 00:38:41,021
I'm there.
716
00:38:42,581 --> 00:38:44,820
You'd do that for me?
717
00:38:44,901 --> 00:38:47,261
I'd do anything for you.
718
00:38:49,061 --> 00:38:52,741
Please, please, please come back to me.
719
00:38:52,820 --> 00:38:54,181
Oh, Norm.
720
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:57,581
D'you really love me that much?
721
00:39:03,701 --> 00:39:06,141
[crying]
722
00:39:07,741 --> 00:39:08,780
Well?
723
00:39:11,340 --> 00:39:12,181
[sniffles]
724
00:39:13,780 --> 00:39:15,061
[Monica cries]
725
00:39:16,501 --> 00:39:17,780
I need the loo.
726
00:39:20,061 --> 00:39:21,221
[mouths] C'mon.
727
00:39:25,661 --> 00:39:27,181
[Debbie] So, what's she said?
728
00:39:27,261 --> 00:39:28,701
[Norma] She's thinking about it.
729
00:39:30,340 --> 00:39:32,501
I've offered her a baby.
730
00:39:32,581 --> 00:39:35,741
-A baby?
-That's what I've promised
731
00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:37,541
if she'll come back.
732
00:39:37,621 --> 00:39:41,501
But, might have to get
someone else to do it, though.
733
00:39:41,581 --> 00:39:43,421
How do two women...
734
00:39:43,501 --> 00:39:44,820
Turkey baster!
735
00:39:50,701 --> 00:39:52,061
[Monica tuts] Oh, Frank.
736
00:39:53,101 --> 00:39:54,860
I'm so confused.
737
00:39:56,581 --> 00:39:59,061
Norma's offered me a baby.
738
00:40:00,021 --> 00:40:01,541
I don't know what to do.
739
00:40:02,261 --> 00:40:03,101
Well, it's..
740
00:40:06,501 --> 00:40:09,941
I mean, supposing it's all
just words and...
741
00:40:10,021 --> 00:40:12,181
It all just gets tired again and...
742
00:40:14,101 --> 00:40:17,141
I end up... feeling trapped.
743
00:40:18,340 --> 00:40:20,181
Oh, Frank.
744
00:40:20,261 --> 00:40:21,701
I need a hug.
745
00:40:22,981 --> 00:40:25,581
Oh. Oh.
746
00:40:25,661 --> 00:40:26,780
[Frank grunts]
747
00:40:26,860 --> 00:40:28,141
[Monica] Oh!
748
00:40:34,860 --> 00:40:40,621
[Monica starts to hum a song]
749
00:40:45,581 --> 00:40:47,741
[humming louder]
750
00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:51,300
-So, you get a turkey baster and you...
-Is that singing?
751
00:40:51,380 --> 00:40:54,661
[muffled humming]
752
00:40:58,141 --> 00:40:59,581
I can't hear anything.
753
00:41:01,541 --> 00:41:04,981
[muffled moaning]
754
00:41:05,061 --> 00:41:06,461
[muffled moans intensifies]
755
00:41:06,541 --> 00:41:08,421
[muffled screams]
756
00:41:14,581 --> 00:41:15,661
[grunts]
757
00:41:16,941 --> 00:41:18,820
[both panting]
758
00:41:41,621 --> 00:41:44,261
Where's, where's the fucking remote?
759
00:41:46,141 --> 00:41:48,501
Oh, no, it's all right.
You don't have to go.
760
00:41:48,581 --> 00:41:51,621
I'm sorry, Norma. I can't do it.
761
00:41:51,701 --> 00:41:53,340
It's my babies here I need.
762
00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:56,181
What are you talking about?
763
00:41:56,261 --> 00:41:58,661
I'm not coming back, Norm.
764
00:41:59,621 --> 00:42:03,501
And I am sorry to you three an' all,
you went to so much trouble.
765
00:42:03,581 --> 00:42:05,101
Food was lovely, though.
766
00:42:06,780 --> 00:42:08,581
It's all right.
767
00:42:08,661 --> 00:42:10,101
I understand.
768
00:42:26,380 --> 00:42:27,340
[knock at door]
769
00:42:31,181 --> 00:42:32,461
Here.
770
00:42:32,541 --> 00:42:33,380
Cheers.
771
00:42:35,261 --> 00:42:37,621
So, what are you gonna do now?
Are you gonna go home?
772
00:42:39,221 --> 00:42:40,181
Nah...
773
00:42:40,261 --> 00:42:41,261
she'll come round.
774
00:42:42,461 --> 00:42:43,981
She's just not thinking straight.
775
00:42:45,101 --> 00:42:48,780
She doesn't realise
that she can have me as well as you lot.
776
00:42:48,860 --> 00:42:51,300
But she will and when she does,
I'll be here. Waitin'.
777
00:42:55,300 --> 00:42:58,300
You can use the inside toilets
from now on if you want to.
778
00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:01,581
Thanks.
779
00:43:03,501 --> 00:43:06,661
Electricity 40 pound a quarter.
and I'll get you your rent book.
780
00:43:08,501 --> 00:43:09,501
Hey?
781
00:43:10,780 --> 00:43:13,820
We have to find a way
of getting shot of her. We just have to...
782
00:43:15,300 --> 00:43:16,261
Sheila, will you...
783
00:43:16,340 --> 00:43:18,021
Not fighting her anymore, Frank.
784
00:43:18,101 --> 00:43:21,661
If she wants her babies
she's entitled to that.
785
00:43:21,741 --> 00:43:23,261
Yeah, but, Sheila...
786
00:43:24,021 --> 00:43:26,461
It's too exhausting, hate.
787
00:43:26,541 --> 00:43:28,820
Anyway, the best woman's won.
788
00:43:28,901 --> 00:43:31,901
I'm married to you now,
there's nothing she can do about that.
789
00:43:31,981 --> 00:43:34,261
And if you love someone, set them free.
790
00:43:34,340 --> 00:43:36,621
I'm setting you free, Frank.
791
00:43:36,701 --> 00:43:37,981
[breathes heavily] I'm trusting ya.
792
00:43:44,741 --> 00:43:45,981
[Frank] Hey. Hey.
793
00:43:46,061 --> 00:43:48,300
Hey! What you doing?
794
00:43:48,380 --> 00:43:50,101
There's too much sunlight yesterday.
795
00:43:50,181 --> 00:43:52,581
I'm feeling a bit insidey-outsidey.
796
00:43:52,661 --> 00:43:54,820
Thought I'd make these for myself.
797
00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:05,300
[Frank] Squidgy-gate.
Camilla-gate. Watergate.
798
00:44:05,380 --> 00:44:07,780
Gareth Gates.
I mean, what's it all about, eh?
799
00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:11,820
All these private, you know, secrets?
800
00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,380
And what good does it do,
eh, to let them out?
801
00:44:14,461 --> 00:44:18,860
All you get's a load of...
heartache and misery.
802
00:44:18,941 --> 00:44:22,061
And what you don't know can't hurt you,
that's what I say.
803
00:44:22,141 --> 00:44:24,541
Ignorance is bliss.
804
00:44:24,621 --> 00:44:27,380
Plus, it must be true.
I mean, look at George Bush.
805
00:44:27,461 --> 00:44:30,501
Thick as fuckin' shit,
yet he smiles enough, doesn't he?
806
00:44:47,141 --> 00:44:49,021
-You've got to choose.
-Why?
807
00:44:49,101 --> 00:44:51,421
You have to choose Sheila.
She's the best thing about ya.
808
00:44:51,501 --> 00:44:54,501
[Frank] I demand the freedom
not to choose!
809
00:44:54,581 --> 00:44:55,900
It's a fucking hand!
810
00:44:55,981 --> 00:44:57,061
Shit!
811
00:44:57,780 --> 00:44:59,421
[Carl] I've got a big cock.
812
00:44:59,501 --> 00:45:01,181
Of course you have, you took after me.
813
00:45:01,261 --> 00:45:03,900
You're not a vegetarian
and you're not a lesbian,
814
00:45:03,981 --> 00:45:06,300
and you're having sex with my Frank.
815
00:45:06,900 --> 00:45:08,340
[Sheila screams]
816
00:45:08,421 --> 00:45:11,820
[screams] Sheila!
817
00:45:53,141 --> 00:45:56,021
[western movie music]
818
00:46:03,661 --> 00:46:05,900
Yee-haa!
56664
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