Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves,

which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie! Sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favor.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[chuckles] Scatter!

[crowd cheering]

[Frank] Me first stag night, the barman tells me a joke.

Kid goes up to his dad, said he's heard that in some countries

a man doesn't even know his wife till he marries her.

His dad tells him: "That happens in every fucking country, son."

I mean, it's true, innit? I mean, if I'd have known

Monica was gonna be a lezza, I'd have never have married her,

would I? Well, yeah, probably. I mean,

I'd have thought I was in with a, you know, flesh sandwich.

But the point I'm making is, you just don't know, do you?

You know, spin the fuckin' wheel.

So that's the point of a stag-do, innit?

Cos like the chief Roman said: "Veni, vidi, vodka."

"Numb me fucking senses, boys. I'm coming in!"

Whoa! Not fucking Marty!

-[groans] -[crowd cheering]

["Wedding March" plays]

[rattling]

[groans]

[Sheila] All right?

Ooh. That's lovely.

[builder] Out the way, mate.

No, Sheila!

Tell me it's not Ground Force.

It's for the conservatory, Frank.

Gonna have frosted glass and blackout blinds

for when I get a bit insidey-outsidey.

Hello? The garden's only ten feet two.

What the fuck we need a conservatory for?

The wedding!

You know what I'm like.

Five hours out here, and I'll go completely doolally.

Well, put a fucking wigwam up or summat.

[chuckles] Too much daylight! [breathes shakily]

[Frank] How many times, eh?

If you cold-turkey your tablets, I need telling,

cos, A, they're worth money.

B, they're a magnet for every fucking bronco for miles.

How the hell much is all this costing?

Eight thousand, plus VAT.

Well, we knocked a few quid off for signing on the spot.

There! There you go. [chuckles]

I said I wanted a conservatory, Frank. It's my money.

-You haven't got eight grand! -I got a mortgage.

Three-two-one, back in the room. [clicks fingers]

Fuck's a re-mortgage costing me?

Us, you?

Peanuts, Frank, cos I paid off the house last year.

But if I'm gonna be honest,

I missed filing all those bits of paper they used to send me.

So, I took the money out and everything, and hid it in here!

[breathing heavily]

Well, you always said I shouldn't let people take advantage.

-[exhales deeply] -Come here, you!

[both laugh]

God, you are a total one-off!

-Yeah. [chuckles] -[chuckles]

Why don't you let Frank take care of that, eh?

OK.

[Frank] So how much have you over-quoted?

Three grand? Four? Let's say four. Eh?

Four grand, split it 50-50.

Give us a receipt for the lot.

Job's eight grand.

On your fuckin' bike, Tonto.

-You seen Watchdog? -Yeah.

Yeah, presenter? Sheila's brother. Twins.

He's Scottish.

Phone a friend or fuck off.

-[Frank groans] -We run an honest business here.

We pay our taxes. All above board.

I just put a cake out if you're all done and dusted.

Beer anyone? Gin and tonic?

No, I'm all right, thanks, love. And he's had enough.

Where the fuck did you dig them up?

Advert in the Church Gazette.

Right.

Thanks for telling me.

-[door opens] -[Carol] Veronica.

Those tights you gave me have got a hole in.

-Not now, Mum. -Oh, what's the matter with her?

-Lost a fiver, found a-- -I said not now!

I've just found out me IVF's failed again.

I don't know why you want kids anyway.

Pain in the bloody arse, if you ask me.

Bleed you dry,

take away the best years of your life,

and then they grow up to be a total waste...

[sighs] Tell you what, Mum.

Don't mince your words. Say what you really feel.

I mean, it's not much better from where I'm standing, is it?

I mean, what did I get?

Jane of the fucking jungle. But with a beard!

Wedding dress? Done.

-Order flowers? Done. -Yeah.

Wedding cake?

Martha Stewart berry basket cake with wooden dowel supports,

if I can get the wooden dowels.

If not, I'll just have to use toilet roll holders.

[Debbie] And you're making that yourself, so done!

Right, that brings us to bridesmaids,

and you'll obviously want Karen as one.

Me, what, bridesmaid?

You must be joking!

So that just leaves me, and Liam as pageboy.

[builder] I've just had to turn your water off,

-love, while we do digging. -OK.

Right. So, that's me and Liam, and I need a bridesmaid dress,

-so I found one-- -Digging?

What's he mean, digging?

[door opening]

But I don't understand. Why are you digging?

-For the foundations! -Eh, the ground's solid!

Just put it on there, can't you?

No. It won't stand up. We've only gotta dig a few feet.

I said no. I don't want digging.

But if we don't dig, you can't have a conservatory.

All right. Just forget it, then.

-You what? -I said forget it.

-I don't want a conservatory. -Are you joking, or what?

I've booked time in for this job, and you can't have a refund!

Then keep the money!

And the cake, too, if you want it.

[exhales]

Look, I've bought all gear now. Let's just get on with it.

Well, that's it, then, innit?

No more freebies on the NHS.

And me and Kev sure as shit

ain't got two grand for going private, so...

looks like game over.

Is it still Kev's sperm that's the problem?

Still doing backstroke.

Thing is, he never wanted 'em till

bloody mouth almighty started going on about it, and...

now he's desperate.

How am I gonna tell him that they failed again? I mean,

when they've been handpicked, and scored out of a hundred.

[tongue click] And kids like Mandy Maguire

can get pregnant from just fucking sneezing.

How's that fair?

Have you ever thought about having any?

Yeah.

Dunno.

Lot of work, aren't they?

[footsteps approaching]

[chuckles]

-[builder] Whoa! Whoa! -[Sheila] Leave my patio alone!

Leave it alone!

-Leave my patio alone! -[builder] Look out!

[Sheila] Leave it alone!

Don't make me do it, please! Don't make me do it!

-Hey! What's going on? -Just stop.

-Sheila! Sheila! -[panting]

I don't want it! I don't want it!

-It's all right. -[Sheila] No digging.

-No, no, it's all right. -No digging.

-No digging. -I don't want them to do it.

They won't, they won't--

-Leave it alone! [sobs] -You'll be all right.

They'll leave it alone.

Fuckin' hell!

[Sheila sobs] I'm so sorry, Frank. I'm so sorry!

It's just so awful.

-It was so awful! -All right, all right.

There's no need to...

Frank, there's something I need to tell you.

I can't marry you without telling you.

You're not a bloke, are you?

[continues sobbing] No! Course not!

No, no.

I was married before. Before Eddie.

Before Eddie-- Karen's dad, Eddie.

Yeah. Sheldon, but he died...

[whispers] ...of a heart attack.

Oh, well...

Well, you know, some of these blokes, these days,

don't take care of themselves, do they?

You know, no exercise, pissing it up.

[Sheila whispers] No.

But, er...

I mean, if it's putting you off

-getting married again, Sheila-- -No, no.

No, it's not that.

It's just... he's buried...

in the garden!

[Kev] Are you serious?

No coffin?

-Nothing? -["Ghost Town" plays]

She just wrapped him in a doily, said a few Hail Marys,

and then shoved him six feet under.

It's what he would've wanted, she reckons.

Can you give us another pint, Kev, and a couple of Es?

[Kev] A bit fucking weird, though.

Course it's a bit fucking weird.

Fucking Michael Jackson video in your back garden!

Stiff under the whatsit bush.

It's hardly Mr. and Mrs., is it?

Hey, do you reckon Karen knows?

Oh-- Hey, Karen!

Don't tell her, you stupid bastard!

It's not like he's her dad.

So what did Sheila say about it? I mean, is she all right?

How the fuck should I know?

[groans]

-[thud] -[groans]

Hey, hey, so, er,

so we should have heard from the hospital.

It should have been today, shouldn't it?

Well, it might be tomorrow. You know what they're like.

I'll, er... I'll take him home, shall I?

Make sure Sheila's all right. Find out what I can.

Come on, tosspot! [sighs]

Cheers!

Oh, look at that, Liam, there. You'd look sweet in that.

Hmm! Oi!

Who's the spunk-face short-arse outside, then?

[Debbie] Who?

[sighs] Not again!

What does he want?

[Carl] Where?

Oh, go on, Debs, he's your boyfriend, ain't he?

-You can tell us. -You're joking, aren't you?

He's only about four.

Someone tell him I've gone out. Come on, Liam.

[knocking on window] Fuck off!

-Thanks for bringing him home. -[Veronica] It's all right.

I thought I'd come and see how it's going.

You know, wi-- With wedding and that.

Sorry I haven't got much to offer you.

-I could do you a vodka. -[Frank snoring]

So is that where he's buried, then?

-What? -Oh, I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry,

it's just... Well, Frank said, and,

well, I mean, only to us, and I... [sighs]

What the hell happened?

Oh. It's... [breaths nervously]

Let me, er, let me do those.

There's not really much to tell, actually!

I just...

couldn't handle the funeral with the agoraphobia,

and... and when he fell downstairs and killed himself...

I thought, the garden's just as good a place as any.

And he loved that garden. He loved it.

He used to sit out there and... point where to plant things.

Fell down the stairs? I...

I thought he had a heart attack.

He did. He did.

He did! After he fell down the stairs. [breathes shakily]

I thought maybe I should have done him a headstone,

but it would have spoiled the symmetry,

and he wouldn't have liked that. Wouldn't have liked it.

I mean, there wasn't any time.

I didn't even have time to take off his jewelry!

[breathes shakily] Didn't allow me to touch it, anyway.

That's why I can't wear gold.

That's why I have to wear fake or platinum.

Maybe I should have phoned someone,

but I knew he was dead,

because he didn't get up to watch The Sweeney.

The Sweeney.

[whispering] What did Frank say?

What did he say?

How much gold, Sheila?

You look nice, Carol.

I always think animal prints suit you.

Veronica's put you up to this, hasn't she?

-No, of course not. -[Carol] Hmm.

Well, whatever it is you're wanting, I'm not biting.

[Yvonne] Hi, Debbie.

Doing a good trade on that confetti.

Waste not, fucking want not.

[sighs] The thing is,

it's not actually me wanting something.

It's Sheila.

She's ever so stressed about the wedding,

and she really wants me to be a bridesmaid, but...

[sighs] Would you--

The answer's no!

Oh, go on, Carol, please!

I'm not nicking you a bridesmaid dress.

I got cautioned the last time I tried something.

I can't take that chance again.

All right, Yvonne, just a pack of gum for me.

Three-twenty.

"Take What You Want Day"

for bearded ladies were last week, Carol.

-[cash register opens] -Thank you.

[cash register dings]

[Debbie] Why are you following me?

I've got Racing Ninjas.

Look, Brian.

The thing is, I don't want to be rude or anything.

I'm just not really interested.

It's nothing personal or anything.

It's just-- It's all about chemicals in your brain,

and you can't help those,

who you've got them for and who you haven't.

And with you, I just haven't.

Sorry.

No hard feelings, eh?

You can have me skateboard...

if you let me kiss you.

I don't want a skateboard.

What I want is a bridesmaid dress.

[door closing]

Frank! Frank!

[splutters]

What'd you do that for?

She's buried him with a load of gold!

He was covered in it! Rings, watches, teeth!

Must be worth a fortune!

What the fuck's that got to do with me?

I want you to dig him up!

Dig-- Are you off your fu-- Dig him up?

It's not Brookside. He's a dead person.

Well, exactly! He don't need it, does he, eh?

It were years ago. He'll only be a bag of bones.

Oh, and, what? You don't think he's--

He's entitled to everlasting, you know, fucking whatsit?

A man's soul has a right to be left in peace,

doesn't he, or what is the world coming to?

Well, you know what?

You can say a few prayers when you bury him again.

Come on, Frank!

Kev's cousin can fence it.

All we need to do is get rid of Sheila for the night,

dig him up,

-split it 50-50. -Oh.

-It's yours by rights. -Yeah, but...

-Is it? -Yeah, of course it is!

Cos, well,

Sheldon were married to Sheila...

-Yeah. -...which makes her

-his next of kin. -Right.

You're married to Sheila,

well... near enough.

So that makes you a...

I really need this money, Frank. And don't pretend you don't.

Money Sheila's spending on this wedding?

It's payback!

That's better. Oh, you're awake!

Oh.

[farting]

[groans]

-[Lip groans] -That was a bit hardcore.

What time is it?

About three.

Shit!

Fuck!

Mandy. I'm here.

-I'm here now. -[Mandy] Fuck you, Lip.

Look. Just let me take her. I said I would.

You said you'd be here at two. Jesus Christ, Lip!

Just one afternoon out with me friends, that's all I wanted.

-Well, I'm here now. -You're not reliable!

I said I didn't want you involved with her.

I said you'd get bored and fuck me over, and you have.

We don't need that in our lives, Lip.

You're gonna end up like your own fucking dad!

[coughs]

Mandy!

I thought we'd agreed to make a go of it.

Fuck! [kicks fence]

Look, she'll calm down, Lip. She's just pissed off with you.

She's right, though, isn't she?

Fucked up like she said I would.

OK, so tell her you're sorry, and tell her

you'll make it up to her.

I don't want to be like him.

I want to be a good dad.

Look, do you think, well...

What if I asked her to move in with me?

I'd be there for her all the time, and she'd know I mean it.

-I suppose. -Yeah. I could redecorate!

My room, do it how she likes.

-That's commitment, innit? -Yeah.

Where'd you get this from?

Wrong color.

[party blowers honking]

-[Veronica cheering] -Party!

-Come on, kid! -[party blowers honking]

-Get the music on, Frank! -[Frank] Party!

[Sheila] Is it a hen night or something?

Maybe we should invite some of the others.

No, no. We can do that later.

We just thought we'd have a bit of a celebration.

-Hey, get the girl a drink, Vee! -[cheering]

Yay! [laughs]

Come on!

["So Much Love To Give" plays]

♪ I've got so much love to give ♪

♪ I've got so much love to give ♪

♪ I've got so much love to give... ♪

-Come on, Vee. -I'm coming!

Here we go, Sheila. Chin-chin! Whoo!

-[Frank] Cheers. Cheers. -Cheers.

♪ I've got so much love... ♪

[all cheering]

♪ I've got so much love... ♪

Where'd you get it from?

-I stole it. -Where from?

Me dad works at a printer's,

and they make wedding invitations.

So, I know who's getting married.

-[cries] -[bridesmaid] Don't cry.

-Please stop crying, honey. -It'll be all right.

We'll sort you out a dress. You'll be fine.

So, Brian...

how many more weddings do you know of?

-["Dancing Queen" plays] -[Sheila] Oh, I love this one!

I'm having such a lovely time! [chuckles]

-Dance with her, will you? -[Sheila] Oh!

[Sheila chuckles]

[Veronica] Come on, then, Sheila.

[both chuckle]

-[laughs] -[Sheila laughs] Go on.

Here you go! Come on!

Another one already?

-Down in one! Go on! Go on! -[Veronica speaks indistinctly]

Go on!

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on! Whoo!

[all laughing]

[thud]

Oh, thank fuck for that.

-How many did you give her? -Ten.

You don't think she's...

[Sheila snores]

[Frank] That's the thing about women, see.

You're devious.

Like Alastair fucking Campbell, the lot of you. Tick, tick.

[imitates ticking]

Make out like there's nothing going on, but inside...

[imitates Psycho music]

I mean, where's Kev, while you're here, eh?

Witching hour.

Legs straddling a fucking corpse?

At home in bed, none the flamin' wiser.

More to the point, where are you, Frank?

You are meant to be fucking helping!

Hey, no! I can't go there. It's too close to home.

Anyway, I'm getting flashbacks to me mam.

Anyway, you were a fucking nurse,

-you're used to dead bod-- -[thud]

Fucking hell, Frank.

I think I found him.

-[clangs] -Well, have-- Have a look.

Can you see the gold?

Bloody hell.

[panting]

There's a watch, though.

[continued panting]

And some rings.

Fuck me.

Jesus Christ on a bike.

That was some fucking fall down the stairs.

["Wedding March" plays]

'Ere y'are. Got you a double.

"Dig him up," she said. "Won't hurt anyone," she said.

No! You're not the one just found out

you're marrying Myra fucking Hindley!

Frank, I am just as freaked out about this as you are.

Oh! Hello! How's that work? What, are you the one

that's lying awake three in the morning,

wondering whether you're gonna make it till breakfast time?

Look.

["Gold" plays]

Now, this-- This wouldn't normally be my first port of call,

but maybe we should, you know,

think about... about going to the police.

I mean, you could say you were gardening--

Hey! How come suddenly it's all about me?

Well, you're the one who fuckin' dug him up.

Er, Frank! You wanna pull yourself together.

I mean, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

For a fondue set in the ribs?

What? He thought: "Oh, hang on,

I'll try a bit of acupuncture to cure the heart attack

and, oh, dear, whoops. I've stabbed myself to death."

I don't fucking think so.

Well, if you go to the police, we've lost the gold,

so why don't you just shut up about it!

When did you turn into Lara Croft, Tomb Raider?

-[Veronica sighs] -[footsteps approaching]

Oh, shit!

-[coughs] -[Sheila] Oh.

I've got a shocking head.

I didn't sleep properly last night.

I was up and down like a yo-yo.

Sorry. Am I interrupting something?

-[Frank] No. -No, no, we were just

talking about the wedding.

Frank's really looking forward to it.

Oh, Frank, are you?

-Of course I am, yeah. -[Sheila] Yeah?

-I got my dress fitting today. -Great.

Oh, I've got a diamante bodice,

nylon tulle veil, modesty panel. [breathes deeply]

Actually, I, erm,

I know you don't like looking after the twins,

but I thought maybe just for a couple of--

Well, of course I do! No, don't be silly. Any time!

-It'd only be for an hour. -Yeah.

Don't question it, Sheila. He might change his mind.

[Veronica] Anyway, I've got to go. I should shoot.

-See ya. -[Frank] Hey, Veronica.

Have you got moles, then?

You what, Lillian?

[Lillian] Moles. Have you got 'em?

Our Leslie said she saw you digging in garden.

-She lives over back from you. -[Frank] No, Lillian.

No. It's-- It's the, erm,

digger, er-- We got the builders in. It's not us.

[Lillian] No. It was definitely you, in the night.

-She wanted to-- -[Frank] No, no, no.

She must have been, you know, dreaming it.

Dreamt it. You know what she's like.

Hang on, hang on. Sheila,

-come on, darling, you've got... -She did tell me it were you.

-I know she did, She knows you're-- -Hang on, Lillian. Hang on.

Just go on, darlin'. You enjoy yourself.

She told me it were you, cos she knows your--

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Your work on this planet is finished.

-Return to your own people. -She don't tell lies!

She saw you!

Fucking hell.

No. No.

No.

-Look, Lip, I told you-- -Just...

come with us a minute.

Debs, watch Katie.

What are we doing, Lip?

You'll see in a minute.

All right. You ready?

Ta-da!

[Mandy] What's this meant to be?

Well, it's for you.

I thought if you moved in here, I'll be around, won't I?

I won't be able to forget things.

Lip! A couple of coats of paint aren't gonna solve anything.

And what makes you think I'm gonna move in here with you lot?

It's a fucking madhouse.

No offence, but I'd rather eat me own sick.

-I don't understand you. -But...

-I want it to work, Mandy. -Yeah, well, so do I.

But it's us we've got to sort out.

The real stuff. Not some fucking paint job.

[sighs]

I don't want to, Debbie.

-Brian, you said you'd help me. -You said I could kiss you.

Just help me get the dress. and I'll... [sighs]

Just one, OK? Here.

On the mouth.

On the mouth, or I'm not doing it.

Just help me get the dress, all right?

[sighs]

Where'd you get it from?

Oh, you know, grave-robbing. [chuckles] Usual stuff.

[Mary] I'd put it back if I was you.

-Eh? -It's fake.

The whole lot of it.

Ain't worth a penny.

Come on then! Let me see.

All right, then! But make it quick,

and if you gob on me, I'll throw up on ya.

Well, go on, then!

I... I think you're horrible.

You think you're really it, but you're not.

You're just using me,

and you shouldn't do that cos it's wrong.

I don't want to kiss ya.

I don't want to see you ever again.

[door closing]

[Sheila] Frank?

Are you all right about tomorrow?

I can't wait to be Mrs. Gallagher.

[breathes heavily]

I think I'll just hit the hay, Sheila.

[pants]

[Sheila] Just locking up for the night, Frank!

Frank?

Yeah, just in here, love.

-Frank, are you all right, love? -Yeah, yeah, just...

[grunts] You know...

Is there something wrong?

Frank?

What Lillian said...

were you digging?

Did...

Did you dig him up?

[Frank] Sorry, love. Can't hear you!

[shower running]

Did you dig him up?

Did you dig him up?

Did you dig him up, Frank?

[whimpers]

-Hey, erm-- -[Kev] Veronica...

-[Veronica sighs] -...you've heard, haven't ya?

From the hospital.

It's not good news, is it?

No.

Oh, look. I'm really sorry.

I-- I just didn't know how to tell you.

-All right. -[Frank] Veronica?

-Veronica! -[glass shattering]

For fuck's sake!

Mind your feet.

What the fuck are you playing at, Frank?

Let me in!

You've just broken the fucking window!

Look...

I need the money from the gold!

What fucking gold?

You've done what?

Well, he were fucking dead, anyway!

Er, correction! Murdered! How much?

-Hey, hey. You-- You what? -Sheila murdered him, so?

-She murdered him? You're joking. -Wish I fuckin' was, mate.

Yeah, well, Frank, it was a big fat zero cos it's all fake.

So fucking tough shit on both of us.

So I dug up that body for nothing?

You didn't dig him up. I fucking did!

That gold is me "Get Out of Jail Free" card!

How the hell am I gonna get away from her now?

-Whoa, whoa, what you on about? -[Frank] She knows!

Fucking Lillian! Fucking...

And now she's gonna kill me!

-No, it's not fucking funny! -[laughs]

Look, you didn't see her with that spade!

They get a taste for it, don't they?

-I've seen Crimewatch. -[Veronica] Oh, for fuck's sake!

What the hell am I gonna do now?

[Frank panting]

I'm gonna have to stay here while I get me head together.

You are joking. Over my dead body.

It's me darkest hour, Veronica! Me dream wedding in tatters.

Me kids are not taking pity on me. Lip's already thrown me out.

Yeah, well, tell it to Oprah! Now, fuck off!

Veronica, you can't do this to me. I'm a marked man.

Hey, you've got me into this. Veronica?

[Veronica] Go home, Frank!

Oh! Oh.

Oh... piss!

I don't believe you.

I know, don't.

What were you thinking?

Well, I-- I thought we could use the money, to, you know...

for IVF.

I know how much you want it, Kev.

Oh, you...

Come here, you daft cow.

[both sigh]

Hey, not many blokes could say their wife

-would go grave robbing for 'em. -[groans]

It were horrible and all! [sniffles]

-And he stank! -Urgh.

Well, look, Vee, we're all right.

We're all right. We don't need no one else.

-Mm. -[Kev] huh?

Aye, but we... don't need to be trying for a baby...

-to have sex, do we? -[chuckles]

-No! [chuckles] -[chuckles]

Let us in, then.

[both laugh]

["Wedding March" plays]

[knocking on door]

-[birds chirping] -Frank?

Frank?

Frank, are you there, love?

[Sheila] Carl?

Carl? Is your dad there?

No. Why?

-I think he's left me. -Hey, give over, Sheila, I...

He's, erm... He's probably with, erm...

Well, he's-- He's probably out with Kev somewhere, isn't he? You know...

getting ready and that. [clears throat]

It's bad luck to see you on your wedding day, isn't it?

[mouths]

[pants] Look.

Why don't you go home? And, er, don't worry.

We'll-- We'll find him.

I'll get him.

What the fuck are you doing, Frank?

It's your wedding day. You can't just disappear.

-She's in pieces. -Yeah, well, but what about me?

I'm a hunted man.

She got a fucking spade, Veronica.

If you're not gonna marry her, Frank, you have got to tell her.

Sort him out, will ya? I'm going to Sheila's.

[Kev] Come on, knobhead.

All right, so you dig up this bloke,

-and she's killed him, right? -Yeah,

and who's to say he's not the only one? Mm?

I mean, remember...

Eddie the owl?

Fucking "Missionary work" in Africa, or six feet under?

What's the more likely, eh?

Well, look, the only reason you know about Sheldon

in the first place cos she told you.

Now, what's she gonna tell you for

if she's planning on giving you the same?

Well, it's-- It's double bluff, innit?

Plus, she had no choice.

-No, that's bollocks, Frank. -No.

-The reas-- No, Frank. -No.

The reason she told you is because she trusts you.

-[scoffs] -That woman,

she wouldn't lay a finger on you.

Fuck knows why, but she thinks the sun shines out your arse.

But she's still a fucking murderer, Kev.

I'm not marrying her. Hmm.

[sighs] It's beautiful, isn't it?

I thought I might as well put it on,

though I don't suppose I'll be needing it now.

-Hey, now, come on. Enough of that. -He knows, doesn't he?

He knows about Sheldon.

I'm sorry, Sheila.

-We didn't mean to-- -He used to hit me, see.

If everything wasn't just so, he used to...

It was like he was looking for things to find fault with.

Like... [sighs]

...if his records weren't stacked neatly or if I had a button undone.

-Sheldon fucking beat ya? -I was young, you see.

You think you deserve it, don't you?

You don't know any better.

It was the gold that was the worst. [sobs]

[cries] He used to burn me with it.

Pattern marks all up and down me arms and legs.

No! No!

[screaming]

And if I cried, he'd punch me in the face.

Battered me once, put me in hospital for a month.

Why didn't anybody stop him? Why didn't you

-go to the police? -I did.

I did, but they used to pretend they couldn't see the marks.

They just used to say: "There, there."

Give me a boiled sweet, and send me home.

They used to call it a domestic in those days.

They didn't want to get involved.

It was always gobstoppers.

I can't stand the sight of them now.

And then one...

one night he was coming at me with a medallion.

And I just went.

[screams]

[whispers] I didn't plan any of it.

[Veronica] Oh, Sheila, what a bastard.

I can't believe you've never told us before.

He deserved everything he got, then.

You mustn't waste another breath on him.

Frank's gone, Veronica.

Because of me,

-because of what I've done. -Hey, now, come on--

Do you think maybe if-- Think maybe if I confessed,

do you think maybe Frank could forgive me?

I know, I know he doesn't love me anymore.

But if he could forgive me, that would be something,

-wouldn't it? -Now, come on, Sheila.

You are not getting yourself banged up

for the likes of Sheldon.

-He was a monster. -But for Frank.

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm gonna turn myself in. [sighs]

["Killer Queen" plays]

♪ Gunpowder, gelatine Dynamite with a laser beam... ♪

Oi! Having a nice time, are ya?

While your fiancée’s gone to turn herself in.

Well, if you can't do the time...

For the murder of a bloke who beat her to a fucking pulp!

Oi! Where the fuck you going?

[Frank] Empty house, I'm gonna keep myself company.

For fuck's sake, Frank,

he used to burn her fucking arms with a medallion.

How much more convincing do you need?

I am not fucking joking, Frank.

You can't let her go through with this.

She'll go to prison!

She's only confessing, cos she thinks it's what you want!

-Fucking hell. -What?

"Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher."

She's opened a fucking joint account for ya.

[sighs]

What's he doing? Get off! Get off! What you doing?

[angry shouting]

My bike!

[rock music playing]

For fuck's sake!

[nursery rhyme playing]

[sobs]

[rock music playing]

[all screaming]

Sarge?

[Sheila] Thank you.

Well, blimey, look at you, Sheila!

-Aw! Twins have grown, eh? -[Sheila] Yeah.

Yeah, they have.

-[Sheila sobbing] -So, what can we do for you?

You come to report a crime? What is it?

Frank wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt for the wedding?

No, no.

[pouring]

[sobs] I've come to confess...

to a murder.

I'm sorry.

[Tony] Look, Sheila, love.

You don't have to marry Frank, you know, if you don't want to.

You don't have to go making up stories--

No, I do. I really do.

It's-- It's just cos of the conservatory, you see.

All right, erm...

Maybe we should, erm... We'll get you a cup of tea.

Yeah, yeah! That would be lovely.

Erm, with demerara, if you've got it.

-Gobstopper? -No!

Whoa! Neddy! Hold the fucking horses!

Now, whatever she's saying, it's not true, right!

It's just pre-wedding jitters, isn't it?

It's just...

She's...

C-- Can I just have a couple of minutes with her on me own?

[telephone ringing]

Sheila, what you doing, you daft mare?

I know you know about him, what I've done.

So, I thought I'd come and get it off my chest.

[Frank scoffs] But what you talking about?

He was a brute, wasn't he?

It's all right, cos Veronica told me.

He deserved everything he got.

God, if I'd have got to him first, I'd have done it!

Cos if anyone lays a fucking finger on you...

[sobs] Frank, you'd gone because of what I'd done.

No!

Well, yeah, but it was just... [sighs]

You know, just a mo-- Moment of cold feet!

Er, just a normal kind of bloke thing, just...

I got a bit-- Anyway, the point is I'm here now.

Why don't we just... go home, eh?

To tell you the truth...

you finding out's quite a weight off.

Cos, erm, I've been giving it a lot of thought,

and I've thought maybe all this trouble

I've had over the last few years,

you know, like, the pills and everything,

maybe it's cos of the guilt.

I think I need to be punished.

Sheila, you have...

served your time...

in here.

So what good's it gonna do? You can't-- You're not gonna

-bring him back, is it? -But, Frank--

I'll tell you something, Sheila. If you go to prison...

No, I know, if you go to prison...

you will kill another man.

-No. -Because...

I will die of a broken heart.

Frank...

do you really mean that?

Do I?

A man...

without a woman.

Sheila Jackson...

[Sheila chuckling]

Will you do me the great...

thingy...

of being my wife?

[sobs] Yes!

Yes, yes!

Of course I will! Of course I will!

[both laugh]

Then let's get the fuck out of this place, then.

["Wedding March" plays]

Well, you don't scrub up bad.

Didn't think you were coming.

Yeah, well, wouldn't miss this, would I?

Got me mum to mind Katie, so it's just me and you today,

if we can remember how to do that.

Course we can.

Come on.

-You got a buttonhole, Marty? -Stick a cock in it!

-[Sue] Hiya, Karen. -[Karen] Hiya, Sue.

-[Veronica] Here you are, love. -[Karen] Cheers.

In a civil service,

we don't make vows of a religious nature.

-Thank fuck. -[chuckles]

But we pledge our love, honor, and respect

in a way that's just as deeply binding.

Come on, come on. Get to the good bit.

Do you, Vernon Francis Gallagher...

Come on. Join in if you know the words.

[all] Do you, Vernon Francis Gallagher,

take Sheila Jackson to be your lawfully wedded wife?

-[Sheila sighs] -[chuckles] I do!

[crowd cheering]

[registrar] And do you, Sheila Jackson,

take Vernon Francis Gallagher

-to be your lawfully... -[all] To be your lawfully

-wedded husband? -[registrar] ...wedded husband?

Yes! Yeah! I'm guilty!

[Frank] Hooray!

-Give us the ring. -Oh, fuck, yeah.

[chuckles]

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[all cheering]

["Congratulations" plays]

[Kev] Way to go, Frank!

♪ Congratulations and celebrations ♪

♪ When I tell everyone That you're in love with me ♪

♪ Congratulations and jubilations... ♪

Hey, I'm glad you came through.

Yeah, well, I could hardly let her down, could I?

Anyway, I got to thinking.

I never got the divorce through from Monica in the end, so...

it's not legal anyway.

-[chuckles] -[all cheering]

[all cheering] Hooray!

[camera shutter clicking]

[Veronica] Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher.

[Frank] So, I've got a new joke, right?

What does "bigamy" mean?

One wife too many.

And "monogamy"?

Same fucking thing.

But, you know, if you've gotta have a ball and chain,

Sheila's the woman for the job.

Cos if we ever fall on hard times,

you can send her out as a contract killer.

So like the chief Roman said, "Veni, vidi, vol-au-vent."

"Let's have a fucking party!"

♪ Congratulations and jubilations ♪

♪ I want the world to know... ♪

Here, give me that.

-♪ I want the world to know... ♪ -[cheering]

♪ I'm happy as can be ♪

(applause)