Original subtitles

Oh, no. Guys, what is this?

Ugh, I told you potato people

that we're not celebrating Molly's birthday today.

How many knife emojis do I have to email you

- until you understand how serious this is? - Okay. Thank you, Nicholas.

Guys, my last birthday was the worst day of my life.

So I decided this year I am not going to celebrate.

Well, it wasn't me. I love complying with emails.

Yeah, coz, not us. I didn't even realize today was your birthday.

But knowing you're a Gemini

explains a lot of the problems I have with you.

Well, then who is this from?

I'm not sure, but we need to get in there so we can, you know,

get some work done in our workplace. [chuckles]

Unless it's a bomb. Someone needs to go in there first.

Uh, I guess we should send in our least valuable person.

Say no more.

I'm going in.

[doors open]

[Molly gasps]

What the hell is going on?

"Open me."

What the fuck is this?

- [gasps] - Happy birthday, beautiful.

Oh, for fuck's sake. What an asshole.

[chuckles] I know, right? I wish I could be there with you too.

But, as you know, I am in training for my upcoming trip to space.

[chuckles] It's not technically space. It's just really high. Upper exosphere.

You know, I couldn't help but remember

the first time we celebrated your birthday.

When we drank too much soju. Did karaoke all night.

We sang a certain little song I think you'll remember.

["A Whole New World" playing]

♪ I can show you the world ♪

Take it, Molly.

♪ Tell me, Princess ♪

♪ Now When did you last let your heart decide? ♪

♪ I can open your eyes ♪

[sighs]

- ♪ Over, sideways and under ♪ - Oh, my God. It's still going on.

♪ On a magic carpet ride ♪

♪ A whole new world ♪

♪ A new fantastic point of view ♪

♪ No one to tell us no Or where to go ♪

- ♪ Or say we're only dreaming ♪ - Okay, stop. Stop singing. Stop singing.

- ♪ A whole new wor... ♪ - Stop sing... Stop singing!

- Please. Stop singing. - [Howard stammers] I'm sorry.

I can't leave Prince Ali hanging like that.

Okay, someone clear this crap out of here.

Let's just forget that it's my birthday.

I'm going to my office to start my workday.

Nicholas, bring me my nap pillow and my eye mask.

[stammers] Did you wanna do another one?

Do you know "The Boy Is Mine"?

- John, please play "The Boy Is Mine." - It's not a fucking Siri, Ainsley.

[hip-hop song playing]

[song ends]

- [Molly] Hey. - I thought you might be hungry,

so I brought you what are 100%,

definitely not, in no way birthday Cheez-Its.

Hmm, thank you.

I hope I wasn't acting too insane earlier.

No. On the one-year anniversary of my split, I lost it.

I've cleansed myself of everything John, except for one last thing.

The megayacht.

Oh, are you gonna get rid of that too?

Well, the yacht symbolizes everything that was wrong with my marriage.

It wasn't a gift for me. It was an excuse for John to show everyone

he could buy the biggest boat in the world.

Men, we are childish but also violent and stupid.

The good news is I have a buyer.

So, I was wondering if you could help me look over the final contract?

It's pretty complicated. Slip fees and tax contingencies.

You had me at "it's pretty complicated." I am in. So who's our target?

It's this Swedish billionaire Emil.

Our luxury boxes were next to each other at the Monaco Grand Prix.

Oh, what year was that? I might have just missed you.

Okay, funny guy. If you're gonna come with me,

there's gonna be a lot of rich-people talk.

So you're gonna have to keep the 'tude in check.

Hey, ladies love a rude dude with a 'tude.

[chuckles] I will not say that at the meeting.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah, I felt that. Yep. Okay.

Take a clipboard, everyone. We have important work to do today.

Ooh, a clipboard.

I feel so powerful. I persisted.

What we're doing today is... [chuckles] ...fieldwork.

Knocking on doors, shaking hands, listening to the people.

Ugh, meeting a bunch of weird randos,

watching their gross mouths tell boring stories

- about their dumb lives. Pass. - It's not optional.

The Space for Everyone hotel is almost complete.

We need the community on our side, so we're gonna visit local businesses

and ask them to sign statements of support.

I dusted off Marlene. She's been with me since Obama's Senate run.

Well, I love going door-to-door.

The variety of white people's reactions to me at their doorstep?

- Highly entertaining. - Oh, I hear you.

When I wander into their yards, white people also get real weird.

[Nicholas] I'm so sorry.

I still don't understand why you want me to be involved in this.

I mean, surely I'm too hot to be out there...

Oh, you want me out there because I'm hot.

Makes sense.

Very smart.

- You are a good leader. - [Howard] Mm-hmm.

[boat horn honks]

[seal barks]

[Arthur] It is kind of beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is. [sighs] Hard to argue with that.

Hey, when you have to go to the bathroom on a megayacht,

does it go straight into the ocean

or is it a get-rid-of-it-later-type situation?

- Wow, that's a great question. - [chuckles]

Um, I wasn't in charge of the sewage on the boat.

I asked to be, but they said no.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, it was really disappointing.

- [Arthur chuckles] - Totally.

- Molly. - Ah, Emil!

[in Swedish] How is your little boy's penis?

[in English] Ah... [chuckles] ...Molly, so cute.

You still know just enough Swedish to be confusing.

- Isn't that cute, Bjarke? - Ja.

That's enough, Bjarke.

In Sweden children are meant to be seen, not heard.

Oh, is... is he a child?

I'm 12.

And who is your friend? He's so handsome.

You look Swedish.

Oh, I-I'm not Swedish. Uh, pretty diverse background though.

Uh, Irish, Scottish, English and a little bit of Welsh.

I wonder how they all got together, right? [chuckles]

You are funny. I want to make a wig out of your hair.

- Um, so, how exciting is today, huh? - Mmm.

Let's just sign those contracts, and the boat's all yours.

I apologize, Molly, but I feel I need to walk through one more time.

[sighs] Emil, forgive me,

but you've walked through four times already.

But I was not in my little blue suit.

[chuckles] I never want to be clashing with anything.

Sure. I... [stammers]

- I understand it's a big decision. - Ja.

Um, all right. We'll wait.

Should not be long. Maybe just a couple hours, hmm?

Oh, enjoy Long Beach. Many interesting smells here. Hmm.

- Oh. - Go.

Bjarke, walk in front of me. I don't like American wind.

Make yourself bigger, so I don't feel it.

[sighing] Oh, God.

I was really, really looking forward to getting this over with.

Hey, you know, there's a mall down the street.

We could kill some time there.

A mall? Wow, really?

Yeah.

I haven't been to a mall in, like, 20 years.

Oh, well then we're definitely going. Come on, we'll get our steps in. Let's go.

Well, I've already got .2 miles. That's actually a record for me.

Come on.

Okay, fine. [sighs]

Okay, team, let's split up.

I thought we could make it a competition, see who gets more signatures.

[stammers] That's a motivation tactic I learned from a guy named David Axelrod.

No one knows who that is.

Oh, it's the guy who smashed watermelons with a sledgehammer.

Oh, that's not all he smashed.

[gasps] I have an idea. What if the teams were boys versus girls?

Every event at my church is boys versus girls.

Ainsley, what type of weird-ass church do you go to?

It's not weird.

It's just the Church of the Nine on Wilshire.

The nine what?

I don't know. That's what I'm trying to find out.

I really like that idea, Ainsley.

Okay, let's get started.

And you know what? Winner gets free ice cream on me.

What? Did you know I was just thinking about ice cream?

I mean, I haven't had any since this morning.

Yeah, I haven't had ice cream since I started dieting at age seven,

but I do like to win

because it is the only way to get people to like you. So I'm in.

We got this.

Oh, you guys don't stand a chance.

May the best team win.

- [chuckles] - Okay. That's us.

[chattering]

- Wow, I'm having major flashbacks. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[gasps] Oh, my God, Claire's.

Oh, I got so many rashes from their jewelry.

- [chuckles] Yes. - Aw, and Things Remembered.

I always wanted one of those engraved photo frames from there.

Oh, why didn't you get one?

Are you kidding? Those things cost, like, 30 bucks.

Do you know how many chokers from Claire's you could get with that?

God, isn't it comforting how malls are all the same?

- Yes. - You know, the lighting, the kiosks...

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - ...the packs of teens causing trouble.

Yeah. You know, I used to be one of those teens.

What? No way.

- I was a real rabble-rouser. - Oh, yeah?

I got kicked out of my local mall three times.

- [chuckles] For what? - [sighs] All sorts of messed-up stuff.

Once, I ran up the down escalator.

- Oh, sweet, innocent Arthur? No way. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

Well, Cindy Nguyen was the hottest girl in jazz band,

and she only went for the bad boys. So I had to serve it up.

- And that worked? - Yeah, absolutely. Women love a rebel.

[gasps] Ooh, look at these. I love this jeweled one.

And is... is this one a Warhol?

That's Chucky.

Well, he's a very powerful artist. It's very moving.

Molly! Check it out.

[Molly] Oh! [laughs]

- What are you doing? - I told you!

I'm a regular Arthur Fonzarelli.

Sir, I need you to step away from the escalator

and sit on the bench right now.

Oh, I'm s-so sorry. No, I didn't... didn't, um... Got it. Okay.

Oh, shit.

This should be easy. I used to live in this neighborhood in my early 20s,

and I was practically the mayor.

A mayor who did a shit ton of K

and lived with five subpar drag queens, but still.

I do not relate to your life, but I love how colorful it is.

Oh, hey, I know this guy. He's my friend Andy.

I'm sorry. What the hell do you think you're doing here?

Um, collecting signatures for a housing development.

- It's for poor people, but they're nice. - Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Um, sorry, am I missing something here?

Yeah, Nicholas and I dated.

And then he just completely ghosted me the same week my dog died.

Okay, you're being a little dramatic right now.

We were pretty serious for, like, six months.

And then one day you wouldn't answer my texts or my calls.

- Mmm. - I thought something happened to you.

I mean, I wouldn't say pretty serious.

We were sleeping with other people the whole time.

- I wasn't! - [Nicholas, Howard] Oh.

[scoffs]

[stammers] "Dear neighbor,

Space for Everyone is a dynamic housing solution for people in need"...

Okay. Both of you, get out.

Get out!

Hey, listen. I'm so sorry about what happened back there.

That guy was crazy. I don't know what his deal is.

- Total stalker vibes. - Mm-hmm.

- How dare you come into my juice bar? - Oh, Jesus.

Seriously?

Hey, you. [stammers] How are you, Daniel?

- It's Devon. - Okay.

Well, we don't have to be nerds about it.

We were supposed to go to Hawaii together,

and then you didn't show up at the airport.

- And you never answered your phone again. - Oh, come on.

Are you still upset about that?

Of course I am. I was gonna introduce you to my mother,

and then you just disappeared.

And now she still doesn't believe that I'm gay.

Really?

Hey, um, is there any world where you could see yourself signing this statement?

You know what? By the look on your face, I can tell it's a no. You have a good day.

Never come back in here.

- Oh, my God, Darren. It's not that bad... - For the love of God, it's Devon!

[juicer whirring]

Oh, okay.

I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be your dong.

- Ah, I get that. Let's get out of here. - Mm-hmm.

My friend, you are very lucky you got off with just a warning.

[chuckles] That security guard said

that escalators are the third leading cause of death in California.

Does that seem right?

[chuckles] I don't know.

- I love it here. God, I love a food court. - Mm-hmm.

- Classic America. - Mm-hmm.

- Diverse. Open to all. Fattening. - Mm-hmm.

[chuckles] I know. It's a shame kids don't come here anymore.

[chuckles]

Today was a lot of fun.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like we haven't had a chance to hang out like we used to.

Well, it's been a crazy year for all of us. I mean, especially you.

I guess I've just been sensitive about stuff lately.

Feel like I really messed up in Corsica with that whole John thing, you know.

Weren't you and I talking right before his helicopter swooped in?

Yep. [chuckles] I remember.

Ugh, that night was such a mistake.

I just hope people don't think less of me.

No. They don't.

Divorces are messy. Everybody knows that.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive.

You should not doubt yourself.

People love you.

You're so cool. You're easy to talk to.

You're funny.

You're perfect. [chuckles]

You know, like all women are perfect.

[clears throat] And they're strong.

And, you know, they slay the... the house down.

Thank you. On behalf of all women. [chuckles]

[chuckles] I'm gonna go throw away these Cinnabons

- before the sugar high kills us both. - Great idea.

- Look at my hand. [chuckles] - [chuckles]

[Arthur] No, after you, please.

Yeah. Oh, here. I got it. I got it. Yes. Absolutely.

Please. It's fine. Absolutely.

- Yes. You as well. - [phone buzzing]

Hi, Emil.

[stammers] Molly. Thank you for your patience.

I have good news. No more inspections. I'm taking the yacht.

I've signed the contracts, and I'll have them over right away.

Oh, wow, that is great news. Thank you, Emil.

I'm... I'm... I'm glad we could finally work this out.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Hang up, hang up. Ooh, a seal.

- Get your knives. - Ja.

Was that Emil?

Yes. This is crazy.

He said he needs a few more hours on the yacht before signing the contract.

- [scoffs] - Oh. What a turkey.

Total turkey.

So, I don't know.

I guess... I guess we got a few more hours to kill. [chuckles]

Where to first?

I've always wanted to go to a Hot Topic, but I've been too scared.

Ooh.

[speaking indistinctly]

We already have 63 signatures.

Well, 62. One person signed as Jeremy Penis.

Unless, that really was Jeremy Penis.

Feels so good to be back out on these streets.

The rush you get when someone says, "Sure, fine, whatever. I'll sign."

- [chuckles] Nothing beats it. - No.

- And how is Team Boys doing? - Oh, we're doing excellently. Thank you.

You know, a couple of kinks, but we'll be fine.

Good. Get back to work.

It seems like you've got some catch-up to do.

- [chuckles] - It's not a competition.

It literally is.

Because the winner gets ice cream. Cold and yummy. Brrr.

Why are you being like this today, Ainsley?

[chuckling] Later.

- [speaks indistinctly] - [Rhonda] I'm going in.

Okay. We have got to pick it up here.

Are you going to cause us any more problems?

It'll be fine. Let's just get going.

Oh, w-w-wait. Maybe not this store because... Um, no.

You and I need to have a talk.

Look, of course I want the ice cream.

But I feel like there's a bigger problem here.

Those guys were very upset.

Ugh, whatever. It's not my fault that people are obsessed with me, okay?

Does a gazelle get mad at a lion for eating another gazelle?

No. In the sexual ecosystem, there are predators and there are prey.

Are you calling yourself a sexual predator?

That's what gay dating is all about.

We annihilate each other emotionally and then move it along.

I think that's just an excuse.

I know that deep down under that 0% body fat is a very caring Nicky Bear

that knows he hurt those guys.

- I don't know. I guess. - Mm-hmm.

- Don't call me Nicky Bear. - Okay.

But I think we both know what you need to do.

You need to go in there and apologize.

Ugh, I knew you'd use the A-word.

It'll make you feel better. There's power in vulnerability.

And there is sexiness in detachment.

And there is deliciousness in ice cream.

All right. Fine. But only because I don't want Ainsley to win.

- Sir. You called for a cab? - [cow moos]

I'm here to take you to Express Men.

[chuckles] I'm sorry. This is a cow. I requested a zebra.

Yes. The zebra died. It drank a bad Orange Julius.

So this is all we've got.

Okay. Well, you'll have to give me a discount for that.

Hey, those rides are for children. You again?

Ma'am, I'ma need you to please disembark from the cow.

No way, man.

Come on, let's scatter. Hop on!

- Go, go, go, go. - Bye.

- [chuckling] I'm trying. - [chuckles] Floor it!

See you, sucker.

- He's right behind me. - [Molly] He is? Is he walking or running?

- [Arthur] Uh, he's walking slowly. - [cow moos]

[speaks indistinctly]

Excuse me, just one second.

No. No, no, no. No.

Hey, Andy, please. Please, just give us a chance here.

Nicholas has something important he needs to say to you.

Okay, fine.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for ghosting you.

You didn't deserve that. You... You didn't do anything wrong.

You were a great guy, and it is all my fault.

Mm-hmm.

The truth is, I really did like you.

And I think that's where the problem is, because I got scared.

And so I think I preemptively broke up with you

so I wouldn't have to face the fear of rejection.

- Which is in many ways the fear of death. - Mmm.

You know what? I think this all started with my grandfather.

He was the only person in my life who truly understood me.

So it was really hard when I watched him fall through that ice.

Okay, I think we can wrap this up here.

He froze to death obviously. And so did I, emotionally.

And you know what the crazy thing is? I lost my virginity that same day.

So now whenever I see an old, bald white man,

I get this incredible sense of loss mixed with horniness and...

[stammers] I think we might be done here. [chuckles]

Uh, Andy, could you sign this for us?

Yeah.

[chuckles] Thank you, Andy.

You were right. I do feel pretty good. I feel lighter.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it started off great.

Got a little global, but we'll keep working on it.

- How can you just be texting right now? - Hmm?

- Aren't you worried? - No, it's gonna be fine.

Molly, we're in the back office.

What happened to that rebel I saw running up the down escalator?

He grew up, and he has a daughter he wants to see graduate from high school.

Ms. Wells, I am so, so sorry this happened.

[stammers] Obviously, you're free to go.

Can we get you a ride home?

Oh, no, no, not at all. Thank you, Thomas. That will be fine.

We will see ourselves out.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Okay. Who is that guy? What just happened?

Well, we are not in trouble anymore.

Everything has been resolved because I bought the mall.

What?

This is all mine.

You can just... Wait, can you do that?

Yeah. I mean, malls aren't doing so great right now.

So everyone is very happy.

[chuckles] That's incredible.

Do you get to rename it?

- Hmm. - Oh, my gosh. Could we live here?

Well, I'm not going to live here.

But I am gonna renovate it and keep everyone here working,

because we need malls. They're awesome.

- You know what you could rename it? - Hmm?

Mally's.

[clicks tongue] Aw. We're not gonna do that.

Okay. Maybe it's just the way I said it.

Wow.

Okay, it's getting late. I think we should call it.

On the count of three, let's say how many signatures we got.

One, two, three.

- Three hundred and nine. - One.

Excuse me, did you just say "one"?

Oh, you heard correctly.

But we accomplished something much more important.

You see, Nicholas here learned about himself and grew as a person.

And isn't that what this whole thing was really about?

Not at all. Ladies, ice cream's on me.

- Ah! - Oh, no. Come on, Sofia. That's cruel.

[sighs] Okay. You guys get ice cream too.

But I want you to know this is a pity ice cream

that's coming in a cup without toppings.

I can live with that.

Wow. What's with all the ice cream?

Oh, this is not ice cream for your birthday.

No. This is ice cream because we all did equally well at canvassing.

That's not true.

[stammers] Where have you two been all day?

Well, first, I sold the yacht, and then I purchased a mall.

- Oh, that's fun. - [Sofia] Mmm.

We met somebody named Jeremy Penis.

Oh, okay. Well, sounds like we all had a pretty good day.

You know, maybe we should do something for my birthday.

We're all here together. It could just be something small.

Yes! I knew you'd come around.

That is why I didn't cancel my backup plan.

Luxury box seats at Caesars. We are seeing Mariah Carey live in Vegas.

- Take those ice creams to go, people. - [Howard] You heard the man.

Now, this cup's looking good now, isn't it, cone people?

Enjoy dripping on yourselves.

["Fantasy" playing]

- Hey. You coming? - [Arthur sighs]

As much as I would love to go see Mariah, I have to pick up my daughter.

[sighs] Of course. I understand.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

When we were back at the mall,

I may have snuck off and gotten you something at Things Remembered.

I assumed the guy behind the counter knew how to spell Molly

- and I was wrong. - [chuckles]

[Arthur chuckles]

I love it. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Have fun in Vegas. And I hope you have an awesome birthday.

I already did. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Hey. What are you doing? We got three hours before the concert,

and I need at least an hour to get down to my goal weight for Mimi.

- We gotta go. - [sighs] Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

["Emotions" playing]