Original subtitles

[gasps] What are you doing here, Carlos?

I'm here to take you. All of you, Joanna.

You've got to get out of here.

My husband, the mayor, will be here any second.

I don't care if I lose my job on the railroad project.

I can't get last night out of my mind, or the taste of you out of my mouth.

You think I don't want this too? I ache for your manhood.

Then lose the dress.

I wanna see the curve of your breast in the moonlight...

[inhales sharply] ...and feel the heat of your body against mine.

Don't you fucking fall in love with me!

[whispers] Too late.

[normal voice] And that's the scene.

- Oh, my God, that was so good! - Mmm. Thank you.

[inhales deeply] I mean, the writing? Wow.

But more importantly, you are incredible.

I really believed you were a former gigolo who got into city planning.

The part is just so complex, right?

I... Every time I read the script, I have more questions.

- Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. - That's gotta be a good sign, right?

I cannot wait to see you in this play.

I mean, I have invited everyone in my life.

My gym friends, my yoga frenemies, my lesbian dentist,

my stalkers and the people I'm stalking.

Oh, that is so great.

And what about your family? Are your parents coming?

Um, no. They're way out in Indiana.

It's probably... [inhales sharply] ...way too big of a hassle.

But that does remind me, I should probably invite my sugar daddy.

[inhales deeply] I wonder if the theater is wheelchair-accessible.

Ooh, can we do the next scene? It is so good.

Yes. You're topless, I'm bottomless, and we're in an abandoned train yard.

- Feel free to slap me for real. [chuckles] - Oh, I will.

Carlos! I have news.

I'm pregnant.

- And it's your twin brother's baby! - No!

[hip-hop song playing]

[song ends]

Okay, Howard, why don't you update us

on the broadband cost at the Space for Everyone property?

Absolutely.

[stammers] Happy to.

[sighs]

What is this?

Oh, well, full disclosure,

- it's not quite finished. - [scoffs] It's not done at all.

You didn't even finish the word "presentation."

Oh. [stammers] Well, I was about to type the N, and then the meeting was starting,

and you told us to never be late.

So in many ways, this is your fault.

Howard, you need to take this seriously.

Space for Everyone is a huge project.

We all need to be at the top of our games. This needs to get done.

Yes, ma'am.

[cell phones buzzing, chiming]

[giggles]

[Howard inhales sharply]

Sofia... [stammers] ...what notification did you just get?

It's a news alert. It's about a typhoon that's about to hit Burma.

You fist-pumped a typhoon about to hit Burma?

Yes, in solidarity with the Burmese people.

Hmm.

Hey, hey. We have got to talk. Something very intriguing is happening.

I think Sofia is a Swiftie.

- [gasps] Oh, my God. - Oh, I actually know what that is.

My daughter is a huge Taylor Swift fan.

I gotta say, I like all those songs about not letting the haters get you down.

[groans] It's actually more frustrating

when you know a little bit about something instead of your typical nothing.

Okay. So why do you think she's a Swiftie?

Well, that notification Ainsley and I got earlier

was a Taylor Swift verified-fan presale code.

And Sofia's phone dinged at the exact same time.

Then suddenly she sends us a email saying we have July 12th off out of nowhere.

Which is the exact date Taylor Swift is playing at SoFi Stadium.

Sofia's going to that concert.

Okay, that's pretty good evidence, but what's the big deal?

- So she likes Taylor Swift? - Exactly. Why would she lie about it?

I mean, what type of game is she playing here?

I mean, Sofia's a very private person.

Shouldn't you just be working on your presentation?

Oh, she would love that...

wouldn't she?

[chuckles]

How about we kill him with this dagger I'm holding

and then fuck for the rest of our lives?

Knock, knock. Where is my genius future-EGOT?

Oh, my God. [chuckles] Thank you so much. These are beautiful.

They're bigger than my entire apartment.

There's somebody else here too.

- What? - Your parents!

Surprise!

Oh, my God. [chuckles] Mom. Dad.

I called them right after we talked and offered to send the jet for them,

and then they refused and said they'd drive here.

All the way from Indiana?

No, yeah. We took the I-70 to the I-44, then the I-40 to the I-15 to the I-10.

From there it's basically a straight shot.

Hmm.

They sure don't give you much room back here.

Yeah, well, Mom, it's just a small play.

Well, your parents are staying for a couple days.

I offered my house, but they said they wanted to stay in a hotel in...

Panorama City.

From here you just take I-101 to the I-170 and then exit at Roscoe Boulevard West.

Pretty much a straight shot after that.

[inhales deeply] Ah.

We're gonna go to our seats, honey.

Yeah. See you after.

[inhales sharply] I know it was a crazy swing,

but I'm just so proud of you. You're so good.

Molly, my parents are super conservative.

This play is not their thing.

There are only, like, three scenes that aren't sex scenes.

Well, who cares if it's their thing?

It's your thing, and that's all that should matter.

- Yeah, okay, I... I need to run lines. - Of course. Oh, my gosh.

[inhales sharply] Don't let me get in the way of your process. [kisses]

- [kisses] - Be brilliant. [chuckles]

Oh, are you in the play too? Oh, you're doing costumes. All right.

[actor 1] What did you say to me, you limp-dicked cocksucker?

Oh, you better watch your step, asshole, or one day someone will take you out

to Vengeance Falls.

[whispers] That's the name of the play.

[actor 1 gasps] What are you doing here, Carlos?

- I'm here to take you. - [gasps]

All of you, Joanna.

Take you into town to get an ice-cream cone.

[Joanna stammers] You've gotta get out of here.

My husband, the mayor, will be here any second.

I don't care if I get fired from the railroad project.

I can't get you out of my mind.

You and me, watching Everybody Loves Raymond on your couch.

And then I went home, alone.

[whispering] What are you doing? Those aren't the lines.

[Nicholas] Let me look at you.

Let me see the... the curve of your heaving smile in the moonlight,

and-and feel the heat of that smile from-from over here.

Don't you fucking fall in love with me!

You sh-shouldn't swear so much.

[exhales shakily] Oh, God.

[scattered applause]

More plates?

David Chang is serving elevated Indiana cuisine

because you are elevated "Indianianianianans."

So what we have here is a deconstructed tuna casserole.

Deconstructed?

So, uh, you took it apart and now I have to put it back together?

And another F-minus, David Chang. Congrats.

Go get us some Applebee's curbside or something.

That play, Nicholas.

I mean, oh, my God, what a tour de force.

And Carlos Wu is such a layered character.

I think you just nailed it.

Oh, was that the character's name?

[inhales sharply] We got a great parking spot right out front,

uh, probably 20, 25 feet from the door.

Speaking of parking, a lot of people have been going to the Krogers lately.

- [smacks lips] Oh, really? - They're doing free samples again.

[chuckles] We got some sausage there the other day.

You know who I saw there? Susan Reed.

You went to middle school with her niece Kayla.

What was Kayla's last name?

Honey, what was Kayla's last name?

- Reed. [sighs] - Oh, that's right. Same as her aunt.

That makes sense.

Uh, Nicholas,

have you told your parents about your callback for your commercial?

Yeah, no, I... I didn't mention it to them.

- [Molly] What? - It's not a big deal, you know?

[inhales sharply] Even though it was national or whatever.

Did I tell you we got a new tractor?

[chuckles] Oh, she's a beaut. Purrs like a kitten.

You know who can till the Hades out of some soil?

- Nicholas. - Yeah, of course I was good at tilling.

I'm good at everything.

Little Nicky. He was put on God's green earth to farm.

Anytime you wanna try out the new tractor, I could always use another set of hands.

No, it's not gonna happen.

Okay, every time we talk, we have the same conversation. I'm done tilling.

I'm never coming back. Okay? Ever.

[sighs]

Kayla's back at the bank now.

Okay, you know what? I think my parents are tired.

It's been a long day. I should probably get them back to the hotel.

Yeah. [clears throat]

- Thank you so much. - Of course. Anytime.

Oh, and by the way, I couldn't figure out how to flush your toilet.

Okay.

[stammers] Do you need something, Howard?

No, I just wanted to apologize about the other day.

See, I feel terrible about it, and I'm really hoping we can both just

shake it off.

Okay, sure.

Good.

'Cause I don't want there to be any bad blood between us, baby.

Have you started your presentation yet?

I know you're a Taylor Swift fan,

I know you're going to that concert July 12th,

and now all I need to know is why you're hiding it.

What? Is this why you've been acting so weird?

Oh, I'm the one who's been acting weird?

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't listen to Taylor Swift.

I listen to podcasts about systemic racism and urban decay.

No, see, it's okay. I'm a Swiftie too. We can put on Red

and see how many songs we can make it through without crying.

My record is two and a quarter.

Howard, enough of this. You need to get back to work.

And you need to calm down.

I know you didn't just tell a woman to calm down.

No, you... "You Need To Calm Down" is a Swift song.

I'm still doing the song title thing. I th... I thought you knew that.

Uh, I'm still my sweet self. [stammers] Your hair looks lovely.

- Thank you. Get back to work. - Yes, ma'am.

[Molly] Mmm.

[Nicholas sighs]

Hey. I'm sorry about last night. I know things got a little awkward.

Hmm. Uh, we don't have to talk about it.

Well, yes, but we could.

I mean, I'm here for you if you'd like to unpack it with me.

[clicks tongue] Okay, um,

let's unpack the fact that you invited my parents out here

to see an extremely sexual play without asking me.

I thought it would be a nice surprise.

You've always told me that you have a good relationship with your parents.

We do.

My parents and I are fine, as long as we stick to safe topics like Krogers,

Kayla, who has cancer.

They do not want me to be an actor, okay?

I've tried to explain myself to them many times,

and it's not worth it, so I just stopped.

Well, I'm sorry, Nicholas, but I don't think that's very healthy.

Healthy. What is healthy?

Okay, I... I train like an Avenger,

but I'm functionally addicted to ketamine, so the word "healthy" is meaningless.

Look, one thing I've learned on my SJ, spiritual journey,

is that you have to open yourself up to difficult emotions. With your parents.

It's the only way you'll grow.

It's not easy, but if you get up every day and put the work into it like I do,

- you'll see some benefits. - [snorts] Okay.

What was that snort?

Ugh.

Are you literally gonna stand there and lecture me about putting in the work

when any of the work you've ever done is actually being done by 25 other people,

- including me? - What? That is not true.

When was the last time you were alone?

When I went to the bathroom, an hour ago.

Oh, wait, that's not true. Marisol was there to dry my hands.

Exactly. Why can't you just admit that if we left you alone,

you would fall apart within minutes?

[scoffs] That is ridiculous.

I don't need any help.

In fact, why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I'll ask the entire house staff to take the day off too.

And the kitchen staff

and the aquarium staff.

- Oh... Okay, you're really gonna do that? - I'm really gonna do that.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

- Great. - Nice.

- Wonderful. - Hang ten.

Very cool.

- [as Borat] Very nice! - [as Austin Powers] Yeah, baby!

[normal voice] Okay, I'm gonna go.

Okay, let's get started.

Howard, the broadband presentation please.

Absolutely.

- Oh, no. - You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

What you are seeing before you are the five personal days Sofia Salinas

has taken off in the eight years she's worked here.

As you can see,

every one of her absences lines up exactly with a Tay-specific event.

August 29, 2015,

the same day Taylor plays Petco Park in San Diego.

We see Sofia is both absent on August 18th and 19th of 2017,

a time known in our community as the "Great Panic,"

when Taylor wiped her entire social media presence clean

to prepare for a new beginning.

Enough. Why are you doing this?

To help you be true to yourself.

I know you gave us July 12th off because you are going to that concert.

Thank you. I have no further questions.

Do you wanna know what I'm doing on July 12th? [sighs]

Hmm.

My great-aunt Lucia is having heart surgery.

She is wonderful, mi tía.

She helped raise me, so I'm going to New Jersey to be with her.

I didn't want to talk about it because it is a little upsetting. [inhales sharply]

But that is the truth.

Sorry to hear that, Sofia.

- Yeah, me too. - [Sofia sighs]

[speaking Spanish]

[in English] Oh. Okay.

Gracias, Ainsley.

Howard, is there any chance you did the real presentation?

Honestly, I saw that all going very differently, so no.

Everyone, I have an announcement to make.

I'm giving you all the night off.

- Is everything okay? - Yes, everything is fine.

I just feel like flying solo tonight.

So, everyone, go home, live your lives.

Friends, family, go to a burger restaurant.

Enjoy.

Ms. Molly, is it the Russians?

Are they making you be alone so they can kidnap you?

No. No, Marisol. It is not the Russians.

If it were the Russians,

I would say our secret security word, which I can't remember.

Pineapple.

- No, but it is something that you eat. - It's "saxophone."

Great. Well, then, thank you.

And now, everybody, scram.

- [sighs] - Beat it. Go. Go on. Go home.

[chuckles] You rascals. Aw, you guys.

[clicks tongue, inhales deeply] Okay, let's see here.

[gasps]

Fuck, yeah.

Night mode activated.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

[vacuum whirring]

[singsongy] Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

[microwave beeps]

Mmm.

Fuck, yeah.

[doorbell rings]

- Howard, what are you doing here? - [stammers] I just came to apologize.

Uh, I felt so bad about making you bring up that stuff about your aunt,

so I stayed at work late to finish the presentation.

Oh, all right. Well, I appreciate you finally finishing it.

And I wanted to get you an Edible Arrangement,

but they couldn't finish it in time. So, I tried to make you one myself.

Thank you.

I was wrong for calling you a Swiftie.

I just got excited about us maybe having something in common.

I've worked with you for a while now, and I still feel like I barely know you.

[sighs]

And I just thought it would be cool for us to like the same thing, 'cause...

[stammers] ...girl, you know I look up to you.

But I took it way too far. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

I'll go put this in the fridge and throw it away tomorrow.

That's a good idea.

There's actually some bubble gum in the bottom if you want a prize.

Hmm.

We did it, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

[fire alarm chirps]

What the hell?

[chirps]

Huh.

[chirps]

Be right back. Stay there.

[chirps]

[chirps]

[mutters, strains, grunts]

Fuck, no.

- [exhales sharply, shouts] - [chirps]

- Care to explain this? - Explain what?

Why you have the collectible green vinyl pressing

of Taylor Swift's Evermore hidden in a Marvin Gaye jacket?

That is not mine. I'm holding it for a friend.

Her name is Dakota.

- She is white. - Oh, it's white Dakota's Evermore?

Well, then you won't mind if I start going through these Kendrick Lamar records...

- Oh, okay. All right. - ...and see what's really going on.

You know what? You're right. [stammers] I'm a Swiftie.

I knew it. I knew we could smell our own.

But what about your great-aunt Lucia?

Oh, Howard. Don't be so naive. No one has a great-aunt.

They only exist when you're trying to get out of work or a term paper.

But why would you lie?

I mean, there is nothing to be ashamed of loving the most visionary lyricist

- of our generation. - Oh, that is easy for you to say.

But people would judge me.

I am a 32-year-old Afro-Latina trying to be taken seriously.

People are always looking to question my authority.

I wish it wasn't true, but you and I both know that is the truth.

I never really thought of it like that.

I mean, do you think I like hiding these?

Do you think I like creating a fake end-of-the-year playlist

and slapping jazz on it?

You don't have to do that anymore, because now I know.

And you know I'll never tell anybody.

I promise. I Swiftie swear.

Is that a real thing?

It is now.

Hmm.

[chuckles] You know, since I'm here, maybe you wanna put on Midnights,

- and we can discuss the "Karma" theory. - Oh, my God.

Please don't get me started on that goddamn clock.

- [chuckles] - Uh, okay, Midnights.

Ah, that will be in the Coltrane section.

Oh, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. [chuckles]

- Mm-hmm. Yes, I did. - Girl, you are wild.

["Don't Sweat the Technique" playing]

[grunting]

- [chirps] - [groans]

- [chirps] - [groans]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ye...

You suck!

[groans]

[music stops]

[chirps]

[swallows, exhales deeply]

[music continues]

[laughs]

- [chirps] - [groans]

Stop beeping.

Why?

[cries] Please stop beeping.

- [chirps] - [groans]

- [chirps] - [groans]

- [chirps] - [shouting] What the fuck?

[music stops]

[chuckles] I beat you!

I beat you, smoke detector!

[door creaks]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[breathing heavily]

"Enter code to access door."

I don't know the code. I don't know the code!

I don't know the code. [whimpers]

[chirps]

[music continues]

- [chirps] - You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

[Nicholas] Molly... [stammers] ... are you okay?

Nicholas, is that you?

[Nicholas sighs] Yeah, I'm right outside. I... I get an alert

whenever the panic room locks. I... I thought you might need me.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't do anything by myself.

Hey, that is not true.

You completely destroyed the kitchen by yourself.

[sighs] I'm such a mess.

Well, at least you're trying.

Can you imagine if you were a sane, well-adjusted person?

You'd be so boring.

"Uh, my name's Julia Miller

and I'm gonna eat a salad with dressing on the side

and then go to the gym."

"And I'm gonna go home

and see my tall husband and my twins, Audrey and Michael."

- Ugh, fuck that. Fuck Julia Miller! - Fuck Julia Miller.

I would quit on the spot. You are so much more fun.

- [keypad beeping] - [door opens]

[gasps, whimpers] Oh. [inhales sharply]

I never wanna fight again.

Hey. We never will.

I'm sorry I tried to give you advice about your parents.

God. What the hell do I know?

It's not like you were wrong. I mean, you saw us.

We are not good about talking about our feelings.

They're very Midwestern, and I'm Midwestern and Asian,

which basically means it's like a repression Olympics.

[chuckles]

I'm so sorry.

It's just, I like to pretend that I don't care

what they think about me, but... [inhales shakily]

- ...sometimes I... I d... - [Molly clicks tongue]

[Molly] I'm done giving advice.

[sniffles] But just know, I'm here for you no matter what.

Thank you.

I'd love to keep hugging,

but I really have to go to the bathroom.

There's so much wine in the panic room and nowhere to pee.

Oh.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Do you remember where it is?

Is it this way?

No.

[breathes sharply]

Hey, Dad. Uh, listen.

I know you and Mom are leaving tomorrow,

but I feel like we didn't get enough time to talk while you were here.

So I was sort of hoping I could take you guys out to dinner.

Sure.

Great.

Uh, I actually really wanted to tell you about this commercial that I booked.

It's for Lipitor. I play a supportive waiter.

Oh. I... I've heard of Lipitor. Your uncle Terry is on Lipitor.

Margs. Uh, is Terry on Lipitor?

Oh, he's on everything.

Hey, Nicholas wants to take us to dinner.

- Works for me. - [chuckles]

[stammers] You know, I actually passed a pretty great-looking diner

on the way over here.

[stammers] You just go up Victory, a right on Moorpark,

and then basically a straight shot.

["Harder Than You Think" playing]