Original subtitles

.

# What'll I do

# When you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Let's give the radio a go, then.

(R'N'B MUSIC)

(GIGGLES) Sharon, please!

Would you stop that? (WHIRRING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, Dor, it's got reclining seats.

(GIGGLES) That'll come in handy.

Ooh.

Someone didn't go to finishing school.

And what would you know about finishing school?

Plenty.

On my 15th birthday, I went home and I said to Tracey,

I said 'Tracey, I'm finishing school.'

(LAUGHS)

So how comes you can afford this, anyway?

I'm suddenly big in the Pacific Rim.

My book's taken off in Korea and the Philippines

and I'm huge in Thailand.

I think we all are to them.

Oh, Jeremy, hi.

Ms Green, welcome. Dorien, please.

Of course. Dorien. And this is my...

..Sharon.

I have to say

she's one of the prettiest little run-arounds I've ever seen.

Oi! Flatterer.

And I love this.

What's the technical term again?

The power bulge.

Oh, yes.

The power bulge.

So, er, if everything's in order...

I was hoping you could be a little more, erm, flexible?

We're making very little profit on this car as it is.

Oh, yeah, they've already slashed it from ten grand.

But if it helps, I can throw in a set of velour floor mats.

Oh, yeah. They'll keep your knees warm in the winter, Dor.

Ah, this is the life, Dor.

And you can even do the roof as you're driving along.

Sharon, you've caught my hair!

Plenty more where that came from.

No, in the roof, you idiot!

Open it! (GRUNTS) Open it!

I'm trying, but I'm not sure if it's the same button.

And look out! (TYRES SCREECH)

Sorry.

You all right, Dor? Do I look all right?

(GROANS)

She's having a bad hair day.

(GRUNTS)

(DOOR CLOSES) You could have killed us, Trace.

What's happened? Oh, nothing (!)

Your mother tried to ram raid my new car

and your aunt tried to scalp me.

You want me to glue it back on, Dor?

Mum was giving me a driving lesson, although she wouldn't let me drive.

I just didn't think it was safe for you to reverse onto the street.

And what you did was safe, was it, Trace?

It can't be as bad as when Dad tried to teach me.

Why? Did he make you speed up every time you saw a policeman?

No, he made me slow down every time we saw a bank.

Look, we'll have another go tomorrow. No, we will not.

Right, take it out when the timer goes, Mum,

and I'll be back after work to help you eat it.

Laters, potatoes.

I don't suppose you'd give me some lessons, Dor?

Er, well, I would like to keep my new car unscathed a little longer.

I'm not a beginner.

I've already failed one test.

No way. It's out of the question.

Why? Because I say so.

Mum, why do you hate me so much?

How can you say that? I do your cooking, your washing,

I sewed up the holes in the knees of those jeans -

Exactly.

Erm, why is it out of the question, Tracey?

Because it's a powerful sports car.

If anything happens, well, your reflexes might not be -

There's nothing wrong with my reflexes.

I managed to avoid a blonde bimbo in a Mini, didn't I?

Why don't you just come out with it?

You don't trust me with your precious son.

What was all that about?

Jeremy Kyle - everyone knows that.

WOMAN ON TV: Jeremy Corbyn? MAN: Correct.

That's who I meant.

Have you seen Travis? Yeah.

Skinny kid, sulks a lot. Why?

I can't find him anywhere, or Dorien.

Where have you two been?

What's going on?

Travis, look me in the eye

and tell me you ain't been out driving with Miss Daisy.

Well?

I'll go to my room, then, shall I?

I've got a huge pile of fan mail to answer.

Not as huge as the pile you're in down here.

You took him driving behind my back, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Yes, I did, but it won't happen again. You have my word.

Why? What's happened?

Travis drove down a bus lane and we were stopped by a policeman.

Oh, my God.

As the responsible driver, I've got one week to present my licence

and insurance at the nearest police station. Yeah?

I hope they take it away. That's what I'm frightened of.

It's still got my old address. So?

So it's invalid.

Which means I could get £1,000 fine,

be banned from driving and go to prison!

Well, as long as you don't over-react.

Why didn't you just change your address when you moved in here?

Because when you renew your licence,

you have to renew your photograph too.

Oh, I get it.

You vain old trout.

Well, what's so special about your photo?

Is that you?

It's looks like Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind.

It's all blurry.

Well, top photographers use Vaseline

to achieve a timeless, ethereal quality.

In your case, Sharon, I doubt a tub of Swarfega would suffice.

Well, why don't you just get a new one?

There's a photo booth down World Of Quid. Oh, don't be ridiculous. What?

The bright, pitiless lights, searching out every blemish,

every wrinkle, every straggly hair?

I think you're meant to keep your clothes on, Dor.

Hang about!

What?

When's Dorien's birthday?

I don't know. Why?

Exactly. Has she ever had a birthday, since we've known her?

You know you have to renew your driving licence when you hit 70.

70?

She can't be.

One way to find out.

'Foxy Cohen, British erotic novelist and agony aunt.

Real name Dorien Green.

Born Colindale, London 1929'.

Blimey, that makes her...81, 82, 83... Er, no, no, I did that.

Sorry?

I went on Wikipedia and fiddled with her entry.

Well, what was her age before you fiddled?

Well, it said 37,

which makes me believe that Dorien got to Wikipedia before I did.

How are we going to find out the truth?

Simple. I'll ask her.

Don't worry.

I'll be tactful.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Go away!

(DOOR OPENS)

So, you're 70, then?

I should have known that sports car was a birthday present to yourself.

And why not?

I mean, survive to you're 70, and the way you've burned your candle,

I mean, that's an achievement Bear Grylls would be proud of.

If you've quite finished, I'd like some privacy.

No, that's not how it works, Dor.

It's banter.

There's no point me having a go at you if you don't have a go back.

Maybe another time.

Look every week, thousands of 70-year-olds renew their licences.

What are you afraid of?

Because I let Travis enter a bus lane.

It happens. So what?

I should have seen the sign.

Suppose I can't pass the eye test?

Suppose they make me... wear glasses?

Glasses ain't the end of the world, Dor.

No, but they bring it into focus.

I don't get it.

I mean, if I was your age - I'm not my age.

..I'd push the boat out.

I mean, any birthday that ends in a zero

deserves to be celebrated, big time.

A party? Over your dead body!

There you go. Banter.

That's more like the old Dor.

I don't mean old - Oh, just get out, Sharon!

.

.

Come on, Trace. It'll be a laugh.

I can't wait to see Dorien's face.

As they nail the coffin shut.

The shock'll kill her.

If it does, I take full responsibility.

Go on, Trace, talk to Barry before she comes downstairs.

Well, what if he don't go for it? Course he will.

Detective Sergeant Boyfriend'll do anything

to worm his way back into your good books.

Among other places.

(SKYPE-STYLE CONNECTING BEEPS)

Hello, Tracey. Long time no see.

It's been a while hasn't it, Barry?

I was gonna ask if you could do me a little favour? Yeah, of course.

Actually, it's quite a big one.

Anything for you.

See?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, so that's the plan, Barry. Got to go.

I'm gonna make a pot of liquorice tea, if anyone's interested.

No, thanks. It tastes like pants.

How do you know?

Long story.

Erm, I'm sorry about before.

I know you meant well, Sharon, in your clumsy, tactless way.

Banter.

No, accuracy.

Well, this will cheer you up, Dor. I've just been speaking to Barry

and he reckons that thousands of older people forget to renew their licences.

As long as you take your paperwork down to his cop shop within seven days,

he doubts there'll be any further action.

Oh, Tracey.

So just don't take Travis driving again, OK?

I won't, I promise.

And maybe I was a little hasty in dismissing the idea of a party out of hand.

Really? I suppose I was a little overwhelmed at the thought of

a huge, elaborate celebration, with caterers and champagne,

all my friends, relatives, admirers, fans...

Don't worry, Dor, we won't do anything like that.

(LAUGHS)

Banter.

Right, you can open your eyes now, Dor.

(TOOTS)

Ready, boys?

(BALLAD MUSIC)

# There's no-one quite like Grandma

# We know you will agree

# She always is a friend to you

# And she's a friend to me

Very funny. Can we stop it? # There's no-one quite like... #

Thank you. (GIGGLES)

So is this where my friends jump out and shout, 'Surprise'?

No way, we know you'd hate that.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Anyone fancy a sausage roll?

Sharon! Sorry, I forgot.

Right, let's do presents.

I've got you something to wear.

Oh, thank you, Tracey.

They're support hose, but you can't tell.

And this is for your car to wear.

(GIGGLES)

'Elderly driver...'

'..please be patient.'

Garth and I got something between us.

Can you guess what it is?

Ooh. One more. One more.

And what indignity are you about to perpetrate, Sharon?

Go on, then. Open it. You know what?

I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

I bet it's the first time you've ever said that.

I'll open it for you. I'll open it for you.

Matching incontinence pads, panties and liners.

I call it the piss de resistance.

(LAUGHTER)

Right. Time for some magic.

Ooh. Is someone going to make Sharon disappear?

Banter.

Dorien Green, I would like you to pick a card, any card.

Memorise it and hand it to my glamorous assistant, Tracey.

Mum, tear it up and put it in the bin.

I've seen this, it's brilliant.

Dorien, do you remember what your card was?

Yeah, I'm not senile.

The five of clubs. Right.

(Spades, hearts, diamonds, clubs. One, two, three, four, five.)

Ta-dah! Woo!

(CHEERING)

(DOORBELL RINGS) That's amazing.

Well, it would be, if there weren't the same number of sausage rolls as there are cards in a pack.

Oh, yeah.

Dor, someone to see you.

Oh, girls!

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Hello, handsome, and who might you be?

There's no 'might be' about it.

I'm Police Constable David Montgomery,

and I'm looking for a Ms Dorien Green.

You've found her.

Normally, I find strippergrams tawdry and dated

but, this one, I like.

I'll have to ask you to desist.

Oh, if you say so, 'constable'.

You were in charge of a vehicle driving down a bus lane, on Wednesday last. Yeah.

And you've since failed to produce your driving licence and insurance at a police station. Boring.

Get your kit off!

Oh.

Nice truncheon, by the way.

It's a nightstick. Ooh. Ooh. Even better.

If you don't stop that, I will be forced to deploy handcuffs. Ooh.

Is that a promise?

(GIGGLES)

(POLICE RADIO)

It's absurd, arresting me for such a trivial oversight.

There is nothing trivial about interfering with a police officer's personal equipment.

Thank God.

Barry, help me!

Dorien, what are you doing here?

Ms Green failed to produce her driving licence.

I've still got three days!

As you know, Guv, the Commissioner is cracking down on white collar crime,

especially by the elderly.

Elderly?

I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding, Constable.

I can vouch for Ms Green. She's a law-abiding pensioner.

She's a liberty-taking cougar.

She went for my nightstick.

Just do me a favour, Dave, and draw a veil, all right?

Promise you didn't see me home just because I'm elderly?

No. I just wanted to make sure you didn't get into any more trouble.

If only.

Hello?

I'm back.

Hello.

They couldn't even be bothered to wait up for me.

Oh, wait a minute. What was that? What?

(Ssh. She's coming. Ssh. Ssh. Ssh.) (Keep it down.)

ALL: Surprise!

(GIGGLES)

(CHEERING) Woo!

Gotcha! You've been had.

Frequently.

Thanks, Barry.

Champagne, Miss Green? Ye...

So you are a strippergram.

No, I'm a real copper.

You try living in London on a policeman's pay.

So your mum tells me you need someone calm

to teach you how to drive. You?

Really?

Can we use the siren?

On second thoughts...

This calls for a few words.

Oh, if you insist.

Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen... (TAPS GLASS)

..what can I say about Dorien Green

that you haven't already read on the back of a toilet door?

(LAUGHTER) Not from you.

Go on, Dor. Go on, Dor.

(CHEERING) Woo-woop.

Friends, colleagues, fans, lovers,

past, ooh, present...

..and, please God, future.

Sharon, Tracey...

I can't.

Aaaah.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Course you can.

You're the centre of attention, you'll love it.

But what happens when it's all over?

Don't worry, we'll clear up.

No, I mean when this is all over?

The plastic surgeon will pump 'em back up again.

Don't you think I know how absurd this charade is?

Every year, every week, it takes longer just to be me.

The make-up, the hair, the clothes...

And just recently, I've asked myself why do I do it?

So you can get your leg over?

It was a rhetorical question, Sharon.

Then stop doing it.

Just grow old gracefully.

We've bought you all the kit.

I don't want to end up in a residential establishment

for the independent elderly.

Can can you imagine Foxy Cohen, alone,

abandoned, surrounded by dribblers?

Don't be daft. That's not going to happen to you.

Isn't it? Course not. We'll take care of you. Yeah.

I'll puree your prunes and Sharon can wipe your bum.

Hang on! Why can't I do her prunes?

Look, you don't think we'd have looked after you all these years

if we didn't love you?

Look, you know how it works, Dor.

I'm the fat lazy one.

Tracey's the stupid, blonde one.

And you're the trollop.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind being a trollop for a change.

If I'm stupid, how come I own this big house?

You're not stupid, Tracey. You're strong, loyal.

You've brought up two wonderful boys on your own.

You've achieved a lot. Not as much as you.

You've got your book, your agony column.

Your trail of exhausted lovers.

You've got loads to be proud of.

Yeah, I suppose I have.

We both have, Dor.

I thought of the surprise party.

Including the bit where I was hauled off in handcuffs?

The point is, everything we've done, we've done together.

Come on, Dor, all your friends are waiting out there.

Not to mention there's a prawn ring with my name on.

Just ask yourself: what would Foxy do?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dorien Green!

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

69 forever!

(WHISTLING)

(CHEERING)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

# What'll I do

# When you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

subtitles by Deluxe

.