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.
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00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:03,960
# What'll I do
3
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:09,320
# When you are far away
4
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,960
# And I am blue?
5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,800
# What'll I do?
6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,960
# When I'm alone
7
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:25,960
# With only dreams of you
8
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,960
# That won't come true
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00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:33,640
# What'll I do? #
10
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Let's give the radio a go, then.
11
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(R'N'B MUSIC)
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(GIGGLES) Sharon, please!
13
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,960
Would you stop that? (WHIRRING)
14
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,960
(MUSIC STOPS)
15
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,960
Oh, Dor, it's got reclining seats.
16
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,960
(GIGGLES) That'll come in handy.
17
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,960
Ooh.
18
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,320
Someone didn't go to finishing
school.
19
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,960
And what would you know about
finishing school?
20
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Plenty.
21
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,960
On my 15th birthday, I went home and
I said to Tracey,
22
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,960
I said 'Tracey, I'm finishing
school.'
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(LAUGHS)
24
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:24,960
So how comes you can afford this,
anyway?
25
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,480
I'm suddenly big
in the Pacific Rim.
26
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,960
My book's taken off in Korea and
the Philippines
27
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,320
and I'm huge in Thailand.
28
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,960
I think we all are to them.
29
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,960
Oh, Jeremy, hi.
30
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,640
Ms Green, welcome. Dorien, please.
31
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,960
Of course. Dorien.
And this is my...
32
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,960
..Sharon.
33
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:49,960
I have to say
34
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,960
she's one of the prettiest little
run-arounds I've ever seen.
35
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Oi! Flatterer.
36
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,960
And I love this.
37
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,320
What's the technical term again?
38
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,000
The power bulge.
39
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,960
Oh, yes.
40
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,960
The power bulge.
41
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960
So, er, if everything's in order...
42
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,960
I was hoping you could be
a little more, erm, flexible?
43
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,160
We're making very little profit on
this car as it is.
44
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,960
Oh, yeah, they've already slashed it
from ten grand.
45
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,960
But if it helps, I can throw in a
set of velour floor mats.
46
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,320
Oh, yeah. They'll keep your knees
warm in the winter, Dor.
47
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Ah, this is the life, Dor.
48
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,320
And you can even do the roof as
you're driving along.
49
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,480
Sharon, you've caught my hair!
50
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,640
Plenty more where that came from.
51
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:46,960
No, in the roof, you idiot!
52
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,960
Open it! (GRUNTS) Open it!
53
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,960
I'm trying, but I'm not sure if it's
the same button.
54
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
And look out! (TYRES SCREECH)
55
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,480
Sorry.
56
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,960
You all right, Dor?
Do I look all right?
57
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,960
(GROANS)
58
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,960
She's having a bad hair day.
59
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,960
(GRUNTS)
60
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960
(DOOR CLOSES)
You could have killed us, Trace.
61
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960
What's happened? Oh, nothing (!)
62
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960
Your mother tried to ram raid
my new car
63
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960
and your aunt tried to scalp me.
64
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
You want me to glue it back on, Dor?
65
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,960
Mum was giving me a driving lesson,
although she wouldn't let me drive.
66
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,960
I just didn't think it was safe for
you to reverse onto the street.
67
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,960
And what you did was safe, was it,
Trace?
68
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,800
It can't be as bad as
when Dad tried to teach me.
69
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,960
Why? Did he make you speed up
every time you saw a policeman?
70
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,480
No, he made me slow down every time
we saw a bank.
71
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Look, we'll have another go
tomorrow. No, we will not.
72
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960
Right, take it out
when the timer goes, Mum,
73
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960
and I'll be back after work
to help you eat it.
74
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Laters, potatoes.
75
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,960
I don't suppose you'd give me some
lessons, Dor?
76
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:01,960
Er, well, I would like to keep my
new car unscathed a little longer.
77
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,320
I'm not a beginner.
78
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,960
I've already failed one test.
79
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960
No way. It's out of the question.
80
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960
Why? Because I say so.
81
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,960
Mum, why do you hate me so much?
82
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960
How can you say that?
I do your cooking, your washing,
83
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,960
I sewed up the holes
in the knees of those jeans -
84
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Exactly.
85
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,960
Erm, why is it out of the question,
Tracey?
86
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,160
Because it's a powerful sports car.
87
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,960
If anything happens, well, your
reflexes might not be -
88
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,800
There's nothing wrong with my
reflexes.
89
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,960
I managed to avoid a blonde bimbo
in a Mini, didn't I?
90
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,960
Why don't you just
come out with it?
91
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,640
You don't trust me with your
precious son.
92
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,960
What was all that about?
93
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,960
Jeremy Kyle - everyone knows that.
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00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,960
WOMAN ON TV: Jeremy Corbyn?
MAN: Correct.
95
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,800
That's who I meant.
96
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,480
Have you seen Travis? Yeah.
97
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,160
Skinny kid, sulks a lot. Why?
98
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,960
I can't find him anywhere,
or Dorien.
99
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960
Where have you two been?
100
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,000
What's going on?
101
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,960
Travis, look me in the eye
102
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,960
and tell me you ain't been out
driving with Miss Daisy.
103
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Well?
104
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,160
I'll go to my room, then, shall I?
105
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,960
I've got a huge pile of fan mail to
answer.
106
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
Not as huge as the pile you're in
down here.
107
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,000
You took him driving
behind my back, didn't you?
108
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,960
No, I didn't.
109
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,960
Yes, I did, but it won't happen
again. You have my word.
110
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,960
Why? What's happened?
111
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
Travis drove down a bus lane and we
were stopped by a policeman.
112
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,000
Oh, my God.
113
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,960
As the responsible driver, I've got
one week to present my licence
114
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,960
and insurance at the nearest police
station. Yeah?
115
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,960
I hope they take it away.
That's what I'm frightened of.
116
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,960
It's still got my old address. So?
117
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
So it's invalid.
118
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,960
Which means
I could get £1,000 fine,
119
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
be banned from driving
and go to prison!
120
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
Well, as long as you don't
over-react.
121
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Why didn't you just change your
address when you moved in here?
122
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,960
Because when you renew
your licence,
123
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,960
you have to renew your photograph
too.
124
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Oh, I get it.
125
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,960
You vain old trout.
126
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,480
Well, what's so special about your
photo?
127
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,960
Is that you?
128
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,960
It's looks like Vivien Leigh
in Gone With The Wind.
129
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:25,960
It's all blurry.
130
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,960
Well, top photographers
use Vaseline
131
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,960
to achieve a timeless,
ethereal quality.
132
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,960
In your case, Sharon, I doubt a tub
of Swarfega would suffice.
133
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,960
Well, why don't you just get a new
one?
134
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,960
There's a photo booth down World Of
Quid. Oh, don't be ridiculous. What?
135
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,960
The bright, pitiless lights,
searching out every blemish,
136
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
every wrinkle, every straggly hair?
137
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960
I think you're meant to keep your
clothes on, Dor.
138
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,960
Hang about!
139
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,000
What?
140
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,160
When's Dorien's birthday?
141
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,960
I don't know. Why?
142
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:05,640
Exactly. Has she ever had
a birthday, since we've known her?
143
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,800
You know you have to renew your
driving licence when you hit 70.
144
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:11,960
70?
145
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,960
She can't be.
146
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,960
One way to find out.
147
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,960
'Foxy Cohen, British erotic
novelist and agony aunt.
148
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
Real name Dorien Green.
149
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,960
Born Colindale, London 1929'.
150
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,960
Blimey, that makes her...81, 82,
83... Er, no, no, I did that.
151
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,960
Sorry?
152
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,960
I went on Wikipedia and fiddled with
her entry.
153
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
Well, what was her age before you
fiddled?
154
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
Well, it said 37,
155
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,960
which makes me believe that Dorien
got to Wikipedia before I did.
156
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,640
How are we going to find out the
truth?
157
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,960
Simple. I'll ask her.
158
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960
Don't worry.
159
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,960
I'll be tactful.
160
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:03,960
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Go away!
161
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
(DOOR OPENS)
162
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
So, you're 70, then?
163
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,960
I should have known that sports car
was a birthday present to yourself.
164
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,960
And why not?
165
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,960
I mean, survive to you're 70, and
the way you've burned your candle,
166
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960
I mean, that's an achievement
Bear Grylls would be proud of.
167
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,960
If you've quite finished, I'd like
some privacy.
168
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,480
No, that's not how it works, Dor.
169
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,960
It's banter.
170
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,960
There's no point me having a go at
you if you don't have a go back.
171
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,960
Maybe another time.
172
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,160
Look every week, thousands of
70-year-olds renew their licences.
173
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,960
What are you afraid of?
174
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Because I let Travis enter a bus
lane.
175
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,640
It happens. So what?
176
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,160
I should have seen the sign.
177
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,960
Suppose I can't pass the eye test?
178
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,960
Suppose they make me...
wear glasses?
179
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
Glasses ain't the end of the world,
Dor.
180
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,960
No, but they bring it into focus.
181
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,960
I don't get it.
182
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,960
I mean, if I was your age -
I'm not my age.
183
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,960
..I'd push the boat out.
184
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,000
I mean, any birthday that ends in a
zero
185
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,960
deserves to be celebrated, big time.
186
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960
A party? Over your dead body!
187
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,480
There you go. Banter.
188
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,960
That's more like the old Dor.
189
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,960
I don't mean old -
Oh, just get out, Sharon!
190
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,960
.
191
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
.
192
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,960
Come on, Trace. It'll be a laugh.
193
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,960
I can't wait to see Dorien's face.
194
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
As they nail the coffin shut.
195
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,480
The shock'll kill her.
196
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,960
If it does, I take full
responsibility.
197
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Go on, Trace, talk to Barry before
she comes downstairs.
198
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,320
Well, what if he don't go for it?
Course he will.
199
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,960
Detective Sergeant Boyfriend'll do
anything
200
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960
to worm his way back into your good
books.
201
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Among other places.
202
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,960
(SKYPE-STYLE CONNECTING BEEPS)
203
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960
Hello, Tracey. Long time no see.
204
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960
It's been a while hasn't it, Barry?
205
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,960
I was gonna ask if you could do me
a little favour? Yeah, of course.
206
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,960
Actually, it's quite a big one.
207
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,640
Anything for you.
208
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:23,960
See?
209
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:28,960
(SIGHS)
210
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,960
Yeah, so that's the plan, Barry.
Got to go.
211
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,960
I'm gonna make a pot of liquorice
tea, if anyone's interested.
212
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,960
No, thanks. It tastes like pants.
213
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,960
How do you know?
214
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Long story.
215
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,960
Erm, I'm sorry about before.
216
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,960
I know you meant well, Sharon, in
your clumsy, tactless way.
217
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,960
Banter.
218
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,960
No, accuracy.
219
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,960
Well, this will cheer you up, Dor.
I've just been speaking to Barry
220
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,320
and he reckons that thousands of
older people forget to renew their
licences.
221
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,960
As long as you take your paperwork
down to his cop shop within seven
days,
222
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
he doubts there'll be any further
action.
223
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
Oh, Tracey.
224
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,640
So just don't take Travis driving
again, OK?
225
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,960
I won't, I promise.
226
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:24,960
And maybe I was a little hasty in
dismissing the idea of a party out
of hand.
227
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,960
Really? I suppose I was a little
overwhelmed at the thought of
228
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,960
a huge, elaborate celebration, with
caterers and champagne,
229
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,960
all my friends, relatives,
admirers, fans...
230
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,960
Don't worry, Dor, we won't do
anything like that.
231
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,960
(LAUGHS)
232
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,800
Banter.
233
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,960
Right, you can open your eyes now,
Dor.
234
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
(TOOTS)
235
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,960
Ready, boys?
236
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,960
(BALLAD MUSIC)
237
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,960
# There's no-one quite like Grandma
238
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,960
# We know you will agree
239
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,160
# She always is a friend to you
240
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,960
# And she's a friend to me
241
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,960
Very funny. Can we stop it?
# There's no-one quite like... #
242
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,960
Thank you. (GIGGLES)
243
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
So is this where my friends jump
out and shout, 'Surprise'?
244
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
No way, we know you'd hate that.
245
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,960
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course.
246
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
Anyone fancy a sausage roll?
247
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,480
Sharon! Sorry, I forgot.
248
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,640
Right, let's do presents.
249
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,960
I've got you something to wear.
250
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,800
Oh, thank you, Tracey.
251
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,960
They're support hose, but you can't
tell.
252
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,640
And this is for your car to wear.
253
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,320
(GIGGLES)
254
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,480
'Elderly driver...'
255
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,640
'..please be patient.'
256
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960
Garth and I
got something between us.
257
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,320
Can you guess what it is?
258
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,960
Ooh. One more. One more.
259
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,320
And what indignity are you about to
perpetrate, Sharon?
260
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,480
Go on, then. Open it. You know what?
261
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,960
I'm not going to give you the
satisfaction.
262
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
I bet it's the first time
you've ever said that.
263
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,640
I'll open it for you.
I'll open it for you.
264
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:31,960
Matching incontinence pads, panties
and liners.
265
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,960
I call it the piss de resistance.
266
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,960
(LAUGHTER)
267
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,960
Right. Time for some magic.
268
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,960
Ooh. Is someone going to make Sharon
disappear?
269
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,000
Banter.
270
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:53,960
Dorien Green, I would like you to
pick a card, any card.
271
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:58,960
Memorise it and hand it to my
glamorous assistant, Tracey.
272
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Mum, tear it up and put it in the
bin.
273
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,960
I've seen this, it's brilliant.
274
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,480
Dorien, do you remember what your
card was?
275
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960
Yeah, I'm not senile.
276
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,160
The five of clubs. Right.
277
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:21,960
(Spades, hearts, diamonds, clubs.
One, two, three, four, five.)
278
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,960
Ta-dah! Woo!
279
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,480
(CHEERING)
280
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,320
(DOORBELL RINGS)
That's amazing.
281
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:37,960
Well, it would be, if there weren't
the same number of sausage rolls as
there are cards in a pack.
282
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,960
Oh, yeah.
283
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960
Dor, someone to see you.
284
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,960
Oh, girls!
285
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,960
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
286
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,320
Hello, handsome, and who might you
be?
287
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,480
There's no 'might be' about it.
288
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,640
I'm Police Constable David
Montgomery,
289
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,800
and I'm looking for a Ms Dorien
Green.
290
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:58,960
You've found her.
291
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Normally, I find strippergrams
tawdry and dated
292
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,960
but, this one, I like.
293
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,480
I'll have to ask you to desist.
294
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,960
Oh, if you say so, 'constable'.
295
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,480
You were in charge of a vehicle
driving down a bus lane, on
Wednesday last. Yeah.
296
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:21,960
And you've since failed to produce
your driving licence and insurance
at a police station. Boring.
297
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Get your kit off!
298
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,640
Oh.
299
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,320
Nice truncheon, by the way.
300
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,960
It's a nightstick. Ooh. Ooh. Even
better.
301
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,800
If you don't stop that, I will be
forced to deploy handcuffs. Ooh.
302
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,960
Is that a promise?
303
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960
(GIGGLES)
304
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,960
(POLICE RADIO)
305
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,960
It's absurd, arresting me
for such a trivial oversight.
306
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,960
There is nothing trivial about
interfering with a police officer's
personal equipment.
307
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
Thank God.
308
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Barry, help me!
309
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
Dorien, what are you doing here?
310
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,000
Ms Green failed to produce her
driving licence.
311
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,960
I've still got three days!
312
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,160
As you know, Guv, the Commissioner
is cracking down on white collar
crime,
313
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,960
especially by the elderly.
314
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
Elderly?
315
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960
I'm sure this is just a
misunderstanding, Constable.
316
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
I can vouch for Ms Green.
She's a law-abiding pensioner.
317
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,960
She's a liberty-taking cougar.
318
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,960
She went for my nightstick.
319
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,960
Just do me a favour, Dave,
and draw a veil, all right?
320
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,960
Promise you didn't see me home just
because I'm elderly?
321
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
No. I just wanted to make sure you
didn't get into any more trouble.
322
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960
If only.
323
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,960
Hello?
324
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:44,960
I'm back.
325
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Hello.
326
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,000
They couldn't even be bothered to
wait up for me.
327
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,960
Oh, wait a minute. What was that?
What?
328
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,960
(Ssh. She's coming. Ssh. Ssh. Ssh.)
(Keep it down.)
329
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,000
ALL: Surprise!
330
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,960
(GIGGLES)
331
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960
(CHEERING) Woo!
332
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
Gotcha! You've been had.
333
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
Frequently.
334
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
Thanks, Barry.
335
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960
Champagne, Miss Green? Ye...
336
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,960
So you are a strippergram.
337
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,320
No, I'm a real copper.
338
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,960
You try living in London on a
policeman's pay.
339
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,960
So your mum tells me you need
someone calm
340
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,160
to teach you how to drive. You?
341
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,960
Really?
342
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
Can we use the siren?
343
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
On second thoughts...
344
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
This calls for a few words.
345
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Oh, if you insist.
346
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,000
Ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen... (TAPS GLASS)
347
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,160
..what can I say about Dorien Green
348
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,960
that you haven't already read on the
back of a toilet door?
349
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,480
(LAUGHTER) Not from you.
350
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,960
Go on, Dor. Go on, Dor.
351
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,960
(CHEERING) Woo-woop.
352
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:06,800
Friends, colleagues, fans, lovers,
353
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,960
past, ooh, present...
354
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960
..and, please God, future.
355
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,960
Sharon, Tracey...
356
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960
I can't.
357
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960
Aaaah.
358
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,960
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
359
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
Course you can.
360
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960
You're the centre of attention,
you'll love it.
361
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
But what happens
when it's all over?
362
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
Don't worry, we'll clear up.
363
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,960
No, I mean when this is all over?
364
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,640
The plastic surgeon will pump 'em
back up again.
365
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Don't you think I know how absurd
this charade is?
366
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,960
Every year, every week, it takes
longer just to be me.
367
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,960
The make-up, the hair, the
clothes...
368
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,480
And just recently, I've asked
myself why do I do it?
369
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,960
So you can get your leg over?
370
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,960
It was a rhetorical question,
Sharon.
371
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,480
Then stop doing it.
372
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,960
Just grow old gracefully.
373
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,960
We've bought you all the kit.
374
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,480
I don't want to end up in a
residential establishment
375
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,640
for the independent elderly.
376
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,960
Can can you imagine Foxy Cohen,
alone,
377
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
abandoned, surrounded by dribblers?
378
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
Don't be daft.
That's not going to happen to you.
379
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,960
Isn't it? Course not.
We'll take care of you. Yeah.
380
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,800
I'll puree your prunes and Sharon
can wipe your bum.
381
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,640
Hang on! Why can't I do her prunes?
382
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,960
Look, you don't think we'd have
looked after you all these years
383
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,640
if we didn't love you?
384
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,000
Look, you know how it works, Dor.
385
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,160
I'm the fat lazy one.
386
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,960
Tracey's the stupid, blonde one.
387
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,960
And you're the trollop.
388
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Mind you, I wouldn't mind being a
trollop for a change.
389
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,640
If I'm stupid, how come I own this
big house?
390
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,960
You're not stupid, Tracey.
You're strong, loyal.
391
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,960
You've brought up
two wonderful boys on your own.
392
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,800
You've achieved a lot.
Not as much as you.
393
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,960
You've got your book, your agony
column.
394
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Your trail of exhausted lovers.
395
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,960
You've got loads to be proud of.
396
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
Yeah, I suppose I have.
397
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
We both have, Dor.
398
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960
I thought of the surprise party.
399
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,960
Including the bit where I was
hauled off in handcuffs?
400
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,480
The point is, everything we've done,
we've done together.
401
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,320
Come on, Dor, all your friends are
waiting out there.
402
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,640
Not to mention there's a prawn ring
with my name on.
403
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960
Just ask yourself:
what would Foxy do?
404
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,800
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
405
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,960
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dorien Green!
406
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
(CHEERING)
407
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
(WHISTLING)
408
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
69 forever!
409
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,000
(WHISTLING)
410
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
(CHEERING)
411
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,640
(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)
412
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,960
# What'll I do
413
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:33,480
# When you are far away
414
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,160
# And I am blue?
415
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,480
# What'll I do?
416
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,480
# When I'm alone
417
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:50,480
# With only dreams of you
418
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,320
# That won't
come true
419
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,960
# What'll
I do? #
420
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,000
subtitles by Deluxe
421
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,160
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