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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,320 . 2 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,960 Where you been? Sitting in the garden. 3 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,960 Mum, it's gone 11:00 and it's freezing. 4 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,960 I know, it was bloody lovely. Another hot flush? Yeah. 5 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,960 (DOOR SLAMS) Good evening, Chigwell! 6 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960 Oh no. I'm not in the mood for this. 7 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,640 Hello, everybody! 8 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960 Guess where I went tonight? Royal Opera House? 9 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,960 Was it the hat what gave it away? 10 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,960 No, I went out with some of the girls from the bookies. 11 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,960 It was meant to be a quiet one but we ended up having a major sesh. 12 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960 You OK? Fine. 13 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960 You sure? 14 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,320 Only you're just about to put piccalilli in your Nutella sandwich. 15 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,960 You worried about your A-Levels? I suppose so. 16 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960 Well, just remember the three golden rules - 17 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960 Yeah, revise, revise, revise. Close. 18 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960 Cheat, cheat, cheat. 19 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,960 When I passed my RE exam I had the names of all the disciples 20 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,960 written into my knickers. 21 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:41,960 I can still remember them, erm, John, Judas, Andrew, Bartholomew, 22 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,960 Napoleon, Mussolini... 23 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,960 ..I always do that! I had history on the same day. 24 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,960 Just remember, big pants, permanent marker 25 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960 and it'll be A-stars all the way. Night, night. 26 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,000 Auntie Shal, it's not just my exams. 27 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960 OK... 28 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,960 Is there a pregnant lady somewhere claiming you're the daddy? 29 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960 No. Well, then nothing you can say will faze me. 30 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,960 I've been suspended from school for possession of cannabis. 31 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960 Except that. 32 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960 Look, I didn't smoke it. Yeah, you and me both, mate. 33 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960 No, I didn't! Look, this mug in my year, Gibbons, 34 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960 he's always bringing it in. He gave a spliff to a year nine, 35 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960 so I took it off him. Just as a teacher came round the corner. 36 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,320 It's true. I swear! Why didn't you just explain? 37 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,960 No one was interested. We've got a new head of year, 38 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960 Miss Howe, she's fierce. She suspended me straight away. 39 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,800 She wants to see me and Mum in her office tomorrow morning. 40 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,960 Ooh, blimey. Tracey'll go mental. Exactly. 41 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,160 She's all over the place since the doctor took her off that HRT. 42 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,960 I've got five words for you... 43 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960 Run away from home now? 44 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,960 Does she need to know? 45 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960 Look, you said this Miss Howe is new, has she ever met your mum? 46 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,960 No. Well, then, no worries! 47 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,960 I'll go with you, pretend to be Tracey and we'll sort it all out. 48 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,960 You sure we can get away with it? As sure as tomorrow is Tuesday. 49 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,960 It's Thursday. 50 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960 Yeah, well, I'm a bit Brahms, ain't I? 51 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960 (INHALES DEEPLY) 52 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,960 The hits on my agony webcast have gone through the roof, 53 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,160 there's talk of a bonus. 54 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,960 Thank God there are so many pathetic people in the world. 55 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,960 Doesn't it bother you, that you are cashing in on other people's misery? 56 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960 Er, no. 57 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,000 Are you looking for something? No I'm having another hot flush! 58 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,960 Well, will you be long? 59 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,800 There's a jar of foie gras in there that demands constant temperature. 60 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,960 Stuff the foie gras, I feel like my head's gonna explode! 61 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,000 Bloody menopause, I hate it! I'm having hot flushes, 62 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,960 night sweats, and my moods are all over the place. 63 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,960 You reckon you're such a brilliant agony aunt, give me some advice. 64 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960 Sorry, don't do menopause. 65 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,960 What do you mean you don't do it? You can't avoid it. 66 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,960 I have. I've never stopped taking my HRT. 67 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,960 Isn't that a bit risky? Not as risky as me not taking it. 68 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,960 But you don't know what's in it. 69 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960 I've heard some of them are made from pregnant horses' urine. 70 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,960 I don't care if it's made from the pureed excrement of rabid pigs. 71 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,960 As long as it stops certain areas of my anatomy 72 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,800 from drying up like the Sahara. 73 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960 How did Sharon cope? She didn't have to. 74 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,960 Lucky cow had a bit of a sweat, 75 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,320 a ten-minute headache and hers was all over. 76 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,960 Well, have you tried evening primrose or black cohosh? 77 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,960 I've tried all that herbal stuff. Don't you listen to what I say? 78 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960 Perhaps not as much as I should. 79 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,960 I've even tried shoving magnets in my knickers. 80 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960 Did it work? No. 81 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,320 Just meant I was stuck to the washing machine for half hour. 82 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,160 Look, maybe I can help. 83 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,960 Dwelling on this is not going to do you any good, 84 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,960 you need bringing out of yourself. 85 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960 You know what I do when I start to feel low? 86 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960 I'm not bonking the milkman. 87 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,800 Retail therapy. 88 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,960 And I'm not dragging my arse around the shopping centre either. 89 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960 Oh, this is the 21st Century, Tracey. 90 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,960 You can sit with a big tub of mint choc chip ice cream 91 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,960 and max out your credit cards from the comfort of your sofa. 92 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,960 (SIGHS) 93 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960 Stop biting your nails. 94 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,000 You were saying... Mum? 95 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,960 Sounds funny, someone calling me that. 96 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,480 Do you think I would have made a good mum? 97 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,960 From a kid's point of view. Yeah. You would've been a laugh. 98 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960 Yeah, that's what I reckon. 99 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960 Oh, well, the fact that I'm not 100 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960 means there's a social worker somewhere 101 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960 with a much easier caseload. 102 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,960 You're sure this is gonna work, aren't you? 103 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,320 I'll just go in there with the old charm offensive. 104 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,960 Just do the charm, hey? 105 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960 And you'll just get a slap on the wrist... 106 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,960 Hopefully. 107 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,960 Hopefully? You were full of it last night. 108 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960 I was full of lager last night. 109 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,480 Thank you, Lorraine, I'm glad we got that sorted. 110 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,960 Don't worry. You can leave it to me. 111 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,960 That was Gibbons' dad. Oh, good. 112 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,960 Well, at least that means that Gibbons 113 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,480 is getting a slap on the wrist an' all. 114 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,960 Stubbs, Mrs Stubbs, two minutes. POSH ACCENT: Righty-ho. 115 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,960 I see what you mean about her being a bit fierce. 'Righty-ho?' 116 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,480 What? That's my grown-up voice. 117 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,960 I've all the latest fashion mags from Vanity Fair to La Redoute. 118 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,000 There's bound to be something you can buy to raise your spirits. 119 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,960 What do you fancy? Nothing. 120 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,000 OK. What do you need? Nothing. 121 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,480 Even if I did find something I liked it wouldn't fit me. 122 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,320 These days they only make things for six-foot skinny minnies 123 00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,960 with no knockers. 124 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,960 Tracey, you've got to shake off this despondent attitude. 125 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960 It's my hormones! Bit of poxy shopping's not going to fix it! 126 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960 And they need to go back in the freezer. 127 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,960 Oh, what about this? I'm not wearing that, I'd look like mutton. 128 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,960 Well, I'd wear it and I'm... 129 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,960 ..a few years older than you. 130 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,960 Yeah, and you'd look like mutton! 131 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,320 What's the look for? I'm always saying you look like mutton. 132 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,960 Yes, but normally you say it with a bantery, jocular edge. 133 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960 Well, I'm not in a bantery, jocular mood! When's that gonna sink in? 134 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:39,960 Well, I believe you're as young as you feel. You really think that? 135 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,640 If life was a race then I'm well past the halfway mark. 136 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,960 And you, you could come around that next bend 137 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960 and see the chequered flag waving in front of you. 138 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960 We're done. Old news. Yesterday's chip paper. 139 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960 The only thing we've got to look forward to, is losing our marbles 140 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960 and needing someone to wipe our jacksy. 141 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960 Are you gonna open that ice cream or not? 142 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Actually, I'm going to go to my room, 143 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,640 play some Leonard Cohen and put the Samaritans on speed dial. 144 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,960 POSH ACCENT: Hi, Lorraine, I'm Sharon... 145 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,960 Tracey. Sharon-Tracey. 146 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,640 My mum loved a Christian name. 147 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,960 Let's stick to Miss Howe and Mrs Stubbs, shall we? 148 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,960 Oh, OK. 149 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,960 I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances. 150 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960 All part of having kids, isn't it? 151 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,960 I wouldn't know. 152 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,480 I'm surrounded by hundreds of the little monsters all day, 153 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,640 I'd have to be some sort of masochist 154 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,800 to want to go home to my own. 155 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:42,960 Now, Mrs Stubbs, I have to emphasise we take a very dim view of drugs. 156 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,960 Oh, so do we. 157 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,960 Especially as we are a very religious family. 158 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,960 I mean, wherever those drugs came from, 159 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960 they had nothing to do with Travis. 160 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960 The only joints you'll find at our house, 161 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,960 are from the meat counter at Aldi. 162 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,960 I mean Waitrose. 163 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,320 Mrs Stubbs - I can name all of Jesus' disciples, you know. 164 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,960 (CHUCKLES) Andrew, Bartholomew - Mrs Stubbs... 165 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,960 Napoleon, Mussolini - Mrs Stubbs! 166 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,960 If Travis didn't bring the drugs in, who did? 167 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,960 Oh, we don't grass in our family. 168 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960 It's our 11th commandment. 169 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,960 Well, that attitude doesn't surprise me. Excuse me? 170 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,800 Your husband was a professional criminal. 171 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,960 RESUMES NORMAL ACCENT: No, he weren't, he was crap at it. 172 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,960 POSH ACCENT: Look, Travis' daddy may have been a bit of a rascal, 173 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,800 but he's been brought up to know right from wrong, 174 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,960 and respect the filth... 175 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,960 Old Bill... Boys in blue. The problem is... 176 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,480 another boy has already named Travis as supplier. 177 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,960 Who? Jason Gibbons. 178 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,960 No, it was him. He's setting me up, Miss. I'm sorry, Travis, 179 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960 but you and your mother's evasive attitude suggest otherwise. 180 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,960 In my experience, the apple never falls very far from the tree. 181 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960 NORMAL ACCENT: You snotty cow! 182 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:21,160 Sit there, judging us, with your skirt halfway up your backside. 183 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960 You wanna be ashamed of yourself. 184 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,960 What sort of teacher comes to work dressed like that? 185 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960 A sports teacher. 186 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960 Yeah, well... 187 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,960 ..never mind that. You keep your aspersions to yourself. 188 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960 Just give him a slap on the wrist and we'll be on our way. 189 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,960 You might scare the kids, 190 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960 but you don't scare me. 191 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,960 Sit! 192 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960 There is no question of Travis getting off 193 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960 with a slap on the wrist. 194 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960 I'm afraid we have no option but to permanently exclude him. 195 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,960 Oh, well... 196 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960 At least they ain't expelled you. 197 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,800 It's the same thing! 198 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960 . 199 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,800 .. 200 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,960 Look, we're gonna have to tell Mum. I see that as a last resort. 201 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,960 They may have expelled you, but they can't stop you 202 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,960 taking your actual A-Levels. 203 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,960 Just carry on getting notes from your mates and take the exam. 204 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,960 And once again, Tracey is none the wiser - 205 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,960 But the school? Schtum! 206 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960 What's going on? Nothing. 207 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,960 I need cheering up. Tell me about your day, Travis? 208 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960 There's not much to tell. 209 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,960 And you said I was past it, Tracey. 210 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960 Well, if you get out of breath just carrying a bottle of milk... 211 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,960 I have just done an hour-long spinning class, 212 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960 a full-on 90-minute workout, 213 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960 and just ran three miles home from the shop. 214 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,960 According to my personal trainer, I have the heart, lungs 215 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,480 and insanely firm buttocks of a woman half my age. 216 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,800 So what do you say to that, Tracey? Nothing. 217 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,960 I didn't mean it, it was my hormones talking. 218 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,960 You mean I have put myself through this purgatory for nothing? 219 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,960 (PHONE ALERT PINGS) 220 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,320 Oh, I've had an email from the school. 221 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,960 Confirming a meeting I had with a Miss Howe 222 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,960 at which my son got expelled for supplying drugs! 223 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960 News to us. Hey, Trav? 224 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,960 Give it up, Auntie Shal. 225 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960 Look, Mum, I took a spliff away from a year 9, 226 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960 got caught with it, got suspended. 227 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960 Sharon came to the meeting with my head of year, pretended to be you. 228 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960 The kid who brought it in lied, 229 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960 said I was the supplier, so I got expelled. 230 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960 Don't seem so bad when you say it quickly. 231 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960 Unbelievable! 232 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,960 It really is impossible to underestimate you, Sharon. 233 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,960 You got expelled! 234 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,000 How can you be so stupid?! 235 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,960 It wasn't his fault. You're in it up to your neck an' all, ain't you? 236 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,000 I only did it because of how you've been lately. 237 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,000 I didn't want you getting all stressed. 238 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,480 Oh, well, it's worked like a charm, hasn't it? 239 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,640 I feel suicidal now. 240 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,960 Why did you go to her, of all people?! 241 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960 You should have come to me, cos you and I do have a special bond. 242 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,960 No! He should have come to me! You're right, Mum. 243 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960 I'm sorry. 244 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,480 Are you really that scared of me? 245 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960 No? 246 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:33,960 Look, I'm sorry, love. I only did it cos I care so much. 247 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,960 Aww. Don't even think about it! 248 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,960 Right, if we want to get justice for Travis, 249 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,960 we have to be as sneaky and as underhand as that boy Gibbons. 250 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,960 Go on... Well, no, I haven't actually thought of anything. 251 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960 Oh, for... Why are you looking like that? 252 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,960 I bet you made it ten times worse by having a go at his teacher. 253 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960 She had a go at me first. 254 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960 Look, none of this is gonna do any good. 255 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960 It's my word against Gibbons'. They're always going to believe him 256 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960 because of his dad and not believe me, because of mine. 257 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960 What makes his dad so special? He's Michael Gibbons, 258 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,960 Chairman of the School Governors. And him and Miss Howe are doing it. 259 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960 And you didn't think to mention that before? 260 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,800 I didn't know it was going to be relevant. 261 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,960 Well, that proves I didn't make it worse. 262 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960 They were ready to throw Travis under the bus 263 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,160 before we even got in there. 264 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960 I think you owe me an apology, Tracey. 265 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960 Don't hold your breath. 266 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,800 Michael Gibbons, Michael Gibbons, that name rings a bell. 267 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,800 Short, balding? That's right. 268 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,960 Yeah, it's not just Miss Howe 269 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,960 that he is enjoying extra-curricular activities with, 270 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960 he has slept with half the women at the tennis club. 271 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,960 His nickname is 'New Balls'. 272 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,640 No, Sharon, I haven't. 273 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,960 One of his easier conquests was Melanie Fishman, 274 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,960 and I refuse to touch any man that that woman's dropped her serve for. 275 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,960 So why are they so interested in him? He's a right little weasel. 276 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960 He owns a string of chiropodists, 'Hold the Bunions'. 277 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960 Money and free treatment for fallen arches is a powerful aphrodisiac. 278 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,960 Is there a Mrs Gibbons? 279 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,480 Yeah, poor mouse doesn't know what a rat she's married to. 280 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,640 Then it's about time someone threatened to put her straight. 281 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,960 It's usually me that comes up with dirty tricks like that, Trace. 282 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960 When it comes to my kids, the gloves are off. 283 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960 We get evidence of him playing about 284 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,960 and say we'll tell his wife if he doesn't get Travis reinstated. 285 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960 A honeytrap! 286 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960 Who's gonna be the honey? 287 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960 Do you really need to ask that question, Sharon? 288 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,960 No, he says, the cat's a ventriloquist. (LAUGHS) 289 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,320 So, that's Gibbons. He looks like a right plonker. 290 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,960 She's had worse. How do I look? 291 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960 Easier than a kid's crossword. 292 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960 This won't take long, doesn't normally. 293 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960 A husky hello usually gets them hooked, 294 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960 but in the unlikely event that the sap fails to rise 295 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,960 then a bit of heavy flirting never fails. 296 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960 Thanks, sweetheart. 297 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960 HUSKY VOICE: Hello. 298 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960 You're Michael Gibbons, I'm - I know who you are, 299 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,960 the infamous Dorien Green. 300 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,960 We've often moved in the same circles, but we've never actually... 301 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960 connected. 302 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960 I thought it was time we did. 303 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,320 Trouble with verucas? 304 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,480 That's not the sort of treatment I had in mind. 305 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,960 Oh, I see. (CHUCKLES) 306 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,960 Everything I've heard about you is true then. 307 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960 Everything... 308 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960 And more. 309 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960 Sorry. As we say around here, you just don't tighten my racket. 310 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,640 Sorry? 311 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,800 When it comes to you, Ms Green, 312 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,640 there are two sorts of men in Chigwell... 313 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,960 Those that have and those that haven't. 314 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960 I prefer to stay in the small but ever-diminishing band, 315 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,640 of those that have not. 316 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:15,960 Pardon? 317 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,160 You're not my type, love. 318 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,000 I'm everybody's type! 319 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,960 That was quick. 320 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,960 You struck out, didn't you? You are past it, after all. 321 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,000 No. I'm not past it! Maybe he's had an epiphany, come out of the closet. 322 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960 Well, if he has he's gone back in and locked the door. 323 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960 Look at the way he's chatting that blonde barmaid up. 324 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960 He likes blondes! 325 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,160 Travis' teacher was blonde. 326 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,960 And Melanie Fishman sports a cheap, peroxide rinse. That's it, 327 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960 he prefers blondes. I'm not past it, 328 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,960 oh, thank God! 329 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960 Right, well, I better give him a go then. No, you won't! 330 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960 You're not blonde, you're mousey with highlights. 331 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,960 This is blonde. I'll do it. You? 332 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,960 Travis is my son. You've cocked up enough already. 333 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,320 Do you need a few tips? 334 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,160 I know you like to think you invented it, 335 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,640 but I do know how to chat a bloke up. 336 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,960 Oh, sorry. 337 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,320 Really, no need to apolgise. 338 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,960 You've spilled your drink, let me get you another. 339 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960 My mum told me never to accept a drink from a stranger. 340 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,960 Easily remedied. Mike Gibbons. 341 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,960 I haven't seen you around the club before. I'm Tracey, 342 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,960 and I'm thinking of joining. Oh, you should. 343 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,000 We could always do with more pretty girls. 344 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,800 Have you been playing tennis for long? 345 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,960 No, but I've had a few lessons. 346 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,960 My instructor reckons I've got the best forehand grip he's ever seen. 347 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960 Really. 348 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960 Take the camera. 349 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960 He's going to lay his grubby little paws on her any minute now. 350 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,320 I like you, Tracey. Oh, I like you, too. 351 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,960 I've always had a thing for short, fat blokes. 352 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,480 I think I'd say stocky. 353 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,960 I'm not one for mincing my words. We're not kids, are we? 354 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960 Certainly not. 355 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,960 Oh, look at the way the light shines on your pointy, bald head. 356 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,960 So, you ready for a knock up or what? 357 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,800 Yes, yes. 358 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,960 Absolutely! 359 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,800 A friend of mine runs a little, boutique hotel, 360 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,960 only 20 minutes' drive away, you can show me that forehand grip. 361 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,960 That's just what I wanted to hear you say. 362 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,320 Advantage Gibbons! Yeah. 363 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960 Busted! (CAMERA CLICKS) What's going on? 364 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,960 We're exposing you, for the two-timing rat that you are. 365 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960 You had your finger over the lens! 366 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960 Don't worry, I've still got this. 367 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,640 PHONE RECORDING: 'Friend of mine runs a little boutique hotel, 368 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,960 only 20 minutes' drive away, you can show me that forehand grip.' 369 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,960 So, either we play that to your poor, unsuspecting wife... 370 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,800 And tell her about all your other little bits on the side, 371 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,640 including Miss Howe. 372 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,960 Or you see to it that Travis Stubbs gets reinstated at his school. 373 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960 Choice is yours, baldy! 374 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,160 (ELECTRIC FAN BUZZING) 375 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960 I still don't understand 376 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,960 why Wills and Kate called their little girl Charlotte. 377 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960 It's not very royal, is it? 378 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960 So what names would you consider to be royal then? 379 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,960 Well, not Sharon, for a start. 380 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960 Elizabeth, obviously, 381 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960 Victoria, Mary, Amber... 382 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960 Amber? 383 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,960 There's never been a queen named Amber. 384 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,960 Yes, there was - 'Amber Lynne'. 385 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,960 Look, I might be menopausal, but I'm not stupid. 386 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,960 Alright, Mum. How did it go? 387 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,960 Sorted. Miss Howe reinstated me. Oh, that's brilliant! 388 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960 So why ain't you jumping up and down for joy? 389 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960 A couple of mates and I decided to celebrate. 390 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,160 The headmaster caught us round the back of the science block 391 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,960 with a bottle of vodka. Oh, Travis! 392 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,960 (LAUGHS) It's a joke. 393 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,960 Not a very good one, as it turns out. 394 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,480 It's my hormones. I don't need any more surprises. 395 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960 Get your coats on, girls! 396 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,960 I want to find out if gentlemen really do prefer blondes! 397 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960 subtitles by Deluxe 398 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960 . 32117

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