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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,320
.
2
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,960
Where you been?
Sitting in the garden.
3
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Mum, it's gone 11:00
and it's freezing.
4
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,960
I know, it was bloody lovely.
Another hot flush? Yeah.
5
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,960
(DOOR SLAMS) Good evening, Chigwell!
6
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960
Oh no. I'm not in the mood for this.
7
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,640
Hello, everybody!
8
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960
Guess where I went tonight?
Royal Opera House?
9
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,960
Was it the hat what gave it away?
10
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,960
No, I went out with some
of the girls from the bookies.
11
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,960
It was meant to be a quiet one
but we ended up having a major sesh.
12
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
You OK? Fine.
13
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,960
You sure?
14
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,320
Only you're just about to put
piccalilli in your Nutella sandwich.
15
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,960
You worried about your A-Levels?
I suppose so.
16
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
Well, just remember
the three golden rules -
17
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960
Yeah, revise, revise, revise.
Close.
18
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
Cheat, cheat, cheat.
19
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,960
When I passed my RE exam I had
the names of all the disciples
20
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,960
written into my knickers.
21
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:41,960
I can still remember them, erm,
John, Judas, Andrew, Bartholomew,
22
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,960
Napoleon, Mussolini...
23
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,960
..I always do that!
I had history on the same day.
24
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,960
Just remember, big pants,
permanent marker
25
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960
and it'll be A-stars all the way.
Night, night.
26
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,000
Auntie Shal, it's not just my exams.
27
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960
OK...
28
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,960
Is there a pregnant lady somewhere
claiming you're the daddy?
29
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960
No. Well, then nothing
you can say will faze me.
30
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,960
I've been suspended from school
for possession of cannabis.
31
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Except that.
32
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960
Look, I didn't smoke it.
Yeah, you and me both, mate.
33
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960
No, I didn't!
Look, this mug in my year, Gibbons,
34
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960
he's always bringing it in.
He gave a spliff to a year nine,
35
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960
so I took it off him. Just
as a teacher came round the corner.
36
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,320
It's true. I swear!
Why didn't you just explain?
37
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,960
No one was interested.
We've got a new head of year,
38
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960
Miss Howe, she's fierce.
She suspended me straight away.
39
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,800
She wants to see me and Mum
in her office tomorrow morning.
40
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,960
Ooh, blimey. Tracey'll go mental.
Exactly.
41
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,160
She's all over the place since
the doctor took her off that HRT.
42
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,960
I've got five words for you...
43
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Run away from home now?
44
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,960
Does she need to know?
45
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Look, you said this Miss Howe
is new, has she ever met your mum?
46
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,960
No. Well, then, no worries!
47
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,960
I'll go with you, pretend to be
Tracey and we'll sort it all out.
48
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,960
You sure we can get away with it?
As sure as tomorrow is Tuesday.
49
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,960
It's Thursday.
50
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960
Yeah, well, I'm a bit Brahms,
ain't I?
51
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960
(INHALES DEEPLY)
52
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,960
The hits on my agony webcast
have gone through the roof,
53
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,160
there's talk of a bonus.
54
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,960
Thank God there are so many
pathetic people in the world.
55
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Doesn't it bother you, that you are
cashing in on other people's misery?
56
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
Er, no.
57
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,000
Are you looking for something?
No I'm having another hot flush!
58
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,960
Well, will you be long?
59
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,800
There's a jar of foie gras in there
that demands constant temperature.
60
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,960
Stuff the foie gras, I feel like
my head's gonna explode!
61
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,000
Bloody menopause, I hate it!
I'm having hot flushes,
62
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,960
night sweats, and my moods
are all over the place.
63
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,960
You reckon you're such a brilliant
agony aunt, give me some advice.
64
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960
Sorry, don't do menopause.
65
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,960
What do you mean you don't do it?
You can't avoid it.
66
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,960
I have. I've never stopped
taking my HRT.
67
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,960
Isn't that a bit risky?
Not as risky as me not taking it.
68
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,960
But you don't know what's in it.
69
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,960
I've heard some of them are made
from pregnant horses' urine.
70
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,960
I don't care if it's made from the
pureed excrement of rabid pigs.
71
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,960
As long as it stops
certain areas of my anatomy
72
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,800
from drying up like the Sahara.
73
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960
How did Sharon cope?
She didn't have to.
74
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,960
Lucky cow had a bit of a sweat,
75
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,320
a ten-minute headache
and hers was all over.
76
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,960
Well, have you tried evening
primrose or black cohosh?
77
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,960
I've tried all that herbal stuff.
Don't you listen to what I say?
78
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960
Perhaps not as much as I should.
79
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,960
I've even tried
shoving magnets in my knickers.
80
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Did it work? No.
81
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,320
Just meant I was stuck to the
washing machine for half hour.
82
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,160
Look, maybe I can help.
83
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,960
Dwelling on this is not going
to do you any good,
84
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,960
you need bringing out
of yourself.
85
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960
You know what I do
when I start to feel low?
86
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
I'm not bonking the milkman.
87
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,800
Retail therapy.
88
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,960
And I'm not dragging my arse around
the shopping centre either.
89
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Oh, this is the 21st Century,
Tracey.
90
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,960
You can sit with a big tub
of mint choc chip ice cream
91
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,960
and max out your credit cards
from the comfort of your sofa.
92
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,960
(SIGHS)
93
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Stop biting your nails.
94
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,000
You were saying... Mum?
95
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,960
Sounds funny, someone
calling me that.
96
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,480
Do you think I would have made
a good mum?
97
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,960
From a kid's point of view.
Yeah. You would've been a laugh.
98
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Yeah, that's what I reckon.
99
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960
Oh, well, the fact that I'm not
100
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960
means there's a social worker
somewhere
101
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960
with a much easier caseload.
102
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,960
You're sure this
is gonna work, aren't you?
103
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,320
I'll just go in there
with the old charm offensive.
104
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,960
Just do the charm, hey?
105
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
And you'll just get a slap
on the wrist...
106
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,960
Hopefully.
107
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,960
Hopefully?
You were full of it last night.
108
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960
I was full of lager last night.
109
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,480
Thank you, Lorraine,
I'm glad we got that sorted.
110
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,960
Don't worry. You can leave it to me.
111
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,960
That was Gibbons' dad. Oh, good.
112
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,960
Well, at least that means
that Gibbons
113
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,480
is getting a
slap on the wrist an' all.
114
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,960
Stubbs, Mrs Stubbs, two minutes.
POSH ACCENT: Righty-ho.
115
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,960
I see what you mean about
her being a bit fierce. 'Righty-ho?'
116
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,480
What? That's my grown-up voice.
117
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,960
I've all the latest fashion mags
from Vanity Fair to La Redoute.
118
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,000
There's bound to be something you
can buy to raise your spirits.
119
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,960
What do you fancy?
Nothing.
120
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,000
OK. What do you need? Nothing.
121
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,480
Even if I did find something
I liked it wouldn't fit me.
122
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,320
These days they only make things
for six-foot skinny minnies
123
00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,960
with no knockers.
124
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,960
Tracey, you've got to shake off
this despondent attitude.
125
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
It's my hormones! Bit of poxy
shopping's not going to fix it!
126
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
And they need to go back
in the freezer.
127
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,960
Oh, what about this? I'm not
wearing that, I'd look like mutton.
128
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,960
Well, I'd wear it and I'm...
129
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,960
..a few years older than you.
130
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,960
Yeah, and you'd look like mutton!
131
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,320
What's the look for? I'm always
saying you look like mutton.
132
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,960
Yes, but normally you say it
with a bantery, jocular edge.
133
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Well, I'm not in a bantery, jocular
mood! When's that gonna sink in?
134
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:39,960
Well, I believe you're as young
as you feel. You really think that?
135
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,640
If life was a race
then I'm well past the halfway mark.
136
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,960
And you,
you could come around that next bend
137
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960
and see the chequered flag
waving in front of you.
138
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
We're done. Old news.
Yesterday's chip paper.
139
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960
The only thing we've got to look
forward to, is losing our marbles
140
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,960
and needing someone
to wipe our jacksy.
141
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960
Are you gonna open
that ice cream or not?
142
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960
Actually, I'm going
to go to my room,
143
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,640
play some Leonard Cohen and
put the Samaritans on speed dial.
144
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,960
POSH ACCENT: Hi, Lorraine,
I'm Sharon...
145
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,960
Tracey. Sharon-Tracey.
146
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,640
My mum loved a Christian name.
147
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,960
Let's stick to Miss Howe
and Mrs Stubbs, shall we?
148
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,960
Oh, OK.
149
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,960
I'm sorry you have to be here
under these circumstances.
150
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960
All part of having kids, isn't it?
151
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,960
I wouldn't know.
152
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,480
I'm surrounded by hundreds of the
little monsters all day,
153
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,640
I'd have to be some sort
of masochist
154
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,800
to want to go home to my own.
155
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:42,960
Now, Mrs Stubbs, I have to emphasise
we take a very dim view of drugs.
156
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,960
Oh, so do we.
157
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,960
Especially as we are a very
religious family.
158
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,960
I mean, wherever
those drugs came from,
159
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
they had nothing
to do with Travis.
160
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
The only joints
you'll find at our house,
161
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,960
are from the meat counter
at Aldi.
162
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,960
I mean Waitrose.
163
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,320
Mrs Stubbs - I can name all of
Jesus' disciples, you know.
164
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,960
(CHUCKLES) Andrew, Bartholomew -
Mrs Stubbs...
165
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,960
Napoleon, Mussolini -
Mrs Stubbs!
166
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,960
If Travis didn't bring the drugs in,
who did?
167
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,960
Oh, we don't grass in our family.
168
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
It's our 11th commandment.
169
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,960
Well, that attitude
doesn't surprise me. Excuse me?
170
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,800
Your husband
was a professional criminal.
171
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,960
RESUMES NORMAL ACCENT:
No, he weren't, he was crap at it.
172
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,960
POSH ACCENT: Look, Travis' daddy
may have been a bit of a rascal,
173
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,800
but he's been brought up
to know right from wrong,
174
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,960
and respect the filth...
175
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,960
Old Bill... Boys in blue.
The problem is...
176
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,480
another boy has already
named Travis as supplier.
177
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,960
Who? Jason Gibbons.
178
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,960
No, it was him. He's setting
me up, Miss. I'm sorry, Travis,
179
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960
but you and your mother's evasive
attitude suggest otherwise.
180
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,960
In my experience, the apple never
falls very far from the tree.
181
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960
NORMAL ACCENT: You snotty cow!
182
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:21,160
Sit there, judging us, with your
skirt halfway up your backside.
183
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960
You wanna be ashamed of yourself.
184
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,960
What sort of teacher comes to
work dressed like that?
185
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
A sports teacher.
186
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
Yeah, well...
187
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,960
..never mind that. You keep your
aspersions to yourself.
188
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960
Just give him a slap on the wrist
and we'll be on our way.
189
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,960
You might scare the kids,
190
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
but you don't scare me.
191
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,960
Sit!
192
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
There is no question
of Travis getting off
193
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
with a slap on the wrist.
194
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
I'm afraid we have no option
but to permanently exclude him.
195
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,960
Oh, well...
196
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
At least they ain't expelled you.
197
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,800
It's the same thing!
198
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
.
199
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,800
..
200
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,960
Look, we're gonna have to tell Mum.
I see that as a last resort.
201
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,960
They may have expelled you,
but they can't stop you
202
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,960
taking your actual A-Levels.
203
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,960
Just carry on getting notes
from your mates and take the exam.
204
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,960
And once again,
Tracey is none the wiser -
205
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,960
But the school?
Schtum!
206
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960
What's going on? Nothing.
207
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,960
I need cheering up.
Tell me about your day, Travis?
208
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
There's not much to tell.
209
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,960
And you said I was past it, Tracey.
210
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
Well, if you get out of breath just
carrying a bottle of milk...
211
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,960
I have just done an hour-long
spinning class,
212
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
a full-on 90-minute workout,
213
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960
and just ran three miles
home from the shop.
214
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,960
According to my personal trainer,
I have the heart, lungs
215
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,480
and insanely firm buttocks
of a woman half my age.
216
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,800
So what do you say to that, Tracey?
Nothing.
217
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,960
I didn't mean it,
it was my hormones talking.
218
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,960
You mean I have put myself through
this purgatory for nothing?
219
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,960
(PHONE ALERT PINGS)
220
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,320
Oh, I've had an email
from the school.
221
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,960
Confirming a meeting I had
with a Miss Howe
222
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,960
at which my son got expelled
for supplying drugs!
223
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960
News to us. Hey, Trav?
224
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,960
Give it up, Auntie Shal.
225
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960
Look, Mum, I took a spliff
away from a year 9,
226
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
got caught with it,
got suspended.
227
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960
Sharon came to the meeting with my
head of year, pretended to be you.
228
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960
The kid who brought it in lied,
229
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
said I was the supplier,
so I got expelled.
230
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
Don't seem so bad
when you say it quickly.
231
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
Unbelievable!
232
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,960
It really is impossible
to underestimate you, Sharon.
233
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,960
You got expelled!
234
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,000
How can you be so stupid?!
235
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,960
It wasn't his fault. You're in it
up to your neck an' all, ain't you?
236
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,000
I only did it because of how you've
been lately.
237
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,000
I didn't want you
getting all stressed.
238
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,480
Oh, well, it's worked
like a charm, hasn't it?
239
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,640
I feel suicidal now.
240
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,960
Why did you go to her,
of all people?!
241
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960
You should have come to me, cos
you and I do have a special bond.
242
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,960
No! He should have come to me!
You're right, Mum.
243
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960
I'm sorry.
244
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,480
Are you really that scared of me?
245
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960
No?
246
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:33,960
Look, I'm sorry, love.
I only did it cos I care so much.
247
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,960
Aww. Don't even think about it!
248
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,960
Right, if we want to get
justice for Travis,
249
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,960
we have to be as sneaky and as
underhand as that boy Gibbons.
250
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Go on... Well, no, I haven't
actually thought of anything.
251
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
Oh, for...
Why are you looking like that?
252
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,960
I bet you made it ten times worse
by having a go at his teacher.
253
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
She had a go at me first.
254
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960
Look, none of this
is gonna do any good.
255
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960
It's my word against Gibbons'.
They're always going to believe him
256
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960
because of his dad
and not believe me, because of mine.
257
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960
What makes his dad so special?
He's Michael Gibbons,
258
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,960
Chairman of the School Governors.
And him and Miss Howe are doing it.
259
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
And you didn't think
to mention that before?
260
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,800
I didn't know it was going
to be relevant.
261
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,960
Well, that proves
I didn't make it worse.
262
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960
They were ready to throw Travis
under the bus
263
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,160
before we even got in there.
264
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960
I think you owe me an apology,
Tracey.
265
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Don't hold your breath.
266
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,800
Michael Gibbons, Michael Gibbons,
that name rings a bell.
267
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,800
Short, balding? That's right.
268
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,960
Yeah, it's not just Miss Howe
269
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,960
that he is enjoying extra-curricular
activities with,
270
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
he has slept with half the women
at the tennis club.
271
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,960
His nickname is 'New Balls'.
272
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,640
No, Sharon, I haven't.
273
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,960
One of his easier conquests
was Melanie Fishman,
274
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,960
and I refuse to touch any man that
that woman's dropped her serve for.
275
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,960
So why are they so interested in
him? He's a right little weasel.
276
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960
He owns a string of chiropodists,
'Hold the Bunions'.
277
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
Money and free treatment for fallen
arches is a powerful aphrodisiac.
278
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Is there a Mrs Gibbons?
279
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,480
Yeah, poor mouse doesn't know
what a rat she's married to.
280
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,640
Then it's about time someone
threatened to put her straight.
281
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,960
It's usually me that comes up with
dirty tricks like that, Trace.
282
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960
When it comes to my kids,
the gloves are off.
283
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960
We get evidence of him playing about
284
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,960
and say we'll tell his wife if he
doesn't get Travis reinstated.
285
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960
A honeytrap!
286
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
Who's gonna be the honey?
287
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960
Do you really need
to ask that question, Sharon?
288
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,960
No, he says, the cat's
a ventriloquist. (LAUGHS)
289
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,320
So, that's Gibbons.
He looks like a right plonker.
290
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,960
She's had worse.
How do I look?
291
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Easier than a kid's crossword.
292
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
This won't take long,
doesn't normally.
293
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
A husky hello usually gets
them hooked,
294
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960
but in the unlikely event
that the sap fails to rise
295
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,960
then a bit of heavy flirting
never fails.
296
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
Thanks, sweetheart.
297
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960
HUSKY VOICE: Hello.
298
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
You're Michael Gibbons, I'm -
I know who you are,
299
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,960
the infamous Dorien Green.
300
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,960
We've often moved in the same
circles, but we've never actually...
301
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960
connected.
302
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
I thought it was time we did.
303
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,320
Trouble with verucas?
304
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,480
That's not the sort of treatment
I had in mind.
305
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,960
Oh, I see. (CHUCKLES)
306
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Everything I've heard about
you is true then.
307
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Everything...
308
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
And more.
309
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960
Sorry. As we say around here,
you just don't tighten my racket.
310
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,640
Sorry?
311
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,800
When it comes to you, Ms Green,
312
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,640
there are two sorts
of men in Chigwell...
313
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,960
Those that have
and those that haven't.
314
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
I prefer to stay in the small
but ever-diminishing band,
315
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,640
of those that have not.
316
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:15,960
Pardon?
317
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,160
You're not my type, love.
318
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,000
I'm everybody's type!
319
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,960
That was quick.
320
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,960
You struck out, didn't you?
You are past it, after all.
321
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:36,000
No. I'm not past it! Maybe he's had
an epiphany, come out of the closet.
322
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
Well, if he has he's gone back
in and locked the door.
323
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Look at the way he's chatting
that blonde barmaid up.
324
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
He likes blondes!
325
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,160
Travis' teacher was blonde.
326
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,960
And Melanie Fishman sports a cheap,
peroxide rinse. That's it,
327
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
he prefers blondes.
I'm not past it,
328
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,960
oh, thank God!
329
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Right, well, I better give
him a go then. No, you won't!
330
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
You're not blonde,
you're mousey with highlights.
331
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,960
This is blonde. I'll do it.
You?
332
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,960
Travis is my son.
You've cocked up enough already.
333
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,320
Do you need a few tips?
334
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,160
I know you like to think you
invented it,
335
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,640
but I do know how
to chat a bloke up.
336
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Oh, sorry.
337
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,320
Really, no need to apolgise.
338
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,960
You've spilled your drink,
let me get you another.
339
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960
My mum told me never to accept
a drink from a stranger.
340
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Easily remedied. Mike Gibbons.
341
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,960
I haven't seen you around
the club before. I'm Tracey,
342
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,960
and I'm thinking of joining.
Oh, you should.
343
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,000
We could always do
with more pretty girls.
344
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,800
Have you been playing tennis
for long?
345
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,960
No, but I've had a few lessons.
346
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,960
My instructor reckons I've got the
best forehand grip he's ever seen.
347
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Really.
348
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960
Take the camera.
349
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
He's going to lay his grubby
little paws on her any minute now.
350
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,320
I like you, Tracey.
Oh, I like you, too.
351
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,960
I've always had a thing
for short, fat blokes.
352
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,480
I think I'd say stocky.
353
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,960
I'm not one for mincing my words.
We're not kids, are we?
354
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960
Certainly not.
355
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,960
Oh, look at the way the light shines
on your pointy, bald head.
356
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,960
So, you ready
for a knock up or what?
357
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,800
Yes, yes.
358
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,960
Absolutely!
359
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,800
A friend of mine runs
a little, boutique hotel,
360
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,960
only 20 minutes' drive away,
you can show me that forehand grip.
361
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,960
That's just what I wanted
to hear you say.
362
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,320
Advantage Gibbons! Yeah.
363
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960
Busted! (CAMERA CLICKS)
What's going on?
364
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,960
We're exposing you,
for the two-timing rat that you are.
365
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
You had your finger over the lens!
366
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:49,960
Don't worry, I've still got this.
367
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,640
PHONE RECORDING: 'Friend of mine
runs a little boutique hotel,
368
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,960
only 20 minutes' drive away,
you can show me that forehand grip.'
369
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,960
So, either we play that to your
poor, unsuspecting wife...
370
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,800
And tell her about all your other
little bits on the side,
371
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,640
including Miss Howe.
372
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,960
Or you see to it that Travis Stubbs
gets reinstated at his school.
373
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960
Choice is yours, baldy!
374
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,160
(ELECTRIC FAN BUZZING)
375
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
I still don't understand
376
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,960
why Wills and Kate called their
little girl Charlotte.
377
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960
It's not very royal, is it?
378
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960
So what names would you
consider to be royal then?
379
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,960
Well, not Sharon, for a start.
380
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
Elizabeth, obviously,
381
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960
Victoria, Mary, Amber...
382
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
Amber?
383
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,960
There's never been a queen
named Amber.
384
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,960
Yes, there was - 'Amber Lynne'.
385
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,960
Look, I might be menopausal,
but I'm not stupid.
386
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,960
Alright, Mum.
How did it go?
387
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,960
Sorted. Miss Howe reinstated me.
Oh, that's brilliant!
388
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960
So why ain't you
jumping up and down for joy?
389
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960
A couple of mates
and I decided to celebrate.
390
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,160
The headmaster caught us round the
back of the science block
391
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,960
with a bottle of vodka.
Oh, Travis!
392
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,960
(LAUGHS) It's a joke.
393
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,960
Not a very good one,
as it turns out.
394
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,480
It's my hormones.
I don't need any more surprises.
395
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
Get your coats on, girls!
396
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,960
I want to find out if gentlemen
really do prefer blondes!
397
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960
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398
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960
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