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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,960
# What'll I do
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:08,960
# When you are far away?
3
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,960
# And I am blue
4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,960
# What'll I do?
5
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,960
# When I'm alone
6
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:25,320
# With only dreams of you
7
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:29,800
# That won't come true
8
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,960
# What'll I do?
9
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960
Oh, lovely.
10
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
Another British summer.
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
A barbecue in the rain.
12
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,960
Well, Garthy prepared it.
It seemed a pity to waste it.
13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,160
Quite right, too. We're celebrating!
14
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,960
It's not every day
I sell the film rights to a book.
15
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,960
So, who do you think'll play you
16
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960
in Sixty Shades Of Green The Movie,
Dor?
17
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
Obviously a major star.
18
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,960
Someone slim, dark, sexy.
19
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,640
Keira Knightly?
20
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,960
No, I reckon it'll be Danny DeVito
in a bad wig.
21
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,800
I understand your jealousy, Sharon.
22
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,960
The idea of me rubbing shoulders
with the Hollywood glitterati
23
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
does rather overshadow
the highlight of your week -
24
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,960
getting double Nectar points
on a family bag of oven chips.
25
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,960
(YELLS)
26
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960
Sorry, Dor.
27
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960
The day my film
becomes an international hit
28
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:45,640
and I can move out
and leave you far, far behind
29
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,960
cannot come soon enough.
30
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
Yeah, me an' all!
31
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960
Mum, I think my computer's broken.
32
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Well, stop playing silly games on it
and come out here with us.
33
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,960
It says I'm getting a Skype call
from Auntie Vera.
34
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,320
Vera can't use a computer.
35
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,960
She has to get a bloke round
to turn her washing machine on.
36
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Looks good, mate.
37
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960
Cheffing for you lot's easy, bruv.
38
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,960
We had five rugby clubs
in the restaurant last night.
39
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960
I had to do a Dorien...
40
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,960
satisfy the appetites
of hundreds of men.
41
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
(CHUCKLING)
42
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,960
(SKYPE CALL TONE)
It says it's her.
43
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Maybe someone's stolen her identity.
(SCOFFS)
44
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
Who'd want her identity?
45
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,960
Vera?
46
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
Maybe something's happened to her.
47
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,480
Tracey?
Oh!
48
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,960
You took your time.
I went for a Jimmy Riddle.
49
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
We didn't know you had a computer.
50
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
There was a course
down the community centre,
51
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,480
opened me up
to the world of the Internet.
52
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,960
The world's gonna regret that.
53
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Ratty little bloke called Harvey
down on the ground floor
54
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960
got me a computer cheap.
55
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,000
It's got a CPU file
56
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,960
and a 2.39 gigahertz
57
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,000
and 3.75 gigabytes of RAM.
58
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960
We've got a white one.
59
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,960
So, is this
just a social call, Vera?
60
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,960
No.
61
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,320
What's this?
62
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,960
It's an empty milk bottle, V.
63
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,960
Yes, and I can't refill it.
64
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,000
Lift's out again.
65
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,960
I can't get up and down
them stairs with my hip.
66
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
Well, can't you get Michelle
to get some groceries for you?
67
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,320
Oh, don't talk to me
about that article.
68
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,960
Moved to Israel, live on a kebab.
69
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,960
Look, there's only
half a tin of pilchards
70
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,960
between me and the boneyard.
71
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Well, what about your next door
neighbours?
72
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,480
Don't talk to 'em.
What about them on the other side?
73
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,960
Don't talk to me!
74
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Look, you've gotta do a shop for me.
75
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
What? Right now?
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:58,160
No, leave it a couple of weeks till
I'm lying dead in the passageway (!)
77
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,320
We're just about to have a barbecue.
Sharon...
78
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,960
She's got pilchards.
79
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320
What do you need, V?
80
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,960
Biscuits,
I like a nice Bath Oliver.
81
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,480
A tin of bicarb, it's the only thing
that shifts my wind.
82
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,960
Er...more pilchards,
a jar of Gentleman's Relish,
83
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,960
toilet duck
and some of them long range eggs.
84
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
Are you writing this down?
85
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Just put the bags down there.
86
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,960
You can put it all away
for me later.
87
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,000
Sit down.
88
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,960
So, how long have your lifts
been out of action?
89
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Every other week.
90
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,960
What I need is a swap
with a nice ground floor flat
91
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960
but there ain't none available,
are there?
92
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,960
And we all know whose fault that is,
don't we?
93
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,960
(BOTH) The immigrants.
94
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,960
No! Bleeding government
not building enough council houses.
95
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
You wanna be careful
talking like that,
96
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
people'll think you're racialists.
97
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960
Well, I think it's disgusting, V,
98
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960
you being imprisoned here
like this.
99
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960
Thank you, Sharon.
100
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960
I accept your offer.
101
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
What offer?
102
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,960
To come and live with you.
103
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
No, no! No, I didn't mean that.
104
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,320
Well, we'd love to have you, V,
but we just ain't got the space.
105
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,160
Chuck that old codger out.
What's her name? Doris?
106
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,960
Dorien.
107
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
We can't chuck her out,
she's our friend.
108
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Ish.
109
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,000
I'm family.
110
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,160
Family comes first.
111
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
Look, don't you worry, V.
112
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960
No need to uproot yourself.
113
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Me and Tracey'll
go down the council
114
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,960
and we'll get those lifts sorted.
We promise.
115
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,960
What are you doing here, anyway?
116
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,960
The possibility of Vera moving in
affects me just as much as you.
117
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,960
I want to ensure that our case
is heard in a powerful,
118
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,960
articulate manner without the
counterproductive use of profanity.
119
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
She means no effing and blinding.
120
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,960
That's the only language
these knobs understand!
121
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,160
Morning. I'm Martin.
122
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,960
Housing officer
and knob, apparently.
123
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,640
How can I help?
We're here about our elderly aunt.
124
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,960
OK, and what exactly is the problem?
125
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,960
No!
126
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
I'm not their aunt!
127
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960
You are elderly, though.
128
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,640
Our aunt's Vera Connolly.
129
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,960
She lives on the third floor
of Codrington House.
130
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960
And she's virtually a prisoner there
131
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
because the lifts
keep breaking down.
132
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,960
And we insist that you swap her flat
for one on the ground floor.
133
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,000
We have over 20,000 people
on our waiting list.
134
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,960
Well, if you're that popular,
135
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
surely you should
put your prices up.
136
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
Sort the wheat from the chaff.
137
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960
Is there any chance
she could come and stay with you?
138
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Out of the question.
139
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,960
There're already five of us crammed
into a detached house in Chigwell
140
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,960
and there's only two bedrooms
that are ensuite.
141
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,960
I've just seen a woman
with four kids, living in one room,
142
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,960
with damp running down the walls and
a level three cockroach infestation.
143
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960
I'll tell her about you,
144
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960
she'll be pleased to know
she's not suffering alone (!)
145
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,320
Right! Shut up, you.
146
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:36,960
Look, can you please tell us
147
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,800
if there's any chance of those lifts
getting a proper overhaul,
148
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,160
so they stop breaking down?
149
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,960
I'll go and check.
150
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960
But with repair budgets
being slashed to the bone
151
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,960
I'd say there's more chance of me
being made the next James Bond.
152
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,320
Oh, great.
153
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,960
Looks like we're gonna be
lumbered with her now.
154
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,160
So she moves in...
then I'm tossed out like an old...
155
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,960
..boot?
156
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,000
Look, I'm really sorry, Dor,
but she's family.
157
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,960
And I'm your friend.
158
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,960
I know, but I feel obliged.
Well, I don't.
159
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,960
Remember when Aunt Sylvie moved in
with us? It was a nightmare, Trace.
160
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,960
And we liked HER.
161
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960
Anyway, I thought you
were thinking of moving out
162
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
now your book's
being made into a film.
163
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
According to Get A Life magazine,
164
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960
you sold the rights
for a 'sex' figure sum.
165
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Press talk.
It was a mere 5,000.
166
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
Mere?
167
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
Well, that's not a lot
for film rights.
168
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,640
It's a bleeding fortune
as far as I'm concerned!
169
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,960
It's barely a week's rent
in central London.
170
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,960
Well, I'm obviously
not charging you enough.
171
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,960
But you'll be quids in
when the film's actually made.
172
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
Well, that could take years.
173
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
That's not what you said
the other day.
174
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,960
You made it sound like you were
gonna be besties with Mrs Clooney,
175
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,960
helping her pick out
George's Y-fronts.
176
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,960
OK, OK, I may have embellished
a little.
177
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,960
No, lied through your Hampsteads
is what you did!
178
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960
Well, I find myself
in a very unusual position,
179
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,800
I can actually
deliver some good news.
180
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,160
The lifts are going to be overhauled
as a priority.
181
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,960
Oh, that's brilliant.
Oh, thank you.
182
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,960
There was a counter proposal
to fix the drains
183
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,960
in an old people's home instead,
but due to budget cuts,
184
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,960
they're gonna close the home
and turf the old people out.
185
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960
(SIGHS)
Marvellous!
186
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,960
I would've put money
on you saying that.
187
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960
Here, Trace!
188
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,960
I've just had an email
from that nice man down the council.
189
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,960
He reckons they're gonna start
work on Vera's lifts straight away.
190
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
(DOOR BELL)
Travis! Get that!
191
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,000
Here, I reckon we really
dodged a bullet there. (CHUCKLES)
192
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,320
(DOOR BELL) Travis!
TRAVIS: I'm getting it!
193
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,480
VERA: Hello, Travis.
194
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,800
Why's she here?
Maybe she's come to thank us.
195
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,960
That woman's never been grateful
for anything in her life.
196
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Well, you've made a right cock-up
haven't you?
197
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
How? They're fixing the lifts.
198
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:12,000
But to do that, they gotta take 'em
out of action for eight weeks.
199
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,160
Someone better go and pay my cab.
200
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,160
The Blackwall Tunnel's
out of commission,
201
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,320
had to use the Dartford Crossing.
202
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,960
Fare was up to 75 quid
as we come through Epping.
203
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,640
So, where am I gonna sleep?
204
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,960
.
205
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,320
.
206
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
Ssh!
207
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,960
(Don't turn the light on, bruv,
we'll wake up Auntie V.)
208
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,960
(Right.)
209
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,960
(We'll grab that DVD
and watch it upstairs, yeah?)
210
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,960
(Be careful.)
Don't worry, mate, I know what I'm -
211
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Whoa!
(YELLING)
212
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,960
(BANG)
Ow!
213
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
What the bloody hell's going on?
214
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
I thought it was burglars.
215
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,960
What is she doing
in the middle of the room?
216
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,640
I thought you'd stuck her
in the corner!
217
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,960
I'm not being shoved away
like some old ornament.
218
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960
I like to be front and centre!
219
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
What are you doing
with my frying pan?
220
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
Hitting Garth with it.
221
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
I always keep a frying pan
under my bed.
222
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960
It's what's stopped me
being ravished in the night.
223
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,960
I don't think
that was the frying pan, Vera.
224
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,480
I need a brandy.
That almost gimme heart attack.
225
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,960
(Give it five minutes,
then have another go.)
226
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,960
Shoot him! Shoot him!
227
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,160
Hit the circle, hit the circle!
228
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,320
(EXPLOSION IN GAME)
229
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,960
Did you get my winkles?
Yep.
230
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
From the stall up the Bedford Arms?
231
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,960
Where's the Bedford Arms?
Back of my flats.
232
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960
I ain't going all the way
to South London for winkles.
233
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
I had to schlep to Woodford
to get these.
234
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,960
Are you comfortable there?
235
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,960
Well, I keep asking Sharon
for another cushion.
236
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,960
She's a lazy so-and-so, you know.
237
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,960
I've only had five cups of tea
since you went out.
238
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Got any pilchards?
239
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,960
No, sorry.
240
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,960
(EXPLOSION IN GAME)
241
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
(LAUGHS)
242
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960
You're not even concentrating
and you're better than me.
243
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,960
Why didn't you get her a cushion?
244
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,640
I am not waiting on her
hand and foot.
245
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:19,960
No, you'll leave that to me.
246
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,480
She's taking over
the whole house, Tracey.
247
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,960
She's been in there
playing computer games all day.
248
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
I mean, I often like
to sit and read in the lounge.
249
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:30,960
Why don't you just use the toilet
like everyone else?
250
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,960
Look, I know she's difficult,
251
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,640
but you should try
and be a bit more understanding.
252
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960
It's not easy
having to up sticks at her age.
253
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Even Vera might be feeling
a bit unsettled and insecure.
254
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
VERA: Die! Die! Die!
255
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,960
(GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS IN GAME)
256
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,960
You give her this.
And YOU try and be nice to her.
257
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
(SIGHS)
258
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,960
Auntie V's a really good assassin.
259
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Who'd have thought?
260
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
Cushion, Vera?
261
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960
Behind your head? Behind your back?
262
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960
(Over your face?)
263
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,960
Just there. Lovely.
264
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960
Are these sheets Egyptian cotton?
265
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,160
Not sure.
Could you check?
266
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,640
Only they're really chafing me,
I'm getting a rash.
267
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,960
Oh, I've got some moisturiser
you can borrow.
268
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,160
It rejuvenates the skin.
269
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:22,960
Don't bother, don't seem
to be doing you much good.
270
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,960
There is more elasticity in my skin
271
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:33,000
than in all the outsize, 50 wash,
grey granny knickers of yours
272
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,960
currently clogging up
the dirty linen bin,
273
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,960
you ill-mannered,
ungrateful old crone!
274
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,960
Dorien! Kitchen.
(GRUNTS DRAMATICALLY)
275
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,960
You can't talk to her like that.
She's our aunt.
276
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,800
Yeah, and I'm your friend.
277
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,960
She can't just insult me
when she wants.
278
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,960
Why? What makes you different?
279
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,640
Look, all we gotta do
is put up with her for eight weeks
280
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,960
until the lifts are sorted.
And then what?
281
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,960
We're never gonna get her to go back
living up on that third floor.
282
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,960
Well, we can't all live here, Trace.
283
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
Well, we can't just chuck her out
on the street!
284
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,960
There's only one option, then...
285
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,960
a home.
286
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
Drastic.
287
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,800
It's horrible,
but it might be the best idea.
288
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,960
(DOOR OPENS)
289
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,960
I couldn't help overhearing.
290
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
I think you're right, Tracey.
291
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Home is the best solution.
292
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960
Are you sure, V?
Yes.
293
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:37,960
I had a mate who ended up
in a very nice place in Eastbourne.
294
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,960
I could have a word,
295
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,000
arrange for you
to have a look round.
296
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
(SHOUTS) Me?!
297
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,320
You get your own room
to furnish just as you like.
298
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,960
Press says
you're coming into a tidy sum.
299
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Hope you two got a bit put by
for the stairlift.
300
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,960
I shall need it
when I move into Doris' room.
301
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,640
VERA: # And did those feet
302
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,960
# In ancient times
303
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:10,960
# Walk upon England's...
304
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Excuse me! I came in here
for a bit of peace and quiet.
305
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960
Me an' all!
This is the only room in the house
306
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,160
where you can't hear her
singing along to Songs of Praise.
307
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,960
# Lamb of God...
308
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
BOTH: Shut that door!
309
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960
I'm on a late shift. I came in
for a couple of hours' kip.
310
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,800
Well, it's only on for half hour.
311
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,960
No, she's just downloaded
another six episodes.
312
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,960
And the hour-long Christmas special.
313
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,960
ALL: Shut that door!
314
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,160
This is intolerable, Tracey!
You have GOT to do something.
315
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,960
What can I do? We're lumbered.
316
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,800
It's all right for you.
You're going in a home.
317
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,960
I am not going in a home!
318
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,960
You two, with me!
319
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,960
# Among those dark satanic mills
BOTH: Shut that door!
320
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,000
I think we're wasting our time, Dor.
321
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,960
Rubbish.
322
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,960
There must be someone on this estate
willing to swap flats with Vera.
323
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Bog off!
324
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,960
You're supposed to be here
to protect me.
325
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,480
And do what? I'm a chef!
326
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,960
You've got back up.
327
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,320
Where?
328
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,480
Me!
329
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:28,960
I think they're out.
330
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,960
No, there's someone there,
I can hear movement.
331
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Oh, my God!
332
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960
That's shocking!
333
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,960
Let's have a look.
Certainly not.
334
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,960
Your mother would never forgive me.
335
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,960
Yeah?
Good afternoon.
336
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Just a minute.
337
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,160
Harvey.
338
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,960
How can I help?
Erm...
339
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,960
I'm here on behalf of Vera Connolly.
340
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
If that miserable old bag's moaning
about that laptop I sold her, she -
341
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,960
It's nothing like that!
342
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960
She's interested
in doing a flat swap.
343
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,960
(LAUGHS) Sorry.
344
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,960
I'm willing to make it
worth your while.
345
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,960
Really?
346
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,480
Well, in that case,
you'd better come in.
347
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
Oh.
348
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,640
(SNIFFS)
349
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Oh! Urgh!
350
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,160
This soup ain't your best, Trace.
351
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,320
You've just tried that?
Yeah, and I wish I hadn't.
352
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:54,960
I bet you do.
353
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960
That's the water I used
to boil up Vera's bras.
354
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Apparently, normal washing
doesn't get 'em clean enough.
355
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Shall I chuck it or do you want me
to save it for your dinner?
356
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Shut up, Trace, I'm gonna be sick!
357
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,800
Something wrong with your neck, Dor?
358
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,960
You two, in here!
359
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960
What's going on?
360
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
I don't want Vera listening in.
361
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,960
She has the ears
of the old bat that she is.
362
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,960
Our nightmare is over.
363
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960
I've managed to find
a man in her block
364
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,800
who's willing to swap
his ground floor flat with her.
365
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:44,960
How've you managed that?
366
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,960
Well, I took him to one side
and offered an inducement.
367
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,960
(SIGHS) You filthy -
No, it was money!
368
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,960
How much?
I got him down to £5,000.
369
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Where are we gonna get five grand?
370
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,960
No, you don't have to! I'll pay.
371
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,320
I mean, I know it is all the money
I got for my film rights,
372
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,960
but I can't be selfish.
373
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:09,960
I'm willing to sacrifice the
whole lot just to get rid of her.
374
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,960
Well, that's very nice of you, Dor,
but we can't take your money.
375
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,960
Why can't we?
376
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,960
Because she's our family,
our problem.
377
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Yes, but that's why
I want to do this.
378
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,480
I want you to think of me as family.
That's how much you mean to me.
379
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,960
Oh, Dor.
380
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,000
I don't want to leave here.
381
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,960
I've got used to being a part
of all this.
382
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Are you saying you love us?
383
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,960
Tracey, I'm very fond of.
You, I tolerate.
384
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,960
VERA: (SHOUTS) Tracey!
Come and empty my commode,
385
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,960
it's up to the brim!
386
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,960
Let's do it. Right now I'd pay
five million to get her out.
387
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960
Lovely, innit, V?
388
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,960
Flat on the ground floor,
just like you wanted.
389
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,960
It's pokey.
390
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,640
It's the same as your one upstairs!
391
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,960
Well, it's this flock wallpaper
closing in on me.
392
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,480
I'm not overlooking
the communal gardens.
393
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,960
I used to like shouting at them kids
when they was playing football.
394
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960
No-one can call me a picky person.
I'll take it...
395
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,800
(SIGHS OF RELIEF)
396
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,960
..long as you buy me a new telly.
What?
397
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,960
You can't expect me
to go back to mine
398
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,960
after playing games on your big one.
399
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,960
Blackmail, is it?
400
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,000
You cunning old aunt.
401
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,960
Excuse me, before we start
getting ahead of ourselves,
402
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,960
there is the small matter
of my money.
403
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,960
Oh, yes, there you are.
404
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,960
Lovely. Now I can fly to Thailand,
buy myself a Mrs Harvey.
405
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960
I shan't be going
for a few weeks, mind.
406
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,960
Do you fancy a little drink
one night?
407
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,960
Now I'm wedged up,
I could show you a good time.
408
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,960
There's more chance
409
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,960
of someone mistaking that dead
gerbil on your head for real hair.
410
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960
You stuck up cow!
411
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,960
Oi, you nasty piece of work!
She's just given you five grand.
412
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:09,000
No, she ain't, she's given me
three thousand, as agreed.
413
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,480
You dunno what you're missing,
darling.
414
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,960
(GRUNTS IN DISGUST)
415
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,960
So, all that about sacrificing all
your money was a load of old crap.
416
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,960
Another one of your embellishments,
was it?
417
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,960
I only did it because I wanted
you to think of me as family.
418
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,960
Oi! If she's still flush,
I want a 50-inch telly
419
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,960
and a set of
surround sound speakers.
420
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,960
You know what, Dor?
You are part of our family.
421
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960
Am I?
Yes.
422
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960
You're crafty, cunning
and conniving.
423
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,960
You fit right in!
424
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,960
subtitles by Deluxe
425
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960
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