Original subtitles

# What'll I do

# When you are far away?

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do?

Oh, lovely.

Another British summer.

A barbecue in the rain.

Well, Garthy prepared it. It seemed a pity to waste it.

Quite right, too. We're celebrating!

It's not every day I sell the film rights to a book.

So, who do you think'll play you

in Sixty Shades Of Green The Movie, Dor?

Obviously a major star.

Someone slim, dark, sexy.

Keira Knightly?

No, I reckon it'll be Danny DeVito in a bad wig.

I understand your jealousy, Sharon.

The idea of me rubbing shoulders with the Hollywood glitterati

does rather overshadow the highlight of your week -

getting double Nectar points on a family bag of oven chips.

(YELLS)

Sorry, Dor.

The day my film becomes an international hit

and I can move out and leave you far, far behind

cannot come soon enough.

Yeah, me an' all!

Mum, I think my computer's broken.

Well, stop playing silly games on it and come out here with us.

It says I'm getting a Skype call from Auntie Vera.

Vera can't use a computer.

She has to get a bloke round to turn her washing machine on.

Looks good, mate.

Cheffing for you lot's easy, bruv.

We had five rugby clubs in the restaurant last night.

I had to do a Dorien...

satisfy the appetites of hundreds of men.

(CHUCKLING)

(SKYPE CALL TONE) It says it's her.

Maybe someone's stolen her identity. (SCOFFS)

Who'd want her identity?

Vera?

Maybe something's happened to her.

Tracey? Oh!

You took your time. I went for a Jimmy Riddle.

We didn't know you had a computer.

There was a course down the community centre,

opened me up to the world of the Internet.

The world's gonna regret that.

Ratty little bloke called Harvey down on the ground floor

got me a computer cheap.

It's got a CPU file

and a 2.39 gigahertz

and 3.75 gigabytes of RAM.

We've got a white one.

So, is this just a social call, Vera?

No.

What's this?

It's an empty milk bottle, V.

Yes, and I can't refill it.

Lift's out again.

I can't get up and down them stairs with my hip.

Well, can't you get Michelle to get some groceries for you?

Oh, don't talk to me about that article.

Moved to Israel, live on a kebab.

Look, there's only half a tin of pilchards

between me and the boneyard.

Well, what about your next door neighbours?

Don't talk to 'em. What about them on the other side?

Don't talk to me!

Look, you've gotta do a shop for me.

What? Right now?

No, leave it a couple of weeks till I'm lying dead in the passageway (!)

We're just about to have a barbecue. Sharon...

She's got pilchards.

What do you need, V?

Biscuits, I like a nice Bath Oliver.

A tin of bicarb, it's the only thing that shifts my wind.

Er...more pilchards, a jar of Gentleman's Relish,

toilet duck and some of them long range eggs.

Are you writing this down?

Just put the bags down there.

You can put it all away for me later.

Sit down.

So, how long have your lifts been out of action?

Every other week.

What I need is a swap with a nice ground floor flat

but there ain't none available, are there?

And we all know whose fault that is, don't we?

(BOTH) The immigrants.

No! Bleeding government not building enough council houses.

You wanna be careful talking like that,

people'll think you're racialists.

Well, I think it's disgusting, V,

you being imprisoned here like this.

Thank you, Sharon.

I accept your offer.

What offer?

To come and live with you.

No, no! No, I didn't mean that.

Well, we'd love to have you, V, but we just ain't got the space.

Chuck that old codger out. What's her name? Doris?

Dorien.

We can't chuck her out, she's our friend.

Ish.

I'm family.

Family comes first.

Look, don't you worry, V.

No need to uproot yourself.

Me and Tracey'll go down the council

and we'll get those lifts sorted. We promise.

What are you doing here, anyway?

The possibility of Vera moving in affects me just as much as you.

I want to ensure that our case is heard in a powerful,

articulate manner without the counterproductive use of profanity.

She means no effing and blinding.

That's the only language these knobs understand!

Morning. I'm Martin.

Housing officer and knob, apparently.

How can I help? We're here about our elderly aunt.

OK, and what exactly is the problem?

No!

I'm not their aunt!

You are elderly, though.

Our aunt's Vera Connolly.

She lives on the third floor of Codrington House.

And she's virtually a prisoner there

because the lifts keep breaking down.

And we insist that you swap her flat for one on the ground floor.

We have over 20,000 people on our waiting list.

Well, if you're that popular,

surely you should put your prices up.

Sort the wheat from the chaff.

Is there any chance she could come and stay with you?

Out of the question.

There're already five of us crammed into a detached house in Chigwell

and there's only two bedrooms that are ensuite.

I've just seen a woman with four kids, living in one room,

with damp running down the walls and a level three cockroach infestation.

I'll tell her about you,

she'll be pleased to know she's not suffering alone (!)

Right! Shut up, you.

Look, can you please tell us

if there's any chance of those lifts getting a proper overhaul,

so they stop breaking down?

I'll go and check.

But with repair budgets being slashed to the bone

I'd say there's more chance of me being made the next James Bond.

Oh, great.

Looks like we're gonna be lumbered with her now.

So she moves in... then I'm tossed out like an old...

..boot?

Look, I'm really sorry, Dor, but she's family.

And I'm your friend.

I know, but I feel obliged. Well, I don't.

Remember when Aunt Sylvie moved in with us? It was a nightmare, Trace.

And we liked HER.

Anyway, I thought you were thinking of moving out

now your book's being made into a film.

According to Get A Life magazine,

you sold the rights for a 'sex' figure sum.

Press talk. It was a mere 5,000.

Mere?

Well, that's not a lot for film rights.

It's a bleeding fortune as far as I'm concerned!

It's barely a week's rent in central London.

Well, I'm obviously not charging you enough.

But you'll be quids in when the film's actually made.

Well, that could take years.

That's not what you said the other day.

You made it sound like you were gonna be besties with Mrs Clooney,

helping her pick out George's Y-fronts.

OK, OK, I may have embellished a little.

No, lied through your Hampsteads is what you did!

Well, I find myself in a very unusual position,

I can actually deliver some good news.

The lifts are going to be overhauled as a priority.

Oh, that's brilliant. Oh, thank you.

There was a counter proposal to fix the drains

in an old people's home instead, but due to budget cuts,

they're gonna close the home and turf the old people out.

(SIGHS) Marvellous!

I would've put money on you saying that.

Here, Trace!

I've just had an email from that nice man down the council.

He reckons they're gonna start work on Vera's lifts straight away.

(DOOR BELL) Travis! Get that!

Here, I reckon we really dodged a bullet there. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR BELL) Travis! TRAVIS: I'm getting it!

VERA: Hello, Travis.

Why's she here? Maybe she's come to thank us.

That woman's never been grateful for anything in her life.

Well, you've made a right cock-up haven't you?

How? They're fixing the lifts.

But to do that, they gotta take 'em out of action for eight weeks.

Someone better go and pay my cab.

The Blackwall Tunnel's out of commission,

had to use the Dartford Crossing.

Fare was up to 75 quid as we come through Epping.

So, where am I gonna sleep?

.

.

Ssh!

(Don't turn the light on, bruv, we'll wake up Auntie V.)

(Right.)

(We'll grab that DVD and watch it upstairs, yeah?)

(Be careful.) Don't worry, mate, I know what I'm -

Whoa! (YELLING)

(BANG) Ow!

What the bloody hell's going on?

I thought it was burglars.

What is she doing in the middle of the room?

I thought you'd stuck her in the corner!

I'm not being shoved away like some old ornament.

I like to be front and centre!

What are you doing with my frying pan?

Hitting Garth with it.

I always keep a frying pan under my bed.

It's what's stopped me being ravished in the night.

I don't think that was the frying pan, Vera.

I need a brandy. That almost gimme heart attack.

(Give it five minutes, then have another go.)

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Hit the circle, hit the circle!

(EXPLOSION IN GAME)

Did you get my winkles? Yep.

From the stall up the Bedford Arms?

Where's the Bedford Arms? Back of my flats.

I ain't going all the way to South London for winkles.

I had to schlep to Woodford to get these.

Are you comfortable there?

Well, I keep asking Sharon for another cushion.

She's a lazy so-and-so, you know.

I've only had five cups of tea since you went out.

Got any pilchards?

No, sorry.

(EXPLOSION IN GAME)

(LAUGHS)

You're not even concentrating and you're better than me.

Why didn't you get her a cushion?

I am not waiting on her hand and foot.

No, you'll leave that to me.

She's taking over the whole house, Tracey.

She's been in there playing computer games all day.

I mean, I often like to sit and read in the lounge.

Why don't you just use the toilet like everyone else?

Look, I know she's difficult,

but you should try and be a bit more understanding.

It's not easy having to up sticks at her age.

Even Vera might be feeling a bit unsettled and insecure.

VERA: Die! Die! Die!

(GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS IN GAME)

You give her this. And YOU try and be nice to her.

(SIGHS)

Auntie V's a really good assassin.

Who'd have thought?

Cushion, Vera?

Behind your head? Behind your back?

(Over your face?)

Just there. Lovely.

Are these sheets Egyptian cotton?

Not sure. Could you check?

Only they're really chafing me, I'm getting a rash.

Oh, I've got some moisturiser you can borrow.

It rejuvenates the skin.

Don't bother, don't seem to be doing you much good.

There is more elasticity in my skin

than in all the outsize, 50 wash, grey granny knickers of yours

currently clogging up the dirty linen bin,

you ill-mannered, ungrateful old crone!

Dorien! Kitchen. (GRUNTS DRAMATICALLY)

You can't talk to her like that. She's our aunt.

Yeah, and I'm your friend.

She can't just insult me when she wants.

Why? What makes you different?

Look, all we gotta do is put up with her for eight weeks

until the lifts are sorted. And then what?

We're never gonna get her to go back living up on that third floor.

Well, we can't all live here, Trace.

Well, we can't just chuck her out on the street!

There's only one option, then...

a home.

Drastic.

It's horrible, but it might be the best idea.

(DOOR OPENS)

I couldn't help overhearing.

I think you're right, Tracey.

Home is the best solution.

Are you sure, V? Yes.

I had a mate who ended up in a very nice place in Eastbourne.

I could have a word,

arrange for you to have a look round.

(SHOUTS) Me?!

You get your own room to furnish just as you like.

Press says you're coming into a tidy sum.

Hope you two got a bit put by for the stairlift.

I shall need it when I move into Doris' room.

VERA: # And did those feet

# In ancient times

# Walk upon England's...

Excuse me! I came in here for a bit of peace and quiet.

Me an' all! This is the only room in the house

where you can't hear her singing along to Songs of Praise.

# Lamb of God...

BOTH: Shut that door!

I'm on a late shift. I came in for a couple of hours' kip.

Well, it's only on for half hour.

No, she's just downloaded another six episodes.

And the hour-long Christmas special.

ALL: Shut that door!

This is intolerable, Tracey! You have GOT to do something.

What can I do? We're lumbered.

It's all right for you. You're going in a home.

I am not going in a home!

You two, with me!

# Among those dark satanic mills BOTH: Shut that door!

I think we're wasting our time, Dor.

Rubbish.

There must be someone on this estate willing to swap flats with Vera.

Bog off!

You're supposed to be here to protect me.

And do what? I'm a chef!

You've got back up.

Where?

Me!

I think they're out.

No, there's someone there, I can hear movement.

Oh, my God!

That's shocking!

Let's have a look. Certainly not.

Your mother would never forgive me.

Yeah? Good afternoon.

Just a minute.

Harvey.

How can I help? Erm...

I'm here on behalf of Vera Connolly.

If that miserable old bag's moaning about that laptop I sold her, she -

It's nothing like that!

She's interested in doing a flat swap.

(LAUGHS) Sorry.

I'm willing to make it worth your while.

Really?

Well, in that case, you'd better come in.

Oh.

(SNIFFS)

Oh! Urgh!

This soup ain't your best, Trace.

You've just tried that? Yeah, and I wish I hadn't.

I bet you do.

That's the water I used to boil up Vera's bras.

Apparently, normal washing doesn't get 'em clean enough.

Shall I chuck it or do you want me to save it for your dinner?

Shut up, Trace, I'm gonna be sick!

Something wrong with your neck, Dor?

You two, in here!

What's going on?

I don't want Vera listening in.

She has the ears of the old bat that she is.

Our nightmare is over.

I've managed to find a man in her block

who's willing to swap his ground floor flat with her.

How've you managed that?

Well, I took him to one side and offered an inducement.

(SIGHS) You filthy - No, it was money!

How much? I got him down to £5,000.

Where are we gonna get five grand?

No, you don't have to! I'll pay.

I mean, I know it is all the money I got for my film rights,

but I can't be selfish.

I'm willing to sacrifice the whole lot just to get rid of her.

Well, that's very nice of you, Dor, but we can't take your money.

Why can't we?

Because she's our family, our problem.

Yes, but that's why I want to do this.

I want you to think of me as family. That's how much you mean to me.

Oh, Dor.

I don't want to leave here.

I've got used to being a part of all this.

Are you saying you love us?

Tracey, I'm very fond of. You, I tolerate.

VERA: (SHOUTS) Tracey! Come and empty my commode,

it's up to the brim!

Let's do it. Right now I'd pay five million to get her out.

Lovely, innit, V?

Flat on the ground floor, just like you wanted.

It's pokey.

It's the same as your one upstairs!

Well, it's this flock wallpaper closing in on me.

I'm not overlooking the communal gardens.

I used to like shouting at them kids when they was playing football.

No-one can call me a picky person. I'll take it...

(SIGHS OF RELIEF)

..long as you buy me a new telly. What?

You can't expect me to go back to mine

after playing games on your big one.

Blackmail, is it?

You cunning old aunt.

Excuse me, before we start getting ahead of ourselves,

there is the small matter of my money.

Oh, yes, there you are.

Lovely. Now I can fly to Thailand, buy myself a Mrs Harvey.

I shan't be going for a few weeks, mind.

Do you fancy a little drink one night?

Now I'm wedged up, I could show you a good time.

There's more chance

of someone mistaking that dead gerbil on your head for real hair.

You stuck up cow!

Oi, you nasty piece of work! She's just given you five grand.

No, she ain't, she's given me three thousand, as agreed.

You dunno what you're missing, darling.

(GRUNTS IN DISGUST)

So, all that about sacrificing all your money was a load of old crap.

Another one of your embellishments, was it?

I only did it because I wanted you to think of me as family.

Oi! If she's still flush, I want a 50-inch telly

and a set of surround sound speakers.

You know what, Dor? You are part of our family.

Am I? Yes.

You're crafty, cunning and conniving.

You fit right in!

subtitles by Deluxe

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