All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather S12E04 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

# What'll I do

# When you are far away?

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Oh, Reginald, you really raised
your game this evening.

My dear Foxy,
the pleasure was all mine.

(GIGGLES)

Victor,
you did Austria proud tonight.

Liebchen.

Oscar, that really was an
Academy Award-winning performance.

(GASPS) Tracey!

Trollop.

You've had three blokes in here!

You cutting down, Dor?

Everyone knows you need four
to play bridge, Tracey.

That's what you're calling it now,
is it?

I've got an impressionable teenager
living here.

Yeah, well, Travis is out.

And when he is in he spends
most of the time on the Internet

and I guarantee
he's not watching Postman Pat.

Exactly.

Travis isn't interested
in a bunch of old codgers

coughing and wheezing
their way to ecstasy.

What? I'm backing you up.

Well, why are you here, anyway?

Why aren't you at the theatre
watching Jersey Boys

and having a Chinese?

Because the tickets Sharon bought
were moody.

How was I to know?

You bought 'em off a bloke
called Moody Dave!

Well, you were the one
that handed over the cash

before checking that 'Jersey'
shouldn't have a zed in it!

So I reckon you're the one
that's let me down.

What? I'm the one
that's out of pocket.

All right! I'll pay you back.
How?

I just had to top up your
Oyster card cos you're so skint.

I gave you 20 quid last week.

A few bob from a lucky bet
on the horses.

Er...not luck, Trace,

perseverance.

When are you gonna bring in
a proper wage?

Well, if you don't mind -
I haven't finished with you yet!

How long do you plan on
sitting round here on your jacksy?

Well, if you had a job

you wouldn't be able to watch me
all day, would you?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

What was that?
I didn't hear anything.

Oi!

And who was he? The referee?

How dare you embarrass me like that!
Bunny is a senior High Court judge.

No, he's not, he's a dirty old perv!

I think they have to be, Trace.

You are not having orgies
in my house! (SCOFFS)

Oh, come on, Trace!

She's just filling her boots
before all her bits seize up.

You have no right to dictate to me
how I live my life.

You are being very judgy, Trace.

While you're living in my house
I can be as judgy as I like.

You two are as bad as each other.

A sponger and a tart, who both think
they can take me for a mug.

Well, that's it, I've had enough.
You can both pack your bags.

You're being ridiculous!
Do you think so?

You aren't welcome here
until you learn to act your age.

And you can only stay here
if you get another job

and pay me back for those tickets.

Stop mucking about, Trace.

You don't mean it.
You wouldn't chuck us out!

She definitely doesn't mean it.

Give her a minute,
she'll let us back in.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, you know her so well (!)

Why did you go and have to buy
forged tickets? You moron!

You were the one
that sent her over the top!

Shipping your boyfriends in by the
bus load! I have done nothing wrong.

Oh, so you were just playing cards
up there, yeah?

Yes.

Most of the time.
Exactly!

So, this is down to you.

So, where are you gonna
book us into? The Ritz? The Savoy?

I'm an agony aunt for a
cheap magazine, not Oprah Winfrey.

Travelodge it is, then.

Erm...even that
may be out of our reach,

I've left my purse inside.
Have you got yours?

Yes...but it's full of fresh air
and dead flies.

I've got an idea.

I'll call Brendan.
Who's Brendan?

He's my ex-landlord from Edmonton.

He's also a part-time
benefit scrounger

with connections
to the criminal underworld.

Oh, fantastic (!)

And how are we going to get
to Edmonton?

We've got no money.

You actually lived here?

So many memories...

and all of them crap.

What's that smell?
Like burning plastic.

Oh, that'll be the crack den
upstairs.

Trust me, it's a godsend.
Hides the stink of the drains.

Don't turn your nose up.

You're lucky that Laszlo,
who normally kips here,

has gone back to Hungary
for an holiday.

I can see why he'd need one.

For the working poor of London,
THIS is luxury.

In a couple of years even
these'll be executive apartments

for hipsters with silly beards.

It's ethnic cleansing of the
working class, that's what it is.

Well, any sort of cleansing in here
would be welcome.

Is there a bathroom?

No!

It's all right.

I'll steady it for you.

No. I can't, I can't.
I must have porcelain.

I'm only joking, Dor.

Bathroom's through there.

Just don't put the extractor on.

It blows instead of sucks.

You'll end up with a lungful
of whatever them in the crack den

had for dinner last night.

Oh, my God!

It couldn't be any worse.

Well, it used to be
when we had cockroaches. Ugh!

It's all right, they've gone now.

The rats ate them.

You have rats?!
No.

I borrowed a Jack Russell from the
nice prostitute next door...

that saw 'em off. Isn't nature
wonderful, Dor?

It's like a little ecosystem
in perfect balance.

This place is intolerable, Sharon.
You can't make me stay here.

(GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING)

(SIRENS)

Yeah, it can get a bit hairy
out there. (CHUCKLES)

You wait till Saturday.

It is just one night, isn't it?

I mean, Travis will make Tracey
see how unfair she's being.

He and I do have that special bond.

What, I can have her room?
With the ensuite?

Well, she's not gonna be using it,
is she? Yes!

And now I haven't got to
pick up after those two

I can be there just for you.

Do you want me to make you
a nice hot chocolate? Why not, eh?

I think I'll have a long soak
in my bath

then slide into my king size bed.

Can you bring my hot chocolate up,
Mum? Course.

Hold on! I'd better change
those sheets first.

(DOOR OPENS)

There really should be a lock
on that door.

Oh, I took it with me when I left.

Along with the light bulbs,
curtain rings, ballcock.

Well, it's what you do, isn't it?

Besides, flat this size,

ain't like you don't know
when someone's in the bog.

So, why have you come in here?

I need to go.

Look, are you gonna be long?
You can't hurry good skincare.

You wanna get them World of Quid
wet wipes,

one swipe and you're done.

It's also really good
for getting limescale off a kettle.

Probably play havoc
with my epidermis.

Oh, no,
I'd never use them down there.

Oh, Sharon!

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

It's not my fault!
I said I wanted to go.

No! Don't do that!
(EXTRACTOR FAN WHIRRS)

(COUGHING)

That is disgusting!
Get out! Get out!

Sharon!

Who the bloody hell are you?

Who are the bloody hell you?

This is my flat, temporarily.

I'm Carla, sister of Laszlo.

He let me sleep here
while he on holidays.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, but we have a
binding agreement with the landlord,

so whatever loose arrangement
you have made with your brother

has been superseded.
She's ain't gonna understand that!

Yeah, well, in Hungary she's probably
a professor of English.

Of course, and doctor of philosophy
and award-winning architect.

But I prefer come here,
scrub floors, clean crappy toilets

for one pound
less than minimum wage (!)

(SHOUTS) Stupid!

The point is,

we have a right to be here.

OK, OK...you can stays.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

WE are in charge.

WE get to say if YOU can stay.

What is answer?

Would you like an alarm call
in the morning?

.

.

(DOOR KNOCKS)

Oh! (DOOR KNOCKS)

Morning, Dor.

That Carla ain't getting
back in here in a hurry.

Where is she?

She left early for her cleaning job,

so I borrowed a fiver
off that nice prostitute

and nipped out
and got us a big bolt. Excellent.

Er...I don't suppose
you've had a text from Tracey

begging us to come back?

No.

No, me neither.

There's a cold,
heartless side to her.

When we were kids, she locked me
out of our Wendy house.

I mean, it was pouring with rain.
I was absolutely soaked.

The dye ran out my
navy blue knickers all down my legs.

My Mum thought I had
varicose veins.

Well, I sincerely hope
you're not weakening.

Last night was a triumph.
Really?

I slept on the floor
of a 21st century slum.

I had a coat for a duvet,
a stale loaf of bread for a pillow

and the Hungarian women's
snoring champion as a roommate,

but I survived!

I took the worst
this place could throw at me

but is my spirit broken?

No, it is not!

But if I go grovelling now to Tracey

then all my suffering
will have been in vain.

We have to show Tracey
that we are strong.

That we will not be dictated to.

Are you with me, Sharon?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I'll go back and flush that again
in a minute.

You were saying, Dor?
I said, are you with me?

All the way!

Where we going?

If those two wanna live
under my roof

they've got to abide by my rules.

It's my way or the highway, they're
not taking me for a mug anymore.

Mum, you're talking
to yourself again. Was I?

Look, I think you miss Dor
and Auntie Shal

more than you're letting on.
Rubbish!

I like not having them
under my feet,

gives me more time
to spend with my baby.

Look, I'm not a baby, Mum. I'm 18.

Oh, I know.
You're growing up so fast.

Mum, I'm already grown up!

I'm a man!

Look I can vote, can drink lager
in a pub, can join the Army,

can even have sex if I want to.

No, I haven't.

Well, you need a girlfriend
for that, but...but I could!

Well, you're still not too old
to spend time with your mum.

Let's go out later.
I'm already going out with my mates.

You can see them any time.
Let's go to the pictures.

No! People might think
we're on a date.

Just tell 'em you're out
with your mum.

Yeah, that'll make it better (!)

Don't be so silly,
we can go for a burger!

It'll be nice.
I'll get you a milkshake.

(SIGHS)

Who needs them two
when I've got my Travis?

Caused me nothing but trouble
when they were here -

(FROM UPSTAIRS) Mum, you're
talking to yourself again! Oh.

'Dear Tired of Solihull...'

Where are you going?
Oh, I just thought I'd pop out.

Get one of those smelly candles,
you know,

cover up some of the more exotic
pongs wafting through the estate.

Also, it means I can get out
from under your feet, you know,

let you get on with your work.

Oh, thank you,
that's very thoughtful!

Well, all for one and one for all,
sister.

So...

'Dear Tired of Solihull.

It is time to be selfish and treat
yourself to a damn good pampering.

As I write to you from...

..my palatial villa...

in the south of France...

..sipping on my Martini...

(DISTANT HORN BLARES CONTINUOUSLY)

I am

completely at ease.

(BANGING AND THUDDING)

Not even the sound
of distant thunder...

..can upset my equilibrium.

(DRUMS BANG)

(SHOUTS) I just concentrate

on the sound of the
classical quartet

playing a selection of Brahms

in the town square.

And I remain

perfectly calm.

Travis?
Oh!

Not trying to creep out without me,
was you?

No!
(DOOR BELL)

I just heard someone at the door.

AlL right, Shal.

I'll let you two talk.

All right, Trace?
What do you want?

You're looking well.
What do you want?

Have you missed me?
House is quieter and tidier.

I can open a packet of biscuits
and know there'll be some left

when I go back an hour later.

And you know that funny smell
I could never put my finger on?

It's gone.

I bought you this.

Do you think I'm gonna
let you back in here

cos you buy me some cheap
scented candle from World of Quid?

It's mango and wild cranberry.

Could have done with that
when you lived here.

Is that it?

Dorien says that you've
got a cold, heartless streak,
but I put her straight. I said,

"Oi, that's my sister
you're talking..."

Have you got another job yet?
No.

But I've got a dead cert
in the 3:30 at Kempton.

Did you not listen to what I said?

Bring in a regular wage or you
can find someone else to ponce off!

(DRUMS BANG)
This will not break me.

I am Foxy, I will survive!

(DRUMS STOP)

Yes!

Foxy is strong,
Foxy is a winner, Foxy is a...

DISTANT UNKNOWN VOICE: Loser!

Sharon?

(THROUGH WALL) Those drums
are the only thing you can bang now.

You've got no idea
how to satisfy me.

That's because
I'd rather sleep with your sister.

Satisfied now?
Tosspot!

Erm...excuse me!

I am Foxy Cohen, agony aunt,
you may have seen my programme.

Marital problems are my speciality,
maybe I can help?

(THROUGH WALL)
What? Who's that?

Must be one of them lesbians
squatting in Laszlo's flat.

This is a private argument!

Private?
The whole block can hear you!

Stuck up cow!

I'll show her!
(DRUMS BANG)

Oh, God, no!

(DOG BARKS)

Ain't you getting ready?

We're gonna be late
for the pictures.

I just had Auntie Shal on the phone.
Oh, yeah, what she want?

I don't wanna
make things worse, Mum. (SIGHS)

She offered me money to persuade you
to let her come home.

Conniving cow. What money?
She hasn't got any money.

Her horse came in, she rang me
from the bookies. (SIGHS)

I know, it's like sticking
two fingers up at you.

Right! I'm gonna have her.

This is how you're gonna
spend your days now, is it?

In here
with all the other mug punters?

Yeah, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Well, you're not living in my house
unless you get a job.

You may have mentioned that
once or twice before.

Don't you walk away
while I'm having a go at you!

Where are you going?

Look, you can't go in there.
You'll get arrested!

What are you doing?

You've got a job here, haven't you?
Yeah.

Me and Travis were just having
a little joke with you.

Oh, were you (?)

You think it's funny
winding people up, don't you?

Well...

No. No, not at all.

Well, I do. Ha-ha!

You should have seen your face.

Oh! I see what you done then, Trace.

Good one. Can I come home now?

No.

Erm...you're still
winding me up, right?

Trace? Trace?!

(DOOR OPENS AND KEYS JINGLE)

(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, about time, Sharon!

Where did you go
to get that candle, Aberdeen?

You're lucky I remembered
to take the bolt off.

(BED CREAKS)

Careful!

Oh, for goodness' sake, Sharon!

You've got a back
like a mountain gorilla.

I can even feel the hairs
through your vest.

You wear a vest?

When did you start wearing a vest?

(GASPS)

Who are you?
I am Laszlo.

And you are not my sister.

Argh! Argh!

(DOOR KNOCKS)
Who is it?

Oh, look, ignore it, Trace.
It's probably just some nutter.

Argh!

Tracey, let me in, please.

I've just had a dreadful fright.

Yeah, you and me both (!)

I've just been in bed
with a very large hairy Hungarian.

Well, don't come round here
bragging about it,

I ain't interested.
I'm not bragging, I'm traumatised!

I don't care!
You know what the deal was.

I won't have another man
in my bed again, I promise. (SIGHS)

What do you reckon?
Shall we let her back in?

Sharon? Is that you in there?
You Judas!

You double-crossing turncoat!

Why is she saying that?

Oh, you know what she's like,
right trouble maker.

Right, I say we go back to bed.
Sharon!

I'll bring you up a nice cup of tea.

Does Tracey know you accused her
of being cold and heartless?

You told me she said that.

Come on, Trace.

I mean,
who are you gonna believe, hey?

Her...

or your own flesh and blood?

Tracey!

Trace! Please!

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