All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather S12E02 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

It's only right that the boys
say a proper goodbye to their dad.

How many people have coupled
in the back of a hearse

and lived to tell the tale?
Well, if you put it like that...

I reckon we've been burgled.

# What'll I do

# When you are far away?

# And I am blue, what'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

I didn't think today
could get any worse.

First the funeral, then this.
It's left me completely empty.

Like my bedroom.

And the Old Bill weren't much help.

Well, of course they weren't.

As far as they're concerned,
we're criminal scum,

just because 30-odd years ago,
Darryl and Chris

got into a little spot of bother.

Involving sawn-off shotguns
and security vans.

Don't get cocky, Dor, they were
looking at you funny, too.

Yeah, well, probably
just star struck.

Don't kid yourself.

When they get back to the nick,
they'll be looking you up

in their Boys' Bumper Book
of Suspects.

I have never broken the law
in my life!

No? I'd say strumping a gangster
in the back of a runaway hearse

might be a teeny bit illegal.

Possibly.

But it will make a spectacular
finale to my new book,

and no horses were harmed
in the making.

Sharon.
Yeah?

Are you sure you didn't leave
your bedroom window open

when we went out?
Don't start all that again, Trace.

If I had, there wouldn't be broken
glass all over my floor, would there?

Only you do tend to
leave your window open.

Only because you tell me
to leave it open.

Only because your room stinks.

I wouldn't say stinks.

I would.

I'm amazed those burglars
weren't knocked unconscious.

If you're gonna get catty...
Catty?

I'm the one that's lost most
around here!

Some of my handbags
were museum quality.

Like their owner.

I bet your mate Lenny
had something to do with this.

He was so keen to arrange a big
funeral to get us out of the house.

Oh, everything's my fault, isn't it?

Well, now you come to mention it,
yes.

Mrs Finch says we can keep
the chairs till her next seance.

Oh, bless her.

Did she see anything suspicious?

No, but she's gonna have a word
with her spirit guide.

Who is Ray Charles,
so don't hold your breath.

She did say she thought she heard
the window breaking, though.

See.
But she must be confused,

because she reckons
that was after we got home.

Yeah, well, she lost the plot
years ago, didn't she?

Boys, can you do me a favour?
Can you run down the corner shop

and get something for dinner?
I can defrost something.

You can't, they stole the microwave.
Just go.

You broke your own window,
didn't you?

Well?

I had no choice, Trace!

I was afraid that the insurance
wouldn't pay up

if they knew
that the window was left open.

I mean, it weren't easy, either.

I had to run up the stairs while you
was down here effing and blinding.

Then I had to hang out the window
so that when I smashed it,

all the glass would fall
on the inside.

Because everyone knows
if the glass had gone outside,

the police would have twigged
it was an inside job.

What do you want, a medal?

A thank you would be nice.

All my sovereigns,
my ruby-encrusted watch,

my gold gate bracelet your dad
gave me for our silver wedding.

I cleaned up all the glass, Trace,

and that toilet the copper used
without lifting the seat.

You're so lucky those dozy sods
didn't catch on, Shal.

Can I have my dinner now, Trace?
All right.

Garthy?

Now, mind out, it's very hot.
OK, OK, I've got it.

Cheers. Thank you.

Sharon.
What?

I was gonna say 'be careful,
you'll melt my table'.

It's not my day, is it?

Is that your list for the insurance?
Yep.

They take much of yours, Aunty Shal?

No, not really.

Just my Picasso and my signed picture
of Pope John Paul II,

and the ruby slippers I bought
at a car boot sale.

They didn't take anything, actually.

Lucky old you.

Lucky? Lucky, Trace?

It's pathetic.

At least you had something
worth stealing.

One of them left a...souvenir
in my knicker drawer.

Filthy animal.

I hope you cleaned it up.

No, this.

Obviously felt sorry for me.

How much was that leather jacket
they nicked? 350.

Plus having my name put on the back.
I'll call it 500, then.

Mum, that's 30 quid a letter.
But they used loads of studs.

Sounds like Dorien.

Well, at least
you can replace yours,

your brother's lost his laptop with
all his school stuff on it.

But it's all backed up so...
so no worries. No worries?

I bought you that for your 18th.
Yeah, but it...

Weren't only school stuff on it,
was it, bruv?

See you later, Mum.

Oh, I like the new look, Dor,

can't see your face at all.

What's all that?

Receipts, photographs,
valuations of everything I own.

I tried adding it up,
but my calculator blew a fuse.

Well, why are you telling us?

So you can add it to the claim,
of course.

Your insurance broker's
in for a bit of a shock.

There'll be Lloyd's Names
leaping out of high windows

all across the Square Mile.

What is it?
You haven't let the policy lapse?

Of course not, I'm not stupid.
Oh, thank God.

Then, what?

Well, the thing is, Dor,
this is a family policy.

Yes, so?

So you're not family.

What?!

I'm sorry, Dor.
You're sorry?

Well, I thought you'd have
your own policy. Why would I?

I live here, I pay my way,
unlike some people called Sharon.

Well, doesn't that make me family?

Well, family are the people
you have to take care of,

even if they don't
make a contribution,

and quite frankly get on your
Brad Pitts most of the time.

Exactly.

Well, I am not taking this
lying down!

There's a novelty.

Oh!

Have you come to take the mickey,
too?

Can I come in? Depends.
You got a search warrant?

Oh, be fair, Tracey.

It's Mrs Stubbs to you,
Detective Sergeant Farmer.

Please? Mrs Stubbs?

Look, I'm here as a friend,
not as a copper.

Where'd you get the idea
we're friends?

Oh, have the boys in blue
made a brilliant breakthrough?

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Look, can I have a private word,
Tr...Mrs Stubbs?

No, whatever you've got to say,
you can say in front of Sharon.

If you say so.

This was the sitting room,
until they took the seats.

Didn't leave much, did they?

Well, that detective training
wasn't a complete waste of time (!)

Look, I know people think we don't
give burglary cases a high priority.

Priority? Those coppers didn't
even notice the broken window.

I had to point it out to them.

Oh, no, they spotted it, all right.

They're not quite as stupid
as they look.

Well, one of them isn't, anyway.
Of course, there's no law against

breaking your own window, Sharon,
it's a free country.

But there is a law against
falsifying an insurance claim

for pecuniary advantage.

Is pecuniary the same as money?

Yeah.
I was afraid you'd say that.

You moron, Sharon!
You complete waste of space!

What were you thinking? She wasn't
thinking, she doesn't think.

She functions on an instinctual
level, like our ape cousins.

Now I can't claim for anything!

We'll be sitting on garden chairs
and eating out of tin cans

until we drop dead of hypothermia

because they stole all the bedding,
too!

Well, now you know how I feel,
Tracey.

Look, can I say something?

BOTH: No!

There's nothing you can say,
there's nothing you can do.

I can, Trace, I can fix it.

Like you fixed that window?

I can talk to Lenny.

I'm not having some sleazy villain
recover my possessions.

So what are you gonna do,
hire a private dick?

Wouldn't be the first time.

.

.

Hello, girls.

I never knew you were friends
of the green baize?

Shall I rack them up?
I ain't in the mood for snooker.

Billiards?

You know why we're here, Len.

The burglary.

Oh, yeah, I heard, I'm very sorry.

Is that a confession?

You don't think I had anything
to do with it, do you?

Well, be fair, Len,
you are in the removals business.

Ah, but I've got an alibi,
haven't I?

I was at a funeral, with you two.

I told you, he's as useful
as a sniffer dog with hay fever.

And I thought you still liked me,
Lenny.

Yeah?
Mmm.

I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll put the word about.

Now, don't you worry,
on my nan's eyes,

I'll find the chancers
who robbed you.

And then there may well be
another funeral.

That's very Christian of you.

Anything for you, Sharon.

Now, you just go home,
and leave it to Lenny.

No time like the present, 'ey, Len?
What?

Oh. Yeah, course, yeah.
I'll put the feelers out.

Use it and lose it.

You're Foxy Cohen, aren't you?

I've just been reading about you.

You sure you're in the right
sort of pawnshop?

Quite sure.

Now...have you got anything
like this?

Hmm. It's a bit out of my league.

Yeah. This is Romford Market,
not Rodeo Drive.

Ah, that would explain
the lack of Kardashians, then.

If you're looking for a bit of
class, I've got a lovely necklace

and earrings, cubic zirconiums,
but you'd never tell the difference.

I'm not buying, I'm hunting
for my stolen possessions.

Oh.
Well, what are you asking me for?

Aren't you a trellis?
Trellis?

Someone who deals
in stolen property.

You mean fence.

Yes, well, it's all the same thing,
isn't it?

Sorry, none of this shmutter's
crossed my counter.

And you know what, Foxy...this is
really a job for the police.

The police?

They couldn't find their own
backsides

with both hands
in a brightly lit room!

Oh, well.

I need a result, Lenny.

Tracey's doing my head in.

I was just talking to Lenny,
he says he's getting warmer.

Maybe he should take that stupid
tank top off, then.

We just bumped into Mrs Finch.

Oh, does she want her chairs back
yet?

No. But she's had a word
with Ray Charles

and he thinks we should be looking
for 'a man who's not a man'.

Great advice from a clairvoyant
who's not a clairvoyant.

Ooh, no.

Oh, God.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

All right.

Look, slow down, I can't understand.

It's Dorien,
she's all out of breath.

I don't want to know why.

Give us it here.

Yes, Dor?

That's fantastic!

She's in Romford Market
and she's got a lead.

She's buying a dog?

We're on our way, Dor.

Where is he, then?
Inside, I imagine.

You imagine? I saw him go in,
I didn't dare follow him,

not on my own.
You'd recognise him again, though?

I won't forget that evil criminal
sneer if I live to be 100.

Well, that gives us a year
to catch him (!)

Come on, then.

(CHEERING)

Look, maybe you should go home now,
love.

Mum, I'm 18.
I'm as straight as the next man!

Have you seen the next man?

Good evening, Theydon Bois...
(CHEERING)

..and girls.
(FEEBLE CHEERING)

And those of you who are
still deciding. (LAUGHTER)

Welcome to our world famous
talent night!

Well, I say world famous,

they've definitely heard of us
in Billericay.

Now, first up.
ALL: Up, up, up, up, up, up!

All the way from Queen's Park,

I present the one, the only
Poxy Cohen!

(CHEERING)

That's him!
Are you sure?

Yes, he's wearing my
diamond 'D' necklace!

Hello, Essex!
ALL: Hello, Poxy!

Did you all enjoy my first book,
Sixty Shades of Green?

(CHEERING)

Good. Well, I'm working on a
follow-up, Seventy Shades of Puce!

(MUSIC STARTS)
Here she goes.

Come on, everyone, party with Poxy.

# Now there was a time

# When they used to say

# That behind every great man

# There has to be a great woman #

Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's the real Foxy Cohen!
(CHEERING)

On stage with me!

I can't believe it.
Boys and girls, this is -

Yes, this is the real Foxy Cohen.

(CHEERING)

But the only thing real
about this imposter

are the clothes and the jewellery
that he has stolen from me!

They're not stolen, I got them
from a junk shop in Ilford.

(LAUGHTER)

How dare you! That's my necklace.

Go on, Dor!

(GASPS)

Ray Charles was right.

Maybe we should rescue her!

Come on, boys!

Just get off me, you...

you...

Stop! Stop it.

You're making a show of yourselves,
stop it.

(CHEERING)

Cheers, boys. If you just put it
over there for now. Thank you.

Ain't you going to be hot in that
indoors? Doesn't matter.

I'm never taking it off again.

I'm sorry I doubted you, Barry.

Well, once you tracked down Poxy -

Did your job for you, you mean.

..the whole case broke wide open.

In fact, there's only one thing
we haven't been able to recover.

My laptop?
Sharon's Picasso.

C'est la vie.

Here you go, son.

Well, say thank you.

Er...thanks.

Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.

But every single episode
of Countryfile?

Weird.

(BLEATS)

First floor.

Second bedroom on the left.

(Yes!)

I'm going upstairs.

I may be some time.

As good as my word, Shal.

What's all this, Len?

Rag and bone men
don't usually deliver.

Well, it's furniture, innit?

Loosely speaking.

Yes, but it's not mine.

I know that, Trace, but the South
London underworld is shut up

tighter than a nun's naughty bits.

So me and the lads,
we had a bit of a whip round.

And that's the best
you could come up with?

You've missed the bus, Lenny.
We've recovered everything.

In North London.
No!

Well, what am I going to do
with all that tat?

Put it back.

Well, duty calls.

Thanks, Barry, I owe you one.

Oh, yeah?
What are you doing Tuesday?

Not a lot.

Oh, fancy a coffee, then?

That'd be lovely.

All right.

Come on, you.
Yep, OK.

As it happens, Shal,
I reckon you owe me one, too.

I mean, after all, I did
come through for you, didn't I?

I wouldn't put it quite like that,
Lenny.

What were you expecting, exactly?

Well, I'll let you decide that,
darling.

How about a little something
out of my knicker drawer?

Well, now you're talking.

There you go.
Don't go spending it all at once.

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