Original subtitles

# What'll I do when you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone with only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Put some elbow grease into it, Travis.

And is that banner ready yet? Oh.

I'm er...I'm doing it right now. Let's have a look.

Nearly there.

You had one job, Garth.

Oh, what? I could go and get another one.

No, it's too late now. She'll be home tomorrow. Just take it down.

And get on with the ironing!

Yeah, all right, all right!

Oi! Attitude!

Your mum's doing time for you.

The least she can expect when she comes home is some freshly ironed clothes.

Instead of those filthy prison rags they made her wear.

I thought they wore their own clothes. I won't tell you again, Garth.

Well done, Travis. Keep this up, you can get a job at Downton Abbey.

What are these for? They're sugar tongs.

Be careful with those. They're an heirloom.

Your dad nicked 'em from a silversmith's in Kings Lynn.

But doesn't the sugar sort of fall out?

Lump...sugar...Travis.

I bet Maggie Smith never has to put up with this.

Can't believe Mum's back tomorrow. This last month's felt like a year.

When she gets home, we'll spoil her rotten, yeah?

I'm gonna keep you to that.

Tracey! What a lovely surprise!

Oh, Mum! Tracey!

Have you escaped?

How thrilling!

Did you get time off for good behaviour? I always knew I was coming out today.

I just told you it was tomorrow cos I didn't want a big fuss at the prison gates.

Had enough of that with your dad. Thank God you're home, Mum.

It hasn't been the same with Aunty Shar in charge.

Well, someone had to be in control.

So I rose to the occasion. Didn't I, boys?

Yeah. You could say that.

Well, while you're rising to the occasion, any chance of a cuppa?

Course. Travis? Kettle.

Forget the tea. I brought a magnum of vintage champagne to celebrate.

Huh! Has your book started selling again?

Not really. But there's more than one way

a woman of the world can generate a little extra income.

Don't even go there.

Garth, would you? Only if he was desperate (!)

I'll get the champagne glasses. Where are they, Mum?

Top cupboard, left hand side. Er, no.

Top cupboard, right hand side. What?

I've done a bit of re-organising.

Why? Because the stuff you use the most should be in the most convenient cupboard.

It's all in the Bible. You haven't found God while I've been inside?

No! No, this bible.

Kitchen Commando... by Jed Q Kowalski.

'All the secrets of a professional kitchen

in one handy package.' Bit like me, really.

Right. To Tracey.

To Tracey. Mum. To me! Welcome home!

And to me.

The new kitchen supervisor of Broad Park Secondary.

You got the kitchen supervisor job? Why didn't you say?

Didn't wanna count my chickens.

No, that'd be my job. We got through 37 last week.

You're working with Shar in the kitchen?

Why didn't you say? He's on trial.

I can't get my head around all these changes.

So. How was porridge, as they say?

They don't. Look, I don't wanna talk about it. It's all history.

I'm moving forward now. I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna get myself a job

and I'm gonna earn a few bob... cos God knows we need it!

You could get a job in the school canteen.

There's always loads of vacancies.

We have a very high turnover, for some reason.

I'm setting my sights higher than that.

Which is why I did a carpentry course.

What do you reckon?

Without wishing to state the obvious... Look.

I know it's only got two legs. I didn't have time to finish the course.

Next time, I'll try and get a longer sentence, eh (?)

That's a load of cobblers, Garthy.

Well, plum cobbler's their favourite pudding.

We can't afford plums. What about erm...

..plum tomato cobbler?

It's not really the same thing, is it?

Then you shouldn't have gone overbudget on buying luxury ingredients.

Eggs are not a luxury.

They are for these kids.

Look. You're spoiling them for when they leave here

and have to exist on burgers and benefits.

Conrad! I didn't know it was hot.

Don't you have hot food in Romania?

Not often.

That is why I came to Britain.

Well, just clean it up, will you?

Look. These things happen in kitchens, Aunty Shar.

Mrs Theodopolopodous.

Not in mine.

Excuse me, Mrs Theo...Theo...

Do...po... Look, I've told you before, Cecily.

Just call me Mrs T. What is it?

They've sent a replacement for Bella. Which one's Bella?

The one who had a nervous breakdown. Oh. Lightweight! Right.

Direct her to my executive office suite.

Right. I wonder what pathetic no-hoper I'm gonna have to whip into shape this time.

Hello, Shar.

Trace! That's a nice surprise.

I ain't got time to talk. I've gotta interview some loser from the knob centre.

That'll be me.

You're kidding.

I thought you were gonna set your sights higher.

I was. I told 'em I was looking for something in bespoke cabinet-making.

Did you show 'em your stool sample?

They weren't that impressed.

They said this is the only job on offer. Take it or leave it.

Well, then, I am pleased to offer you the position.

(SIGHS) Come on, Trace.

It won't be that bad. You might like it.

Mrs T? I'm in conference!

They call you Mrs T? Huh! I can see why (!)

(CHUCKLES) You think you're such a big man, don't you, cowboy?

Well, I know what you've got in your hand and it doesn't scare Foxy.

Call that a pair?

(CHUCKLES) DO you wanna see a pair?

I'll show you a pair.

I don't mind you shouting at me, but I ain't having you having a go at my Garthy.

Look, it ain't personal, Trace.

Anyway, he should be used to it.

He did work experience for Gordon Ramsay.

Mum! What is it? I think I know how Dorien paid for the champagne.

How? She's selling phone sex.

If you wanna see what I've got, it's gonna cost you a lot more than that.

Travis? Go to your room.

What are you doing, you trollop?! Tracey, please!

You'll interrupt a sensitive transaction.

I'll bet it's sensitive! You filthy animal!

(SIGHS) She's playing poker, Trace.

What? I was just about to take those guys for the thick end of two grand!

It'll be your fault if I can't pay my rent this month.

Go! I think I'm on a roll here. Hold on.

If you're on such a roll, how come you can't afford to pay your bills?

Oh, you don't understand. Oh, I do understand.

I was married to a compulsive gambler.

Well, I'm not compulsive. I can stop at any time. What are you doing?

Buying some more poker chips.

Is that one of them new titanium cards?

I've never seen one of those. Hardly surprising.

May I?

Hold her, Trace. Travis?!

Done it. Get off, Tracey! Come here, you!

I couldn't hold her. She's like a wild cat. What are you doing?

What's it look like? How dare you?!

It doesn't matter anyway. Cos I've got online credit.

Not any more. Travis just froze your account. What?!

How? Told 'em you'd died.

I thought we were friends, Travis.

Look. It's for your own good, Dor. Exactly.

We were saving you from yourself.

It's called tough love. Yeah, well...

Now I'm £5,000 out of pocket!

How much?! All right. 10,000.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna do?! All right.

Just calm down, will you? Let me think. Let me think.

Right. I know this is crazy, but just bear with me.

I think I know what you can do, Dor. What?

Get a job (!)

Come on, Dor. You ain't helping. Well, this is very difficult for me.

I've never had to write a CV before.

If you're not even prepared to commit to a date of birth... All right!

May the 7th 19...

19... 1919?

That makes you 95. You're wearing well (!) All right!

1958.

So you were seven when your daughter was born (!)

Does it really matter, Travis?

How's your CV going? Oh! A work of fiction (!)

Doesn't matter now. We've found you the perfect job.

In the fashion industry. They want someone who's chic, intelligent, young.

Two out of three ain't bad (!)

Oh. My, we're eager (!)

Oh. Actually, you've got some quite nice things in here.

Of course. We have a very exclusive clientele.

Ladies who can't bear to wear the same designer item twice.

Oh, quite, quite.

Does anything catch your eye? There was something in the window.

The Chanel handbag. The Armani jerkin?

No. The job vacancy.

You'll need to speak to the owner.

Mrs Fishman?

(GROWLS) Melanie!

This lady's interested in the job.

Is she now?

Well, well, well.

Dorien Green.

'How the mighty have fallen.'

What's this? It's the tailfin off Apollo 13!

What do you think it is? (CACKLES)

I know what it isn't. Clean!

It's still greasy. See? That was your finger.

My hands are spotless! Well, of course they are.

You don't do any bloody work!

Do you want Health & Safety down here? Just wash it again.

Do you want a fat lip?!

Threatening the management, eh?

That's a first written warning!

Cecily? What are you doing?

Scraping, Mrs T.

Scraping what?

That bin is for vegetable waste.

This bin is for meat waste. You're mixing 'em up, woman!

But Chef made meat and vegetable pie.

What am I supposed to do?

Separate them.

Come on, Aunty Shar.

This is all your fault, Chef. We wouldn't have

all this waste if the kids liked your poncey food.

Organic meat in wholemeal pastry is not exactly poncey.

Around here, cutlery is poncey!

So. A little less chatting and a bit more chopping.

Don't you have a go at my Garthy. Everyone can see he's overworked.

Yeah, that's right. If I had a sous chef to do the prep... Ha!

A sous chef?!

It's a school kitchen!

Not Heston Blumen-bleeding-thal's (!)

And, according to this, I have exactly the right amount of staff.

Well, maybe your Jed Q Kowalski ain't afraid to get his hands dirty (!)

I'll do your prepping for you, love. Oh, would you, Mum?

I did time for you. This is chicken feed.

Er...excuse me.

I decide who does what in my kitchen.

Besides...you're not qualified to be a sous chef.

You're a plonker.

What did you call me?

A plonker is a technical term for a washer-upper.

Actually...it's plongeur.

All right.

You're a...a plongeur.

And a rubbish one, at that!

You can't talk to my mum like that!

Oh, yes, I can. It's my kitchen.

And you're the chef and she's a probationary plongeur...on a warning!

And if you don't like it, then you know what you can do.

Yes. He can sue you.

What do you know? You're from Romania.

Where I was a human rights lawyer.

Sue her...eh? Yes.

You have certain inalienable rights under the European Convention.

We could take this all the way.

I dunno if we've got time for all that.

Oh, don't worry about that, Garthy.

You've got plenty of time.

You're fired! You can't fire him!

You ain't Alan Sugar. It's my kitchen. I'll do what I want!

Well, maybe. But I don't have to put up with it.

Ow! Oh!

Second written warning! Right. That's it!

Everybody out! Come on.

Out we go. But... Down tools, all of you! Come on!

This design really shows off the slimmer silhouette, madame.

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

You've a real flair for this work, haven't you?

Do you think so, Melanie?

I'm so glad the fates have thrown us back together again.

It gives us a chance to...

reboot our relationship, so to speak.

Why did we ever become such bad friends?

You really don't remember?

I've led a very full life since school.

So you admit it was school. I have a vague recollection.

It's seared on my psyche!

It was the day we started at King Solomon Grammar.

You were the only girl I knew from primary school.

We were supposed to be bosom buddies.

We were. Although, you didn't actually have a bosom.

Unlike me.

Then why did you humiliate me in front of the whole class?

Moi? My father was not a wealthy man.

He couldn't afford the uniform, the hockey sticks, the tennis racquet.

It's coming back to me now.

So my mother bought me a...

slightly...

pre-owned...blazer.

That's right. And Daddy altered it.

And it was a perfect fit.

Except... Except, it buttoned up the wrong way.

Because it was a... second-hand boy's blazer.

And who drew attention to the fact?

Who tore it off my back?!

Who showed all the other girls that the name tag...

..said Norman Critchler?!

Dorien, what can I say?

I was young, I was insensitive.

Perhaps my breasts had gone to my head.

You can't imagine that I could do something like that to you today.

I suppose not.

Everything all right here? Yes, Officer.

We were just reminiscing about our school days.

Weren't we, Dorien?

Happiest days of your life.

(COUGHS)

Aagh!

(COUGHS)

Aagh!

All right. All right.

No hard feelings. A joke's a joke. But...

We do have 300 hungry kids to feed.

And you know what they're like if they don't get their E numbers.

So this is what I'm prepared to do.

I am rescinding all written warnings.

So now, you're just on verbal warnings.

Except you, Trace. You were already on a second written warning.

So I can only reduce that to a first written warning.

You're about as good at apologising as Vladimir Putin (!)

Well...what do you want me to say?

I'm not cut out to be a manager.

ALL: Exactly! That's all we wanted to hear.

So are you gonna come back to work?

On two conditions. Number one, you hire another plonker.

Done. And number two,

you bin that stupid book.

Must I?

Mrs T? What now?

That's organic recycling.

You're supposed to put it in the paper recycling (!)

First written warning (!)

Come on, you lot. Everyone back.

As I always say,

one woman's failed diet is another woman's designer bargain.

I'm quite enjoying this.

So how come I didn't know you were in the second-hand schmutter game?

It's only been a year. I needed a hobby.

One can only take so many once in a lifetime holidays (!)

(LAUGHTER)

That is so witty. Oh, my goodness.

It nearly slipped my mind.

While you were at lunch, someone brought in the most fabulous Zefferini blazer.

It would be...perfect on you.

Stephanie?

It's a little big. But it's hardly been worn.

And it can always be taken in.

I don't think so. I don't do second-hand.

You did once. And, if my eyes don't deceive me,

this is a boy's blazer too.

That is so funny. Because...

There was this impoverished girl at my father's school.

And she turned up one day in a second-hand boy's blazer.

And it turned out it was his.

He was Norman Critchler?!

What an amusing coincidence.

That's coming out of your wages.

Work here?

I'd rather scrub floors!

Mm! Magnifique.

Everybody? (BANGS ON TABLE) Everybody.

I just wanted to say...

..how happy I am that we were able to air our little differences.

And to come to a compromise.

You conceded all our demands.

Which turned out very well, I'm sure you'll agree.

Especially as I've been able to find room in the budget

for another plongeur.

Everything all right down there, Dor?

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