Original subtitles

# What'll I do

# When you

# Are far away?

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone with only

# Dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Hi, all. Ah, look at them!

What they done now? They're unloading the dishwasher.

Well, this calls for an ussie!

An ussie? BOYS: It's the plural of selfie.

Where are my nibbles? Have you checked your bra?

The canapes for my book group.

I want tonight to be perfect.

It's going to be a full house,

especially as you're going to be there, Sharon.

Ow! I don't even know if I'll come, Dor.

I mean, I haven't even read Crime and Punishment, by...

Dosty... Dosty...

Oh, Dusty Springfield, I love her!

Dostoyevsky.

You, Sharon, are to make me shine in front of Melanie Fishman.

I need to be the alpha female.

I need to overpower her. I need to be dominant.

Been a while, has it, Dor?

So when I say something particularly articulate,

you nod sagely and you say,

"You make a very prescient point."

See, all I heard then was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you might try,

"It's as if Dostoyevsky himself just walked into the room."

And then add,

"Dorien, you really are a consummate academic." (CHUCKLES)

That'll knock the Hermes scarf right off her saggy neck!

And what's in it for me, Dor?

Nibbles.

Right, Mum, we're off.

You're not going anywhere. What?

Why? Because...

you haven't given your mum a kiss.

I'm so lucky my boys get on.

Now, if you go underage drinking with him, you'll be in big trouble.

But if you take him underage drinking,

you'll be in even bigger trouble.

Mum, we're just... We're going for a..

..see a band. ..kickabout.

We're going to see a band... (TOGETHER) ..called Kickabout.

Do you want me to put my big rings on?

White Lion or Fox And Hounds?

White Lion's best on a Thursday, innit? Sweet.

She's got a nerve using this house for a public event!

She should be paying us - Uh!

You. You. I wouldn't mind if she did.

My budget's getting tighter than Dorien's face

when she bought them scrunchies!

Oh, yeah. I remember. She looked like she'd been vacuum packed.

Here, Trace, have you ever thought about using that money

that Darryl stashed in the attic?

What, the money them two violent, psychopathic criminals

asked him to look after for 'em? That's a brilliant idea...

if we all want to die!

But it's just sitting there doing nothing.

Day after day, night after night.

Seems to work for you!

Lovely of you to join us, Melanie.

Thank you, Dorien. It's delightful to be here...

in Hainault. Oi, Chigwell!

Beautiful scarf, Melanie.

Oh, how kind of you to notice.

These days, only a trained eye can tell Hermes from Hackney market.

Now...

I'd like to thank you all for coming.

I'm sure some of you are surprised that a top-selling author,

such as myself...

can make time for such a small gathering.

But you know what they say. Today, a sitting room...

In Hainault! ..tomorrow, the O2.

Tonight, we turn our attention to Russian classic,

Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.

With real Russian can-apes and everything!

Don't they look lovely? Compared to what?

If I saw one of those on the pavement, I'd shoot the dog!

What can one say of a man?

One Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov.

And man who has killed, a man who knows no longer

where his moral boundaries stand?

A man...

a young man.

A big man.

Sorry, I got a little bit lost there.

You make a very prescient point, Dor.

No, not yet, Sharon.

Look, I'm sorry, but this is all beyond me.

This book's so thick and everyone's got three names..

Can't we just get hammered and talk about Made In Chelsea instead?

(CHATTER)

No, no, no! No!

We are educated women.

We're discussing Russian literature, whether you want to or not.

Now, what do we think of Raskolnikov?

Well, it looks a bit dodgy, but it tastes absolutely fabulous!

Sorry, I mean you're a consummate academic, Dor.

(MOBILE RINGTONE)

It seems this book really appeals to you, Dorien.

Is it because Crime And Punishment is an examination

of a person pretending to be something they're not?

Someone with something to hide.

Perhaps. Like a saggy neck.

Will you two shut up? I can't hear.

What? Where are you?

Oh, my God! What is it, Trace?

Travis has been arrested.

Well, there's irony.

(SIGHS) Oh, Trace!

Aw!

So what's he done, allegedly?

He's been selling hooky fags. What?

(SIGHS) Kids, eh?

You take your eyes off 'em for one minute,

and they're stealing llamas

and drawing willies on pensioners!

Still, I suppose we were just the same. What you talking about?

The worst thing we did was dress up in tube tops

and beg a ride off Barry Farmer's moped cos he'd give us love bites.

And not just on the neck!

Happy days.

Have you managed to get hold of Garthy? His phone's switched off.

Travis said he'd pulled a redhead that works at McDonald's!

I thought he was scared of clowns?

I'm going to have to get him a solicitor.

How am I going to afford that?

Why don't you use Darryl's money in the attic?

Could you be any louder?

I don't think they heard you in Scotland Yard (!)

You wait till I get you home.

Who put you up to this? It weren't your idea, I know that.

I can't say, Mum. You always told me not to grass.

Telling your mum's not grassing.

But if I tell you, you'll tell the police - You bet your life I will!

Then I can't say, Mum.

Mrs Stubbs, I'm Detective Sergeant - What now?

Haven't you done enough, persecuting this young kid?

No. Not yet. I'm afraid we're going to have to search your residence.

Oh, my God! The attic, the cash!

The cash in the attic!

Oh, I didn't realise you lived in a blue light district, Dorien?

It's terribly common to curtain twitch, Melanie!

God, what am I living with?

What if they search the attic?

Look, you better go and distract 'em.

How?

By doing the Dance Of The Seven...vests?

Go on!

Don't worry, I'll defrost something when I get in. Yeah, bye now.

Ooh, I was just about to pop a French bread pizza in the combi oven.

Interested? It's got jalapenos.

No, thank you, Madam. That might constitute a bribe.

Ooh, they're very spicy.

Sadly, no.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Well, it's not impossible since both your husbands were crims.

Fair point.

Right - Uh!

(HUMS DANCE OF THE SEVEN VEILS)

What are you doing?

I'm doing the Dance Of The Seven...

Never mind.

Take a look upstairs. Yes, Guv.

And who might you be?

Well, I might be the rightful heir to the Russian throne.

In point of fact, I am Dorien Green.

Also known as Foxy Cohen.

An alias? You been in trouble before, have you?

What's through there? Just my book group.

Erm... I'm an honest geezer, guv.

You searched in there yet? They're having a meeting, Guv.

Oh, get on with it!

I hope you are enjoying the little psycho drama I arranged

as part of our book club tonight. Erm...

I'm sure you're agreed that it dramatises succinctly

how the might of the police can suddenly intrude

into a law-abiding community without warning.

So a big round of applause to the Woodford Green Thespian Society

for their convincing characterisations.

They're bound to find the money. They might not.

They're hardly Scotland Yard's finest.

Right, well, we've drawn a blank here tonight.

Which makes you a very lucky young man.

You know where the door is.

Hold on. Travis here was arrested with a large quantity of dodgy cigs.

Word to the wise, son.

You let us know who gave them to you to sell,

you can get off with nothing more than a caution. If not -

Sarge, something interesting out in the garden.

Has that hedgehog come back?

Oh, my God!

Travis!

I hope you understand this is now a very serious case.

I should probably rearrest you tonight.

Oh, no! But as you're only 17...

I'm going to give you 24 hours to make the right decision.

You tell us who is behind this by tomorrow,

and I'll make sure you don't end up

in a young offenders' institution like your dad.

When you went out you promised me you wouldn't get in trouble!

No. No, I promised I wouldn't do any underage drinking.

I didn't. Smell me.

I'll smell you, all right! I'll smell you up good!

That's very threatening (!)

You'd have been better off drinking, son.

Or better still, next time,

get yourself a moped, find a bird with a tube top,

and give her a great big love bite somewhere she won't forget.

(TOGETHER) Barry Farmer!

Who? Never you mind. Get in now.

You'd better tell us sooner or later,

if you ever want to sleep again.

Give him a break, Trace. He's just a kid.

And a good-looking one at that.

I think you're going to be very popular in chokey.

You'd better make sure you swap that snout you're so fond of

for a shank!

Cos you're going to need it where you're going, pretty boy.

Calm down, Trace!

What do those words even mean?

I don't know. I think I picked 'em up when I used to visit your dad.

Look, who put you up to this?

You all right, bruv? I've been better.

Some lowlife has got Travis flogging stolen fags.

When I get hold of him, I'll ring their neck!

It was me. You?

And they weren't stolen, they were counterfeit!

Oh! Oh, I see! Well, that's OK then (!)

Counterfeiting is a classy crime (!)

No, it ain't. Classy crime is when you nick a Picasso

and flog it to a German!

So you stitched your little brother up?

He didn't, Mum. I wanted to help.

Wanted to help? Dorien was right, after all.

I tried to bring 'em up proper, but it's too late. It's in their blood.

I must say, Dorien,

the Woodford Green Thespians were tremendously well resourced.

Five squad cars and a black Miura?

So in the context of tonight's excitement,

what do we make of Raskolnikov's claim

that his crime was predetermined by a force outside himself?

Was it in his blood, so to speak?

It's got nothing to do with my blood.

I did it so I could raise some money to buy a burger van.

But those moody fags must have cost a bomb!

Where did you get the money from?

From God?

Don't tell me you've touched that money in the attic?

I was investing it. I thought I could pay it back before -

Oh well, bang goes that cruise I had my eye on!

It was a buffet service and all!

I was going to have a prawn ring.

Finally.

Why did you have to involve your brother? He's just a kid!

I'm not. WOMEN: You are!

Look, Travis'll be all right because I'm going to take the rap, Mum.

So do we believe Porfiry Petrovich,

when he urges Raskolnikov to confess

when he says he'll receive a lighter sentence for doing so?

He's going to grass himself up?

Grassing up someone else is bad enough, but grassing up yourself,

that's like, I think the universe will implode.

It'll be better if I say it was all my idea. That's stupid!

Mum's right. I'll probably get a suspended sentence.

Garth could get prison time. Not necessarily.

Yes, necessarily. Travis, leave it!

What are you talking about? The thing is, Mum...

..Garth's already got a criminal record.

What? Sharon, get my big rings!

No, Mum! Wait, wait!

So... GARTH (OUTSIDE): I'm sorry, Mum!

Do we buy the plot device that Dostoevsky uses?

(SHOUTING OUTSIDE) When Arkady Ivanovitch Svidrigailov

happens to overhear the conversation between Raskolnikov

and Sofia Semyonovna Marmeladova?

Was that just a little too convenient?

No more convenient than when you just happened to be backstage

at that Wurzels gig, and there just happened to be a tractor and a pig!

I knew you'd read my book! I skimmed a copy.

Yeah, well, I bet it's really well-thumbed, Melanie Fishman,

and I'm not talking about the book!

GARTH (OUTSIDE): I didn't have a weapon, it was ABH!

TRACEY: Actual bodily harm? That was the original charge...

Everybody, sit down immediately!

And miss the Woodford Green Thespians at their peak?

Right, that's it, you sarcastic, superior bitch!

Book club over forever. Get out! What about next week?

Oh, you're very welcome to reconvene at my house.

It's considerably larger and I'm an owner occupier,

not a lodger.

Actually, I only came because I'm such a big fan.

I was hoping we might discuss Sixty Shades.

I particularly loved the bit where you go down on the submarine -

Yeah, this is not the right time.

I brought my own copy, in the hope that you might sign it. To Gail?

Yes, very well. I shall treasure it.

There we are. "To Gail. Get a life, you pathetic creature!"

Oh, thank you! That's so Foxy Cohen!

Get out!

Give me one good reason why you decked that bloke, Garth.

It was what he said about you, Mum. What did he say about me?

He said...that the only reason Dad turned to crime in the first place

was cos you were so demanding.

The cars, the holidays, the swimming pool... Well, that's not true.

He said you spent all day watching TV and eating chocolate biscuits.

He was probably talking about me, to be fair.

He said you was the reason our family was so screwed up.

So I put him straight, told him about how hard you worked,

and saved and worried about keeping our family together.

How you looked after me and Trav, made sure we wanted for nothing.

And what did he say?

He laughed in my face. So you hit him?

No, I hit him. You hit him?

He didn't seem to notice. So then I hit him.

He noticed that.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Uh, if Garth's got form,

he'll do time. That's why I've got to take the fall.

You can't. Well, Garth can't.

I can. (TOGETHER) You can't!

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Who the hell's that?

Girls, you know I don't like to intrude.

Nostrovia.

Oi! Shouldn't you be back with your book club?

Yeah, I've thrown them all out, pretentious posers!

Tracey, if there's anything I can do -

Garth smacked some bloke in the pub. I know, I was listening.

It was my fault he got caught.

Should've known a pub called The Helmet And Truncheon

would be popular with the police.

You can't both confess. I don't want both of my boys going inside.

Well, you're going to have to choose then, Mum.

Sounds like the plot of a Russian novel!

What one? I don't know, I've never read one.

How am I going to choose which son goes to prison?

Well, it's a tough one, Trace.

On the one hand, there's Travis. Clean record, A-levels coming up.

Bright future ahead of him. Handsome, clean living.

And on the other hand, there's Garth.

Tracey, before you say anything,

I just want you to know that whatever you decide,

I'll back you up. I will be there for you,

for the boys, even for Sharon.

And my exhaustive understanding of classic literature

means I think I know the decision that you must take.

TRACEY: Don't seem too bad in here.

Screws seem pretty friendly.

SHARON: For screws.

I don't think they like being called that.

I'm sure they've been called worse. So, how are you coping?

Honestly, Mum?

I don't think I can stand it much longer.

I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

How can you wake up in a cold sweat if you can't sleep?

Shut up, Sharon! Look, don't worry, love.

Another couple of weeks, we'll all be back to normal.

(BELL RINGS)

I'm really sorry for putting you through this, Mum.

You don't have to keep saying that.

You're my son and I love you.

PRISON GUARD: OK, Stubbs. Visiting over.

Back to the wing.

I love you, Mum. It'll be OK, Travis.

(SIGHS)

subtitles by Deluxe