Original subtitles

# What'll I do

# When you

# Are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only

# Dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do?

Oh, but this is absolutely ridiculous.

Celine, can I remind you

that 60 Shades Of Green was a worldwide bestseller?

Yes, I do think the Isle of Man qualifies as worldwide.

So I think it's up to me to decide

what my second book should be about.

And -

Oh, well, it seems it's not up to me!

Apparently, erotic memoirs are so five minutes ago.

Write about what you know, she said.

But you only know about sex. Precisely.

I need some wine. Hello, trying to concentrate here.

You struggling, bruv? Yeah.

It's this psychology project. You want me to have a look?

(LAUGHS)

You're serious. It's this one.

"Describe a real-life situation

that might fuel the controversial debate:

Nature..." What you're born with.

"..versus nurture." What you get from an upbringing and education.

"With specific emphasis on behavioural diversity

in a post-industrial society."

Mummy will make you a nice hot chocolate.

You've been sacked again, ain't you?

That's your 'I've been sacked' face.

Oh, how little you know me.

My sacked face is a study in resentment and injustice.

This is pure bloody anger.

My job is a war zone.

You are a school dinner lady.

I'd swap with you right now. No luck today, then?

Oh, I was on fire. Four interviews, four rejections.

Perfect score. Well, you wouldn't want my job, mate.

I work for a 19-year-old

who makes Kim Jong-un look like Simon Cowell.

Who? Little bloke.

Dodgy haircut, big trousers.

He runs X Factor.

I should have got that supervisor's job.

(POSH VOICE) But oh, no,

Keeley's got an NVQ in hygiene.

Well, big deal!

All that means is she can put her hairnet on straight

and she knows how to spell botulism.

Which, I admit, has come in handy.

But she hasn't got a clue how to run a kitchen.

(LAUGHS) And you have?

Yes, I have, actually.

If you designate different areas for specific jobs,

you get a better workflow.

Plus they'd save a fortune if they kept Michelle on washing-up

so all her dandruff didn't keep falling in the custard.

That's not bad, you know. We had something similar

when I worked in a two-star kitchen.

Only Chef called dandruff truffle shavings

and charged a tenner for them.

Look, why don't you do one of them NVQs? I ain't clever enough.

Well, this disgusting, greasy bag suggests otherwise.

Why do you tell people you're not clever?

Because the alternative means that she'd have to take responsibility

for her car crash of a life.

When was the last time you were dangled upside down by your ankles?

Quite recently, actually.

Isn't this what your project's all about, Trav?

Yeah! Yeah, you know what?

I should get you to do an IQ test, Auntie Shal.

Actually, I've got some here. Well, why don't we all do it?

I love quizzes. I might turn out to be more brighterer than I thought.

I should warn you, I do excel at this sort of thing.

If your head got any bigger, we could use it as a warehouse.

I'm going to take mine to my thinking room.

(LAUGHS)

"In the sequence: one cake, two biscuits,

two cakes, four biscuits,

four cakes, eight biscuits,

what comes next?" Huh. That's easy.

Nice cup of tea to go with all of them biscuits.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, this is so easy.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, hi, Celine.

I hope you are not expecting an idea already.

We've had one for you, darling. Had a quick word with Marketing

and they say spy books

are going to be bang on trend this year.

But I don't know anything about spying. Then you need to find someone who does.

I'm an artist, you can't bully me!

Now, but we can demand repayment

of the generous advance we gave you.

I'd like a moment to think about that.

I think a spy book would be great fun.

I'm glad we are on the same page now.

Ciao. Ciao.

Moron.

She wouldn't know literary talent if it blew up her skirt

and bit her on the backside.

I'm still here.

These results are really interesting.

One of you is virtually a genius. Well, I did warn you.

It's not you, Dor.

It's Auntie Sharon. What?

Impossible. You must have added them up wrong.

I checked it twice. You got every question right.

You did well too, Dor. You're in the top 10%.

Is that in the nation or in this room?

What about me? You are almost average.

Yes!

I can't really give you a mark, bruv. Top colouring in, though.

So I'm the thicky.

Well, that just about puts a big red bow on my day.

I can't believe it. Out of the two of us, I always thought I was the clever one.

It seems you've been hiding your light under a bushel, Sharon.

No, not really.

I mean, I've always been good at puzzles

and, you know, cracking codes, that sort of thing.

Not that it's got me anywhere.

Excuse me.

What's got into her? Oh, well,

when a pensioner's gotta go, a pensioner's gotta go.

Auntie Shal, will you come to school with me?

I think you're old enough to cross the road on your own now, Travis.

No, I want you to meet my psychology study group.

Yeah, OK.

But I should warn you,

me and education don't mix.

My last day of school, the headmaster threw a brick at me.

Never did find out why.

It won't be like that this time.

I want to show you off.

Schools look so different nowadays.

We never had lockers. We had desks with lids on.

If someone gave me the hump, I'd jam their head in it

and bring the lid down a couple of times.

Oh, happy days.

Hey, Travis. Really looking forward to this.

You must be Travis's aunt. Thanks so much for coming in.

My pleasure.

She's nice. Lucy? Yeah, she's Head Girl.

Really clever. Have you...?

No!

She is way out of my league anyway.

Do you want to sit down? OK.

Not there. Here.

Oh, all right.

OK.

Morning, everyone. This woman, who will be known as Subject A -

Eh?

It's just so I don't reveal your real name, Auntie Shal.

Stupid boy.

As I was saying, this is Subject A.

If we assume the human mind begins as an empty vessel

that is gradually filled as a result of education,

then Subject A's mind was left emptier than most.

Oi.

Interesting.

Denied any meaningful schooling,

her working life has consisted of

a series of low paid, unfulfilling, menial jobs.

Yet, recently, she has displayed very high levels of intelligence.

So does this mean

that no matter how good your genetic inheritance,

the inevitable result of poor upbringing

is an empty, meaningless, wasted life?

(DOOR SLAMS)

He used me as a bloody lab rat!

I was humiliated in front of a crowd of snotty-nosed kids.

I spoke to him and he said he's sorry.

He never meant to call you a useless, underachieving loser.

Problem is, Trace, he's right.

I've completely wasted my whole life.

Oh, that's good.

In a challenging personal development sort of way.

All I've got to show for the past 55 years

is a wardrobe full of cheap clothes,

a knackered mobile and a signed poster of Donny Osmond.

It's my poster, actually.

I'm worse off than I thought. No, you are not.

Your IQ test proves that you have the potential.

And I want to help you fulfil it.

Why?

If I can help you become a more developed individual,

then maybe you won't force me

to sit through another episode of Geordie Shore.

But what can she do? I mean, she's too old for a career.

Nonsense.

Gandhi didn't lead the struggle for Indian independence until he was 61.

I myself did not become a bestselling novelist

until I was...

in my quite late 50s.

And Colonel Sanders didn't open his first Kentucky Fried Chicken shop until he was 65!

Exactly. Come on, Sharon.

I want you to spread your deep-fried wings.

In fact, I have been online

and I have found the perfect job for you.

"Do you have a high IQ?"

Ticking all the boxes so far.

"Are you interested in other people?"

Well, no-one's more nosy than me.

Apart from you, of course.

"Ever thought of being an intelligence officer?"

Intelligence officer? What sort of job is that, then?

It's an intelligence officer, Tracy.

For MI5?

I couldn't be a spy!

Or could I?

.

.

Now, let's run over the questions for Sharon's mock interview.

MI5 ain't going to give her a job.

Well, they've asked to see her. Look, spies have to blend in.

Be invisible. If Sharon was in a room full of exploding frogs,

she'd still be the loudest thing in there.

These days, they want their operatives to be ordinary and common.

To infiltrate hotbeds of working-class resentment.

Like bingo parlours...

..and eel shops.

Eel shops? Well, I don't know, do I?

That's why I need someone on the inside, feeding me the nitty-gritty.

You are just using her, ain't you? Oh, you make it sound like a bad thing.

Sharon gets a new career and a feeling of self-worth.

I get a bestseller and loads of cash. It's win-win.

Sharon might not see it like that. She'll never know.

I'm going to give my spy novel that extra Foxy Cohen twist.

You mean filth? Yes.

And lots of it.

Forget Dr No, this will be Dr Yes, Yes, Yes.

(BELL RINGS)

(BAD SEAN CONNERY ACCENT) Oh, Miss Moneypenny.

If you're making tea,

I'll have mine shaken, not stirrrrred.

(LAUGHS)

If she's going to muck about, I've got better things to do.

Oh, come on, Sharon. Be serious.

Sorry. Sorry, I won't muck about, I promise.

I really need this practice. I mean, in the last ten years,

I've only had two interviews.

And one of them was under caution!

In the intelligence service, we value teamwork.

Can you give me an example of where you have worked

as an effective member of a team?

Yes, I can, actually.

When me and Fat Angela worked at World Of Quid,

we had this system for nicking stock.

Oh! Oh, sorry, sorry.

I should have said, "Fat Angela and I."

Our operatives have to be observant. Are you naturally observant?

I am. What colour lipstick is Dorian wearing?

Red, she always wears red, it goes with her eyes.

Wrong. Today, I'm wearing porno pink.

Oh, look, concentrate, Sharon. This is important.

OK. How do you think you'd stand up to torture?

I live with you, don't I?

Look, you are not filling me with confidence, Sharon.

Well, what do you expect me to say?

"Oh, yeah, I love a bit of torture.

Can't wait to get my threepennies wired up to the mains."

Have you got any questions, Miss Stubbs?

Yes, Miss Green, I do.

How would you tell a farmer his cow had died?

Depends how long he'd been married to her.

I mean, what kind of question is that?

Stupid. They like to ask you random questions, see if you can answer them.

Look, if you are on a mission,

you have to be prepared for the unexpected.

Are you prepared for the unexpected?

Depends what you mean. I mean, if it's someone...

creeping up behind you,

popping a balloon.

(BALLOON WHINES)

How did you know? I saw your reflection in her glasses.

See? I am observant.

I was born to this.

The name's Theodopolopodos.

Sharon Theodopolopodos.

(SPY MUSIC)

Do you want a dance or not?

Mum? You brought your mum?

No! Could I have a word with my son, please?

What's he done? Left his toys all over the floor?

Put a jumper on, eh, love?

Mum, you really shouldn't be in here.

That makes two of us.

I came for a job, actually. What sort of job?

A kitchen porter. But it had already gone.

I used to work in Michelin-starred kitchens,

now I can't even get a job washing up.

Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Marcy's left me, restaurant's gone bust.

(SIGHS) I've got an IQ of 17!

So? You'll get a new girlfriend.

Open another restaurant. What would be the point?

I take after Dad. Bound to screw it up.

You're nothing like your dad. You've got a trade.

One that doesn't involve waving a shotgun in a cashier's face.

You are a bloody good chef. If you want to rob people,

just charge them £9.50 for a starter.

If you want to get a job and get back on your feet, ask Sharon.

She's working for a school caterers. I thought she was going to be a spy.

Yeah, and I'm going to be a Lady Gaga tribute act (!) (SNORTS)

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Your mum's making all the slightly drunk businessmen feel uncomfortable.

She's got some front. I think that's part of the job description.

Any news on Sharon's interview yet? Not yet.

Garthie's making her a special dinner. What we having?

I'm doing a beef Wellington, pomme puree,

edamame beans and a roasted tamarind squash.

Ain't he clever? And to celebrate Auntie Shal's new job,

I've made a fresh cream strawberry cake.

But what if you don't get it? She'd still like it. It's cake.

You've got to be more optimistic, Tracy, she will get it.

She has to. My literary career could depend on it.

I won't be in for dinner tonight, Mum.

But it's a special one. Your brother's doing fancy beans.

Sorry, busy. You know Lucy from school?

Her mum and dad are out tonight, so she's asked me round

with my textbooks and a bottle of cider.

Go Trav!

You know what this means, bruv.

Yes.

Studying with the head girl means I'm guaranteed an A-star!

(CHUCKLES)

That boy is never going to have sex.

Good.

What happened? Did you get it?

No, that's her 'I didn't get it' face.

No, this is my 'I'm getting fed up with you

thinking I've got a face for everything' face.

They did offer me a job, actually.

Really? Yes! Yes! Oh, thank you, God.

Congratulations, Auntie Shal.

Oh, cheers, Garthie!

Come on, then. Tell us all about it. I want all the details.

Right, well. I walked into this room

and there was three people there sitting behind a big desk.

Then they started asking me loads of questions.

Oh, the one about the dead cow came up!

So I nailed that one.

Then after 20 minutes, they said,

"Congratulations, Ms Theodopolopodos.

You have exactly the skill set we require."

And that's when they offered you the job. Yeah.

As a bloody dinnerlady!

I told them, I said, "You can shove that right up your dead letterbox."

What? What?

What are you getting all upset about?

She was going to use you as inspiration for her new book.

Oh, I see. So all that talk about

me fulfilling my potential was a load of old cobblers!

It was all about you.

Self, self, self.

As per usual. Yes!

And how naive was I to think

that a boneheaded, slow-witted troglodyte like you

could just for once rise up

out of the repugnant primeval slime

that you wallow in and actually achieve something worthwhile!

You are right, Dor, I've failed again.

I think there's something we can both learn from this.

I've got to learn to...

lower my sights.

And you've got to learn to...

never, ever have a pop at me

when there's a cream cake on the table.

subtitles by Deluxe

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