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1
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..
2
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# What'll I do
3
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:09,960
# When you are far away
4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
# And I am blue
5
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,960
# What'll I do
6
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960
# When I'm alone
7
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# With only dreams of you
8
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# That won't come true
9
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,000
# What'll I do
10
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,800
I really love Dorien.
11
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,960
After all the things
I've said about that woman,
12
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she still treats us
to a winter holiday.
13
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,960
(SIGHS) Christmas
in the Canary Islands.
14
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,320
I wonder if we'll see any.
15
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,960
Any what? Canaries.
16
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They've got to have come
from there
17
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960
or they wouldn't have called them
the Canary Islands, would they?
18
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,960
Not necessarily.
I mean, the Virgin Islands
aren't full of virgins.
19
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,960
Well, not since Dorien
went there anyway.
20
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:08,960
Right, just time to make myself
a bacon sarnie before we leave.
21
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,160
Do you fancy one? I can't go.
22
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We've got syrup of figs in the
medicine cabinet.
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No, I mean I can't get on the plane.
24
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,960
Not that old fear of flying, is it?
25
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:22,960
Look, just take a big swig
of Dr Doze when we get on board
26
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,960
and by the time you wake up,
you'll be surrounded by
little yellow birds.
27
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Mum, it's the middle of the night.
28
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,960
Oh, couldn't you sleep,
Travis, love?
29
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What, with all the racket
you two are making?
30
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You're worried about us going away,
ain't ya? I could still try
and get you a flight.
31
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You can have my room
and I'll bunk in with aunty Sharon.
32
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I don't think so.
I might get lucky.
33
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Mum, I'll be fine.
34
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Look, I just feel so guilty about
leaving my baby at home.
35
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You've had a baby?
36
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You're my baby.
37
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Mum, I'm 17. Well, what if you get
all lonely and sad?
38
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,960
Look, I'll be a lot sadder
if I have to go on holiday
with three old ladies.
39
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,000
That told you.
40
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,480
Ooh, what do you think?
41
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,160
Er...
42
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Fabulous, Dor. You look like a
young Kim Kardashian.
43
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And what about this?
44
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Too much? (LAUGHS)
45
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
No!
46
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,640
No, not at all. I mean, a lot of
people couldn't carry that off
47
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but you, Dor...
48
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And these?
49
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S-s-stunning.
50
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,480
Just so imaginative.
51
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,640
Oh, for God's sake, Sharon.
52
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,960
The holiday's paid for.
53
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Just stop trying to be so nice.
It's unnatural.
54
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
So what'd you buy all this stuff
for, then?
55
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,000
Just to wind me up?
Only cost a few hundred.
56
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,960
Now that my book royalties
are flowing again
57
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,960
it is a mere bagatelle.
58
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960
It's a bag of something.
59
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,160
That's better, Sharon, much better.
60
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,960
I should have done a bigger shop.
What are my boys gonna eat?
61
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960
(SCOFFS) Not this bacon.
(DOOR RATTLES)
62
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,640
MALE VOICE: # Good King Wenceslas
looked down - Who's that?
63
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,960
..on the feast of Stephen.
Carol singers?
64
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,960
Cheers, Mum. Ugh, Garth.
I should have guessed.
65
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,800
Have you been out all night,
Garthie?
66
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,960
Well, you know what they say,
early worm catches the bird.
67
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,800
Well...that's not exactly
what they say.
68
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,960
I brought one home with me.
Is that all right?
69
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,960
I won't know until I've seen her.
70
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Where you hiding her? In this box.
71
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,960
What is she, a contortionist?
72
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,960
Feast your eyes on...
73
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,000
(GRUNTS)
74
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,960
..this.
75
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,960
Ta-dah. Oh, my God, what is it?
76
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960
An ostrich?
77
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
No. It's a pigeon.
78
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Don't be stupid.
A pigeon stuffed in a chicken,
79
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:01,960
stuffed in a capon, stuffed in a
goose, all stuffed in a turkey.
80
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,320
You are joking. You mean you've
never heard of a five-bird roast?
81
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,480
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Oh, that's the taxi. Come on. Oh.
82
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,480
Here, you might as well
have this, Garth.
83
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,000
I'm just going to go and change.
I'll only be an hour.
84
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,800
Cheers, Dor, you've saved my bacon.
85
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
Do you reckon Dor's
brought enough luggage?
86
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
No, but it's a budget airline.
87
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,960
She's making sacrifices.
88
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,960
Where are the porters?
89
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,960
What you doing?
Just a little marketing.
90
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
That's put them up
where they belong.
91
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Who do you think you are? Banksy?
92
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,960
This way they can't send them back
to the publisher.
93
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,960
That lady's scribbling in the books.
94
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Lovely.
Oh, and I better have some condoms.
95
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,960
What sizes have you got? The
bigger the better, know what I mean?
96
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,960
Just kidding.
I'll have a dozen.
97
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
Might get lucky, eh?
98
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,960
Keep the change, love.
Feeling flush.
99
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
I'd pull the chain.
100
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Have you got a bottle of Dr Doze,
please?
101
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960
Only I'm a really nervous flyer
102
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,000
and someone told me that a couple
swigs of this
103
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,960
will knock me out for the duration.
104
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,160
Sorry if I'm talking too much
but I'm a really nervous flyer.
105
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,960
I already said that, didn't I?
106
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,160
Sorry. All right, Trace?
Not really.
107
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,320
She's a really nervous flyer.
108
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,960
10.99 for some aftersun?
We do this for a quid!
109
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960
We do anything for a quid.
110
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,640
Pamela? Sonia? (GASPS)
111
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Hello. Oh, hello, darling.
112
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
Mwah. Shazza! Hello, you.
113
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,960
Oh, my God, you're getting married.
114
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,960
I didn't even know you was pregnant.
115
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,800
Trace, Trace, look. It's Pamela and
Sonia from World of Quid.
116
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,960
They're going Tenerife and all.
How do you know?
117
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Oh.
118
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,960
What you got in there?
This and that.
119
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,960
They made you pay for all those
books you defaced, didn't they?
120
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,960
I'm going to the executive lounge
to take refuge from the riff-raff.
121
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,640
Riff-raff?
Who died and made you queen?
122
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,960
Do I know you? I'm Sonia. You tried
sacking me from World of Quid
123
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,000
for nicking pick and mix.
No hard feelings, eh?
124
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,960
Girls, we've got time for a
cocktail, come on. Oh!
125
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
I just hope they're
not on our flight.
126
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,960
Aw, this will be a nice surprise
for Sharon.
127
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,960
Do you do gift wrapping?
128
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,160
My mum won't be back until the 30th.
I know, it's brilliant.
129
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,960
Mate, this Christmas
will make the Inbetweeners
look like Sound of Music.
130
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,960
No, it's just me and my brother.
His girlfriend shoved off
back to Australia.
131
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,960
Do you, er, want a hand with them
lights? I'll call you back.
132
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,160
Sorry, mate. I didn't see you there.
What I said about Marcie - It's true.
133
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960
She did shove off back to Australia.
134
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,800
You never said, you know...why.
135
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,960
Just homesick? So she said,
136
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,960
but I was never much cop at
long-term relationships.
137
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,960
First few months are always
brilliant.
138
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
Basically you only get out of bed to
order pizza,
139
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,960
do you know what I mean?
140
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,960
Not really. But then you realise
you've got nothing in common
141
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
except you don't like anchovies.
142
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,960
What do you mean, not really?
143
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,000
I've just never had...
144
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,960
you know... What?
145
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,800
Anchovies?
146
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
No. It.
147
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,480
You have never had 'it'?
148
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,960
Bruv, this has gotta change.
149
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,960
I'm gonna make sure that my little
brother has a Christmas to remember.
150
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,960
Chantelle, it's Garth,
your little stud muffin.
151
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,960
Woo-hoo! Tenerife, here we come!
152
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,320
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
153
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,960
How comes you got extra legroom?
154
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,320
It ain't like you've got extra legs.
155
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,960
Remind me how much you paid
for your seat, Sharon.
156
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,960
Sorry, Dor. Party, party, party!
157
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,960
We meet again, lovely lady.
158
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Nice and cosy.
159
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,320
Ah.
160
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,960
(SIGHS) Who'd have thought when we
were buying condoms together, eh?
161
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,800
Tracey Stubbs!
162
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,960
Would you mind wiggling your bottom,
Tracey?
163
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,160
Do you want a fat lip?
164
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,320
No, you're sitting on my prong.
165
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Of course, the only reason
we have to wear these
166
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
is in the event of a crash,
it's easier to identify the corpses.
167
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,960
Their eyes met over the superb
caviar canapes,
168
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960
which were the signature pre-dinner
nibbles of Air on a G String,
169
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,960
the world's sexiest airline.
170
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,960
Business or pleasure, he enquired,
171
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,640
a naughty twinkle in his
clear, blue eyes.
172
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,960
Excuse me, would you mind not
reading aloud?
173
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Oh, no, I'm not reading,
I'm writing.
174
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,320
Actually, I'm dictating.
175
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:05,320
Maybe you've heard of my first book,
60 Shades of Green.
176
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,960
Maybe your wife. I'm not married.
177
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960
Widowed?
178
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,640
Divorced? Gay?
179
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960
You're interrupting a private
conversation, Sharon. I know.
180
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,960
So, you now know what I do.
How about you?
181
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,960
I work for the airline. (Gay.)
182
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:34,960
(BEEP) TANNOY: 'This is Captain
James Banner welcoming you aboard
flight 80212 to Tenerife.
183
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,960
Unfortunately our take-off
has been slightly delayed
184
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,640
due to fallout from yesterday's
Sahara desert sandstorm.'
185
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,960
Oh. Oh. (PASSENGERS MURMUR)
186
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,640
Oh, my God.
187
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,960
Please calm yourself.
There's nothing to worry about.
188
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,960
How do you know?
I'm chief engineer for the airline
189
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,960
and I can assure you these planes
have an exemplary safety record.
190
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,960
You don't crash often, then?
No. Just the once.
191
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Whose side are you on?
192
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,960
I was in Australia
but now I am back,
193
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
I'm buff and I am ready to party.
194
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,960
Be just like old times. You, me
and a bottle of tequila.
195
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,960
Oh. When's it due?
196
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,960
Really? Oh, congratulations.
197
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960
You can call him Jesus.
198
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,960
Another one bites the dust, then?
199
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,960
That's six loved up, five moved away
200
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960
and one sex change.
201
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,800
He was up for it, though.
202
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,960
This bit creases me up.
'Place the oxygen mask over
your face and breathe normally'.
203
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,960
It ought to say,
'Place the mask over your face
and scream hysterically
204
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
as the plane plummets from the sky'.
205
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
Oops. Oh! How did that happen?
206
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:59,160
I don't usually fly budget
but there's nothing
like real-life experience
207
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,960
to get the creative juices flowing.
208
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:08,960
For instance, it just occurred
to me that Foxy, my alter ego
might join the 50-foot high club.
209
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,960
The which?
It's like the mile high club
210
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,800
except you do it while the plane
is still on the ground.
What do you think?
211
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,960
I don't read
a great deal of fiction.
212
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Oh. (That's not what I mean.)
213
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
I always research my books
thoroughly
214
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,960
because you can't beat the smack of
authenticity. (If you get my drift.)
215
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960
You mean - ?
(Don't say another word.)
216
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,960
I'll go to the you-know-where...
217
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:45,960
..you take a few seconds
and then casually slip in.
218
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Oh, Captain Jonathan,
pilot my plane.
219
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:35,960
Little did the passengers realise
that the flight delay was not the
result of some fictional sandstorm
220
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,960
but of the very real sex storm
raging in the first class lavatory.
221
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960
Toilet. Bathroom.
222
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,960
Decide later.
223
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,000
As Foxy and Captain Jonathan
wrestled each other's clothes off
224
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,960
with wanton abandon... Oh, Foxy,
225
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,160
this is good.
226
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,800
Where's he got to?
227
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,160
Hello? (DORIEN KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Jonathan?
228
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,960
Jonathan.
229
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
Anybody?
230
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,320
Hello!
231
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,960
Let me out! (RATTLES DOOR)
232
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960
What's that banging? DORIEN: Hello!
233
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,480
Must be Dorien.
What's she doing in there?
234
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,960
DORIEN: Hello! (BANGING ON DOOR)
235
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960
Assuming the brace position,
I expect.
236
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,960
Hello!
237
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,960
..
238
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,000
..
239
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,960
I have never been so humiliated.
240
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,960
Not since -
The last time you were humiliated?
241
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960
Trollop. I beg your pardon?
242
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Three across, 'Victorian novelist,
contemporary of Dickens'.
243
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960
Oh.
244
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Tart. What?
245
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,480
Three down, acid dessert.
246
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,800
How did you make that out?
247
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,960
Well, with tart as a dessert,
and an acid remark is tart.
248
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:13,480
Right, seven down, what's left over
after a coal mine closes?
249
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,960
Unemployed miners.
250
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,960
Slag. That's it.
251
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Nothing to do now.
252
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
Can I borrow your Danielle Steel,
Trace?
253
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,960
It's in my case. I'll get it.
You wait there.
254
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,960
Hold on. (BEEP)
TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Banner speaking.
255
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
On behalf of Air Today,
I'd like to apologise for the delay
256
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,960
I've just heard from air traffic
control that we have at last been
cleared for take-off.'
257
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960
Yeah.
FEMALE PASSENGER: Yay, woo-hoo!
258
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,960
'So can you please return to your
seat, fasten your seat belts
259
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,960
and switch all electronic devices
to flight mode.'
260
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,800
That includes
your Korean love eggs, Dor.
261
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,960
'In addition, can you make sure
your tray table is folded away,
262
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,960
your armrest is down and you're
seated in an upright position.
263
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960
Senior cabin members,
doors for automatic cross check.'
264
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
(SNORING)
265
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:20,960
(LOWERED VOICE) And then, all
passions slaked, Foxy unfolded him
in her slim yet well toned arms
266
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:25,640
and whispered...something wet
and sticky just hit me in the face.
267
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,960
You need to work on your dialogue.
268
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,960
No, something wet and sticky
really did just...
269
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,960
Now it's on my hair. Stewardess.
270
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960
Stewardess!
271
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,960
You again. What now?
Up there. Something is leaking.
272
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960
The fuel line is fractured.
I'm sure it's nothing, sir.
273
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Is this is anyone's?
274
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
(TRACEY SNORES)
275
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Anybody's? No.
276
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,960
What's that smell?
277
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Almonds.
I-i-it's probably just sun oil.
278
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
I will investigate further, though.
279
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Don't lie to us. Everyone knows
what the smell of almonds means -
280
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,960
plastic explosions.
It's a bomb. Brace, brace, brace!
281
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,960
(PASSENGERS SCREAM AND PANIC) It's
a bomb. Trace! Trace, it's a bomb!
282
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,160
Everybody keep calm!
283
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,480
(SIRENS)
284
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,960
It's all right, Trace,
come on, I'm here.
285
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,960
There you go. There you go.
286
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,960
Jump.
287
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960
So you got
your leg over him after all.
288
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,160
What's happened, Dor?
You've gone all little.
289
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,960
Because that awful stewardess made
me abandon my favourite shoes.
290
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
Who cares about shoes?
The plane could explode any second.
291
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Oh, no! I've got ten grand's
worth of jewellery in my bag.
292
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,960
You ain't. No, of course I ain't but
insurance don't know that, do they?
293
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,000
What's he doing?
294
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Taking the suspect device away
to destroy it, obviously.
295
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,960
That ain't a suspect device.
296
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960
That's Sharon's Christmas present.
297
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,960
What? What?
298
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
You're giving her explosives?
299
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,960
Don't be stupid. It's bath stuff.
300
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,960
So you brought air traffic to
a standstill over half of Europe?
301
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,960
Unbelievable.
Oi. It's your fault, not Tracey's.
302
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:44,960
We'd be on the beach by now
if you hadn't reacted like
an hysterical little schoolboy.
303
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,960
Everybody, we're trying
to get you all booked
on a rescheduled flight tomorrow.
304
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
(CHEERING) I should hope so.
305
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Except you. I can assure you,
you will never fly Air Today again.
306
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,320
And goodwill to all men.
307
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:05,960
Hang on a minute. Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!
308
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,960
A-ha-ha!
309
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960
Go on, Dor! Woo! (LAUGHTER)
310
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,960
What was all that about?
The cow was wearing my Manolos.
311
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,960
So, now what?
312
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,960
All back to mine. Ours. Ours.
313
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,960
You said there were going
to be chicks, bitch.
314
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,160
They're just not here yet,
all right?
315
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,960
You keep saying that, bitch,
316
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960
but I'm starting to think
you're just jiving with me.
317
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,960
Why does he talk like that?
318
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Where is he from anyway?
Basildon New Town.
319
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,960
He's watched Breaking Bad 13 times.
320
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,640
15 times, bitch.
321
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,960
The choice was between coming here
322
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960
and going carol-singing round
my Nan's rest home.
323
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
I think I made the wrong decision.
324
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,640
I remember Christmas
in the bad times
325
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,960
when Lithuania suffered
under the Communist yoke.
326
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:30,960
There was no joy.
No food, no drink, no Internet...
327
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,960
This is worse.
328
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,160
What is wrong with you lot?
329
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,960
We've given you free booze,
unlimited tortilla chips...
330
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,960
You promised us hot chicks.
(FEMALE VOICES SCREAM AND LAUGH)
331
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,960
Have a look, fresh meat. Mm,
you're getting married, remember.
332
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,960
Not 'til next week. (LAUGHS)
333
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,960
Where'd they come from?
I have no idea.
334
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Father Christmas?
335
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,960
(MUSIC PLAYS) Woo!
336
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Oh, yeah!
337
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
(MUSIC STOPS)
338
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Mum? Mum.
339
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,960
Why ain't you in the Canaries?
340
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,960
Because I missed you two too much.
Come here. Oh, Mum, no. Oh. Oh, what?
341
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,960
She hijacked the plane
and flew it to Chigwell.
342
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Good job we did come back
when we did. This place
looks like a bomb's hit it.
343
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Don't you mention bombs to me.
344
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,960
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(SCREAMING AND CHEERING) Woo!
345
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,960
Hello, who might you be?
346
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,800
This is my mate Jonas
from Lithuania.
347
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:53,960
Oh, Lithuania,
land of lakes and balalaikas.
348
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,960
Believe it or not,
I am actually part Lithuanian
349
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,960
on my grandmother's side.
350
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,960
I do believe it.
I can see it in your eyes... Oh.
351
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,960
..in your colouring,
352
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,960
in your hair. (LAUGHS)
That's not strictly her hair.
353
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960
Yes, you are the image
of my grandmother.
354
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,960
Oh, babushka.
355
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,320
Babushka! Big Kate Bush fan, is he?
356
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,960
You are actually suffocating me,
I can't breathe. Can you let me go?
357
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,960
Garthie?
Haven't we got anything to eat?
358
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,960
We're all starving. Well,
we weren't exactly expecting you.
359
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,960
I could do the five-bird roast.
That will take hours.
360
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960
Not on a barbecue. Nice one, bruv.
361
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,960
You can't barbecue a whole turkey.
362
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,800
Mum, Garth did it last Christmas
on Bondi Beach.
363
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,960
It's on YouTube. 3,000 likes.
364
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
It is a piece of cake.
365
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,960
You fill the barbecue with oil,
get it to boiling point,
366
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,960
slide in the turkey, ten minutes,
job done.
367
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,960
Are you sure?
Trace, Garth's a trained chef.
368
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,480
What could go wrong?
369
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960
(WHISTLING NOISE)
370
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,960
SHARON: Anyone fancy a pizza?
371
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,960
subtitles by Deluxe
372
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,960
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