Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS)

Sorry, love. You okay?

- What do you think you're doing? - What's it look like I'm doing?

Do you not read your text messages?

- I'm on me holidays. - Yes.

Well, if we don't get to the airport,

you'll be on your holidays for the foreseeable future.

There's a baggage handlers' strike at Alicante.

Yeah, but our flight's not till 5 o'clock.

What did I just say?

I've got at least three hours of me holiday left, so piss off.

Fine. I'll see you back at home. At some point.

Oh, brilliant.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Last day of me chuffing holiday, ruined.

I'm sorry.

You know there's a baggage handlers' strike?

We don't go home today.

I don't think any of us will.

- What's going on? - Baggage handlers' strike.

- At the airport? - No, in reception.

Phew! Close shave.

You know there's a baggage handlers' strike on, don't you?

Yeah, but it's only in the reception.

- What's he been drinking? - He doesn't drink.

He doesn't bloody need to. (CHUCKLES)

Maybe the baggage strike is at the airport.

You know what, Joey? You might have a point.

We should go and check with Sam.

No, no. She, um... It's her day off.

Oh, that's right. She's on a date with Angelo the D.J.

It's not a date. It's just her ex.

Mate, you're gonna have to decide what you wanna do about that.

You said to play it cool.

You have done that and where is she now?

In her room bouncing off the walls with Angelo.

(SIGHS)

Joey, it was a joke!

SHERON: Who can tell us what's going on?

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Please speak to your rep. There she is. Look.

Hey, hey! You're the rep.

What's going on with this baggage handler's strike?

I'm sorry, I can't help you. It's my day off today.

Bugger that. We've been here ages!

That's not my fault. I'm not working today.

- Well who is working? - What's happening with me bloody flight?

Look, can everyone just calm down?

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Shut up!

Right.

If you want some help in getting home,

get yourselves over to the Benigo travel desk

and someone will be with you as soon as possible.

Here we go. Bloody mañana.

And obviously, the people at the front of the queue will be dealt with first.

LORETTA: Hey, we were here first.

Oh, Mateo, I'm supposed to meet a mate but I can't stay here with idiots

who don't understand the concept of a day off.

Maybe because only an idiot would come to work on their day off.

Oh, for God's sake, I just need you to tell him where I am.

-€5. - Why are you being such a dick?

Right, I'll leave him a note. Pass me a pen and some paper.

Pen and paper? €1.

Mateo, you're really starting to get on my nerves!

Gotta say, living in Spain's really chilled you out, babe.

Why didn't you reply to my messages?

You've lost your phone, haven't you?

You know me better than anyone else, Sam.

(SAM CHUCKLES)

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, Sam, you're going so soon?

After you are telling all these people to wait for you.

WOMAN: Hey! MAN: Hey, what's going on?

- (ALL CLAMOURING) - Come on, you've got to help us now.

Okay, okay, calm down.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

Okay, mañana la puerta. Tomorrow the door.

No, no. Not mañana.

- Where are you going? - Leave it Jacqueline, leave it.

- I'll have a quiet word with Jesus. - Jesus?

-(SPANISH PRONUNCIATION) Jesus. - Bless you.

I thought about going to see Kenneth about midday.

Oh, do you think he'll be up by then?

Oh, he went through such a traumatic event last night.

Fancy being buried alive.

Well, he weren't exactly buried alive. He just couldn't get out.

He did, though. He tunnelled out like, uh...

Oh, what were it called?

Oh, you know.

(UPBEAT)

(BOTH HUMMXNG THE GREAT ESCAPE THEME)

Oh, Kenneth!

Oh, we were just talking about you.

- We were worried. - Yeah. looks like it.

We were just doing the theme from...

Oh, I know what you were doing. Having a laugh at my expense.

LIAM: No, Kenneth. We would never do that.

-(JACQUELINE GASPS) -(LAUGHS)

Well, what was I supposed to do with it?

I shaved all me hair, off me tits on cheap vodka and permanent solution.

I had to do something with it.

I'll put the kettle on.

Not for me, thank you, Jacqueline. I'm having hair of the dog.

Kenneth, is that advisable after what you've been though?

Oh, don't you worry, Liam.

Having to tunnel my way out of Blow 'n' Go after being left to die,

entombed in me own place of work, will be nothing

compared to what's going to happen to that Joyce Temple-Savage.

I'm sorry we haven't got any vacancies for you at the moment, Elvis,

but if you'll give me your full name, then I'll put you in our system.

(AS ELVIS PRESLEY) The thing is, Miss Temple-Savage,

I-I just generally go by the name of Elvis.

I didn't understand a word of that.

(CHUCKLES) The thing is, Miss Temple-Savage,

I-I just generally go by the name of Elvis.

Doesn't matter. Date of birth?

Uh, that would be, uh, 8th of January, ma'am.

It's more the year we want. We're not sending out birthday cards.

(CHUCKLES) Uh-huh.

Uh, uh, 1977, ma'am.

- And place of birth? - Skegness, ma'am.

- Skegness? - Yes ma'am.

- You were born in Skegness? - That is correct, ma'am.

But you obviously didn't stay there.

(LAUGHING)

No, no, no, no. No, siree, Bob. No way, no how. No, no.

My folks and I moved many, many miles away

when I was a little, itty-bitty baby.

And where did you move to?

Leeds.

Sorry?

(BRITISH ACCENT) It's in West Yorkshire...

(AMERICAN ACCENT) West Yorkshire, ma'am.

Well, look, we have your details on file.

I'm sorry Crystal let you go, but she clearly doesn't need a chauffeur

when she spends half her life on round-the-world cruises.

Well sure, ma'am, I do believe that is a stone-cold fact.

And in addition to that, of course, there is the, um, the takeover bid.

- Takeover? - Yes, ma'am.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Miss Hennessy-Vass is in the, uh, process of...

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Process of, uh, selling the Solana Group

to, uh, Belroy Hotels.

But being the, uh, manager of the Solana Benidorm,

I-I guess you knew that.

- Yes, of course I did. - Yep.

Miss Hennessy-Vass sure is trimming the fat.

Right. Uh,well.

As I say, uh, we have your details on our file.

Um, in the meantime, best of luck.

I understand. (SIGHS)

- Miss Temple-Savage? - Yes Elvis?

Thank-ya-very-much.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - (DOOR OPENS)

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING) Joyce, can I have a word?

What is that noise out there?

Oh, I've no idea. They're all screaming for the rep.

Can we nip out the back and get a coffee somewhere?

I've got something to tell you.

Oh, so do I.

Luton?

Well, you said I needed to get a job, and you're right.

But in Luton?

In your own words, nobody likes a freeloader,

so I'm paying my way.

Monty, don't drive a wedge between us to try and win an argument.

I'm not trying to drive a wedge between us.

A lot of people work away during the week.

I'd be back at weekends.

What job have you been offered in Luton?

British Consulate Airport Liaison Officer. (CHUCKLES)

It's mainly form-filling, but working with the public as well,

which is always interesting.

You hate the public, plus form-filling and...

British Consulate?

So this job has come from Sir Henry. You hate Sir Henry.

It's come via Sir Henry. I won't be working with him.

I know. You'll be working in bloody Luton.

Look, Joyce, I've made my decision.

If it doesn't work out, all I have to do is leave.

I need to feel I'm contributing in some way

to our relationship, to our marriage.

Afford me this one shred of dignity.

Says a man going to work in Luton.

So how long are you here for?

I'll be heading back on the 5 o'clock ferry.

What, tonight?

You've come all the way to Benidorm and you're only staying for five hours?

I live in Ibiza, Sam.

Egg and chips and Sweet Caroline aren't exactly my comfort zone.

- (SIGHS) So why are you here, then? - To see you.

I've needed to see you for a long time.

Should we get a coffee?

As long as nobody's eating egg and chips.

I wouldn't want you to be out of your comfort zone.

Did you ring Derek Dingle or whatever his name was?

- Who? - The fellow at the rugby club.

SHERON: Get them out here now.

I don't know any Derek Dingle at rugby club.

I can't remember his name. You made the booking with him.

What booking?

Billy and Sheron's 25th wedding anniversary.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, for God's sake, Eddie!

(CHUCKLES)

- I had you going there, didn't I? - You what?

Billy asked me what I were doing tonight.

I said, "Oh, I'm probably staying in with a good book" and

“This holiday's knackered me out".

He's got absolutely no idea that we're planning a surprise party for them.

And the Oscar for lying through his teeth goes to Eddie Dawson.

It were only a white lie.

And yes, everything's sorted.

- How many people did you invite? - Didn't invite anybody.

- Thought you were doing that. - Oh, for crying out loud!

MATEO: She is not here. She is not here.

I am not like the magician with a bif-baf-boof.

Well, get her on the phone.

We need to know what's happening with this baggage strike.

We give you the sun, we give you the hotel,

we give you the swimming pool, we give you the all-inclusive piggy food

and the alcohol we use to the clean the furniture when you are not looking.

Everything else, you need to see the rep.

- It's the rep's day off! - Is not my fault!

Mateo, where's Temple-Savage?

How many times do I have to say this? I do not know.

All right, keep your knickers on. What time will she be back?

Are you taking the Mickey Mouse?

If I say I do not know something, I do not know.

I do not get paid enough to listen to this drizzle.

And I am sick to the front of my teeth

about always being the ciggy in the middle.

"Ciggy in the middle"? What the frig does that mean?

Ugh! No idea.

Oh, and if you're going home today get to the airport as quick as you can

'cause it's first come, first served when these strikes are on.

Hasta lumbago love.

Thank you very much.

I've just been told we need to get to the airport ASAP.

Yeah the travel company said the same thing. Right, come on.

- Dad, where are your cases? - Where do you think they are?

- This isn't the time for "I bloody Spy". - They're up in me room.

Right. Come on, let's go.

(SIGHS) Come on, Mam!

(LOST QUEEN PLAYING ON EARBUDS)

- Thought you went back inside. - I did. I saw Sam with Angelo.

So I found a quiet corner to think about my life.

A quiet corner with an exclusive view of the bins?

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

- You're sorry? For what? - For being moody on this holiday.

- Your first-ever holiday. - I've had a fantastic time.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's the best holiday I've ever had.

(BOTH LAUGH)

So, what are you gonna do about Sam?

Gonna go up to her room, pull Angelo off her,

punch him in the face and then carry her off into the sunset?

I can give you a hand with that as well, you know, the carrying part.

Joke. It's a joke.

It just doesn't make sense why you'd be so obsessed

with how much Sam does or doesn't weigh.

- I'm sorry. - Whatever.

You know why I keep making those fat jokes?

No, I don't, actually.

- And she's not even fat. - No.

- But I was. - Eh?

Massive. Up until I was about 16.

In fact, I was 16 years old and 18 stone.

- What, are you serious? - Yeah.

At school, everybody called me "Pig-Pen".

Because I was the size of a pig and I couldn't hold a pen properly.

So if you were bullied for being big when you were a kid,

why would you say mean things to someone else about their weight?

I don't know.

Payback, I suppose.

What goes around comes around.

- Payback for people you don't know? - I didn't say it made sense.

I'm sorry.

So, what are you gonna do about Sam?

I've thought about it a lot.

And I do have feelings for her, obviously.

But it would never work.

There's 20 years and 2,000 miles between us.

Plus, her ex is back on the scene.

So I'm ready to draw a line under it all.

Fair enough.

So, tonight is the last night of your first-ever holiday.

What do you fancy doing?

Shots and girls.

You can have the shots, I'll look after the girls.

Mmm, he's back in the game.

Boom.

Hold on, I'm gonna start to pack.

- Already? - Yes, mate.

Tonight is gonna be one very long night.

Bring it on!

Gracias.

You must have had a rough night if you're still on the black coffees.

I don't drink any more.

- Are you serious? - Alcohol, drugs, meat.

I've poisoned my body for too long, Sam.

Bloody hell. Well, I suppose the party's gotta end at some point.

No, but that's just it, babe.

- I feel like my life's just beginning. - Well, good for you.

I'll drink to that.

You're probably wondering why I came all the way out here to tell you that?

Midlife crisis, isn't it?

It was either this or you rocking up in a red sports car with a ponytail.

No, but I mean, specifically to talk to you.

Go on, then.

Sam, I'm, um...

I'm gonna become a monk.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Okay, I believe the no drinking, the no more drugs,

even the no more meat,

but you a monk?

By this time next week, I'll be in Thailand in a Buddhist monastery.

Where the monks live with tigers roaming round the grounds.

Have you dropped an E?

And before I give my life over to a higher power,

I'm visiting all the people that, you know, I've got issues with

and putting them to rest before I go.

What issues?

I know how in love with me you were, Sam.

Well, we had a laugh.

And I know how you've never got over it.

Excuse me?

Oh, I can't imagine what it's been like for you.

Suffering a superficial, loveless existence in Benidorm,

the only glimmer of hope thinking we might get back together again.

I'm sorry, Sam, but you and me, it's never gonna happen again.

Right.

First of all, who are you to come here uninvited,

the biggest caner and pill-head in Ibiza,

and talk to me about a superficial, loveless existence?

Sam, you're a single 40-year-old holiday rep in Benidorm.

It don't get much worse than that.

Okay, first, I'm 41 and very proud of it.

Second, I love Benidorm.

And I love my job of helping people have an amazing holiday.

And third, who said I'm single?

- You're not? - No, I'm very much not single.

In fact, I'm seeing a beautiful chilled guy who's 20 years younger,

who I'm having the best sex I've ever had in my life with.

Well, sex isn't something to base a relationship on, Sam.

Oh, yeah. Giving up that as well, aren't you?

Well, don't worry. It's no loss, pencil dick.

You were crap at it.

Sam, I'm picking up a lot of negativity.

Bloody hell, giving up meat has really

heightened your sense of awareness, hasn't it?

Well, while I've got your attention,

my relationship with Joey goes a lot deeper than sex.

In fact, seeing you here today has made me realise what an amazing guy he is.

And I'm going to go and tell him

I want to take our relationship to the next level.

Well, I hope he agrees.

Bless you, my child.

And I hope you get to Thailand,

shave your hair, get into your lovely orange robes

and a great big tiger bites your fucking head off!

Now, there's no need for that.

(CHANTING)

(INAUDIBLE)

If the flight's not cancelled and we've got seats on it,

then what's the problem?

Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is? That one's shut.

Your flight is indeed scheduled, madam.

But the flight after it and the flight before it has been cancelled.

- But where's the nearest toilet? - It's there.

But that's what I'm saying. It's not our flight that's been cancelled.

So why are we being told we might not get on it?

Told you already, that one's shut.

Just 'cause you're booked onto a flight, madam,

it doesn't mean you're guaranteed a place on it.

- Please, I need the toilet. - What? What did you just say?

- I said I need the toilet. - Not you!

If that sentence is too difficult for you to understand,

I'm very happy to write it down for you.

I beg your pardon?

Will somebody tell me where the other toilet is, please?

We're trying to contain a massive backlog.

Oh, not as much as I am. Where's the bog?

Are you raising your voice to me, sir?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Hello, sweetheart.

My disabled wife and I are on the same flight as this lady here.

Oh, Maxine. (CHUCKLES)

It's my granddaughter's name.

- Oh, really? - EDDIE: Mmm.

Bless her. It's her 25th wedding anniver...

I mean, it's her birthday. It's her 25th birthday party tonight.

And we're going to miss it if we don't get that... This flight.

Oh, she's got your pretty... green eyes as well.

Really?

Well, we have to verify stories such as yours.

How do you do that when she's not here?

Very simple.

Is Maxine, your granddaughter, on Facebook?

Yeah, but, he real name's Jodie.

- I just call her Maxine. - I see.

- Surname? - Dawson.

- Jodie Dawson. - Oh.

Same surname as this lady here.

What a coincidence!

Aye, she looks very young for 25. In fact, she looks about 10.

Oh, what a shame.

Computer's gone down.

Well, good luck getting onto the flight, Mr and Mrs Dawson.

I think you'll need it.

You can shove your flight up your big flabby arse,

you old menopausal sour-faced bitch!

SHERON: Brilliant.

Well done, both of you. Now we'll never get home.

Oh. Now, that is better.

I feel a stone lighter. Are we all checked in?

LIAM: I don't care what you say, Kenneth.

After what you've been through, you need to be home with your feet up.

Oh, no. I'm having it out with that woman today

if it's the last thing I do.

Oh, what have I done now?

Nothing. I'm talking about Temple-Savage.

Oh, I'm going to sue that old witch from arsehole to breakfast time.

Don't know a good solicitor, do ya?

BOTH: No.

Here you are, Kenneth.

Oh, no thanks, Jacqueline.

My body needs cauterising with alcohol.

I ate that much strawberry hair wax last night.

Every time I burp me gob smells like a gay soap dispenser.

You better make use of some time off.

'Cause next week I've got to go back to the UK.

Oh, sorry, Jacqueline, I meant to ask. Can I take some holidays?

No, it's Benidorm Gay Pride next week.

I'm going to be in the back room up to me eyeballs in pubic hair.

Make sure you pop in to work from time to time.

What are you going back to the UK for anyway? You've only just come back.

Me dad's gone home to sort out his tax stuff. I'm giving him a hand.

(SCOFFS) You're helping him with his tax?

You have to take your mittens off to count up to 10.

It's something called moral support!

Eh?

Moody get, come back here!

Liam.

Liam!

Oh, for God's sake.

Do you know when you want to pull someone's trousers down

- and give their legs a good slap? - No.

- What have you done to your hair? - Eh?

Oh. Something you wouldn't understand, Mateo.

It's called fashion.

Your head. It look's like a gay potato.

Well, I say just your head...

MONTY: Oh, he's there. just keep walking.

Oh, here she is, the "Costa Blanca Killer".

(SIGHS) Kenneth, I've been meaning to call you.

Call me? Call my solicitor, love.

There's no need to be like that, Kenneth.

The builders got the plans the wrong way round.

- (SCOFFS) - And as you can see,

it's this archway that's supposed to...

What are you doing?

You're not supposed to leave the fish in there.

They'll starve to death.

First, she tries to kill Benidorm's premier hair stylist,

now she's got it in for a tank full of tropical fish.

Dear God, woman, you're like Benidorm's answer to Pol Pot.

Did you hear me? Stop this at once.

We have stopped now. Siesta.

No, no, no, no siesta.

Where are you going? (SIGHS)

What on Earth have you done to your hair?

You look ridiculous.

Oh, never you mind about all that 'cause I'm going to take you to the...

Ridiculous? How dare you!

This is Jose Luis's finest work.

He came into the indoor market at 9 o'clock this morning to do this.

- What did he do at five past nine? - (GASPS)

Right, that is it.

Attempted murder and slander.

You're going away for a long time.

Now, get in that office, Savage.

You'll be hearing from my solicitor within the hour.

And get a door up on that salon!

Diego? Diego?

Diego!

What is wrong with that boy?

- Is he deaf? - No, he is not a deaf.

Well, why does he never answer me?

Probably because his name is Ricky.

Ricky? What a ridiculous name for a member of staff.

Ricky!

(SIGHS) Ricky?

You are behind reception.

- Mateo, pool bar. - Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Just waiting for me dad to come out of the toilet.

Why?

It's more productive than just sitting there in a heap

waiting for our flight to be cancelled.

Is it?

Excuse me, madam.

Sorry, but I just have to shake you by the hand.

Really? Most people want to shake her by the neck.

- Why? - In five years

I've never seen anyone leave Maxine speechless.

Oh, she was only just warming up.

I swear to God, anyone who throws enough shade

to crack Maxine's resting bitch face,

is a legend in my eyes.

Well, if she's a legend, can't you get her on that plane? And us, of course.

That's why I came over.

So these are the last four guaranteed places on the flight.

Unless they cancel that one as well. But fingers crossed.

And here's four passes for the airport lounge.

Seriously, I think I'm in love with you.

Well, maybe we can meet up sometime.

Do you ever get to Leeds?

Mother, he doesn't mean it like that.

Believe me, if I wasn't happily married, I'd consider it.

Well, tell your missus she's a very lucky lady.

Don't you worry. He knows he is. (CHUCKLES)

How can one man stay in a toilet for so long? What's he doing in there?

Right, come on.

- Where are you going? - VIP lounge.

- What about me dad? - Well, go and get him.

- We'll see you there. - I can't just go in there

and drag him off the... Oh, for crying out loud!

(COUPLE ARGUING)

BILLY: Whoa, whoa, Love. Coming through.

MAN: Why don't you piss off...

Ah, this is the life, isn't it?

Oh, yes. I think I could get used to this.

And if they cancel flights, we'll just sit supping in here

and rugby club can whistle for their deposit. (CHUCKLES)

- What deposit? - For tonight.

Oh, bollocks.

You useless lump of lard.

What's going on?

Dad, what are you talking about?

You know when you asked if we were organising

a 25th wedding anniversary party for you

- and we said no? - Yeah?

Well, we lied.

We've organised one at rugby club.

Except Eddie forgot to invite anyone,

so I've spent all morning texting people to come.

Oh, my God.

Im sorry Sheron love. We should have told you.

It's not that. We've organised one as well.

And when were you going to tell us that?

On the plane, as a surprise.

-(SIGHS) - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. look who it is!

Who is it?

I don't believe it.

- I don't believe it. - Sheron, look.

- Is that who I think it is? - BILLY: It is.

What's he doing in Alicante?

What's he doing anywhere?

Will somebody tell me who the frig it is?

It's Holly Johnson from Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

EDDIE: Is it bollocks.

It's Ron Pickford from top of my street.

What do you mean the flight is cancelled?

It's the word we give to a flight that's been withdrawn from service.

I know what "cancelled" means.

Then it would appear any further explanation is somewhat redundant.

Yeah. Which is what I'm going to be before I've even started me job.

God's sake...

I can't believe it's Holly Johnson.

I can't believe it's Ron Pickford.

I thought Ron Pickford was dead.

He died last year and they sold his house

and all of Eddie's stuff that he had in his garage.

Well, for someone who died last year, he's looking surprisingly well.

What do you think he's doing here?

Maybe he's haunting Eddie to make the rest of his life a misery.

I know I would if I was dead.

Not him. I'm talking about Holly Johnson.

That can't be Ron Pickford. He definitely died.

It must be another Ron Pickford.

This is me son, Billy. His wife, Sheron.

And her mother, Loretta.

Hello. How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

You don't mind if Ron sits with us, do you?

- No. - No, love.

Well if you paid to get in, you can sit where you like.

Well, that's just it. I haven't paid.

I followed Holly Johnson in to get a selfie...

You remember that "Relax"?

Remember it? Best song in the world ever.

Uh, we're a bit confused.

We thought Ron Pickford was the name of your friend who passed away last year.

Well, that's open to interpretation.

What? Whether he's your friend?

No. Whether Ron Pickford died last year.

You told us they buried him.

Well, they certainly buried summat.

It was actually a load of shite out of my garage that was in that coffin.

- Stuff I don't even remember buying. - What sort of shite?

You know, rubbish that we collect over the years.

Heavy books, radios, an old guitar.

- You buried my Strat? - What are you talking about?

EDDIE: You buried my £800 Stratocaster?

And me collection of radios?

Hey, look, summat's going on here.

Bugger that. What about my stuff in his garage?

Excuse me. There appears to have been a mistake.

My colleague's just told me that he gave you the last boarding cards

for the 1700 Leeds-Bradford flight.

No, he didn't give them to her, he gave them to me.

And if you're thinking of taking them back,

I'd like to see you try.

Look, I can just issue new boarding cards to our VIPs

and have you refused onto the flight.

Actually, I'm doing you a favour by telling you.

Tell Holly he can have my ticket if he likes.

Absolute legend.

If you're going to start giving our tickets away to people

just because they're famous,

I'll have you know that I am

very well-known in the Leeds-Bradford area.

Used to do a bit of singing in the clubs, you know.

He'd give you a song, but they buried his guitar.

He didn't even go to the funeral.

It's her 25th wedding anniversary today.

- They've got a party booked. - Two parties.

Well, maybe you should have thought about that

before you started gobbing off.

I swear to God, I'm going to punch you so hard,

you're going to have to shove a toothbrush up your arse

to clean your teeth.

- Have you got travel insurance? - You what?

When you booked the holiday, did you get travel insurance?

- Course we did. Why? - RON: Then you're sorted.

Time to make friends with a legend.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

If your airline cancels your ticket,

your insurance will give you a free flight,

your extra accommodation here tonight and your parties at home.

And we get another night in Spain.

Everyone's a winner.

BILLY: So you see, it's not putting us out at all.

In fact, we get another day's holiday...

Well, night, really, but you know what I mean.

Sorry. Sorry, but I've just got to say,

"Relax", what a song!

I know you've heard that a million times,

but shitting hell, what a song!

Sorry. I didn't mean to swear.

I wanted it as the first dance at our wedding, "Relax",

but the wife said no.

Idiot. Total idiot. No idea why I married her.

Mind you, 25 years today, so can't say it's not lasted.

I've talked too much, haven't I? Don't even answer that.

I've taken too much of your time already.

Anyway, thanks for the chat.

Well, for...for listening. Uh...

Better get the wife back to the Solana.

A bit shabby and outdated. But, uh, she's good to the kids.

Oh, bless you, Billy. And thanks very much for the tickets.

And happy anniversary.

Shall we have a hug?

Holly Johnson.

Holly Johnson!

(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH PLAYING)

# I've got something to tell you

# I've got something to say...

I don't understand why Monty has gone to the UK so soon.

It's very difficult to explain, Mateo.

- Okay, forget it. - No, no. Come back.

Monty and I both feel that our relationship would work better

if he was in full-time employment.

So why were you giving him the sack?

The way things are at the moment,

he might be the only one around here with a job.

- What do you mean? - (SIGHS)

Nothing. Serve our customers.

While they're still ours to serve.

There are three people in reception asking for the manager.

Oh, God, I can't take any more today. I'm going to bed.

Whatever it is, it can wait till tomorrow.

I don't think it will. They look quite official.

And if that's their car out front of hotel, they're pretty important, too.

Oh God, it's started.

- What's started? - Oh, never mind.

# When the going gets tough #The tough get going

# When the going get rough # The tough gets rough

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

There you go, sir. The last seat on the last flight to Luton.

(SIGHS) And that's me done.

You, uh, clocking off for the night?

Not for the night, forever.

- Oh, bad day? - Yeah. Another one.

Well, a job's a job, isn't it? We all need one.

Yeah. But at what price?

I work days, my other half works nights.

What's the point in doing a crappy job I don't want to do

that keeps me apart from the person I love most?

Something else will turn up.

- But will it? - Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

But I'll tell you something.

Life's too short to not see the face of the person you love every day.

Have a safe flight.

# Darlin' # I'll climb any mountain

# Darlin' # I'll do anything

# Ooh # Ooh

# Can I touch you? # Can I touch you?

# And do the things that lovers do?

# Can I touch you? Ooh...

Well, you've missed your chance

if you still want to have it out with her.

She's just left.

I wouldn't lower meself, Jacqueline. She can speak to my legal team.

- Oh, so you saw a solicitor, then? - Well, I didn't actually see one,

but I got his number from of them free papers

so I spoke to him on the phone.

Hey, funny name, though. Winter Smallcock.

But he speaks English and he's "no win, no fee",

so I've got nothing to lose.

Yeah.

All: Cheers.

Sure you don't mind me joining you tonight?

It might be a night out for you,

but for us it's harbouring a known fugitive.

Eddie, will you frigging well chill out?

- I'll buy you another guitar. - I don't want another guitar.

I want my guitar.

So what's it like living full-time in Spain then, Ron?

It's paradise. I'm in a tiny little village in the middle of nowhere.

Nobody bothers me, hey, and I don't bother them.

How the bloody hell do you go about faking your own death?

Very straightforward when you got enough friends.

Enough friends? (LAUGHS)

I were the only friend you had.

Not strictly true. I'm a member of a... Well, a...

a kind of a social club

that's got lots of well-connected people.

Bloody Freemasons!

I knew it. I knew you weren't going up to Wetherby to play darts every Tuesday.

No, I wasn't.

So what were you doing in Alicante airport?

I booked a ticket to go and see a friend in the UK.

But now, when I think back, it was way too risky.

And when I heard they'd cancelled me flight,

I knew it was a sign.

Everything happens for a reason.

I'll, uh, I'll get them in.

- Same again? - Aye.

Uh, not for us. Uh, we're gonna have an early night.

What's the point in coming out

if you're not gonna celebrate your anniversary?

Oh, don't worry. We're gonna celebrate it, all right.

- Come on. - I'll get the same again for us.

Aye.

Look's like Ron's got his eye on Jacqueline.

Don't worry, he'll soon do a runner

when he finds out she's biggest swinger in town.

I don't know. Birds of a feather flock together.

What do you mean?

I heard a rumour

that she faked her husband's death, although they didn't get away with it.

Bloody hell.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And thank you to John-Paul and Ash.

Now, the star of the show is you.

And the first singer tonight is Holly.

Do we have a Holly in the audience? (CHUCKLES)

(INTRO TO RELAX PLAYING)

(HOLLY JOHNSON VOCALISING)

# Give it to me one time now

This one's for Billy.

# Well!

# Whoa!

# Well!

# Now

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to go to it

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to come

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to suck it, chew it

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to come...

It's our last night. What are we doing here?

I told you. Free food in here,

more money to spend on alcohol in the new town.

- You don't even drink. - I know.

I've got a feeling there might be some girls in town that do-oo!

I'll drink to that.

Here, we may not make it as far as the new town.

- Hi. - Hey, Sam.

- Can we have a chat? - CALLUM: I'll get some drinks.

Well, I'll say one thing.

The standard of karaoke is getting better in here.

I'm so glad you came. I wanted to see you before we leave.

I've got something to say to you.

- Listen, I know what it is. - Do you?

Absolutely. And Sam, it's the right thing to do.

- It is? - Totally.

I know we've been a bit heavy this week, but I get it.

What we got between us can't go any further.

No, Joey, what I was going to say was...

Sam, it's fine. I'm not as stupid as some people think.

We live in different countries

and there's 20 years' difference between us.

And, well, when your ex turned up out of the blue,

it was kind of a relief, to be honest.

Kind of draws a line under, well,

whatever we had, which was great but...

Sam, don't worry. It's all good.

I've got my whole life ahead of me.

I'm happy for you, Sam.

And I want you to be happy for me.

As I was telling Callum earlier, we're no-dramas kind of people.

That's why we got on so well.

Yeah, no dramas.

Maybe see you in the morning before we leave?

Yeah, of course.

# Whoa-ooh

What a beautiful night.

Well, it's not exactly the Red Fez, but it'll do.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Where did you hope you'd be 25 years ago?

Right here.

- What? In Benidorm? - No.

Sitting next to you.

- (RELAX PLAYING IN DISTANCE) - What's wrong?

Can you hear that?

What is it?

They're playing Relax.

What were the chances of that,

bumping into Holly Johnson at the airport

and they're playing Relax?

You see, it was all meant to be.

Do you want to go in for a dance?

I could do with another drink as well.

Another five minutes.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

HOLLY: Thank you very much.

This is for all those whose flights were cancelled out of Alicante tonight.

Including mine.

BACKING SINGERS: # Americanos

(VOCALISING)

# Ah yeah

# There's a place where a kid without a cent

# He can grow up to be president # To be president

Looks like you have been traded up for a younger model.

I don't cry because something's over, Mateo,

I smile because it happened.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and get on with my job

of making sure people have a brilliant holiday.

Something I think you could learn from.

# Blue jeans and chinos

# Coke, Pepsi and Oreos

# Americanos...

A pint of lager, please, and a...

I'll have a Harvey Slowbanger, please.

You know what? I knew it.

As soon as you mentioned Middlesbrough.

- So you're WSA? - Yeah.

Wetherby Swingers Association.

I think we might have met before.

Well, kind of.

Shrewsbury Swingers Association Christmas Finger Buffet.

You remember the pigs in blankets?

You mean the Crosby sisters?

No, the food.

The little sausage roll things.

I think so. It was a few years ago.

I made them.

I spent most of the night just offering them round.

Oh. And I'm usually so good with faces.

Oh, no. I was on all fours.

They were on a tray on me back.

Oh, now I remember you.

Are you on your holidays?

No, no. I live here. Well, in Spain.

Oh, so do I.

- Maybe we can go out sometime? - Maybe we can.

- Dogger's beach, midnight? - Oh, yeah!

See you there.

# Americanos

# Blue jeans and chinos

# Coke, Pepsi and Oreos

# Americanos

# Low-riding Chicanos

# In the land of the free you can be what you wanna be...

You know, I don't think we'll ever see a better tribute act than this in here.

I don't know, you've never seen my Lulu.

No, and I don't think I want to.

Oh, now about these holidays you're taking.

Can I get some dates, please?

I don't want it clashing with the Elvis convention.

Well, I got some news about me dad.

Oh, now, I've been thinking about that.

Exactly how much does he owe the tax man?

- 'Cause we can have a whip-round. - About £80,000.

- Right, what was your plan? - Well, me dad spoke to a solicitor

and because of the amount owed

and the fact that he concealed assets and income,

it means a custodial sentence is likely, so I'm moving back to the UK.

Hang on a minute. Slow down.

What was that bit about custard?

Me dad's going to prison so I'm moving back to the UK.

But Liam, I can't run the salon on me own!

You're not on your own, Jacqueline's here.

Jacqueline?

She's about as much use as a pair of peep-toe Wellies.

No, Liam, I need you here.

I'm sorry, Kenneth, me dad needs me more.

We're taking it one step at a time.

And all I know is I'm not getting depressed about it

and I'm only seeing the positive side.

Oh, good. I only wish I could.

# In the land of the free you can be what you wanna be... #

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

And this one is especially for Billy and Sheron.

Happy anniversary.

(THE POWER OF LOVE PLAYING)

# I'll protect you from the hooded claw

# Keep the vampires from your door...

Miss Temple-Savage, I think there's someone to see you.

Ooh.

Joyce, have I come at a bad time?

- Sir Henry. - I came over with some papers for Monty,

I thought I could leave them with you.

Let's sit down.

(CLEARS THROAT) We'll have that cava please, Mateo.

# Dreams are like angels

# They keep bad at bay, bad at bay

# Love is the light

# Scaring darkness away...

I know you've already helped us out by giving Monty a job.

But I need to ask for more.

- Go on. - Well, uh,

the Solana Group is being taken over by Belroy Hotels.

- Joyce, how do you know this? - I have my sources.

I assumed Crystal told you.

Joyce, I'm a shareholder in Belroy Hotels.

I've known for some time.

And you didn't tell me? My job could be on the line here.

All our jobs here at the Solana.

Joyce, I want you to know that I will make it my business

to ensure your position at the Solana is safe.

Sir Henry.

(SOBBING) I've been so worried.

The Solana is my life.

Thank you.

Monty, I thought you had gone to Luton?

Yeah.

Looks like someone else thought that as well.

- Oh! - (ALL GASP)

Monty, what on Earth do you think you're doing?

I could ask the same question.

Henry, are you all right? Oh!

I thought you were in Luton.

Clearly.

I was thanking him for your job, you blithering idiot.

And trying to save my own.

What... What do you mean, save your own?

- It doesn't matter. - Joyce...

- Do you love me? - What?

Please, just answer the question.

Do you love me?

I wouldn't have married you if I didn't love you but...

But what?

Love isn't going to solve all our problems.

Love might not solve all our problems

but without it, we don't stand a chance.

Joyce, I love you so much.

I know, Monty. I know.

# A sky-scraping dove

# Flame on burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul!

# Make love your goal

- Listen, is that... - What?

Nothing.

Here's to the next 25 years.

To the next 25 years.

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul!

# The power of love

# A force from above

# A sky-scraping dove

# Flame on burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul!

# Make love your goal #