All language subtitles for Benidorm.S10E04.1080p.HDTV.H264-MTB.EN

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

It just isn't good enough, Monty.
It really isn't.

How many times
do I have to say I'm sorry?

I mean, I've experienced some
bad performances in my time,

but last night really took the biscuit.

Hey now, steady on, Mrs Temple Savage.
Happens to every fella now and again.

You shouting about it in public
isn't gonna help matters.

She was talking
about the magic act I booked.

Oh!

Really, Joyce, do we have to
do this in front of the staff?

Of course not, Monty. If you'd like
to follow me through to my office,

I shall continue to harangue you
in private.

I don't think that will be necessary.

I believe you've made your feelings
on the matter quite clear.

You therefore, leave me with no choice.

For the sake of this relationship,

I hereby resign my post
as Executive Entertainments Manager.

Executive?

And where did you get executive from?

I thought that's what we'd agreed.

(BOTH MUTTERING)

Well, whatever I am,

I quit.

- You can book your own acts from now on.
- (GASPS)

Oh!

Loves young dream.

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

There you are.

I tried to wake you up
but you were dead to the world.

What time did you get in last night?

Can't remember.

Did you manage to shake off your seaman?

- What?
- She means that Russian sailor

that was chasing you all round
Neptune's last night.

Last time we saw you,
you were hiding under the table.

Next minute, you were gone.

Yeah, well.

I slipped into the lavvy
to do a bunk out the window, didn't I?

I'm not gonna lie to you, Liam.

It wasn't the most
dignified of break-ups.

Well, at least it's done.

Not good to drag these things out.

Quick and brutal, that's the way.

Like pulling off a plaster.

Oh, which reminds me,

Mrs Barker's coming back this morning

for a bit of downstairs refurbishment.

Oh, no. Not that big fat
ginger woman that was here last Tuesday?

- Mmn, that's her.
- Oh, no. I wouldn't go down there again.

Not without a compass
and some Kendal Mint Cake.

Well, you're gonna have to,
'cause she's booked in.

And I'm popping off to the old town
for that antiques fair.

I told you that yesterday.

See you later, boys.

Oh!

I told you this would happen as soon
as she took over, didn't I?

Using their seniority to make sure
we get all the crappy jobs.

To be fair, isn't that what
you do to me all the time?

- Morning.
- Just nipping out for a fag break.

What? Wait, Kenneth!

(WHIMPERS)

Okay, they're coming.
just, nobody say anything.

The silent treatment, good idea.

What? No, no, no,
not the silent treatment.

Make your mind up, son.

Do you want us to say owt or not?

Yes, I mean no, I mean...

Look, shut up, they're here.

Morning, love. Did you sleep well?

I don't think we're
supposed to talk to 'em.

- What?
- No, no, no, no.

That's not what I said.
I never said that.

Oh, forget it. Come on.

Rob!

- Nice going, Dad.
- How is that my fault?

I don't understand rules.

There aren't any rules, Eddie.
It's not a game.

Oh, yes it is.

And by my reckoning,
she's 4-nil up already.

(SIGHS)

Sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I do for you, pal?

I'm looking for a Les Conroy.

Eh, never heard of him.

Think you got the wrong place.
Nobody here by that name.

Hola. What are you wanting with Les?

Nothing. I have a package
he needs to sign for.

Oh, that'd be me new heels.

(LAUGHS) I am Les.

No, really, oh, see.

Les.

You cannot keep doing this.

Jumping outside of your skin
every time someone is asking for you.

Hey, I'm a fugitive
from the law, you know.

You did not pay your taxes.
You are not Carlos the jackass.

I am sure the British policia are having
better things to worry about than you.

(SIGHS)

No, of course I didn't plan it this way.

I didn't even know the grandkids
were coming this week.

You think I wanna miss that?

Well, that is very cynical of you.

No, I don't know how long we'll be.

This is a very big investigation.

Not only that, it's probably
my last real chance of promotion.

Yes, I know I'm retiring next year,
light of my life,

hence my use of the phrase
"last chance".

I keep on telling you,

this is an investigation,
it is not a holiday.

They didn't have any mint choc-chip.

So I got you lemon sherbet.

Is that Marnie?

Hello! Marnie!

Hello, Marnie... (MAKES STATIC NOISE)

I think I'm...osing...ignal.

Hello?

Right.

Let's have one last look
at this file before we head down there.

This is not lemon sherbet.

This is coconut.

Sorry.

Oh, for... Get a room, would you?

I've already got a room!
It's 217, right next to yours.

Trust me, I am well aware of that.

I thought your headboard was gonna come
through the wall last night.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm getting back in the water.

Oh, this is stupid.
One of us should go and talk to them.

- I'll go.
- I'll go.

Sit down.

On second thoughts, maybe it's better
to let them come to us.

And when they do, we are
going to be nice, okay?

If we keep on like this, we're going to
drive them closer together.

It's always the same.

Remember when
I first started seeing Billy?

Ah! Dad didn't approve
of you dating a bad boy, eh?

Yeah, right. That was it.

Hiya...

Oh, what's happened?

What do you think's happened?
Mrs Barkley.

The horror. .

Oh, well, I've got something
that'll cheer him up.

I bought you both a present.

What sort of present?

What's she talking about?

- I dread to think.
- Here we go.

Now, where should I stick it?

I got it at the antiques fair.

And that's not all I got.

Aren't they great?

People are gonna be queueing up
round the block.

- For what? Tetanus shots?
- No!

For a classic 1940's shave and haircut.

Oh, and I'm gonna make a sign

to put in the window.

(SIGHS)

- Kenneth?
- What?

Is that blood?

No, of course it's not.
It's probably just...

That's probably just some...

Actually, I'm pretty sure that's blood.

Excuse me, are they serving yet,
or am I too...

Oh, my... (LAUGHS)

Get off my grass!

Sorry?

It's you, isn't it? From that game show?

"Get off my grass!" (LAUGHS)

Sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, apologies.
I thought you're someone else.

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

Who loves you? Of course it's me.
Who else would have this ugly mug, eh?

(LAUGHS) I'd offer you a selfie
but it'd probably crack the lens.

- Well I,...
- Well, seeing as you insist...

- Come on, where's your phone then big boy?
- What are you doing?

Oh, look what I found here.
Oh, what's this?

There was me thinking
you were pleased to see me.

Right, hold up.
Oh, it's a nice big one, isn't it?

Right. Okay, here we go.
"Get off my grass." Ready?

After three. One, two, three.

(BOTH) Get off my grass!

There you go! Something to tell
your friends at home.

That's all for you, lovely.
And that's ten euros, please.

- Sorry?
- Well, listen, I've got to charge,

otherwise I'd be here all day
doing pictures with,

selfies with Sammy, so it's ten euros.

- You know what it's like...
- So, okay.

I was a big fan of yours
back in the day.

What brings you all this way
to Benidorm?

Me? Oh, it's... Well, it's...

I've got a little villa out here,
haven't I?

In Benidorm, and I like to get out
every couple of months of the year.

Get out of the UK,
get away from the "papariazzi".

So you're still in the business, then?

Yes, well,
of course I'm still in the business.

You think cause I'm not
on television I'm dried up?

- Sorry, I wasn't suggesting...
- Bup-bup-bup!

Let me tell you something.

I, Sammy Valentino,
choose not to do television, all right?

I get offers all the time. They say,

"Sammy, you'd be great for this,
you'd be perfect in that."

And I say, "Is it in front of
a live audience?

"Is it alive TV show? No?
Then forget about it."

- Mmm.
- Because I am an all-round entertainer.

I'm a gag merchant, a singer, a dancer.

I'm a storyteller. I'm a people person.

I need crowd interaction.

I don't do scripted
and I don't do reality.

Those are my rules.

No, I wasn't implying...

As a matter of fact,

I happen to be in the business myself.

Oh, well... (STAMMERING)
If you're a producer,

what I said about those rules,
they're not set in stone.

No, no. I'm more on the talent-spotting
side of things.

I am an Executive
Entertainments Manager.

- You're a manager?
- Yes.

Yes, I am a manager.

I don't suppose you're currently
looking for representation, are you?

(BLOWS)

I do not believe it.

- He's kept the same bloody job.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What you doing?
- Nige, it's him.

He's just in disguise.

- Can't you tell?
- Of course I can tell.

I've seen photos of Bigfoot
more convincing than that.

Now, let's just think about this
for a minute, all right?

The department
aren't expecting us to find him

on the first day, are they?

I know. They're gonna be made up.

No! You're missing the point.

He obviously thinks his Mrs Doubtfire
routine is working,

which means he's not going anywhere.

Which means we can arrest him
any time we like.

You follow?

- No.
- Dennis,

they've paid for a week's stay
in an all-inclusive hotel.

Which means free beer, free food,
even entertainment, a swimming pool.

Are you really in that much
of a hurry to get back home?

Mmm...

- Ah-ah-ah.
- Oh, yes.

»Nom nom nom nom.
- Yes, yes.

Excuse me, fellas.

You want to check in or what?

Oh, uh, yes, thank you,

madam.

Clapton and Page, seven nights.

Seven nights?

Robbie?

I feel terrible.

Your family are right over there.

I know.

Think we should move further?

That's not what I meant.

Robbie...

We haven't talked about
what happened when...

When I proposed? When you didn't answer.

Cyd, it's fine. I get it.
It was too soon.

I was rushing you.
We've only been together a short while.

It's not that. It's my father.

Where I come from, family is important.

It is to be respected.

Robbie, I love you.

But if I said yes
to a man my father had not even met...

The last thing I want to do is drive
a wedge between you and your family.

Nor I yours.

(THE BARBER OF SEVILLE PLAYING)

(HUMMING ALONG)

We're not really gonna
let her do this, are we?

It's precisely what we're gonna do.

This is her first big move
since taking over the salon.

So we're just gonna sit back
and let her watch it fail.

That way she might think twice before
coming up with any other stupid ideas.

But she might kill someone.

I know we want things
to stay the way they are

but we're not gonna let somebody
die over it, are we?

- Kenneth!
- What?

No, of course we're not.
It won't come to that.

At worst they might just lose an ear.

What?

(SINGING)

Jacqueline.

Me and Liam are thinking about
popping out for an early lunch.

- Will you be all right on your own?
- Oh, yes.

Right.

First aid kit under counter.
It's just FYI.

Oh, for fuck's sake, come on.

(SINGING)

I wonder what they're talking about?

Probably asking how big your house is.

Wondering how many of
her two dozen cousins

- she can squeeze in there.
- Mam!

All right everyone.
Now remember what I said.

Be nice!

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

We're being nice.

That is what we're doing, isn't it, son?

Shut up, Dad.

Oh, I can't keep up.

Well, Cyd and I were talking
and we thought it might be...

nice if we all had a trip out for lunch.

Maybe into the old town,
all of us, together?

Out? Erm.
We booked all-inclusive, son.

Your mam and I haven't really
brought any money with us.

That's right, they've. . .got...

no...money...

That's okay. It's my treat.

Well, I think that's
very sweet of you, Cyd.

Isn't it sweet?

- Aye.
- Yes. lovely.

Well, come on. let's go and get changed.

(MONTY TALKING TO HIMSELF INDISTINCTLY)

Right, and just there.

Yeah, yeah.

(MUMBLING) There you go.

Yeah. You won't regret this.

(LAUGHS) I've just got to
head out and talk to my wife...

my business partner...

uh, and then I'll give you a call.

I must say, Monty, you're very fortunate
to catch me between managers.

Poor Frankie didn't see
the train coming.

I thought you said he drowned.

Yeah, well, he did.

Just a bad day all round, really.

Yeah, well..

his loss is our gain. If you thought
you were big in England,

wait till you see what
I can do for you out here.

The Spanish skies are the limit, Sammy.

Spanish skies, the limit.

(EXCLAIMS) Yes.

Get off my grass!

Don't wake the rhino!

It's... it's the bonus round.

Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah, right.

Bye!

Hey! Coffee break ended ten minutes ago.

Those plates aren't going to
wash themselves!

Well, they're just gonna have to,
sugar tits. Because I quit!

Sammy Valentino.

He's back baby!
Wow!

This is your waistcoat.

Knobhead!

Sammy is back!

(LAUGHING)

Who loves you? Sammy loves you.

Oh, hello, ladies! Are you sisters?

Looking for Cinderella?
(EXCLAIMS) Only a joke.

Come on, get over it. (LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Yes?

Hello!

- Do you want a beer?
- What?

Oh, no thanks.
Just an orange juice, please.

Sorry, my mind is elsewhere.

That's what happens
when you're in a relationship

with the most beautiful woman on Earth.

You're not the one dating Sam?

Does she know about
this beautiful woman?

What do you mean?
Sam is the beautiful woman.

Okay, are you sure
I cannot get you some alcohol?

(LAUGHS) What's all this?

Going out on the pull, so I am.

I'm sick of being
the only single bloke here.

Yeah, but now?
None of the clubs will be open.

Man, I ain't going to any of the clubs.

I've had enough of running about,

chasing a bunch of drunken,
peroxide, mini-skirted girly-girls.

I've decided to set my sights higher.

Someone maybe a little bit older.

Sophisticated, classy.

You know, a real businesswoman type.

- Orange juice.
- Hey, maybe you can help.

Reckon you owe me a favour anyway.

Why am I owing you a favour?

Hello? Loca Lucy, remember?

This was not my fault.

You were not clear enough about
what type of woman you were wanting.

Oh, aye, right, 'cause I didn't specify
"not a demented Warthog"?

Is what I am saying,

I am not the reader of the minds.

Aye, well, you can keep your little
black book in your pocket this time.

I just want some local info, that's all.

Okay-

So, where might a single bloke go
if he's looking to hook up

with a woman on the more
professional side of things?

You are looking
for a professional woman?

Yeah. High class, mind.

Oh, yes, my friend.

I know the place.

Keep it quiet.

ROB: We really don't have to
do this, you know.

- After everything they've. ..
- Robbie,

they are your family
and they're looking out for you.

I understand.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh.

Bloody hell!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Kenneth, I'm worried.

Oh, will you calm down?

I've told you, that scream

clearly came from one of the rooms,
not our salon.

Have you ever seen SweeneyTodd?

He used to cut people's throats
and bake 'em into pies.

Liam, our Jacqueline can
barely boil an egg.

Don't think we need worry about
her making people pasties any time soon.

Now, just relax.

I said relax.

(SIGHS)

This whole thing
is gonna be a massive flop.

Her ego will take a bruising,
we'll never have to worry

about her pulling rank again.

Now, lie down.

Dad? Dad!

(GROANING) Oh.

(GROANING) Oh.

(LOUDLY) Oh!

Oh, charming.

(GROANS)

(STRAINING)

- Dad, what happened?
- I don't know, son.

Sudden rush of blood.

Grandad, what the hell?

Oh, heck.

He was watching me get undressed.

- What!
- No, no, no.

Oh, well, I think we all know where
that rush of blood went now.

Dad, is this true?

No, it weren't like that, son.

It were an accident.

I only caught a glimpse, that's all.

You're lucky I didn't have a stroke.

Oh!

Nice, Grandad. Real nice.

I take it lunch is off, then?

Oh, here he comes, look.

Our Ex-Executive Entertainments Manager.

Ex-ex, actually. Soon to be reappointed.

Since I happen to have recently added

a genuine, bona fide, 24-carat,
grade-A celebrity

to my client list.

- (SCOFFS) You have?
- Yes!

I have! This isn't my
first rodeo, you know.

(SCOFFS) Need I remind you
that in my earlier years,

I almost signed T'PAU!

So, who is the 24-carat
you have signed now?

Madre mia!

I am not fancying yours much.

Uh, this is...

Sammy Valentino.

Oh, you recognise him, then? I thought
he might be a bit before your time.

Of course she is recognising him.

- He was a big...
- Big cult figure to my generation.

Really?

- A cult, you say?
- Oh, yeah.

Complete and utter one.

Wait till I tell Joyce.

Hey, wait up.

You're not planning on
just putting him on here, are you?

A star of that quality?

- What do you mean?
- I mean you should be thinking bigger.

I'm talking merchandise,
franchise rights...

Today the Solana, tomorrow
the Benidorm Palace and then,

who knows?

The Albert Hall, Vegas...

Vegas?

What's your cross-platform,
multimedia strategy for him, then?

You've registered a domain name, right?

- Well, I...
- It's all right, don't worry.

I've got a few contacts in that area.
We could do it for as cheap as,

mmm, six hundred euros?

- Six hundred?
- You'll need to get the expense card

off the missus, of course.

But listen, I wouldn't go into
too much detail with her just yet.

She's not quite as clued-up on the world
of showbiz and technology

as you or I.

(STAMMERING) I'm not sure.

Monty, this could be the big one.

Don't make the same mistake
you did all those years ago.

Don't let this one
slip through your fingers,

like china in your hand.

I won't. Don't worry.

I won't. I'll be right back.

What did you think you are doing?

You are knowing fully well
this man has been here before.

He is not a celebre-baty,
he's crazy in the head.

I cannot let you go ahead with this.

I'll cut you in 20%.

- 30.
- 25.

- 20.
- Deal.

(EXCLAIMS)

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

It's your wife.

Is it?

Aren't you gonna answer it?

Dennis, we're in the middle
of an investigation.

Oh, yeah.

Nige, do you think a lot of
British criminals hide out here

in disguise?

I don't know. Why?

No reason.

But what exactly did you see?

I've told you, son, she were
in her bra and knickers.

But I weren't spying on her.

I know, I know.

I'm just trying to ascertain
exactly what it was you saw.

Oh, does it really matter?

My father has been accused
of something very serious here, Sheron.

I'm just... I need to get
a clear picture in my head.

Yeah, I'll bet you bloody do.

LORETTA: You know what I think?

No one cares what you think, Mam.

I think she did it on purpose.

I think she knew your heart
couldn't take it.

It's "Ten Little Indians". She's trying
to bump us off one by one.

Oh, for God's sake.

You can scoff, Sheron.

But I, for one, will be sleeping
with my door locked tonight.

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

So, quite the soirée,

isn't it?

Soirées are in the evening.

That's all right.

I'm planning on hanging around.

Do you wanna buy me a drink?

Excuse me?

I'm sure I do.

Actually, I'd like to buy you one.

Would you?

You'd like to buy me a drink at a party
that's handing out free drinks?

Absolutely.

I'm Callum.

Caroline.

I ordered a Coke.

Yes, but you are looking
like you are needing this.

You have had a fight with your
skinny boyfriend, yes?

No, I haven't.

And he's not skinny.

- Hmm.
- Robbie's not the problem.

- It's his family.
- I have seen him with them.

He is what they call
a little mummy boy, yes?

No, he just loves them.

And they love him.

It's me they are not so sure about.

And I don't want to make him choose.

If you cannot make this okay with them,

you must set him free.

Move on. Find someone new.

Perhaps this time a man,

not a boy.

- You're right.
- I am?

I've got to make things okay with them.

Thank you.

Is not what I was saying.

Driven and determined, you say?

A hundred and ten percent, Joyce.

A hundred and ten percent.

I apologise for this morning's
little tête-à-tête

but rest assured, I am now
firmly back in the saddle.

Ooh.

Very well.

Consider yourself unfired.

Well, technically, I quit.

- Sorry?
- Nothing.

Our entertainments expense card.

You do realise I check
these statements every week?

Anything that comes out will go
back in again twofold, Joyce.

My word is my bond.

I won't let you down.

Mmm.

There you go.

Thanks, Lesley.

Lesley, why are all your friends
here today?

Hey, now, that's offensive, that is.

Just 'cause we share
a certain kind of lifestyle choice

doesn't automatically mean
we all know each other.

All right, Lesley?

Oh, champion, Brenda.
All right young un? (CHUCKLES)

I mean, I have nothing
against your kind.

I used to think The Two Ronnfes were
hilarious when they dressed up as women.

I just feel there's something going on.

Well, it's nowt to do with me.

- They're all going in the salon.
- The salon?

Oh.

(PHEW)

(LAUGHING)

Of course, this isn't my usual hotel.

I just rent the room here
because it's central, you know?

Trust me, in my business,
I know the importance of discretion.

- Would you give us two secs?
- Oh.

Not too shabby, eh?

The lad's still got it.

We'll, I've seen worse, I suppose.

Where'd you find her?

Yeah, no offence, don't think
you'll have heard of it.

A little hotel called the Bel Toro.

It's kind of upmarket.

Mmm, the Bel Toro, eh?

Yeah, I think I might have heard of it.

Well, you kids have a good night.
Don't wait up.

I've got to hand it to him.

He said he was going out
to bag a professional

and that's exactly what he did.

Oh, she's a professional, all right.
A real working girl.

Joey, the Bel Toro is a hotel known for
providing it's rich guests

- with escorts.
- Yeah.

I think my dad used to have one of them.

Or was it a Capri?

It's lucky you're good in bed.

- Aww, thank you.
-(BOTH CHUCKLING)

What on Earth's going on?

Oh, hello.

Kenneth, Kenneth,
she's not even looking.

I put the call out to a couple
of the bars.

Benidorm has got some of the best
female impersonators

in the world.

But even out here,

the upper lip line
can let them down a bit.

There we go!

-(GIGGLES) Oh, thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Business is booming.

I don't care how booming it is.

You've turned this place into...
Well, some sort of a... (STAMMERS)

Well a sort of....

Oh, I say.

It's really very smooth, isn't it?

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

Room for a little one?

I don't have a problem in that area
myself, per se,

but I mean, uh,

I suppose just a quick
once-over couldn't hurt.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, give over, you great lettuce,
you're not gonna find an ear!

Like it or not, this whole sodding
operation's been a complete success.

There'll be no stopping her now.

She'll be offering walk-in
rhinoplasty next.

I tell you, it's just the beginning.

All right, I'm heading down
to Neptune's. Are you boys coming?

In a bit.

Maybe I'm being a bit silly,

but I can't help thinking you two
seem a bit cross about something.

Oh, you still don't think I can do it,
do you?

Do what, Jacqueline?

Run this place, be a good boss.

Is that what today's been about?

You trying to prove something to us?

Prove what, exactly?

That I was bringing
something to the table.

That I wasn't just a lazy, useless,
silent partner.

Oh, Jacqueline, we want you
to do nothing.

Kenneth and I like this place
the way it is.

We don't want things to change.

- You don't?
- No, of course not.

A lazy, useless, silent partner is what
we've always been looking for.

Oh! That's such a relief.

'Cause I think all that wrist action

was starting to bring back
my repetitive strain injury.

How about we just call today
a one-off special?

Whatever you say.

Feet up,

- Boss. (LAUGHING)
- Oh!

-(LIAM AND KENNETH CHUCKLING)
- Aww.

# I was sent to witness
Candice's inner business

# She wants the boys to notice
her rainbows and her ponies

# She was educated
but could not count to ten...

There you go, guys.

- Lovely.
- Cheers.

I think your liquor licence
is out of date.

No, it's not. We just haven't
gotten round to changing it.

Who are you two like, the Old Bill?

- (CHUCKLES)
- No.

- What?
- Why'd you say that?

- What are you talking about? Us?
- I'm a... I'm a dermatologist.

Oh, I was only joking.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Dermatologist?

I panicked.

# Oh, ring a ring of roses

# Whoever gets the closest...

Right, I'm here.

What is this big surprise
you claim to have for me?

Well, if I told you that,
it would't be a surprise, would it?

(LAUGHS)

Have you done something to your hair?

No.

Well?

(EXHALES AND CLEARS THROAT)

I hope this internet
thing of yours is on the level.

On the level? Let me ask you,

have you ever heard of a certain
website by the name of Facebook?

Facebook?

Yeah. Yeah, I have, yes.
I have heard of that.

Well, I've only managed to get him
his own personal account.

Oh.

What's all this about
a big surprise, then?

Well, Sammy has agreed to celebrate
our new partnership

with a special impromptu performance
here. (WHISPERS) Tonight.

What, he's here? He's in the hotel?

Yes, indeed he is.

I better go and check on him, actually.

Not a word to Joyce.

This is not good for you.

When Miss Temple Savage sees
who he has got,

your little scam will be over.

Yeah? Yeah, well,
we'll just see about that.

Monty, wait up!

Monty! Monty!

# What are you doing it for

# What are you doing it...

(MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED)

(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, this must be it, yeah.

Oh, you gave him a star.

No! I didn't.

One moment, one moment.

Give me as second. Nearly there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Entrer.

Ha! Ha ha ha, Monty!

Monty, Monty, Monty, Monty!

I still got the jacket, look.

The famous jacket, and it still fits.

- Ah!
- Mind that scarecrow!

Double money round?

How many rounds
did this bloody thing have?

(LAUGHS) Well, you're on in five.

- Are you ready?
- All ready! I was born ready.

And this is...

Oh, this? This is my personal assistant.

She's also a big fan.
just wanted to say hello.

Of course she is. Hi!

Did we ever, you know...
(WHISTLES AND HONKS) ...get it on?

No, we didn't.

Right, well, as I say,
five minutes, Sammy.

I'll go and prepare the stage.

Yes, yes, yes. let's do this, Monty,
let's do this.

- So you've got everything you need?
- Yes.

- Feeling okay?
- Feeling good.

Not worried about the cameras?

No, not... Sorry, what cameras?

Oh, there's a British film crew
doing one of those

Fly-on-the-wall documentries
about the Solana.

They were so excited
when I told them you were here.

Said no one in the UK had seen you
for about a year?

Something about a nervous breakdown.

No!

No! They're wrong, they're bloody wrong.
I didn't have a...

a nervous breakdown
live on Sunday teatime television.

Anyway, I left her, she didn't leave me.

Anyway, what I was doing,
it was experimental.

No, no, I know, it's fine.

You know what they're like, these
telly people. They're after a kind of?

"Failed has-been freezes up again"
angle.

But we're not gonna
give it to them, are we?

Monty was telling me you've practised
your act every day for the past decade.

Says it's honed to perfection.

Well, I've... (STAMMERS) I've kind of.
I've not been doing it every day.

Great.

'Cause there are 200 people out there

and they're all chanting your name.

I know you can do this, Sammy.

Oh, the cameras are HD,
by the way, so, uh,

you might want to apply a bit more.

Five, four, three, two, one...

Get off my grass!

(LAUGHING)

# Put your head against my life

# What do you hear?

# A million words just trying to make...

Eddie, I just want to say

sorry I accused you of spying on me.

I realise now it was an accident.

Oh.

Well, that's very big of you, lass.
Thank you.

And Dad, is there something
you'd like to say, too?

Oh, aye.

I'm sorry I saw your tits, love.

Apology accepted.

Shall we, uh, hug it out?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Excuse me. I have to get this.

Unbelievable.

Actually unbelievable.

# Here I am

# A million love songs later...

Gone? What?...

How can he be gone?

I have no idea.

He asked me for a glass of water,
I went and fetched one,

and when I came back, he was... (SIGHS)

It's stage fright, that's all.

Happens to the best of them.

The more professional they are,
the worse it can get.

It's fine. To be honest, we were putting
the cart before the horse, anyway.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, you don't just relaunch a star
of Sammy Valentino's quality like this.

You need a big campaign first.

Work on building up demand.

And with that in mind,
I think if we were to take

a little bit more money
out of that expense account...

Expense account?

Do you think Joyce is going to
let me keep the card now?

(HUFFS)

I promised her a big surprise.
What am I gonna do?

You'll just have to give her one.

Well, I suppose that might distract her
for a few minutes.

But then what?

I meant give her a surprise.

What surprise? I haven't got a surprise.

(SIGHS)

Caroline?

Eh, it's nothing personal.
I always fall asleep after I...

Caroline?

# A million love songs later

# And here I am

Papa?

Mum, will you stop it?

What, are you telling me you don't
want to know who she's talking to?

No, I don't.

But I imagine you probably
already know, don't you?

So, go on then, Miss Marple,
enlighten us.

Obvious, isn't it? Her family,

checking in to see how the plan's going.

You mark my words,
she's achieved stage one

and now she'll be moving on
to stage two.

And what exactly is stage two?

Oh, you had to ask.

Sell us the idea of them, of course.

Some big old sob story.

"Oh, I miss them all so much.

"You don't know the kind of life
they lead over there."

And then, stage three.

Start shipping them over.

You might want to think about getting
that garage converted now, Billy.

Save time.

Shut up, Rob's coming.

What?

Nothing love.,

Um, Rob.

Can I have a word?

Oh, don't you mind us, flower.

You can say anything you like
in front of us.

After all, we're practically family,
aren't we?

- Is something wrong?
- You could say that.

It's my father.

He knows where I am.

He's flying out tomorrow.

Brilliant, just brilliant.

She's only gone and skipped
straight to stage three.

# Here l am #

Hello, can I have
everybody's attention, please?

I'm sorry to have to cut
John-Paul off short there,

but we have someone backstage
who's very anxious to come out

and give a surprise performance

for a very special lady.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Joyce Temple Savage Staines.

Oh, my God.

We've been husband and wife now
for four whole days

and I just wanted to express to you,

tonight, in front of everyone,

just how much each and every
one of those days has meant to me.

# It was a theme she had
on a scheme he had

# Told in a foreign land

# To take life on Earth
to the second birth

# And the man was in command

# It was a flight on the wings
of a young girl's dreams

# That flew too far away

Hey, I didn't expect
to see you down here tonight.

You can't be done already, can you?

What, me?

You kidding? No, of course not.

I was just getting my
second wind, wasn't I?

Thing is, she seems to have vanished.

- I thought she might've come down here.
- Why would she come down here?

I don't know,
but she can't have gone home,

'cause she left all her money behind.

Oh, my God, she really was
a businesswoman.

Which means she must have
thought he was a... (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thought he was a what?

# Don't push too far, your dreams

# Are china in your hand

- Oh, for God's sake.
-# Don't wish too hard because

Come on, girls.

# They may come true
and you can't help them

# You don't know

# What you might have set upon yourself

-# China
- Are you enjoying your surprise?

-# China in your hand
- Give me that.

(MIMING SAXOPHONE SOLO)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)