Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I should not be doing this, I am a skilled barman.

I should not have to be touching British people's sausage.

Madre mia!

- Where are you going? - I'm going to work, Monty.

Joyce, you absolutely insist

on us having no honeymoon.

The least we can do this week is have a lie-in.

I've had my lie-in. It's 8 o'clock.

Okay, you win.

What do you mean, I win?

Well, if I can't beat you, I'm gonna join you.

I can't have you under my feet at work, Monty.

You're actually more useful in bed.

I didn't mean that how it came out.

Uh, Joyce.

What about that new position we talked about?

For goodness' sake. I know we've just been married,

but do you really not think of anything else?

I meant Entertainments Manager.

Oh, I see.

Uh, look, I'm sorry, Monty. We've been through this.

Any new position at the Solana

has to be advertised internally for at least three working days.

You can't have the job until that time has elapsed.

Who on Earth out of the morons running around this place

is gonna have those qualifications?

That's not the point. The job has to be advertised for three days.

And as the Americans say...

(AMERICAN ACCENT) I have to cover my ass.

That's the new position out of the window then.

I beg your pardon?

I mean me getting it today.

Starting the job today.

If this is your attempt at being amusing, Monty,

I need to tell you, you are failing miserably.

No, it was my attempt at getting a job.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Hola.

I have something for you.

- What is it? - Is for you.

Is hot and fresh.

The last thing I need after a swim is a mountain of old burnt meat

that has been left out for days sweating in the sun.

I told you this breakfast

is fresh this morning.

I was not talking about the breakfast.

Where have you been?

Robbie, I'm sorry. I tried not to wake you.

The doctor says you could've had concussion.

He said I was lucky not to have concussion.

Well, it's bed for the rest of the day.

I want your father to know

I do not blame him for what happened last night.

Fine.

- I'll send him a text. - Robbie.

I want to go downstairs.

You know, I've been lying in this bed praying for a euphemism like that.

- A euphemism is... - Oh, I know euphemism.

It is the substitution of a mild or vague expression

for one considered to be offensive

or unpleasant.

I love it when you talk dirty.

Well, I think you're crazy.

Entertainments Manager. It's right up your street.

And have Temple Savage as a boss? You've got to be kidding.

Ah, you might have a point there.

- What about you, Mateo? - What about me?

Entertainments Manager.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Is she okay?

Him? Entertainments Manager?

Oh God, that's hilarious.

Oh. Right. I have money to be made. Ladies.

SAM: Hello. Can I help you with anything?

Hello, son! Nice couple of days off?

Eh, how was your mate's wedding?

Ah, it was lovely. It rained every minute I was there.

(CHUCKLING)

How was your wedding? I mean, Joyce and Monty's?

Did you not hear about it?

No, why, what happened? Give me all the gossip.

Gossip? Eh, this will make your hair stand on end.

I'm sorry to interrupt this mother's meeting,

- but we do have a hotel to run. - I'll ask Jacqueline.

Aye, all right, son. Nice to have you back!

Jacqueline.

Oh, Liam!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Where's Kenneth? Me dad said there's some gossip.

Oh, well, where do I start?

They all got stranded on Peacock Island after the wedding.

Then Kenneth tried to swim back to Benidorm

and nearly drowned,

but was saved at the last minute by Vladimir, a Russian sailor,

who he's now going out with.

Then, in the afternoon, a dentist tried to kill him.

Then everything was all right, till last night,

when he threw a moody after finding out that Blow 'n' Go has got a new owner.

Blow 'n' Go's got a new owner?

Who'd be stupid enough to buy this place?

Me.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, pet, can I help you?

Miss Temple Savage,

I would like to be applying for the position of Entertaining Manager.

Entertainments Manager.

- Is what I am saying. - Mateo.

Entertainments Manager is a very specialised position.

Not only do you need a background in entertainment,

you also need to be entertaining.

No offence.

LES: Nae bother, one second.

Bean, is Matteo.

You are still looking for a job?

Honestly, the way she dived off that stage,

I could see the pound signs in her eyes.

It were our Billy that did it, with microphone lead.

Oh, she's good. Don't get me wrong.

She knows what she's doing.

She'll be with that rep now putting her claim in.

- Who's putting a claim in? - Nobody.

Loretta reckons Cyd took a dive on that stage

to claim for the old compo.

- Absolute rubbish. - Told you.

Mind you, if I was on stage with Billy and his sweaty, wandering hands,

I think I'd dive head first into a tableful of pint pots as well.

Do you realise how serious that accusation is?

Yes, I do.

You never laid a finger on that young lass.

Thank you.

In saying that,

you did have a good ogle.

But I always say if the puppies are in the window,

stop and have a look.

- I beg your pardon? - I beg your pardon?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Drink, anyone?

I'll take that as a no.

You are thinking about buying a puppy?

Uh, no.

Callum. You up, mate?

Callum! Callum!

Shh! Joey, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Sorry, mate. It's nearly 11. I thought you'd be up.

I am.

But somebody else isn't.

Ahh!

Who?

For God's sakes, Joey.

Oh, my days. You got lucky last night. Shut up!

No, no, my friend, luck had nothing to do with it.

Irresistible charm and rugged good looks might have, though.

Oh! She's got rugged good looks?

Well, I suppose we're in Benidorm.

Not her, you moron. Me.

Oh, right. Right. Sorry. Sorry.

So, what's she like?

(CHUCKLES)

Man, off the scale.

- You mean really fat? - No, I don't mean really fat.

She's not really fat. She's really fit.

Oh, right. Cool. Cool.

- Can I, uh... - Can you what?

Can I have a look?

Joey, she's a woman asleep in my bed, not an animal in the zoo.

Sorry. Sorry. My bad.

- Can I take a picture? - You're unbelievable.

Sorry. (CHUCKLING) Ooh!

I'm sorry, uh, Mr Beaned.

Nowhere on your CV does it mention

any experience in the hotel or travel industry.

- It's Bean. - It's been what?

No, it's Bean.

Bean with a "Mr" in front of it

is that fecking eejit with a turkey on his head.

Right. As I say, I'm afraid you just don't have

the appropriate qualifications to become a member of the Solana team.

What exactly would be the appropriate qualifications

to become a member of the Solana team?

Well, being sober, for a start.

I have a cold.

- And perhaps some experience. - I can get experience.

I'm sorry, we just haven't got anything for you.

Do you know No-plums Eric?

- Who? - Eric Palmer.

- They call him No-plums Eric. - No, I don't know him.

Well, he could vouch for me.

Why on Earth would someone be called No-plums Eric?

Because he hasn't got any plums.

They used to call him No-apples Eric but...

he must've got some apples.

Right. I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave.

You've got a very short memory.

What's that got to do with anything?

Last year, when you came to the circus?

You were the clown.

And I helped you put on your show.

Yes, I remember.

Maybe we have something in the Kids' Club, I mean,

you have, after all, experience with children.

In the circus, I used to have this clown car that exploded.

You know, the doors fell off and all that.

Oh, yes?

I used to pour twice as much gunpowder in it

to make the little shits cry.

I hate children.

Feckin ankle biting bastards.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Come in!

Miss Temple Savage, we need...

Bean! You came.

- Did you get the job? - No, he did not!

- Do you know No-plums Eric? - Get him out of here.

Bean, I told you not to drink.

Feck off! I'm in the middle of an interview.

Miss Simple-Cabbage, will you tell him?

Come on.

(SIGHS)

No plums Eric?

For someone who was at death's door last night,

Cydney appears to have made a miracle recovery.

It's Cyd!

She weren't at death's door. She tripped over.

Tripped? Ha!

I'm sorry?

She went down like Saddam Hussain with a bag on his head.

I'm sorry?

Like a sack of spuds. Bang, out for the count.

She wasn't out for the count. She was fine.

Not a thing wrong with her.

Oh, you can say that again.

I didn't say that out loud, did I?

Well, if there was nothing wrong with her,

how come she went to hospital?

I took Cyd to the hospital as a precaution.

And you did right, son. You can't be too careful.

Yeah.

I bet that'll cost a bob or two because she won't have insurance.

How do you know she doesn't have insurance?

Has she got insurance?

No, as it goes,

she doesn't have insurance. But it wasn't expensive.

- Here we go. - Here we go where?

You've known her for 20 minutes

after bumping into her in the middle of the jungle

and already she's bleeding you dry.

Bleeding me dry?

Because when I mention the price of the hospital visit,

you automatically assume I paid, is that right?

I'm saying nothing.

Really, well for somebody who's "saying nothing",

there's a surprising amount of shite coming out of your gob.

Hey, hey. That's your nana you're talking to.

Thanks for reminding me.

Because listening to all this poisonous crap she keeps coming out with,

- It's easy to forget. - Tell him Billy.

Don't, uh... Don't use the word "crap". It's swearing.

This family is a joke.

And one I've heard so many times,

I can't even bring meself to laugh any more.

EDDIE: He won't have met her in the jungle.

South America, it'll be rainforest.

Didn't you learn owt at school?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, madam. I don't have the lyrics

to Who Put the Ram in the Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong.

All words for the karaoke are provided on screen at the time of singing.

I'm sorry, pet, it's the same for everyone.

- Hey! - Ah, bloody hell.

Excuse me, sir. Are you okay?

I tripped over a rather large woman.

I don't think it was her fault.

I imagine it's probably genetic.

I'm not surprised you fell over with those shoes.

Well, look who it is.

Sam!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know this fella?

We have a history of performing together.

Do you see? Panic over.

So what brings you here?

Apart from the enchanting decor and the wildly attractive staff?

I just got given a job by the lovely Miss Wimple-Ravage.

Temple-Savage.

That' s the one.

Temple Savage gave you a job here?

If it's collecting glasses, you do know you're not supposed to drink the dregs?

Children's entertainer.

I love children.

I don't hate them. I love them.

You're the new Solana's children's entertainer?

As I said, just been given the job by Miss Pimple-Gabbage herself.

Right. Well, do you want me to show you where the Kids' Club is?

I'll meet you back here in 20.

I'm just gonna nip home and slip into something more hilarious.

I don't hate kids. I love 'em. love 'em to bits.

I've seen nothing.

Unfortunately, Lesley, that statement couldn't be more true.

(JAUNTY KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

You beauty.

You got my text, then?

You don't know what this means to me, Joyce.

I'm sorry I had to make you wait, Monty.

But I do have protocol to adhere to.

Clearly, the other candidate wasn't a patch on me.

I don't know. It was quite close.

- Well, the best man won. - Only just.

- Sorry? - Here we are.

You are now officially the Solana's Entertainments Manager.

Joyce, is it okay if I just nip out for a couple of hours?

For heaven's sake, Monty,

you've not even started and you're asking for time off.

No, no, no, no. It's work.

I've already put in a call to Swifty Finklestein.

- Do you know him? - No, I think I'd remember the name.

He used to book all the acts for the Benidorm Palace.

And apparently, The Great Crostini and Co are in town

and looking for work.

Isn't that an Italian bread?

No, he's one of the greatest magicians that ever lived, according to Swifty.

Oh, well, if Swifty says it, I suppose it must be so.

- You won't regret this, Joyce. - Heard that before somewhere.

Not only am I married to the most wonderful woman in Benidorm,

I'm working with her, too, 24/7.

I've got it all! Chips and rice, Joyce. Chips and rice.

Two hours maximum, three on the outside, definitely no longer than four.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - (SIGHS)

Bloody hell, you go away for two days,

it's like missing a whole month of Hollyoaks.

Yeah, it's been a funny 48 hours.

- So where's Kenneth now? - I've no idea.

He was quite shocked when I told him I bought the lease to Blow 'n' Go.

Yeah, I did think it was a bit funny that Troy never said anything.

I asked him not to say anything because I wanted to tell you myself.

I thought you'd both be pleased.

Oh, I am pleased. I think it's amazing.

Well, Kenneth left very quickly last night after I told him.

And he's not turned up for work,

so I can only assume he's not happy about it.

# It must be love, love, love

# Nothing more, nothing less

# Love is the best #

- Morning, Kenneth. You sound chirpy. -(GRUNTS)

Where have you been? You're an hour late.

Oh, blame the sun for shining. Blame the birds for singing.

Blame the cooling breeze for soothing

that little ginger sunburned brow of yours, Liam.

But do not blame me for being in love.

Having a boyfriend is not an excuse for being late for work.

Oh! What's happened?

Have I missed the latest instalment

regarding the everchanging ownership of Blow 'n' Go?

Oh, don't tell me. You've come up trumps on a scratch card

and now you've bought it off Jacqueline.

Who will be the next owner

of the Costa Blanca's premier hair and beauty salon? Hmm?

Mateo? Baby Jesus?

That woman with the blotchy arms who sits outside the Piccadilly Bar

farting along in time to the music?

- It's hard to keep up. - Stop being a bitch, Kenneth.

Jacqueline's been a good friend to us.

We should be pleased we're working for her.

I don't work for people, Liam. I work with them.

Well, I try to.

I'm gonna go put the kettle on.

First appointment isn't until midday.

- So, you boys take your time. - Huh!

- I'll see you in a few minutes. - No hurry.

Oh, my God, Liam. I can't wait for you to meet Vlad.

He's a man-mountain. Six foot seven.

- Makes me look like Don Estelle. - I don't know who that is.

What is your problem with Jacqueline owning the salon?

She's the most kind, considerate, caring person I know.

- You haven't met Vlad. - Answer the question.

Where are you going? I'm talking.

Going into the old town to meet Vlad.

I've booked him in for a double session of manscaping and intimate bleaching.

Twenty years of heterosexual marriage

have left him with an undercarriage like a burnt-out Vauxhall Nova.

- You mean he's straight? - Not any more.

There are no straight men in this world, Liam.

Just them that haven't met Kenneth Du Beke.

Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear it's not working out with your folks.

It's just been Nana, really. She's always been the same.

I should just ignore her.

Robbie, I think we should go back.

Your grandmother, she looks like a... How you say, a...

- Bag lady? - No.

- Evil witch? - No.

- Withered old slag. - Robbie, how can you say that?

In fairness, she is a bit of a slag.

She shagged Tiger last year.

- What? - Yeah.

Last year, Tiger shagged Rob's nan.

No, no. He didn't.

Uh, I think you'll find he did. (LAUGHING).

Oh, my God. That is hysterical.

I'm guessing it was better than your shag last night.

Oh, man.

- She was first-class. - You scored last night?

Of course, first night here. I don't mess around.

Legend.

What? So, Robbie's grandmother has a one-night stand and she's a slag.

But Callum has a one-night stand and he's a legend?

Really, Robbie? Really?

- Well... - Hola.

I thought you could be thirsty after your exercise this morning.

For you. It's called "The Leg Spreader".

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I am actually here, you know.

Do you know why it is called "The Leg Spreader?

Is it because it makes people do this?

- (YELPS) - (BOYS LAUGHING)

- What is wrong with you? - I'm going inside.

For a coffee.

All: Ooh!

Thanks for your support, lads. Nice one.

- Hey, you're a bit wet. -(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm so excited.

Blow 'n' Go has been such a big part of my life

for so many years.

Thought you wanted to talk about the salon?

I do.

Oh, Liam.

I did mean the salon.

You meant "blow and go" as in giving somebody...

Yeah, I know...

Oops, sorry.

- Hide me. - What?

Quick. Hide me!

How am I supposed do that? You're enormous.

- I beg your pardon? - I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

- You just panicked me. - Oh, Kenneth. What's happened?

- It's Vlad. - Who?

Vladimir. He's left his wife and he wants me to marry him.

- Oh, congratulations. - Will you just shut up and hide me?

- Get in there. - I can't go in there.

- It's too small. I'll never... - Oh, good.

(SCREAMS)

I'm sorry. We don't often have somebody quite as tall

as you in here. It gave me quite a shock.

Do you have an appointment?

- Where is Kenneth? - Kenneth?

Kenneth?

- This salon belong to Kenneth. - Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I think you're mistaken. This is my salon.

I love Kenneth.

Oh, well. That's smashing. But I'm sorry, we can't help you.

Kenneth? Wasn't that the name of a trainee we had?

What trainee?

Oh.

That big fat lad who was a bit simple.

- KENNETH: (MUFFLED) None taken! -(SNEEZING)

He was a bit of a fantasist, wasn't he, Jacqueline?

Oh, yes. A bit of a fantasist.

Kenneth used to tell people he worked here for years.

He's even told some people that he owned the salon,

when in fact he was just a deluded, overgrown child

who couldn't cut a head of hair if his life depended on it.

- KENNETH: Oh! - (COUGHS)

And we haven't seen him for days.

So, if you don't want a haircut, I think we'd better get on, love.

I love Kenneth. I don't care what people think.

I leave my wife for Kenneth.

I will find him and love him forever.

- Oh. - Because he's my life.

The reason for my living.

- I will go now. - Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

- Thank you. - Oh.

(GROANS) Okay. Okay.

- Thank you and good luck. - Bye.

Oh, do call again.

Oh.

Okay, yeah.

(PANTING)

- Come out. Come out. - Jesus Christ!

Are you two trying to kill me?

I could hardly breathe in there.

You could hardly breathe? It stinks of fish in here, thanks to your boyfriend.

Jacqueline, get the air freshener.

Has he definitely left the hotel?

Get in the back while I check the coast is clear.

(EXCLAIMS)

- Sorry. - You are! You are trying to kill me.

- Get in the back! - Oh, bloody hell.

(SIGHS)

Oh, I don't know. What a day.

Right. I think I'll have a siesta.

Right, best part of the day, is this.

It's a bit hot for me.

No. I mean when you frig off and leave us in peace for couple of hours.

Dad! Bloody hell.

Oh, don't you two start again.

You tend to have your little nap just after breakfast,

don't you Eddie, in your chair?

I generally have a 15-minute power nap about 11 o'clock.

I know.

It's the only time I get a chance to piss in your drinks.

See you later.

What is wrong with that woman?

She's disgusting.

When she said drinks,

she meant his drinks, not all our drinks, didn't she?

I'm gonna, uh, freshen me drink.

- Anyone else want another... - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Back in a minute.

What did your nan say about me?

(SIGHS)

- You said you didn't wanna know. - Well, I want to know now.

She...

thinks you're a gold-digger.

You have lots of gold?

No. Not much.

Well, none, actually. But Loretta thinks you've got even less than me.

I do not want anything from you, Robbie.

Except your love.

- You know that, don't you? - Of course I know that.

And if you did have lot of gold to dig,

I wouldn't want you more. I could not want you more.

Same here.

So, if I had lots of gold, you wouldn't care?

What if I was a secret millionaire?

I wouldn't care either way.

It makes no difference.

- You're not, are you? - I could be.

It's just that if you are, I was gonna suggest

going somewhere nice for lunch.

If not, then I'll just get another couple of instant coffees in.

If love was money,

I'd be a billionaire.

Two instant coffees it is, then?

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- Where was she from? - No idea.

She just came up to me in the club and said

"I'm not a girl who likes to waste people's time.

“Have you got somewhere to go?“

First time Sam and I did it,

I couldn't walk for almost an hour after.

- What'd she do, sit on your knee? - No.

Oh, God. Another missed call from her.

- What's her name? - Her name?

- Yeah. - Uh, I didn't put it in my phone, uh...

Gin. Ginny. Jenny.

Aye, that was it. Jenny.

And she keeps ringing you?

- Oh, God. I don't believe it. - What?

- Another text as well. - From Jenny?

"Hey, babe, when can I see you again?

"You said you'd take me to dinner."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. God, the things I say when I'm drunk.

All right, boys? What's happening?

Oh, hey, Sam. Oh, not a lot, really.

Well, I say that. Callum met a girl last night.

Hmrn, yeah? Are you gonna see her again?

Well, she's certainly keen.

She keeps texting and ringing him.

Well, this must be fate. I've just been given a voucher.

Dinner for four at the opening of the new Argentinean steak house

-in the old town tonight. - Well, how did you get that?

Oh, I did some work a while ago for a promotions company.

All they ask is that I write good review for the restaurant's website.

And you can bring Jenny.

Well, I don't know if she actually likes...

Uh, three course meal.

Choice of sirloin, fillet or rib-eye steak.

Champagne cocktail, all wine included.

Well, I could ask but...

And you said you'd take her out for a meal. This is perfect, man.

- Well, it... - Uh, Joey, I was wondering

if you could just help me move some stuff in my room?

- Oh. What is it? - Oh, just some stuff I need to move.

I'm on a half-hour break.

What kind of stuff? Is it heavy?

What's it matter what kind of stuff it is?

Well, if it's heavy or awkward, Callum could give us a hand as well.

Joey, she wants to have sex with you.

What?

Oh...

- Callum, mate, do you mind if I er... - Just go.

We'll see you later tonight. With jenny.

JOEY: See you in about half an hour.

- Um, it might be a bit longer. - Half-hour-ish.

Yeah. Send me a text if you need carrying down.

I see your crazy friend has gone.

You'll have to narrow that down a bit.

Ah, is good. You want another drink?

Here, you wouldn't happen to know any girls

that'd be interested in a free champagne dinner, would you?

Si, claro. I know lots of girls.

But this girl has to be beyond beautiful.

I'm talking absolutely insane.

She doesn't have to fancy me. It's not a real date,

but she gets a champagne dinner out of it.

I know just the girl.

She's called Loca Lucy. Whoo!

Sounds good to me.

- I'll get you her number. - Thanks, man.

What's going on? I'm supposed to be on a break.

The man with the weird face.

(EXCLAIMS) Ah!

Can't catch you kids out.

You're all as still as statues.

Bean, what are you doing?

We're playing musical statues.

You shouldn't be bothering me with this.

What the hell's going on?

- You again? - We didn't clarify

if this position included drinks or not.

So I brought my own. I hope that's okay.

Oh!

Oh!

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, pal. I don't suppose you've got a single euro coin, have you?

No, I've got several. Now, piss off.

Hello, Swifty? This is Monty Staines here.

I'm sitting at this cafe on the beachfront

and your magician is nowhere to be seen.

- If you think you're gonna get 10%... - Have you got five euro note?

Do you mind? I'm on a...

Five euros?

It was one euro a minute ago.

I think you're going in the wrong direction, pal.

Swifty, give us a call as soon as you've got this message.

I have no act for the Solana tonight because...

Eh?

Swifty, don't bother calling back, your magician has suddenly appeared.

As if by magic.

Why didn't you say you were the magician?

Well, I tried to do a trick with your own money

but you wouldn't give me a chance.

- I thought you were a beggar. - A beggar?

I am The Great Crostini!

The great unwashed, more like.

Have got a one euro coin?

- Oh, Christ. Not another one. - I've done that one already.

Sorry, I was in the toilet, loading me big finish.

- Who are you? - I'm Co.

I'm guessing not Sebastian.

We are The Great Crostini and Co.

- I am The Great Crostini. - And I'm Co.

Do we get the gig at the Solana?

I don't know. Well, your magic's all right.

But could you make a couple of layers of dirt

on that rather offensive pong disappear?

That's not a very nice thing to say.

The thing is they've turned the water off at the caravan park.

We could always freshen up at the hotel.

Why do I think I'm gonna regret this?

Thanks.

Not bad for free, eh?

So, where is this mysterious Jenny?

She's... She's actually called Lucy.

I got her name wrong. I was very drunk.

Probably won't even come. I haven't actually managed to speak to her today.

We've only chatted by text message, so...

Oh, we're not quite ready to order yet sorry.

Are you Callum?

- I'm sorry? - I'm Lucy from last night.

Sorry I'm late. I had to come straight from work.

Fucking hell, it's the dog's bollocks in here, isn't it?

Is that a champagne? Oh, my God, I love champagne.

Does make me quite gassy, though.

-(FARTS LOUDLY) - Ooh, there she blows.

Actually that'll be the curry I had for me dinner.

I work at Karma Chameleon.

The Indian opposite Mr Wu's. You know it?

Oh, my God, bread. I love bread so much.

# What to do, how to move him

# I've been changed, yes, really changed

# In these past few days

# When I've seen myself

# I seem like someone else

# I ....

Did you see the poster outside?

(LAUGHING) There's a magician on tonight.

I used to dabble in a bit of prestidigitation in the '70s.

Oh, I used to wonder what that policeman was doing outside our house.

Well, it's mainly all to do with false bottoms, you know.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, God. It isn't fair. You're not even letting me do the punchlines.

Shame Cydney isn't here.

She could tell you a few things about false bottoms.

What does that mean? And her name's Cyd.

I've worked it all out.

- She's not a gold-digger. - Oh. Thank you. Finally.

Maybe we can all get along a bit better now.

- She's a drugs mule. - Oh, for God's sake.

You mark my words.

You're laughing now, but when it all comes out

and our Rob's being bummed by Mr Big in a South American jail,

he'll be one wishing he had a false bottom.

What do you put in that thing, crystal meth?

No, but I know who I'd go to if I wanted some.

Hello, son.

- We've just been talking about... - Magicians.

- There's a magician on tonight. - Great. We'll get some drinks.

- Thanks, son. - I'll go to powder my nose.

So, where is he?

Oh, he'll be here. He's just getting a shower.

- A shower? - Yes, Joyce. A shower.

The acts do freshen up before they go on stage.

And what kind of magic does he do?

He turned this receipt into a huge euro coin.

He won't want paying, then.

Yes, young un? - You know my trousers,

they are still sticky and wet because of your girlfriend.

Yeah, she has that effect on most men.

(CHUCKLES)

Bloody hell, it's the Old Bill.

I'm gonna swap me shift with Josie on reception.

- Lesley, you are okay? - I'm fine.

Which one is Bill?

# It scares me so

# I want him so

# I love him so #

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Monty Staines, your Entertainments Manager here,

welcoming you to an evening of mystery and magic

with The Great Crostini and Co!

(JAUNTY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

- Here you go. - Well, thanks, son.

- Where's me nana gone? - No idea. But nobody's complaining.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, are you not watching this? Bloody amazing.

Don't fancy yours much.

This is all very easy.

When you know how.

- Go on, then. - Go on, then, what?

Where the bloody hell are these doves coming from?

I can't see which method he's using. I'd have to get a bit closer.

- I've been thinking. - Oh, heck.

If me owning the salon upsets you that much, Kenneth,

I'll sell it on.

- Who to? - I don't know. Anybody who wants it.

Oh, brilliant. So now we end up with a boss that we don't even know?

You weren't exactly thrilled with one that you do know.

Look, I'm sorry, Jacqueline.

But when I was given free rent at the salon by me Uncle Herbert,

it was like a dream come true to me.

Then he died and Norman the Doorman got it.

And then Troy got it. Now you've got it.

It just seems like all my dreams are getting further and further away.

Well, it'll seem a lot further away if we get somebody in that we don't know.

I know.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jacqueline, I did overreact.

Just always seems like the grass is greener on the other side.

- Like having a boyfriend. - Oh, God. Don't.

What a nightmare he turned out to be.

Do you know what it's like to have someone completely obsessed with you?

Worships the ground that you walk on,

can't be without you for more than ten minutes at a time?

- Wonderful? - No! It's bleedin' awful.

Back to the single life for me from now on.

Back to one night stands

and waking up on the bog in Cafe "B" at six o'clock in the morning.

- Do you mind if we don't drink to that? - No.

Very happy to drink on me own. Very happy indeed.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

MONTY". And now, The Great Crostini and Co require a volunteer

for the world premier of their new illusion.

EDDIE: Here you are! Here you are!

Yes, can I help you, pet?

My son's locked himself out of his room.

Is it possible to get a new key for...

Oh, I've forgotten the room number and he's just told me.

His name's Rob Dawson.

Nae bother, one second.

And I said, I don't usually shag on the first date.

But seeing as you're dead fit, I'll make an exception.

(FARTS)

Oh, God. Sorry. It's all this fizz.

More champagne?

- No! - Yeah, whack it in, Pedro.

Play your cards right and you'll get another go tonight.

Although, no funny business.

I had a lamb pasanda before I left work 'cause somebody had left it

and I'm feeling a bit bubbly, if you know what I mean.

Right. let's get one thing straight.

I did not meet you last night.

We did not have sex and we are not having sex tonight or ever.

So, this isn't the girl from last night?

There was no girl from last night.

I went home alone.

Sorry, I don't understand. Mateo told me to say we had sex last night.

He also said you were a looker,

which I can only assume is Spanish for "disgusting".

Disgusting? Where did you get that from?

(FARTS)

Oh God, I can't believe it.

I knew I shouldn't have had that lamb pasanda.

Oh, my God!

Sorry. Back in a minute.

(LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

EDDIE: (MUFFLED) What the frigging hell do you think you're doing?

- His head's too big. - Shut up.

I just want to clear the air, now me nana and granddad aren't here.

I don't think your granddad's gonna be here for much longer.

I want you to know that me and Cyd are serious.

Deadly serious about our relationship.

Can you not use words like "deadly serious"

- while this is going on, son? - To prove it...

Cyd. Cyd, will you marry me?

Well, don't leave me down here all night.

Oh... Oh, no.

Robbie! Robbie!

(INAUDIBLE)

(SCREAMING)

- Oh, God. That's all we need. - I just want to say,

I have been treated very shabbily.

- Very shabbily indeeed. - Get out!

I just want a job here.

I'm an entertainer. Your guests need entertaining.

Oi!

- How's it stuck? - I don't know.

- Here, take it here. - To me?

- To me? To you again. - To you?

- To me? To you. - To me. To you.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Steady. Steady.

# Oh, Danny boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling

# From glen to glen

# And down the mountainside

# For summer's gone

# And all the leaves are falling

# 'Tis you, 'tis you

# Must go and I must bide

# But come ye back...

It's all gone very avant-garde, hasn't it?

- Very Martha Graham. - Who?

- Kenneth, I love you. - What?

Jesus Christ! Get off me! Get off me!

Kenneth, I love you.

- No! - I love you, Kenneth.

- Well? - You said you wanted someone insane.

I said she had to look insane.

- So? She does this, too. - Insanely beautiful, I mean.

Okay. No, this is not Loca Lucy.

So why do you call her Looker Lucy when she's quite clearly not a Looker?

"Loca" Lucy.

Loca. It means crazy.

-# I love you so # - Vladimir, get off me! Vladimir!

- Kenneth. Kenneth. Kenneth. - Bloody hell!

Shit.

What are you doing?

Robbie? Robbie?

I'm sorry, the reason I didn't answer you was because...

I came up to leave something under your pillow.

You two have a lovely night.

(SIGHS)

# And all my grave

# Will warmer, sweeter be

(SCREAMING)

# Then you will bend and tell me

-# That you love me -(AUDIENCE GASPS)

I think we better get out of here.

- To mine? - To yours.

- Dad! - # Come to

# Me......... # -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Come on!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)