Original subtitles

Ohh. Oh God, I feel terrible!

Hair of the dog.

This has got to stop!

Ohh!

No, I'm sorry, pet!

I can't do it, it's just too hard!

Oh, hang on, hang on. Hang on!

Too hard for you?

You're having a laugh aren't you, Les? I'm absolutely gasping!

You should have said you wanted a brew!

We've just gone past breakfast.

I'm not gasping for tea, I'm gasping for air!

Aye, I thought I was on skating on thin ice,

having last night's chicken jalfrezi for breakfast.

Anyway, what you mean too hard for you?

You've got the easy bit!

Nah, I mean this was always me and Liam's costume.

- You know, for the fancy dress. - I know!

Why don't you wear that red dress you wore the other night,

I'll get you a red wig from the joke shop,

and you can go as, what's her name?

Um, Rita, someone... Hayworth!

You'll look hilarious!

I'll go and make that brew.

Sorry Les, I didn't mean to...

Listen son, you know that condition of Sheron's

about me coming to stay with you?

Yeah.

Uh, I think so... What did I say it was?

No women after 10:00!

Oh yeah, that's right.

Well, I'm thinking,

you know if that little dalliance I've got with Jacqueline works out.

I don't want to close the day's fishing

before I've got me tackle out, if you see what I mean.

Shall we talk about it another time?

Well but, we'll be home in a couple of days.

Leave it for now and maybe talk about it

when Sheron's in a good mood.

I'm not sure any of us are going to live that long.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joyce Temple Savage here.

As you all know, today is Benidorm's world famous

British Fancy Dress Fiesta.

Please feel free to join in the fun.

If you need help with costumes, just ask Mateo,

also known for today, as Bingo the clown!

Honk your horn!

And smile, don't forget to smile!

You're supposed to be a clown.

Mr Du Beke, please remove yourself from the sunbeds!

People are beginning to think it's "Penny for the guy."

Piss off!

Bloody hell!

Joyce Temple Savage has gone a bit heavy with make up today.

Can we dress up, Mum?

We haven't got any costumes love.

Please?

I wonder if he does birthday parties

or just sticks to murdering teenagers at county fairs?

Why do people think clowns are funny?

They give me nightmares.

I'm with you Robert.

There's nothing entertaining about a big fat bloke with silly hair,

wearing embarrassing clothes and a big, red nose.

Ahh!

Dad! Can I get a costume please?

Oh I get it, your mum says no. So you ask your Dad.

- You're not as daft as you look. - I didn't say no,

I just said we don't have any costumes!

In that case, I think we need a trip to the shops.

- Don't we? - Yeah!

Right, who's coming?

I was gonna hang out with Tiger and Joey today.

I'm all right here.

Come on then, if you're buying,

I fancy something very fetching in tight lycra.

Good luck in finding something in your size.

I beg your pardon?

Well it's all for kids isn't it? Fancy dress!

- Right, you ready darling? - Yeah!

Do you still want us to hire you that car Eddie?

- What car? - You know, the one that squirts water,

explodes and all the doors fall off.

See you in a bit.

I never asked to hire a car.

What would I want with a car?

And Donald said to Frankie Howerd,

"There's no point offering her four fingers,

"she can't even manage two."

Ooooh, and that's how they used to measure whisky?

Yeah, that's why Donald was so popular,

because of his fat fingers.

As a barman I mean.

Yeah...

Morning!

These were on reception for you.

Ah! They're lovely!

Oh, Kenneth, you look smashing,

Mr Motivator in't it?

Oh, I'm not sure I can be bothered with this fancy dress day.

It's not fancy dress, you cheeky cow!

I just haven't been to bed yet.

Oh! Remind me never to send you flowers

if that's the face you pull when you get them.

Look at the gob on her.

- They're from Gavin. - How do you know?

There's no card apart from your name and address.

I know because I had a good root around, obviously.

They're my favourite flowers, the only ones I would ever allow in the salon.

Only he would know that.

Plus, I got this pushed under the door yesterday.

Oh Troy, why don't you and Gavin get back together!

You were the perfect couple.

It's true, what was it they used to call you?

The Diana and Dodi of The East Midlands.

It was a mystery why that never worked out.

Shut up, I had 15 very happy years.

Yeah then you met that whinging, fat, old cow!

Right, I am due...

A very large English breakfast with extra beepeep.

This swimmer's build won't maintain itself, eh?

You've got a corkscrew perm at 11:00.

Which gives me 12 minutes to eat me breakfast,

and one minute to get back here!

I do love it when a plan comes together.

Hey! There's no stamp on this!

- Gavin's in Benidorm! - I know. Don't...

Hello, do you do walk-ins?

Only if they're six foot, blonde, Norwegian football players.

He's only joking.

Uh, come and take a seat.

I won't be a minute, I'll just put these in some water.

- Beautiful flowers. - Yeah, aren't they?

Oh heavens!

Don't worry, I've got that.

Cup of tea?

Oh thank you, milk and no sugar.

You've got a smashing bust!

I hate the fancy dressing.

I hate how everybody's treating me like a clown.

I'm not sure that's got much to do

with the costume to be honest, Mateo.

I hate everyone laughing at me.

Calling me stupid names.

And then they dressed you as a clown!

And this wig is making me crazy!

Ahh, you found another costume then?

Yeah, nurse Amber is now on call.

It is too hot for the fancy dressing,

why did they move the fiesta? It was better in November.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier, Les.

I wasn't making fun of you.

Don't worry about it.

The Fancy Dress festival was always mine and Liam's day.

I just miss him.

No, saying you would look hilarious dressed as a woman.

Let's just leave it shall we?

Excuse me?

- What can I get you? - Uh, vodka pineapple please.

If you miss Liam why don't you go and see him?

It's not that easy.

We both work six days a week,

and then there's the small matter of 40 euros each time for the coach.

And Madrid is expensive, is one of the reasons I come back.

Aye! Right.

What did I come here for?

Oh yeah, lemonade.

I do not like to see Les sad,

but he does miss his son.

Don't be sad, clowns are meant to be happy!

And the nurses are meant to make people feel better.

So between us, we should be able to think of something

to put a smile back on his face?

. What?

You shouldn't be using your phone all day, kid.

It'll cost you a fortune out here!

I'm just playing chess.

Who are you playing?

Nobody, it's just a free app on my phone, a free game.

Oh right!

I used to be good at chess.

There you go. Finish the game.

Just touch the pieces to move them. You're white.

All right Rob? You coming out to the fiesta?

Whoa! You're taking this fancy dress day a bit far, aren't you?

Oh, nah mate.

This ain't a costume!

Yeah, I know, it was kind of a joke.

These are my normal clothes!

- Yeah, no, as I was saying... - Oh my days!

Aye, Tige, Tige!

I came over here and Rob thought I was already in my costume,

coz my t-shirt's bright and that!

I was like this ain't my costume, bruv.

These are my normal clothes!

He's like, "Ah, I thought it was your costume."

It was hilarious, man!

We were cracking up, weren't we?

Well, I don't know what we're gonna do for costumes.

We're skint!

- I got some money. - I thought if we stick

a 10 euro note to each of our foreheads,

we could go as the Three Tenners.

Do you get it? The singers?

The Three Musketeers?

Yeah, or the three cats!

No, Joey, we were going for things

that there's specifically three of.

My nan has three cats.

We can go as them!

Bloody hell, kid.

Where did you find this one?

I think there's a village somewhere

short of an idiot!

Right, come on, let's roll.

Okay we're off, Grandad.

I've just started another game.

- Oh don't worry, I don't need me phone. - Are you sure son?

Yeah, no ringing your mates in the UK though!

What mates?

See you later.

See you later son.

Ah, actually we can't go as my nan's cats!

I just realised, one of them's a girl.

There you go, I think that's taken 10 years off you,

not that I knew how old you were in the first place.

But if I had to guess, mid-thirties?

I can see why you're so popular.

And don't forget if you're in Castle Donnington,

you're literally 20 minutes away

from our Derby salon, Hair by Troy.

Thank you.

Well, I'm here for two weeks,

so, I might have to see you again for a touch up.

Hey cheeky, lets keep an eye on you.

The lovely Jacqueline will see you at the till.

Hola!This way please.

There you go Barry, looking fabulous!

But if you take my advice

you'll drop the black and white minstrels idea, very 1960s.

Why don't you do all your karaoke numbers in falsetto

and tell everyone you've come as Leo Sayer?

All right, thanks. Thanks, Kenneth!

Just like to go and see Jacqueline at the till.

All right, come on, then.

- Spill the beans about Gavin. - I'm not gossiping.

Good, coz I don't want gossip. I want hard facts!

It started a few weeks ago.

He'd send me postcards like that, unsigned.

He'd leave little post-it notes on the front door

with a love heart drawn on them.

And you're sure it was Gavin?

I'd pick up the phone

and all I'd hear is this kind of wheezy, laboured breathing.

Yeah, that's him.

I'm just nipping out for a breather.

- All right, love. - All right!

The creepiest thing he did

was leave those little love heart sweets everywhere for me.

He'd post them through the door at home and at the salon.

If I went to the loo in a bar or cafe

when I came back there'd be a packet of them where I'd been sitting.

Bloody hell.

You know Gavin's serious if he's giving food away.

Why haven't you rung him to have it out with him?

No, I didn't want any contact.

But now he's here in Spain.

Balloon-o-gram for Troy.

Oh, for God's sake.

They have just arrived at the reception.

"Dear Troy.

"Please meet me at the Grand Cafe

"in the Old Town at 2 pm."

What are you gonna do?

Not being funny guys,

but is it really worth spending 30 euros each

to look like a bunch of tools?

What?

Oh... No, coz we're dressed as actual tools.

- I thought... - Oh yeah!

No, you're right though, I mean I ain't even got 30 euros!

We could just go into town and get hammered instead?

Please tell me you meant that one.

Coz you're dressed like a hammer!

Boo-ya! I'm on fire, bitches!

All right, hang on, I'll do one for you.

I... Saw... You!

I saw you!

Mr Saw?

Nah that one's rubbish.

Damn. I thought I'd nailed it.

How was that one funny?

Come on. Let's grab a beer.

Oh, bollocks!

Everything okay, sir?

It is now, darling.

You know you get more gorgeous every time I see you.

Oh, charmed I'm sure...

Well, if there's nothing I can help you with.

I see you've come dressed

as a glamorous hotel manageress.

Well, I like to look the part.

Maybe I could be the fella who cleans the pool.

If only you were. He's cancelled three times this week.

If that pool gets any dirtier,

we're going to have to give swimmers

a tetanus shot and a flashlight.

Of course in the films I've seen,

the pool doesn't usually end up much cleaner.

Yes well, they do say life imitates art.

I'm not sure you'd call these films art, love,

but they look good. I'll give you that.

Are you not dressing up for the British Fiesta?

Well I'm not going to bother. It's for the kids mainly isn't it?

Although, I've heard dressing up

can be fun for adults as well.

Indeed!

What woman doesn't love a man in uniform?

I can't believe Joey went to church.

You didn't know he was religious then?

I thought you were best mates.

We're mates, we play football together once a week.

I was talking about coming on holiday

- and he said he'd be up for it. - So you don't really know him that well.

I know he's shit at football.

Nah, he's a good bloke.

- He's certainly kept me laughing this holiday. - Oi oi!

What do you reckon?

Where d'ya get them?

The church!

I thought you were going in for a quick pray.

Nah, man! My mum's religious.

One thing I've learnt about churches,

security is lax, bro.

Did you steal them?

Nah man, just borrowed 'em, innit?

Nice one, brother.

Or should that be sister?

Hey lads, wearing women's clothes,

this isn't a habit I want to get into.

Definitely not, it's just for fancy dress innit?

No, Joe, a habit. Do you get it?

- A habit? - No mate, like Joey said,

it's just a one off, chill bruv!

There you go, darling. Tiger man!

Now, did your mum give you a euro for the jar?

- Yeah. - Thank you!

Well done, Amber, this is lovely!

Oh! Terrifying!

Mind you, not as terrifying as some.

It is no good.

I ask the children if they want to have their face made with the paint,

but they just run away.

I'm not surprised, you look horrendous!

I am a clown, children love clowns.

Nobody likes clowns, they are absolutely terrifying.

Go and get changed!

This was the last costume.

Do you think I would choose to be a clown?

I'm sure a stag party left a load of tarts

and vicars costumes last week.

- What is a tart? - Like you don't know.

Off you go.

Oh come on, you've been in there ages!

Hey! It isn't Stars in Your Eyes, ya know.

I can't just walk through a sliding door,

and come back two seconds later looking like Tina Turner!

Do you need any help Jodie, love?

Nah, I'm all right. Nearly ready!

Aha, me hearties!

Captain Blackbeard at your service.

Captain Birdseye more like.

Hush your noise, you dirty landlubber

or I'll take me cutlass and run you through!

Oh, shit! Pff...

I don't think you'll have much chance of running anywhere, not with that leg!

Wow!

You look amazing!

- I'm a mermaid! - Brilliant!

The only problem is I can't walk,

- but you can carry me Dad, can't you? - Erm.

Of course your Dad can carry you.

Can they not cut a hole for your feet?

They can't cut my tail.

I wouldn't be able to swim, silly!

Yeah, silly!

Well, It's just that, you know,

I've got this wooden leg and... Well, it's a bit tricky!

Pick up your daughter!

- Honestly, with this leg I don't think... - Pick her up.

Yep, yep, no problem.

- Is it ringing? - Yeah.

And it's one of them international ring tones, so he's definitely here!

Who would have thought Gavin would turn out to be a rabbit boiler?

- A what? - You know,

that film with Glen Campbell.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Gavin,

it's Kenneth.

What do you mean Kenneth who?

What do you mean what do I want?

Oh! Don't you pull the innocent with me Gavin Ramsbottom.

We all know it's you that's been sending all these flowers and balloons.

Troy's gone to meet you.

What do you mean how does he know where you are?

You're in Benidorm.

You're in Venice?

Not Glen Campbell, Glenn Close.

Oh, shut up.

No, not you.

What are you doing in Venice?

So if it's not you sending all this stuff, who is it?

Hi Gavin, it's Troy again.

You're half an hour late now so...

Are you coming or shall we add this

to the increasingly long list of unacceptable behaviour

you've been displaying of late?

Please call me when you get this. Thank you! Bye.

- Hello! - Oh, hello again.

Twice in one day!

The Gods are smiling on us.

- Have you been shopping? - Well, I've tried my best

but you know what it's like out here.

It's as if they don't want your money.

It doesn't look like you've done too badly.

Trinkets, darling. Trinklets!

And a little supper, one has to eat.

Listen, while you're here, could I ask you a favour?

I need a big strong man.

Oh, no worries! I could probably find one for you, if you give me five minutes.

Oh, handsome and funny.

I bet you've liberated one or two ladies

from their dignity with that routine.

Listen, I'm sorry to be a pain,

but my front door is terribly rusty.

Sounds painful.

- Sorry? - Nothing.

I usually prefer a hotel

but I thought an apartment would be so much fun

when I booked this holiday.

How wrong I was.

I've asked them to come and look at it, but it's all manana, manana.

Would you be a darling and help me to get in?

Erm, the thing is...

I'm supposed to be meeting someone.

I hate to ask.

I fear my grouper's beginning to smell.

- I'm sorry. - Fish.

Oh well, we can't have that can we?

It would take a big strong boy like you literally two minutes.

Well, my friend is late already

and I have asked him to ring me. So... You're in this block?

Literally just here!

- Okay. - Oh! You're my hero.

How can I repay you?

Could I tempt you with my little fish?

I very much doubt that.

Umm, fourth floor, there's no lift I'm afraid.

No wonder your grouper's a bit wiffy.

My hero!

There we go.

Oh, Troy, you're an angel

sent from heaven.

Can I tempt you with a vino rosado?

Or as I call it, day wine.

- Thanks, Daisy, but I'd better be off. - My toilet!

- I beg your pardon? - My toilet.

Umm, could you take a look at it?

I don't think I'm getting a full flush!

No, I'm sorry I really do have to go.

But I'm terrified of losing my deposit!

I'll have a very quick look.

Ohh, Troy, you're a life saver.

It's just through there.

Darling Troy,

I'd heard you'd emigrated to Spain

but I would go to the ends of the Earth for you,

even Benidorm.

Now we can be together...

Forever!

Man, these outfits are hot.

I know, man!

Sometimes covering up is more sexy!

Keeps the ladies guessing, innit!

Hola!

Excuse me.

What do you think you are doing?

What do you think we're doing?

Are you thick or something?

- Joey for God's sake... - What?

He ain't a real policeman.

It's fancy dress day you muppet!

Look, that is the worst fake moustache I've ever seen.

Look at the state of him!

Oh, shit.

Don't you know it is illegal to drink

while dressed in the religious clothes?

Look, officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding,

we were told we could borrow these clothes

because my father is a friend of the priest.

Okay, what is the name of the priest?

Keith. His name is Keith!

Keith?

- Manuel. - Jose.

Graham.

What? That's quite a priesty name.

Okay, listen to me carefully.

It is the British Fiesta, in the spirit of international relations

I will not be arresting you.

- Thank you! Thank you so much Your Honour. - Shut up.

But to make amends you will have to clean the entire beach front.

You got to be joking!

Do I look like I am joking?

You can buy bags in this shop.

I will be back in three hours

to check every piece of litter has been cleared up.

Come on.

I'm not being funny but that really

does look like a dodgy moustache.

Joey!

Whoa! Waa hey hey!

It's the Pirates of the Caribbean!

What happened to you?

I've just dropped The Not So Little Mermaid

off at Dickie Donuts Kids Club.

- What mermaid? - Uh, forget it!

That's better!

Aye, they're great costumes them. Did you get me one?

What's this cheap rubbish?

It's all the money we had left.

I think they've blocked me card

because I forgot to tell the bank I was coming to Spain.

Pass us that phone, I'll ring them now.

I promised our Robert I wouldn't make any calls on it.

Shut up, give it here, I pay his bloody bill!

And the card game on it stopped working.

Can you restart it or something?

I was enjoying playing on that.

I used to run a very popular card game

in the snug at the Coach and Horses,

liquor in the front, poker round the back.

I beg your pardon.

Drinks in the front, card game round the back.

What's all this about? "Daily limit reached."

I know, I don't know why it says that.

Our Robert says all the games are free!

"Your daily limit of 500 pounds

"has been reached on your credit card ending in 4546."

That's why my card was declined in the joke shop.

You've spent all me money on bloody online poker!

No, I think it's all just a bit of a misunderstanding.

Yeah, cheers.

Have a cornetto for me.

Well if Gavin's in Venice,

who's Troy gone to meet in the old town?

Give him a ring and find out.

Who was sitting there earlier?

- Where? - That seat.

That was what's her name? Daisy.

I think something fell out of her bag.

O to the M to the F to the G.

Ohhh!

You're going to laugh. But every Monday,

when you came into the cash and carry,

I used to cover all the five litre bottles of perming solution in kisses,

knowing you'd take one of them.

Hilarious.

I used to sit at the bus stop opposite your salon

after work and look at you.

Desperately trying to pluck up the courage to go in.

And then one day I did.

I pretended I needed some change for a parking meter.

I went in...

And that strange little fat man served me.

My husband, at the time, Gavin.

Oh Troy, you are such a funny little goose!

Marry me.

I don't think you're listening to me.

Gavin was my husband, I am gay.

Guess what they used to call me at work?

Psychopathic bitch from hell?

Crazy Daisy!

Because I'm so impetuous!

That's Kenneth again.

If I don't answer it

they'll think there's something wrong.

Answer the phone. Tell them you're okay.

But, if you tell them where you are,

as much as I love you darling,

I will kill you.

- Kenneth? - It's Daisy, she's the stalker.

Yeah, I'm fine. Absolutely fine!

Oh my God, you're with her now, aren't you?

I'm sorry Kenneth I can't hear you.

I'm quite high up and very close to the church bells.

Give us your address and we'll be there in 10 minutes.

Troy?

Hello?

I don't like being disturbed.

I don't think you've got much choice.

Don't go anywhere. You're going to love this!

Two minutes.

Oh, Joey, man.

You're getting ash on my clothes.

Ah, sorry Ty.

They say smoking is a dirty habit.

- Why was that funny? - No idea mate.

Hey look! There's that copper.

Shall we go and show him how much we've collected?

Yeah, come on.

No, I'm in Benidorm for Webbo's stag do.

Yeah, yeah... It's this mad day.

Everyone in the whole place dresses up.

I'm a policeman.

Yeah mate, I've been proper winding people up and that.

It's been hilarious! You should've come.

Honest.

I can't believe it!

We've been doing this for ages.

Why is he speaking in an English accent?

Coz he's English!

So why was he speaking in a Spanish accent before?

He's tricked us, Joe!

We've been picking up this rubbish for nothing.

He's tricked us!

- I'm gonna have a word. - No wait!

Joey, man! We can't let him get away with that!

I know but, wait a sec.

Let's do this properly.

This'll teach 'em.

Oh, my god!

Joey, no!

I hope they're not real policeman!

How come they're allowed to arrest us?

Shut up, Joey! Seriously.

Oh, my goodness!

Isn't it divine?

What's wrong, darling?

- Don't you like it? - Uh, uh...

You've been on the balcony.

Just for a bit of fresh air.

I am warning you, Troy,

if you do anything silly

that means we can't get married today,

you know what I'll do!

How are we supposed to get married?

Why do you think I got an apartment next to the church?

Silly sausage!

But we're not locals!

The priest might not agree to marry us.

Oh, I think he will.

Listen, Daisy...

- I can't get married in a church. - Why not?

Well, I'm... A Muslim!

- Really? - Yeah.

I always knew you were...

A bit ethnic, but I thought that was just your style!

No, no. Fully paid-up member, me.

But listen! I've got an idea.

Why don't we go back to The Solana?

Uhh, why would we do that?

Well,

they have...

A wedding licence!

- Do they? - Yes.

We could get married today.

That would make me the happiest woman alive!

Do you really mean it?

I do.

Oh!

Oh wait!

Now we could hear the church bells, so we must be near.

Oh, and he said he was up high.

- So... - Ooh, this is like that film, in't it?

With Leslie Nielsen.

What Airplane?

No, the one where his daughter gets kidnapped,

and he rings them up,

"I don't know who you are

"and I don't know what I want."

No that's not right!

"I don't know who you are

"and I don't know where I am!"

No, hang on! That's not right either.

"I don't know who you are,

"and I don't know who I am!"

- No, that definitely can't be right! - Oh, will you shut up?

A white flag!

Come on!

Hola!

I am warning you Troy,

if you do anything stupid

I will kill us both.

Actually,

that would be terribly romantic, together forever!

Let's go for the wedding.

It would be a shame to ruin that lovely dress.

I knew you liked the dress!

Outside then to the right.

Oh Troy! You were telling the truth.

Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you.

My darling!

You see?

Father Mateo!

I didn't realise you were working today, how fortunate.

- What? - Daisy and I would like to get married.

You are both getting married?

I thought you were a muffuletta?

I'm guessing Ragtimes Chapel is free now?

Go away, you are drunk.

We'd like to get married please.

Madre Mia!

Now.

Come on darling!

I'm going as soon as I've played this.

You have to stay!

She's a crazy dangerous woman.

Oh great, that's really given me the incentive to hang around.

Chuck!

Are you absolutely positive it looked like a real gun?

I mean this is fancy dress day after all.

Do you really want to chance it?

She looked pretty psychotic to me.

- Well, I'm going up there, this is ridiculous. - No!

I'm telling you, it looked like a real gun!

I've called the police.

What's going on?

Where have you been? Your mates up there

getting married to some mad woman!

Crazy Daisy!

Look, we need to get in there now.

She's deranged!

She's come all the way from Castle Donnington.

The police! They're here!

- Hey! Hey! - Hey!

Hang on a minute, I've got an idea!

We are here today to make a marriage of Troy and...

- Daisy. - Troy and Daisy.

Marriage is a special thing.

It is not to be taken, how do you say, with no responsibles.

You have to be committed.

I think she should be.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, oh, nothing. Carry on!

- Bride or groom? - Groom.

- Groom. - Bride.

Umm, groom.

Don't mind me, I'm on work experience.

You were in the salon earlier!

Oh, bless you my child.

That is my brother Kenneth, the hairdresser.

I am Kevin, a man of the cloth.

Okay, do you Daisy,

take this man to be your awful wedded husband?

Lawful!

- What? - No.

It's lawful, not awful!

Ohh! I so do!

And do you, Troy, take Daisy to be your awful,

I am sorry, lawful wedded wife?

Do you have the rings?

Oh, the rings!

Oh, my goodness, we don't have rings!

- Eh, don't worry, I think I can help! - Really?

Yeah, if you just put your hand out for me.

Let's have a look at you.

It's in here somewhere!

Troy!

Troy!

I love you, Troy!

But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!

I must say you're taking all this very well.

To be honest I was just relieved it wasn't Gavin,

he can be quite peevish when he wants to be.

Who was he in Venice with?

Oh, are we jealous?

No, just asking out of interest.

Said he was on his own.

On his own?

Who goes to the most romantic city on Earth on their own?

I know, what a waste!

I was thinking of giving Daisy his address there.

- She's obviously not fussy. - Hey! Cheeky sod!

Do you mind if we don't tell anyone about this?

- What? - About dressing like nuns?

- No! About getting arrested and that. - Oh, right! Yeah, no worries.

I thought they were gonna make us spend the night in there, man.

I'm gonna go and find my family.

Good night! God bless!

Good night, God bless!

Good night, God bless!

Where have you been hiding all day?

Fancy a table for two?

Excuse me, I'm sitting with my friends.

- You all right? - No, I'm not,

I'm absolutely jiggered.

I told him everything from beginning to end.

Every little last detail.

A real blow by blow account.

Oh, I don't remember that bit.

Not that he seemed interested.

In fact I'm sure he fell asleep before the end of it.

Just sat there!

Stank of booze as well.

Jacqueline, you know this policeman you spoke to?

- Yeah? - Was he in Ragtimes?

No, he was just sitting at the bar in reception

with a friend who was dressed as a chicken.

What?

500 pound!

Where are we supposed to get 500 pound from?

Ah, don't shout at me, Sheron, please.

I'll pay you back when I can.

It was an honest mistake.

I don't know what else to say.

And you're as much to blame for leaving him with the phone.

I left him playing chess!

Why have you got a gambling game on your phone anyway?

Mother, I literally play like 10 pence a hand.

Yeah well your bloody grandad didn't, did he?

500 pound!

Oh, we're not still going on about that are we?

- He's said he'll pay it back... - When I can.

When he can.

I'm not sitting here if you're gonna have a go at me all night.

Good! Go and sit with your fancy woman!

She's not my fancy woman.

And you got me the right bloody costume.

Looks like I'll be living like a monk from now on.

Thanks to your condition of "No women after 10:00"

when I come to live with you.

I never said that!

You can do what you like in your own caravan.

In my own what?

- Anybody want to do karaoke? - Caravan.

We're bringing it down from Brid and you're going on the front drive.

Jodie? Karaoke?

I'm tired, can you carry me to bed?

Me? Living on the street, like a bloody tinker!

I didn't say on the street, I said the front drive!

Not a chance!

Oh, well then, you'll have to make your own arrangements.

Aye, I will, because I know when I'm not wanted.

You can stick your caravan up your arse, Sheron.

You've finally got what you wanted.

I won't be coming to live with you.

I'd rather sleep in the gutter.

And don't come looking for me tomorrow

because I'm getting the first flight home.

Thank you and good night!

Well, that's that sorted then.

What a day!

Right, Amber, one more brandy each,

purely medicinal, then everybody back to work.

Mateo, did you give your statement to the police?

Yes, we have all spoken to the police.

The crazy woman is in the hospital and everything is back to normal.

Normal?

Look at this place!

When have we ever been normal?

Right.

On we go!

Hey Les, you're not dressed as Lesley tonight.

No pet, I think there's been enough

dressing up for one day. Don't you?

Listen, when I did the face painting

for the kids today, we were given some tips.

And we were gonna give you the 20 euros.

No, no, I don't want your money.

But we knew you wouldn't take it,

so we bought you an open-return coach ticket to Madrid.

So you can go and see Liam.

An open return costs more than 20 euros.

I know, Mateo put the rest in with the money he came into yesterday.

I don't know what to say!

Bless you my child.

Ripped By mstoll